Update

This will probably be the last visit I have with Dr. Dreamy for awhile. I had some left over questions - like, "Should I have the hardware in my leg removed eventually?" The answer is that there are very few advantages compared to the disadvantages, which makes me happy since I'm not crazy about another surgery. I took a picture of my two granddaughters, my middle daughter and myself dancing at 5th Night at Utica Square so he could see that I could not only walk but dance too, and then took this picture for posterity - declaring myself cured!

My Life in Pictures Last Week

Since I was out of it last week and didn't take pictures, I thought I would at least take a picture of where I spent most of my time.

Furlough

Mary Ann VanWinkle has been sleeping a lot again this week. I'm really sick of it. So I've decided not to do it anymore. I'm going to continue the new therapy for now, but it had better start making me feel better instead of worse pretty soon.

The 365 project has not been implemented, but at least I've done the basics so that my life wasn't destroyed. I'm still exceedingly sleepy but so what. Today I went to a meeting at the glass house in the park and then to eat at an Tei Kei's (the Asian restaurant pictured here). Right now Eric and I are working on our writing. I'm editing old blog posts and having a good time with that. The dishes are done. My bed is made. I'm clean and well dressed. I've done my meditation. I'm doing something productive. I'm back in the world.

Wicked

The group that saw Wicked last night...Lynn, Marilyn's daugher; Dee, Marilyn, and me. I wasn't expecting Wicked to have such complex messages. I loved it. We all did. I had the urge to go out and collect green things (Emerald City of Oz and the green complexion of the wicked witch of the west) but settled for a tee shirt that says "wicked."

How Can We Make Our Lives Better

Hi Courtney! We had lunch at D'Novo yesterday and talked about how we could make our lives even better than they are - which is our topic of conversation whenever we get together. After that I thought seriously about how well I was doing with not taking a nap and decided that to make my life better, I was going to take one. So, I slept from 1:00 to 5:00 and from 11:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. I think today is going to be another exception where I am going to take a nap. So there.

Reunion

The monthly reunion of the 2009 Stage II Recovery class was at my house tonight and here's a partial view of the setting. Everything is very tidy - always a good reason for having people over. We had a great time. It was pot luck and our luck was terrific - the best meal I've had recently. Our sharing was upbeat - everyone was making progress. All stuff I love to hear.

Grocery Store

So today's picture is of my full refrigerator. It doesn't usually look this way. I don't like to go to the grocery store. I'm not sure why. Somewhere along the way I lost my gratitude for being able to go to the grocery store. Someone else had to go for me. Until you've experienced this... well, I was very, very grateful for the help. At the same time, half the time I don't know exactly what I want until I sort through what's available. When I first became able to go on my own, I was thrilled. But now the thrill is gone. It's an exhausting process. It takes me about three hours from start to finish because I sit down and rest a lot. But now the job is done and I've got food for a couple of weeks!

Birds

By looking extremely closely you may see two very tiny unassuming birds that somehow got by the squirrels and are eating at the birdfeeder! Victory!!

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's pictures - inside of my car at the car wash. I was just curious as to what the pictures would look like. Now I know. Today was errand day and it's 5:00. I finished all but two on the list which made me happy and will give me some time to do something besides run around getting things done. How did errands get to be such a big deal? I know I always felt totally overwhelmed when I was working full time and no wonder since I went from the library to the book store, to get cat food, gas and a car wash, etc. etc. and it took several hours. I'm actually grateful to be able to do it. For a long time there someone else ran errands for me - it usually took several people. Strange to be grateful for errands but I am.

Sunday at the Park

I often go to a meeting on Sunday morning at a little building in LaFortune park with a bunch of windows that look out on these views. We call the building the glass house and the meeting the glass house meeting. Outside is a little lake with ducks and geese. Another happy thing.

Farmer's Market Day

A little bit of heaven on a relatively mild day. The last picture in the collage (courtesy of my learning a little bit of a new skill with my digital camera and some new software) is of the loot I brought home from the market. Right now I'm going to put the flowers in water and eat some of that bread and send happy thoughts to the guy playing music at the market who had his walker right there. I can relate.

Mary Ann VanWinkle

"Just for today I will live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once." Just for Today.

This new thing I'm doing - voice mapping - that I hope will do what it's supposed to do - which is to rewire my nervous system so that I don't have so many ptsd symptoms - is putting me to sleep. I'm sleeping a long time at night and am having trouble staying up all day. One day I got up at 7:00 a.m., did my morning routine and went back to bed at 8:30. I slept until 3:00 p.m., ate and went to bed for the night around 6:00 and slept until 9:00 the next morning. I don't seem to have much choice about whether I go to sleep or not. Plus I am very sad this week since my son who died 30 years ago would have been 45 on the 15th. I am sad because I still miss him. It seems to me to be strange that I would still love and miss someone who wasn't quite 15 when he died and has been gone 30 years. It must mean that love is more powerful than time. I'm making my best effort to take care of business since my program has taught me not to let myself be overwhelmed by anything I'm dealing with. I picked up my taxes today - since I sent in some money based on a wild guess as to what I might owe, I'm getting some of it back. That's a happy thing. Tonight I will be going to my regular Friday night meeting right after I meet one of the women I sponsor for dinner so that we can go over her 8th step work. That's another happy thing.

New Toy

Cisco has a new toy - I went to Target after some basic necessities and came back with a new toy for Cisco - a "cat condo" with a feather. He does think it's pretty cool. Target is a dangerous place for me. Last time I was there I bought a metal tub with a peace symbol on it. This impulse purchase is at least a little more practical. Cisco is the king and he deserves having something new. The other good news is that I was able to put the thing together without help. I have a flat spot in my brain re: spatial perceptions, but this thing was easy enough even for me.

Squirrel

Obnoxious bird with a furry tail. It must be a bird. It's a squirrel-proof bird feeder.

Here he is - the fat little devil. He's on the right side of the squirrel-proof birdfeeder. Note his fat little belly.

Grrr

I hoped that the birds would find the food in the squirrel-proof birdfeeder before the squirrel's did but I was wrong. I tried to get a picture of the squirrels cleaning it out, but they are so used to my screaming at them that I couldn't get a picture. The birds are on the ground trying to get seeds that the squirrels have dropped. I think I need to Google how to keep squirrels from eating from squirrel-proof bird feeders.

"I ask God to make me willing to see clearly my eeryday experiences, to sharpen my perception of how much there is to enjoy even in ordinary things and happenings. Let me be receptive. Restore to me my sense of wonder." One Day at a Time.

I've been taking some pretty bad pictures the last few days - under or over exposed. But this one isn't bad. I took it yesterday of the cars in my driveway belong to several of the participants in our monthly women's step practice group. Some of them carpool so there are never that many cars. The other picture is of the cars parked on the street. Proof that we actually had the meeting.

Let me make this day a celebration of the spirit. Courage to Change.

Last winter I got annoyed with the squirrels stealing all the birdseed from my squirrel-proof bird feeder and stopped putting bird seed in it. These two doves sitting on my ramp railing faithfully visited me anyway. So, I rewarded them with some birdseed.

Kristin on the carousel at Casa Bonita's. This was our afternoon together, plus Kristin helped Lynn put birdseed in the bird feeders and Lynn went to the store for me.

My white silk quilt is supposed to go to the cleaners. But my friend, Heather, said that was ridiculous and I should wash it. So I did. It and figuring my finances (it is as I expected: I'm poor at the moment) were my big accomplishments for the day. I wish it were more exciting or beautiful but whatever.

Update

An illustration of how my life is going - the take out door of Applebees. My search for a permanent solution to my lousy nervous system hardwiring has taken me to a therapy called "voice mapping." You can Google it and get an idea of what it is. All I'm going to say about it is that I've been sleeping most of the time since the last session. I'm hoping that means that I'm just catching up on my sleep rather than a step backward. More later.
"We'll find joy when we find acceptance of ourselves and our efforts and the belief that we are spiritual beings whose lives do have purpose and direction." Each Day a New Beginning.

365 Project - Miss Figgy

Here is Miss Figgy - my "fig" tree (ficus) that I've had since 1980. She is an icon for me - representing miracles. She survived my drinking, and when I got into recovery she only had a few leaves. One of the first things I learned to do was to be responsible for the living things in my house. Then she survived the fire we had in 2000, thanks to friends who cleaned soot off all her poor little leaves, repotted her and brought her back when we moved back into the house. I try to tell her frequently how much I appreciate her hanging in there with me.

"When you and I are one with God, have aligned our will with the will of God, we know joy. We know this fully, that all is well. No harm can befall us." Each Day a New Beginning

More 365 Project - 4th of July weekend

A sampling of the weekend - the picture I took of Liz's book that I'm going to get for myself because of the marvelous ideas it has. It's responsible for the picture I took of the sky on the way home - from the car. Pretty good for me!. Also Bec and Michael, her new boyfriend who is taller than she is.

Adam is exercising with the Wii.

Liz and Adam are fixing dinner.

Badminton and volleyball- Aaron and Bec. They were friends (siblings) when Bec was a baby, but something changed and they weren't anymore. But just recently there was another change and they are friends again.

Taking family pictures.

Eating the buffet at the Asian restaurant.

I don't know what Thien is eating! The Buddha says goodbye.

Here's another chandelier and and the art work at our table.

365 Project

My friend Karen and I are celebrating my birthday (I know how to stretch those birthday celebrations out!) at one of our favorite places - D'Novo. All the entrees are 500 calories or less. I had steak, grilled vegetables and mashed sweet potatoes. So did she. The food is fabulous and so is the environment. Check out that chandelier - there are several.

Spirit

Here's the entrance to Spirit Bank - locally owned bank where Ron and I had accounts for years and years. Ron had his office in this building for most of the time he was in private practice. He said his clients who were under the illusion that no one knew they were drunks or addicts loved it that his offices were in a bank building. Our CPA is also in this building and I have my accounts here too. Yesterday I got my 2008 tax information to the CPA's office. I think the only year that I met the April 15 deadline was the first year after the wreck, and I managed that because I had all the books in good shape through August. The other two years I made it by October 15. By that standard I was early this year. This building holds so many memories for me. I worked with Ron here. I came to get him after work a lot. We spent hours here - days, nights, weekends - people who are addicted need help at odd times. And they are all good memories.

"Greeting life with joy alters every experience for us and for those we share it with." Each Day a New Beginning.

Joy

Dear friend, Cisco, is the cleanest cat in the world. He has to be. He sleeps, eats, poops and cleans and cleans and cleans. Of course, he has to make time for all that in between kissing me and following me around. What a joy it is to have a companion that's so full of love!

"...we need joy in our lives, just as surely as we need rest and a good diet...The knowledge that joy is inherent, within every experience, is mine, now and forever." Each Day a New Beginning

Nutrition

I am slowly but surely disciplining myself to cook for just me. There's really no other way to be sure that I'm getting the nutrition I need. This is a stew I'm fond of - hamburger, etc. The hamburger comes from Whole Foods and the recipe from Weight Watchers. Plus I can check off several of the little boxes on the form I got from my nutritionist. But the best part is that I actually like this stew and I made enough so that I can have it for lunch a couple of days.

Poetry Attack

Overheard

“My sister, Priscilla, was supposed to die on Saturday….”
And the rest was lost in the buzz of other voices in the restaurant.
Did she refuse to die even though she promised to?
Was the paid assassin late and didn’t get the job done until Sunday?
The death sentence was postponed?
Or was it just a bad prediction on the part of the medical team?

Maybe sis just was wishing her witchy sister would leave the earth
Sooner rather than later
And was devastated by the delay.
Strange lunch time conversation
Since “supposed to” is not a phrase
Usually associated with death.
Strange to think about endings while feeding our living bodies.

Serenity Experiment Update

Well, my sleeping problems are still an issue. I've consulted with mentors and given prayerful thought and for right now I've decided to accept the fact that my body wants to go to sleep at midnight and wake up at 8 or 9. I'm at war with my body and I'm not winning. So, I'm going to cool it and just stick with what I've developed so far - getting dressed, eating a decent breakfast, doing my prayer and meditation and making my bed. The whole list will not get done on my current awakening time. So....I'm going to take a shot at moving the rest of the list to other times during the day. Of course, it's going to vary from day to day according to the schedule for that day, and that wasn't what I had in mind. Whatever. The goal is serenity.

Since there are difficulties with which I must live, the only real answer is to seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to Change.

365 Project

I'm showing how hard it is for me to keep a commitment that requires discipline. This week's pictures were extremely sparse. I'm not feeling creative and although I was active this week I really didn't think any pictures would be meaningful. So... having confessed my sins, I'm going to embark on taking pictures whether they seem to be meaningful or not. The picture on the right is of one of my therapist's office. I see him once or twice a month and we work on keeping my body straight since my muscles try to torque so that I'm leaning to one side and on releasing negative energy that's stored in my body that causes me to "dissociate." I love the quiet beauty of his office. The picture on the left is of my kitchen table. People who know me well know that this is how it usually looks. All my projects, my wilted bouquet, my journal, cell phone, coffee cup and milk I'm not quite finished with usually sit there. Every once in awhile I clean it up and put stuff away and then I can't find it and wonder why my bills are paid late and I forget to go to parties I was invited to.

Dancing

I decided to stay home from 5th night at Utica Square tonight. The temp outside is 102. I'm just not motivated to go dancing on hot concrete with the temperature over 100.

It occurred to me that the fact that I danced last week is a milestone. One of the milestones the first year after the wreck was when I got the left foot accelerator on my car and was able to load my wheelchair in the car by myself. The next appointment I had with Dr. Dreamy I reported my progress. He asked me in all seriousness whether since I was so independent if I wanted to go on with the surgeries that were necessary for me to be able to walk. He said a lot of people would just stop and stay in the wheelchair. I indignantly replied that I not only wanted to walk; I wanted to be able to dance. Well..... I'm dancing!!!

This is the second or third generation of the bouqet given me by my friend. The funny part is that she put mint in it for greenery, and I've just been adding flowers from my flower bed to the mint as the flowers fade. The mint just keeps hanging in there. Finally I noticed that the mint has grown roots! No wonder it's still hanging in. Now it's growing taller so I will have to cut the flowers longer. This might be some sort of record for an "on-going" bouquet.

Birthday Weeks

What fun I've had. I went to Dallas for the first of our birthday celebrations - my birthday and my grandson's birthday who was born the day after my birthday. My oldest grandson was born on my birthday but he's in Virginia so we will have to celebrate with him when he and his girlfriend come in July. Then my grandson and I came back to Tulsa and celebrated some more by visiting the local sights and taking in a movie. Then, midweek, my oldest granddaughter and my daughter came. I had several ideas for fun, but we nixed a lot of them due to the heatwave, but we did have some other fun. I had my sobriety anniversary celebration and then we celebrated my youngest granddaughter's birthday. On Sunday I waved goodbye and lay down. Cisco the cat and I just vegged the rest of the day.

There go the babies - back to Dallas - after a terrific visit.

Still no potty for Rusty.

Rusty does not want to potty. He is afraid they are going to leave without him.

They are getting ready to go. Poor Bec has been ready since early (for her) this morning.