Spirit

Here's the entrance to Spirit Bank - locally owned bank where Ron and I had accounts for years and years. Ron had his office in this building for most of the time he was in private practice. He said his clients who were under the illusion that no one knew they were drunks or addicts loved it that his offices were in a bank building. Our CPA is also in this building and I have my accounts here too. Yesterday I got my 2008 tax information to the CPA's office. I think the only year that I met the April 15 deadline was the first year after the wreck, and I managed that because I had all the books in good shape through August. The other two years I made it by October 15. By that standard I was early this year. This building holds so many memories for me. I worked with Ron here. I came to get him after work a lot. We spent hours here - days, nights, weekends - people who are addicted need help at odd times. And they are all good memories.

"Greeting life with joy alters every experience for us and for those we share it with." Each Day a New Beginning.

Joy

Dear friend, Cisco, is the cleanest cat in the world. He has to be. He sleeps, eats, poops and cleans and cleans and cleans. Of course, he has to make time for all that in between kissing me and following me around. What a joy it is to have a companion that's so full of love!

"...we need joy in our lives, just as surely as we need rest and a good diet...The knowledge that joy is inherent, within every experience, is mine, now and forever." Each Day a New Beginning

Nutrition

I am slowly but surely disciplining myself to cook for just me. There's really no other way to be sure that I'm getting the nutrition I need. This is a stew I'm fond of - hamburger, etc. The hamburger comes from Whole Foods and the recipe from Weight Watchers. Plus I can check off several of the little boxes on the form I got from my nutritionist. But the best part is that I actually like this stew and I made enough so that I can have it for lunch a couple of days.

Poetry Attack

Overheard

“My sister, Priscilla, was supposed to die on Saturday….”
And the rest was lost in the buzz of other voices in the restaurant.
Did she refuse to die even though she promised to?
Was the paid assassin late and didn’t get the job done until Sunday?
The death sentence was postponed?
Or was it just a bad prediction on the part of the medical team?

Maybe sis just was wishing her witchy sister would leave the earth
Sooner rather than later
And was devastated by the delay.
Strange lunch time conversation
Since “supposed to” is not a phrase
Usually associated with death.
Strange to think about endings while feeding our living bodies.

Serenity Experiment Update

Well, my sleeping problems are still an issue. I've consulted with mentors and given prayerful thought and for right now I've decided to accept the fact that my body wants to go to sleep at midnight and wake up at 8 or 9. I'm at war with my body and I'm not winning. So, I'm going to cool it and just stick with what I've developed so far - getting dressed, eating a decent breakfast, doing my prayer and meditation and making my bed. The whole list will not get done on my current awakening time. So....I'm going to take a shot at moving the rest of the list to other times during the day. Of course, it's going to vary from day to day according to the schedule for that day, and that wasn't what I had in mind. Whatever. The goal is serenity.

Since there are difficulties with which I must live, the only real answer is to seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to Change.

365 Project

I'm showing how hard it is for me to keep a commitment that requires discipline. This week's pictures were extremely sparse. I'm not feeling creative and although I was active this week I really didn't think any pictures would be meaningful. So... having confessed my sins, I'm going to embark on taking pictures whether they seem to be meaningful or not. The picture on the right is of one of my therapist's office. I see him once or twice a month and we work on keeping my body straight since my muscles try to torque so that I'm leaning to one side and on releasing negative energy that's stored in my body that causes me to "dissociate." I love the quiet beauty of his office. The picture on the left is of my kitchen table. People who know me well know that this is how it usually looks. All my projects, my wilted bouquet, my journal, cell phone, coffee cup and milk I'm not quite finished with usually sit there. Every once in awhile I clean it up and put stuff away and then I can't find it and wonder why my bills are paid late and I forget to go to parties I was invited to.

Dancing

I decided to stay home from 5th night at Utica Square tonight. The temp outside is 102. I'm just not motivated to go dancing on hot concrete with the temperature over 100.

It occurred to me that the fact that I danced last week is a milestone. One of the milestones the first year after the wreck was when I got the left foot accelerator on my car and was able to load my wheelchair in the car by myself. The next appointment I had with Dr. Dreamy I reported my progress. He asked me in all seriousness whether since I was so independent if I wanted to go on with the surgeries that were necessary for me to be able to walk. He said a lot of people would just stop and stay in the wheelchair. I indignantly replied that I not only wanted to walk; I wanted to be able to dance. Well..... I'm dancing!!!

This is the second or third generation of the bouqet given me by my friend. The funny part is that she put mint in it for greenery, and I've just been adding flowers from my flower bed to the mint as the flowers fade. The mint just keeps hanging in there. Finally I noticed that the mint has grown roots! No wonder it's still hanging in. Now it's growing taller so I will have to cut the flowers longer. This might be some sort of record for an "on-going" bouquet.

Birthday Weeks

What fun I've had. I went to Dallas for the first of our birthday celebrations - my birthday and my grandson's birthday who was born the day after my birthday. My oldest grandson was born on my birthday but he's in Virginia so we will have to celebrate with him when he and his girlfriend come in July. Then my grandson and I came back to Tulsa and celebrated some more by visiting the local sights and taking in a movie. Then, midweek, my oldest granddaughter and my daughter came. I had several ideas for fun, but we nixed a lot of them due to the heatwave, but we did have some other fun. I had my sobriety anniversary celebration and then we celebrated my youngest granddaughter's birthday. On Sunday I waved goodbye and lay down. Cisco the cat and I just vegged the rest of the day.

There go the babies - back to Dallas - after a terrific visit.

Still no potty for Rusty.

Rusty does not want to potty. He is afraid they are going to leave without him.

They are getting ready to go. Poor Bec has been ready since early (for her) this morning.

The rubbish left behind after Kristin opened the massive amount of loot at her birthday party.

Kristin opening her presents and her Daddy trying to get her to look at the camera instead. Didn't work, of course.

Here's Kristin at her birthday party

Beautful Rusty who came to visit for the second half of the week, posing in front of my wildflower daisies. Since Rusty is deaf, you will see Aaron's finger on the right side of this picture - he's telling Rusty to stay.

Candid picture of Liz and part of Lynn - both of them making faces at me at 5th Night.

Band and dancers at Utica Square's 5th Night. I love it that the kids and old people dance. You don't have to have a partner and no one cares that it's so hot you think you are going to die.

You have received so much from this program that you should have a vision that gives your life a direction and a purpose that gives meaning to each new day. Let us not slide along through life. Let us have a purpose for each day and let us make that purpose for something greater than just ourselves. ~Bill W

365 Project

5th night at Utica Square.

Serenity Experiment Update

I am a stubborn, hard-headed woman. That's either the good news or the bad news. In the context of the Serenity Experiment, it's good news. I have not reached serenity yet with my morning and evening routines but I'm still making progress. It is incredibly challenging to follow my routines when I'm visiting someone or when I have company. The barrier is my sleeping pattern. In the past I was an early riser - usually up - without an alarm - at between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m. I haven't seen that time on the clock except when I've had to go to the bathroom. For whatever reason, I don't go to sleep right away - I may doze off and on until around midnight no matter what time I go to bed. Then I sleep until 8:00 or 9:00 - which is really not good for trying to do several things before starting the day. Especially when the rest of the household is up by 7:00 and ready to start the activities of the day about the time I stumble out of bed. Even when I'm by myself, I really want to be able to start my day at a reasonable time and that's completely impossible if I don't get up until 9:00. It's a good thing I'm stubborn and it's a good thing I'm a world-class problem solver. I will solve this problem. More later.

Liz fixed this picture so it's not so dark. So... here are Kristin and Aaron working on the kids menu puzzles at Mimi's. Another birthday dinner. We know how to stretch these birthdays out!

Ceiling in Philbrook Museum in Tulsa and Aaron standing by columns where the old entrance to Philbrook used to be. Aaron, Eric and I spent a terrific afternoon there. One of the exhibits was of tiny little drawings that could only be really seen with a magnifying glass.

Very bad picture of Bec playing with the sparkle ball I brought. June 13

365 Project catch up

My first Chick fil A sandwich on June 12.

Back from Birthday Weekend

My middle grandson and I made it in from Dallas yesterday evening, where I went to celebrate birthdays. We had fun in spite of the electricity being out from the tornado they had on Wednesday. It gave us a great excuse to eat out, hang out in malls and have coffee at the bookstore. I went directly to bed right after dinner last night and didn't get up until 8:00 this morning. But we have plans to have fun today - we're probably going to go to a local museum and see what's up there. 365 Project pictures later.

Here's my dear friend, Tony. He makes his living as a handyman and has been fixing broken stuff at my house for several years now. I call and whine that my air conditioner quit working, and he says, "Oh that's awful, babe. I'll be right there." He doesn't arrive that quickly every time but almost every time. Our friendship has taken a lot of turns over the years and we now know each other's worst faults as well as our best sides. He is crazy as a loon and he thinks I'm crazy (I'm not, of course). Nevertheless, we are somehow still friends.

Update

As of June 4 it has been a year since my last surgery - the longest time I've ever had without surgery since the wreck. I'm feeling a lot more like myself. I sleep relatively well most nights. Over 50% of the time I'm able to make it through a day without having to lie down. (The whole truth is I count it as making it through a day if I make it until after 4:00 p.m.). I am much stronger (thanks to physical therapy). My mental health is no worse than it was before the wreck - at the moment, that is. It still doesn't take much to knock me over emotionally. Unfortunately, I've had a couple of things that fell into the category of BIG that knocked me over this year. But I've come back relatively quickly. I am so very grateful!

For almost four years now my purpose has been to get as well as possible. Since I really had no idea what would help, I just threw everything I could think of or that any one suggested at it. Healthy food, physical therapy, all the sleep/rest my body seemed to be demanding, cranial-sacral manipulation, massage, fun, friendship, time with family, prayer/affirmations/meditation. Periodically I asked the Unity folks to pray for me. I'm impressed with them. In the past I've asked them to pray for specific situations that seemed to be hopeless to resolve, and they were resolved. Amazing.

I don't consider myself well yet so I'm continuing to throw everything I can think of at my healing. I still have a lot of PTSD symptoms that really interfere with my ability to live life and I still get very tired quickly. Right now I'm in love with the structure my nutritionist has added to my food life. It seems to be working for me very well. Again, I am so grateful.

The picture above is of the outside of Whole Foods, my favorite grocery store. My nutritionist made me promise when I met with her this morning that I would add a protein supplement to my diet since I need more protein for health than most people. So, off I went to get the powdered soy to put in smoothies.

365 Project - Wildflowers

The wildflowers planted probably seven years ago or so have survived complete neglect! This year I'm pulling up a few weeds and replanting some blank spots. The flowers have made it into the house a couple of times too. Yay!

365 Project

There's a tiny little green tomato on my tomato plant!

W.A.I.T.

Heard in Ala-non meeting: W.A.I.T. stands for "Why Am I Talking?" For those of us who talk before we think and need to learn "restraint of tongue and pen," this is a very good reminder!

Submit, Resent, Rebell

"Submit, resent, rebell"- the description one of my sponsors says is her pattern of behavior in her character defect of people pleasing. I admit I am somewhat like that myself, except that I rarely go for the submission part for any length of time. In fact, I probably just think about submitting but never do it! It could be that I just rebell right away. Hmmm.

Complete self-knowledge is impossible, but the "looking within" will open our eyes to many possible improvements. It is difficult because we're afraid we won't like what we see, and we may have misgivings about being able to change ourselves. Yet what we may find when we look within may be quite a surprise package - all those many good qualities tucked away under heavy layers of guilt. One Day at a Time in Ala-non

365 Project

Eric visited today and we had breakfast at the Wild Fork in Utica Square. They have the very best veggie omelet I have ever had (and it's on my diet) and the very best cheese grits and biscuits in the world (they are not on my diet).

Dissillusionment

"Disillusionment" is usually thought of as a bad thing, but I think it's a good thing to lose your illusions as early in life as possible. The sooner we're in reality, the sooner we know how to deal with it. Of course, it can be extremely unsettling. I grew up in a small town in the 40s and 50s and everything seemed pretty calm. Of course, I heard about the holocaust and the Chinese prison camps on the radio. But as a child I thought these terrible things were just a fluke and would never happen again. But then in my 20s I learned about poverty, discrimination, cruelty, in our own country, etc. and decided I had to do something about it. I didn't do a great job mostly because I had very little to give. But I did make some difference. In my 40s I learned some more things - how our world treats people with disabilities and this was the worst yet. I began to feel completely crazy. I called it the "evil world syndrome." Luckily by that time I was in recovery and had someone to ask what to do. The best advice I ever had - ask God every day what you can do to make whatever the situation is better - and then do it. I really have not found that hiding my head in the sand and refusing to look at the reality of the world has ever done me any good. Doing something about it even though I don't have much power and not a lot to give has helped me more than I can say.

365 Project - Moth Balls

Every year I try to grow some plants in the pots on my front porch and every year so far either rabbits or squirrels dig them up. But this year it looks like the plants are going to make it! The squirrels/rabbits haven't retired but the moth balls I put in with the plants apparently are driving them away. Small victories!

365 Project

My prize possesions that reside in the corner of my living room.

The tree is only a Christmas tree during Christmas time. It is too big to fit in any of my closets and would be ruined if I put it in the garage. So, it's just a tree the rest of the year. It's beautiful and I love it. The dragon is a metal wall sculpture that was made for Ron and me by an artist who exhibited here at our Mayfest. He had some smaller dragons, but we wanted a big one. We had lost all our wall decorations in the fire we had in 2000. So, we asked the artist if he would make a big one for us and here it is!

365 Project

Every Monday morning I meet with some women from my Alanon group. We are studying the Big Book (of Alcoholics Anonymous) to understand how the disease affects us. We meet in this delightful kitchen. Today - right after the meeting - I went to physical therapy. This is the room where I work out.

365 Project

Sunday in the Park with Lynn and Kristin. A terrific sunshiny day with a good breeze. We ate a little picnic lunch I brought and then Lynn and Kristin played.

365 Project

Corny as it may seem, what I ended doing was a bird flying with my heart. It seems to me that I have been extremely earth bound these past few years and I long to be free again.

Today I attended a workshop put on by my friend, Sharon, who is a nurse and an amazing artist. She does these workshops periodically to help people access their hearts through art. I'm standing next to one of her recent paintings. This picture doesn't show it very well but it's of a little child going in a door. I think it is one of her best works.

Here's the collage I made in January that represents in images something about the life I'd like to have in 2009.

Not a great picture of the collage I made on the retreat. However, it's enough to get a sense of it. The meaning is quite apparent to me and was to a couple of my friends who looked at it. Basically, it represents the images I have in relation to creativity. It was fun to make.

Serenity Experiment Update

I have an accumulation of a lot of days of following my checklist. Things are neater around my house and I feel pretty good about being ready to face the world reasonably early in the morning. My meditation practice finally got much easier and the sense of peace I used to get returned. Right now, however, I've been remiss. Since I went on the retreat... I followed my routine the first day, but the second day I slept a long time and there wasn't time. I've been my usual slug since I've been home. It's Thursday and I'm still recuperating. I hope that when I'm able to return to the routine, it will be easier to do than it was when I first began.

This is a house down the street and I envy the landscaping. This is not the greatest picture. A closer view might enable me to show it to some of my friends who know what plants are.

Initiation of the Dead

I have been listening to an audio book in the car - which is an ongoing habit of mine left over from when I traveled long distances in my last job and the one before that. I fell in love with having something wonderful to listen to instead of being bored. Now, of course, I'm just driving across town, but I can still learn a tremendous amount by having audio books available. Currently the book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I first read this book many, many years ago at the insistence of my husband's sponsor. He used to leave books in my mail box with notes that said, "You owe me ______." I knew it was to my advantage to read whatever book he left. This particular book was a big deal. Ron and I traveled to Ft. Worth, Texas, in the middle of the night to hear a day long workshop by Don Miguel.

One of the things Don Miguel talks about in the book is how close we all are to death. We manage to forget this fact in our day to day lives, but forgetting it is a big mistake. Enough people have left my life suddenly and without warning for me to know deeply that this is the truth. Don Miguel says the "initiation of the dead" is to take the Angel of Death as our teacher and learn to live each day as if the Angel was only a couple of steps behind us. I believe this is the right way to live because most of the nonsense that I do in a day's time is not what I would be doing if I was really aware. What I would do instead is to love the people in my life.

Behind the offices of my counselor is this lovely scene where there are usually flocks of birds. This afternoon all was quiet in the shade. I want a garden like this in my back yard.

As a memento of our time together, each of us who were on the retreat received one of these candle holders with pine cones to remind us of our time in the woods.

Say hello to Shorty and Snowball - who are hopeful that someone will open the door to the log cabin where several of my friends and I spent the weekend on a retreat (the kind where you treat yourself over and over). Nobody did open the door, however. But these two had plenty of company on the front porch looking out into the woods.

My friend, Eric, is visiting today. He has become my dear friend even though we had only met once before the wreck. Ron was his sponsor. So, Eric appointed himself my caregiver and has been with me every step of my journey since the wreck. He has been the most amazing gift in my life. Today he is helping me get gardening supplies for some flowers I want to plant in my front flower bed and carrying things to the car for the trip I'm taking this afternoon to a retreat (the kind where you treat yourself over and over). Mule duty I told him. Of course most of his duties have been a bit more complex than that. He is a physician so he has provided much needed advice and has talked to my doctors. When I had my last surgery he stayed with me for almost a week. Thank you, Eric!

Here's my daughter, Bridget and her bedroom.

I went to see her today to take her some magazines that she likes to look at and for a meeting of her caregivers. It turns out the meeting isn't until tomorrow but it was a perfect time for some pictures. Bridget is almost 38 years old and has multiple disabilities. She lives just about a mile from my house in a house she rents with a roommate. Her story is too long to tell here, but she came to our family as a foster child when she was four months old. Her mother had Rubella when she was pregnant which caused Bridget to have vision and hearing loss as well as brain damage. She is enjoying her life, though, which makes me happy too.

Lomi Lomi

I've been throwing everything I could think of and anything anyone could suggest at trying to heal my leg and my psyche. One of the things I've been doing for months is getting Hawaiian massage called Lomi Lomi. It is quite different than other types of massage I've had, and it has really helped. Here is the beautiful room decorated with Hawaiian artifacts and my massage therapist, Maalia.

Dinner

Here's my friend, Dee, getting ready to eat dinner with me. One of the highlights of this day. We had a terrific dinner. Cisco the cat is looking up through the glass table to see what's going on.

I left my camera on all night and so when I tried to take the picture I planned for today, of course the batteries were dead. The picture would have been of me and my dear trauma surgeon in front of my xray that showed my femur solid as a rock. Definitely a memorable occasion!

Not everyone has a dentist with such fabulous landscaping. If my camera hadn't run out of batteries, I would have gotten some better pictures.

For years I went from dentist to dentist, hating every single one of them. Then I found Bracken. He is terrific. And a fabulous landscaper. I didn't mind going today even though they found that I need a filling replaced.

Serenity is not what I'm feeling this morning. I'm excited because it seems like I have reached a point where I can actually do the things I want to instead of just working around my physical disability. I've finished all the stuff on my morning routine and it appears that I've lost 4 lbs by eating like the nutritionist suggested (even though not perfectly). AND I've not been one bit hungry. (Picture for the 365 project later).