365 Project Trip to see Eric in Montana 8.2010

Trip pictures - I love my digital camera. It drives Liz crazy when I do this with her in the car, but a lot of times I just stick the camera out the window and snap a picture without looking. That also works sticking the camera against the windshield. If you don't like the pic, just delete it. Cool!!! Sometimes thing look a little crooked as a result but you can still get the gist.




A bunch of people standing and watching the steam rise from a hole in the ground. On the other side of them is the ice cold lake. A horse of many colors at the Believe It or Not Museum in Jackson Hole

The view out of the window at our friend Annie's house near Jackson.

View of the Grand Tetons

The view from the restaurant grounds at the Grand Teton park. I think these are the best mountains I've ever seen.

Eric and Annie looking at the view.

We ate at a pizza place that faces this lake.

Another view from the pizza place.

Old Faithful.

Here's Eric videoing Old Faithful. He's grinning because he's planning to beat the crowd for ice cream cones.

Old Faithful has fizzled.

More scary steam coming out of the ground.

Here we are at the water fall in the canyon in Yellowstone.

A better view of the canyon waterfall in Yellowstone.

Looking down into the canyon.

More steam!

Eric looking at the ever present buffalo in Yellowstone.

Buffalo.

The Buffalo Bill Cody dam.

Lake at the dam. Another view of the lake at the dam.

The tunnel before the dam.

Coming into the tunnel.

Amazing weathered rock formations.

We're coming around a mountain.

Eric's house.

Sweet Medicine Drive where Eric lives.

Looks like it might rain.

Faraway mountains.

Wyoming cliffs.

Building in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Kansas sky.

Building in Cheyenne.

Kansas windfarm.

Home again, Home again, Jiggitey Jig

I actually got home last Friday afternoon, late. Since then I've been sleeping a lot, eating and generally doing not much. I think I'm coming out of the fog now and may even download some pics. It turns out that my laptop actually does work. I need to work with it some more so I can learn how to use it better. If I had gotten it working, there was a lot of writing time I could have used on the trip.

The person who has been acting as my writing coach has given me the assignment of organizing the stories I'm writing into some kind of order and then planning the rest of the project on a story board. I got that assignment yesterday and have begun the set up. She also said a good deadline was to finish the whole project by December 1st. That would be a good Christmas present for me! However, that means I would have to write several hours a day, every day. Hmmm. I have no idea what it would be like to actually finish. Plus then I would have to "put it out there" and see if anyone wants it. That's even scarier. But... I really want to do this. So....

Travel time

Laundry done, Chinese in Colstrip, meeting at the Casino, sound sleep from 10:00 to 7:30 a.m. Packed and ready to go. Aiming for Cheyenne, Wyoming, tonight and Hays, Ks. tomorrow night. I hope to be home early afternoon on Friday. It was hard to say goodbye to Eric this morning.

Catch Up

Eric went to work yesterday before I got up at 11:00 a.m. I had a nap from 2:30 to 4:30 and after we ate dinner, we both went to bed at 6:00 p.m. Poor Eric. He was worn out from all that driving. I was just worn out. Both of us slept through until this morning. Today I'm doing laundry in preparation for leaving tomorrow morning. We didn't make it to a meeting last night so will go tonight. I've had a fabulous time but am ready to be back in Tulsa.

Food and Fun

After leaving camp, we went to Jackson. Looked at the amazing Native American art at the visitor center, and then went to the art fair in Jackson. When we had looked at all of the delightful things, we went to the Merry Piglets to eat Mexican food. I was delighted with my rice bowl which had almost every vegetable I could think of plus, of course, rice and black beans. We attended the 8:00 pm meeting where I got a fashion idea from a guy with one leg who coordinates the color of his shirt with a ribbon he puts around his artificial peg leg. I could do that with my cane! It was a speaker meeting and the woman who spoke was articulate and fun to listen to. She talked a lot about how hard it was to surrender. We spent the night at Annie's - a fabulous house that has an incredible view of the Grand Tetons. Slept like a baby until 10:30, dressed and got on the road.

We left Jackson about noon, ate Calzone at the pizza place where we ate with Annie, and went to another part of Yellowstone where we had not been before. Right next to the lake is an area where there are smaller holes with boiling water where the micro-organisms have colored the water - blue, orange, yellow, green. Amazing sight. The rest of the day was the trip back to Lame Deer. We stopped in Cody, Wyoming, to eat at the hotel/restaurant built by Buffalo Bill Cody. In this whole area there are reminders of him. The huge dam in the area is named for him. My grandmother told us that we were related to him - he would be my great, great, great uncle. Hmmm. I wonder what perks I should be getting for being related to such a famous person. We got to Lame Deer about midnight. I slept until 11:00 this morning v I think I will take a nap this afternoon. I probably will stay another day and leave Wednesday morning since all this adventuring has used up my reserve of energy (which wasn't very bit in the first place.) But it has been a great use of energy!

More Adventure

Yesterday was Yellowstone adventure - I suspect it is a completely unique place. According to the tour book, for 200 years explorers and others reported that boiling water shot up out of the ground, that there was boiling mud, etc. Back east people said those people were crazy. Lewis and Clark didn't go there because an Indian told them there were evil spirits there that didn't want people there. Of course, all the time the Indians were hunting buffalo there. Finally, after 200 years of scoffing, a scientist took an expedition to see what was really true. He took Thomas Moran, the painter with him to have a visual record. This was about 1870. Finally, people believed that this place actually existed. I can certainly see why it was hard to believe. I've said, "Oh my God!" many times yesterday.

We camped in a tent/cabin with our friend, Annie, last night. Sat around a bonfire last night and this morning and then left for Jackson. We've taken a lot of pictures of the Grand Tetons - beautiful, beautiful mountains. Right now we're at Annie's house where we will stay tonight. She is about to go to work. Eric and I will nap, clean up and maybe take a ski lift tour. Tonight is meeting night.

We'll head back to Lame Deer tomorrow. I'll stay there for a day or two and then head back to Tulsa. Such an amazing adventure!

Adventures

I arrived in Lame Deer, Montana, yesterday about 6:30 mountain time. I had a smooth trip with almost no glitches. The scenery was beautiful and sometimes breathtaking. I expected to see lots of wind farms but saw only a few. I wondered who owns all this empty space and what he or she is doing with it. My only disappointment was that my used, refurbished laptop is just not working. I patted myself on the head a bunch for finding a bargain, but it appears not to have been a bargain. Luckily Eric is loaning me his Mac for blogging and googling.

It's great to see Eric. I have really missed his company. The phone talks are just not the same.

All the way here I listened to an audio book, "Tomorrow's God." It's about the search people are currently on to find a way to live spiritually. I found it very thought provoking. One thing struck me - if we are on a search to live spiritually, we should probably start with taking care of ourselves, beginning with 15 minutes of meditation morning and evening, 20 minutes of exercise every day, and eating a balanced diet. The book said that one of the main obstacles to living spiritually is our distaste for taking care of ourselves. We want someone else to take care of us - even God. Hmmm. The book added that there's a fourth thing - a way of regularly inspiring ourselves. Possibilities: nature, music, study of spirituality, church, etc. Anyway, it was a great way to travel.

Tonight after Eric finishes work, we will head toward Yellowstone. We plan to meet our friend, Annie, who works in Jackson and have dinner with her. I'm not sure when we will start back to Eric's but it may be Saturday afternoon or Sunday. Since I've never seen Yellowstone, I'm looking forward to it. My childhood friend, Connie, and her family went on a trip to Yellowstone when we were about 10 years old. I was very jealous. Now I can get over it.

Trip

After a lovely "staycation" with granddaughter, Rebecca, I'm going on an actual trip. Tomorrow I set out for Lame Deer, Montana, where my friend, Eric, moved six months ago. I'm driving so I can see the country and to avoid the annoyances of flying. I'm really looking forward to it. Friends are saying, "Are you driving? Alone?!!!" They forget that I had two jobs where I drove (alone) all over creation. I learned a lot about long distance traveling. It can be a great experience if you like to sing to the Brandenburg Concertos, listen to audio books and talk to yourself - all of which I love to do but get very little chance to do.

I just finished washing my car - for the first time since the wreck. I thought I was surely in good enough shape to do it instead of spending $ at the car wash. And indeed it was a piece of cake. Next I've got to clean it out. I'm not sure why, but my car seens to become an office with all kinds of business stuff in it, but that shouldn't take long. Then, of course, I must pack. A couple of friends are going to help me shampoo carpet at the clubhouse. Newcomers spill a lot of coffee and the stains keep wicking back up even after it is shampooed. So we're going to see if we can keep that from happening. Then we have our book study on the Four Agreements. After that if there's anything left of me, I'll finish packing and hit the hay.

I'm hoping that I will be able to post as I go along. I just bought a used Mac book which should give me that capability.

Treasure found in the Clean Out

I've been engaged in one of those major cleanouts most of us do periodically - closets, cabinets, desks, etc. Yesterday I found a treasure among the papers I had piled up to do something with someday. Usually those piles all end up in the trash because by the time I go through them, I've lost interest or time has made them irrelevant. However, this time I found an article describing how to make major changes in one's self or one's life by using brain functions.

According to the article, by using ritual several times a day - it doesn't really matter what - to support the changes you want to make, your brain will automatically go to work on helping you make those changes. These rituals make memories that gradually change you into a new person, so to speak. Rituals could consist of just stopping and spending a few minutes thinking about the changes you want to make.

The article outlines six elements that need to go into the work: 1) Do the rituals frequently - three to five times a day. 2) Use meditation to support the changes - by quieting the "to-do" mind and getting in touch with the quieter part of the mind, one's "higher self" can surface. This part of the "self" is the part that will support the changes we want to make. 3) Create a model for the self you want to create. This could be based on someone you admire or just on how you want to be. 4) Cultivate the "witness." All of us have a part of ourselves that observes our thoughts and behaviors. Some people call this the conscience. Some call it an inner guide. To make changes, we need to be in touch with this part of ourselves so that we can mnitor whether our thoughts and behaviors are in alignment with the changes we want to make and make adjustments as we go along. 5) Choose a motivational feelling. This would be an emotion that you've had in the past that supported you in making changes. Remember that feeling and develop ways to evoke that feeling in yourself. Maybe there are pictures or objects that evoke that feeling. Maybe a piece of jewelry. Fragrance is another powerful way to evoke feeling. Maybe a particular scent would help you get into that feeling. 6) Choose some new behaviors to engage in that will support the changes you want to make. Make a list of at least three things you could do that you've never done before that would support the changes you want to make. Do the easiest one first when the time is right. Then work your way through the list to the most difficult one.

Here's an example of a ritual that incorporates all of the six elements for change:
Begin with a short period of meditation so that your higher self to come to the surface. Then evoke the feelilng state you chose for motivating your changes. Let the feeling grow and allow it to adjust your body and facial expression. Then bring to mind the self you want to become and focus on each of the values and characteristics you want. This can be a very brief practice.

In between times, remain in touch with your witness as much as possible and when making decisions, ask yourself what your new self would do. When you catch yourself doing or saying something that is not in alignment with your new self, stop for a moment and do a mini-ritual to shift back.

Cultivate environments that support the changes you want to make. You might want to create a sacred space in your home or even make your entire home a sacred space. Look for places that inspire you in your geographical area - nature or beautiful buildings. Even more important, cultivate a supportive social environment. Surround yourself with people who support the changes you are making.

Pain as a Touchstone for Spiritual Growth

When I was first in recovery I was in a meeting that was studying Step 10 and they came across the paragraph that says something about pain being the touchstone of all spiritual growth. I said I was sure that wasn't going to be true for me because I had had all the pain in my life that I could handle and I was sure my Higher Power was going to protect me from pain so that I could stay sober. My sponsor's sponsor was in the room, and she said, "Oh, honey. Please see me after the meeting."

I truly thought that one of the main objectives of life was to have no pain. But the beautiful lady said, "No! Pain is a tool that tells us when something is wrong that we need to do something about! What if we had no pain when we broke a leg? We would keep walking and further damage our leg. The same is true for emotional pain - it alerts us that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Even grief at the death of a much beloved person alerts us to the fact that we need to adjust to a new life without the person. Of course, I had never thought about pain that way. I was sure that pain was to be avoided and escaped which meant that the relief from pain that chemicals gave me was a good thing - which, of course, led to addiction.

So - now I don't try to find pain to make myself grow. There's plenty to be had without seeking it. But in every kind of pain there's a gift of some kind, and it's my job to find it.

365 Project

Rebecca and I had a great adventurous few days when she came to visit. I forgot to take pictures at Big Splash and the pics I took at the drive in movie did not come out. But here are the rest of the pics plus some others of interest.

Bec is trying to fit in with the fishes when we visited the aquarium.

Beautiful Bec and beautiful fishes at the aquarium.

Our first trip on the adventure Rebecca and I had last week. This is the door into the Woolaroc museum near Bartlesville.

Here's Bec with the huge elephant head at Woolaroc.

And here, at last, are the shrunken heads at Woolaroc that Bec has waited for a long time to see. I believe everyone should see shrunken heads.

The buffalo (bison) on the way in to Woolaroc.

Water buffalo at Woolaroc. They're in the water for sure on this hot day.

Check these out! Either they're new or Rebecca noticed them when I haven't in all the times I've stopped for gas at this rest stop on the way home from Dallas. We got a great big laugh.

Bec and I went to the aquarium on our adventure week and got this picture with the diver in one of the big tanks.

Here's Minky with his swimming instructor. He is doing great with swimming lessons.

This is the shadow cast on the wall through my front window and the bushes. I thought it was pretty but it didn't take a very pretty picture.

Apparently I inadvertently bought a slow cooker that was meant for cannibals!

Poor Cisco. It was time for his rabies shot, but it made him sick this time and he had to go back to the vet.

Re-re-re-organizing

Re-organizing is the story of my life. My priorities shift constantly. Of course, the wreck really re-organized my life. Grief takes massive amounts of energy. My whole psyche had to learn to live without Ron who was the center of my life for twenty-two years. It was the most amazing thing to just observe how much work went into that that was pretty much out of my control. I guess we are hardwired to grieve losses and there's little we can really do to change it. It's possible to schedule some of the uncontrollable weeping for more convenient times than at work or at the grocery store, but that's about it. Then, of course, there was the physical healing process that was daily work. Five surgeries in a year and a half took a toll on this over 60 body when added to the trauma of being hit by a car. It wasn't unusual for me to sleep 14 to 16 hours out of every 24. Some folks tried to tell me that I was depressed, but believe me I know the difference between completely pooped and bummed, and I was pooped.

Little by little I've gotten better. Not just because almost five years have passed, although that's part of it. I've also done just about everything I could think of or that anybody could suggest to facilitate my healing: Hawaiian massage, cranial-sacral body work (2 kinds), counseling, nutrition, voice-mapping, NUCCA chiropractic, physical therapy. It seems to me that the voice-mapping, nutrition, physical therapy, and cranial-sacral body work have been the most help.

I am far from normal now, but it's hard to tell what I would have been like at 69 without the wreck. Maybe I would be as easily tired as I am now. Maybe I would have the same quirks - like I can't eat highly spiced food anymore. Who knows. But here I am - probably as well as I'm going to be. That doesn't mean I will stop doing the things that help me, but I'm shifting my focus. Up til now healing has been top priority - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Everything else had to take second place. Of course, I spend time with family and friends because I love them and because they sustain me, but besides that - it was kind of - "I'll do what I can and that will have to be enough." Household chores certainly fell into that category. Sometimes the chores didn't get done and things were in a wreck. I paid bills late, ate McDonalds three meals a day, etc. Finally my job fell into that category and I quit after cutting back three or four times.

I've spent the last few months inventorying my spiritual and emotional self (per the 12 Steps) and I'm almost done with that process. Through that process I realized I needed to do some clearing of the house and I'm almost finished with that. So, now I'm re-organizing my priorities to get even more serious about the writing I've wanted to do my whole life. I've done a lot of it in the past few months, but I need a lot more time to progress more quickly. I'm feeling pretty unsettled in this process. I've been through so many changes that I would rather dig a rut and veg out in it. But my decision is to move forward. At 69, it's not good to postpone the desire of my life!!!! But in redesigning my days, I will have to take into consideration that the time to write will have to come out of something else and it can't be the time to rest; feed myself physically, spiritually, emotionally; and exercise.

Fortune Cookie advice

"Don't mistake temptation for opportunity!" ~ fortune cookie.

I really can't remember how many times I've mistaken temptation for opportunity. I could have used this advice when I was a lot younger than I am now. GRRRR! But it's been a long time now since I got confused about the difference between temptation and opportunity. Usually the difference becomes clear as soon as I take a little time to think. Amazing how that works. The confusion can stem from simple things like eating something enticing when I'm not hungry to more complicated things like beginning a romance that is obviously doomed.

Bec and I are nearing the end of this adventure. We stared at a lot of strange creatures at the aquarium yesterday. The otters were having an attack of playfulness and were doing all kinds of tricks. The beavers were even showing off for the crowd. We had BBQ with Lynn and Kristin and watched Astro Boy which was okay for what it was - a cartoon. We didn't want to get something that would scare Kristin but would keep the rest of us awake and we succeeded at that. I, however, went to bed at 9:00 and so had to run poor Aunt Lynn and Kristin off. My hope was that I would be able to get up early for the Farmer's market, but it didn't happen. However, we finished baking the cookies - I only burned one batch (really just a bit too brown), and we pulled the weeds and trees out of the front flower beds. The next time a likely guest shows up, the next step will be to put mulch down.

Adventure

Bec and I are well on our way in our adventure. We went to the Admiral Twin to see SALT last night. It was an adventure to find the theatre and an adventure to go to the bathroom. It wasn't exactly the classiest place to see a movie. The place we planned to eat dinner was closed for a private party so we went to Bodean's seafood which was sort of nearby. The adventure there was the prices on the menu so we decided to splurge. It was yum! Earlier that day we went to Woolaroc to see the shrunken heads (pictures later). Everyone should see shrunken heads before they die. They shrunk the heads but the eyelashes didn't shrink. It was very weird. More to come.

Harmony

"We don't go to a funeral in a party mode..." - Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact

Melody is talking about being in harmony with ourselves, people around us and our circumstances. Some of us have thought that being true to ourselves must mean being obviously out of step with everyone else. I've learned for myself that that's not true. Being out of step is just being disagreeable. But being true to myself, other people and my circumstances is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It requires that I have a spiritual center comprised of knowing and loving who I am, acceptance of others (whether I agree with them or not because they are on their own paths) and acceptance of my circumstances even when I am changing them. It is a place I'm only in part of the time. Sometimes I'm so out of sync with people around me that I have to go somewhere else for awhile.

The key is that I have a purpose for my life and it's not being a missionary to persuade everyone else to my point of view. My purpose is love and kindness - being a force for good. I think the Dalai Lama said that his religion was kindness and if that's good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I don't think I can possibly go wrong with kindness!

Freedom

"Resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim." - Courage to Change.

This quote is so big. I would like to embroider it and hang it on a wall. I rarely have resentments anymore. The program has relieved me of this defense mechanism for the most part, but occasionally I get one, and when I do it's big and I carry that grudge like a badge of honor. Sometimes those resentments get so old, I forget I have them - it just feels like I'm carrying a heavy load of some kind. The quote above is followed with something about feeling as if the resentment is somehow a protection against being hurt again. I doesn't actually work that way. Staying mad just hurts me. But, and that's a big but, it's necessary for me to think through what I need to do to take care of myself instead of getting a resentment. Usually it's necessary for me to have help from a person who's not involved in order to complete that task. I'm usually too disturbed to think straight.

Here's an example: What usually happens with resentments (for me), is that I feel powerless and as if the person has the power to hurt me. A good example is a boss that accuses me of things I didn't do and doesn't believe me when I explain. About all I can think of in that kind of situation is to quit my job or act like a door mat. If quitting my job is not an option because I'm supporting someone I love, I surely feel trapped.

The antidote is really simple - I can take some time before I reply and then write out what I want to say. It's best to run it by someone else before I communicate. I can give the facts and any back up proof I have and then let it go. It's a good idea to keep a paper trail of some kind in case it's needed later. If I know for sure my side of the street is clean, that's about all I can do to take care of myself. Perhaps it would be wise to start updating my resume and begin exploring options for another job just in case. But if I love the work I'm doing and the pay is excellent, staying put and not getting a resentment is the best course for my well-being. I've done my part and I'm not a victim so there's no need for me to get a resentment.

Clean Out

It's odd - I really can't remember how/when I used to clean out closets and drawers. I remember doing it. I just can't remember much about it. I decided some time ago that it was time again for a clean out. I've done closet clean out several times in the last few years. It's part of starting life anew after loss of a spouse. Then again, I've cleaned out because I was running out of room in storage areas - not that I have so much stuff, but I don't have much storage room. Most recently I started doing it again because I was working Steps 6 (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character) and 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings). One way to do that is to do a major clean out to make room for the new. The thing is, I can't seem to get finished. I start in one place and realize that I need to move some of the stuff to another place. But before I can do that, I need to clean out that place to make room. So now I've cleaned out several places that I had no intention of cleaning out. It's a very satisfying task though. I can feel myself being more and more ready to have my defects of character removed!

Time Tracking

By tracking where I spend my time so that I spend my hours and minutes in having the best life possible, I discovered that I spend a lot more of my time in some areas than I realized. I thought the time I spend just wandering around would be larger than it turned out to be. I was glad about that.

The areas where I used a lot more time than I thought were:

1. My project of cleaning up the clubhouse. I assigned myself this project when I started using a room there for some of my classes. I always cleaned the room I used, and then I noticed that there was a lot that needed to be done in other rooms. So I started coming early to do more. Then I started running errands to purchase things I needed to clean and spiff up. Now I was up to several hours a week. Oops.
2. I spend a lot of time on the phone and in meetings with people in recovery. I just automatically drop everything to do this. I always have. It benefits me as much as it does them. The thing is, I could organize this a lot better. Food for thought.
3. I also noticed that I spend at least an hour or two a day on projects regarding my adult children with disabilities. Most of it has to do with just monitoring and making sure things get done. Recently, I agreed to be temporaryguardian for Bridget's roommate who has no family and whose guardian died this last year. Without a guardian, she can't participate in any activity that requires consent, and she's missed out on a lot in the last year. So... For example, today I will take some consent papers to be notarized for her. Next week I will take the forms to participate in therapeutic horseback riding to her doctor for him to fill out his part and then take the whole batch to the horse place. I emailed her physical therapist because he will need to be present when she does her tryout ride. I expect this will take awhile to arrange. That's just one little thing. I have probably 10 to 20 other things I'm trying to get done for both Bridget and her roommate. For Minky - he's doing well right now and all I really would like to do is visit him at his swimming and music lessons.

My main project is finishing the memoir I started in March. I finally found the way to do it. Now I just need to organize my time so that I actually finish it. I would like to finish it before I'm 70 which would give me a year. For that to happen - well, I need to give the time thing some thought!

365 Project

Mary Trebel turned 80! She's been in my life for a long time and I am grateful.

Here's Susie looking at I'm not sure what at the aquarium. I went with Bridget and Susie and their staff to the Tulsa aquarium.

The sharks are fairly scary to me too but I think Bridget is just looking at the lights.

Bridget is looking at the fish or maybe just the light since she doesn't see that well even that close.

I love these scary looking fish!

My collection of wonderful birthday cards. I put them on the kitchen table where I sit most of the time so that I could enjoy them for more than one day.

Ready for the feast on the 4th. Susie and Paul came with the fresh corn and home made strawberry ice cream. I had made rice salad and steak. I had a stomach ache for a long time after but it was worth it!

Intervention

I was flipping through the channels on a rest day I had to take last week, and since there was almost nada on tv, I stopped at A&E that was having an "Intervention" marathon. Since I helped Ron some with interventions and he did hundreds of them, I've learned something about them. Basically, the people closest to the person with an addiction problem come together to share their concerns and decide if they want to do an intervention. If they do, they all write letters to the person sharing how much they love him/her, why they are concerned and that they want him/her to get help. They are very specific about the help they want him/her to get - usually in-patient treatment. They've got a suitcase packed and the treatment center is ready for the person. The person is not told about the intervention in advance because the hope is that the person will say "yes" before he/she has had time to think up a bunch of excuses. So when the actual intervention takes place, each person reads their letter to the person with the addiction and then asks him/her if they will please get help TODAY.

Ron was successful with the interventions he did about 99% of the time - meaning that the person agreed to go to treatment. That doesn't mean that the person recovered but at least the family and friends have done their best to get the person to accept help. The interventionist has already explored with the friends and family the ways they have been "helping" the person stay addicted. Examples: lending money, providing transportation and housing, legal help, etc. If the person refuses REAL help, friends and family must stop "enabling" by not providing the kind of help they provided before and letting the person experience the consequences of his/her behavior/choices. Frequently, when the person is faced with the consequences, he/she will then accept help.

Of course, there's a lot more to an intervention than what I've described, but I've put down the three basic parts: 1) Loving confrontation - describing concerns rather than criticizing 2) Offering specific help that has already been arranged so that as soon as the person says "yes," off they go. 3) Ceasing to protect the person from the consequences of their addiction/behavior with the hope that the pain the person will suffer from the consequences will motivate him/her to get help. Another vital piece is that the people involved in the intervention not be severely addicted themselves, that they have been trained in how to behave in the intervention and can be trusted not to relapse into old ways such as verbal attacks, etc., that they can be trusted not to warn the person about the interevention, and that they will commit to end their "enabling,"

This whole process is extremely emotional and painful for everyone involved. Everyone involved must do all of it with love and not anger, condemnation and threats. Usually that's one of the things they've already tried without success.

The weird part of this is that the process is completely foreign to most people. What we all seem to do is throw fits and point out to out of control people that they need to change. All that happens then is that they get mad and cut us out of their lives. Then we usually switch to ignoring them out of anger and hurt. None of that works, of course. But you would think we would notice that it doesn't work. Instead we just keep doing it hoping it will work "this time" probably because we don't know what else to do.

There are people who are out-of-control who are not addicts. It's so hard to decide when to try to help. But if those people have no control over their destructive behavior, how will they ever get better if no one intervenes? Usually out of control people are not only self-destructive but harmful to other people as well. Everyone is suffering. Maybe we should all learn how to "intervene" in a loving way.

Immature Ego Demands

"Becoming firmly grounded in the position of refusing to live in a state of emotional devastation and suffering because others do not conform to your wishes will require total, unwavering commitment, without interruption or intervals, over a long period of time, because immature ego demands cannot be eliminated overnight." Psychology of Mystical Awakening. Patanjalie Yoga Sutras.

I love this. I knew about this a long time ago but had no idea how to refuse. I was trying to make it too hard. The trick is simple. I learned to monitor my thinking - just noticing off and on all day long what I was thinking.

I discovered that I worried about what might happen, I obsessed about what had happened. I tried to figure out how to get control of whatever in order to protect myself. Those thoughts were making me miserable.

I practiced turning my thoughts to God, God's will, God's love. That helped a lot. I got better and better at it. Then I noticed that I had a lot of vicious self-judgment, and I practiced doing daily inventories of my behavior and making amends when I had made mistakes.

Eventually, my mind got fairly quiet except when I reacted in an extreme emotional way to something. Now I'm practicing noticing what I'm thinking and doing BEFORE I react emotionally to something.

What has been consistent is my absolute refusal to suffer anymore because of my previous beliefs that everything around me had to conform to my wishes before I could be happy. I'm too old - too little life left - to spend any time being miserable.

Serenity Experiment Update

"Bullying myself into recovery won't work. Loving myself into it will." -HOPE FOR TODAY

I think this quote says it for me. My experiment in self-discipline as a way to serenity did not work out because the way I do self-discipline is a lot like bullying. Making choices based on love for myself and other people is the way to go for sure. For example, having the discipline to get up every day at 5:00 a.m. just because it's the right thing to do is what I had in mind. The only problem is that my body apparently is still recovering from being hit by a car and multiple surgeries, etc.

Making a decision about when to get up based on love - I want to be up in time to have a whole day while at the same time honoring my body's need for rest. So, I will do all I can to get to sleep at an early hour by listening to a restful sleep CD, not having the tv on in my room, having a bubble bath before bed, giving myself a foot rub, etc. I will set the alarm for about 30 minutes earlier than I generally wake up, adjust to that time, then set it back 30 minutes more, etc. If I've had a very active day and feel extremely tired, I won't set the alarm at all and just sleep as much as my body needs.

Sure enough I have had the "discipline" to do most of the things that work for me and as a result I'm usually up by 8:00 a.m. Sometimes I wake up earlier than that if I've slept well. I have more to do on getting myself to sleep early, and I'm not using "bullying" to get myself to do it. I'll bet this love thing would work on some other areas where I need more "discipline."

Unacceptable behavior

I have heard a lot about unacceptable behavior from people (including myself) who are griping about someone else's behavior. I've always wondered what the definition of "unacceptable behavior" is. For a long time I thought it was anything someone was doing that I didn't like. From listening to other people, I think a lot of the time that's what they mean too. That can't be right, though. There are a lot of things people do that I don't like. The trouble is, they probably think they're doing the right thing. Hmmm. For right now, I've decided unacceptable behavior is behavior that injures me in some way. Even that is a little fuzzy, though. Maybe I've misinterpreted something someone said and got my feelings hurt. Am I injured? Probably not.

So I'm thinking that if I'm physically injured, lost a lot (for me) of money, lost my reputation because of something someone said about me that's not true, etc. - that would be unacceptable. So then what? I'm still going to have to look at myself. It may be that I trusted someone I knew better than to trust. Maybe I've allowed the behavior because I'm afraid of losing the relationship. There could be a lot of ways I had a part in it. Maybe if I stop my part, I won't be harmed. Sometimes I just need to stay away from the person. In any case, consulting another knowledgeable person before I do anything, is absolutely necessary.

For sure, for stuff that's just annoying but not harmful, every bit of effort I've put into being at peace with annoying stuff has paid off big time. It's pretty simple. I just bless the person in my mind and think about something else. With practice, I get better and better at this!

Forgiveness or Trust

I've heard a lot of confusion about what it means to forgive someone. I used to be confused myself and felt really guilty about being so unforgiving. I could really carry a grudge. I built a lot of muscles that way. Over time, in recovery, reading books, talking to people, etc., I came to the realization that forgiveness doesn't mean saying, "Oh well, it's all right." It means that I've stopped plotting revenge, telling other people over and over what the person did to me, and stopped re-thinking it all the time. It doesn't mean I have to let the person have the opportunity to do whatever it was to me again.

If the person is close to me, it would make sense to work something out with him/her, so that we are on good terms again. That's going to require trust which is way, way different than forgiveness. For me to trust again, the person is going to need to apologize, show me that he/she is aware of the harm he/she did, and tell me what he/she is going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I'm okay with realizing that I'm probably going to love quite a few people who aren't that trustworthy. Love and trust are not the same things either. I can be close and loving with someone who doesn't keep their word, is oblivious to what they do that is painful to me, etc. I just stop trusting in areas where the person isn't trustworthy. Of course, if the person is really dangerous, I will have to put distance between us, but if it's something like the person is critical,
I will just walk away from the criticism. If they don't do what he/she says he/she will do, I just won't count on it.

Living and loving in peace with people doesn't turn out to be that hard. I still want to open my mouth and bawl people out, but for the most part I restrain myself. Truly it isn't about me.

New Food Plan

Since I am the most un-self-disciplined person in the world, I welcomed the news that there was a new way of managing food that did not require dieting where you ate only what you actually wanted to eat. Geneen Roth is the author of several books on this topic. I read her last book which was a best seller (Oprah again!) but although it explained the background for this way of eating, it didn't have instructions - or at least the instructions were sketchy. So I bought one of her earlier books which had more instructions.

Turns out it's a little bit more complicated than I had hoped. Yes, you only eat what you want, but only when you're hungry. So you have to learn how it feels to be hungry and stop eating on a schedule. You have to eat slowly so you'll know when you're full so you can stop eating. This is all based on the premise that your body has not forgotten what you knew as a very young child - what your foods your body needs and when it needs them. But your mind is getting in the way by giving you cravings for foods that you think will satisfy emotional needs while simultaneously telling you that you are an evil, bad person if you eat them. No wonder almost all of us are over weight!

The whole process consists of becoming aware of hunger, cravings, which is our minds and which is our bodies. A lot of work. The author says that she and the other people who practice this gain weight at first as they eat only what they want - which usually begins with something like chocolate chip cookies. Then as they learn, they realize they mostly wanted the chocolate chip cookies because they had forbidden themselves to have them. Once they let themselves have them, they really stopped craving them. Eventually they lose weight and stay at a normal weight.

Then comes the process of eating only what you want. What if you're at a restaurant and when your food comes, and you don't want it? She says - pack it up to take home and order what you do want. What if you wake up in the middle of the night really wanting an ice cream cone bad? She says if you're really sure you're hungry and not just mentally wanting it, get up and go get yourself one. If you try to eat something else, it won't satisfy you.

I love and hate this thing at the same time. It sounds like a lot more introspective work than I want to do. Time consuming. Perhaps confusingly uncertain. I love it because the idea of only eating what my body wants is such a great idea. I already have experienced the feeling of eating what my body wants and it really is a great feeling. I'm trying it now. I do hope I don't gain.

365 Project

A great big amazing cloud coming into Tulsa from Dallas after the big birthday bash. I saw another pic of this on Facebook - someone else thought it was gorgeous too.

Oklahoma sky on the way home from Dallas (just coming into Tulsa)

Wish I could remember what Sofi (Aaron's girlfriend) is holding, but I don't. Something to do with the birthdays we were celebrating, I'm sure.

Adam left the party for a minute and Thein is keeping Adam's pipe going. Sofi is making a face about something.

Bec is astonishing Thein at the birthday bash.

Bec looking beautiful at the birthday bash. (taking a break from texting)

The birthday swimming party - Adam and Thein

Co-cooks, Adam and Thein, making the fancy salad for birthday dinner.

Thein is making something yummy for the birthday bash.

Fred is making pancakes for everyone on the big birthday weekend. (Adam and I on the 11th and Aaron on the 12th.)

Oklahoma sky after Tuesday night meeting.

Never saw anything like this before - it's a car seat for a small dog - there's a seat belt there some place.

Here's Julie, Bridget's program coordinator, at the training for people who work with people with hearing and vision loss. She's trying to figure out what her partner is trying to communicate without formal language.

Here we are doing a blindfold exercise at the training for people who work with individuals with vision and hearing loss. Everyone is trying to communicate without talking or using formal sign language. It is very hard.

Non-Violent Communication

A friend mentioned a couple of books when a group of us were just standing around in a parking lot after a meeting. I was fascinated with the titles and immediately asked the library for them. So, after having read them, I'm going to have to buy one of them for my library. I was a little irritable at first when I started reading - I saw that the author had cobbled several ways of communicating into one and called it non-violent communication. I've seen some of it in books on assertiveness, conflict resolution, and in one particular book on negotiations ("Getting to Yes without Giving In). But as I read on I saw that he had put the methods together in a unique way.

Here's what I got out of the two books - and, of course, I know it isn't really possible to summarize two books in a few sentences, but, for me, summarizing books this way is how I internalize what I've learned and, I hope, use it. When my summary isn't enough, I can go back to the book.

Summary: What most of us do is argue with each other to try to solve problems. We point out how we're right and the other person is wrong. In fact, not just individuals do this, political parties, organizations, businesses, nations, do this. It doesn't work and it never has and it never will. People, organizations and nations do what they do to try to get their needs met. All of our behavior and communication has the purpose of getting needs met. The only thing that could possibly work is for us to identify our own needs and other's needs and find better ways to get both sets of needs met in better ways than fighting and arguing about who's right and who's wrong.

We will have to begin by becoming aware of our feelings and the needs we are trying to meet. Instead of judging ourselves, we will need to be compassionate with ourselves, and then, of course, be compassionate with others and try to understand their feelings and needs. We will need to open ourselves up to do this even when the "other" is yelling and calling us names. None of this will be easy and it will be a lifetime job. But what are we going to do instead? Keep doing what we've been doing and get what we've been getting?

At 69 it's a little late to start practicing this. But whatever. I've got nothing else important to do. I'm thinking of all the conflicts I've had with people in my life and how completely clueless I was as to what my needs were, let alone what theirs were. In recovery I've been taught a lot about caring about other's needs and understanding other's points of view, so I've actually done some of this in some ways. A lot more needs to be done.

The books: "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life." "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict." Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Here's my plan: I will work on noticing when I feel "out of sorts" with someone instead of just trying to ignore my feelings. I will identify what I'm feeling and what needs of mine are not being met. Instead of being a doormat or a witch, I will try to just politely ask for what I want without making the other person feel criticized. (This one is the tough one). I will try to guess what they're feeling and what they need and ask them if I'm right. I hope this will start a conversation that will end in both of us getting our needs met and I hope bring us closer.

Duty

(My internet connection has been out for several days, and I was too busy to call Cox and go through all the effort to figure out the problem. Today I got around to it and it seems my wonderful cat companion has been exploring among the wires and cords and loosened something up. So now I'm playing catch up.)

I think most of us have a "code of honor" that tells us what our duties are. I've tried not to have one plenty of times but it just doesn't go away. I'm not sure where it comes from and for a long time I thought it interfered with self-care. But that's the last thing it does! Paying my bills on time, filing my taxes - all of those "duties" prevent bad things from happening to me. Other kinds of duties -like responsibilities for other people - like the many advocacy chores I do for my son and daughter with disabilities - are sometimes very difficult, energy-draining, and time consuming. But when I've done them I feel more like my true self, the person I really want to be. Taking care of these duties is essential for my spiritual growth and self respect.

"I don't want to do this, but I feel it's important to do because..." "Even when we don't want to be doing what we must, we may find ourselves almost enjoying ourselves..." Ignoring our duties piles up guilt and anxiety. Fulfilling true duties energizes us. It feels good in the end."

- Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.

Serenity Experiment Update

Here's one thing I know for sure: the longer I work on something the more it evolves into something else entirely. Let's see if I can explain a little about the evolution of the serenity experiment. I thought what I needed was self-discipline, and that has gotten better as I worked on it. However, as I worked on self-discipline the tireder (is that a word?), I got. So, on some good advice, I just tried to arrange my day according to what my heart told me to do. I'm a lot happier and have more energy and am getting more done. Now, I can't kid myself - I'm still not organized, but what the hell. It turns out that my heart is a lot smarter than my mind. It's a good idea to do what will cause negative consequences if it's not done. My mind tells me that too but for some reason, caring about myself and therefore avoiding negative consequences is a lot more motivating than what my mind tells me. Hmmm. I may be on to something here. It surely may not be a motivator for everybody but it is working extremely well for me.

365 Project

Friend Paul with Jerry Provencal at Starbucks. Jerry was one of the court overseers during the time people were moving from Hissom. He did a fabulous job. He was back in town to see if he could help with convincing the legislators that community services were better than institutional services. It was good to see him again.

Table of food after all the beautiful ladies had finished with it. Not very much left. Looks like a bunch of hungry puppies had been at it.

Lovely ladies at the dinner party. Open hearts, lots of love.

Night at the ballet! Wonderful, spectacular choreography and dancers. Lifted my heart!

Grief

Every few days it seems to me, I hear someone talk about someone else's grief - usually in a way that assumes the grieving person isn't doing it right. I've experienced a lot of bad advice myself from people who don't really know what they're talking about. The best advice I ever got was "Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve." Everyone is different. Everyone's relationships are different. I love this quote from Melody Beattie who wrote it before she lost her son when ittook her 12 years to be able to be fully functional again:

"There's no way to prepare for deep grief, for the pain that shatters a heart and a life when a loved one leaves.
No one can coach us on it. Those who could, who knew exactly how it felt, who could describe it in detail, wouldn't do it, would not presume to encroach on this most intimate part of our relationship with a loved one. Those who casually say, "Aren't you over that yet?" don't understand.
This much I will tell you about grief: If there was ever a second, or a moment, when you suspected or knew you had been betrayed at the deepest level by someone you adored, and a splintering pain began to shred your heart, turn your world grimly unbearable to the point where you would consciously choose denial and ignorance about the betrayal rather than feel this way, that is one-millionth of what it feels like to grieve.
Grief is not an abnormal condition, nor is it something to be treated with words. It is a universe, a world, unto itself. If you are called to enter this world, there is no turning back. We are not allowed to refuse that call. Grief is like nothing else, with the possible exception of the pounding waves of the ocean. To the untrained, casual eye, each wave looks the same. It is not. No two are the same. And each one washes away the old, and washes in the new.
Gradually, almost imperceptibly, whether we believe it or not, we are being transformed. "

- The Language of Letting Go.

Dreams

My friend, Kristi, told me about a dream she had. She dreamed she was at a party and she was having a great time. At one point she looked up and thought she saw Jesus sitting on a window sill just watching everybody be happy. So, she went over to see and sure enough it was Jesus. So, she hopped up on the window sill and sat beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her and they just sat there contentedly for a long time. Suddenly, he took his arm away, leaned to one side and farted. In the dream she and he both just cracked up laughing and that was the end of the dream. She said the dream meant to her that Jesus was right here with her on the earth, earthy and down to earth. I like the idea that my higher power is right here and earthy enough to understand bodily functions.

"Surrendering means doing nothing about whatever you can't do anything about. Try not to stare at it either. Do something else, something you can do." - Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.

We already have it...

"Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't, didn't already have." - Dewey Bunnell

I always say that books were what raised me. My parents taught me to read at a very early age and since I was an only child of much older parents, I entertained myself with constant reading. Although all that reading had an addictive quality, I also learned so very much. The Oz books by Frank Baum were amazing. I began reading them when I was 7 and read them over and over. The above quote is from a wonderful song the title of which I can't remember that refers to the Wizard of Oz book. The whole point of the book was that the Tin Man already had a heart, the Cowardly lion was already courageous and the scarecrow - he was already whatever he thought he wasn't. And I think Baum was making the point that we really already have the qualities we think we're missing. Our job is to find our real selves. Sometimes - often, really - we need help from other people to find our real selves.

My dear Joanie, whom I call my spiritual mother, told me from the beginning of our relationship that who I truly was was a beautiful, lovable, child of God, but I wouldn't believe it until I had worked all 12 of the Steps a few times. It turns out she was absolutely right. I see my faults a lot less painfully and I don't expect perfection from myself anymore. It also turns out that we can be beautiful, loveable children of God even when we make mistakes and have faults.

Wow! What a concept!

365 Project

The tree decorated with orange and red flowers. (Table decoration at the wedding)

Liz and Fred at the wedding of Liz's friend's daughter.

Table decorations at the wedding of the daughter of one of Liz's school friends. It seems orange and pink and black are the new color combinations. I did like it a lot.