Twice I've been able to go see my dear friend in Montana since he moved there. Each time it's been a joy to catch up with him and know that he's enjoying himself there. That's why I go. The perk, however, is getting to enjoy the incredible landscapes. On this trip the faces of the rolling hills were covered with flowers - I think it was Golden Rod - and the air smelled like smoky, flowery incense. The inhabitants of this lovely place didn't seem to realize the scent - I asked what the lovely smell was and they looked at me strangely and didn't answer.
The Northern Cheyenne Tribe was having a four day Pow Wow on the July 4th weekend. (The federal government transferred the Cheyenne tribe to Oklahoma where the Southern Cheyenne tribe still is. Part of the tribe escaped and went back north - thus the Northern Cheyenne.) There were tee pees everywhere. I'm guessing there were several thousand people camped on the Pow Wow grounds. I've been to Pow Wows in Oklahoma and this one was similar except it was outside. Since it is much, much cooler in Montana than here, the outside venue was pretty much perfect except that campers probably needed lots of blankets at night since 58 degrees was the usual temperature. I did not take picture. My feeling was that I was a guest there - one of the only white people - and guests don't take pictures to take home and exhibit the natives.
As soon as I download my camera, I'll post the very few pictures I did take.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Fear of Being Taken Advantage of
One of the many times I've been in counseling, the counselor said my greatest problem was that I was "gullible." In other words I hadn't learned to take care of my best interests around other people - that I just trusted everybody whether they were trustworthy or not. That, of course, led to constant resentment. I was just chronically bursting with - first, anger; then rage. After I got into recovery, my sponsor taught me how to handle myself around other people.
First of all, she said, my source of love, safety, and really everything, was my Higher Power. I could safely let go of all that fear of being taken advantage of because I was going to learn how to take care of myself. For one thing, I needed to let go of all my expectations of others and how they needed to treat me and become dependent on my Higher Power instead of other people. My HP would send the right people to me when I needed them. This would mean that I was an independent person in the world - I was in the care of a perfect being who would not let me down. Then she taught me that I could treat people the way I wanted to be treated which in turn teaches people how to treat me. People who did not treat me well could simply be avoided rather than my becoming outraged about it. My "rules" about how other people were supposed to treat me could be dumped in the trash because everyone has their own rules and weren't likely to follow mine.
For the most part I've been able to live in peace with other people. It's hard sometimes and I need a lot of reminders and support from other recovering people, but I am very grateful.
First of all, she said, my source of love, safety, and really everything, was my Higher Power. I could safely let go of all that fear of being taken advantage of because I was going to learn how to take care of myself. For one thing, I needed to let go of all my expectations of others and how they needed to treat me and become dependent on my Higher Power instead of other people. My HP would send the right people to me when I needed them. This would mean that I was an independent person in the world - I was in the care of a perfect being who would not let me down. Then she taught me that I could treat people the way I wanted to be treated which in turn teaches people how to treat me. People who did not treat me well could simply be avoided rather than my becoming outraged about it. My "rules" about how other people were supposed to treat me could be dumped in the trash because everyone has their own rules and weren't likely to follow mine.
For the most part I've been able to live in peace with other people. It's hard sometimes and I need a lot of reminders and support from other recovering people, but I am very grateful.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Integrity Fund
My youngest adopted daughter and my foster son have been living in small group homes in the community for 20 years now (since they left Hissom behind). The good news is that they have so much better lives now than I ever could have imagined. My son has a part time job at a re-cycling center and last month he made enough money to cover all his living expenses. He takes piano lessons, bowls on a team and swims. He has autism and severe mental retardation and when he first came to live with our family at almost two years, he was so incredibly messed up that I would not have dared to even think about what his life would be like at almost 40. What a blessing. My daughter, too, has a much better life. But there have been a lot of scary problems. Her mother had Rubella when she was pregnant and as a result my daughter has all the possible disabilities from that - she's legally blind, totally deaf, has cerebral palsy and a bad seizure disorder. No doubt she has mental retardation too but she's impossible to test. The problems she's had mostly stem from the difficulty of finding staff to work with her that are willing to carry out the activities she needs to stay well and happy.
After 20 years of frustration, I finally woke up to the realization that the people who work with her are not really paid a living wage. Most of them just make minimum wage and many are single mothers. Their lives are really difficult. My daughter's life is much better than theirs - she has a reasonably nice house, nice furniture, good food, pretty clothes, and enjoyable activities. Her medical care is good. They don't have any of these things and yet I expect them to work hard and do everything for her. So (and I think this is a God deal), I have realized I need to care as much about the well-being of the staff as I do about hers and be as strong an advocate for them as I am for her.
I wish I could say that I've had many wonderful ideas about how to put this realization into action but I haven't. Right now all I've thought up is fund raising to supplement the small amount they are paid. So I'm throwing myself a 70th birthday party and since I already have everything I need in life - I'm asking people to contribute to an "Integrity Fund" which I will distribute to her staff on a monthly basis. I also plan to have other fundraisers throughout the year.
Of course, if my memoir is a best seller I will be rich and will be able to double their salaries!!
After 20 years of frustration, I finally woke up to the realization that the people who work with her are not really paid a living wage. Most of them just make minimum wage and many are single mothers. Their lives are really difficult. My daughter's life is much better than theirs - she has a reasonably nice house, nice furniture, good food, pretty clothes, and enjoyable activities. Her medical care is good. They don't have any of these things and yet I expect them to work hard and do everything for her. So (and I think this is a God deal), I have realized I need to care as much about the well-being of the staff as I do about hers and be as strong an advocate for them as I am for her.
I wish I could say that I've had many wonderful ideas about how to put this realization into action but I haven't. Right now all I've thought up is fund raising to supplement the small amount they are paid. So I'm throwing myself a 70th birthday party and since I already have everything I need in life - I'm asking people to contribute to an "Integrity Fund" which I will distribute to her staff on a monthly basis. I also plan to have other fundraisers throughout the year.
Of course, if my memoir is a best seller I will be rich and will be able to double their salaries!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Happy Birthdays to Me!
I've just passed my 70th birthday and my 28th sobriety birthday! I owe thanks to many, many, many people and God for these celebrations. Looking back at what I used to be like, there's no way I would have made it this far on my own. I'm celebrating "decrepitude" because it's a stage of life I never imagined attaining. The people who shared their wisdom with me in recovery programs, my loving family, the professional counselors that helped me understand the sources of my misery and dump it, the doctors that repaired my body after the wreck, the physical therapists who restored my physical strength, the practitioners who assisted me in repairing my nervous system, the writers who have inspired me, other parents of kids with disabilities, personal friends and professional colleagues, and many others that I can't think of at the moment, all have made "decrepitude" possible and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Of course, the God of my understanding who held me in His hands and guided me (when I was paying attention) - I am so grateful.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Storms
Yesterday I spent the day in Joplin because I had gathered some items and cash to help the folks affected by the storm. One of my classmates is a member of a church that has set up a "distribution center" where people can come and get replacements for some of the things they might need that were lost in the storm. So that's where I took everything. They were organized and even more organized than that. They had an intake area where people dropped off the things they had brought. The church's website had lists of what was needed. The intake area volunteers put each item in the area where it belonged. Periodically rented trucks came and took items to the distribution area where people could come to get what they needed.
Each family that came was assigned a "personal shopper" who got the family a shopping cart(s) and took them to the tents that comprised the distribution area. Each tent had a category of items with volunteers to help. My classmate and I volunteered in the pet area which had dog, cat and bird food, collars and leashes, cat litter, etc. Other tents had all kinds of non-perishable food, cleaning products, personal care items, over the counter medication, etc.
On the way to the church we drove through part of the area that was hit by the storm. It's hard to believe that something as unsubstantial as wind could create that kind of destruction. It's odd but as I've lived my life, I've become less and less emotional about disaster. I know quite a bit about what the people have been experiencing, but I'm somehow not very sad about it. I've learned that there's no way to escape heartbreak and if you work at it and are lucky, you will be happier and more at peace on the other side of it. That's what I wish for all of the people affected by the storm.
Each family that came was assigned a "personal shopper" who got the family a shopping cart(s) and took them to the tents that comprised the distribution area. Each tent had a category of items with volunteers to help. My classmate and I volunteered in the pet area which had dog, cat and bird food, collars and leashes, cat litter, etc. Other tents had all kinds of non-perishable food, cleaning products, personal care items, over the counter medication, etc.
On the way to the church we drove through part of the area that was hit by the storm. It's hard to believe that something as unsubstantial as wind could create that kind of destruction. It's odd but as I've lived my life, I've become less and less emotional about disaster. I know quite a bit about what the people have been experiencing, but I'm somehow not very sad about it. I've learned that there's no way to escape heartbreak and if you work at it and are lucky, you will be happier and more at peace on the other side of it. That's what I wish for all of the people affected by the storm.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Serenity Project
"The trouble is STAYING clean, taming the pit bull that's been chewing on your innards your entire life, the one you've been bribing to stay out of your consciousness." Peter Coyote.
It's no use trying to be serene with inner conflicts lurking at the edge of consciousness determined to be dealt with. Anyone who thinks recovery from the disease of addiction is about not using alcohol and drugs is way off the beam. It's almost impossible to stay off them without serenity, and it's totally impossible to have serenity without self-awareness, self-examination and self-acceptance. That's really why I spend so much time and effort on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, meetings, helping others, accepting help myself, etc. Serenity and peace have never come from improving my environment, getting a better job, making the people around me into what I wanted them to be. They've only come when I've done the work on myself.
It's no use trying to be serene with inner conflicts lurking at the edge of consciousness determined to be dealt with. Anyone who thinks recovery from the disease of addiction is about not using alcohol and drugs is way off the beam. It's almost impossible to stay off them without serenity, and it's totally impossible to have serenity without self-awareness, self-examination and self-acceptance. That's really why I spend so much time and effort on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, meetings, helping others, accepting help myself, etc. Serenity and peace have never come from improving my environment, getting a better job, making the people around me into what I wanted them to be. They've only come when I've done the work on myself.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Excitement at Walmart
Here's the story as best I understand it. Some poor crazy guy with several guns kidnapped a guy in the little town called Prue and ended up with him at my Walmart market just a few blocks from my house. He went into the Walmart, shot off a gun a few times, went into the parking lot and tried to hijack a car. The occupant who was a Tulsa University student would not get out of the car so the guy just shot him in the head and moved on to a pickup with several people in it. They all got out and the guy and his hostage drove off in the pickup. By this time the whole area was covered with cops. The guy crashed the pickup in the parking lot of a business across the street and started shooting at the cops. Somehow the guy died in the shootout. At this point no one is sure whether he shot himself or the cops shot him. The hostage is okay.
My thoughts were that we human beings have not figured out how to do life. We'll never know now what was going on with the guy. Besides I could have been at the Walmart but had decided to do that errand last on my list. Once again it wasn't my time.
My thoughts were that we human beings have not figured out how to do life. We'll never know now what was going on with the guy. Besides I could have been at the Walmart but had decided to do that errand last on my list. Once again it wasn't my time.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Thoughts
Serenity Project
Day 5: Much of what I'm studying these days has to do with how we human beings think. Nothing I've read yet even gives me a theory as to why and how we first started thinking negatively but research shows human beings have a bias toward negativity. The Four Agreements and subsequent books focus on the action to be taken rather than the why and how of it. Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote the Four Agreements says we have a "parasite" in our minds that lives off the negative energy created from negative thinking. The "parasite" is composed of a judge and a victim. The judge constantly tells us we are not good enough and the victim takes it on the chin. Don Miguel says that we're the only species that constantly attack ourselves about our mistakes - not just once but over and over for life. We also attack each other for our mistakes - over and over and over.
Byron Katie also focuses on negative thinking as the source of all suffering. Most of our thinking is negative - either we're worrying about the future or judging the past. And most of our negative thoughts aren't even true. We think they are when we're thinking them, but if we examine them, we see that they are false. Katie's method of fighting back is to question the truth of the thought and then find truth in an opposite thought. For example, if I'm thinking that a friend should not be late, I would ask myself if that's true. Actually, I'm not God so I can't really say what someone else should be doing. I'm not the author of the rules for every human on the earth. Plus keeping my mind on how wrong my friend is keeps me from finding a solution. Of course, I can ask him/her to be on time. But if he/she is still late, then what? Finding something I can do to fill the time while I wait might be one solution. Another might be telling him/her that I will meet him/her at a time earlier than I intend to be there. (This one is tricky, though. It's pretty manipulative and people don't like that. Plus it would be my luck that he/she would show up at the time I said and I would be the one that's late.) The opposite thought might be, "He/she should be late." That could be true - since something very important may have held him/her up. Or another opposite thought might be, "I should not be late." That could be true also. By questioning the truth of my thoughts the "parasite" may get awfully tired of attacking me and give up!
The necessity is for me to keep myself aware of my thoughts. Off and on through the day I can check and see what I'm thinking. Good times for noticing are when I'm stopped at a stoplight, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting at the dentist's office - anytime when there's nothing much grabbing my attention and I can just notice my thoughts. Very soon I will notice that the same worries and judgments run through my head over and over. Boiled down to their essence, the thoughts are usually about my own or someone else's mistakes or unworthiness, and regardless of what someone told you - none of us are unworthy!
Day 5: Much of what I'm studying these days has to do with how we human beings think. Nothing I've read yet even gives me a theory as to why and how we first started thinking negatively but research shows human beings have a bias toward negativity. The Four Agreements and subsequent books focus on the action to be taken rather than the why and how of it. Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote the Four Agreements says we have a "parasite" in our minds that lives off the negative energy created from negative thinking. The "parasite" is composed of a judge and a victim. The judge constantly tells us we are not good enough and the victim takes it on the chin. Don Miguel says that we're the only species that constantly attack ourselves about our mistakes - not just once but over and over for life. We also attack each other for our mistakes - over and over and over.
Byron Katie also focuses on negative thinking as the source of all suffering. Most of our thinking is negative - either we're worrying about the future or judging the past. And most of our negative thoughts aren't even true. We think they are when we're thinking them, but if we examine them, we see that they are false. Katie's method of fighting back is to question the truth of the thought and then find truth in an opposite thought. For example, if I'm thinking that a friend should not be late, I would ask myself if that's true. Actually, I'm not God so I can't really say what someone else should be doing. I'm not the author of the rules for every human on the earth. Plus keeping my mind on how wrong my friend is keeps me from finding a solution. Of course, I can ask him/her to be on time. But if he/she is still late, then what? Finding something I can do to fill the time while I wait might be one solution. Another might be telling him/her that I will meet him/her at a time earlier than I intend to be there. (This one is tricky, though. It's pretty manipulative and people don't like that. Plus it would be my luck that he/she would show up at the time I said and I would be the one that's late.) The opposite thought might be, "He/she should be late." That could be true - since something very important may have held him/her up. Or another opposite thought might be, "I should not be late." That could be true also. By questioning the truth of my thoughts the "parasite" may get awfully tired of attacking me and give up!
The necessity is for me to keep myself aware of my thoughts. Off and on through the day I can check and see what I'm thinking. Good times for noticing are when I'm stopped at a stoplight, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting at the dentist's office - anytime when there's nothing much grabbing my attention and I can just notice my thoughts. Very soon I will notice that the same worries and judgments run through my head over and over. Boiled down to their essence, the thoughts are usually about my own or someone else's mistakes or unworthiness, and regardless of what someone told you - none of us are unworthy!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Serenity vs Mood Swings
Day 4: In my morning reading there was a page about how our moods can change based on what's going on around us. However, being so vulnerable to outside events sets me up to be a victim of things I have no power to change. What I can do that I've learned over the years, is quiet myself by "getting out of my head and back into my body." I do that by just noticing my breathing, how my body feels, how my feet feel on the floor/ground and by noticing what I'm thinking (and changing it to something positive). Listening to the sounds in my environment and looking around at where I am help too. Sometimes I can't quiet myself because my environment is so chaotic and charged with other people's upset, so I have to physically leave that space to quiet myself.
Practicing this has taught me that I am actually reacting to my own thoughts rather than what's going on around me. That was weird! No matter what's going on, it's my negative thinking that causes my upset. What I can do to get out of that victim place is to think about how I could inject something positive into the situation and do that. Even if it has no effect, just thinking about something positive and taking action on it, returns me to a positive place.
Practicing this has taught me that I am actually reacting to my own thoughts rather than what's going on around me. That was weird! No matter what's going on, it's my negative thinking that causes my upset. What I can do to get out of that victim place is to think about how I could inject something positive into the situation and do that. Even if it has no effect, just thinking about something positive and taking action on it, returns me to a positive place.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I am powerless but not helpless
Serenity Project
Day 2 & 3: I read the above statement in one of my morning readings today. I love it because it sums up for me the truth about my responsibility for myself. I came into recovery believing my problems were caused by other people and certainly other people were involved. But the real problem was that I was never looking for the part I played in the problem. In the last couple of days I've been practicing looking at even tiny little problems with the clear eyes of a person who is powerless but not helpless.
I am powerless over other people, tornadoes, what my body wants to do about sleep, etc. But I am not helpless - I do have the responsibility to respond rather than react to what happens around me. I'm also responsible for taking care of my thoughts so that they don't run to the negative. I've learned that believing what I think about ANYTHING is hazardous! Usually my ego is running things in my head and my ego never wants to take responsibility for anything so tells me that someone or something else needs to shape up.
This weekend I had a conversation with a friend about a problem she was having in a relationship and was reminded of this concept again. She was feeling helpless about the effect the other person was having on her. She truly didn't believe there was any solution to the problem unless the other person changed. She had come to me for help, so I shared some ideas about ways she could take care of herself in the situation. Since her mind was already made up that the only solution was for the other person to change, I didn't get anywhere. I love and care about her so in the past I would have gotten emotional and tried very hard to get her to see things my way. This time I just took care of myself by saying that I could see that she did not want to try doing anything except try to change the other person, but that I didn't know how that could be done. Then I shut up. I'm sure she wasn't happy, but at least I didn't get all upset myself. I will pray for her since God is the one that has the power and be serene myself.
Day 2 & 3: I read the above statement in one of my morning readings today. I love it because it sums up for me the truth about my responsibility for myself. I came into recovery believing my problems were caused by other people and certainly other people were involved. But the real problem was that I was never looking for the part I played in the problem. In the last couple of days I've been practicing looking at even tiny little problems with the clear eyes of a person who is powerless but not helpless.
I am powerless over other people, tornadoes, what my body wants to do about sleep, etc. But I am not helpless - I do have the responsibility to respond rather than react to what happens around me. I'm also responsible for taking care of my thoughts so that they don't run to the negative. I've learned that believing what I think about ANYTHING is hazardous! Usually my ego is running things in my head and my ego never wants to take responsibility for anything so tells me that someone or something else needs to shape up.
This weekend I had a conversation with a friend about a problem she was having in a relationship and was reminded of this concept again. She was feeling helpless about the effect the other person was having on her. She truly didn't believe there was any solution to the problem unless the other person changed. She had come to me for help, so I shared some ideas about ways she could take care of herself in the situation. Since her mind was already made up that the only solution was for the other person to change, I didn't get anywhere. I love and care about her so in the past I would have gotten emotional and tried very hard to get her to see things my way. This time I just took care of myself by saying that I could see that she did not want to try doing anything except try to change the other person, but that I didn't know how that could be done. Then I shut up. I'm sure she wasn't happy, but at least I didn't get all upset myself. I will pray for her since God is the one that has the power and be serene myself.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Freedom
In one of Pearl Buck's autobiographies she describes how she felt after she and her family ran away from China during the revolution. She had lived there all her life as the child of missionaries and then the wife of a missionary, but during the revolution all the Caucasians had to leave. She and her family ran to Japan where the kind people loaned them a place to live since all they left with were the clothes they were wearing. She said that suddenly her life was radically and enjoyably simplified.
Each morning she rolled up their sleeping pads, made breakfast over a charcoal brazier in the one pot they had, ate, washed the pot, swept the floor and then the rest of the day was hers to do with as she wanted. She wrote a whole chapter about the joyful freedom she felt while they were in Japan and before they began accumulating possessions again. It was not that she didn't feel the loss of everything they had, but that the sharp pain of that loss only lasted a short time before the lightness and freedom of simplicity set in.
This story comes to mind because I have friends in the Joplin, Missouri, area who survived the big tornado there but lost pretty much everything. I am hoping they will have the same experience of lightness and freedom of simplicity. I've experienced this myself after the fire we had in 2000 ruined pretty much everything we had. Of course at first I was traumatized and very sad. But soon I felt the freedom that the lack of possessions gave me. Nothing to dust, wash, rearrange, pick up, put away, etc. I loved it. I still have empty drawers in my house where I just didn't replace things. Somehow, however, I manage to accumulate "stuff" and when I get too much of it, I just give it away so I can keep the freedom of simplicity.
Serenity Project
I've decided to reinstate the Serenity Project I started a long time ago but didn't continue. My idea was to record my efforts to increase the serenity in my life, but I wandered away from the goal as I sometimes do. Now that I'm going to try again to do the project, I had the idea of starting a whole new blog for it, but in the interests of simplicity and serenity, I think I will just stick with adding it to my regular posts.
Day 1: The reading for today in my "Courage to Change" book was about taking responsibility for my problems instead of perceiving people, places or things outside myself as the reason for the problem and blaming and complaining. This was one of my first lessons in recovery. At that time I was extremely angry and saw myself as a powerless victim of others and of fate. My dear sponsor just gently pointed out ways I could solve those problems without having to try to make other people do something different or try to force solutions over and over that were not working.
At first I thought she was trying to tell me that all my problems were my own fault, and I just got angrier because I knew that was wrong. But she kept reassuring me that it wasn't about whose fault it was, but it was about me taking responsibility for myself and for solving my own problems. This was not a concept I had ever heard of or been taught about so I was a slow learner and I still have to be reminded. But the concept has given me immeasurable peace of mind and serenity. What ever the problem is, I can ask God (and myself), what can I do about this today? Then I can take that action - whatever it is - and forget about the problem for the day.
A couple of examples: During the past few years I've been plagued with sudden spells of exhaustion where I sleep many hours for several days. It's annoying and embarrassing and other people sometimes have been upset with me because I suddenly have to cancel plans. My best advisers have pointed out that since my body and psyche are healing from a tremendous trauma followed by the trauma of several major surgeries, that I may just need to accept my sudden need for long periods of rest. But I've resisted, trying to regulate and anticipate so that I have some control over it. It seemed to me that this problem was lasting longer than it should. Finally, I arrived at acceptance - which consists of me asking God and myself - "What can I do about this today?" The answer varies from day to day. Sometimes I try to stay up - drink some coffee, exercise or whatever - but if nothing works, I go to bed and rest - with peace of mind. For the last couple of days, I have mostly just rested - with serenity.
Another example: I am usually unhappy in some way or another about the care my disabled daughter receives from her caregivers. Right now she is in pretty good health and is fairly happy. However, much of what is supposed to be provided for her just doesn't happen. In the past, I would have spent days and days angry and griping incessantly to anyone who would listen. If I could do these things for her myself, I would do it, but I am unable. I can't say that I never get upset because I frequently do. But my upset only lasts until I remember that I'm responsible for solving my own problems. So, I ask God and myself, "What can I do about this today?" Usually there's something I can do. Most recently, her caregivers were supposed to take her for a regular medical appointment, but skipped many of them. So, I just began reminding them about the appointment on the morning of the appointment, plus going there myself from time to time. I don't think they were crazy about these reminders, however, eventually, they began taking her to her appointments on a regular basis. Serenity!
Each morning she rolled up their sleeping pads, made breakfast over a charcoal brazier in the one pot they had, ate, washed the pot, swept the floor and then the rest of the day was hers to do with as she wanted. She wrote a whole chapter about the joyful freedom she felt while they were in Japan and before they began accumulating possessions again. It was not that she didn't feel the loss of everything they had, but that the sharp pain of that loss only lasted a short time before the lightness and freedom of simplicity set in.
This story comes to mind because I have friends in the Joplin, Missouri, area who survived the big tornado there but lost pretty much everything. I am hoping they will have the same experience of lightness and freedom of simplicity. I've experienced this myself after the fire we had in 2000 ruined pretty much everything we had. Of course at first I was traumatized and very sad. But soon I felt the freedom that the lack of possessions gave me. Nothing to dust, wash, rearrange, pick up, put away, etc. I loved it. I still have empty drawers in my house where I just didn't replace things. Somehow, however, I manage to accumulate "stuff" and when I get too much of it, I just give it away so I can keep the freedom of simplicity.
Serenity Project
I've decided to reinstate the Serenity Project I started a long time ago but didn't continue. My idea was to record my efforts to increase the serenity in my life, but I wandered away from the goal as I sometimes do. Now that I'm going to try again to do the project, I had the idea of starting a whole new blog for it, but in the interests of simplicity and serenity, I think I will just stick with adding it to my regular posts.
Day 1: The reading for today in my "Courage to Change" book was about taking responsibility for my problems instead of perceiving people, places or things outside myself as the reason for the problem and blaming and complaining. This was one of my first lessons in recovery. At that time I was extremely angry and saw myself as a powerless victim of others and of fate. My dear sponsor just gently pointed out ways I could solve those problems without having to try to make other people do something different or try to force solutions over and over that were not working.
At first I thought she was trying to tell me that all my problems were my own fault, and I just got angrier because I knew that was wrong. But she kept reassuring me that it wasn't about whose fault it was, but it was about me taking responsibility for myself and for solving my own problems. This was not a concept I had ever heard of or been taught about so I was a slow learner and I still have to be reminded. But the concept has given me immeasurable peace of mind and serenity. What ever the problem is, I can ask God (and myself), what can I do about this today? Then I can take that action - whatever it is - and forget about the problem for the day.
A couple of examples: During the past few years I've been plagued with sudden spells of exhaustion where I sleep many hours for several days. It's annoying and embarrassing and other people sometimes have been upset with me because I suddenly have to cancel plans. My best advisers have pointed out that since my body and psyche are healing from a tremendous trauma followed by the trauma of several major surgeries, that I may just need to accept my sudden need for long periods of rest. But I've resisted, trying to regulate and anticipate so that I have some control over it. It seemed to me that this problem was lasting longer than it should. Finally, I arrived at acceptance - which consists of me asking God and myself - "What can I do about this today?" The answer varies from day to day. Sometimes I try to stay up - drink some coffee, exercise or whatever - but if nothing works, I go to bed and rest - with peace of mind. For the last couple of days, I have mostly just rested - with serenity.
Another example: I am usually unhappy in some way or another about the care my disabled daughter receives from her caregivers. Right now she is in pretty good health and is fairly happy. However, much of what is supposed to be provided for her just doesn't happen. In the past, I would have spent days and days angry and griping incessantly to anyone who would listen. If I could do these things for her myself, I would do it, but I am unable. I can't say that I never get upset because I frequently do. But my upset only lasts until I remember that I'm responsible for solving my own problems. So, I ask God and myself, "What can I do about this today?" Usually there's something I can do. Most recently, her caregivers were supposed to take her for a regular medical appointment, but skipped many of them. So, I just began reminding them about the appointment on the morning of the appointment, plus going there myself from time to time. I don't think they were crazy about these reminders, however, eventually, they began taking her to her appointments on a regular basis. Serenity!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Gratitude
I am amazed at the weather the world is dealing with. This time the disaster was close to home and I have friends who were in the middle of it. They and their cats are okay but their home is gone. I grew up near where the tornado hit and my mother and grandmother died in a tornado near there in 1996. I know how incredibly strange it feels to have everything you know just disappear in moments. I am grateful my friends were spared and thoughtful about all the ones who were not spared. I can't help but wonder what this all means - all the disasters. Since the world did not come to an end on Saturday as predicted, I'm guessing it's not the end of the world yet. However, I am realizing that for any of us our world could suddenly and unexpectedly stop.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Gratitude
One of my friends has been sharing her daily gratitude list with me from time to time. I am always inspired by what she puts on that list. I also do a graditude list every day as part of my daily writing. Even though my journal shows my activities, thoughts, and feelings, those gratitude lists are much more of a view of how I am each day. When I do a progress report on myself, the quickest way to do it is to look at my gratitude lists.
I saw something in one of my meditation books that reminded me that gratitude for things "not made with hands" might be more a part of what I look for and have gratitude for each day. The page in the book suggested that spending time with things "not made with hands" (made by God, the writer was saying) is an effective way to get in conscious contact with the spirit of God. I've wondered off and on why I love spending time outside. That might be it!
So I've decided to increase the amount of time I spend outside while the weather is lovely. There are so many terrific places to do it in Tulsa!
I saw something in one of my meditation books that reminded me that gratitude for things "not made with hands" might be more a part of what I look for and have gratitude for each day. The page in the book suggested that spending time with things "not made with hands" (made by God, the writer was saying) is an effective way to get in conscious contact with the spirit of God. I've wondered off and on why I love spending time outside. That might be it!
So I've decided to increase the amount of time I spend outside while the weather is lovely. There are so many terrific places to do it in Tulsa!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Everyday
Short verse of a poem by Mary Oliver (one of the best love poems I've ever seen):
So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the beautiful ideas of God
One of which was you.
So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the beautiful ideas of God
One of which was you.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Perception
I enjoyed the strange looking guy tell me in the Walmart parking lot that my leg was healed by the beautiful healing mother - one of the highlights of my day. I was telling it to a friend later that day who was horrified - OMG! He was probably mentally ill! No telling what he might of done to you! Etc.! Weird that she saw it that way when I experienced it the opposite way. Very odd. Just showed me that perception is everything. I was happy. She was upset. She would have been a lot more upset if it had happened to her.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Loving What Is
I'm still listening to an audio book by Byron Katie, but it's the second one now. I finished listening to the first one during the two hours I waited for AAA to come and change my flat tire. It was the perfect thing to be listening to while waiting because it motivated me to try to see the wait as the perfect thing to happen so that I could finish listening to the book. AAA was extremely apologetic about the wait, but I was only mildly irritated thanks to what I was listening to.
All this is making me more aware of what actually happens around me that I could be enjoying if I were paying attention. Today I went to the neighborhood Walmart which is basically a grocery store. There's a guy that works there who gathers up the shopping carts. He has dredlocks and wears some sort of clothing that appears be be Sufi or something like that. He never looks at anybody, just goes about his business. Today I smiled at him and immediately he came over to me and put his hand near my messed up right leg. I think he said - the blessed mother of healing has healed your leg and so it is. I thanked him and went in the grocery store. That was a nice way to begin the morning.
All this is making me more aware of what actually happens around me that I could be enjoying if I were paying attention. Today I went to the neighborhood Walmart which is basically a grocery store. There's a guy that works there who gathers up the shopping carts. He has dredlocks and wears some sort of clothing that appears be be Sufi or something like that. He never looks at anybody, just goes about his business. Today I smiled at him and immediately he came over to me and put his hand near my messed up right leg. I think he said - the blessed mother of healing has healed your leg and so it is. I thanked him and went in the grocery store. That was a nice way to begin the morning.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Hissom in Stages of Being Torn Down
I felt oddly calm when I expected to have some sadness.
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| View of the school area |
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| Inside what was the hospital unit where my friend's son died. |
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| The old administration building. |
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| The office building |
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| Outside the gate looking in |
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| Another gate |
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| Hissom had its own water supply |
Pics
Spring bouquets
Bec on spring break playing with Kristin's baby toys
Mary Lou and other classmates at the last gathering of the class of 59.
Kristin and I colored eggs!
Kristin found the last egg!
I was the Easter bunny this year.
Kristin in her new sweater.Sunday, May 08, 2011
What If...?
Our books study group is trying to grasp the idea that all of our unhappiness is a result of the stories we tell ourselves. Maybe everything is just the way it's supposed to be. What?!! No way! What about illness, death, people not doing what we want and doing what we don't want. Shouldn't I be unhappy about those terrible things? But suppose I'm not God and don't know what's best for me, anyone else, or the world? Could it be that God is in charge instead of me? There's a very good chance that that is a true statement. But that would mean I would have to tell myself a different story. For example, in our study group there were several mothers who had not heard a thing from their adult children on Mothers' Day. Someone brought a huge number of fresh roses for all the mothers at the clubhouse, so we all went home with Mothers' Day flowers either to add to the love we'd already received or to receive the love we wished for. Interesting.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Loneliness
I used to be very lonely despite the love and companionship of friends and family. I remember thinking how weird that was. The problem was that I hid so much of myself for fear of being judged, that I knew no one knew who I really was. I believed if they did know, they would not love me. As a result I knew I actually was alone.
My friend and spiritual mother, Joanie, heard my very first 5th step where I told all my secrets, and she didn't even flinch - in fact, she yawned a few times. Right up until her death she knew everything about me and loved me anyway. She taught me that I will always feel alone in the world as long as I pretend to be someone other than who I am. She taught me that there will always be people in my life who will try to shame me for my imperfections but I can just agree with the truth that I have imperfections and refuse the shame. From that day, I've never been lonely. There are tons of people in the world now who know everything about me and love me anyway - including me.
My friend and spiritual mother, Joanie, heard my very first 5th step where I told all my secrets, and she didn't even flinch - in fact, she yawned a few times. Right up until her death she knew everything about me and loved me anyway. She taught me that I will always feel alone in the world as long as I pretend to be someone other than who I am. She taught me that there will always be people in my life who will try to shame me for my imperfections but I can just agree with the truth that I have imperfections and refuse the shame. From that day, I've never been lonely. There are tons of people in the world now who know everything about me and love me anyway - including me.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Going Against Our Natural Desires
In yesterday's meeting I got the paragraph in the 12 & 12 that talks about how hard Step 5 is - telling our secrets to another trustworthy human being. I thought that was cool since I've been thinking about how hard that is for most everyone. We're terrified of being judged (because we're judging ourselves). But it is so freeing to find out that almost everyone has the same secrets.
"This practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered...people... Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
It's interesting that it says that all people have the need to show their true selves to somebody - not just drunks and crazy people! I wonder how much misery would be eliminated if all of us quit hiding and found out how similar we all are.
"This practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered...people... Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
It's interesting that it says that all people have the need to show their true selves to somebody - not just drunks and crazy people! I wonder how much misery would be eliminated if all of us quit hiding and found out how similar we all are.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Relationships
I think a lot about the mistakes we humans make in relationships because I talk to a lot of people who are having difficulties. As I've said before, one of the first things I learned in recovery was that if I have a conflict with someone, all I have to do to solve it, 99% of the time, is figure out what my part is and change my part. Poof! Like magic - the conflict goes away. If one of the people in the conflict stops doing what he/she has been doing, the other person can't do what they've been doing.
The first thing that was pointed out to me was that I am actually powerless to change other people. So, since I'm powerless anyway, I look pretty stupid demanding change. They said that instead of complaining about what I don't like, I should ask for what I want. Most people will just go on the defensive if you complain at them. If you ask for what you want, they can at least think about it. My first teacher in this said that you should only ask once. If you bring it up again, you're trying to control. I've never managed to shut up after asking once though. So I've given myself permission to ask again on another day, this time really emphasizing how important it is to me. Then I really should shut up. I wish I could say that I've always done this, but I can't. If I have a lot of emotion vested in getting my way, I sometimes go on for years (I hate to admit it, but it's true.)
The second thing is that there is a God and I'm not it. So I don't actually know how things are supposed to go. Maybe they're supposed to be the way the other person wants it. Of course, there are some things I'm sure about like murdering people is wrong, etc. But I'm thinking about stuff like people who are consistently late, lie, don't do what they say they'll do, etc. There are other rules too like how long dirty dishes can sit in the sink, etc. Those are the kind of things I used to get upset about and that I hear about from other people. But you know what? Those are just opinions and different people see things a different way. So since I'm not God, I'm way off my spiritual path when I start trying to get people to follow my rules.
What's even worse for me is that I often refuse to take responsibility for myself by blaming other people for my problems. If I know that a person I'm in conflict with does not want to do things my way, I'm not taking care of myself by constantly getting upset about it. Odds are I could solve my problem by accepting that the person is just playing by their rules and doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I used to be late at all times - not on purpose - I just couldn't gauge time. I'm still late sometimes in spite of my best efforts. The only way I can do better is to plan to be 30 minutes early. However, it kind of ticks me off when other people are late. Some people are always late (like I used to be). If I know that in advance, why be annoyed when it happens again? If I take responsibility for myself, I can expect them to be late and do what I need to do to take care of myself. I carry a book with me and read while I wait. I used to take work projects and finish them up. If they're more than 15 minutes late to a meal in a restaurant, I order an appetizer, etc. Guess what? I'm not even irked when they show up.
Life is a lot more peaceful when I change the person I actually have the power to change - me.
The first thing that was pointed out to me was that I am actually powerless to change other people. So, since I'm powerless anyway, I look pretty stupid demanding change. They said that instead of complaining about what I don't like, I should ask for what I want. Most people will just go on the defensive if you complain at them. If you ask for what you want, they can at least think about it. My first teacher in this said that you should only ask once. If you bring it up again, you're trying to control. I've never managed to shut up after asking once though. So I've given myself permission to ask again on another day, this time really emphasizing how important it is to me. Then I really should shut up. I wish I could say that I've always done this, but I can't. If I have a lot of emotion vested in getting my way, I sometimes go on for years (I hate to admit it, but it's true.)
The second thing is that there is a God and I'm not it. So I don't actually know how things are supposed to go. Maybe they're supposed to be the way the other person wants it. Of course, there are some things I'm sure about like murdering people is wrong, etc. But I'm thinking about stuff like people who are consistently late, lie, don't do what they say they'll do, etc. There are other rules too like how long dirty dishes can sit in the sink, etc. Those are the kind of things I used to get upset about and that I hear about from other people. But you know what? Those are just opinions and different people see things a different way. So since I'm not God, I'm way off my spiritual path when I start trying to get people to follow my rules.
What's even worse for me is that I often refuse to take responsibility for myself by blaming other people for my problems. If I know that a person I'm in conflict with does not want to do things my way, I'm not taking care of myself by constantly getting upset about it. Odds are I could solve my problem by accepting that the person is just playing by their rules and doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I used to be late at all times - not on purpose - I just couldn't gauge time. I'm still late sometimes in spite of my best efforts. The only way I can do better is to plan to be 30 minutes early. However, it kind of ticks me off when other people are late. Some people are always late (like I used to be). If I know that in advance, why be annoyed when it happens again? If I take responsibility for myself, I can expect them to be late and do what I need to do to take care of myself. I carry a book with me and read while I wait. I used to take work projects and finish them up. If they're more than 15 minutes late to a meal in a restaurant, I order an appetizer, etc. Guess what? I'm not even irked when they show up.
Life is a lot more peaceful when I change the person I actually have the power to change - me.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Simple Abundance
Today's reading was based on Thomas Gray's poem, "Elegy in a Country Churchyard" which points out that we're all going to die. All the things we think are so important today, in the face of the truth that we're going to die and we don't know when, are not all that important. What is important are the people in our lives and the beauty of the world. On our death beds we're probably not going to worry that much over whether we were overweight, had a tidy house, etc., etc. There's so much to enjoy in every day that I just overlook in my efforts to get everything done. This idea fits in with Don Miguel Ruiz's idea of making every day a work of art.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tornadoes
I live in what's called, "tornado alley" because we have so many of them. But it looks like the southeast part of the U.S is what's getting the historic tornadoes. It reminds me of the April of 1976 when my mother and grandmother died in a tornado. It was another of those big ones that was a mile wide and stayed on the ground for miles. However, it came down in the country so there were only three deaths. People ask me if I'm scared of storms and oddly, I'm not. There was absolutely nothing my mother and grandmother could have done to escape. The third death was a woman who was in her basement and was pulled up along with her whole house. So, if it's your time, it's your time. Being killed in a tornado is an interesting way to go and it saves a long illness, and it's nobody's fault. I'm not saying I'd like to go that way but it's on my list of not-too-bad-ways.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My Life as My Art
A bunch of us are studying Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "Voice of Knowledge." We've been studying his books for over a year. People come and go, but our core group keeps hanging in there. We are learning how to apply the Toltec ideas to our lives. This particular book focuses on the idea that we are all artists because we are creating the story of our lives. From the Toltec tradition, the idea is that everything is perception - that none of us can actually see the truth because we have been taught from the time we learned language what the truth is from others and their perceptions. Even if we unlearn what we've been taught, all we have is our own perception which is very limited. Therefore, he says, we are the creators/artists of our perception of our lives. Better make it beautiful and full of delight!
If I started out my day with the idea that for this day, I'm going to create a beautiful story and show off my talents as an artist, my way of being would be a lot different!!
If I started out my day with the idea that for this day, I'm going to create a beautiful story and show off my talents as an artist, my way of being would be a lot different!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Shoes
I'm finally adjusted to the new height of my right shoe so that my whole body doesn't complain all the time. I'm still not standing straight although I am straighter. My vanity is affected because it's very, very obvious that the shoe is built up, and before it really wasn't noticeable. But I am way too old to care very much about that. My back is only bothering me a tiny bit, which is a miracle - probably due to the physical therapy and the change in my shoe. Yay for that. I am a lot less behind on things. You wouldn't think that a person with nothing to do would have so much to do! But I am as busy as I can stand to be.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Limitless
Finally got around to seeing Limitless. I think it's one of those predictor movies - we could use a pill to speed up our brains. Probably someone is working on it right now. Of course it would have to be a big secret because if we all had it no one would have an advantage.
In my usual way I watched the action with enjoyment while simultaneously critiquing the plot. Now I'm going to have to see it again because I've got all these questions: It seemed clear to me that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic from the beginning before he ever took one of the pills. But he didn't protect his supply very well - the first thing any good addict would do is try to figure out where to get some more and preferably make some more. Hiding the last of his supply in a shell in his girlfriend's apartment and then in his jacket (then giving his jacket to someone to hold), seemed pretty dumb for a junkie with a four-digit IQ. Before he started making money and trying to be somebody, he should have made sure he had a lifetime supply of the drug.
He was, however, very junkie-like in his immediate decision to overdose himself and make himself sick with no regard for the consequences. He was also true to his junkie-hood by immediately going for the good times and taking crazy risks.
A person with a four-digit IQ would not be likely to go into politics. If his objective was to have power, the folks behind the scenes have more power than the politicians. If he was so smart he would have known that. Plus would a really, really smart person not know that there would be a whole lot of other people trying to get some of this stuff and that they might not be the good guys? I was surprised he didn't think of that before he completely ran out of pills since he found his ex-brother-in-law deader than a doornail. And how did he find his ex-brother-in-law's stash in the oven when the bad guy searchers didn't? He wasn't on the pill at the time. Why weren't the searcher's on the pill?
In the end he finally figures out how to use the drug so that the effects last. But the screen writers took the easy way out and didn't try to explain that. Shame on them for ducking what could have been fascinating.
I can't help it - I've absorbed so much sci-fi I just automatically critique. Luckily it doesn't ruin my enjoyment. So I'll watch it again so I can see if I missed something.
In my usual way I watched the action with enjoyment while simultaneously critiquing the plot. Now I'm going to have to see it again because I've got all these questions: It seemed clear to me that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic from the beginning before he ever took one of the pills. But he didn't protect his supply very well - the first thing any good addict would do is try to figure out where to get some more and preferably make some more. Hiding the last of his supply in a shell in his girlfriend's apartment and then in his jacket (then giving his jacket to someone to hold), seemed pretty dumb for a junkie with a four-digit IQ. Before he started making money and trying to be somebody, he should have made sure he had a lifetime supply of the drug.
He was, however, very junkie-like in his immediate decision to overdose himself and make himself sick with no regard for the consequences. He was also true to his junkie-hood by immediately going for the good times and taking crazy risks.
A person with a four-digit IQ would not be likely to go into politics. If his objective was to have power, the folks behind the scenes have more power than the politicians. If he was so smart he would have known that. Plus would a really, really smart person not know that there would be a whole lot of other people trying to get some of this stuff and that they might not be the good guys? I was surprised he didn't think of that before he completely ran out of pills since he found his ex-brother-in-law deader than a doornail. And how did he find his ex-brother-in-law's stash in the oven when the bad guy searchers didn't? He wasn't on the pill at the time. Why weren't the searcher's on the pill?
In the end he finally figures out how to use the drug so that the effects last. But the screen writers took the easy way out and didn't try to explain that. Shame on them for ducking what could have been fascinating.
I can't help it - I've absorbed so much sci-fi I just automatically critique. Luckily it doesn't ruin my enjoyment. So I'll watch it again so I can see if I missed something.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Trust
"I grew up trusting no one, but I know if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten. I want to change." Hope for Today.
Since I knew as a kid that I was supposed to look perfect even if I wasn't perfect, I didn't learn from my mistakes. How could I? I tried very hard to not make any mistakes, of course. But when I did, I denied and lied so no one could help me do better in the future. I was used to being judged and criticized when I made mistakes so I just wanted to keep that from happening. I carried that way of being into my adulthood. I've never met anybody that tried as hard as I did to make no mistakes. I was wound up tight trying to do everything right all the time. By the time I was thirty I needed a lot of sleep. I was exhausted.
After all that I decided trying to be perfect didn't benefit me at all and just gave up. That didn't work either. I made a lot more mistakes and blew off any negative feedback I got. When I got into recovery and found out how much like everyone else I was because they told their secrets and laughed at their mistakes, I began to learn new ways of dealing with life. I got off my own case and stopped expecting myself not to make mistakes. I learned from my mistakes instead of denying and hiding. I'm still not perfect, but that's okay now. Sometimes I can't believe how much I've learned!
I chose trustworthy people to tell about myself. There were a couple of professional counselors that I trusted. And most of all, people in recovery because they weren't going to give me a hard time - they'd made the same mistakes themselves. Since they had learned from their mistakes, they could show me how to learn from mine. Judgmental, critical people aren't the ones I choose to talk to about my deepest self. They usually make themselves feel better about themselves by criticizing me. I'm not evolved enough to be able to handle a lot of criticism although I'm better than I used to be.
Since I knew as a kid that I was supposed to look perfect even if I wasn't perfect, I didn't learn from my mistakes. How could I? I tried very hard to not make any mistakes, of course. But when I did, I denied and lied so no one could help me do better in the future. I was used to being judged and criticized when I made mistakes so I just wanted to keep that from happening. I carried that way of being into my adulthood. I've never met anybody that tried as hard as I did to make no mistakes. I was wound up tight trying to do everything right all the time. By the time I was thirty I needed a lot of sleep. I was exhausted.
After all that I decided trying to be perfect didn't benefit me at all and just gave up. That didn't work either. I made a lot more mistakes and blew off any negative feedback I got. When I got into recovery and found out how much like everyone else I was because they told their secrets and laughed at their mistakes, I began to learn new ways of dealing with life. I got off my own case and stopped expecting myself not to make mistakes. I learned from my mistakes instead of denying and hiding. I'm still not perfect, but that's okay now. Sometimes I can't believe how much I've learned!
I chose trustworthy people to tell about myself. There were a couple of professional counselors that I trusted. And most of all, people in recovery because they weren't going to give me a hard time - they'd made the same mistakes themselves. Since they had learned from their mistakes, they could show me how to learn from mine. Judgmental, critical people aren't the ones I choose to talk to about my deepest self. They usually make themselves feel better about themselves by criticizing me. I'm not evolved enough to be able to handle a lot of criticism although I'm better than I used to be.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
We're Only as Sick as our Secrets
"The times I most want to hide out with my secrets are probably the times I most need to reach out and share (with someone trustworthy)." Courage to Change.
I grew up in a family where image was everything. The very first priority was to look good. It was a small town and my parents were school teachers so they felt their jobs depended on looking perfect to the whole town. I knew I wasn't perfect and felt ashamed. So I learned to never ever say anything about my imperfections to anybody. By the time I was an adult I was carrying a heavy load of secrets. If I made mistakes, the proper response was to lie. It was so deeply ingrained that I didn't even have to think about it.
In the recovery program I heard the saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets." I couldn't even imagine what that meant. Then there was the saying, "(the program) requires rigorous honesty." I was clearly in trouble since I had no idea how to be honest and no understanding of why I should be. But little by little, because I was so desperate to feel better, I began to tell the truth about myself and my life to trustworthy people and experienced the relief and freedom that brought me. I felt like I was floating about a foot off the ground. Now the telling of the truth - especially admitting my mistakes - is so ingrained that it is automatic. If you ask me a question, I will tell the truth before I even think about lying.
Recently I've realized that there are tons of people in the world who would consider my openness about my thoughts, feelings and mistakes totally wrong and crazy. They probably think I'm completely wrong to do it - that nice people don't air their dirty laundry - and they seem to consider the most minor stuff something to keep secret. I forget that this way of being is extremely common in the world and with a lot of people consider it a virtue. I am sad for them because they won't be able to experience being themselves. When I was hiding and lying trying to look good, I lived with shame and lost the sense of who I even was. I wish I could give the gift of truth to everyone, but that probably is not going to happen.
One of the other things I've learned in my recovery program is that when I'm noticing other people's imperfections, I probably need to look myself to see if I am practicing those imperfections myself. So, it must be time to see where I am hiding secrets myself. At this moment I don't actually see it, but I'm sure I will now that I'm aware.
I grew up in a family where image was everything. The very first priority was to look good. It was a small town and my parents were school teachers so they felt their jobs depended on looking perfect to the whole town. I knew I wasn't perfect and felt ashamed. So I learned to never ever say anything about my imperfections to anybody. By the time I was an adult I was carrying a heavy load of secrets. If I made mistakes, the proper response was to lie. It was so deeply ingrained that I didn't even have to think about it.
In the recovery program I heard the saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets." I couldn't even imagine what that meant. Then there was the saying, "(the program) requires rigorous honesty." I was clearly in trouble since I had no idea how to be honest and no understanding of why I should be. But little by little, because I was so desperate to feel better, I began to tell the truth about myself and my life to trustworthy people and experienced the relief and freedom that brought me. I felt like I was floating about a foot off the ground. Now the telling of the truth - especially admitting my mistakes - is so ingrained that it is automatic. If you ask me a question, I will tell the truth before I even think about lying.
Recently I've realized that there are tons of people in the world who would consider my openness about my thoughts, feelings and mistakes totally wrong and crazy. They probably think I'm completely wrong to do it - that nice people don't air their dirty laundry - and they seem to consider the most minor stuff something to keep secret. I forget that this way of being is extremely common in the world and with a lot of people consider it a virtue. I am sad for them because they won't be able to experience being themselves. When I was hiding and lying trying to look good, I lived with shame and lost the sense of who I even was. I wish I could give the gift of truth to everyone, but that probably is not going to happen.
One of the other things I've learned in my recovery program is that when I'm noticing other people's imperfections, I probably need to look myself to see if I am practicing those imperfections myself. So, it must be time to see where I am hiding secrets myself. At this moment I don't actually see it, but I'm sure I will now that I'm aware.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
RIP good friends...
Today one of the other parents that were involved the the lawsuit that closed Hissom Memorial Center in Sand Springs heard that the process of tearing the old place down had started. So we drove out there and were lucky enough to get to go in through the fence. The project director saw us taking pictures through the fence and after we explained who we were, let us in. His boss saw us and was a whole lot less happy with our being in there but we talked him out of his upset. We walked around and took some pictures which I will post later. I brought a sage smudge and said some prayers.
I guess the internet is full of people saying it's haunted. They've sneaked in and say they saw blood everywhere, etc. I don't believe in ghosts but a lot of terribly cruel and sad things happened there so I will be glad when the buildings are gone.
We said goodbye to Donald, who was the son of one of our friends. The terrible treatment he received there first alerted us to the how bad the conditions were. He died from aspiration pneumonia due to lack of care. We said goodbye to Ann who was the first and only ombudsman there. She did her best to make change and testified for us in court. She died soon after - I believe from the heartbreak and stress she experienced although it was technically cancer. We said goodbye to Tim who was the first attorney who helped us. He had been with the Department of Justice but resigned when President Reagan stopped the Justice Department from helping close institutions. Tim died of complications from his own disability before we won the lawsuit.
There are many who died before they could experience the new living arrangements in the community. We said goodbye to all of them. Hissom is a metaphor for me for all the cruelty of the world. I am grateful to have had a part in ending that particular nightmare.
I guess the internet is full of people saying it's haunted. They've sneaked in and say they saw blood everywhere, etc. I don't believe in ghosts but a lot of terribly cruel and sad things happened there so I will be glad when the buildings are gone.
We said goodbye to Donald, who was the son of one of our friends. The terrible treatment he received there first alerted us to the how bad the conditions were. He died from aspiration pneumonia due to lack of care. We said goodbye to Ann who was the first and only ombudsman there. She did her best to make change and testified for us in court. She died soon after - I believe from the heartbreak and stress she experienced although it was technically cancer. We said goodbye to Tim who was the first attorney who helped us. He had been with the Department of Justice but resigned when President Reagan stopped the Justice Department from helping close institutions. Tim died of complications from his own disability before we won the lawsuit.
There are many who died before they could experience the new living arrangements in the community. We said goodbye to all of them. Hissom is a metaphor for me for all the cruelty of the world. I am grateful to have had a part in ending that particular nightmare.
Friday, April 15, 2011
25 years
This weekend is the 25th anniversary of Ron's and my wedding. Some years I'm sad and some years I'm not. This year I'm coping with sadness. I really miss him. We were married in Eureka Springs and every year we went back to celebrate. It was a big deal to us since both of us had been married twice before, we were very grateful that we were still delighted to be married and wanted to celebrate. It's hard to celebrate without him but I am still grateful.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Now I'm Scared
Awhile back I posted some sarcastic stuff about balancing the budget on the backs of children, old people, disabled people and said that maybe we should go back to allowing people to starve to death, making old people live in poor houses, and having children work like my grandparents did (both of them went to work in factories at the age of 8). Now I hear that Maine is considering amending it's child labor laws to allow businesses to pay anyone under the age of 20 $2.00 less than minimum wage. Hmmm. The law would also allow them to work more hours than they're currently allowed to work. A cheap labor pool. Great. Progress. Businesses will make more money. This benefits us how?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Shoes
My right shoe is now built up 11/4 inch which is double what it was. I've had them for a week and am still stumbling around trying to stand up straight. The physical therapy folks tell me I will be able to do it in time. It's amazing how crooked my hips and back are. No wonder my back has been hurting.
I've also been taking B12 shots and have about twice the energy I did have. Yay!
I've also been taking B12 shots and have about twice the energy I did have. Yay!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Worry
One of my readings this week said that when I turned my life and will over to the care of God in the third step, I gave up worry. Hmmm. Well, I didn't give up worry. I kept on with some of my worries - I feared that Ron's health would continue to deteriorate and that he would die and leave me. I didn't think I could handle that. Of course, that did happen and I did handle it. The problem is that I spent around 20 years worrying every day that he was going to die. When I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I always checked to see if he was alive before I got back into bed. It's pretty obvious from this point of view that if I had let go and let God, I could have enjoyed having him in my life more than I did when I worried all the time.
Either God is in charge or He isn't. If he's in charge (which I'm pretty sure is true), then whatever happens, it's God's will. I don't always like what happens. In fact, I frequently don't. But if God is a loving God and a force for good in the universe, then everything that happens is for the good - or at least God is powerful enough to use it for good. Tall order. But I'm working on trusting that this is the truth.
Either God is in charge or He isn't. If he's in charge (which I'm pretty sure is true), then whatever happens, it's God's will. I don't always like what happens. In fact, I frequently don't. But if God is a loving God and a force for good in the universe, then everything that happens is for the good - or at least God is powerful enough to use it for good. Tall order. But I'm working on trusting that this is the truth.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Misunderstandings
I'll bet I could write a 1,000 page book of just incidents where I said something and the other person heard something else and another one of times I heard something completely different than what was said to me. One such incident was sad - I was talking to one of the people I supervised who was complaining about how disorganized our department was. I was trying to get her to say what she thought would fix it, because I really thought she might have some good ideas. I was sick of the chaos myself but was stumped about how to fix it. It was Friday at the end of the day and I was tired and so was she. Finally I suggested we talk about it on Monday because I could see she wasn't getting what I was asking.
Well, on Monday morning she came in with a huge long letter which she read to me. Apparently, she had been thinking about our conversation all weekend and thought I had called her stupid. Good grief! I don't know if she ever believed me, but I apologized for being unclear in my communication - that I certainly didn't think she was stupid. It was just clear to me I wasn't asking the right questions so that she could see what I wanted from her. It turns out she just thought we should use Microsoft Outlook to schedule meetings - which in my mind was fairly irrelevant for taming the chaos. We had a Helpline with crisis calls all day and a boss who thought up new things for us to do every week. I thought she might have a way to deal with that. But no. Unfortunately.
I could think of literally hundreds of more examples. And the sad part is that the person with the misunderstanding is usually completely positive that their interpretation is accurate. Sometimes I wonder how the world of people runs at all considering how bad we are at communicating with each other.
Well, on Monday morning she came in with a huge long letter which she read to me. Apparently, she had been thinking about our conversation all weekend and thought I had called her stupid. Good grief! I don't know if she ever believed me, but I apologized for being unclear in my communication - that I certainly didn't think she was stupid. It was just clear to me I wasn't asking the right questions so that she could see what I wanted from her. It turns out she just thought we should use Microsoft Outlook to schedule meetings - which in my mind was fairly irrelevant for taming the chaos. We had a Helpline with crisis calls all day and a boss who thought up new things for us to do every week. I thought she might have a way to deal with that. But no. Unfortunately.
I could think of literally hundreds of more examples. And the sad part is that the person with the misunderstanding is usually completely positive that their interpretation is accurate. Sometimes I wonder how the world of people runs at all considering how bad we are at communicating with each other.
Friday, April 01, 2011
The Sun
Right after the wreck in 2005, an aquaintance came by with some dried flowers she put in one of my vases and placed it on top of the tall bookcase across the room from my bed so I could see them from the bed. She also brought a stack of magazines that I read off and on throughout my recovery. Bless her! The magazines were called, The Sun. They have no ads and the stories and poems seem to be mostly written by people you never heard of and/or they're written by readers. I don't even love the Oprah magazine as much as I love The Sun.
It must just be my kind of magazine because I just love every single story and poem and photo in it. This month the lead story was an interview with a guy who graduated from West Point and served in the Armed Services. He has made a study - beginning with some ideas he got from classes at West Point - of peace and what it would take to have world peace. Ahhh! A grandiose thinker like me! He has made it his life work to teach what he's learned to anyone who will listen and his audiences are growing. He says that the United States is seen as a conqueror - as a country that only gets involved when we want something - which just perpetuates resistance. He asks that we consider what would happen if we truly came to help and left when we were finished. He suggests we work against terrorism like we have done with organized crime - catch people, try them and put them in jail for a long time. Cut off their money supplies, etc.
Another story was written by a guy who had just had his beloved dog put to sleep. He told about the process he went through in dealing with the last illness and how he finally made the decision to let his dog go. It was a touching story, of course, but more than that it was a study of love and gratitude. He said he knew that people were probably thinking, "It's just a dog, for God's sake!" His philosophy was that this animal had accompanied him through a divorce, depression, spiritual deserts and a life-threatening illness so he felt accountable for returning love and care to the being that provided it for him. I know there are a lot of people who don't think animals should be valued as much as human beings, but I'm guessing they've just never experienced the unconditional love of an animal companion.
It must just be my kind of magazine because I just love every single story and poem and photo in it. This month the lead story was an interview with a guy who graduated from West Point and served in the Armed Services. He has made a study - beginning with some ideas he got from classes at West Point - of peace and what it would take to have world peace. Ahhh! A grandiose thinker like me! He has made it his life work to teach what he's learned to anyone who will listen and his audiences are growing. He says that the United States is seen as a conqueror - as a country that only gets involved when we want something - which just perpetuates resistance. He asks that we consider what would happen if we truly came to help and left when we were finished. He suggests we work against terrorism like we have done with organized crime - catch people, try them and put them in jail for a long time. Cut off their money supplies, etc.
Another story was written by a guy who had just had his beloved dog put to sleep. He told about the process he went through in dealing with the last illness and how he finally made the decision to let his dog go. It was a touching story, of course, but more than that it was a study of love and gratitude. He said he knew that people were probably thinking, "It's just a dog, for God's sake!" His philosophy was that this animal had accompanied him through a divorce, depression, spiritual deserts and a life-threatening illness so he felt accountable for returning love and care to the being that provided it for him. I know there are a lot of people who don't think animals should be valued as much as human beings, but I'm guessing they've just never experienced the unconditional love of an animal companion.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Falling in Love with What Is
Some friends gave me a couple of audio books by Byron Katie, and I listened to part of one on the way home from visiting my friends in Joplin. She basically says that if you want to be happy, the only way to do it is to fall in love with reality. She suggests you assume that whatever is happening is what is supposed to happen and it's all for your enjoyment. That includes all those things we currently bitch about and act like they're not supposed to be happening. Radical, huh?
But you know, this is not the first time I've heard this concept. My program tells me that acceptance is the answer to every problem. Of course, falling in love with reality is quite a few steps beyond acceptance because it's quite possible to accept something without liking it. The other part of it is that if I'm bitching because I think something isn't supposed to be happening, I'm really playing God, if you think about it.
This little concept is so hard to implement that there only a few human beings that have ever lived that acheived it even part of the time. So I'm not thinking I'm going to be one of them. However, there's a good chance that if I work at thinking that everything is a gift - even stuff I hate - I will certainly increase my level of happiness from day to day.
But you know, this is not the first time I've heard this concept. My program tells me that acceptance is the answer to every problem. Of course, falling in love with reality is quite a few steps beyond acceptance because it's quite possible to accept something without liking it. The other part of it is that if I'm bitching because I think something isn't supposed to be happening, I'm really playing God, if you think about it.
This little concept is so hard to implement that there only a few human beings that have ever lived that acheived it even part of the time. So I'm not thinking I'm going to be one of them. However, there's a good chance that if I work at thinking that everything is a gift - even stuff I hate - I will certainly increase my level of happiness from day to day.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Shoes
Took two pairs of shoes to the shoe repair to have the soles on the right shoe built up another 3/4 of an inch per the xray Dr. Dreamy took to measure exactly how much more my shoe needs to be built up. I am told by people who should know that this will fix my back problem. That would be very cool. I'm on my third week of physical therapy and am already about 75% pain free. Now if I can just figure out how to keep it that way. Theoretically the shoe build up will do it. My fingers are crossed.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
We add just as much pain to the world when we take offense as when we give offense.
I'm a self-help book junkie. I have been for most of my life. I realized early that I lacked a lot of information about how to live life and so have been looking for it for years. I've noticed that there are an awful lot of nonsensical books out there that somebody wrote in order to promote his/her opinions. The thing is, unless things have been tried and found effective, they're useless. But there are a lot of facts that have been tried and found useful that seem to be totally ignored. I was reading another one of those books this morning and found an idea I've seen a bunch of times before and tried again and again and it works. However, on any given day I can see literally dozens of examples of people doing the exact opposite.
Here it is: Criticism makes people fight back and resist change. Worse yet, what usually happens is that the person being criticized either keeps doing what he/she is being criticized for or does it more. Change only happens when people are supported, and it only occurs slowly like a plant growing. It can't be forced by being criticized by another person.
The book I was reading was, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating,by Geneen Roth. Of course, the example she gave was of husbands criticizing wives for being overweight. That absolutely never works. In fact, the wives usually gain more and more weight. The criticism gives them a lot of emotional pain which leads to more eating, etc. As an observer of relationships, I've noticed that spouses criticize each other a lot, which doesn't lead to change, which in turn fosters emotional pain on both their parts. However, they never seem to notice that it's not working and continue to criticize for years and years and years. Considering all the pain in the world, it looks to me like we humans should make it a priority to stop hurting each other unnecessarily. There's nothing wrong with just asking for what we want from the other person without criticizing.
Here it is: Criticism makes people fight back and resist change. Worse yet, what usually happens is that the person being criticized either keeps doing what he/she is being criticized for or does it more. Change only happens when people are supported, and it only occurs slowly like a plant growing. It can't be forced by being criticized by another person.
The book I was reading was, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating,by Geneen Roth. Of course, the example she gave was of husbands criticizing wives for being overweight. That absolutely never works. In fact, the wives usually gain more and more weight. The criticism gives them a lot of emotional pain which leads to more eating, etc. As an observer of relationships, I've noticed that spouses criticize each other a lot, which doesn't lead to change, which in turn fosters emotional pain on both their parts. However, they never seem to notice that it's not working and continue to criticize for years and years and years. Considering all the pain in the world, it looks to me like we humans should make it a priority to stop hurting each other unnecessarily. There's nothing wrong with just asking for what we want from the other person without criticizing.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fear No Evil
"Though we of A.A. find ourselves living in a world characterized by destructive fears as never before in history, we see great areas of faith, and tremendous aspirations toward justice and brotherhood. Yet no prophet can presume to say whether the world outcome will be blazing destruction or the beginning, under God's intention, of the brightest era yet known to mankind...we have been enabled to deeply feel and say, 'we shall fear no evil--'" As Bill Sees It.
At the Friday noon meeting this was the page I got to read. It was written in 1962 and, of course, definitely applies today. The news is so painful to watch that I just check in for a few minutes every day and then pray for the suffering people in Japan, Libya, Afghanistan, and Iraq and everywhere else - New Orleans, Haiti, etc. I thought when I was in my 20s that by the time I reached the age I am now that solutions would have been found for some of the tragedies of the world. Some things are better - not so many people die of starvation in our country as there used to be. Plenty of people still go hungry, though, which would be just as easy to solve as starvation was, but we lack the willingness to take the action. I no longer think that sending my $20 does much toward solving the overall problem. I do think that my exploration of solutions in the big picture, and my commitment to doing what I can toward those solutions every day has some impact even if a tiny one. Only my recovery has given me the release from fear that positive action requires.
At the Friday noon meeting this was the page I got to read. It was written in 1962 and, of course, definitely applies today. The news is so painful to watch that I just check in for a few minutes every day and then pray for the suffering people in Japan, Libya, Afghanistan, and Iraq and everywhere else - New Orleans, Haiti, etc. I thought when I was in my 20s that by the time I reached the age I am now that solutions would have been found for some of the tragedies of the world. Some things are better - not so many people die of starvation in our country as there used to be. Plenty of people still go hungry, though, which would be just as easy to solve as starvation was, but we lack the willingness to take the action. I no longer think that sending my $20 does much toward solving the overall problem. I do think that my exploration of solutions in the big picture, and my commitment to doing what I can toward those solutions every day has some impact even if a tiny one. Only my recovery has given me the release from fear that positive action requires.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Struggle and Answers
Recently I've had occasion to struggle with questions about how to handle situations with other people that puzzled me. After talking to a couple of people and prayerful thought, the principles of the program kicked in again. I wish I could think of this tool before I have to wrestle with questions, but it just doesn't work that way.
What I remembered was something that my first sponsor began teaching me in the first year of my recovery. It took me quite awhile to get it, but when I use it and it works, I get all excited and thrilled because it will work 99% of the time and it doesn't require anyone but me to make changes. The thing is I keep forgetting to use the tool and have to be reminded.
There's the spiritual axiom - "Whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me." Now, that doesn't mean that everything is always my fault like I thought in the beginning. It just means that I am one of the people involved in the problem so I had a part in it. All I need to do is figure out my part and do something different - probably something more loving and kind - and poof! the problem goes away.
I used this tool almost every day with my boss in my last job. I looked for my part in every difficulty I had with her and made quick changes. I improved my ability to communicate with her and made sure I did my best every day on the job. I did my best to treat her with respect. You know what? Improving my communication, doing my best and treating people with respect does wonders for my relationships with anybody. I learned more about money and how to handle it than I ever thought I could learn because my husband had big problems with it. Instead of looking at his mistakes, I decided to challenge myself to be better with money and it paid off big time!!
So - right now I'm working on improving my communication, doing my best and treating others with respect. I'm betting that this tool will work again.
What I remembered was something that my first sponsor began teaching me in the first year of my recovery. It took me quite awhile to get it, but when I use it and it works, I get all excited and thrilled because it will work 99% of the time and it doesn't require anyone but me to make changes. The thing is I keep forgetting to use the tool and have to be reminded.
There's the spiritual axiom - "Whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me." Now, that doesn't mean that everything is always my fault like I thought in the beginning. It just means that I am one of the people involved in the problem so I had a part in it. All I need to do is figure out my part and do something different - probably something more loving and kind - and poof! the problem goes away.
I used this tool almost every day with my boss in my last job. I looked for my part in every difficulty I had with her and made quick changes. I improved my ability to communicate with her and made sure I did my best every day on the job. I did my best to treat her with respect. You know what? Improving my communication, doing my best and treating people with respect does wonders for my relationships with anybody. I learned more about money and how to handle it than I ever thought I could learn because my husband had big problems with it. Instead of looking at his mistakes, I decided to challenge myself to be better with money and it paid off big time!!
So - right now I'm working on improving my communication, doing my best and treating others with respect. I'm betting that this tool will work again.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Mistakes
I used to believe that one of the purposes in life was to get to a place where I made no mistakes. In my reading this morning is a prayer, "Help me, Higher Power. Help me remember that the purpose of making mistakes is to prepare myself to make more; help me remember that when I'm no longer making mistakes I'll be out of this world." I am so lucky to have found recovery where I do what I can to avoid mistakes since I don't like their consequences but at the same time knowing that I am going to make some. This reminds me that one of the definitions of a sociopath is that he/she doesn't learn from his/her mistakes. I can always learn from my mistakes which in turn makes it possible for me to continue to grow and get better at life as I go along. It was impossible for me to do that when I looked for somebody else to blame.
I remember this especially when I'm in the midst of one of my self-improvement projects. Right now I'm working on getting up early and taking no naps. The purpose is to get more productive time every day. On the one hand, I am doing a whole lot better. On the other hand, I'm very far away from my goal. The old part of me is trying to surface and tell me I'm a failure for all the days I pooped out and took a nap and then didn't go to sleep until 11:00 p.m. which in turn made it impossible to get up early. However, I'm simply not listening - I've been up every single day before 9:00 a.m. and have had way more productive hours every day. I'm not giving up on the goal and I'm happy about progress, Plus as long as I don't give up, I can't possibly fail. All the mistakes I've made have just allowed me to learn how I need to do things so that I can reach my goal.
I remember this especially when I'm in the midst of one of my self-improvement projects. Right now I'm working on getting up early and taking no naps. The purpose is to get more productive time every day. On the one hand, I am doing a whole lot better. On the other hand, I'm very far away from my goal. The old part of me is trying to surface and tell me I'm a failure for all the days I pooped out and took a nap and then didn't go to sleep until 11:00 p.m. which in turn made it impossible to get up early. However, I'm simply not listening - I've been up every single day before 9:00 a.m. and have had way more productive hours every day. I'm not giving up on the goal and I'm happy about progress, Plus as long as I don't give up, I can't possibly fail. All the mistakes I've made have just allowed me to learn how I need to do things so that I can reach my goal.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I was born with this beauty inside me...
"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness...until it flowers again from within..." Galway. Kinnell. Courage to Change.
My readings remind me that all my work on being more organized, etc. really doesn't make me the beautiful human being I was created to be. Not that self-improvement is a bad thing; just that it's not a good idea to think that I'm only going to be okay when I reach goals. I get confused easily on that. Today I begin physical therapy again and I'm looking forward to finding some solutions to the chronic lower back pain I have. They cured me once so I'm sure it will happen again. I hope to find out what I need to do to prevent it. Simultaneously, I'm fighting back against my periodic crashes into being a slug. They tell me (the experts) that any stress, no matter how insignificant, can cause this. I've had a lot of advice about going easy on myself in those times, however, I'm really sick of being at the mercy of unexpected crashes. So, I'm trying to schedule them as well as finding other ways to take care of myself. In the midst of my self-improvement efforts, I am remembering that I am already okay.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Pics
Jean, Tammy and me at the Out of Africa event. Big success.
The "Out of Africa" event. Good crowd, great program.
Girls Night Out at the Casino. Slot machines everywhere. We went to see the Japanese drummers so didn't gamble.
Look closely to see the lady with the square dancer outfit with boots and a whole lot of hair. Entertaining but the pic is not so hot.
Girls night out - Katie, Diana, Mary and Danna.
Diana and Dana laughing at a funny lady.
Girls night out. The band was too loud. This is Diana and Mary trying to talk to each other.Sunday, February 27, 2011
Bogged Down
I've had another one of those weeks where I've been bogged down with too much to do and no desire to do any of it. I managed to get tiny bits done and am just about on the other side of it. YAY! But I am going to have to do something to boost myself out of the doldrums - which I have taken the first steps to do - asking people for help. What a concept. Works really well. I always forget that it does. Plus I really, really, really hate admitting that I need help. (Ego). So, I've asked. And no one said no. What a blessing.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Theresa
It was probably about 1995 when I was recruiting and training volunteers to visit people with cognitive disabilities to make sure they had what they needed, that I recruited a volunteer named Theresa. The project I was working on mandated that the volunteers would be family members of people with disabilities and people with disabilities so Theresa was perfect for the job. She had a type of cerebral palsy that caused her to have uncontrollable movements of her arms and legs. She was in a wheelchair but her body was in constant wild movement which made all activities even speech difficult. However, she was quite a poet and shared some of her poetry with me. She used a manual typewriter to write her poems and did them all in caps so that she didn't have to mess with shifting. I changed that part to make it easier to read. Yesterday I was cleaning out a closet and found one of her poems:
AS IT WAS
The world is not the same
Anymore as I am getting older
I am finding out.
Life isn't pretty anymore either
Way life is hard for me now.
I wish I was little again with a hard cry and soft tears.
A lot of people said that I
Never cried when I was little.
I guess I had a small world in my mind.
No, I am not mad because I am disabled,
The Lord made me as He saw fit.
Yes, I believe in God because Life is God!!!
This is how I look at it.
Now I am not God crazy I am just telling
The facts. Here.
My life is normal like yours.
A lot people have to understand people
To get along with someone different
Than someone who is a little different.
But who's to say I'm weird because
I am in a wheelchair.
Are you weird because you're normal?
I just want to be me.
AS IT WAS
The world is not the same
Anymore as I am getting older
I am finding out.
Life isn't pretty anymore either
Way life is hard for me now.
I wish I was little again with a hard cry and soft tears.
A lot of people said that I
Never cried when I was little.
I guess I had a small world in my mind.
No, I am not mad because I am disabled,
The Lord made me as He saw fit.
Yes, I believe in God because Life is God!!!
This is how I look at it.
Now I am not God crazy I am just telling
The facts. Here.
My life is normal like yours.
A lot people have to understand people
To get along with someone different
Than someone who is a little different.
But who's to say I'm weird because
I am in a wheelchair.
Are you weird because you're normal?
I just want to be me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
What Would Jesus Do?
Although I'm not very religious, I liked those little bracelets that were popular a few years ago. I thought they would be a good reminder to try to answer that question when confronted with a dilemma. Yesterday or day before a friend of mine posted a list of things Jesus would NOT do on Facebook. I thought it was pretty good so I adapted it a little and will post it here. Of course, I am aware that there are probably people that think Jesus would do these things or some version of them, but I am not in agreement:
STUFF JESUS WOULD PROBABLY NOT DO:
Harass single moms
Beat up homosexuals
Picket funerals
Shoot doctors
Shoot anyone
Join a militia
Own a weapon
Run for president
Attack the poor
Burn a cross
Put his name on merchandise.
STUFF JESUS WOULD PROBABLY NOT DO:
Harass single moms
Beat up homosexuals
Picket funerals
Shoot doctors
Shoot anyone
Join a militia
Own a weapon
Run for president
Attack the poor
Burn a cross
Put his name on merchandise.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hmmm
So far, so good. It looks like the politicians have begun to single out the groups that will need to get less money so that the government can quit spending so much money: old people (Medicare, Social Security), poor people (Medicaid), teachers and other government employees (poor people?). As the child of two teachers, I'm fairly sure the teachers are not overpaid. I guess the government workers (teachers, cops, firefighters, military, etc.) are just not important enough to pay them a decent amount. God knows those poor people and old people just need to get up off their asses and get a job and quit expecting the government to take care of them. I'm just kind of wondering if the other government workers (subsidized corporate farms, etc.) as well as state legislators and congress would be willing to take a pay cut. Maybe it would only be symbolic, but I'd love to see them do something like that. Maybe until the economy improves they could take a 10% pay cut and pay for 1/2 their retirement and health benefits. That would make me feel sooo much better.
Motivation Pill?
One of my grandsons' girlfriends posted a question on Facebook - "Is there a motivation pill? I'd like to abuse that!" She's so smart. She probably has asked a very important question in a very funny way. I know exactly how she feels. There are those who would tell you that there is a motivation pill - it's called "speed." The problem is that you will definitely abuse it and you may be motivated but not necessarily in a good way. I am particularly unmotivated right now. Not sure why. Retiring to a cave for a long, long time sounds soothing and good. It's not that I have a bunch of stuff to do that I don't want to do. I just want to stop for awhile.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Regeneration of Spirit
Went to the 5:30 women's meeting which was on gratitude. I used to hate gratitude meetings - they seemed so trite. But now I love them. I thought of all I have learned and practiced over the years and how my spirit has regenerated. That phrase was in one of my readings this morning. One of the things I'm most grateful for is that I've lost a lot of my fear of being judged. In the program I am just who I am with all my good and bad qualities and I hide almost nothing from the people of the program. I am accepted and loved just the way I am. When I walk in the door I drop all my pretenses. I still have some fears of judgment - especially my own and other close relationships, but I am willing to be honest in spite of my fear. Being who I am has given me the gift of being a "free spirit" which is what I've always wanted in my life. It's who I thought I was in my drinking days - although I was actually a captive of my own self-judgement and the chemicals I was ingesting. Now my spirit is truly free! I am grateful.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Melting
The snow is melting. It's been warm the last couple of days. The trash man came. But I still can't get to my outside garbage cans because I would have to shovel the snow away from the gate. There's still a lot of snow in the street but I should be able to get out today anyway. Since it's Valentines Day and I didn't get to go to my beautiful granddaughter's birthday party, I will be going out to mail all the cards I meant to take with me. I hate being in the dog house for not doing what I can't do, but ...sometimes that that's just the way it is. I have an invitation from a friend to treat me to a Valentine's Dinner out - a female friend. But that is terrific to have a date where I don't have to do anything except be myself! I think Valentines Day should be about melted hearts - compassion for all those people who aren't doing it right and for myself for being so imperfect. In fact, let's start trend - Valentine's Day is melted hearts day!!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Pics
Here's Kristin with her fairy wings she got at the Women's Symposium plus the bracelet that came with her Valentine she got from me.
Sculpture in front of the Performing Arts Center.
My friend Alicia with the four wheel drive in front of the Performing Arts Center. We made it to the ballet so I made her pose in front of one of the lovely snow piles we have all over Tulsa.Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Compare and Despair
"Compare and despair" is a quote from one of the women who used to meet with the women's group that studied the steps at my house. I've never heard it from anyone else, but she may have heard it somewhere or maybe she made it up. But that little phrase has been a terrific defense against the judge in everyone's head that gives us a hard time when we see someone we think is better than we are. There's another saying in the recovery community: "Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides." That's another really good defense.
One of the readings in one of my meditation books yesterday reminded me of those sayings and I realized how grateful I should feel that I actually don't compare myself with other people anymore. I used to think there were people who did everything right most of the time and as a result lived charmed lives. Then one time I had the flu and was home from work for several days. I watched a whole lot of biographies on tv, and learned that even those people I assumed would have led charmed lives had many of the same painful experiences in their lives that I did in mine. Beverly Sills had a daughter who was deaf and would never be able to hear her sing. Paul Newman had had a child die. And on and on. Furthermore, they did not do everything right most of the time. They had made a lot of the same mistakes I had.
The main thing I learned from the women's meetings at my house (for over 10 years), was that although all of us were very different - in background, age, life circumstances, etc., we were very much the same on the inside. We had the same fears, had made similar horrendous mistakes in our lives, had had terribly difficult events to deal with, and on and on. Learning that really helped make me less judgmental of myself.
So today my endless struggles to be more organized, to exercise and eat right every day, to get all my chores done when they need to be done - well, at least I don't kick myself when I don't do everything right most of the time. Little by little, I get better and am grateful for progress.
One of the readings in one of my meditation books yesterday reminded me of those sayings and I realized how grateful I should feel that I actually don't compare myself with other people anymore. I used to think there were people who did everything right most of the time and as a result lived charmed lives. Then one time I had the flu and was home from work for several days. I watched a whole lot of biographies on tv, and learned that even those people I assumed would have led charmed lives had many of the same painful experiences in their lives that I did in mine. Beverly Sills had a daughter who was deaf and would never be able to hear her sing. Paul Newman had had a child die. And on and on. Furthermore, they did not do everything right most of the time. They had made a lot of the same mistakes I had.
The main thing I learned from the women's meetings at my house (for over 10 years), was that although all of us were very different - in background, age, life circumstances, etc., we were very much the same on the inside. We had the same fears, had made similar horrendous mistakes in our lives, had had terribly difficult events to deal with, and on and on. Learning that really helped make me less judgmental of myself.
So today my endless struggles to be more organized, to exercise and eat right every day, to get all my chores done when they need to be done - well, at least I don't kick myself when I don't do everything right most of the time. Little by little, I get better and am grateful for progress.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Luxury
Since all my responsibilities and appointments have been wiped off my calendar by a snow storm, I have the luxury of spending a little more time with meditation. This morning I read"No longer half-asleep to the wonders around me, I become aware that each moment fairly vibrates with the possibility of healing..." from Hope for Today. I have the luxury to notice that the birds have completely wiped out the bird seed I put out for them yesterday. I've had more time to read/study the writing of other writers and learn more about how I want to write myself. I've reconnected with some friends I haven't talked to in a long time. Meditation always returns me to the things that are most important to me.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Stuff to be Grateful for While being Stuck in the House in a Snow Storm
"Today I am grateful for everything - even things that surprise me..." Hope for Today
I had the makings for vegetable soup.
My hot water works so I had a hot bath.
Friends who offer to get me stuff at the store.
The spider mums I forgot to bring in from the car survived two days and are still in great shape.
Usually I ignore facebook but I like it when enclosed.
My cable tv works,
I've caught up with some friends on the phone.
I caught a mouse.
The way the sun reflects off snow so that it's twice as light in my house.
There's no mail so I don't have to watch the postman struggle to deliver it.
There's no newspaper so I don't have to feel guilty that I haven't read it.
The bird tracks in the snow on the wheelchair ramp reminding me to put out bird food.
I've had time to pray for the citizens of Egypt.
I had the makings for vegetable soup.
My hot water works so I had a hot bath.
Friends who offer to get me stuff at the store.
The spider mums I forgot to bring in from the car survived two days and are still in great shape.
Usually I ignore facebook but I like it when enclosed.
My cable tv works,
I've caught up with some friends on the phone.
I caught a mouse.
The way the sun reflects off snow so that it's twice as light in my house.
There's no mail so I don't have to watch the postman struggle to deliver it.
There's no newspaper so I don't have to feel guilty that I haven't read it.
The bird tracks in the snow on the wheelchair ramp reminding me to put out bird food.
I've had time to pray for the citizens of Egypt.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Snow and More Snow
We're not alone - from the weather map it looks like most of the country is in a blizzard. I was looking forward to the temperature being in the 40s tomorrow, but woke up to more snow this morning. Looks like I'm going to be stuck here awhile longer. Luckily I have plenty to do to keep myself from sinking into slug. What a great opportunity to study, read and write. I am more and more hopeful about finishing my writing project in the next two or three months.
I'm reading the same meditation books I've read for probably three years now. They seem new and fresh every year even though I remember reading them before. Today in "Courage to Change," the writer says that remembering that "God is not a terrorist" is necessary for serenity. I guess that some of us think that since God is in charge, any situation we don't like is God's fault. I'm just guessing but I wonder if there aren't some folks who think this constant cold and snow is God's punishment for something. Since I believe God is not a terrorist, I'm going to assume that it's all meant for our good.
I'm reading the same meditation books I've read for probably three years now. They seem new and fresh every year even though I remember reading them before. Today in "Courage to Change," the writer says that remembering that "God is not a terrorist" is necessary for serenity. I guess that some of us think that since God is in charge, any situation we don't like is God's fault. I'm just guessing but I wonder if there aren't some folks who think this constant cold and snow is God's punishment for something. Since I believe God is not a terrorist, I'm going to assume that it's all meant for our good.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
New Ideas
One of the things I'm most grateful for is the fabulous new stuff I learned in the beginning of recovery that I'm still using today. One of them is just a mind set change, really. If I'm having a problem - especially a problem with another person - the first place I should go to solve it is to myself rather than trying to get them to change. What a concept. I had no idea it was possible to solve a problem with another person by changing myself. Wow! Of course, at first I thought it was just crazy - if the other person is behaving badly, how could I solve the problem by changing myself? Well, nine times out of 10 it is possible and so much easier than trying to change another person or situation - which almost never works.
Example - I was at an event with a friend. The room was crowded so it started getting overly warm. The air conditioning went on which solved the problem - except for my friend who is cold-natured. She began to fuss about being cold - every few minutes. Finally I pointed out that she had a coat. She didn't put it on and continued to fuss about being cold. I just laughed and said, "I guess you would rather be cold and wait for them to change the room temperature than to put on your coat!" Then she did put on her coat.
The whole thing reminded me of what a gift it was to learn that the easiest way to solve any problem in the world is to change myself. I used to be just like she is - sure that the people who put the air conditioning on were wrong and wait for them to realize it and change while freezing to death myself. I sure suffered a lot until I learned that new idea.
Example - I was at an event with a friend. The room was crowded so it started getting overly warm. The air conditioning went on which solved the problem - except for my friend who is cold-natured. She began to fuss about being cold - every few minutes. Finally I pointed out that she had a coat. She didn't put it on and continued to fuss about being cold. I just laughed and said, "I guess you would rather be cold and wait for them to change the room temperature than to put on your coat!" Then she did put on her coat.
The whole thing reminded me of what a gift it was to learn that the easiest way to solve any problem in the world is to change myself. I used to be just like she is - sure that the people who put the air conditioning on were wrong and wait for them to realize it and change while freezing to death myself. I sure suffered a lot until I learned that new idea.
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