Surprises

Saturday's day-long beautiful snow covering my blooming redbud! Four days later the redbud is no worse for two days of a snow cover.

Friendship

Here is wonderful Rusty - my oldest daughter's family dog. He is such a love, and I am sad that he is sick - especially since there's not much the vet can do for him. Another thing for the note I'm going to be buried with - I would like God to have our animal companions live longer.

Inspiration and Guidance

"Those who simply turn their backs on their problems are not 'letting go and letting God' - they are abandoning their commitment to act on God's inspiration and guidance." One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 163.

Once a month a group of us get together to share about our practice of Step 3 of the AA program. This month (it being the 3rd month) we are practicing Step 3. The devastating news we received a few days ago was certainly something to turn over in Step 3. I really thought the most I could hope for was comfort for my heart that felt broken all over again. What we actually received was several sweet messages from someone we barely knew who was present for those horrible events of 30 years ago. The messages comforted us and changed our perspective. So, once again I have experienced the power of the 3rd Step!

Here we are in Branson on the trip to visit Liz's uncle and his wife. There was a marvelous water and fire show behind us after we took this picture. What fun!

From L to R - Rebecca, Liz, me (making a face) and Anita, Sam's wife.

I am grateful for sponsors who listen to my sadness and help me work through it. Today I am much better and back on track. My sadness and need to re-think the events of 30 years ago would probably drive me back into my negativity were it not for understanding, loving people to talk to. No one, including me, thinks it would be a good idea for me to put my life totally on hold while I obsess. Some of that is necessary, but not so much as to stop living. After all, I'm 67 and want to make good use of my remaining time!

Forgiveness

My Higher Power tends to wake me up in the middle of the night. I guess that's because it's the only time I'm not thinking. Anyway...I woke up in the middle of the night with the idea that no matter what happened 30 years ago - and I'll never know for sure what actually did - a lot of forgiveness is called for for a lot of people. So, that's what I will do - with the help of God. It's the best thing for me to do for myself, actually. It will bring me peace.

Today I'm feeling better. I've moved from horror to angry self-pity which - awful as it sounds - is a lot better. Poor me - why do I and my family have to suffer so much? Grrr. I will put it on my list of questions to be buried with so I can ask God. But right now I'm feeling determined to fight back and not let the events of 30 years ago - whatever they might have been - tear me down today.

I'm back in town and our visit was wonderful. At the same time that the visit was wonderful we got devastating information from 30 years ago that changed my whole perception of the events of that time. I expect it will take a long time before I even have a comment or opinion about it. I know myself well enough by now to know that I am extremely slow to process difficult information. Right now I feel as if I am a different person than I'm familiar with. My recovery program keeps me grounded and safe.

Brief gap

There will be a brief gap in entries since I will be traveling for the next few days. My oldest daughter and my oldest granddaughter will be going with me to visit my first husband's brother. Odd how family is defined these days! This will be our second trip. About a year ago we visited after about a 35 year absence from one another. It was a terrific experience and I'm looking forward to this visit.

Ahhh #2

Today I visit my massage therapist. Yesterday was the chiropractor and the day before my still point therapist. I am sore but better, I think. I'm following instructions and being very quiet until the whole process has had time to settle in. Being quiet is easy since all I really want to do is sleep after they've worked on me. Not a very interesting life, but necessary.

Mother Hen

One of the major dysfunctional characteristics I have is caretaking (also known as Mother Hen). An old friend used to call me the Earth Mother - which he meant as a compliment. In small amounts perhaps it is a good thing. I'm a fabulous problem solver. It's a talent and I've developed it over the years. I've been paid good money in jobs for this well-developed talent. However, when foisted upon unsuspecting folks, it's annoying. If you tell me about a problem, I will give you all the solutions I can think of on the spot. Of course, if you didn't ask me for them and were only making conversation, well.... I've thought about this a lot and wondered why people some times love my problem-solving and sometimes don't.

I've come to the conclusion that being a mother hen is really about TWO things: 1) I do something to help you and you don't have to do anything. For example, you tell me about your money problems and I give you enough money to make them go away, or 2) I give you all the information I have on how to solve money problems but you have to actually do the work. I would be willing to help but most of it has to be done by you. Guess which one of these things is most welcome to people telling me their troubles? The first one makes them feel nurtured (the Earth Mother) but the second one demands that they grow up and take responsibility. Oh dear!

Ahhh!

I am happy that my massage therapist and still point therapist are both back in town. I have an appointment tomorrow and Saturday. Once I get all that in place again, I'm parking the cane and will see how I do without it. I can schedule physical therapy again as soon as my back stays in alignment. Believe me, all this focus on what my body is doing or not doing is getting boring. But if I forget about it - well, I can't. I still have healing as my purpose but it's a step toward getting more of my life back. I am grateful, though, for how much life I have even with having to work around my physical limitations.

Live and Learn

Stole this graphic from another blogger in recovery and I think I will frame it and hang it on the wall. It's very simple. There are complications for every one of the instructions but it's still wonderful. For example, I have learned that it is possible to hurt people unintentionally. If my side of the street is clean, I can make amends and not carry guilt. It is way too late for me to start accepting defeat. I have way too many years of being carried by a higher power to start believing that quitting is the answer to anything. Having fun and striving to be happy are big challenges for me. For years all I cared about was getting out of pain. Now that I am out of pain, I find I really have to work at having fun and being happy. I didn't have much experience so I have to catch up!

Writers

There are a couple of women writers that when I read them I just open up. Don't ask me what that means. I can't explain it. It's just that they say what's in my heart, and I know there's someone else in the world like me. One of them is Anne Lamott who writes in a very funny way about the most godawful serious stuff. She is in recovery. The other is Melody Beattie. She became famous from just writing about her experience with addiction and co-dependency. I read her first book almost 25 years ago and understood for the first time what was wrong with me. The other books on that subject just lost me. But Melody is writing from her heart and I get it. Her son died in a ski accident when he was 12, which was more than 10 years ago. I totally get why she says she was in grief and unable to function for years since I struggled with the death of my son for more than 20 years before I began to be in acceptance. What I get from these writers is that I am not an "isolated incident" that no one can possibly understand. My reactions and struggles are not something to be ashamed of. At my advanced age it feels good to let myself off the hook.

"We need to tell the story of our loss repeatedly to make it real and to believe that it happened. When we're telling the same story over and over, what we're really doing is working hard to integrate and accept something that's not yet acceptable to us...Is there something we could have done differently? Would that have prevented the loss? We make peace with the senseless by telling the story ten, twenty, one hundred or one thousand times to anyone who'll listen. Obsession is part of the path to surrendering to loss." Melody Beattie. The New Co-Dependency.

I recently rediscovered the Adult Children of Alcoholics program which began in the 80s. I attended some meetings back then but it was so new there wasn't much recovery. I was also new in my own recovery and not ready. I don't know if my mother was alcoholic or not, but I have virtually all the characteristics of an "adult child." I've been attending a few meetings and bought the books. To my surprise I found that a lot of the difficulties in functioning I've had in my life are considered to be traits of adult children. Since the wreck I've had severe symptoms of PTSD and dissociation that have impaired my ability to get things done - thus my todolist obsession. But even before the wreck the same symptoms got in my way a lot. So now I am hoping that the ACA program will free me - even if only partially - from some of the more debilitating difficulties.

One of the common ACA traits that I have is being frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. Heard in a recent ACA meeting in regard to when an angry person attacks: "Sit with the situation and accept it. Then you can respond with love instead of defensiveness. Have compassion for the person and where he/she is. Don't take it personally." Can't do that yet but hope to get there. There are almost no angry people in my life, but from time to time I have to deal with one. So, this is a new way to think about it besides just getting the hell out of there!

THE TODOLIST

"Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing something truly important with my life. Caught up in day-to-day trivialities, it doesn't seem that I accomplish much. Yet I forget that through all of my daily routine,...I am learning how to love myself, my Higher Power and those around me....As I grow in love, I worry less about doing something important...To me there is nothing more important I can do with my life than becoming more loving and spiritual." Hope for Today

For sure I need to remember this when I'm trying to get things checked off the ever present list!

Grrrr

I have several practitioners that I visit on a regular basis to keep my body going in a positive direction. One of them elected to go to California for a funeral and another went to Hawaii for a month. I was right in the middle of trying to give up the cane! I appreciate the fact that they can't schedule their lives around mine so I'm only kidding when I say that it was extremely inconvenient for me. I've been stalled for quite awhile now. In the next couple of weeks they will be back so my hope is that I will be reporting that I've thrown away the cane for good soon!

Another milestone on my journey was the party given for me by my former boss and co-workers this week. The party was a celebration of the progress I've made in my recovery and I was ever so grateful for both the party and the gift they gave me. Although I have no desire to go back to work there because it was the most challenging job I've ever had and I'm not really up for any big challenges, I do appreciate the kindness they all have shown me over the past three years. It has been amazing.

Perception

"The light in our own mind will help dissolve the darkness in someone else's, but only if we refuse to judge or blame them for what we view as their errors...Sometimes we say we have communicated with someone, when all we really did was share our own viewpoint." Marianne Williamson.

I am so grateful for knowing this truth. It keeps me from not listening to anyone else. Like the human being I am, I usually think I'm right and everyone else is wrong if I disagree. It turns out that we may both be right. The only way for me to find out the truth is to listen and try, with the help of God, to understand.

Living with disapproval - even though useful in some ways - is not the greatest of fun. Thanks to self-examination, I don't have to kick myself or get mad. I do, however, have to decide whether to continue to live with it, or let go of the relationship. I loved my job and I was well paid, so I stayed. When it's a friendship, even though I might love the person, the disapproval weighs the friendship down. There's a misperception that can't be changed so the relationship feels unreal in a way.

Living with Disapproval

Here's what I've learned from practicing living with disapproval:

For starters, disapproval from someone is a great time to self-examine to see what truth there is in what they think. There's always some truth, and since I got good at self examination, I find the truth very useful for self improvement. I define being good at self-examination as being able to see myself as I am without pain from seeing my imperfections. I am very imperfect. I've gotten used to that fact. Sometimes it's embarrassing, but usually not painful. I can use the energy I would have used to kick myself to make needed changes in myself.

Then, living with disapproval also motivates me to do a daily inventory on how I've treated other people. Sometimes it takes a bunch of days for me to get to my real motives for what I do, but I tend to grow in respect for other people as I work on this. Slowly; sometimes quickly, I get my side of the street clean with the person who's disapproving of me by treating him/her with respect. This REALLY helps me not take their disapproval personally. As my dear husband used to say, "If I call you a whore, does that make you one?" (His sommaries of spiritual truths tended to be fairly colorful.)

Eventually, usually after some considerable time and effort on my part, I begin to gain some compassion for the other person. There's almost a 100% chance that they are judging me because they are afraid of me in some way. About all I can do about that is to be as harmless as I possibly can and continue to treat them with respect.

Through all this I get happier and more peaceful. Which, by the way, can drive the disapproving person nuts.

When I was very young I was horribly shy and thought I was a very unlikeable person. So, of course, I was backward. Once I was in recovery my first sponsor just kept telling me that it wasn't about what other people thought of me. It was about what I had to contribute to others and whether I was asking for God's will in my life and trying to live it. She said my focus was self-centered which always leads to fear and upset. So, since I was tired of being fearful, I started trying to live the way she suggested. Of course I am pretty imperfect at it, but she was right - I am a happy person when I'm living that way.

Once in awhile, someone who is important in my life disapproves of me. It's only happened a very few times in the last 25 years since I've been in recovery. When it does, I always try to explain (defend myself), but it never has worked. So far, once they've made up their minds that I need to be straightened out, they stick with it. Once the person was my boss, and I finally decided that I was in that job to learn how to live with disapproval when I was as sure as was possible that my side of the street was clean. Eventually that situation got better when the person got feedback from other people that disagreed with her take on me. Once again I have an important person in my life disapproving of me. As far as I'm able to tell, my side of the street is clean. I don't like it but apparently I need another lesson in living with disapproval.

Progress

Today was a good day for progress. Although I've spent the last couple of days resting my back without checking much off my todo/self-discipline list, I'm feeling quite grateful. I accompanied my youngest daughter to a new doctor - a neurologist - and was very pleased with what he had to say and with what kind of person he seems to be. I rarely mention my two youngest - a daughter and a son - because I try to keep my posts short and explanations about my two youngest do not lend themselves to short posts. Suffice it to say for this post that my youngest daughter, who is 37, has a long dreary history of neurological problems, beginning at one year of age. Because she has multiple disabilities, finding a doctor of any kind that would treat her like she was a real human has been an almost impossible struggle. We found this one because he has several other adults with severe disabilities as patients. So, today is a good day for progress. My daughter's well-being depends greatly on the personality, philosophy and skills of her physicians. When she's without good ones, I'm always worried about her at some level. Today I feel a weight being lifted! Yay!

Self Discipline Discovery

This is me when I've finished my "todolist!" Only once in my life have I ever finished a list and I had to stay up almost 24 hours to do it. So, my latest self-discipline project is to just try to do something on the list every day. Baby steps in other words. My list has now shrunk to just one 8 1/2 by 11 inch page. Incredible. I've never had such a short list. And this is while giving first priority to "rest." I've discovered that it is just no use at all to try to do anything unless I've had sufficient rest. In the process of recovery from injury, rest needed can vary enormously from day to day. For example, yesterday was a day when after 11:30 I just rested. Didn't do another thing except answer a couple of phone calls. Read a little bit. Fixed myself a small amount of food. Slept and watched mindless tv. In the past this behavior would have been accompanied by intense and miserable guilt and self-loathing which in turn would wear me out. Yesterday I just accepted that for some unknown reason I needed a huge amount of rest. I feel much more energetic today. It's a weird way to describe self-discipline, but allowing myself to rest almost all day and all night without guilt required all my self-discipline.

Sublime 2009 update

I think this is going to be the year I'm able to walk without support. I'm still doing physical therapy and working on discarding the cane a little at a time. As has happened several times in the past, my back goes out and I have to work with that and it slows me down. However, I'm doing well over all. This journey has been slow, but I have no complaints. It's time for me to take more shoes to the shoe repair place and have them built up on the right side to compensate for my shorter leg. Walking without the cane when there's no compensation for the difference in my legs makes me lurch a bit. I'm working on graceful walking!

Serenity Experiments updated

I've missed quite a few meetings this week. My wellbeing actually shows it. Physically I haven't been up to par and have used that as an excuse to stay home. Of course, as some part of me knew, I would have been better off to take my less-than-well body to a meeting. Nevertheless, I drove 4 1/2 hours to celebrate my granddaughter's 15th birthday and it was surely worth it. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be part of the grandchildren's lives. I remember very well the day she was born. She yelled loudly until she wore herself out and went to sleep. She had the biggest blue eyes I had ever seen in my life! Even the yelling is a happy memory.

More on Self Discipline

Change/self discipline or anything else related is difficult, or nearly impossible for me. I am a truly undisciplined person. So I am in a constant struggle with myself to improve in this area. It seems to me that there are two parts to work on - one is composed of the day-to-day chores that if left undone or done late create chaos and messes everywhere - such as paying the bills, doing the dishes and laundry, making the bed, errands - and on and on. Then there's the part that's composed of the actions or non-actions that move my life forward or keep it on hold - such as anything to do with work or creativity and my spiritual practices.

My usual way of handling these areas is to bounce back and forth, with one or the other taking precedence but not really getting anywhere with either area until the chaos and messes catch up and my fear of consequences causes me to take action. Around the first of every year I vow to clean these things up and every year I make a tiny bit of progress and then go backward. For the last three years I've had a wonderful excuse - my recovery from the wreck. But truly I've needed every bit of self-discipline I could summon to do the work of recovery. So here I am at the beginning of another year with the goal of improving in the area of self-discipline. This time I'm really looking at what the barriers are and looking for ways to get over or around them.

Some of my barriers are just expecting myself to "just do it" when I don't have the information on how to "just do it." Some of my deficits of information are time management skills, the need for really thinking through what I want to do and visualizing these activities, and practicing them. Then there's the problem of "why" and I've been using the "if I were a good person I would be self-disciplined" motivation. That always fails. Maybe a better "why" would be that I could build a better life for myself with better self-discipline. Another barrier is my self-image as a free spirit. In my mind, free spirits don't practice self discipline. It really messes up my image of myself badly. But I think free spirits like myself probably spend way too much time in chaos and trying to clean up messes caused by lack of self-discipline. This free spirit could use the extra time created by practicing self-discipline to be free.

Sublime 2009 - the year of my freedom from chaos and messes!

Self Discipline, continued

"Self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you train it, the stronger you become. The less you train it, the weaker you become. Just as everyone has different muscular strength, we all possess different levels of self-discipline. Everyone has some — if you can hold your breath a few seconds, you have some self-discipline. But not everyone has developed their discipline to the same degree." Steve Pavlina

Steve suggests we start developing the muscle of self-discipline from wherever we are at this point. Then he gives us a way of inventorying where we are. I really hate this:

Do you shower/bathe every day?
Do you get up at the same time every morning? Including weekends?
Are you overweight?
Do you have any addictions (caffeine, nicotine, sugar, etc.) you’d like to break but haven’t?
Is your email inbox empty right now?
Is your office neat and well organized?
Is your home neat and well organized?
How much time do you waste in a typical day? On a weekend?
If you make a promise to someone, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
If you make a promise to yourself, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
Could you fast for one day?
How well organized is your computer’s hard drive?
How often do you exercise?
What’s the greatest physical challenge you’ve ever faced, and how long ago was it?
How many hours of focused work do you complete in a typical workday?
How many items on your to do list are older than 90 days?
Do you have clear, written goals? Do you have written plans to achieve them?
If you lost your job, how much time would you spend each day looking for a new one, and how long would you maintain that level of effort?
How much TV do you currently watch? Could you give up TV for 30 days?
How do you look right now? What does your appearance say about your level of discipline (clothes, grooming, etc)?
Do you primarily select foods to eat based on health considerations or on taste/satiety?
When was the last time you consciously adopted a positive new habit? Discontinued a bad habit?
Are you in debt? Do you consider this debt an investment or a mistake?
Did you decide in advance to be reading this blog right now, or did it just happen?
Can you tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Next weekend?
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your overall level of self-discipline?
What more could you accomplish if you could answer that last question with a 9 or 10?

I have a little work to do in these areas. Of course, this is only one guy's opinion about self-discipline, but these are not bad ideas for developing self-discipline.

More to come.

Serenity Experiments update

I'm continuing the experiment of going to a meeting every day through the month of February. I legitimately missed three meetings due to ice. And then I missed a couple due to being checked out. Now I'm back on track with a meeting every day. I can't really tell whether I'm actually doing myself any BIG good, but certainly I am reminded every day that I am in need of conscious contact with God. By being reminded every day, I keep turning over my thoughts, emotions, and problems to God. What a blessing. I am reminded of the very real fact that I am a lot more powerless than I like to think, but that God is powerful and can run my world and THE world quite well.

If we waste time and energy talking about past injustices or old mistakes, we are unwittingly calling them back into our lives. We are bringing back garbage that should have been discarded permanently to make room for better things. ~Walk in Dry Places.

It took a lot of years in recovery before I was able to use the tools of the program to rid my mind of past injustices and old mistakes - mine or other people's. I am so grateful for the people I'm surrounded with who remind me when I get stuck there again. The only useful thing about thinking and talking about injustices and mistakes is to learn what I need to learn so that I don't repeat them and let other people off the hook for theirs. After that - I can enjoy my life.

"Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. " Steve Pavlina

I just found a blog that has a myriad of articles on such subjects as how to get yourself out of bed when the alarm goes off, etc It looks like I could sit here all day and just read this guy's posts and entertain myself without having to make any changes. Since I don't have all day (it's time for me to get ready and go for an appointment), I will just say that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that we recovering alcoholics are undisciplined people. It says that several times. I need to read Steve's stuff and see if it helps. I love the above definition. In the beginning of his article he says something like - wouldn't it be wonderful if when you noticed you were 20 lbs overweight, you just said, oops! I'm going to lose 20 lbs and then just did it!?

Courage to Change

I wonder why the Serenity Prayer says, "courage to change the things I can." Just today I started wondering about it. Hmmm. I've been saying this prayer for years - sometimes several times a day - and I just now wondered why it takes courage to change... Maybe because it's hard to admit that a change is needed. But it doesn't say that. It says, "courage TO change." Probably the answer is that for me any change is fearful. Even when things are really crappy, it's somehow more comfortable to stick with the familiar. No wonder I have to have a higher power helping in order to make a change.

Serenity Experiments update

I'm allowing days off from meetings when I think I need "rest" - which really means I'm checking out -retreating - allowing my mind, emotions and body to process and integrate the events I'm living with. I've checked this out with my mentors and advisors, and we agree - apparently I really need to do this and fighting it is useless. So - why not manage it so that it serves my well being instead of tormenting me with guilt. Boy, does that help. Having experienced some drama and upset a few days ago, in one of my important relationships (I was indeed being obnoxious without really realizing it, and paid a big price since I got a long rant from the other person about my being a control freak), I'm taking some days off to recover. I went to a meeting on Saturday but not Sunday. I did talk to one of my sponsors on Sunday. No meeting yesterday either but spent a couple of hours with another of my sponsors. Today the world is iced over so I have a wonderful excuse for hibernating.

"I have learned that, if we set our minds to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful...Be done with it!...Today I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what's good and right in my life. Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

The idea of turning our lives and our will over to the care of God is a very revolutionary thing to do. We are being told, "Let go of your excessive carefulness. Let the spirit guide you." When we are in touch with ourselves, with the people around us, with God, we are free to experiment. We don't learn from doing the same things correctly again and again. We learn from trying new things and making mistakes. Over control is spiritually deadening. This is a program of life. Our renewal is a miraculous event. Why stop now? We can be in touch with the messages around us without trying to control the outcome. When we let God do the worrying, we find many possibilities open up. As this adventure of life unfolds, I will not shy away from it. ~Touchstones

I love the idea of letting go of excessive carefulness. I am just a human being. I can't see all the dangers. I can't see the future. It's fruitless to even try. I can refrain from jumping off tall buildings but for other less obvious dangers, I must let spirit guide me. This guidance tells me that no matter what happens, I will be all right.

THE SIX FOOT LONG PURPLE TAIL

Someone told me that a way to recognize one's character defects was to listen carefully to what people tell you about yourself. If one person tells you that you have a six foot long purple tail, don't pay any attention. That's obviously crazy. But if a second person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should probably look. But if a third person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should just go ahead and make an appointment with a surgeon to have it removed.

From following this advice, I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know. I usually have no idea I have certain traits until someone tells me. One of the beautiful things about being in recovery is that my fellow travelers will almost always tell me what they see if I ask. I hate asking. But it's been valuable.

We have a new president. It gave me joy to see the joyful, hopeful faces of the millions who came to bear witness. My hope is that unlike Christmas, we will continue to be hopeful and helpful all through the next four years.

I stole this image from another recovering blogger's site. It's what I get from meetings. I'm always incredibly grateful when I leave a meeting. I've been reminded of who and what I am. I have received the miracle of a second chance at life.

I've been asked to share my story at my home group's open meeting tonight. Another great way to assess where I am in my journey even though I really don't like speaking that much. However, even though I don't like it, I always need to hear what I have to say.

Serenity Experiments update

Missed Monday. Was just not able to get myself to head for the meeting I'd chosen. I was very tired so rested instead. Tuesday I got to give a wonderful friend his 8 year chip. What an honor. Wednesday I attended a meeting I'd never been to before and saw a friend from 25 years ago that I hadn't seen in years. Today I went to a noon meeting and saw some more people I hadn't seen before. All three meetings reminded me that serenity comes from surrender.

Serenity experiment update: Meeting at noon yesterday was about the effects of an environment where addictions rule. Reminded me again of the importance and urgency of being aware of my hard wiring lest it get me into trouble in my current life. Meeting today: learning to recognize when I'm being affected by my past hardwiring so that I can change! Good stuff.

Serenity Experiments

When I first came into a 12 step program, I had a sponsor that suggested I treat using the tools of the program as experiments - in other words, try something for awhile and see what effect it had. The first suggestion she made was that I go to a meeting every day for two weeks and see what happened. Well, I didn't do a very good job of following that suggestion because I was too flaky to be consistent. But I managed at least part of a meeting six days out of seven and went to two on Saturday. Lo and behold! I felt SO much better. My flakiness diminished and my emotional pain was drastically reduced. That made a believer out of me. From then on, I tried out every suggestion at least for awhile. Some of them worked better than others but I learned how to use the tools of the program in my own life.

Right now I'm at another transition point in my life. I don't like transition points. They require decisions. They require change. I'm feeling unsettled and flaky. I'm in a certain amount of emotional pain. BUT it's time. My leg is almost healed. I'm almost finished with the projects I'm doing for my old employer. It occurs to me that serenity is the state of mind I most need when I'm at a transition point. Oh yes, I sarcastically say to myself, it is probable that the tools of the program could work again in this situation.

So, my first experimental tool will be a meeting every day from now until the end of the month.

Happiness

"If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good." Maya Angelou

It's been my experience that this is totally true. Even if I have to shove myself out of a screaming black depression to contribute something in the world, it's always a way to happiness - even if just for a moment!

Sublime 2009

Rebecca and Kristin at Hideway Pizza after The Nutcracker. Here here's me, Rebecca and her boyfriend at The Nutcracker. Then here are my two precious daughters at Hideaway's Pizza. Here's me cracking up over pizza after seeing The Nutcracker. My oldest granddaughter's boyfriend made me laugh like crazy!

Say goodbye to the crutch. According to my xray, the femur in my leg that's been broken for 3 1/2 years appears to be very nearly healed. I've switched to the cane and plan to be walking without support as soon as the muscles in my leg are strong enough. Another transition time. Another time for gratitude!

Lessons Learned

"...It's not our disagreements that wound; it's our criticism, attack, and blame that wound...So it is that when we disagree with someone, our prayer should not be that their eyes be opened to our point of view, but that our eyes be opened to theirs." Everyday Grace. Marianne Williamson.

This would require a lot more humility than I have at this point in my growth. But it seems to me that this is what's up for me right now. Not only to understand, but to let the other person know that I understand. This last experiment in love ended with disagreements galore and hurt feelings on the other person's part. My part was my confidence that I was right. I realize that I'm almost always sure I'm right. Not good. I miss out on new information that way. So, the gift I take away from the experiment, is the gift of awareness that I need more humility. It isn't necessary for me to be right.

Don't tarry too long to mourn...;celebrate and rejoice in the new. The past is over. Wipe the dirt off your feet. Marianne Williamson. A Woman's Worth

It's always hard for me to know how much grief is enough or to trust my feelings. I tend toward sinking into compulsive self-examination and then despair. I don't think I need to do that now. I think I will celebrate and rejoice in the now instead.

We are always responsible for our own sobriety. Beyond that, we're also responsible for maintaining good attitudes and making sure that our own anger and pride do not make any situation worse than it already is. ~Walk in Dry Places

A wounded heart is always a good excuse for me to get angry and prideful and try to make myself the victim. That always - in the past - has made things a lot worse. It doesn't reduce my pain - just distracts me momentarily. Far better to feel the pain and then distract myself with other activities and thoughts. I need help from my higher power and other people to stay in sanity. I am so grateful for friends and family that are willing to be my support.

short time love

Grrr. New love; good-bye love. No regrets. It was worth the risk AND all the things I feared did happen. So now I am sad and feel a lot like I just fell out of a third story window and hit the ground hard. It was still worth the risk. Having a chance to love is always worth the risk.

Today I will accept whre I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings. The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie

Justification

"Heaven protect me from my good friends who with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, and justify my complaints." One Day at a Time in Alanon

I love that the friends I have now don't cut me any slack! I've had an upper respiratory infection for a few days and was sick enough to go to bed a few times. But no one gave me any pity. They didn't give me any pity for the resentments I was about to nourish, either. (When I'm sick, I get picky about other people's behavior.) I remember when my favorite activity was to get on the phone and complain for hours to my friends while they gave me agreement and pity - and I got sicker and sicker. Self-pity and complaining just kept me unhappy. I wanted to be "right" so that I could feel better about myself. Ego again - the source of all misery for me. I don't know who is right or wrong. I just want to live from the heart because that makes me happy and peaceful.

Seeing Myself

I love being in recovery. Being in recovery and loving someone are pretty much chained together with big thick links for me. I am feeling vulnerable. It's pretty scary trying to love someone who sees my faults and shortcomings. Hmmm. What will happen? I work on my shortcomings but they are still there. When they bother someone I love, I want to change really bad. I would much rather be seen as the perfect person I wish I was. I know that I have to have help to change though and wanting to be perfect isn't a good reason. Besides, I'm not actually in control here. If I were I would already be perfect. So, I get to see myself through someone else's eyes and tolerate the vulnerable feelings that come with love and not being perfect. Of course, he isn't perfect either. That helps - a lot.

Season of Love

I like the idea of mistletoe being a symbol of the Christmas season. It might be a little out of fashion, but maybe it should come back into fashion. I have experienced so many losses in my life that everything is filtered through that knowledge. If we only have the present moment and no guarantees of anything more, and since this is the season of love, mistletoe hung everywhere for a reminder to kiss and hug each other while we still can....

Hope

Autumn can be a sad time or a hopeful time for me. Something about cooling weather and falling leaves used to bring on sadness. Now - especially now - I am hopeful. I'm sure it has a lot to do with new love and a new, very different president. I hope for much this next year - hope for opportunities to make a difference in the world, hope for opportunities to contribute to a special person's life, hope for more love shared with family and friends, and hope for my continued recovery. It occurs to me that my hope often comes from gratitude for gifts I've been given. And that would be true again this year.

Gratitude

Who knew gratitude would be such a source of power? For most of my life holidays made me feel sad because I knew they would be terrible. Actually, they weren't always terrible but I felt that I wasn't living up to what I was supposed to do or be at the holidays. Early in recovery I was taught that what I put into being happy and grateful for what I did do or be would be enough. And sure enough it was. That was the foundation for doing and being more and more of what I wanted to do and be. So, now I am grateful for the holidays - however they turn out - because it's another opportunity for fun, family, friends and love.

Anti-depressant

I'm trying to remember when I last remembered to take my anti-depressant. It may have been two or three days. Usually when I miss even one, I suddenly feel as if I weigh enough to sink into the earth. I now feel just fine. I'm going to keep taking these things because it's not a good idea to just stop. I'm just very interested in the fact that being given the gift of loving someone has raised my spirits so much that I'm depression free. An extra gift, that is.

Changes

I've been stalling trying to think what I could say about the recent changes in my life that would fit in a paragraph. I still don't know, but the vacant space on my blog is too much. So, here goes: A dear friend for the past three or more years, recently proposed that we take our relationship further. I was so surprised I had to take time to think about it. It really wasn't the best idea for him and I gave him all those reasons, but he said he didn't care. I'd been carefully staying on the back side of the friendship line with him because I had no idea of being in any kind of romantic relationship and because I had no idea he was thinking of any such thing. But as it turns out....

So all is well. Marvelously well, actually. There's more I could say but not now.

Surrender

...I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission - it means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own....(which is) undertaking, one day at a time, the monumental task of setting (my) world in order through a change in (my) own thinking. One Day at a Time in Alanon

Probably I should make a list of the things that I forget over and over and over. The surrender thing is one of them. I am hard wired to never ever ever give up. I had a friend once who called me bulldog because he said I was persistent to the point of insanity. And, of course, it was always about my trying to change something that I didn't have the power to change. All my intelligence, energy and creativity went into trying to change things I couldn't change, which left nothing for changing the things I could.

Then there's the thing about changing my thinking. I thought, "what in the world does my thinking have to do with it?" It took years before I accepted that my thinking was creating my world and that it was actually possible to change my thinking. My goal is to keep my thinking focused on the good I'm trying to create in my world - with the guidance of my Higher Power (a force for good in the universe). My world DOES change with my thinking!

Is Cleaning House Actually Important?

I grew up in a household where nothing was put away, nothing was cleaned, dishes were not washed, and there was a coating of black Cocker Spaniel fur on everything. My mother smoked which made everything in the environment sticky - all the better for dog hair to stick to it. When I was seven, my mother decided that it should be my job to clean the house. Unfortunately, I got no instructions on how to do it. I was a pretty precocious kid, but this was beyond me. I washed dishes after a fashion, I tried to dust and run the vacuum. I did a really bad job. I could hardly tell any difference when I finished because of all the "stuff" sitting around. My mother always said that when she saw a clean house, she knew that boring people lived there because they thought about cleaning and spent their time cleaning.

After I left home, I kept house pretty much the same way. There was always a shedding dog and I smoked. As I accumulated kids, the clutter grew. I was married twice during those years - first to a person who didn't care at all and then to someone who liked things neat and clean. Unfortunately, the neat and clean husband wasn't willing to spend very much time neatening and cleaning. He did some but quickly became discouraged. I tried really hard to get the kids to clean, but they were not as afraid of me as I was of my mother, so sometimes they cleaned and sometimes they didn't and the mess grew.

Eventually I made it into recovery. At first my mess didn't bother me. Then I started throwing everything from the rest of the house into my bedroom, which made it almost impossible to walk in there. I married again to a person who liked things neat and clean but who in his heart of hearts really thought it was "women's work." BOTH of us smoked and both of us were messy. Oh dear. Sooner or later, usually later, one of us would get overwhelmed by the mess and start cleaning. Then the other one would feel guilty and clean. So sometimes things were clean and sometimes they weren't. About a year and a half into recovery, both of us stopped smoking - which did cut down on the dog hair sticking to everything.

Then I grew in recovery and woke up to the fact that cleaning house wasn't about some rule somebody made but about serenity and beauty. I began to think enough of myself to want my surroundings to be serene and beautiful. In the year 2000 we had a fire and lost most of our belongings. We didn't replace a lot of stuff so in a way the fire helped us get rid of clutter. Since then my motive for cleaning is to give myself the gift of a lovely place to live. And sure enough I have a lovely place to live and it nurtures me. So I guess the answer to the question of whether cleaning house is actually important is: it depends on the goal. If I'm just trying to follow the rules - probably not. If I want to nurture myself, the answer is, "yes, defnitely."

Salt and Pepper

The 70s were a time of great upheaval and a time of great interest in self-improvement and being happier. I read tons of books but wasn't much improved or happier until I had the foundation of recovery to build on. One of the many books I read was A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships. I think the author was Ken Keyes. The main thing I remember from the book was that we should know what we want from other people and we should always ask for it - once. He suggested that we use the voice tone that we would use to ask someone to pass the salt and pepper. Boy is that ever hard. But it's a far more peaceful way than demanding instead of requesting. So, the "salt and pepper" voice is a staple in our family - or at least that's what we strive for.

Dr Dreamy

The trip to the doctor was a pretty good one. Xrays look good but since we don't believe them, I will go for a ct scan and then we'll see how the femur really is. If that looks good, I'll be able to get on the cane. Yay! That would mean I will have one hand free and can carry something. Also, I'm released to use my left leg (from which they took a huge amount of bone to graft the other leg), as much as I want which will give me the ability to take a bath and use that leg to lift me out of the tub. It also means I can do some yoga poses that will really help my back. Yay again!

On the down side - I now have osteopina which means my bones in my legs are losing calcium from non-weight bearing for long periods. The up side is that there's a new drug that helps bone cell growth that might be useful. Down side again - the drug costs $700 a month and requires that I give myself a shot every day. Grrrr. Whatever. I will find a way to do whatever it takes. Still on the downside - I told Dr. Dreamy that I occasionally took a few steps without support since I thought it was safe to experiment. He turned a very bright red and hid his face in his hands. I knew then that I had been very very bad. He was nice about it but said I was not to do that anymore so okay I won't.

Final upside - I asked the hard question which was "what do we do if this never heals?" He said, "It will heal because we will keep grafting it until it does." I will now quit thinking about other alternatives like amputation. I don't want to give up and so I won't since I have his thinking on my side.

Day of Reckoning

I'm always nervous before the doctor appointments. I love/hate them. I always hope we'll look at the xrays and see a solid bone instead of a hole in my femur. Tomorrow I'm going to have the heart to heart talk about what the hell do we do if the damn thing never heals. I'm not looking forward/am looking forward to it. Grrrrrrrr.

I was lonely because I kept myself separate from people. I saw them as being different from myself, and so I remained the lonely and isolated victim. Strange how similar we are when we begin to share. When we get beneath culture, class and creed, we discover sensitive human beings trying to make sense of their lives. We need each other. ~Fr Leo

I spent most of my life until recovery feeling as if I was just not a worthy person. After hearing other people's stories again and again in recovery, I realized that underneath all our "acts," we are the same. I don't worry much now about what other people think of me.

Opening Our Hearts in Hell

I read the above phrase in Stephen Levine's book, Unattended Sorrow. I am reminded of it because I'm reading the Alanon book on grief (again). It talks about the propensity it seems most of us have to shut down feelings of grief. Those feelings are way too painful so we just shut down. Of course, that doesn't work. I think I need more work in this area. I spent this last weekend with some members of my high school graduating class and it was quite lovely. It's odd to me how much I enjoy these outings when I was very unhappy in high school. It probably should be another whole topic to explore. However, I noticed how much I missed Ron. He would have enjoyed the weekend so much. He was such a great companion to explore the world with. He was always enthusiastic about new things, and my pleasure was greatly enhanced by sharing with him.

Tough Communication

This time the article I read was in Psychology Today, and it was about communicating with someone who likes to explode when asked to change his/her behavior. Been there - on both sides of this one. My opinion is that exploding and throwing fits is very bad for relationships. I know that seems pretty obvious but apparently this type of communication is fairly common with couples. What I hear - and what I've thought myself - is that "I can't help it." "He/she is going to have to change - stop yelling at me - and then I'll be able to change." Well, that doesn't work either.

So, here's the answer according to the article: When neither of you are mad, sit down and talk about it without exploding. Just say, "I'm not willing to keep on having these horrible episodes. It's hurting both of us. I want us to have some ground rules for talking about problems: Talk reasonably and kindly. Try to find solutions that meet both of our needs. Do you agree?" If he/she does not agree, say: "I'm going to try to talk to you in a kind way, and if you explode I'm going to leave for 10 minutes to give you a chance to calm down, and then I'm going to try again. If you still can't talk reasonably, I will stop talking to you and leave again. You will have left me to solve the problem without your input, and you might not like the solution I come up with." Then the article says that you will need to solve the problem in such a way that he/she cannot do what they've done before. The example was that the husband invited guests without asking her first. When she tried to talk to him about it, he blew up and walked out - which was how he usually reacted when she asked him to change something. So, the writer of the article suggested that if he wouldn't agree to talking out the problem without exploding, she just tell him she would not be there to hostess guests if he invited people without asking her. And then make good on her promise by leaving and spending the day elsewhere if he did it again.

Well, I wonder how that would have worked with the people I used to have screaming fights with. Since I'm not in a relationship like that now, I won't have a chance to practice it. But it would certainly change the dynamics - and that couldn't help but be a good thing.

Tricky Business

I hate criticism. It hate to give it. I hate even worse to get it. I want nothing but positive feedback, thank you very much! I actually have people in my life that pretty much give me nothing but positive feedback. When I was supervising people I never did get the evaluation thing down. And I certainly never did get good at asking for what I wanted in my intimate/partnership relationships. I was a doormat until I couldn't stand it any more and then I blew up and attacked. I have noticed that many people (especially men, it seems to me) hear negative criticism when they're asked to do something differently or asked for help. Just the fact that I asked was enough to make sure that he would never, ever do whatever it was. It might have been a control issue or a self-esteem issue or both.

So, imagine my delight in reading about how to give and receive criticism even though I'm not supervising people and am not living in partnership with anyone right now. In the grander scheme of things when I'm looking at priorities, learning to motivate rather than chastise, seems to be a big priority. The latest issue of Real Simple has a good article on how to give and receive "motivation."

First, learn to see feedback/motivation as a good thing - a useful tool. Second, answer these questions: 1) What's working ? 2) What's not working? 3) What can we do together to fix it? Try to give feedback in such a way as to let the person feel appreciated for what's working and optimistic about changes. You could say things like, "I really appreciate...." "It would be great if you could..." "It would mean a lot if you could..."

When you're receiving feedback, ask the questions of the other person so that you're clear about what he/she wants. Listen without disagreeing or arguing. Take notes. Assume the other person has a good point. Maybe you can learn some new skills - maybe it would be fun!

Let me remember

Last weekend was Heart to Heart weekend and it was the 12th year I've gone to it. It's a retreat for 100 women in 12 Step programs.

For the first few years that I went, the effect of the weekend on me was dramatic. I let go of much of the pain I had carried all my life - always feeling as if I was unlovable, mother guilt, grief. Then going to Heart to Heart became about just seeing what would happen. Sometimes something big happened; sometimes not. Whether or not something big happened, I always came back happier and more solid in my relationship with God.

In the last guided meditation we do on Sunday morning, a song is played called "Let me remember - I am one with God." That always stands out for me, and it did again this year. I am always comforted and released from feeling alone.

This year for the first time, I started hearing things to tell someone else - which is always a dangerous thing. I went ahead and shared them anyway. They didn't have quite the effect I had hoped (that's why it's dangerous) but I'm working on clearing that up. I'm making a note: beware of sharing something you heard for someone else!

Having forgiven ourselves and others, and having made amends, we need no punishment. We will work to succeed in all of our activities, with a reasonable expectation of success most of the time. We will expect and deserve the best. ~

This is so BIG! It took so long for me to really believe this. The habit of self-hate kept returning over and over again. But I really do believe this now even though I have to work at believing it.

Onward

I'm throwing a whole bunch of stuff at this healing thing - a new massage therapy that I'm doing once a week, some type of yoga and this new physical therapy. I've been laughing out loud at some of the stuff the physical therapist tells me to do. The first couple of times I try, nothing happens at all. I think I'm trying to move muscles that haven't moved since 200 5. So I laugh because nothing happens. Eventually I'm able to move my leg the way I'm instructed but it's very very tough. When I do the laughing thing, the pt tells me to double the number of times I do it. I figured that out - if it seems impossible, do twice as many reps. Luckily I can actually do it. Who knew I would be laughing when my leg won't move when I tell it to. I have no idea what this means. After I finish the workout, I feel dizzy and a little sick at my stomach and have to lie down when I get home. I don't know what that means either. But in a few hours I have no further pain in my hip. That's a very good thing.

Crutches

It's been two or three weeks now since I was released to get around on crutches. Since my back has been painful, I haven't done a lot with them. I revert to the wheelchair when I have to carry something as crutches take both hands. Even with those limitations, my ambulation with the crutches is going pretty well. I don't have to think as much about what I'm doing. My body is celebrating being upright. It feels good!

The well is God's; I bring the buckets.

May I be aware always that God's power and peace are a bottomless well within me. I can draw bucket after bucket from it to refresh and purify my life. All I need to supply are the buckets and the rope. The water is mine - free, fresh, healing and unpolluted. A Day at a Time

Here's where I am on the journey: Most recently I went to the new physical therapist my surgeon sent me to. This visit was strictly for the purpose of evaluation. He tested my strength and flexibility, and since I never want to be thought of as a wimp, I really put everything I had into it. And he was really impressed - that's what he said. Of course, the next day I was miserable with back strain and pain in various other parts of my body which was a great reminder that my ego isn't on my side! Also, this weekend is the third anniversary of the wreck. I'm finding myself really missing Ron. I just wish I could talk to him and hug him. I am grateful for the power and peace of God.

Saved

"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." Reinhold Niebuhr

I was loved before I found recovery, but I didn't believe it so it did me no good. When I had told my first sponsor all the worst things about me and she still loved me I had to believe that she loved the real me. Ron said the thing that saved him was that people told him, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." From living close to him for 22 years, I truly believe that somewhere in there he stopped loving himself and letting other people love him. As a result, he stopped caring whether he lived or died and so died before his time. I wonder how many other people die before their time because they don't care about themselves.

If You Knew

What if you knew you'd be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips along the life line's crease.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn't signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won't say Thank you, I don't remember
they're going to die.

A friend told me she'd been with her aunt.
They'd just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt's powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon's spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
- Ellen Bass

This is something I know but forget. I shouldn't. I've experienced five sudden and tragic deaths of dearly loved people in my life. One day they were here; the next minute they weren't. But I still forget. When I was angry with Ron and said something mean to him, I would think, "I'll regret this after he dies. But I don't care." Sure enough, I did regret it.

Forgiveness

"Be slow to take offense if indeed you ever take offense at all. For being offended gains you nothing and can cost you much.

Have patience with the mistakes and follies of others. Instead of harsh criticism, offer genuinely helpful feedback so that everyone benefits.

Forgive early and forgive often. Set yourself free from the heavy burden of resentment, and move quickly beyond the pain."
Ralph Marston

I've had too much time on my hands while I was waiting to recover from surgery and so managed to collect a few resentments. I talked to one of my spiritual advisors and realized that I was just afraid that a couple of precious friends were displeased with me. Instead of feeling that, I got angry that they "insulted" me. In one instance, I decided to ask the person what he meant when he said what he said. That cleared it up and I could let it go. In the other instance, I decided to cut the person some slack. It's the first time in our over 10 year long friendship that she's said anything even vaguely critical so I certainly could let one time go.

I used to hurt myself a lot through the behavior of others. I am so grateful to have been taught that I need not take anything personally. It is my responsibility to keep my side of the street clean. Once I've done that, I can feel free to forgive. Of course, it's only necessary to forgive if I've taken offense; so a better way is to simply not take offense in the first place!

Eyebrow lowering experiences

In the dream I'm a man who is preparing for a job interview. In an effort to look calm and relaxed, I am trimming my eyebrows so that they look lower on my face - which somehow I think will make me look calm and relaxed. I dreamed this about a year ago and my daughter found it very funny. We can get a good laugh just by talking about whether something is an "eyebrow lowering" experience or not. It's no wonder I dreamed about my eyebrows. I've worried about them my whole life. They just don't look right, and I never have known what to do about it. I had an anesthician shape them but it didn't help. Finally, I went to Ulta to get something to fix my eyebrows. My daughter insisted that I get help from the staff. So, I went home with a rather expensive "eyebrow kit" with brushes, pencils, wax and stencils. Get that? Stencils! You have a choice of several different types of eyebrows. You put the one you choose over your eyebrow and color it in in that shape. Then you get rid of any eyebrow that doesn't fit in the stencil. Voila! I have correctly shaped eyebrows and have solved a life-long problem.

"The moment a thing seems wrong to you or a person's actions to be not what you think they should be, at that moment begins your obligation and responsibility to pray for those wrongs to be righted or that person to be changed. What is wrong in your surroundings or in the people you know? Think about these things and make these matters your responsibility. Not to interfere or be a busybody, but to pray that a change may come through your influence. You may see lives altered and evils vanish. Twenty -Four Hours a Day

Well, what a lovely way to say, "mind your own business." If you believe in the power of prayer like I do - if only to believe that prayer changes the person who is praying - this could be pretty powerful. I hear people say, (and I've said this myself) "I know I'm powerless and there's nothing I can do about this." But the truth is I can pray.

End-Of-Life-Sloth

I'm re-reading The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda. I used to read these books in order to kick myself out of self-pity and into action. I don't suffer as much from self-pity as I did in those days. I know who's making the choices in my life now. But I'm still plagued by sloth! Now that I have a good excuse for inaction, I use it and really enjoy whole days of doing absolutely nothing. Too much of that and I fall into depression though. So, back to what used to inspire me to act like a grown up and use a little self discipline. Don Juan says there are four enemies: fear, clarity, power and old age. We acquire these enemies by trying to learn to acquire wisdom/knowledge - at first the process will make us very afraid. If we don't give in to fear, we acquire clarity which can seduce us into believing we know everything and the antidote is humility. Once we've acquired clarity, we will become powerful. There are all sorts of ways to misuse power - we should always follow paths with "heart" instead. Finally, of course, is old-age. We will feel incredibly tired all the time and want to give in to our overwhelming desire to rest instead of living out our destiny right up until death. I think this is where I am. Creating a new life at my age with my disabilities is hugely challenging. However, if I let my end-of-life sloth take over, I will surely die an early death from sheer boredom. If I take good care of my body, I should be able to live out my destiny since sloth and boredom don't entice me at all - beloved Law and Order re-runs not withstanding.

Now I see clearly

I've spend a good deal of time this week re-reading old journals from 2004 (the year before the wreck). I do this from time to time just to measure progres - or lack of it. I decided I should do it more often because I see so clearly what was wrong then. I had severe sleep problems due to back pain and anxiety. Yet I kept trying to get up at 4:30 in the morning to get all the housework and financial stuff done before I went to work. I hardly ever made it up at that hour since I had had very little sleep. Well, I could go on and on but I won't. The point is - unrealistic expectations of myself. I still have them. I think I will get off my case.

I saw a re-run of an Oprah show awhile back that had several metaphysical gurus on. One of the things they talked about was that if you were looking for a romantic partner, you should just make a list of the characteristics you wanted in that person, then put the list away and wait. Theoretically the person will eventually show up. So, I thought I would make a list even though I'm not looking for a romantic partner. Well, here's where I am in my grieving process - I decided I wanted Ron - just without the health problems that interfered in our closeness and without the crisis addiction and money problems. There would still be enough negatives to make the person quite human and plenty irritating. I really self-examined if that was really how I felt and it was. This is interesting. I just don't visualize anyone else when I think of romance.

Seven Questions

A very long time ago, I found seven questions to be used every day, but especially in times of emotional disturbance and confusion. They were helpful to me, so I passed them on to other people. As I often do, I kind of forget about them, and then someone I passed them on to will thank me. Then, of course, I have to find them and use them again.

In this past three years I've felt a lot like a small child looking for guidance since nothing in my world now resembles the person I was and the life I led before the wreck. I just re-found the 7 questions today and will use them to guide me again.

1. Today I feel...
2. What I most want right now is...
3. What I need right now is...
4. What I'm most afraid of is...
5. I am grateful for...
6. What is the truth of my experience right now?
7. If I could reclaim my life, I would...

I'm grateful for all the loving people in my life. I'm grateful for my seemingly inborn adaptability. I'm not going to be reclaiming the life I had. It's my job to create a new one. That is very difficult when I'm always waiting... waiting for a surgery, waiting to heal from a surgery... waiting to be told by the doctor whether I can drive, walk, etc. But it's going to have to be possible to create a life in the midst of waiting because I get way too squirreley when I have to sit and wait for life to begin. So, I pretend I'm not waiting and just forge ahead. When I have to stop, I do the best I can to put everything on hold for just as long as necessary and not a minute longer. I try not to start things that require my actual presence unless there's a way to put them on hold. So far, this approach is working fairly well but I still feel squirreley - like I don't have an actual life. So, 7 questions will be answered every day. I'm grateful to whoever gave me these questions.

fires and floods

Where should I send this idea? Why doesn't some entrepreneur or do gooder catch the rain that's falling in a potential flood zone and transport it to California to put out fires. Maybe there's no money in it but I'll bet land owners in both areas would kick in some serious money. I think about this every time fire and flood season starts.

Love

"While we are born with a perfect capacity to love, each of us is tempted by the realities of life to withhold our love and defend against pain. Compassion, defenselessness, and unconditional love are much easier to express before we become aware of how dangerous life and love can be. Only very small children - and saints - are really very good at it. Yet our alternative... is to slide down the slippery slope to hell. Marianne Williamson. Everyday Grace.

My defense against all the dangers of life and love is my connection with God, and God gives me the realization that if those I love don't treat me well it's because they are not loving themselves at the time and so can't love anyone else. I don't have to take it personally. Easier said than done! But still true. I'm noticing that I'm seeing a lot of lack of self love in other people and myself. So, I'm working on cutting myself some slack. I'm not doing a lot of the things I want to do with the level of perfection I think I should. I'm still getting up in the morning and doing what I can, though. For now that's good enough!