"I grew up trusting no one, but I know if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten. I want to change." Hope for Today.
Since I knew as a kid that I was supposed to look perfect even if I wasn't perfect, I didn't learn from my mistakes. How could I? I tried very hard to not make any mistakes, of course. But when I did, I denied and lied so no one could help me do better in the future. I was used to being judged and criticized when I made mistakes so I just wanted to keep that from happening. I carried that way of being into my adulthood. I've never met anybody that tried as hard as I did to make no mistakes. I was wound up tight trying to do everything right all the time. By the time I was thirty I needed a lot of sleep. I was exhausted.
After all that I decided trying to be perfect didn't benefit me at all and just gave up. That didn't work either. I made a lot more mistakes and blew off any negative feedback I got. When I got into recovery and found out how much like everyone else I was because they told their secrets and laughed at their mistakes, I began to learn new ways of dealing with life. I got off my own case and stopped expecting myself not to make mistakes. I learned from my mistakes instead of denying and hiding. I'm still not perfect, but that's okay now. Sometimes I can't believe how much I've learned!
I chose trustworthy people to tell about myself. There were a couple of professional counselors that I trusted. And most of all, people in recovery because they weren't going to give me a hard time - they'd made the same mistakes themselves. Since they had learned from their mistakes, they could show me how to learn from mine. Judgmental, critical people aren't the ones I choose to talk to about my deepest self. They usually make themselves feel better about themselves by criticizing me. I'm not evolved enough to be able to handle a lot of criticism although I'm better than I used to be.
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