Tornadoes

I live in what's called, "tornado alley" because we have so many of them.  But it looks like the southeast part of the U.S is what's getting the historic tornadoes.  It reminds me of the April of 1976 when my mother and grandmother died in a tornado.  It was another of those big ones that was a mile wide and stayed on the ground for miles.  However, it came down in the country so there were only three deaths.  People ask me if I'm scared of storms and oddly, I'm not.  There was absolutely nothing my mother and grandmother could have done to escape.  The third death was a woman who was in her basement and was pulled up along with her whole house.  So, if it's your time, it's your time.  Being killed in a tornado is an interesting way to go and it saves a long illness, and it's nobody's fault.  I'm not saying I'd like to go that way but it's on my list of not-too-bad-ways.

My Life as My Art

A bunch of us are studying Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "Voice of Knowledge."  We've been studying his books for over a year.  People come and go, but our core group keeps hanging in there.  We are learning how to apply the Toltec ideas to our lives.  This particular book focuses on the idea that we are all artists because we are creating the story of our lives.  From the Toltec tradition, the idea is that everything is perception - that none of us can actually see the truth because we have been taught from the time we learned language what the truth is from others and their perceptions.  Even if we unlearn what we've been taught, all we have is our own perception which is very limited.  Therefore, he says, we are the creators/artists of our perception of our lives.  Better make it beautiful and full of delight!

If I started out my day with the idea that for this day, I'm going to create a beautiful story and show off my talents as an artist, my way of being would be a lot different!!

Shoes

I'm finally adjusted to the new height of my right shoe so that my whole body doesn't complain all the time.  I'm still not standing straight although I am straighter.  My vanity is affected because it's very, very obvious that the shoe is built up, and before it really wasn't noticeable.  But I am way too old to care very much about that.  My back is only bothering me a tiny bit, which is a miracle - probably due to the physical therapy and the change in my shoe.  Yay for that.  I am a lot less behind on things.  You wouldn't think that a person with nothing to do would have so much to do!  But I am as busy as I can stand to be.

Limitless

Finally got around to seeing Limitless.  I think it's one of those predictor movies - we could use a pill to speed up our brains. Probably someone is working on  it right now.  Of course it would have to be a big secret because if we all had it no one would have an advantage.

In my usual way I watched the action with enjoyment while simultaneously critiquing the plot.  Now I'm going to have to see it again because I've got all these questions:  It seemed clear to me that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic from the beginning before he ever took one of the pills.  But he didn't protect his supply very well - the first thing any good addict would do is try to figure out where to get some more and preferably make some more.  Hiding the last of his supply in a shell in his girlfriend's apartment and then in his jacket (then giving his jacket to someone to hold), seemed pretty dumb for a junkie with a four-digit IQ.  Before he started making money and trying to be somebody, he should have made sure he had a lifetime supply of the drug. 

He was, however, very junkie-like in his immediate decision to overdose himself and make himself sick with no regard for the consequences.  He was also true to his junkie-hood by immediately going for the good times and taking crazy risks.

A person with a four-digit IQ would not be likely to go into politics.  If his objective was to have power, the folks behind the scenes have more power than the politicians.  If he was so smart he would have known that.   Plus would a really, really smart person not know that there would be a whole lot of other people trying to get some of this stuff and that they might not be the good guys?   I was surprised he didn't think of that before he completely ran out of pills since he found his ex-brother-in-law deader than a doornail.  And how did he find his ex-brother-in-law's stash in the oven when the bad guy searchers didn't? He wasn't on the pill at the time.  Why weren't the searcher's on the pill?

In the end he finally figures out how to use the drug so that the effects last.  But the screen writers took the easy way out and didn't try to explain that.  Shame on them for ducking what could have been fascinating.

I can't help it - I've absorbed so much sci-fi I just automatically critique.  Luckily it doesn't ruin my enjoyment.  So I'll watch it again so I can see if I missed something.

Trust

"I grew up trusting no one, but I know if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten.  I want to change."  Hope for Today.

Since I knew as a kid that I was supposed to look perfect even if I wasn't perfect, I didn't learn from my mistakes.  How could I?  I tried very hard to not make any mistakes, of course.  But when I did, I denied and lied so no one could help me do better in the future.  I was used to being judged and criticized when I made mistakes so I just wanted to keep that from happening.   I carried that way of being into my adulthood.  I've never met anybody that tried as hard as I did to make no mistakes.  I was wound up tight trying to do everything right all the time.  By the time I was thirty I needed a lot of sleep.  I was exhausted.

After all that I decided trying to be perfect didn't benefit me at all and just gave up.  That didn't work either. I made a lot more mistakes and blew off any negative feedback I got.  When I got into recovery and found out how much like everyone else I was because they told their secrets and laughed at their mistakes, I began to learn new ways of dealing with life.  I got off my own case and stopped expecting myself not to make mistakes.  I learned from my mistakes instead of denying and hiding.  I'm still not perfect, but that's okay now. Sometimes I can't believe how much I've learned!

I chose trustworthy people to tell about myself.  There were a couple of professional counselors that I trusted.  And most of all, people in recovery because they weren't going to give me a hard time - they'd made the same mistakes themselves.  Since they had learned from their mistakes, they could show me how to learn from mine.  Judgmental, critical people aren't the ones I choose to talk to about my deepest self.  They usually make themselves feel better about themselves by criticizing me.  I'm not evolved enough to be able to handle a lot of criticism although I'm better than I used to be.

We're Only as Sick as our Secrets

"The times I most want to hide out with my secrets are probably the times I most need to reach out and share (with someone trustworthy)."  Courage to Change.

I grew up in a family where image was everything.  The very first priority was to look good.  It was a small town and my parents were school teachers so they felt their jobs depended on looking perfect to the whole town.  I knew I wasn't perfect and felt ashamed.  So I learned to never ever say anything about my imperfections to anybody.  By the time I was an adult I was carrying a heavy load of secrets.  If I made mistakes, the proper response was to lie.  It was so deeply ingrained that I didn't even have to think about it.

In the recovery program I heard the saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets."  I couldn't even imagine what that meant.  Then there was the saying, "(the program) requires rigorous honesty."  I was clearly in trouble since I had no idea how to be honest and no understanding of why I should be.  But little by little, because I was so desperate to feel better, I began to tell the truth about myself and my life to trustworthy people and experienced the relief and freedom that brought me.  I felt like I was floating about a foot off the ground. Now the telling of the truth - especially admitting my mistakes - is so ingrained that it is automatic.  If you ask me a question, I will tell the truth before I even think about lying.

Recently I've realized that there are tons of people in the world who would consider my openness about my thoughts, feelings and mistakes totally wrong and crazy.  They probably think I'm completely wrong to do it - that nice people don't air their dirty laundry - and they seem to consider the most minor stuff something to keep secret.  I forget that this way of being is extremely common in the world and with a lot of people consider it a virtue.  I am sad for them because they won't be able to experience being themselves.  When I was hiding and lying trying to look good, I lived with shame and lost the sense of who I even was.  I wish I could give the gift of truth to everyone, but that probably is not going to happen.

One of the other things I've learned in my recovery program is that when I'm noticing other people's imperfections, I probably need to look myself to see if I am practicing those imperfections myself.  So, it must be time to see where I am hiding secrets myself.  At this moment I don't actually see it, but I'm sure I will now that I'm aware.

RIP good friends...

Today one of the other parents that were involved the the lawsuit that closed Hissom Memorial Center in Sand Springs heard that the process of tearing the old place down had started.  So we drove out there and were lucky enough to get to go in through the fence.  The project director saw us taking pictures through the fence and after we explained who we were, let us in.  His boss saw us and was a whole lot less happy with our being in there but we talked him out of his upset.  We walked around and took some pictures which I will post later.  I brought a sage smudge and said some prayers.

I guess the internet is full of people saying it's haunted.  They've sneaked in and say they saw blood everywhere, etc.  I don't believe in ghosts but a lot of terribly cruel and sad things happened there so I will be glad when the buildings are gone. 

We said goodbye to Donald, who was the son of one of our friends.  The terrible treatment he received there first alerted us to the how bad the conditions were.  He died from aspiration pneumonia due to lack of care.  We said goodbye to Ann who was the first and only ombudsman there.  She did her best to make change and testified for us in court.  She died soon after - I believe from the heartbreak and stress she experienced although it was technically cancer.  We said goodbye to Tim who was the first attorney who helped us.  He had been with the Department of Justice but resigned when President Reagan stopped the Justice Department from helping close institutions.  Tim died of complications from his own disability before we won the lawsuit. 

There are many who died before they could experience the new living arrangements in the community.  We said goodbye to all of them.  Hissom is a metaphor for me for all the cruelty of the world.  I am grateful to have had a part in ending that particular nightmare.

25 years

This weekend is the 25th anniversary of Ron's and my wedding.  Some years I'm sad and some years I'm not.  This year I'm coping with sadness.  I really miss him.  We were married in Eureka Springs and every year we went back to celebrate.  It was a big deal to us since both of us had been married twice before, we were very grateful that we were still delighted to be married and wanted to celebrate.  It's hard to celebrate without him but I am still grateful.

Now I'm Scared

Awhile back I posted some sarcastic stuff about balancing the budget on the backs of children, old people, disabled people and said that maybe we should go back to allowing people to starve to death, making old people live in poor houses, and having children work like my grandparents did (both of them went to work in factories at the age of 8).  Now I hear that Maine is considering amending it's child labor laws to allow businesses to pay anyone under the age of 20 $2.00 less than minimum wage.  Hmmm.  The law would also allow them to work more hours than they're currently allowed to work.  A cheap labor pool.  Great.  Progress.  Businesses will make more money.  This benefits us how?

Shoes

My right shoe is now built up 11/4 inch which is double what it was.  I've had them for a week and am still stumbling around trying to stand up straight.  The physical therapy folks tell me I will be able to do it in time.   It's amazing how crooked my hips and back are.  No wonder my back has been hurting. 

I've also been taking B12 shots and have about twice the energy I did have.  Yay!

Worry

One of my readings this week said that when I turned my life and will over to the care of God in the third step, I gave up worry.  Hmmm.  Well, I didn't give up worry.  I kept on with some of my worries - I feared that Ron's health would continue to deteriorate and that he would die and leave me.  I didn't think I could handle that.  Of course, that did happen and I did handle it.  The problem is that I spent around 20 years worrying every day that he was going to die.  When I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I always checked to see if he was alive before I got back into bed.  It's pretty obvious from this point of view that if I had let go and let God, I could have enjoyed having him in my life more than I did when I worried all the time. 

Either God is in charge or He isn't.  If he's in charge (which I'm pretty sure is true), then whatever happens, it's God's will.  I don't always like what happens.  In fact, I frequently don't.  But if God is a loving God and a force for good in the universe, then everything that happens is for the good - or at least God is powerful enough to use it for good.  Tall order.  But I'm working on trusting that this is the truth.

Misunderstandings

I'll bet I could write a 1,000 page book of just incidents where I said something and the other person heard something else and another one of times I heard something completely different than what was said to me.  One such incident was sad - I was talking to one of the people I supervised who was complaining about how disorganized our department was.  I was trying to get her to say what she thought would fix it, because I really thought she might have some good ideas.  I was sick of the chaos myself but was stumped about how to fix it.  It was Friday at the end of the day and I was tired and so was she.  Finally I suggested we talk about it on Monday because I could see she wasn't getting what I was asking. 

Well, on Monday morning she came in with a huge long letter which she read to me.  Apparently, she had been thinking about our conversation all weekend and thought I had called her stupid.  Good grief!  I don't know if she ever believed me, but I apologized for being unclear in my communication - that I certainly didn't think she was stupid.  It was just clear to me I wasn't asking the right questions so that she could see what I wanted from her.  It turns out she just thought we should use Microsoft Outlook to schedule meetings - which in my mind was fairly irrelevant for taming the chaos.  We had a Helpline with crisis calls all day and a boss who thought up new things for us to do every week.  I thought she might have a way to deal with that.  But no.  Unfortunately. 

I could think of literally hundreds of more examples.  And the sad part is that the person with the misunderstanding is usually completely positive that their interpretation is accurate.  Sometimes I wonder how the world of people runs at all considering how bad we are at communicating with each other.

The Sun

Right after the wreck in 2005, an aquaintance came by with some dried flowers she put in one of my vases and placed it on top of the tall bookcase across the room from my bed so I could see them from the bed.  She also brought a stack of magazines that I read off and on throughout my recovery.  Bless her!  The magazines were called, The Sun.  They have no ads and the stories and poems seem to be mostly written by people you never heard of and/or they're written by readers.  I don't even love the Oprah magazine as much as I love The Sun. 

It must just be my kind of magazine because I just love every single story and poem and photo in it.  This month the lead story was an interview with a guy who graduated from West Point and served in the Armed Services.  He has made a study - beginning with some ideas he got from classes at West Point - of peace and what it would take to have world peace.  Ahhh!  A grandiose thinker like me!  He has made it his life work to teach what he's learned to anyone who will listen and his audiences are growing.  He says that the United States is seen as a conqueror - as a country that only gets involved when we want something - which just perpetuates resistance.  He asks that we consider what would happen if we truly came to help and left when we were finished.  He suggests we work against terrorism like we have done with organized crime - catch people, try them and put them in jail for a long time.  Cut off their money supplies, etc. 

Another story was written by a guy who had just had his beloved dog put to sleep.  He told about the process he went through in dealing with the last illness and how he finally made the decision to let his dog go.  It was a touching story, of course, but more than that it was a study of love and gratitude.  He said he knew that people were probably thinking, "It's just a dog, for God's sake!"  His philosophy was that this animal had accompanied him through a divorce, depression, spiritual deserts and a life-threatening illness so he felt accountable for returning love and care to the being that provided it for him.  I know there are a lot of people who don't think animals should be valued as much as human beings, but I'm guessing they've just never experienced the unconditional love of an animal companion.

Falling in Love with What Is

Some friends gave me a couple of audio books by Byron Katie, and I listened to part of one on the way home from visiting my friends in Joplin.  She basically says that if you want to be happy, the only way to do it is to fall in love with reality.  She suggests you assume that whatever is happening is what is supposed to happen and it's all for your enjoyment.  That includes all those things we currently bitch about and act like they're not supposed to be happening.  Radical, huh?

But you know, this is not the first time I've heard this concept.  My program tells me that acceptance is the answer to every problem.  Of course, falling in love with reality is quite a few steps beyond acceptance because it's quite possible to accept something without liking it.  The other part of it is that if I'm bitching because I think something isn't supposed to be happening, I'm really playing God, if you think about it.

This little concept is so hard to implement that there only a few human beings that have ever lived that acheived it even part of the time.  So I'm not thinking I'm going to be one of them.  However, there's a good chance that if I work at thinking that everything is a gift - even stuff I hate - I will certainly increase my level of happiness from day to day.

Shoes

Took two pairs of shoes to the shoe repair to have the soles on the right shoe built up another 3/4 of an inch per the xray Dr. Dreamy took to measure exactly how much more my shoe needs to be built up.  I am told by people who should know that this will fix my back problem.  That would be very cool.  I'm on my third week of physical therapy and am already about 75% pain free.  Now if I can just figure out how to keep it that way.  Theoretically the shoe build up will do it.  My fingers are crossed.

We add just as much pain to the world when we take offense as when we give offense.

I'm a self-help book junkie.  I have been for most of my life.  I realized early that I lacked a lot of information about how to live life and so have been looking for it for years.  I've noticed that there are an awful lot of nonsensical books out there that somebody wrote in order to promote his/her opinions.  The thing is, unless things have been tried and found effective, they're useless.  But there are a lot of facts that have been tried and found useful that seem to be totally ignored.  I was reading another one of those books this morning and found an idea I've seen a bunch of times before and tried again and again and it works.  However, on any given day I can see literally dozens of examples of people doing the exact opposite.

Here it is:  Criticism makes people fight back and resist change.  Worse yet, what usually happens is that the person being criticized either keeps doing what he/she is being criticized for or does it more.  Change only happens when people are supported, and it only occurs slowly like a plant growing.  It can't be forced by being criticized by another person.  

The book I was reading was, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating,by Geneen Roth.  Of course, the example she gave was of husbands criticizing wives for being overweight.  That absolutely never works.  In fact, the wives usually gain more and more weight.  The criticism gives them a lot of emotional pain which leads to more eating, etc. As an observer of relationships, I've noticed that spouses criticize each other a lot, which doesn't lead to change, which in turn fosters emotional pain on both their parts.  However, they never seem to notice that it's not working and continue to criticize for years and years and years.  Considering all the pain in the world, it looks to me like we humans should make it a priority to stop hurting each other unnecessarily.  There's nothing wrong with just asking for what we want from the other person without criticizing.

Fear No Evil

"Though we of A.A. find ourselves living in a world characterized by destructive fears as never before in history, we see great areas of faith, and tremendous aspirations toward justice and brotherhood.  Yet no prophet can presume to say whether the world outcome will be blazing destruction or the beginning, under God's intention, of the brightest era yet known to mankind...we have been enabled to deeply feel and say, 'we shall fear no evil--'"  As Bill Sees It.

At the Friday noon meeting this was the page I got to read.  It was written in 1962 and, of course, definitely applies today.  The news is so painful to watch that I just check in for a few minutes every day and then pray for the suffering people in Japan, Libya, Afghanistan, and Iraq and everywhere else - New Orleans, Haiti, etc.  I thought when I was in my 20s that by the time I reached the age I am now that solutions would have been found for some of the tragedies of the world.  Some things are better - not so many people die of starvation in our country as there used to be.  Plenty of people still go hungry, though, which would be just as easy to solve as starvation was, but we lack the willingness to take the action.  I no longer think that sending my $20 does much toward solving the overall problem.  I do think that my exploration of solutions in the big picture, and my commitment to doing what I can toward those solutions every day has some impact even if a tiny one.  Only my recovery has given me the release from fear that positive action requires.

Struggle and Answers

Recently I've had occasion to struggle with questions about how to handle situations with other people that puzzled me.  After talking to a couple of people and prayerful thought, the principles of the program kicked in again.  I wish I could think of this tool before I have to wrestle with questions, but it just doesn't work that way. 

What I remembered was something that my first sponsor began teaching me in the first year of my recovery.  It took me quite awhile to get it, but when I use it and it works, I get all excited and thrilled because it will work 99% of the time and it doesn't require anyone but me to make changes.  The thing is I keep forgetting to use the tool and have to be reminded. 

There's the spiritual axiom - "Whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me."  Now, that doesn't mean that everything is always my fault like I thought in the beginning.  It just means that I am one of the people involved in the problem so I had a part in it.  All I need to do is figure out my part and do something different - probably something more loving and kind - and poof! the problem goes away. 

I used this tool almost every day with my boss in my last job.  I looked for my part in every difficulty I had with her and made quick changes.  I improved my ability to communicate with her and made sure I did my best every day on the job.  I did my best to treat her with respect.  You know what?  Improving my communication, doing my best and treating people with respect does wonders for my relationships with anybody.  I learned more about money and how to handle it than I ever thought I could learn because my husband had big problems with it.  Instead of looking at his mistakes, I decided to challenge myself to be better with money and it paid off big time!!

So - right now I'm working on improving my communication, doing my best and treating others with respect.  I'm betting that this tool will work again.

Mistakes

I used to believe that one of the purposes in life was to get to a place where I made no mistakes.  In my reading this morning is a prayer, "Help me, Higher Power.   Help me remember that the purpose of making mistakes is to prepare myself to make more; help me remember that when I'm no longer making mistakes I'll be out of this world."  I am so lucky to have found recovery where I do what I can to avoid mistakes since I don't like their consequences but at the same time knowing that I am going to make some.  This reminds me that one of the definitions of a sociopath is that he/she doesn't learn from his/her mistakes.  I can always learn from my mistakes which in turn makes it possible for me to continue to grow and get better at life as I go along.  It was impossible for me to do that when I looked for somebody else to blame.

I remember this especially when I'm in the midst of one of my self-improvement projects.  Right now I'm working on getting up early and taking no naps.  The purpose is to get more productive time every day.  On the one hand, I am doing a whole lot better.  On the other hand, I'm very far away from my goal.  The old part of me is trying to surface and tell me I'm a failure for all the days I pooped out and took a nap and then didn't go to sleep until 11:00 p.m. which in turn made it impossible to get up early.  However, I'm simply not listening - I've been up every single day before 9:00 a.m. and have had way more productive hours every day.  I'm not giving up on the goal and I'm happy about progress,  Plus as long as I don't give up, I can't possibly fail.  All the mistakes I've made have just allowed me to learn how I need to do things so that I can reach my goal.

I was born with this beauty inside me...

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness...until it flowers again from within..."  Galway. Kinnell.  Courage to Change.

My readings remind me that all my work on being more organized, etc. really doesn't make me the beautiful human being I was created to be.  Not that self-improvement is a bad thing; just that it's not a good idea to think that I'm only going to be okay when I reach goals.  I get confused easily on that.  Today I begin physical therapy again and I'm looking forward to finding some solutions to the chronic lower back pain I have.  They cured me once so I'm sure it will happen again.  I hope to find out what I need to do to prevent it.  Simultaneously, I'm fighting back against my periodic crashes into being a slug.  They tell me (the experts) that any stress, no matter how insignificant, can cause this.  I've had a lot of advice about going easy on myself in those times, however, I'm really sick of being at the mercy of unexpected crashes.  So, I'm trying to schedule them as well as finding other ways to take care of myself.  In the midst of my self-improvement efforts, I am remembering that I am already okay.

Pics

Jean, Tammy and me at the Out of Africa event.  Big success.

The "Out of Africa" event.  Good crowd, great program.

Girls Night Out at the Casino.  Slot machines everywhere.  We went to see the Japanese drummers so didn't gamble.

Look closely to see the lady with the square dancer outfit with boots and a whole lot of hair.  Entertaining but the pic is not so hot.

Girls night out - Katie, Diana, Mary and Danna.

Diana and Dana laughing at a funny lady.

Girls night out.  The band was too loud.  This is Diana and Mary trying to talk to each other.

Bogged Down

I've had another one of those weeks where I've been bogged down with too much to do and no desire to do any of it.  I managed to get tiny bits done and am just about on the other side of it.  YAY!  But I am going to have to do something to boost myself out of the doldrums - which I have taken the first steps to do - asking people for help.  What a concept.  Works really well.  I always forget that it does.  Plus I really, really, really hate admitting that I need help.  (Ego).  So, I've asked.  And no one said no.  What a blessing.

Theresa

It was probably about 1995 when I was recruiting and training volunteers to visit people with cognitive disabilities to make sure they had what they needed, that I recruited a volunteer named Theresa.  The project I was working on mandated that the volunteers would be family members of people with disabilities and people with disabilities so Theresa was perfect for the job.  She had a type of cerebral palsy that caused her to have uncontrollable movements of her arms and legs.  She was in a wheelchair but her body was in constant wild movement which made all activities even speech difficult.  However, she was quite a poet and shared some of her poetry with me.  She used a manual typewriter to write her poems and did them all in caps so that she didn't have to mess with shifting.  I changed that part to make it easier to read.  Yesterday I was cleaning out a closet and found one of her poems:

AS IT WAS

The world is not the same
Anymore as I am getting older
I am finding out.
Life isn't pretty anymore either
Way life is hard for me now.
I wish I was little again with a hard cry and soft tears.
A lot of people said that I
Never cried when I was little.
I guess I had a small world in my mind.
No, I am not mad because I am disabled,
The Lord made me as He saw fit.
Yes, I believe in God because Life is God!!!
This is how I look at it.
Now I am not God crazy I am just telling
The facts.  Here.
My life is normal like yours.
A lot people have to understand people
To get along with someone different
Than someone who is a little different.
But who's to say I'm weird because
I am in a wheelchair.
Are you weird because you're normal?
I just want to be me.

What Would Jesus Do?

Although I'm not very religious, I liked those little bracelets that were popular a few years ago.  I thought they would be a good reminder to try to answer that question when confronted with a dilemma.  Yesterday or day before a friend of mine posted a list of things Jesus would NOT do on Facebook.  I thought it was pretty good so I adapted it a little and will post it here.  Of course, I am aware that there are probably people that think Jesus would do these things or some version of them, but I am not in agreement:

STUFF JESUS WOULD PROBABLY NOT DO:
Harass single moms
Beat up homosexuals
Picket funerals
Shoot doctors
Shoot anyone
Join a militia
Own a weapon
Run for president
Attack the poor
Burn a cross
Put his name on merchandise.

Hmmm

So far, so good.  It looks like the politicians have begun to single out the groups that will need to get less money so that the government can quit spending so much money:  old people (Medicare, Social Security), poor people (Medicaid), teachers and other government employees (poor people?).  As the child of two teachers, I'm fairly sure the teachers are not overpaid.  I guess the government workers (teachers, cops, firefighters, military, etc.) are just not important enough to pay them a decent amount.  God knows those poor people and old people just need to get up off their asses and get a job and quit expecting the government to take care of them.  I'm just kind of wondering if the other government workers (subsidized corporate farms, etc.) as well as state legislators and congress would be willing to take a pay cut.  Maybe it would only be symbolic, but I'd love to see them do something like that.  Maybe until the economy improves they could take a 10% pay cut and pay for 1/2 their retirement and health benefits.  That would make me feel sooo much better.

Motivation Pill?

One of my grandsons' girlfriends posted a question on Facebook - "Is there a motivation pill?  I'd like to abuse that!"  She's so smart.  She probably has asked a very important question in a very funny way.  I know exactly how she feels.  There are those who would tell you that there is a motivation pill - it's called "speed."  The problem is that you will definitely abuse it and you may be motivated but not necessarily in a good way.  I am particularly unmotivated right now.  Not sure why.  Retiring to a cave for a long, long time sounds soothing and good.  It's not that I have a bunch of stuff to do that I don't want to do.  I just want to stop for awhile.

Regeneration of Spirit

Went to the 5:30 women's meeting which was on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings - they seemed  so trite.  But now I love them.  I thought of all I have learned and practiced over the years and how my spirit has regenerated.  That phrase was in one of my readings this morning.  One of the things I'm most grateful for is that I've lost a lot of my fear of being judged.  In the program I am just who I am with all my good and bad qualities and I hide almost nothing from the people of the program.  I am accepted and loved just the way I am.  When I walk in the door I drop all my pretenses.  I still have some fears of judgment - especially my own and other close relationships, but I am willing to be honest in spite of my fear.  Being who I am has given me the gift of being a "free spirit" which is what I've always wanted in my life.  It's who I thought I was in my drinking days - although I was actually a captive of my own self-judgement and the chemicals I was ingesting.  Now my spirit is truly free!  I am grateful.

Melting

The snow is melting.  It's been warm the last couple of days.  The trash man came.  But I still can't get to my outside garbage cans because I would have to shovel the snow away from the gate.  There's still a lot of snow in the street but I should be able to get out today anyway.  Since it's Valentines Day and I didn't get to go to my beautiful granddaughter's birthday party, I will be going out to mail all the cards I meant to take with me.  I hate being in the dog house for not doing what I can't do, but ...sometimes that that's just the way it is.  I have an invitation from a friend to treat me to a Valentine's Dinner out - a female friend.  But that is terrific to have a date where I don't have to do anything except be myself!  I think Valentines Day should be about melted hearts - compassion for all those people who aren't doing it right and for myself for being so imperfect.  In fact, let's start trend - Valentine's Day is melted hearts day!!!

Pics

Here's Kristin with her fairy wings she got at the Women's Symposium plus the bracelet that came with her Valentine she got from me.

Sculpture in front of the Performing Arts Center.

My friend Alicia with the four wheel drive in front of the Performing Arts Center.  We made it to the ballet so I made her pose in front of one of the lovely snow piles we have all over Tulsa.

Compare and Despair

"Compare and despair" is a quote from one of the women who used to meet with the women's group that studied the steps at my house.  I've never heard it from anyone else, but she may have heard it somewhere or maybe she made it up.  But that little phrase has been a terrific defense against the judge in everyone's head that gives us a hard time when we see someone we think is better than we are.  There's another saying in the recovery community:  "Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides."  That's another really good defense.

One of the readings in one of my meditation books yesterday reminded me of those sayings and I realized how grateful I should feel that I actually don't compare myself with other people anymore.  I used to think there were people who did everything right most of the time and as a result lived charmed lives.  Then one time I had the flu and was home from work for several days.  I watched a whole lot of biographies on tv, and learned that even those people I assumed would have led charmed lives had many of the same painful experiences in their lives that I did in mine.  Beverly Sills had a daughter who was deaf and would never be able to hear her sing.  Paul Newman had had a child die.  And on and on.  Furthermore, they did not do everything right most of the time.  They had made a lot of the same mistakes I had.

The main thing I learned from the women's meetings at my house (for over 10 years), was that although all of us were very different - in background, age, life circumstances, etc., we were very much the same on the inside.  We had the same fears, had made similar horrendous mistakes in our lives, had had terribly difficult events to deal with, and on and on.  Learning that really helped make me less judgmental of myself.

So today my endless struggles to be more organized, to exercise and eat right every day, to get all my chores done when they need to be done - well, at least I don't kick myself when I don't do everything right most of the time.  Little by little, I get better and am grateful for progress.

Luxury

Since all my responsibilities and appointments have been wiped off my calendar by a snow storm, I have the luxury of spending a little more time with meditation.  This morning I read"No longer half-asleep to the wonders around me, I become aware that each moment fairly vibrates with the possibility of healing..." from Hope for Today.  I have the luxury to notice that the birds have completely wiped out the bird seed I put out for them yesterday.  I've had more time to read/study the writing of other writers and learn more about how I want to write myself.  I've reconnected with some friends I haven't talked to in a long time.  Meditation always returns me to the things that are most important to me.

Stuff to be Grateful for While being Stuck in the House in a Snow Storm

"Today I am grateful for everything - even things that surprise me..."  Hope for Today  

I had the makings for vegetable soup.

My hot water works so I had a hot bath.

Friends who offer to get me stuff at the store.

The spider mums I forgot to bring in from the car survived two days and are still in great shape.

Usually I ignore facebook but I like it when enclosed.

My cable tv works,

I've caught up with some friends on the phone.

I caught a mouse.

The way the sun reflects off snow so that it's twice as light in my house.

There's no mail so I don't have to watch the postman struggle to deliver it.

There's no newspaper so I don't have to feel guilty that I haven't read it.

The bird tracks in the snow on the wheelchair ramp reminding me to put out bird food.

I've had time to pray for the citizens of Egypt.

Snow and More Snow

We're not alone - from the weather map it looks like most of the country is in a blizzard.  I was looking forward to the temperature being in the 40s tomorrow, but woke up to more snow this morning.  Looks like I'm going to be stuck here awhile longer.  Luckily I have plenty to do to keep myself from sinking into slug.  What a great opportunity to study, read and write.  I am more and more hopeful about finishing my writing project in the next two or three months. 

I'm reading the same meditation books I've read for probably three years now.  They seem new and fresh every year even though I remember reading them before.  Today in "Courage to Change," the writer says that remembering that "God is not a terrorist" is necessary for serenity.  I guess that some of us think that since God is in charge, any situation we don't like is God's fault.  I'm just guessing but I wonder if there aren't some folks who think this constant cold and snow is God's punishment for something.  Since I believe God is not a terrorist, I'm going to assume that it's all meant for our good.

New Ideas

One of the things I'm most grateful for is the fabulous new stuff I learned in the beginning of recovery that I'm still using today.  One of them is just a mind set change, really.  If I'm having a problem - especially a problem with another person - the first place I should go to solve it is to myself rather than trying to get them to change.  What a concept.  I had no idea it was possible to solve a problem with another person by changing myself.  Wow!  Of course, at first I thought it was just crazy - if the other person is behaving badly, how could I solve the problem by changing myself?  Well, nine times out of 10 it is possible and so much easier than trying to change another person or situation - which almost never works. 

Example - I was at an event with a friend.  The room was crowded so it started getting overly warm.  The air conditioning went on which solved the problem - except for my friend who is cold-natured.  She began to fuss about being cold - every few minutes.  Finally I pointed out that she had a coat.  She didn't put it on and continued to fuss about being cold.  I just laughed and said, "I guess you would rather be cold and wait for them to change the room temperature than to put on your coat!"  Then she did put on her coat.

The whole thing reminded me of what a gift it was to learn that the easiest way to solve any problem in the world is to change myself.  I used to be just like she is - sure that the people who put the air conditioning on were wrong and wait for them to realize it and change while freezing to death myself.  I sure suffered a lot until I learned that new idea.

Pictures

Adam smoking his pipe after the package opening.

Some of the wreckage from package opening on Christmas.

Fred taking a picture of who knows what on Christmas Eve (must be Christmas Eve - presents are still under the tree).

Sofi taking a picture of Aaron and Liz on Christmas.

Sofi watching over the snacks on Christmas

Thein cooking on Christmas in her American Eagle hat.

Wreath on the ceiling at the Philbrook Museum of Art.  The things dangling from the wreath are feathers - I guess because we're Indian Country.  Whatever!

Aaron taking a picture of the landscaping at Philbrook Museum of Art

Pretty good Christmas lights in my neighborhood.  I think there's a light on every leaf on the tree and bushes!

Old Warehouse Market -art deco building.

One of the famous art deco buildings in Tulsa - an old warehouse market.

The famous praying hands at Oral Roberts University

Oral Roberts University Prayer Tower

Oklahoma Surgical Hospital - interesting to a design student like Sofi.

Aaron and I by the lobby Christmas tree at Oklahoma Surgical.

Aaron and Sofi by the lobby Christmas tree in the lobby of the Oklahoma Surgical Hospital.  We were checking out the design since Sofi is a design student.

Sofi, Aaron, Bec, Adam, Thein around the fire pit at Aaron's graduation party.

Another pic from the 1959 mini reunion at Christmas

Victim Thinking continued

I did a little online research into victim thinking and learned that that personal world view usually comes from trauma where the person really was powerless.  However, when that stance turns into a way of life, it is incredibly damaging.  Although it has its perks - like: blaming others makes you feel "right," self-pity gets you sympathy from others (up to a point), it keeps you from being responsible for directing your life.  You unconsciously create situations where you're a victim so you can keep your role going.  The most noticeable thing about a "victim thinker" is that they are constantly complaining and blaming.  It's their main or only topic of conversation.

Life is full of situations where we really are powerless - tornadoes, earthquakes, and other natural disasters, for example.  But we ARE in charge of our responses to those disasters.  Victim thinkers whine about their fate and look for someone to blame.  Non-victims (responsible people) take charge and make things better.

Lots of philosophers and spiritual gurus will tell you that the answer to victim thinking is forgiveness.  I think though, that the beginning of the answer is to take charge of making things better.  When I'm working on making things better, I'm not blaming and complaining.  Then I'm more likely to forgive when I'm not feeling hopeless, helpless and full of rage. 

"...in my vehement determination to no longer be a victim, I held the hostility that perpetuated my pain.  Once I realized this, I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life...I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."   Hope for Today.

Victim Thinking

Every once in awhile I re-visit something I already know and am amazed at how powerful it is.  Usually it's something I read in one of my meditation books or something one of my sponsors reminds me of.  Just recently I read that "resentment marks the spot where I felt like a victim."  I wanted to have that tatooed somewhere on my body where I could see it all the time.  Just today one of my sponsors emailed me a reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie on not being a victim, and yesterday another of my sponsors reminded me that I was dealing with someone who can only see herself as a victim which keeps her from ever taking action to solve her problems (if you take action and solve a problem, you're not a victim anymore).

I spent the first half of my life thinking like a victim.  I felt hopeless and helpless and enraged.  When I came into a recovery program and they began to teach me about not being a victim and taking responsibility for my life, I got really mad because I couldn't see that they weren't telling me that everything was my fault.  Little by little I saw that I could change how I thought and how I behaved, which would in turn change everything around me and that that didn't mean that my circumstances or other people would necessarily change.

There was a television program I watched a little bit of a couple of years ago.  I can't remember what it was called but it was about parents who had out of control, acting out children, and the show sent a nanny to their house to help.  I was amazed at the parents - they were angry when the nanny showed them how to improve their parenting skills so that the children could rely on their parents to teach good behavior.  The parents saw themselves as victims of their children - saw the children as "bad" and expected the nanny to straighten the children out.  Of course, that isn't how it works.  Parents are responsible for their parenting skills, and the reason the children were acting out was because the parents were not parenting properly. 

Usually there was a confrontation between the nanny and the parents where she had to explain that they either wanted to use her expertise to solve the problem or they didn't.  If they didn't, she was leaving.  If they did, they would have to do as she suggested.  Since it was a tv show, the parents agreed to at least try her suggestions.  They usually consisted of providing structure to the children's day so that they could anticipate what was expected of them.  Included in the structure were fun things to do as a family so that the bond between the parents and the children was nurtured.  The children were also given responsibilities as members of the family - like picking up their toys, taking their dirty plates to the sink, helping set the table, taking out the trash, - reponsibilities appropriate for their ages.  There was usually a chart hung up somewhere that showed whether the responsibilities were taken care of and there was some kind of positive thing that happened if they were.  That might be extra television time, extra time on the computer or something like that.

The parents were to teach the children what was expected of them regarding eating, sleeping, dressing, etc.  Fighting and other kinds of acting out were to be followed by time out, where the parents put the child in a "time out place."  The parent explained to the child why the child was going to time out and told them how long they would be staying there - one minute for every year of age.  Of course, the children who were used to running wild would not stay in the time out place.  The nanny taught the parents to say nothing but just pick the child up and put him or her back - no matter how many times it took.  Of course the parents hated this even more than the children and wanted to give in, but the nanny wouldn't let them.  In an amazingly short period of time, the children learned that if they wanted to stay out of the time out place, all they had to do was refrain from acting up.

One of the common problems was kids who wouldn't go to bed, which resulted in mornings fraught with stress because the kids were too tired to get up and go to school.  Usually the kids had trouble at school because they were so tired.  The nanny used the same technique for that problem:  the parents explained to the kids that bedtime was at whatever time would give them plenty of sleep and let them be able to get up in the morning in plenty of time for school.  A bedtime routine was instituted - a bath followed by story reading was common. Then the parents were to put the kids to bed at that time. 

Of course, the kids immediately got up and tried to talk the parents into letting them stay up.  The parents were to just say, "it's time to go to sleep" and put the child back in bed.  The nanny usually recommended that the parent sit by the bed for two or three nights to make the child feel more secure.  Also, that made it more convenient for the parent to put the child back in bed every time he or she got up.  The parent was not to talk to the child at all after saying one time that it was time to go to sleep.  After the third night, the parent was to sit by the door for three nights and then after that leave the room entirely.  The parent was to put the child back in bed how ever many times it took until the child fell asleep.  Some kids were really stubborn and the parent had to put them back to bed twenty, thirty, even fifty times.  It didn't matter, the parent just kept putting them back to bed.  Usually the kids were falling asleep right after they went to bed by the third or fourth night.  Amazing. 

When the parents stopped being victims of their children and became willing to learn some new ways to parent, the problems were solved.  This example applies to my life over and over.  I had to laugh at how convinced the parents were that the kids were the problem and not themselves.  I lived my life that way:  if I wasn't happy at work it was because of my boss or co-workers, if I wasn't happy in my relationships it was because the other people were not acting the way I wanted them to, and on and on.  I tried to solve my problems by making other people behave the way I wanted them to.  And I did that for years and years without ever noticing that it wasn't working.  Thank God and the people of the program for showing me other ways to live.  Now when I try to work with newcomers to help them see how they can change their perspective from victim to responsible adult, and they fight like tigers to convince me it's not their fault, I can share how it was for me when I was living the way they are and what it's like for me now that I'm not a victim.  It's a far better life, for sure.  There are enough troubles in the world that I don't have control over without creating a bunch more for myself by victim thinking.

Living in the Past

I've discovered that writing a memoir is a lot like living in the past.  That seems pretty obvious, I know.  The thing is that in order to write about something, I have to sit still and really remember how I felt, what things looked like and for the time that I'm writing I do feel like I'm there again.  Right now I'm writing about the death of one of my children.  I'm not liking it much, but I've made a commitment to do this based on the urging of lots of knowledgeable people in my life.  So, onward I go.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.

D.H. Lawrence

Keeping it Simple

I absolutely love the idea I got from Steve Pavlina of making goals so tiny that it would be impossible to fail.  I've managed to ramp up both my writing time and exercise by making itty, bitty, teeny, tiny goals - 15 minutes a day each.  I'm up to over 30 days with each of them and needless to say, progress is being made.  I'm fairly sure that the 15 minutes a day of writing has almost always ended up by being several hours.  So maybe the problem is procrastination and the solution is doing something even if it's almost nothing because it gets me started.  Whatever.  I'm hoping this keeps on working. 

...we of this world are pupils in a great school of life.  As Bill Sees It

New Year

Always at the new year I think about what I might want in my life this year.  I don't make resolutions - I have too much history with breaking them - it's depressing.  But thinking about what I want - that's another story.  This year I want to fill my mind and heart with love and serenity.  I want to ignore all the crap that seems to be going on in the world and around me.  I want to see if I can stay 100% positive all the time.  Well, that may be too lofty, but it's worth a shot.  I wonder how I would feel if I stayed 100% positive.

I pray to learn the way to see myself as a child of God, bearing in my heart and mind the dignity and grace He has conferred upon every one of His children.  Let me learn to live up to this picure of perfection - a little at a time, but always going forward.  One Day at a Time.

Pictures

My friend from high school, Mary Ann and her husband, Bob.  We were at the NHS mini-reunion in Joplin.  Obviously it was Christmas time.

Well, that's it for now because I'm having a challenge figuring out how to get the last batch of pictures posted.  All my computer is giving me is this picture.  There are a whole bunch more.

Oklahoma

Oklahoma weather is exciting, fun and a pain in the you know where.  The snow is pretty much gone in my yard, except for a tiny little patch in the shade by my trash cans.  The temperature is above freezing and we're out of the teens at night which means I can stop wasting water by letting my kitchen faucet drip all night.  So I have less to think about.  I don't have to remember to put on my heavy coat when I go out so that I don't softly scream when the wind hits me.  Exciting.  A lot like when the summer temperature gets down in the low 90s from being 100 plus.  I wonder what people do in places where the sun shines most of the time and the temperature is 72.  I'm guessing they don't think about the weather much which gives them nothing to be grateful for when it moderates to something more bearable.  I'm grateful today.

Cautious Optimism

I think, I hope that I'm back to what passes for normal with me and can start to do something besides sleep and eat again.  The bug I had was vicious and I felt really sorry for myself until I heard what other people had been going through.  It has just taken me longer to get back on my feet than I could ever have imagined.  However, I can now put away the Christmas decorations since everyone I had presents for has gotten their presents. Plus I can get back to my real job - which is getting my book written.  I've finished part one of one story - wonderful and yay for me.  I've written enough now to have a sense of how much more I need to write - I figure I'm about 1/8th of the way finished.  I love the flow of it - I'm not stuck worrying about this and that about how I should do it.  I'm just writing it (and going back and editing earlier stuff as I go along).  I've decided that my goal is to get the writing done and do something with what I've written by the end of this year.  I will have a lot better idea of what else I want to do with the rest of my life once that's done.

Until I finish the writing, I'm not worrying about whatever else I should be doing.  The ongoing work of advocacy for my kids (40ish adults) is time consuming, but there will be an end to some of it at some point.  I continue with that but the writing always comes first.  The only thing I lack in that department is getting my lap top to work right so I can email stuff to myself.  The email isn't working, and I hate to take it back (again) to where I bought it.  I've annoyed that poor guy until he probably hates to see me walk in the door.  My idea is to leave the house and go to where there's free WiiFi and write where I can't get up and do laundry or something.  I will get a lot more accomplished, I'm sure. 

So Step 1 toward my goal really needs to be:  get my laptop email working.  Hmmm.

Whoopi

A friend gave me a copy of a book by Whoopi Goldberg - a series of essays on her "pet peeves."  As you can imagine, she had a lot of them and wasn't shy about the four-letter words, etc.  I am enjoying reading it.  Maybe all of us should write a book of the things that seriously annoy us and give it to everyone we know.  I'm joking but it might turn out that we agree about a lot of things.

Whoopi thinks that airlines should not serve alcohol because a lot of people on airplanes can't stop with two drinks.  She says that in this time when so many people are nervous about flying anyway, having an unpredictable drunk on board really increases the nervousness.  She also thinks that we should study up on the airline regulations before we go to the airport so that we don't have to act shocked about what's required.  Her thought is that the people manning security do not need a bunch of whining about the regulations since they are not the ones who made them.  We should smile and be polite.  She advises packing light so that we can get our carry on luggage on the plane without a bunch of drama.  People with small children should prepare them for flying so that they're not so likely to be scared.  Take them to the airport first.  Let them see pictures of the inside of a plane.  Take things along for them to do.  Practice good airplane behavior with them for a period of time similar to the time they will be on a plane. 

Whoopi also thinks the way we use cell phones is crazy.  People expect us to be available all the time now - answer the phone whenever it rings, night and day.  She thinks that's unhealthy.  We should have periods of time when we don't answer the phone - like when we're busy, with other people, in a crowded place, when we need solitude, when we're reading or watching a movie, etc.  We can return calls eventually.  No babies will die while we're out of reach - unless we're on call or something.  She thinks everyone should stop thinking that other people should just answer the phone the minute they call and stop leaving messages like, "I'm worried about you because I can't get hold of you." 

I kind of agree with her on this stuff. 

Problems

As a coach and as a sponsor, I talk to people about their problems with other people frequently.  Plus, of course, I've had my share of problems with other people.  The more I talk about it the more I see that those problems are incredibly simple - black and white - nothing complicated at all.  But our irrational thinking patterns - usually developed as a result of our emotional problems - cause us to miss how simple it is. 

Dr. Phil says that resolving problems boils down to finding a solution that both people can agree to.  Very rational, right?  The thing I've observed is that there's no way that's going to happen.  Why?  Because both people want their own way and they both want the other person to be the one who is the sole source of the problem.  Often they want the other person punished for what they perceive as bad behavior as well.  So the power struggle ensues.  Too bad.  No good outcome is possible.  Their heads are stuck in the, "I'm right, and you're wrong, and as soon as I can force you to admit that and give me my way, the sooner I will stop yelling at you."  (And I want you to suffer for your bad behavior to even things out.)  Hmmm.  I'm still waiting for someone to tell me that worked for them.

For example, I hear a lot about power struggles over money.  Money is a black and white thing.  There's income and outgo.  There's building a prudent reserve for future needs in case or when we are not able to earn money or for unexpected expenses.  It seems to me that fairness would be a good way for two people to work this out. 

There's a book by Jerrold Mundis that outlines a simple way for two people to work out a fair way to manage their money.  Since most people have unequal incomes, joint expenses would be divided proportionately to their incomes - unless, of course, one person is sitting on her/his butt and not generating any income at all, or working beneath his/her capability.  Joint expenses are defined as those that both people use - shelter, food, vacations, jointly owned property, etc.  Things that are not joint are individual transportation (cars, gas, insurance, repairs, etc.), child support for children from previous marriages, etc.  Each person takes care of their own individual expenses.  Jerrold adds in the concept of value for work - like if one person runs the household and does childcare and the other is employed or if one person does the bulk of the work running the household.  The dollar value of this work is included as income.  The value is decided by what it would cost to hire the work done - cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, child care, lawn care, and so forth. 

It makes me sad to hear over and over that people don't want to set something like this up.  It makes me think that what they are really wanting is to take advantage of the other person, or that they are too lazy to do the work.  Probably, though, they are just too stuck in their emotional problems about money to do the work of finding a fair way to proceed. 

But even when one person is totally unwilling to work something out, the other person can decide what he or she thinks is fair, communicate that and then proceed - for example, pay 2/3 of the house payment, utilities, property insurance and taxes, 2/3 of the groceries (up to a fair amount by his/her standards), 2/3 of all jointly enjoyed recreation and vacations (that he/she agrees to), do all yard work, see to it that cars are serviced, arrange for or repair household problems, etc.  He/she will handle his/her car payment, her/his clothes, individual recreation, medical and dental expenses, etc.  She/he pays 2/3 because he/she doesn't want to share in the running of the household like cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc., plus he/she makes more money.  Even though there's no mutual agreement, one person has at least made a guesstimate at what's fair to both people, and lives by that.  Then the other person knows what to expect.

The usual situation is that the money arrangement isn't working, but both people feel like they would be the loser if the arrangement were re-negotiated.  Usually, one or both want what they suspect would be unfair and so try to use a power struggle to get what they want.  So many arguments over money could be completely eliminated, the divorce rate would go way down, the happiness level would go way, way up, stress-related health problems would decrease, among other things.  But no.  We just keep on refusing to quit arguing from our emotional problems instead of using fairness and rationality to solve money issues.  Sad.

Always New Things to Learn

It's weird but I've learned a lot about Ron after he died.  Wish I could tell him.  For example, I learned that that glare he got that I thought meant he was angry, really meant he was feeling emotional and trying to hold it in.  Unfortunately, I reacted to the anger I suspected instead of the aching heart he probably was feeling.  I just discovered something else:  for the past several days I've been sick enough to stay in bed and just get up to get apple juice and lie back down.  Today I felt better and began to gather up laundry, change the cat's water, etc.  Since I was more aware of my surroundings, I noticed that cabinet doors were open all over the place.  Apparently, I didn't have the energy to close them.  I used to get mad at Ron for leaving cabinet doors open - attributing it to laziness.  Hmmmm.  Probably it was just an indication that he was very sick.  Hmmm.  Still learning about love and misunderstandings.

Christmas Eve

I've been to the Christmas Eve service at the Village Church.  The preacher was so good I remember the sermon - human beings have a rightiousness problem (we can't seem to stay with the rules for being good to each other) so God had to do something about that and he sent perfection into the world so we could have it too - so we would be able to really be in his image.  God isn't so much about trying to make us behave as he is about getting us to love.  Good sermon.

The Christmas Eve dinner is finishing up.  Thein made "phuh" - a lovely Vietnamese soup.  Liz made peanut brittle, fudge and some other kind of candy.  Fred made a fire in the fire pit and roasted tiny sausages.  Pretty soon we'll celebrate. 

I feel fairly detached about Christmas these days.  But still I love everything.  It's a beautiful spritual time.  I just read an article in Spirituality and Health that basically said that it isn't much in the way of spirituality if it's all personal.  If we aren't addressing the suffering of others in the world...well our practices aren't worth much.  So, I wish the whole world peace.and hope I can further that in the year to come.

Lucky

Lucky Man is the name of one of Michael J. Fox's books.  Since he has Parkinson's, the title stands out.  Often as I write the story of my life, I am struck again by how lucky I am.  (Or another way of putting it is that there's a God looking out for me.)  It wouldn't seem that way when you look at the events of my life.  Each story I write I worry that the miracles won't stand out, that all I'm showing is bad luck and tragedy.  But I truly am lucky.  I had a friend that was just wiped out by the accident that caused Ron to die and me to be so seriously injured.  She was angry at the drunk driver and overwhelmed by the sadness of it all.  I was more focused on how mine and Ron's friends stepped up to take care of us, by the great good luck of having a caring surgeon, by the fantastically skilled therapists in the rehab unit I spent a month in, by the great advantage I had to be in a program that had prepared me to deal with difficulty by finding the gift in all of it.  I could go on and on but I won't.  I'm just feeling lucky today.

Play time

Today is the day Aaron and Sofi come to visit for a few days.  It's one of my best Christmas presents.  I love having the opportunity to get to know Sofi better; she seems like such a beautiful spirit.  Aaron just graduated from college and so we'll be celebrating that.  Lots of fun stuff to do.  Yay for play!

Resentments and Victims

I can always tell when I'm seeing myself as a victim - I feel powerless, hopeless and resentful.  I spent a whole lot of my adult life like that.  By the time I got into recovery I was so angry and resentful I was like a powder keg.  Pretty much everything made me mad.  What I learned was that I was NEVER a victim and would never be a victim - I just lacked the skills to take care of myself. 

Our whole world educates us to see ourselves as victims of "the bad guys."  We're taught to fight - attack those bad guys, make them see the error of their ways and punish them.  It's incredible but we totally miss the fact that this does not work and never has in all of history - either in our individual relationships or in countries.  Somebody wins, somebody loses.  The losers are resentful and plot revenge and spend a lot of time and energy carrying out their plots.  They either get revenge or they don't.  If they do, they never notice that they're no better off than they were before.  Or they don't get revenge, stay resentful and then plot more revenge.  Try to find the happy people in that mess!  Ha!

I'm not immune now from resentment.  What I have is some tools to identify the story I told myself that identified me as a victim.  Then I can think up (mostly with help from someone else) another story to tell myself. 

When I first was told about this idea of never being a victim, I tried hard to disprove it.  "What if I'm captured by Nazi's and put in a concentration camp.  Doesn't that mean I'm being victimized?" I said.  They pointed out that this kind of stuff goes on in the world all the time.  The trick is to use the situation for good.  There are books written about people who were in concentration camps who decided to use their situation for good - one guy wrote a book in his head about what was happening so that he could tell the story when he got out so that something like that would never happen again.  A woman and her sister spent every single day trying to help the other people.  They took care of the sick, comforted the dying, etc.  They had goals and a mission to use their situation for good.

I've used this concept in my own life - not so many dramatic situations, of course - just in small ways.  It completely changes how I feel, how I think, and the level of fun I'm having in my life.  It is really true that I'm never a victim - no matter what happens to me, no matter how other people treat me.  There's always a way to use the situation for my good and the good of other people.  The process starts with me being angry, complaining to the right people (people who won't sympathize more than a minute or two and who will remind me of my mission), and choosing a course of action.  There's no guarantee that I will always win this little game, but I would rather fight back against seeing myself as a victim than lie down and whine!!

I've been at this for over 28 years now.  It can pay off in some terrific ways.  After being hit by a drunk driver, having the love of my life die as a result, and being very seriously injured, I could surely have claimed victim hood, and a lot of people would have listened while I whined incessantly.  I did my share of whining but the whole time I knew that was not the answer.  So as best I could I accepted all the help I was offered, tried my best to do what I needed to do to heal, and look for the lessons I could learn as a result of my situation. 

Hmmm

More things that make me go "hmmmm."  I signed up to take a meeting to a DUI school.  I have a soft spot in my heart for the place because Ron used to work for them teaching classes.  He had a whole lot of fun harassing the students and making fun of their denial that they had a problem with drugs and alcohol.  Evidently the DUI schools are making it mandatory for the folks that are court ordered to DUI school to go to meetings - which results in a lot of cranky people coming to meetings.  So some volunteers are taking meetings to the schools.  None of the students at the meeting I attended were at all interested but all of us volunteers had a great time.  I barely could drag myself out of the house to go.  I was very tired and wanted to go to bed.  But I went anyway and was so surprised that I felt better after the meeting.  Hmmmm.  Maybe the energy I'm needing doesn't come from rest but from other people, or being of service or whatever.  Hmmm.

Listening for God

I was taught early in recovery that listening to God was the definition of meditation.  That sounded crazy to me.  Who but people who were more than a little off would even have the temerity to think that an almighty God would speak directly to them.  Who did they think they were?  Moses?  Later after I had some recovery and had actually tried to meditate and had begun to understand what they meant, I had a discussion with someone I was sponsoring who was a non-believer.  I shared some of the experiences I had had in meditation.  She, like I had been, was skeptical and told me she was sure all I was listening to was my own mind.  She was not encouraged when I said that she was undoubtedly right - I was listening to the part of my mind where God lived.  She thought that was even weirder.  I guess it's one of those things where you just have to have been there.  Actually, I don't listen TO God; I just listen FOR God.  Sometimes I get in touch with something I know is God; sometimes not.  In any case, it seems like a practical thing to do - take a few minutes to make myself available in case there's something God wants me to know or do.

Hooray for Graduations

Middle grandson's party was lovely.  He didn't get enough money as gifts to make a down payment on a house (ha), but enough to help him get started in a place of his own as soon as he finds a job.  He intends to work in law enforcement which is kind of scary, but he will be the kind of guy who helps people rather than hurts people.  Got to see all the relatives and outlaws (ex-husband plus new wife) and friends of the family.  Happy day.  The trip to and from was energized by a Robin Cook mystery with a surprise ending.  I'm not sure it was written that way, though.  I fast forwarded through the boring parts so much that I probably missed the part that would have given me a hint as to how it was going to end.  That's the trouble with audio books.  If they go too slowly to suit me, I fast forward and lose a lot.  Whatever.  I was entertained.  I'm glad to be home.  The sun is shining and I'm making progress on my stories. 

Graduation

It's weird.  I do not feel old even though my MIDDLE grandson is graduating from college.  There's probably something wrong with me.  On the inside I still feel like I'm about 18.  That may be because I've started my life over so many times.  So today I leave for Dallas to help get things ready for the graduation party tomorrow night.  In a couple of weeks he and his girlfriend will be here to visit for a few days and we will have all kinds of fun.  I love my grandchildren because they are all wonderful.  However, one of the best parts of being a grandmother is that I get to play when they do!!  Can't wait.

December is still beautiful

Global warming or whatever it is, is making me really enjoy the 50 degree weather we're having.  My friend, Chuck, came yesterday and today to clean up my piles of leaves in the yard.  I am blessed.  Usually I just let the leaves blow away, but now I have this neighbor who rakes his and landscapes and all that.  I'm embarrassed so I called Chuck who came and bailed me out of my-neighbor-hates-me-hell. 

Hello December

It hasn't seemed much like December even though it has been for several days.  It's been quite balmy which has been nice since I've been playing catch up from being sick.  I went to the New Haven 25th
Anniversary dinner last night and it was good to connect with friends I don't see often.  Our speaker was a guy who was a member of a group I belonged to for a long time.  He was not yet 18 when he got sober so he had a hard time realizing what he was truly going to have to do to stay that way.  He said that at one point he was ready to either die or drink even though he had several years of recovery.  He had left so much out of his recovery program that he was easy prey for his disease.  Luckily, he recognized how much trouble he was in and headed for a meeting and changed his ideas of what was necessary to live a happy, productive, sober life.  Yay!  I'm so glad he's alive, well and happy now.  He's married, has two children and is a big support to other people trying to get well.  It was just what I needed to hear.  Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself because things are not going that well.  Then I'm reminded that I have so much now that 27 years ago I would never have imagined I could have.  My life is full of gifts - a good thing for December.