"Try to see in all things some fulfillment of the Divine Intent." Twenty -Four Hours a Day
I'm really on two trips at the same time: learning to live without Ron and physically recovering from the wreck. It's a struggle because I can't actually focus on one at a time because they're happening simultaneously and I have little control over either trip. I'm grateful for the structure my recovery program gives me - I believe there's a gift from the force for good in the universe in both trips.
Right now I'm more and more thankful for Ron's and my relationship. The first ten years of our marriage he was the one with the stability and could give me the support I needed to re-do my life, make amends to my children with disabilities, and get comfortable with myself. Most of the time during those years I felt unconditionally loved. Amazing healing took place at a time when I was most hard on myself and feeling the most worthless.
I know I'm not supposed to take my self worth from what someone else feels about me. But too bad. I did. It worked. I wish I had been as good at giving him unconditional love when he needed it. I still have the feeling that wherever he is, he still loves me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that a person I loved and respected convinced me that I was a wonderful, beautiful, capable child of God.
The most recent trip to the orthopedic surgeon revealed very little from the xrays. He was happy that I had done well with walking with only one crutch. He said since there didn't appear to be any movement of the rod, pins, and wires that are holding my femur together, he was going to guess that the femur was healing. So, my instructions are to switch to the cane, and when I'm strong and doing well with that, stop using any assistance with locomotion, walk independently and hope my leg will hold me up.
My friend, Peggy, who comes with me to most of my doctor appointments, was elated. I was cautiously optimistic. I just wish there was a way to know what is truly going on with that bone, but there isn't, short of opening up my leg. So, I just have to move forward and see what happens. My wheelchair is folded up behind the kitchen table. It's close by - not in the garage. But my butt hasn't been anywhere near it for a over a month.
At this point I finally have the energy to work on getting some routines in my life that will support what I really want to do. Now that my every waking moment isn't taken up with trying to function while being exhausted, in physical and emotional pain and overwhelmed with doctor appointments; I'm thinking about having an organized home, good nutrition, time to write, time to build my new business, and time to grow spiritually. My goal is to finish setting up these routines and learning them as well as cleaning up some of the most messy parts of the house by the end of the month. Let's see - I have about 10 days. I've been at it for a couple of days now and gone to bed totally worn out but feeling good. So, maybe I will make it by the end of the month.
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