"Resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim." - Courage to Change.
This quote is so big. I would like to embroider it and hang it on a wall. I rarely have resentments anymore. The program has relieved me of this defense mechanism for the most part, but occasionally I get one, and when I do it's big and I carry that grudge like a badge of honor. Sometimes those resentments get so old, I forget I have them - it just feels like I'm carrying a heavy load of some kind. The quote above is followed with something about feeling as if the resentment is somehow a protection against being hurt again. I doesn't actually work that way. Staying mad just hurts me. But, and that's a big but, it's necessary for me to think through what I need to do to take care of myself instead of getting a resentment. Usually it's necessary for me to have help from a person who's not involved in order to complete that task. I'm usually too disturbed to think straight.
Here's an example: What usually happens with resentments (for me), is that I feel powerless and as if the person has the power to hurt me. A good example is a boss that accuses me of things I didn't do and doesn't believe me when I explain. About all I can think of in that kind of situation is to quit my job or act like a door mat. If quitting my job is not an option because I'm supporting someone I love, I surely feel trapped.
The antidote is really simple - I can take some time before I reply and then write out what I want to say. It's best to run it by someone else before I communicate. I can give the facts and any back up proof I have and then let it go. It's a good idea to keep a paper trail of some kind in case it's needed later. If I know for sure my side of the street is clean, that's about all I can do to take care of myself. Perhaps it would be wise to start updating my resume and begin exploring options for another job just in case. But if I love the work I'm doing and the pay is excellent, staying put and not getting a resentment is the best course for my well-being. I've done my part and I'm not a victim so there's no need for me to get a resentment.
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