Serenity experiment

Right after the three days of snow, spring sprung! The Bradford Pears are blooming, the jonquils are too and so is the mold. None of the antihistamines work very well on my mold allergy so I get to practice patience. I'm glad I learned to tell the difference between an upper respiratory infection and a severe allergy attack. With allergies, vitamin C and rest don't help at all. Patience and Sudafed...

The serenity experiment continues. I would have to look back at posts to determine how long this experiment has been going on. But it's at least a year. I've had a few days of serenity due to working the steps on sloth. Once I cleared my mind of clutter with the steps, I'm usually up by 8:00 at the latest and recently have been up before 6:00. I've realized that I have about four hours of energy per day. I know, that's pitiful. But that's what I've got. The best I can do right now is to surrender to reality and try to gradually increase the time. Surrendering to reality includes tight prioritizing so that during the four hours a day I have, I do the the most important things. Which, of course, leads to deciding what are the most important things. I'm much less likely to spend time pulling the weeds out of the cracks in the driveway and much more likely to spend time with the people I love!

"We can do anything. Just not all at once." Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.

I'm back

New computer is set up and working. Happy days.

Change them; Change yourself

"The most difficult matter is not so much to change the world as yourself." Nelson Mandela.

I'm pretty sure Nelson Mandela is considered neither a cowboy nor a wimp (see previous post). He is a powerfully brave man who endured terrible adversity with love and compassion. He won over his captors during his almost 30 years in prison. When he was released, he led his country to reconciliation. It appears to me that he accomplished that by changing himself which inspired others. Because he is who he is, he is an authority on love and compassion in adversity. No one argues with him. So, then, how can we change the world by changing ourselves - using his example?

365 Project

I love my neighborhood and the people who decorate for holidays.

Friend, Mary Ann, and myself showing off the purchase made during our marathon shopping trip. She and husband, Bob, here for a visit.

Here's my friend, Mary Ann's husband, Bob and I, showing off a purchase at a discount store - yet another sun wall hanging.

Mary Ann, friend from high school, and husband, Bob here for a visit. A good time was had by all.

Lots of pictures of snow this year. As the result of two snow storms, we have about 7 inches of snow this morning.

Perspectives

I read somewhere once - it may have been some kind of Eastern philosophy - that there are some people who would try to solve the problem of stones hurting their feet by covering the whole world in leather, but it's easier to wear shoes. It's amazing to me how long I went through life thinking that my problems were other people and circumstances and so the people and circumstances had to be changed before the problems could be solved (I wanted to cover the earth in leather to protect my feet.). Finally, several years ago, I learned that there's always something I, myself, can do to solve my problems or at least make them less difficult. In truth, that's how the whole world works. It does, however, make me a wimp instead of a cowboy in some people's eyes. (see a previous post)

More on Sloth

After doing a 5th step on sloth with my sponsor, she suggested I do another 4th step on time. So I kept meticulous track of what I did with my time for a week. Interesting. What happened was that I could clearly see what was sloth, what was ADD and what was ptsd. There was enough sloth in there to take notice. After I did the 5th Step with her yesterday, she suggested again (for the umpteenth time), that maybe I could benefit from spending more of my time using the tools of the program. Well, I have no real resistance to that. It's just that I feel guilty when I'm not finishing my to do list. She gently pointed out that my to do list wasn't getting finished anyway. I could see that healing my mind and spirit might eventually fix the to do list problem. So... more time will be spent on healing. More will be revealed.

BTW - to symbolize my commitment to overcoming sloth, I dropped my written 4th step in the trash at the second AA meeting I attended yesterday. My sponsor was present as a witness and we happily celebrated!

Wimps and Cowboys

I know I'm old because I'm starting to have a historical perspective on politics. Democrats are wimps and Republicans are cowboys - usually. I think Lyndon Johnson was a cowboy, though, and he was a Democrat. The idea of trying to persuade someone to your point of view with the argument that it's the right thing to do is considered wimpy or weak. A cowboy would just threaten to hurt the person to persuade. Also, it seems that listening to points of view other than one's own is considered wimpy. A cowboy would decide on a point of view based on his or her best interests and just try to mow down any opposition. I could go on and on but I won't. During my lifetime, I've seen numerous examples of these two types. At least where I come from the prevailing view is that cowboys are to be respected, but not wimps. It's hard to be a wimp. But I am one.

365 Project

I love sky pictures.

Group of friends out to dinner for friend, Dee's, birthday. Good pictures of everyone but me. I'm making a face about something - can't remember what. We had a terrific dinner and then went to the opera.

The awards ceremony at the Governor's Conference on Developmental Disabilities where my friend, Margaret, and I did a couple of presentations on Monday. Every time I go to one of these I am so grateful to see so many people with disabilities out and about participating in life.

Another picture at the Governor's conference on Developmental Disabilities. The guy in the helmet has it on because he can guide his wheelchair with it. Amazing.

Rigoletto

I'm not a big opera fan. However, I'm blessed by having a friend who works for a university and gets a few free tickets to cultural events. Last Friday night some of her friends (including me) got to go to the opera Rigoletto. I was highly entertained. The voices were lovely and the story was classic. I laughed to myself since it wasn't supposed to be funny. It was supposed to be tragic.

Get this, though. The young girl who was the lead was seduced by a womanizing duke. Of course, how he did it was to tell her how lovely she was, that she was the love of his life, that he would never be able to love anyone else, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. She fell head over heels. Later she catches him with another woman. This woman, by the way, tells him he's full of it; that she doesn't believe a word he says. She still hits the sack with him.

In the meantime, the young girl's father is really mad about the duke's seducing his daughter and puts out a hit on the duke. The young girl finds out about it and dresses like the duke so that the assassin will kill her instead - which is what happens. Tragic. Well, my thought was that even way back then when the opera was written, us women were still falling for the bulls**t of men. Tragic is right. No wonder we get no respect. Time for us to wake up and shape up, I think.

Hindsight

I read a lot of articles about relationships/marriage. You would think I'm still a married woman. Actually, in a way, I am. I'm still rehashing my marriage - its high points and low points, looking for what I can learn.

Today I read an article by a woman who let her husband "have it" one day. She told him about all her dissatisfactions and angers. She said if things didn't change, she was leaving. The next day her husband keeled over with a heart attack and died. If that isn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. Since he died, there wasn't much she could do about the marriage. But she spent a lot of time rehashing - maybe like I am. She said she arrived at a point where she felt like her marriage was "revitalized" because she saw it in such a different light with hindsight.

I knew someone once who said, "Life is a tough teacher. She gives you the test before the lesson." Sometimes all you can do is rehash and learn what you can. All in all I think I had a good marriage. But there were some incredibly tough times that I'm learning from now. I hope it will "revitalize" my marriage - odd as that seems.

More on Sloth

Got a call yesterday from someone in the program who had a bad accident a year ago, is healed up from her injuries, but has this problem of feeling like she has turned into a lazy slug. Hmmm. I know something about that. Interesting how when I begin to find solutions to the tough problems in my life, someone will show up who needs to know what I've learned. I think it's probably a God thing.

Blessings

"Ask God to bless each person's health, finances, all areas of his or her life. Ask God to pour down blessings on that person. Say it until..you feel the blessing in your heart. ...Whenever you start a project, your day at work, a meeting, or even a night of fun with friends, you can say a silent little prayer asking God to bless that too. While you're at it, ask God to bless our country and the world." Melodie Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.

I love this. Blessings instead of random - probably negative - thoughts. A much better environment in my head and heart than the usual nonsense that runs through my head!

Our brains, continued

The audio book I'm listening to says that when people are in love, their brains look exactly like someone high on cocaine. The same region of the brain lights up with the same intensity. It's no wonder that people in love are so obnoxious. They seem to believe they will never have another problem in their lives, that they are going to live happily ever after, and that the person they are in love with will take care of them like their parents never did. The brain chemical that creates all this is oxytocin - Mother Nature's way of bonding us to our lovers so we will make babies. Mother Nature doesn't seem to care about the long term, though. In a relatively short period of time, we come to our senses and realize everything we've been thinking and feeling was just a lovely delusion. We usually blame this on our lovers, however, and start fighting because we want that beautiful high back. Well, fighting is not going to get it back. Sorry. But the good news is from brain research is that deliberately acting like we still believe in those illusions, will cause that same region of the brain to light up again. Sometimes your partner will start acting that way again in response to you. Hmmm. Another piece of good news - we can change our brains by changing our thinking and behavior. Wow! A lot of responsibility, but still very good news.

365 Project

I thought the birds might have a better chance at the birdfeed if I put it on the deck. But once again I was very wrong.

Flowers at Whole Foods.

Best bouquet I've had in awhile. Love Whole Food's flowers.

Kristin, Lynn and I went to the circus on Sunday. Here's Kristin in pink, riding a pony with Lynn along side.

When they turned out the lights at the circus, all the magic light wands people bought looked beautiful.

Kids taking a camel ride at the circus.

Got to have highwire walkers at the circus.

Wouldn't be a circus without elephants

Indian dancers at the Shriner's circus. They're the Native American Shriners.

Lions and tigers

Guy getting ready to be shot out of a cannon!

Circus acrobats

Kristin at the circus. This was right at the end (3 1/2 hours!) and she's still focused.

Our Brains

I'm listening to an audio book called, "Change Your Brain; Change Your Life" in the car. I'm not finished with it yet but it fits in with much of what I've read in the past 10 years about brain research as it relates to emotions and behavior. The information is based on various kinds of brain scans that have been developed in the past ten years.

The author says that our brain's limbic system (commonly referred to as our "reptile" brain) is where emotions are processed and where threats are handled. The interesting thing I've learned is that the limbic system, unlike other parts of our brains, does not interact with our frontal lobes (where our rational mind is) at all. It just sends signals to our bodies without our having an opportunity to think about it at all. It's a survival mechanism, of course. Under threat of a tiger getting ready to eat us, there's no time to think over what the best thing to do is. But since most of our perceived threats don't involve tigers, but rather threats of hurt feelings, etc. from other people, it's no wonder that we act without thinking and then have to clean up the messes we make. Hmmm.

Also, he says that women have much larger limbic systems than men. The limbic system also is where bonding with other people takes place (without going through our rational minds either). The author believes that this larger limbic system in women is why women bond so easily with others and why men seem to be more detached. He also believes this is the explanation for why women stay with abusive men - they are bonded to them emotionally in a way that has nothing to do with their rational minds.

The part I'm listening to now regards the automatic (and irrational) thinking that our limbic systems come up with. Unfortunately our automatic thoughts come from a part of our brain that has no way of interacting with the truth. Therefore, most of our automatic thoughts are negative, untrue and based on automatic reactions to threats. Examples of automatic thoughts - I'm so stupid. My boss didn't say hello so she must be mad at me. My spouse is acting strangely so he/she doesn't love me anymore.

The author says that by becoming aware of and challenging these thoughts - which, by the way, is a tremendous amount of work - we can eveuntually change the way our brains actually work! More on all this later.

More on Sloth

In talking to people who know me well over a long period of time (almost 30 years in one case), it seems to me and to them also, that the role sloth plays in my problem is small. It's hard to actually isolate it from all the other things so I'm just handing the whole mess off to God. I feel much more at peace. All I can really do is be as active, organized and focused on what's really important on a daily basis and leave the rest alone. Some days what I can do is small. The word that I heard a lot was, "surrender." That used to be a bad word for me but not any more.

Sunrise

Didn't post this in January because I couldn't remember what it was. Now I remember - a passenger on the plane to Austin took this picture for me of the sunrise from the window of the plane where he was sitting. Love it. "Sloth is the thief of time." Drop the Rock.

The book study we're doing on "Drop the Rock" inspired me to do a 4th Step on sloth.

I'm tired of trying to figure out if I'm lazy, ADD, dissociating, depressed or just plain crazy. So, I'm just calling my problem with erratic sleep patterns, excessive tiredness, and erratic ability to function, "sloth" and working the steps on it. I've done two million things to deal with this problem and I still have it and it still interferes with my life and pisses some people off. For some reason, it's never occurred to me to work the steps on it before which is totally amazing. Just shows I still need a lot of help. So, anyway, the 4th Step is finished - 8 pages of single-spaced self-examination. One of my sponsors has read it and we'll talk on Thursday (5th Step). I'm kind of entertained by the idea that once I've been through Step 9, I will actually be in the hands of God and things will change or I will change according to my willingness and God's plan. It will be interesting to see how that works out.

365 Project

Me cracking up because I'm a blonde with Judy my long suffering hairdresser.

This was dinner before it was roasted. It looked pretty good after it was roasted too.

This didn't come out like I hoped but it's still interesting. It's actually the view from one of the few really big hills in Tulsa.

2010 Collage. Interesting how much repeats from year to year. I still long to be outside more. Time to do something about that. I have spent a lot of my life outside but since the wreck, I've been inside WAY more than I want to be.

Fun

I have a lot more fun when I wake up in the morning thinking how I can make the world a better place in a small way, or how I can make my life better, or what I can do to exercise my creativity. I wish I could think of a way to make that my first thought instead of what I usually think - "What do I have to do today." Actually, none of us HAVE to do anything. I remember telling my mother that when I was around 5 or 6. She vehemently disagreed and pointed out a bunch of things we HAVE to do like eat and go to the bathroom. I still thought even those things were a choice - of course, you would die if you didn't do them, but it was still a choice. Gee - I had the secret of life all figured out before I was grown up. I just am impaired in putting it into practice. Maybe I should tape an index card to my forehead so when I wake I'll remember that the day ahead is all my own choices.

Blondes Have More Fun

I'm never satisfied with how my hair looks. The only time I liked my hair was in the 80s when I had a perm and my hair looked naturally curly. Once it started turning grey, it looked crappy. So, of course, I dyed it. But then an perm wouldn't take and I had to make a decision - crappy color and perm, or good color and unmanageable hair. That was around 25 years ago.

So for 25 years I've been messing with my hair, trying to get it to look decent. Recently I decided I'd like to see what color it really is and maybe be able to get a perm. Got a perm anyway and boy is my hair ever damaged with color AND perm. So, I decided to grow it out and see what color it is. Judy, my long-suffering hair dresser, suggested we lighten it a bit so that the contrast with the grey roots wouldn't be so great. Well, it's lightened more than a little bit. It startles me when I look in the mirror - I'm a blonde! And I look terrific!

Hmmm. Should have done this sooner and gotten a boob job too. Then I could have ruled the world. Wait - Marilyn Monroe had all that; Anna Nicole Smith too. And look how they ended up. Well, I still intend to have fun but not end up like that!