What if ...we knew everything was okay and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then? We'd be free to let go and enjoy life! The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie.

Friday's trip to the doctor was basically good but the progress in healing was not actually clear. So I'm released to do a little more but not a lot. I was hoping for more.

I know that not worrying and that everything is really okay is true. However, it does not mean that I will always get everything I want. There's a tee shirt in one of the catalogs I get that says, "Manure Occureth." That is also true. The thing is I really don't have to worry about manure occuring. I get the courage, patience and ability to handle that too. So I will work on being free and enjoying life today!

Priorities

Paraphrased and summarized from "Courage to Change" - "Here's what's really important and what my to-do list should look like - Make better contact with my Higher Power. Take time to enjoy the present moment. Becoming the person I want to be. Give thanks for blessings. Be a channel for love."

I'm a big list maker. I carry list making to great heights - color coded, illustrated, etc. Of course, that's a big time waster but we won't talk about that. Nevertheless, I do get things completed that I would otherwise forget about. Sometimes things stay on my list for years and years and then I finally do them. Lists are good. But the really important priorities get sandwiched in between grocery shopping and renewing my driver's license. I think I'll put those priorities first on the list!

Friend Cisco in the afternoon sun. Sometimes when I was in the hospital, friends would have trouble finding a place to park so they went to my house to visit Cisco instead. I totally understand. He has way softer fur and is more loving than me. I have better breath, though.

Change

I'm probably the poster child for how hard it is to change. Everything in me resists as soon as I decide I need to change something. It could be something as simple as what time I go to bed and as soon as I decide I start resisting myself. I am crazy. I especially resist anything that would be good for me. It seems like way too much trouble and the exact wrong thing to do. So I decide that I won't do it - today anyway. Maybe tomorrow. When I look back at my life, though, I see that an amazing amount of things have changed. Grace of God!

The Dwarves of Grief

I just read in the latest Oprah magazine an article about a couple who lost their first child at birth - stillborn. The baby came early while they were still in France on vacation. Neither of them spoke French very well, so when the nurse asked the husband if they would like to speak to a nun, he thought she said would he like to speak to a dwarf. His wife asked him later why he said "yes" and he said that he thought maybe they had a dwarf/clown on staff that tried to cheer people up who were grieving. Of course, a nun came instead of a dwarf and the couple did not laugh about this until much, much later when their grief had subsided somewhat.

Grief is so unbelievably painful. No one can really believe it the first time they experience it. It's common to think you're going crazy or that you're going to die. But, no, it's just grief - more painful than childbirth, more painful than anything I can think of. My grandson's girlfriend's sister's husband was killed in a terrible wreck on Friday. He was only 25. They have a 5 month old baby. My grandson and his girlfriend's family are in that tortured phase of grief when they can't talk so they can be understood. When I talked to them on the phone, I mostly just said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't understand what you said." What I had to offer was my experience, strength and hope - you are not going crazy and you're not going to die. All of you will get through this even though it seems impossible right now. It will get better. The love you have for each other will help.

"Love and fear cannot dwell together. By their very natures, they cannot exist side by side. Fear is a very strong force...But a strong love, a love of God that trusts in God, is sure eventually to conquer fear." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Sometimes when I step back from my situation and look at it from the long view, it's pretty scary. I was looking in the mirror to see how one of my new shirts looked with the pants I had on, and I was struck again with how weird my body looks to me now. My upper body is much bigger proportionately than it used to be - of course, that's because my arms and upper body muscles have been moving me around for almost three years. My legs and butt are smaller from lack of use. But the muscles at the very top of my butt are bigger. My shape is absolutely nothing like I'm used to looking at. Very strange and a little scary. I've turned into another person! Luckily I still have the sense on a daily basis that I am still the same beloved child of God.

Making Connections

A very long time ago I was having an absolutely miserable time in my life - no reason except that I constantly told myself that I was a failure. (I took over for my mother who told me that a lot when I was a kid.) It's too long a story to tell and it's kind of boring - but at one point I was able to make connection with the present moment and went from misery to joy. Boy is it ever hard to stay in the moment but that's where the joy is. I couldn't be a failure in the moment. Failure is in the past. Yay for the present moment!

Broken Hearts

"God would draw us all closer to Him in the bonds of the spirit. He would have all people drawn closer to each other in the bonds of the spirit. God, the great Spirit of the universe, of which each of our own spirits is a small part, must want unity between Himself and all His children. Unity of the spirit in the bond of peace. Each experience of our life, of joy, of sorrow, of danger, of safety, of difficulty, of success, of hardship, of ease, each should be accepted as part of our common lot, in the bonds of the spirit." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Maybe all of us are broken hearted from childhood on. Or at least most of us. We are hungry tigers for love; love we didn't get enough of from childhood. We want to be loved for ourselves; as we are. Even when we're obnoxious and stepping on the toes of the people we want to love us. What in the world is the solution? I guess (ha!) it must be to go to God for that kind of love and then try to be a channel for others. Hmmm. Tall order. "What an order! I can't go through with it!" But what else have I got to do before I die?

Sunshine of the Spirit

" Sunshine is the laughter of nature. Live out in the sunshine. The sun and air are good medicine. Nature is a good nurse for tired bodies. Let her have her way with you. God's grace is like the sunshine. Let your whole being be enwrapped in the Divine spirit. The Divine spirit heals and cures the mind. Let it have its way and all will be well." Twenty-Four Hours a Day

It's July in Oklahoma so I'm not sure I would get much from living in the sunshine right now except a sunburn and a lot of sweat. But I surely do need to live in the Divine Spirit. For whatever reason I am sad and tired right now and my mind wants to run to the negative. There really is no discernible reason! I will consult the Divine Spirit for what activities for this day and ask that my mind be cured.

Sad

Another sad day. Why? Don't know. Maybe I'll become aware in a few days; maybe not. It just is. It might be inactivity. I was tired today because of activity yesterday and fell asleep in the afternoon after sleeping late. Whatever. But it's a holiday for freedom and I'm glad for that.

"You should not doubt that better things are ahead for you. Go forward unafraid because you feel deeply safe under God's protection. Twenty-Four Hours A Day.

Freedom

I pray that I may lose my limitations in the immensity of God's love. Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I woke up at 6:15 this morning after a solid night's sleep beginning around 9:00 p.m. last night. Boy did that feel good. I had a long day yesterday and was very tired. Sometimes that means I will sleep well. Sometimes it doesn't. Last night it did. It's a big deal to wake up before 10:00 in the morning since I often sleep 10 to 12 hours a night (with a couple of wake ups). So, I think this means I'm doing a little better with healing from surgery. Yay! That in turn means that I can do more during the day - besides watch Law and Order re-runs that is. I certainly am limited and certainly I need God's love to accept my limitations without fear.

Never Alone Again

When I first came into recovery, they told me I would never have to be alone again. That was hugely comforting to me because one of my greatest fears was that I was so unlovable that I would always be alone. I felt alone when I was with people. I felt alone when I was with people who said they loved me (I didn't believe them, really). And I could barely stand to be actually alone. I thought they meant that I would always have the people of the program but they meant I would always have God. Now - in my current state - I spend a lot of time alone. I can feel my old self lurking just out of the corner of my eye but that's as much as I can see. For the most part I can feel my greatest friend and parent present and I am not alone.

"What is sometimes called holiness is often only the invitation of God to be our Friend. As God becomes your friend, you become a friend to others. We experience true human friendship and from this experience we can imagine what kind of a Great Friend God can be. We believe Him to be a tireless, selfless, all conquering, miracle-working Friend. We can reach out to the Great Friend and figuratively take His hand in ours. I pray that I may think of God as a Great Friend in need." Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I can find my clothes

I had more to do this week than last week and I had more energy to do everything needed. Funny how that seems to work out! I'm feeling a little better every day. I've been off pain meds for a week and doing fine with that. Thanks to the help of friends, I'm gradually putting my house in order for my new circumstances. For example, I've had wardrobe issues bccause I couldn't find some of my clothes and couldn't reach the ones I could find. But today, everything is more or less in reach and the lost has been found.

Last night I celebrated my 25th Sobriety birthday and it was lovely. Guys from my group carried me up the stairs and back down again for the meeting. (the church rented out the gym downstairs to another group where we usually meet - grrr). The guys did a great job - didn't scare me a bit.

So many simple things to be grateful for.

Recovery

Up and down and grateful for weird things - that's recovery from surgery. Yesterday they took 38 staples out of my right leg and 6 out of my left leg. This is very good. Not so good - Dr. Dreamy held fast to my being grounded for another four weeks. No driving, no standing, no exercising my legs except for isometrics. Hmmm. I can do this.

Explanation

Interesting - sometimes I mentally forget the anniversary of my son's death 29 years ago but my body never does. That's the explanation for the broken hearted day but I didn't realize it until today.

It doesn't work to sit around with no purpose

Today was the day I didn't need to rest any more. I've been sleeping off the drugs but I'm finished. I tried to rest because I still felt like I needed to but I felt worse. Time to get up and do something even if it's just looking out the window at the beautiful sky!

Broken Heart

I'm not sure why - but I woke up (late) with that broken heart feeling I used to have all the time. It may just be the effect of narcotic pain meds. At any rate, when I got through taking medicine and eating a banana, it was just another day. Thank you, God.

I'm back

So grateful to be home! In my own bed. With my cat. With my own food. I feel a lot better. My legs are the same length. My left leg gave bone to my right. So I'm babying them both for awhile. All is well.

Here I Go

Tomorrow is the day before the surgery to fix the broken hardware in my leg and do another bone graft. I got the really important stuff done today - tan, manicure, trip to the hospital for pre-surgery stuff, trip to chiropractor to get my back straight before surgery, meeting with staff at the Association to map out a plan for a diversity outreach project. I know the tan and manicure sound frivolous but I've learned that the frivolous stuff makes me feel better. I'm out of some perfume that I love and I'm going to go get some tomorrow to take to the hospital. I am so very lucky - my friend who is a doctor will be here tomorrow and will go with me to the hospital and stay for three days and my oldest daughter will also be here. I am blessed even though my leg doesn't work. Also, tomorrow I will make some chili, vegetable soup and chicken breasts for the folks to eat while I'm gone. That will be comforting too.

Choices

We all make choices in our lives on a daily basis. We may not realize it, howeer, because these choices are too often unconscious and passive. We choose to accept the legacy of a dysfunctional upbringing and the confused understanding of intimacy we learned from our parents. We may choose to be victims of our emotions and sexual drives; and we may choose to remain trapped by self-defeating relationship styles and behaviors, even though these styles and behviors don't get us what we want. Getting Love Right. Terence Gorski

The work is never-ending. Plus it's hard to even find the information we need even if we notice we need it. After we get the informtion, then comes the hard, daily work of putting it into practice. But I am so grateful to be on the journey although it's incredibly hard!

Don't Do Anything Too Stupid

One of the greatest gifts I've received from my recovery program is the ability to manage emotions - especially the kind of emotions that tempt me to do things I know better than to do. I wish I could say that I have this totally managed but I don't. The thing is, I really do know that when I have strong feelings and really want to act out, it's usually fear - fear from my past experiences. My brain is trying to save me from another bad experience but my poor brain can't tell the difference between something important and something unimportant. So I react in a way that really doesn't have anything to do with the present. Knowing this gives me the power to stop and think and pray - which usually keeps me from doing anything too stupid!

Supply or Demand

The war on drugs... don't they remember about prohibition? They focused on solving the problems with the effects of alcohol on humans by banning it. Gosh. That didn't work out very well, did it? The war on drugs is going just as well. Humans are very smart and inventive when it comes to feeding our addictions. I believe prostitution is illegal also but seems to continue to thrive. Not to be too sarcastic but maybe it's time to try something else. Unless, of course, we're just going through the motions of doing what we know won't work so that people will think something is being done. I'm waiting for the day when the drug problem is addressed on the demand side instead of the supply side. With the money we're spending on the drug wars, we could probably send every addict through treatment about 10 times. The ones who didn't recover could just be locked up and given all the drugs they wanted. It would at least reduce crime! I really don't think this is going to happen in my lifetime. But it does seem to be logical.

Self Restraint

I'm reading something that makes a distinction between emotions and impulses. Good! Impulsive behavior is always a disaster in my experience. I'm usually feeling threatened so just attack when I think I've been attacked. Not good. I have a lifetime of little hurts I still have not resolved - although I'm working on it - and I'm liable to attack when I haven't actually been hurt. Then I have a mess to clean up. Then there's the other problem - when I've actually been attacked and just freeze up instead of doing something about it - which leads to resentment which in turn leads to my attacking when I haven't been attacked, etc. etc. etc. Learning to pause when I feel an impulse - oh! more valuable than gold!

Wounded Spirits

What we all want most is to be loved and accepted. Somehow we get all twisted up and refuse to love and accept until the other person loves and accepts us first. That never, ever works. We seem to think our relationship is unique and everyone else is loved and accepted in their relationships - just not us. The one we're with is just cruel and cold. But underneath that belief is the belief that we don't actually deserve to be loved. Usually we got that idea from the conditional love we got from our parents who never were unconditionally loved themselves. So we pass this mess on to our children and suffer every day from lack of love. The solution lies in the love of God but as long as we're looking to a human for it, we can't get love from God. But the love of God is real and healing and has given me the ability to love people who were not being loveable at the moment. But sustaining this knowledge is a daily struggle. But it's worth whatever I have to do on this planet full of wounded spirits.

Relationships

I'm at the beginning of another class for recovering people based on the second book by Earnie Larson, Stage II Relationships. I'm having all sorts of fun re-reading books I have in my library looking for tidbits that might be helpful to participants. I'm contantly struck by how much is known scientifically and how little is known by most people in this area. For example, "being in love" is scientifically known as a state brought on by biology to get us to mate and it always wears off in a few months. It's pretty much a state of temporary insanity that has nothing to do with love. Sadly, though, people make lifetime commitments based on it. Very scary.

Fun

What a great time I had last weekend. I drove to Dallas to visit my daughter's family. Friday night was a graduation party for my middle grandson's girlfriend. It was a lovely celebration and I was honored to get to attend . Saturday was the flute festival that my granddaughter was involved in. There were hundreds of flute players everywhere and of course they were practicing for their performances all playing different things. I love the sound of flutes anyway but this was like being in heaven. My granddaughter played well - not as well as I've heard her before but she has a new boyfriend and didn't practice as much as usual. And then there was the performance by a group called Project that was just incredible. They are famous for the variations of sounds they make on their instruments - flute, cello, and bass. I love live music. It fills my soul.

Journey

Here it is about two weeks since I've written here. As I've said before I don't write when I feel lousy. I think I should but I don't because I can't think what to say. So, I feel better than I have and am writing.

The experiment with walking on my unhealed leg in order to encourage it to heal led to it caving in - basically. The hardware broke. The xray looks like a 400 lb woman has been walking on this leg. So I'm waiting for word from the surgery scheduler at my doctor's office to call......

I am wondering if there's anything I can change to increase the odds that it will heal this time. I tend to just accept things the way they are because I'm more comfortable that way. Maybe I should work at creating a state of mind that expects the leg to heal instead of working on just accepting it the way it is. Why not?

Magic

It's the one thing I can't explain about 12 Step meetings - the magic. I have a friend that calls it angel dust that falls on us from the angel wings in meetings. I personally think it's probably all the loving energy at such high levels that we are all healed as soon as we walk in the door. A guy I know once said that he thought God came to AA meetings to have a vacation - no one there wants anything - we've already received the miracles and are exuding gratitude. Whatever. Yesterday was the quarterly women's brunch and meeting. I got to have it at my house although it's small, because there wasn't another place available. We had exactly the right number of people for the chairs I had (miracle). I have a refrigerator full of food - enough to feed me this week. I had a deviled egg and spinach salad for breakfast. But most of all my house is full of angel dust or loving energy - whichever.

Acceptance

Another of my old poems:

I liked it when it was simple
I just wanted
to get what I wanted
I usually didn't get it
but it was SO simple

Now I just want
to want what I get
I can ALWAYS get it
but it sure ain't simple to want it

Stories

"I will rest from my thoughts. I will give my attention wholly to the present. Therein will come solutions, and when least expected." Each Day a New Beginning"

I had the wonderful opportunity to have lunch this weekend with classmates (women) from the graduating class of 1959. We told a lot of stories about ourselves, each other and other people in the class who were not present. Basically gossip but fascinating. The thing is, they were pretty much all sad stories about husbands who ran off with the Spanish maid, guys who committed suicide, etc. It struck me that it was a good thing they were all in the past! Now we are getting up in age and have learned a lot of lessons, so we can have as much fun as possible in the present. And we did!

Fun

I went with my son-in-law's mother to Dallas to help celebrate my son-in-law's 50th birthday. It was a great weekend and a great party.

My middle daughter was born in Korea. She doesn't remember coming to the U.S. because she was too young. For a long time, she resisted knowing anything about where she came from because she hated being different. Now that she's quite a lot older, she's started being interested. Rebecca, my granddaughter, has a friend who is from Korea. I'm posting a picture of Bec's friend's mother in traditional Korean dress. She was Miss Korea at one time. I hope my middle daughter can meet her sometime and be proud of her heritage.

Grrr

I hate writing when I feel crummy. I have been feeling crummy. And I've been feeling crummy for no particular reason which usually means there's something going on that hasn't reached consciousness. I have some strategies for dealing with this condition but the problem is I don't think of them at the time I need them most. I finally came to my senses and dealt with it and now I feel better. In order to deal with these seemingly inevitable pauses, I put the strategies into place so that I don't have to remember. Boy I hope this works.

Dreams

Another amazing dream that made me wake up laughing: I dreamed that I found a green flying bug - about 4 inches from wing tip to wing tip. It turns out that it could also talk. It had the sweetest personality and soon I was extremely attached to it. But I began to worry that something would happen to it when it was out in the world so I built a cage for it for safety. Boy did it ever hat e the cage. It begged me to let it out. Since I loved it so much I did let it out but then I worried incessantly about something hurting it. So I followed it around everywhere it went, which was really tough since it could fly and I couldn't. (Although in some of my dreams I can fly, this wasn't one of them.) That was my whole dream. I ran from place to place trying to keep an eye on this wonderful bug in order to keep it safe. It didn't seem to have good sense and just constantly defied safety by investigating everything that interested it. Hmmm. I was really stressed! Hmmm. Seems like I have experienced this scenario in some of my real life relationships. Ha!

Lagniappe

Creole word meaning "a little bit extra." Pronounced "lanyap." A new word for me. However, it seems that everyone I know who has spent some time in Louisiana knows this wonderful word. I think this word is quite profound. Why not always give "a little bit extra?" Wouldn't that feel good? Wouldn't it be better than trying to give as little as possible? Since 1991 I have supervised people and found that many, many of them try to earn their paychecks by giving just a little bit less than I hoped. I think I may have done this too at some points in my life. It doesn't work. But giving a little bit extra makes everyone happy - especially the giver.

Happy April Fools Day!

This is a very special day because Ron and I went to Eureka Springs on April Fools Day in 1986 to get our marriage license and decide where we wanted to get married. We didn't think about what day it was until we were already there. Then we joked that we could always change our minds since we were getting a marriage license on that day. We laughed about it every year and celebrated it like it was our actual anniversary which was April 16. We were certainly like April Fools. We were in love and frightened half to death. And that was our story for the next 20 years.

More about Loss

If you haven't already, you will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and you never completely get over the loss of a deeply beloved person. But this is also good news. The person lives forever, in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through, and you learn to dance with the banged-up heart. You dance to the absurdities of life; you dance to the minuet of old friendships." Anne Lamott. PLAN B: Further Thoughts on Faith.

Folks, this quote tells the exact and total truth of my experience. I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my first child. I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my third child. And I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my soul mate. And there's good and bad news in the changes.

The bad news: I probably will never be as completely happy as I was capable of before the first big loss. Knowledge of the pain of loss makes the whole world look different. It is no longer possible to believe that everything will eventually be wonderful and stay that way forever. I knew that everything is completely and arbitrarily temporary. After the death of my first child, I believed that at least nothing that awful would happen to me again. It just didn't seem possible. Guess what! There are no such guarantees. For a long time I reacted to that truth by standing back from life as much as I could. That is bad news.

The good news: It is possible to accept the certainty that loss is a consistent part of life and use that truth to sharpen one's connection to life and love. Dancing with a banged up heart is a lot more interesting when you're sure you must seize the moment.

Reunion

Here we are - reunited after 30 years... My first husband's brother, Sam, who is a great guy and was a great kid, plus my daughter, Liz, and her daughter, Rebecca. I am never endingly amazed at how good feelings for someone can last over so much time without any contact. As soon as I saw Sam I felt just as I felt 30 years ago - how much I liked him and had fun with him when we were kids. I think it must be a gift we're given to hold on to good feelings and forget bad ones.

Fun

When I take time to play, to laugh, and to enjoy. I am taking care of myself and giving My Higher Power some room to take care of the rest. Courage to Change

It's Spring Break and for several years now I've spent time with grandchildren in one way or another. For a long time it was my middle child grandson who spent his spring break with me to experience being an only child for a few days. This year my daughter and her 14 year old daughter are here. Of course it's always wonderful to have visitor grandchildren and my daughter. But the side benefit is that I take several days off and just have fun. It's a requirement! This year we're visiting relatives in Springfield and will be visiting Fantastic Caverns. I don't know what it is about caves, but I just love thm. One time I was mad at Ron - don't remember why. He took me to Fantastic Caverns and I got over it!

Tears

There is nothing unenlightened about crying over the tragedy of human suffering; perhaps what is neurotic is how infrequently we do. Marianne Williamson. Everyday Grace.

I have had a week with a lot of challenges. One of the volunteers that worked with us on our big event that was so successful took a lot of liberties and caused a lot of problems that we have spent days trying to straighten out. Once again a dear friend came to my aid and has helped a lot but there still a long way to go. Expending energy on solving problems isn't something that bothers me. On the other hand I have so little energy that the effort costs me days to recover or evenings when I go to bed at 6:00 p.m. and wake up at 8:30 a.m. I'm not used to having so little physical strength. These problems aren't tragedies but I suspect that the volunteer was suffering and probably has been her whole life. It's sad to watch people hurt themselves by their own bad behavior when what they are trying to do is make their lives better. I've been there. I know how bad it hurts. I'm grateful not to be living like that anymore.

Journey Update

Every time I start to do an update on my journey, I resist. I would rather just live day to day and not take an overall look at where I am. But it seems to be very useful to check myself out to see how I'm doing.

When I went to the doctor in January we still couldn't see from the xray whether my femur was healing or not. There's no way to be sure other than opening my leg up and looking - which isn't an option. So, he said to start using the cane and then walk without it and see how that went. So, here I am two plus months later. I walk a little without the cane at home, but my leg does hurt if I do much of that. That tells me the bone is not solid and that the rod that holds my leg together is probably moving. But I can get around with the cane like a house afire. I'm able to walk a lot and pretty fast. It feels so good to be able to go up and down stairs and go wherever I want - yay!

I wonder when, if ever, I will quit thinking about Ron. Maybe I will have to be without him for as long as we were together before he is not such a big part of my life and thoughts still. Of course, enough time has passed now that thinking about him doesn't cause me great pain. He's just there. I'm finishing up a fourth step and our relationship is a big part of what I'm inventorying. But I probably won't know what it all means until the 5th step or maybe even through 9.

I'm going through a tremendous amount of change right now. All good things but very challenging. I'm doing the first in a series of classes for recovering people that Ron and I talked about doing but never did due to his health problems. We'll see how that goes. I think it is time for me to look for other ways to earn a living other than working for the Alzheimer's Association. I need a less stressful kind of work so that my body can heal without having to deal with stress. I'm also committed to working toward being a published writer. I haven't made much progress there because I'm still trying to finish all the odds and ends that are left from the wreck. I still need to clean out some of Ron's stuff - especially in the garage. I'm making my will and doing all my "end of life" stuff that needs to be changed. I'm almost there but not quite. When I get that stuff done, I will have serious time to write.

All in all, I'm satisfied with where I am. I wish I were farther along but considering the barriers I have, I think I've done pretty well. I have more energy now than I did and my sleep patterns are not as screwy. My eating is healthier and I've lost a tiny amount of weight. The foundation for everything is my physical well being and I've made more progress there than anywhere else. Thank you, God, family and friends for all you give me. Nothing would be working without that support.

Cold

It has been really cold the past few days and I feel it more now with all this metal in my leg. It's harder to warm up again once I get chilled. I realized that I was hibernating inside to avoid getting cold. Not good. So I now have some pink silk long underwear. It's working. While I was at it I bought a silk quilt too. Now I'm warm all night too. Amazing and odd the things I'm grateful for these days.

Rebecca and the Snow in Texas

It finally snowed in Texas. Rebecca did the snow dance last night and it worked. She's letting snow flakes melt on her tongue. Yay for snow in Texas.

Meditating with the Devil

The topic at the meeting I went to on Saturday was "worry." I heard a lot about faith being the answer, staying in the now, etc. But then I heard that worry was "meditating with the devil." Wow - that has got to be true. When I'm worrying I'm making myself miserable and probably making everybody around me miserable. What a great way for evil to get a foothold in my life!

Love

"We need not wait for someone else's expression of love before giving it. When we love, it will be returned tenfold. Love attracts itself, and it will heal us, soften the hard edges of our lives." Each Day a New Beginning

There have been some times when I really lived by this and was amazed at the results. Then I got hooked on the love I got from one person. When the supply was interrupted I got crazy like addicts do. Then it was REALLY hard to give love. Besides that, I finally realized that this is not a promise that I will be loved by the person I want to love me. While I'm longing for that love, I'll miss the rest of the love that's coming my way. And lots of it is, and I am so grateful.

I Gave Them a Piece of My Mind

I wish I had that
piece of my mind
back now.
They didn't want it
any way.
I miss it
because I felt really smart
for a minute but then
I got to feeling stupid
and no wonder
with such a big
piece of my mind missing.

1988

As I begin to write seriously, I looked back at some of the things I wrote in the past. Here's one of my favorite poems I wrote 20 years ago.

How to Rescue other People

"... you can never really live anyone else's life, not even your own child's. The influence you exert is through your own life and what you become yourself." - Eleanor Roosevelt

When I was about six months into recovery, I desperately wanted to save all the people I loved. I knew I had finally found the answers I had been searching for my whole life, and at last had found relief from fear, crisis, and disaster. I knew they needed what I had found. I knew they must want to be relieved of their own misery. Well, guess what? They didn't. They looked at me like I had two heads and had gone completely crazy and was in the grip of a cult. One of them said I had been "brainwashed." I remember thinking that I probably had been brainwashed - my brain needed it!

So, in my despair at not being able to save my dear ones, I called my sponsor who said that this was how recovery worked. Of course, you want to pass on the wonderful gift you've received to the ones you love. The thing is, they won't accept it from this person they've known for years as a screw up and a general crack pot. The only way to help them is to get well and happy yourself over a period of time, and then they might want what you have. Of course, they will not ask you for help. They'll ask someone else. Most of the people you can directly help will be people you don't have a relationship with.

Hmmm. I could see the logic in that. So, I quit trying to save them and worked on myself. As far as I know, none of the people I was desperately trying to save have ever availed themselves of recovery. The reason I don't know for sure is that they got bored with me and left my life! But I've gotten quite well and happy.

Now my problem is that the people around me think that I'm some kind of paragon since I seem to be able to handle a lot of crap in my life without crashing and burning. That's because they didn't know me before, of course. When they tell me how wonderful I am, I respond by explaining that it's not me, it's my recovery program. Then they think I'm being excessively modest. But no, they are missing the point! The same power to handle life is available to them too. Phooey. I still haven't been able to figure out how to handle this. Maybe it's the same thing as before: Let them think what they want and go on working on me.

Teen Aged Pregnancy

Awhile ago I saw "Juno" which being a movie about a teen ager who got pregnant and seemed to be a kind of comedy, interested me. I had a friend who worked at a school program for pregnant teen age girls. We were both puzzled as to why this happened with birth control finally easily available. Well, apparently, like in the movie, sex isn't planned and so the couple isn't prepared.

In the old days, birth control was just not doing it. But at sleep overs the girls whispered in corners about how impossible it seemed to not do it. I would guess that about half or more of the steady couples were doing it. And there were a lot of pregnancies. So sad because lives were just derailed by the disgrace, shame, secrecy and responsibility of a child. Now, of course, there's not so much shame and disgrace but there's still the responsibility which teenagers are just not ready for. Lives are still derailed. I wish I knew what the answer was because all of us lose when teenagers have to grow up before they're ready and lose their dreams of the future.

Solving Problems

"It appears to me that most of the wrenching turmoil in people’s lives—whether or not they are alcoholic—derives from too stubborn persistence in trying to resolve insoluble problems. That is why the philosophy contained in the Serenity Prayer is one of the most important guidelines I’ve found in A.A." © 1973 AAWS, Inc.; Came to Believe, 30th printing 2004, pg. 111

I love that phrase: "wrenching turmoil." That should be my middle name. Learning to live with unsolvable problems has been one of the greatest challenges I've ever had on my journey. Ron's health and money problems almost tore me to shreds. I loved him absolutely and knew he was a thoroughly good person through and through. But he had a terrible flat spot in his brain where money and health were concerned, and both of those problems of his had a tortuous effect on me. He was sick a lot in the last 10 years of our marriage which disrupted his showing his love and caring for me. A huge loss for a love junkie like myself. And money - oh my God. I couldn't believe the craziest things he said. He never did believe he was an over spender even though his outgo exceeded his income consistently.

Somehow, with the help of advisors, I managed to live with these unsolvable problems - after, of course, trying absolutely everything I could think of to get him to solve them many, many times! What I got from that experience was a clear sense of how "wrenching turmoil" feels. If I get that feeling, I know I've come in contact with an unsolvable problem. The only thing to do is pry my fingers off the problem, pray for acceptance, go to a whole lot of meetings, check with other people to make sure I'm not missing something and giving up too soon, and then buckle down and learn to live with the problem. That knowledge has come in very handy in learning to live with my current disability. I've heard over and over in recovery that acceptance is the key to everything, and that how I respond in impossible situations is what will give me peace of mind - NOT changes in my circumstances. Hard to do but worth it.

Progress, not Perfection

Well, I'm still working on that todo list but I'm finally seeing the end of it. And I'm not adding more things to it. Of course, the goal was to finish by the end of January and start the new year off with stuff done... Nevertheless, I feel pretty good about how much I have accomplished considering how little energy I have on some days.

I had my sleep study and now have a CPAP which still isn't being used since I can't figure out how to get the distilled water in there - but I'm close! I have been to physical therapy several times and can easily do all the balance and strength exercises Kathy gives me. In fact, I've resumed doing a little yoga. I can do down dog, warrior and triangle - not perfectly but well enough to really help my back. The yoga was something I added to the physical therapy exercises that I do almost every day now. I've resumed my meditation practice and have been able to be fairly consistent (5 days out of 7 most weeks). I've started eating my own cooking most of the time instead of take out. And since I'm getting enough sleep and better nutrition, I'm not hungry all the time like I have been for so long. I've even been able to feed some of my friends here and there. My will is almost finished. I still have to talk to some members of the family about it before it's finalized, but it's very close. I've gone through stacks of papers and thrown a lot of unnecessary stuff away. Extra blankets and sheets are now stored in those packages where you vacuum out the air - the thing is, the seal on the packages isn't great so... But they're stored anyway. My closets are now cleaned out and everything is where I want it so I can hang up my clothes after washing them! The black history event the Alzheimer's Association puts on each year as outreach to the African American community was a huge success. I didn't do much except help with some details and cheer Beverly on, but I did feel part of the success since I insist that we do it. There's more but I'm getting bored with this. So finally and best of all, I've arranged to do the first in a series of classes for recovering people that I know is needed but I'm not sure is wanted. The only way to find out is to offer them and see what happens.

The ability to do all of this is purely a gift. I just had a small disagreement with someone yesterday who insisted I was unique and wonderful because I have accomplished so much in the face of adversity. I insisted I was not unique and that everything I do and who I am is a gift. I'm totally not who I used to be. I enjoy the compliments but I know for a fact that I have not changed from my own resources. The love and support from friends, the love and strength given to me my higher power - all are the reasons I can do anything.

Thank you.

My Valentines Day Present

This is my beautiful granddaughter, Rebecca, who was born on Valentines Day and is therefore my Valentines Day present every year. My oldest two grandson's were born on my birthday and the day after my birthday respectively and are, therefore, my birthday presents every year. So thoughtful of their mother to have these babies just to please me. And I am very pleased!

Happiness

"One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness - simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self-denial to a point, love of work, and above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain" - George Sand

I've noticed that when happiness is discussed like in the quote above, there is no mention of Prince Charming or large sums of money. I was raised on fairy tales where people suddenly became rich and were swept away by love. Of course, I am a child of the 40s and 50s, so everyone was taught this stuff. They didn't mention work, self-denial and clear consciences. If they had I wouldn't have believed them. I've been in love and I've had the experience of having enough money. Both are delightful. But I've also had the experience of not being in love and not having enough money and still being pretty happy. It's a relief to know that I have some ability to be happy no matter what. Right now I'm pretty happy. No prince charming and not very much money. I'm still pretty happy!

Decisions

"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." Ancient Chinese proverb

Another great way to say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I used to think I was just a leaf in the wind - at the mercy of the people, circumstances and events in my life. Then I had an awakening due to my recovery program. It turns out that I'm responsible for my life through the decisions and choices I make. Not that I have control over others, the weather, world events, etc. but I am in charge of my responses. What a freedom! My life changed enormously.

Perfect Rose

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

-Dorothy Parker

This is really pretty funny. But I'd be very happy with one perfect rose. I've got some terrific Valentine's Day cards around here. Ron and I had a mushy card contest going - not just valentines. Which ever one of us cried, the other one won. Before Ron - I don't actually remember getting valentines - except, of course, in school when every one got one.

Almost everyone I've ever talked to hates Valentines Day. Men tell me they don't know what to get so they just ignore it. They're afraid their sweetheart will hate what they get. So, of course, women hate it because - well, that's obvious. Someone - maybe me - should set up a 900 number to give ideas to men for what to get for their sweethearts. For example, jewelry is always good. But lots of women might just be thrilled if he picked his dirty underwear up for the rest of the year.

Fear

"If your children were afflicted by fearful images, you would take them in your arms and rock them with a lullaby. And so we must begin to treat ourselves like our only child...We intensify fear by trying to force it away...the first step in healing fear is accepting it. " Unattended Sorrow. Stephen Levine

I lived my life in terror; driven to action by it; desperately trying to escape. I remember being afraid when my children were afraid because I didn't know how to comfort them - because I didn't know how to deal with my own fear. It was torture; only relieved by ingesting chemicals or being absorbed in reading something.

In recovery I was taught to examine my fear, talk to someone about it, and then get out of myself by helping someone else - although some of my suggestion-givers suggested I make my bed and go to the grocery store. They also suggested that I turn my life and will over to the care of God and be willing to accept whatever happened after that. I still had/have fear from time to time. I was so attached to Ron that his health problems caused me extreme fear, but I eventually began to have relief from that.

Right now I'm grateful because I really don't have fear - a little mild anxiety about money and health but even so the anxiety is really mild. At my age both those things are realistic to have some anxiety about, but the anxiety is mostly about not being able to handle whatever happens or just anxiety about being uncomfortable. It's really not enough to even cause much of a ripple on the surface of my mind.

Economics

It really worries me that we're being told that spending money is what will help the current problems with the economy. I don't get it. It works the other way around in my household budget. When there's trouble, the answer is usually to spend less. As I've said before, I possibly should try to learn something about economics instead of just having opinions but I'm almost afraid if I learn something it might mess up my simplistic ideas. That might be a bad thing.

Businesses would still make money if people quit spending money on stuff they can't afford and don't need. The business that would make money would be the ones selling food and other necessities. That might not be a bad way to live for awhile. For every dollar I earn and then spend on something I don't need, is a certain amount of my life/time that I've wasted, because to earn the dollar I spent time and energy doing something.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."- Henry David Thoreau

Grief

On Monday I got up and did my morning stuff and then went back to bed. I felt really, really tired and just couldn't get it together. When I lay down I really expected to go right back to sleep but I just lay there feeling exhausted. I never did feel any better although I lay down all day. I finally fell asleep pretty early in the evening. When I woke up yesterday morning I didn't feel particularly rested although I had been resting for 24 hours.

Yesterday was a busy day - I had one appointment after another and made it to all of them. I was surprised when I went home in the afternoon that I wasn't particularly tired. All at once I was aware that Monday was Ron's 25th AA birthday. Our AA birthdays were really big days for us. Both of us loved the program, loved recovery and were absolutely joyous about celebrating. So some part of me was sad and it was expressed in physical tiredness. I've experienced this before - on the anniversary of my son's death I have been tired like that and unable to rest but didn't realize what day it was. I eventually learned to be aware and to spend the day remembering my son and celebrating his life instead of lying in bed.

Evidently I've passed into another phase of grief where my conscious mind isn't going to alert me to what day it is, but my body is going to grieve without my awareness. Interesting. I've never read about this in any books about grief but I'll bet I'm not the only one. I'll mark Ron's AA birthday on my calendar so I can celebrate it with awareness.

I'm so grateful for the awareness I have. Otherwise I would think I was crazy or something awful. It's not awful - it just is.

Love and Fights

"When we have been attacked, the mystic's prayer is to feel from God the love that has been denied us by someone else. We pray for the ability to send love to someone who has withheld it from us, that we not contribute to the ....suffering between us...When someone has not shown us their love, our power lies in knowing that they would have, had they known how. " Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace.

Boy, do I wish I could do this. Attack = defend/counterattack in my hard wiring. Certainly only the grace of God can make any kind of change in my hard wiring. But from years of experience with loving my husband and knowing him in depth, I know it was true that on the occasions I felt attacked, he was usually attacking himself at some level. Every once in awhile I was able to respond in love; but mostly I defended and attacked back. Except for the time when he was really mad at me about something and in his frustration attacked me with the worst thing he could think of. He said I was the worst housekeeper he had ever seen. That time I was struck dumb. At that time I thought housekeeping was a waste of time, and took a certain amount of pride in only doing what I absolutely had to. So, it was the worst thing he could think of to criticize me for while I could be a little bit proud of it. Weird. I almost laughed. Glad I didn't.

What You See is What You Get

The saying above was from Flip Wilson's Geraldine character on his tv show in the 70s. I loved that show. I think "funny" comes a lot from surprise and his show was surprising. Geraldine was a self-confident woman that put herself out there big time and didn't seem to care what anyone thought. She knew she was magnificent. One of the first things I was told in recovery was that we're only as sick as the secrets we keep. I was sure if I told someone all my secrets that I would be judged and rejected. But that's not what happened. I was loved and accepted instead.

These days I am not on guard all the time like I used to be to make sure no one saw the real me. It has become a habit to be who I am. I sometimes catch myself, however, keeping quiet about what I want for fear someone will think I'm grandiose. I'm working on letting those secrets go too. It works.

"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Direction

"I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome." - Golda Meir

Oh, this is very strange. It's exactly what I need to apply to my current situation. I didn't know how much of the time I try to figure out how something is going to work out as a way of determining what to do. And, of course, I have no idea how something is going to work out since I can't read the future. No wonder I get stuck. So, all I really have to do is ask my Higher Power and my heart "what is the next right thing to do?" Wow! Amazing. I usually have little trouble with this way of deciding a direction. But once I start trying to predict the future, I get really scared and get stuck. Okay. Onward.

Trust My Aspirations?

"How many dreams have we let die? How many projects did we start, only to leave them unfinished? How many times have we promised ourselves, "this time will be different," but then didn't work to make it so?" Each Day a New Beginning.

Okay; enough stalling around. Today is the day I quit cleaning house and start on these projects I've promised myself for a lifetime to get done. Ugh! I am really nervous. But time is up for sure. At 66 how much more longer can I stall!? I'm not even sure what is in my way except fear of failure and ridicule, but I know how to over come those obstacles. Of course in previous cases I've been driven by a greater fear of some kind like, "I must do this even though I'm terrified because my kids are in danger." Or," I must do this because I'll lose my job if I don't." I know about forcing myself forward through fear because of a greater fear but absolutely nothing about going forward because I want something badly.

I'm grateful for my recovery program because I'm not alone in my efforts. So, my first step is going to be to call some people for support.

Just for Today

I had a diet coke with my burger which I ate at around 8:00 p.m. last night. Because of that I had a crummy night's sleep - went to sleep around midnight and woke up at 4:00. And I have a busy day ahead. I really want to get some of these items checked off my to do list that have been on there long enough for me to get worried. I need to order some checks, make a deposit at the bank, pick up a prescription (call from the pharmacy that if I don't pick it up, they'll put it back) and about 20 other things. I just detailed all this into a schedule and it doesn't fit in the time available - plus there's no way I have the energy after an abbreviated night's sleep. It seems I made some ineffective decisions somewhere along the way. Luckily I've been taught that I have choices. So just for today I'll enjoy my life anyway and accept with as good a grace as possible, my less than intelligent choices.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." Just for Today

Faith

"Faith is a way of saying, "Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." -Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love

Faith isn't a word I use much. I'm bad at believing anything without some kind of proof. So, they told me to experiment. Try asking something I didn't believe in to help me. Being desperate, I did. Then I noticed that a lot of things were getting better that I had tried and tried to fix without result. Hmmm. I still don't understand, but now I think as a human I'm probably incapable of understanding. I don't need it. I have proof that there's a force for good that helps me every day.

Change

"...when the time comes for us to accept a change. We'll know when it's coming. Our present circumstances will begin to pinch." Each Day a New Beginning

I've been ignoring my anxiety and procrastination about getting going with some projects I've promised myself to do. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a writer. I've been writing prolifically as part of my work for years and years, but I don't think about that as being a writer. I have many ideas for what I want to do and someone in my life who thinks what I write is publishable, but I've been stuck. However, right now my present circumstances have begun to pinch. That must mean it's time to move ahead. What I've been forgetting is that I'm not alone. If this is what is supposed to be, then it will happen. If not, it won't. The failure for me would be being on my deathbed having never given it a shot.

Economics

I'll start by admitting that I really am ignorant of the subject of economics. I probably need to study it since I have all these questions and ideas. Nevertheless, in spite of my ignorance, I have opinions.

When I was in junior high or high school, I think I remember learning that investing in stocks was about owning part of companies and getting dividends from companies that were doing well. You checked into public information about companies and invested in the ones that were doing a good job and making money. I don't remember a single thing about guessing which stocks were going to go up in price and making money that way. To my surprise as an adult it seemed to me that it was just a gamble/guess, and you had to sell the stock to make money.

No one seems to actually know why stock goes up or down in price. It seems like the "sheep" all run in one direction or another because they're scared of something or because they think they're going to get rich from buying stock when the market is going up. No one actually seems to notice that prices go up and then they go down. It's a crisis and everyone gets very upset when prices start going down - like it's never happened before.

Lots of people have lots of opinions about how it works, but I always want to know what their track record is - are they making lots of money from good guesses? That never seems to be shared as part of their opinion. Scary.

Then it seems that everyone thinks "the economy" is doing well when the stock market prices are going up. What is "the economy" anyway? Who decided how to define it? How do we know they were right? I equate everything to my household budget - my "economy" is doing well when I have more coming in than going out, when I have a prudent reserve and when I'm gainfully employed in some way. By that standard our "economy" has been doing lousy for a long time. Government spends tons of money it doesn't have and doesn't have a prudent reserve. Businesses routinely lie about how much money they're making so their stock will go up. No wonder things are in a mess.

I wish I had answers for this because it affects me and everyone else.

Oh Barak!

I'm feeling sad. Barak has let Hillary and Bill drag him into a nasty round of accusations. I was surprised that he let it happen. Didn't he know that was how it was going to go? I figured he had a plan as to how to handle it when they twisted his words and put him down. But maybe he's not as smart as I thought.

I'm not sure how he should handle it, but striking back means he's sunk to their level. (Someone asked me once - "Do you know how to get even with a son-of-a-bitch?" Answer: "Sink to their level") In other words, you have not handled it well. Maybe a simple, "that's not true" would work combined with a "truth squad" that provided a more thorough explanation in another venue, and then a return to the issues at hand.

I still credit Barak with the wonderful goal of rising above the infighting and separatist politics that have disgusted me for years and eaten away at my hope for enlightened leadership. But I'm sorely disappointed that the Clinton's dragged him into the mud so easily. I'm truly bummed.

Realistic Optimism

I just saw a very "dark" movie which portrayed some of the very worst in human beings and in our world right now. I heard from someone else that it was depressing. I wasn't depressed and I wondered about it. I thought the movie was a work of art as it showed the underside of life. Maybe something is wrong with me that I don't get depressed when I am confronted with evidence of the terrible things in the world. I don't really know if something is wrong with me. I don't think so.

I have worked hard in my recovery to accept myself and the world around me as I am and as the world is and still remain optimistic. It wasn't that difficult once I accepted that I didn't have the power to change myself or anything in the world without the help of a higher power. To the extent that I don't face myself as I am and the world as it is, I am truly powerless. I won't even have sense enough to ask for help from my higher power.

My life has had quite a lot of difficulties that sometimes shock other people. That fact may have a bearing on why I'm not shocked by the tragedies in the world. I'm not living in a fantasy land where nothing bad happens if you behave yourself; and so those tragedies happening to other people - well, they probably did something to cause them to happen and since I'm behaving myself, I don't need to be concerned about what's happening to other people. No, I know that much tragedy is simply random or has multiple causes.

My task as a human is to learn to live in the real world and contribute to the greater good as I'm able. The trick is to stay optimistic while facing the truth. I can only do that because I believe in a force for good in the universe that I can align myself with.

"Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built." As Bill Sees It

Journeys

"Try to see in all things some fulfillment of the Divine Intent." Twenty -Four Hours a Day

I'm really on two trips at the same time: learning to live without Ron and physically recovering from the wreck. It's a struggle because I can't actually focus on one at a time because they're happening simultaneously and I have little control over either trip. I'm grateful for the structure my recovery program gives me - I believe there's a gift from the force for good in the universe in both trips.

Right now I'm more and more thankful for Ron's and my relationship. The first ten years of our marriage he was the one with the stability and could give me the support I needed to re-do my life, make amends to my children with disabilities, and get comfortable with myself. Most of the time during those years I felt unconditionally loved. Amazing healing took place at a time when I was most hard on myself and feeling the most worthless.

I know I'm not supposed to take my self worth from what someone else feels about me. But too bad. I did. It worked. I wish I had been as good at giving him unconditional love when he needed it. I still have the feeling that wherever he is, he still loves me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that a person I loved and respected convinced me that I was a wonderful, beautiful, capable child of God.

The most recent trip to the orthopedic surgeon revealed very little from the xrays. He was happy that I had done well with walking with only one crutch. He said since there didn't appear to be any movement of the rod, pins, and wires that are holding my femur together, he was going to guess that the femur was healing. So, my instructions are to switch to the cane, and when I'm strong and doing well with that, stop using any assistance with locomotion, walk independently and hope my leg will hold me up.

My friend, Peggy, who comes with me to most of my doctor appointments, was elated. I was cautiously optimistic. I just wish there was a way to know what is truly going on with that bone, but there isn't, short of opening up my leg. So, I just have to move forward and see what happens. My wheelchair is folded up behind the kitchen table. It's close by - not in the garage. But my butt hasn't been anywhere near it for a over a month.

At this point I finally have the energy to work on getting some routines in my life that will support what I really want to do. Now that my every waking moment isn't taken up with trying to function while being exhausted, in physical and emotional pain and overwhelmed with doctor appointments; I'm thinking about having an organized home, good nutrition, time to write, time to build my new business, and time to grow spiritually. My goal is to finish setting up these routines and learning them as well as cleaning up some of the most messy parts of the house by the end of the month. Let's see - I have about 10 days. I've been at it for a couple of days now and gone to bed totally worn out but feeling good. So, maybe I will make it by the end of the month.

I have a dream day

I was awake and in the world during the time Martin Luther King was doing his work. I had never heard of non-violence as a way of changing the world and was fascinated. I remember watching the marches with the police violence and waking up to the state of human nature. My heart felt broken for the injustice and cruelty. As time has passed, I've rejoiced at the changes I've seen AND I know there's still a long way to go. Another one of my "soap box" speeches is on why we don't expend tons of research dollars on finding out what motivates humans to be violent and cruel and whether we can change. I have a dream that we'll all wake up and put our resources in the really important things.

Creative Actions

"Reaction isn't action - that is, it's not truly creative." - Elizabeth Janeway, Each Day a New Beginning

Freedom to be creative - that's one of the amazing things I've learned in recovery. I am not at the mercy of my past mistakes, negative experiences, or current struggles! I'm free to decide how I want to be and how I want my life to be regardless of outside circumstances.

Today I'm sitting in the midst of my creativity and having a good laugh at myself. My kitchen table still has a huge bunch of left over Christmas stuff - two dead poinsettias, green and red placemats and the platter, red paper plates and "Santa, I can explain..." napkins that never got used for the Christmas brunch because of the ice storm. The office floor is covered with wrapping paper and gifts that haven't been wrapped, let alone delivered because, although I've been home two weeks, I'm still struggling with the magazines, catalogs and mail that came while I was in Texas. All those are on the kitchen floor and the dining room table. I can't put away the Christmas brunch stuff until I clean out a shelf in the linen closet. I really have been working at it, but for some reason it's very slow.

I have, however, had time to go to the movies, eat lunch and dinner with friends, do a tiny bit of work, and buy a used, fake mink bedspread. I'm also making to do lists, calendars, schedules and using every resource I can find to help me do a better job of being creative rather than reactive in 2008. I'm having a glorious time.

New Year

The rule I thought up just now is that I have until the end of January to start the new year. Of course I realize that I can start a new year anytime. It's just arbitrary. But something about January gives me hope that this will be the year I lose weight, get in shape, get organized, and become a better person in general. I refuse to give up the hope. There's a good chance that I would weigh more, have fewer muscles, be more confused and be a cranky old woman if it weren't for new year's resolutions. I'm grateful for the hope. Luckily I also have a lot of help available to me.

"God never, ever asks us to do anything that God does not equip and supply us to do." Melody Beattie, Co-Dependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps

"Grief Calls Us to Open Our Hearts in Hell" - Stephen Levine

The above quote is from Unattended Sorrow which is probably my favorite book on grief. Stephen Levine and his wife have been working with grieving people since the 70s. And he knows what he's talking about. No bullshit as that quote shows. In fact, opening my heart in hell has been the only way of making my way in grief. I've tried other ways - like getting drunk and staying that way, going to bed and pulling the covers over my head, getting furious at the world and life and acting out accordingly. None of them work. They only made things and me a whole lot worse.

Levine says, "The inclination to disown our pain degrades us and turns our pain into suffering. Approaching the pain with mercy and awareness, we are called to open our hearts to it." This is unbelievably hard to do. The program has taught me to have mercy on myself for my flaws - even for my unwillingness to bear the pain of grief. It seems to me, though, that the pain of grief is equal to the love I had for the person who died; so the greater the love, the more impossible it is to escape the pain. What else is there to do really, except try to open my heart to it?

"...all that we love will someday turn to dust. But the love will remain. A love that calls us even now to attend more fully as much to the sorrow remaining from a departed loved one as to the unloved parts of ourselves." Quote from Levine again. I'm glad I knew this when Ron died. For awhile my love for the others in my life was what was mostly in my awareness - overshadowing his loss. And I still loved myself as I have since having worked the steps enough times to learn who I really am - with all my flaws - because I know I am God's beloved child. The odd thing was that I lost my conscious contact with God for awhile. I wasn't mad at God. I wasn't questioning the justice of Ron's death and my injuries. I just had no energy to even think about conscious contact. I felt quite lost but still knew God was present even though I couldn't feel it. I felt much like a woman quoted in Unattended Sorrow: "I'm feeling a little better. But to tell the truth, I would rather be with Robert (her husband who died) than with God."

I still feel a little bit that way sometimes. But wherever Ron is, I'm sure he's with God. So, God and Ron are kind of mixed up with each other. When I'm talking to God, I'm talking to Ron. When I'm talking to Ron, I'm talking to God. They are surely in touch with each other and in the same place. There's some resolution in that.

My Christmas Presents - Grandsons and Girlfriends

Left to Right:
Thien, Adam's girlfriend, Adam; Aaron and Amy,
Aaron's girlfriend. And, of course, Rusty

" Shed peace, not discord, wherever you go....Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

This concept from my morning meditation really makes me think. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with ignoring evil, but I do believe it's my job to shed peace not discord. Seeing myself in my mind's eye shedding peace....hmmm. It's pretty easy to see myself shedding discord, because I've done a lot of that in my life and I'm fairly new at shedding peace.

I can absolutely testify that fighting evil with discord does not work well at all. I've actually won a lot of the fights I've taken on. But you know what - even when I've won, the folks I beat kept fighting - just in secret while pretending to knuckle under. For sure things are a lot more complicated than I used to think. At the same time, I do believe that underneath it all people want to be accepted - and loved - for that matter. But we all cover up that need with a whole bunch of fears, rules, demands and general insanity.

Today is my last day with my daughter and her family in Texas. It's been an amazing visit. I'm so glad I got to spend this time with her, her husband and the three pretty much grown children. The older two - guys - have serious girlfriends and I got to know them better on this visit also. They have both done a really good job of picking out girlfriends. Being a visitor and a member of the family with all these personalities in the same house has actually been an exercise in trying to shed peace. Mostly I've just tried to love and enjoy which has left me comfortable at least, whether any one else benefited or not!

Geek, Dork, Nerd

My oldest grandson tells me the above words are frequently misused. So in honor of 2008, one of my first contributions to the greater good will be the simple definitions provided by my grandson:

Geek - a person who is intensely interested in one thing, ie computer geek, music geek, etc.

Dork - an extremely clueless person.

Nerd - a very smart person


So Bill Gates is a geek and a nerd but not a dork.

Journey

Here it is, the last day of 2007 and I feel obligated to take an overall look at the year. I don't really like to do it - I prefer living one day at a time. But in some ways I'm just escaping looking at my situation in it's entirety. So....

Last year at this time I was still in the exhausted fog from the extensive surgery I had in September 2006. It was a long and difficult surgery with a long recovery time to even learn how to take care of myself again. Although I got a new hip, it turned out that my femur was very much not healed and there was nothing they could do for my knee. I was very upset and decided to plan on having my leg amputated and getting an artificial one to speed up the process of being able to function. (I changed my mind about that eventually.)

As it turned out I stayed in that fog for the whole year. I felt worse than I felt after the wreck in some ways. Often I just could not get up in the morning. Sometimes I slept as much as 18 hours a day. Obviously, work wasn't going that well since I was barely able to work. I mostly tried to eat, sleep, work as much as my condition would allow and go to as many meetings as I was able. Grief at losing Ron receded into the background somewhat - partly due to time passing, partly due to the grief work I was doing, partly to the amount of effort it took to get through a day, and partly due to Cymbalta (the anti-depressant I was on).

I began going to counseling again in January of last year. In the beginning, counseling consisted of trying to find ways to write (which is what I want to do). Pretty soon we gave up working on that since I was clearly not able to to add anything to my life in the condition I was in. We just talked about how to handle the exhaustion, etc.

Sometime in the summer I was able to go back to getting some body work that has helped with my PTSD in the past and was immediately a lot better. We thought (the doctor and I) that my leg was healing so I went from the walker to a cane and then to walking on my own. Almost immediately I had severe pain in my leg and a ct scan showed that the bone was not actually healed. Sooo - back to the hospital for another bone graft surgery in September.

In June my boss told me they were putting me on part time and changing my title from Vice President to Director - and, of course, changing my salary accordingly. I lost my private office too. I was actually fine with it since I had been thinking that I should probably request the same change. I felt stressed every day because of my inability to function. Unfortunately, I still felt stressed because I still wasn't able to handle even the part time schedule. In August the Association's national office decided to have an event in Oklahoma and I was not sure I could handle that and neither were they. While I was worrying about that, I found out that I was going to have to have yet another surgery. After talking to a couple of people in the program, I decided to tell my boss that I thought they should hire someone to do my job and just contract with me for some of the loose ends I needed to take care of. As soon as I made that decision, I felt a whole lot better. We agreed to work out a contract which I'm now working under. It doesn't require much of me and doesn't pay much either but I feel sooo much less stress.

One of my friends asked me if I was going to be able to make it on what I have coming in which includes Social Security. My answer was that I have no idea. What I hope is that as I feel better I may be able to work more doing something else. Right now shelving books in the library sounds lovely, peaceful and calm.

When I thought my leg was healing, and that I was going to be walking within the year, my oldest daughter, Liz, and I booked a cruise to celebrate. Of course, it turned out I had surgery instead of walking, but we went on the cruise anyway - six weeks from the surgery. It was a lovely week. There's really nothing to do on a cruise except eat, rest and have fun. We did all that and we both felt very renewed when we came back. My theory is that everyone should take one week a month and go on a cruise. We would function ever so much better when we get back.

When I wasn't on the cruise, I was setting up my new business called, "Empowerment Services." I'm not that fond of the word "empowerment." But I couldn't find a synonym that described what I want to do. I want to help various groups of people with information and support to function better in their lives. It's all stuff I really love to do and stuff that's needed. I have learned that what's needed isn't always what's wanted so it remains to be seen whether this stuff works out.

I still have some more to do to get Empowerment Services operational. But I'm close. At my last visit to the doctor, we talked about what's next with my leg. It appears that nothing is really happening in the healing. So, I probably have another bone graft surgery in my immediate future.

Well, 2007. You haven't been that bad a year, all-in-all. I've been a lot more disabled than I had hoped but still have been able to do many things I wanted to do - the cruise being a prime example. My family, my program, my friends in recovery, and my Higher Power continue to sustain me. I am so grateful for the love of God and my friends and family. I have four marvelous grandchildren and have been able to spend more time with them this year. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special, but mine actually are incredible. Anyone would say so. So, of course, are my children or they wouldn't have their fabulous kids. I'm looking forward to 2008, having learned a lot about how to manage myself in my situation - what's important and what's not. Welcome 2008!

Dream

This is a dream from a few days ago. I intended to document it but forgot. I guess it didn't make that much of an impression on me, but when I shared it at breakfast it got some weird looks and a few laughs - making it worth recording.

I dreamed I was at a campaign event of some kind for Hillary Clinton. Bill was there, and he made a pass at me. In the dream I thought, "Boy, is he ever clumsy at this. Those gals that fell for him must have had a huge talent for self-delusion." I wasn't even tempted. However, in the dream, he and Hillary had another child - a son about 8 years old who was a talented artist. I spent a lot of time with him and he drew wonderful, soaring pictures in my journal. I had a lot of fun with him. He was a wonderful kid.

"I will link my life with the Divine Force for Good in the world." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

In my meditation book this morning I found the phrase above. I've been reading this book for over 24 years and this is the first time I remember seeing this. What's amazing is that I have been calling my Higher Power "the force for good in the world" for years and years. I thought I thought it up by myself. But it looks like I got it from the Twenty-Four Hour book. Which is fine. Somewhere I read that all genius is undetected plagarism.

This name for my HP helps me not be concerned about whether God is this or that or the other thing. That's a big help since I always want to know everything possible before I even begin to accept anything. I think I love my scepticism. I don't know if it's a character defect or not; sometimes it helps me, sometimes not. What is absolutely clear to me that there is a force for good in the world (in the universe, really); just as clear as the fact that there's a force for evil. Linking my own life with a force for good gives me direction, joy, peace, love and fun. Why would I not want to link up? I don't know, but sometimes I forget. Well, okay, a lot of times. At least for today, I'm remembering...

Learning How to Love

It's the Christmas season with all the urgent activity that goes with it. I've been organizing my "to-do" list with the hope that I will be able to get everything in before my energy runs out. Then I read my morning meditation and realized I'd fallen back into the old habit of making a list based on what my ego tells me I really must do. But according to my meditation book, the object of each day is to learn how to love, and since I have come to believe that learning how to love is what we're all here for, a different kind of to do list is in order. I wish I had some kind of wonderful, lofty thing to say about a different kind of to do list, but I don't. With the shift comes a different feeling in my heart even though the list looks pretty much the same. The only thing added was phone calls to people I wanted to tell that I loved them - and my own heart was lifted.

Raising Children

Right at the top of my Christmas list is the wish that there was some consensus on how to raise healthy children. It seems to me that there are a lot of opinions but not much concrete research. Talk about peace on earth, good will toward men....for an inveterate do-gooder like me, information on child raising would be the solution to a lot of the world's problems. Unfortunately, we all seem to think we should know how to raise our children, and we stumble through it without having a clue - most of us, that is. A lot of us are clueless that we don't have have a clue.

I have a daughter with a toddler. She expects herself to already know how to take care of her, and when her strategies don't work, she doesn't know what to do. But she's ashamed to ask because she thinks she should already know. So, she gets very frustrated. Frustration leads her to yelling, which in turn leads to loud screaming and crying from the baby.

I can relate since I experienced the same thing. I read Dr. Spock and that was some help but a lot of what went on on a daily basis was just not in the book. I asked a lot of questions of other mothers but what they said didn't seem to fit. For example, I asked a woman I met at a company party, how she got her two-year old toilet trained. She said she just tied him to the potty chair until he went and wouldn't let him up no matter how much he screamed. Even though I didn't have a clue, I was pretty sure that was wrong. But boy, she certainly was sure she was right!

I longed for something definitive that would help me with the day to day situations I encountered. Never did find it. So, I just went along everyday feeling wrong and guilty - which made me depressed and a worse mother. From talking to other mothers, no one ever felt they were doing things right. Like me they had no way to judge, so if their children weren't always happy and perfect, they were sure it was their fault.