Tuesday, August 05, 2008


I'm re-reading The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda. I used to read these books in order to kick myself out of self-pity and into action. I don't suffer as much from self-pity as I did in those days. I know who's making the choices in my life now. But I'm still plagued by sloth! Now that I have a good excuse for inaction, I use it and really enjoy whole days of doing absolutely nothing. Too much of that and I fall into depression though. So, back to what used to inspire me to act like a grown up and use a little self discipline. Don Juan says there are four enemies: fear, clarity, power and old age. We acquire these enemies by trying to learn to acquire wisdom/knowledge - at first the process will make us very afraid. If we don't give in to fear, we acquire clarity which can seduce us into believing we know everything and the antidote is humility. Once we've acquired clarity, we will become powerful. There are all sorts of ways to misuse power - we should always follow paths with "heart" instead. Finally, of course, is old-age. We will feel incredibly tired all the time and want to give in to our overwhelming desire to rest instead of living out our destiny right up until death. I think this is where I am. Creating a new life at my age with my disabilities is hugely challenging. However, if I let my end-of-life sloth take over, I will surely die an early death from sheer boredom. If I take good care of my body, I should be able to live out my destiny since sloth and boredom don't entice me at all - beloved Law and Order re-runs not withstanding.

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