"Don't mistake temptation for opportunity!" ~ fortune cookie.
I really can't remember how many times I've mistaken temptation for opportunity. I could have used this advice when I was a lot younger than I am now. GRRRR! But it's been a long time now since I got confused about the difference between temptation and opportunity. Usually the difference becomes clear as soon as I take a little time to think. Amazing how that works. The confusion can stem from simple things like eating something enticing when I'm not hungry to more complicated things like beginning a romance that is obviously doomed.
Bec and I are nearing the end of this adventure. We stared at a lot of strange creatures at the aquarium yesterday. The otters were having an attack of playfulness and were doing all kinds of tricks. The beavers were even showing off for the crowd. We had BBQ with Lynn and Kristin and watched Astro Boy which was okay for what it was - a cartoon. We didn't want to get something that would scare Kristin but would keep the rest of us awake and we succeeded at that. I, however, went to bed at 9:00 and so had to run poor Aunt Lynn and Kristin off. My hope was that I would be able to get up early for the Farmer's market, but it didn't happen. However, we finished baking the cookies - I only burned one batch (really just a bit too brown), and we pulled the weeds and trees out of the front flower beds. The next time a likely guest shows up, the next step will be to put mulch down.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Adventure
Bec and I are well on our way in our adventure. We went to the Admiral Twin to see SALT last night. It was an adventure to find the theatre and an adventure to go to the bathroom. It wasn't exactly the classiest place to see a movie. The place we planned to eat dinner was closed for a private party so we went to Bodean's seafood which was sort of nearby. The adventure there was the prices on the menu so we decided to splurge. It was yum! Earlier that day we went to Woolaroc to see the shrunken heads (pictures later). Everyone should see shrunken heads before they die. They shrunk the heads but the eyelashes didn't shrink. It was very weird. More to come.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Harmony
"We don't go to a funeral in a party mode..." - Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact
Melody is talking about being in harmony with ourselves, people around us and our circumstances. Some of us have thought that being true to ourselves must mean being obviously out of step with everyone else. I've learned for myself that that's not true. Being out of step is just being disagreeable. But being true to myself, other people and my circumstances is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It requires that I have a spiritual center comprised of knowing and loving who I am, acceptance of others (whether I agree with them or not because they are on their own paths) and acceptance of my circumstances even when I am changing them. It is a place I'm only in part of the time. Sometimes I'm so out of sync with people around me that I have to go somewhere else for awhile.
The key is that I have a purpose for my life and it's not being a missionary to persuade everyone else to my point of view. My purpose is love and kindness - being a force for good. I think the Dalai Lama said that his religion was kindness and if that's good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I don't think I can possibly go wrong with kindness!
Melody is talking about being in harmony with ourselves, people around us and our circumstances. Some of us have thought that being true to ourselves must mean being obviously out of step with everyone else. I've learned for myself that that's not true. Being out of step is just being disagreeable. But being true to myself, other people and my circumstances is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It requires that I have a spiritual center comprised of knowing and loving who I am, acceptance of others (whether I agree with them or not because they are on their own paths) and acceptance of my circumstances even when I am changing them. It is a place I'm only in part of the time. Sometimes I'm so out of sync with people around me that I have to go somewhere else for awhile.
The key is that I have a purpose for my life and it's not being a missionary to persuade everyone else to my point of view. My purpose is love and kindness - being a force for good. I think the Dalai Lama said that his religion was kindness and if that's good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I don't think I can possibly go wrong with kindness!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Freedom
"Resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim." - Courage to Change.
This quote is so big. I would like to embroider it and hang it on a wall. I rarely have resentments anymore. The program has relieved me of this defense mechanism for the most part, but occasionally I get one, and when I do it's big and I carry that grudge like a badge of honor. Sometimes those resentments get so old, I forget I have them - it just feels like I'm carrying a heavy load of some kind. The quote above is followed with something about feeling as if the resentment is somehow a protection against being hurt again. I doesn't actually work that way. Staying mad just hurts me. But, and that's a big but, it's necessary for me to think through what I need to do to take care of myself instead of getting a resentment. Usually it's necessary for me to have help from a person who's not involved in order to complete that task. I'm usually too disturbed to think straight.
Here's an example: What usually happens with resentments (for me), is that I feel powerless and as if the person has the power to hurt me. A good example is a boss that accuses me of things I didn't do and doesn't believe me when I explain. About all I can think of in that kind of situation is to quit my job or act like a door mat. If quitting my job is not an option because I'm supporting someone I love, I surely feel trapped.
The antidote is really simple - I can take some time before I reply and then write out what I want to say. It's best to run it by someone else before I communicate. I can give the facts and any back up proof I have and then let it go. It's a good idea to keep a paper trail of some kind in case it's needed later. If I know for sure my side of the street is clean, that's about all I can do to take care of myself. Perhaps it would be wise to start updating my resume and begin exploring options for another job just in case. But if I love the work I'm doing and the pay is excellent, staying put and not getting a resentment is the best course for my well-being. I've done my part and I'm not a victim so there's no need for me to get a resentment.
This quote is so big. I would like to embroider it and hang it on a wall. I rarely have resentments anymore. The program has relieved me of this defense mechanism for the most part, but occasionally I get one, and when I do it's big and I carry that grudge like a badge of honor. Sometimes those resentments get so old, I forget I have them - it just feels like I'm carrying a heavy load of some kind. The quote above is followed with something about feeling as if the resentment is somehow a protection against being hurt again. I doesn't actually work that way. Staying mad just hurts me. But, and that's a big but, it's necessary for me to think through what I need to do to take care of myself instead of getting a resentment. Usually it's necessary for me to have help from a person who's not involved in order to complete that task. I'm usually too disturbed to think straight.
Here's an example: What usually happens with resentments (for me), is that I feel powerless and as if the person has the power to hurt me. A good example is a boss that accuses me of things I didn't do and doesn't believe me when I explain. About all I can think of in that kind of situation is to quit my job or act like a door mat. If quitting my job is not an option because I'm supporting someone I love, I surely feel trapped.
The antidote is really simple - I can take some time before I reply and then write out what I want to say. It's best to run it by someone else before I communicate. I can give the facts and any back up proof I have and then let it go. It's a good idea to keep a paper trail of some kind in case it's needed later. If I know for sure my side of the street is clean, that's about all I can do to take care of myself. Perhaps it would be wise to start updating my resume and begin exploring options for another job just in case. But if I love the work I'm doing and the pay is excellent, staying put and not getting a resentment is the best course for my well-being. I've done my part and I'm not a victim so there's no need for me to get a resentment.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Clean Out
It's odd - I really can't remember how/when I used to clean out closets and drawers. I remember doing it. I just can't remember much about it. I decided some time ago that it was time again for a clean out. I've done closet clean out several times in the last few years. It's part of starting life anew after loss of a spouse. Then again, I've cleaned out because I was running out of room in storage areas - not that I have so much stuff, but I don't have much storage room. Most recently I started doing it again because I was working Steps 6 (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character) and 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings). One way to do that is to do a major clean out to make room for the new. The thing is, I can't seem to get finished. I start in one place and realize that I need to move some of the stuff to another place. But before I can do that, I need to clean out that place to make room. So now I've cleaned out several places that I had no intention of cleaning out. It's a very satisfying task though. I can feel myself being more and more ready to have my defects of character removed!
Friday, July 09, 2010
Time Tracking
By tracking where I spend my time so that I spend my hours and minutes in having the best life possible, I discovered that I spend a lot more of my time in some areas than I realized. I thought the time I spend just wandering around would be larger than it turned out to be. I was glad about that.
The areas where I used a lot more time than I thought were:
1. My project of cleaning up the clubhouse. I assigned myself this project when I started using a room there for some of my classes. I always cleaned the room I used, and then I noticed that there was a lot that needed to be done in other rooms. So I started coming early to do more. Then I started running errands to purchase things I needed to clean and spiff up. Now I was up to several hours a week. Oops.
2. I spend a lot of time on the phone and in meetings with people in recovery. I just automatically drop everything to do this. I always have. It benefits me as much as it does them. The thing is, I could organize this a lot better. Food for thought.
3. I also noticed that I spend at least an hour or two a day on projects regarding my adult children with disabilities. Most of it has to do with just monitoring and making sure things get done. Recently, I agreed to be temporaryguardian for Bridget's roommate who has no family and whose guardian died this last year. Without a guardian, she can't participate in any activity that requires consent, and she's missed out on a lot in the last year. So... For example, today I will take some consent papers to be notarized for her. Next week I will take the forms to participate in therapeutic horseback riding to her doctor for him to fill out his part and then take the whole batch to the horse place. I emailed her physical therapist because he will need to be present when she does her tryout ride. I expect this will take awhile to arrange. That's just one little thing. I have probably 10 to 20 other things I'm trying to get done for both Bridget and her roommate. For Minky - he's doing well right now and all I really would like to do is visit him at his swimming and music lessons.
My main project is finishing the memoir I started in March. I finally found the way to do it. Now I just need to organize my time so that I actually finish it. I would like to finish it before I'm 70 which would give me a year. For that to happen - well, I need to give the time thing some thought!
The areas where I used a lot more time than I thought were:
1. My project of cleaning up the clubhouse. I assigned myself this project when I started using a room there for some of my classes. I always cleaned the room I used, and then I noticed that there was a lot that needed to be done in other rooms. So I started coming early to do more. Then I started running errands to purchase things I needed to clean and spiff up. Now I was up to several hours a week. Oops.
2. I spend a lot of time on the phone and in meetings with people in recovery. I just automatically drop everything to do this. I always have. It benefits me as much as it does them. The thing is, I could organize this a lot better. Food for thought.
3. I also noticed that I spend at least an hour or two a day on projects regarding my adult children with disabilities. Most of it has to do with just monitoring and making sure things get done. Recently, I agreed to be temporaryguardian for Bridget's roommate who has no family and whose guardian died this last year. Without a guardian, she can't participate in any activity that requires consent, and she's missed out on a lot in the last year. So... For example, today I will take some consent papers to be notarized for her. Next week I will take the forms to participate in therapeutic horseback riding to her doctor for him to fill out his part and then take the whole batch to the horse place. I emailed her physical therapist because he will need to be present when she does her tryout ride. I expect this will take awhile to arrange. That's just one little thing. I have probably 10 to 20 other things I'm trying to get done for both Bridget and her roommate. For Minky - he's doing well right now and all I really would like to do is visit him at his swimming and music lessons.
My main project is finishing the memoir I started in March. I finally found the way to do it. Now I just need to organize my time so that I actually finish it. I would like to finish it before I'm 70 which would give me a year. For that to happen - well, I need to give the time thing some thought!
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
365 Project
Mary Trebel turned 80! She's been in my life for a long time and I am grateful.
Here's Susie looking at I'm not sure what at the aquarium.
I went with Bridget and Susie and their staff to the Tulsa aquarium.
I went with Bridget and Susie and their staff to the Tulsa aquarium.The sharks are fairly scary to me too but I think Bridget is just looking at the lights.
Bridget is looking at the fish or maybe just the light since she doesn't see that well even that close.
My collection of wonderful birthday cards. I put them on the kitchen table where I sit most of the time so that I could enjoy them for more than one day.
I love these scary looking fish!
My collection of wonderful birthday cards. I put them on the kitchen table where I sit most of the time so that I could enjoy them for more than one day.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Intervention
I was flipping through the channels on a rest day I had to take last week, and since there was almost nada on tv, I stopped at A&E that was having an "Intervention" marathon. Since I helped Ron some with interventions and he did hundreds of them, I've learned something about them. Basically, the people closest to the person with an addiction problem come together to share their concerns and decide if they want to do an intervention. If they do, they all write letters to the person sharing how much they love him/her, why they are concerned and that they want him/her to get help. They are very specific about the help they want him/her to get - usually in-patient treatment. They've got a suitcase packed and the treatment center is ready for the person. The person is not told about the intervention in advance because the hope is that the person will say "yes" before he/she has had time to think up a bunch of excuses. So when the actual intervention takes place, each person reads their letter to the person with the addiction and then asks him/her if they will please get help TODAY.
Ron was successful with the interventions he did about 99% of the time - meaning that the person agreed to go to treatment. That doesn't mean that the person recovered but at least the family and friends have done their best to get the person to accept help. The interventionist has already explored with the friends and family the ways they have been "helping" the person stay addicted. Examples: lending money, providing transportation and housing, legal help, etc. If the person refuses REAL help, friends and family must stop "enabling" by not providing the kind of help they provided before and letting the person experience the consequences of his/her behavior/choices. Frequently, when the person is faced with the consequences, he/she will then accept help.
Of course, there's a lot more to an intervention than what I've described, but I've put down the three basic parts: 1) Loving confrontation - describing concerns rather than criticizing 2) Offering specific help that has already been arranged so that as soon as the person says "yes," off they go. 3) Ceasing to protect the person from the consequences of their addiction/behavior with the hope that the pain the person will suffer from the consequences will motivate him/her to get help. Another vital piece is that the people involved in the intervention not be severely addicted themselves, that they have been trained in how to behave in the intervention and can be trusted not to relapse into old ways such as verbal attacks, etc., that they can be trusted not to warn the person about the interevention, and that they will commit to end their "enabling,"
This whole process is extremely emotional and painful for everyone involved. Everyone involved must do all of it with love and not anger, condemnation and threats. Usually that's one of the things they've already tried without success.
The weird part of this is that the process is completely foreign to most people. What we all seem to do is throw fits and point out to out of control people that they need to change. All that happens then is that they get mad and cut us out of their lives. Then we usually switch to ignoring them out of anger and hurt. None of that works, of course. But you would think we would notice that it doesn't work. Instead we just keep doing it hoping it will work "this time" probably because we don't know what else to do.
There are people who are out-of-control who are not addicts. It's so hard to decide when to try to help. But if those people have no control over their destructive behavior, how will they ever get better if no one intervenes? Usually out of control people are not only self-destructive but harmful to other people as well. Everyone is suffering. Maybe we should all learn how to "intervene" in a loving way.
Ron was successful with the interventions he did about 99% of the time - meaning that the person agreed to go to treatment. That doesn't mean that the person recovered but at least the family and friends have done their best to get the person to accept help. The interventionist has already explored with the friends and family the ways they have been "helping" the person stay addicted. Examples: lending money, providing transportation and housing, legal help, etc. If the person refuses REAL help, friends and family must stop "enabling" by not providing the kind of help they provided before and letting the person experience the consequences of his/her behavior/choices. Frequently, when the person is faced with the consequences, he/she will then accept help.
Of course, there's a lot more to an intervention than what I've described, but I've put down the three basic parts: 1) Loving confrontation - describing concerns rather than criticizing 2) Offering specific help that has already been arranged so that as soon as the person says "yes," off they go. 3) Ceasing to protect the person from the consequences of their addiction/behavior with the hope that the pain the person will suffer from the consequences will motivate him/her to get help. Another vital piece is that the people involved in the intervention not be severely addicted themselves, that they have been trained in how to behave in the intervention and can be trusted not to relapse into old ways such as verbal attacks, etc., that they can be trusted not to warn the person about the interevention, and that they will commit to end their "enabling,"
This whole process is extremely emotional and painful for everyone involved. Everyone involved must do all of it with love and not anger, condemnation and threats. Usually that's one of the things they've already tried without success.
The weird part of this is that the process is completely foreign to most people. What we all seem to do is throw fits and point out to out of control people that they need to change. All that happens then is that they get mad and cut us out of their lives. Then we usually switch to ignoring them out of anger and hurt. None of that works, of course. But you would think we would notice that it doesn't work. Instead we just keep doing it hoping it will work "this time" probably because we don't know what else to do.
There are people who are out-of-control who are not addicts. It's so hard to decide when to try to help. But if those people have no control over their destructive behavior, how will they ever get better if no one intervenes? Usually out of control people are not only self-destructive but harmful to other people as well. Everyone is suffering. Maybe we should all learn how to "intervene" in a loving way.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Immature Ego Demands
"Becoming firmly grounded in the position of refusing to live in a state of emotional devastation and suffering because others do not conform to your wishes will require total, unwavering commitment, without interruption or intervals, over a long period of time, because immature ego demands cannot be eliminated overnight." Psychology of Mystical Awakening. Patanjalie Yoga Sutras.
I love this. I knew about this a long time ago but had no idea how to refuse. I was trying to make it too hard. The trick is simple. I learned to monitor my thinking - just noticing off and on all day long what I was thinking.
I discovered that I worried about what might happen, I obsessed about what had happened. I tried to figure out how to get control of whatever in order to protect myself. Those thoughts were making me miserable.
I practiced turning my thoughts to God, God's will, God's love. That helped a lot. I got better and better at it. Then I noticed that I had a lot of vicious self-judgment, and I practiced doing daily inventories of my behavior and making amends when I had made mistakes.
Eventually, my mind got fairly quiet except when I reacted in an extreme emotional way to something. Now I'm practicing noticing what I'm thinking and doing BEFORE I react emotionally to something.
What has been consistent is my absolute refusal to suffer anymore because of my previous beliefs that everything around me had to conform to my wishes before I could be happy. I'm too old - too little life left - to spend any time being miserable.
I love this. I knew about this a long time ago but had no idea how to refuse. I was trying to make it too hard. The trick is simple. I learned to monitor my thinking - just noticing off and on all day long what I was thinking.
I discovered that I worried about what might happen, I obsessed about what had happened. I tried to figure out how to get control of whatever in order to protect myself. Those thoughts were making me miserable.
I practiced turning my thoughts to God, God's will, God's love. That helped a lot. I got better and better at it. Then I noticed that I had a lot of vicious self-judgment, and I practiced doing daily inventories of my behavior and making amends when I had made mistakes.
Eventually, my mind got fairly quiet except when I reacted in an extreme emotional way to something. Now I'm practicing noticing what I'm thinking and doing BEFORE I react emotionally to something.
What has been consistent is my absolute refusal to suffer anymore because of my previous beliefs that everything around me had to conform to my wishes before I could be happy. I'm too old - too little life left - to spend any time being miserable.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Serenity Experiment Update
"Bullying myself into recovery won't work. Loving myself into it will." -HOPE FOR TODAY
I think this quote says it for me. My experiment in self-discipline as a way to serenity did not work out because the way I do self-discipline is a lot like bullying. Making choices based on love for myself and other people is the way to go for sure. For example, having the discipline to get up every day at 5:00 a.m. just because it's the right thing to do is what I had in mind. The only problem is that my body apparently is still recovering from being hit by a car and multiple surgeries, etc.
Making a decision about when to get up based on love - I want to be up in time to have a whole day while at the same time honoring my body's need for rest. So, I will do all I can to get to sleep at an early hour by listening to a restful sleep CD, not having the tv on in my room, having a bubble bath before bed, giving myself a foot rub, etc. I will set the alarm for about 30 minutes earlier than I generally wake up, adjust to that time, then set it back 30 minutes more, etc. If I've had a very active day and feel extremely tired, I won't set the alarm at all and just sleep as much as my body needs.
Sure enough I have had the "discipline" to do most of the things that work for me and as a result I'm usually up by 8:00 a.m. Sometimes I wake up earlier than that if I've slept well. I have more to do on getting myself to sleep early, and I'm not using "bullying" to get myself to do it. I'll bet this love thing would work on some other areas where I need more "discipline."
I think this quote says it for me. My experiment in self-discipline as a way to serenity did not work out because the way I do self-discipline is a lot like bullying. Making choices based on love for myself and other people is the way to go for sure. For example, having the discipline to get up every day at 5:00 a.m. just because it's the right thing to do is what I had in mind. The only problem is that my body apparently is still recovering from being hit by a car and multiple surgeries, etc.
Making a decision about when to get up based on love - I want to be up in time to have a whole day while at the same time honoring my body's need for rest. So, I will do all I can to get to sleep at an early hour by listening to a restful sleep CD, not having the tv on in my room, having a bubble bath before bed, giving myself a foot rub, etc. I will set the alarm for about 30 minutes earlier than I generally wake up, adjust to that time, then set it back 30 minutes more, etc. If I've had a very active day and feel extremely tired, I won't set the alarm at all and just sleep as much as my body needs.
Sure enough I have had the "discipline" to do most of the things that work for me and as a result I'm usually up by 8:00 a.m. Sometimes I wake up earlier than that if I've slept well. I have more to do on getting myself to sleep early, and I'm not using "bullying" to get myself to do it. I'll bet this love thing would work on some other areas where I need more "discipline."
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Unacceptable behavior
I have heard a lot about unacceptable behavior from people (including myself) who are griping about someone else's behavior. I've always wondered what the definition of "unacceptable behavior" is. For a long time I thought it was anything someone was doing that I didn't like. From listening to other people, I think a lot of the time that's what they mean too. That can't be right, though. There are a lot of things people do that I don't like. The trouble is, they probably think they're doing the right thing. Hmmm. For right now, I've decided unacceptable behavior is behavior that injures me in some way. Even that is a little fuzzy, though. Maybe I've misinterpreted something someone said and got my feelings hurt. Am I injured? Probably not.
So I'm thinking that if I'm physically injured, lost a lot (for me) of money, lost my reputation because of something someone said about me that's not true, etc. - that would be unacceptable. So then what? I'm still going to have to look at myself. It may be that I trusted someone I knew better than to trust. Maybe I've allowed the behavior because I'm afraid of losing the relationship. There could be a lot of ways I had a part in it. Maybe if I stop my part, I won't be harmed. Sometimes I just need to stay away from the person. In any case, consulting another knowledgeable person before I do anything, is absolutely necessary.
For sure, for stuff that's just annoying but not harmful, every bit of effort I've put into being at peace with annoying stuff has paid off big time. It's pretty simple. I just bless the person in my mind and think about something else. With practice, I get better and better at this!
So I'm thinking that if I'm physically injured, lost a lot (for me) of money, lost my reputation because of something someone said about me that's not true, etc. - that would be unacceptable. So then what? I'm still going to have to look at myself. It may be that I trusted someone I knew better than to trust. Maybe I've allowed the behavior because I'm afraid of losing the relationship. There could be a lot of ways I had a part in it. Maybe if I stop my part, I won't be harmed. Sometimes I just need to stay away from the person. In any case, consulting another knowledgeable person before I do anything, is absolutely necessary.
For sure, for stuff that's just annoying but not harmful, every bit of effort I've put into being at peace with annoying stuff has paid off big time. It's pretty simple. I just bless the person in my mind and think about something else. With practice, I get better and better at this!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Forgiveness or Trust
I've heard a lot of confusion about what it means to forgive someone. I used to be confused myself and felt really guilty about being so unforgiving. I could really carry a grudge. I built a lot of muscles that way. Over time, in recovery, reading books, talking to people, etc., I came to the realization that forgiveness doesn't mean saying, "Oh well, it's all right." It means that I've stopped plotting revenge, telling other people over and over what the person did to me, and stopped re-thinking it all the time. It doesn't mean I have to let the person have the opportunity to do whatever it was to me again.
If the person is close to me, it would make sense to work something out with him/her, so that we are on good terms again. That's going to require trust which is way, way different than forgiveness. For me to trust again, the person is going to need to apologize, show me that he/she is aware of the harm he/she did, and tell me what he/she is going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I'm okay with realizing that I'm probably going to love quite a few people who aren't that trustworthy. Love and trust are not the same things either. I can be close and loving with someone who doesn't keep their word, is oblivious to what they do that is painful to me, etc. I just stop trusting in areas where the person isn't trustworthy. Of course, if the person is really dangerous, I will have to put distance between us, but if it's something like the person is critical,
I will just walk away from the criticism. If they don't do what he/she says he/she will do, I just won't count on it.
Living and loving in peace with people doesn't turn out to be that hard. I still want to open my mouth and bawl people out, but for the most part I restrain myself. Truly it isn't about me.
If the person is close to me, it would make sense to work something out with him/her, so that we are on good terms again. That's going to require trust which is way, way different than forgiveness. For me to trust again, the person is going to need to apologize, show me that he/she is aware of the harm he/she did, and tell me what he/she is going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I'm okay with realizing that I'm probably going to love quite a few people who aren't that trustworthy. Love and trust are not the same things either. I can be close and loving with someone who doesn't keep their word, is oblivious to what they do that is painful to me, etc. I just stop trusting in areas where the person isn't trustworthy. Of course, if the person is really dangerous, I will have to put distance between us, but if it's something like the person is critical,
I will just walk away from the criticism. If they don't do what he/she says he/she will do, I just won't count on it.
Living and loving in peace with people doesn't turn out to be that hard. I still want to open my mouth and bawl people out, but for the most part I restrain myself. Truly it isn't about me.
Friday, June 25, 2010
New Food Plan
Since I am the most un-self-disciplined person in the world, I welcomed the news that there was a new way of managing food that did not require dieting where you ate only what you actually wanted to eat. Geneen Roth is the author of several books on this topic. I read her last book which was a best seller (Oprah again!) but although it explained the background for this way of eating, it didn't have instructions - or at least the instructions were sketchy. So I bought one of her earlier books which had more instructions.
Turns out it's a little bit more complicated than I had hoped. Yes, you only eat what you want, but only when you're hungry. So you have to learn how it feels to be hungry and stop eating on a schedule. You have to eat slowly so you'll know when you're full so you can stop eating. This is all based on the premise that your body has not forgotten what you knew as a very young child - what your foods your body needs and when it needs them. But your mind is getting in the way by giving you cravings for foods that you think will satisfy emotional needs while simultaneously telling you that you are an evil, bad person if you eat them. No wonder almost all of us are over weight!
The whole process consists of becoming aware of hunger, cravings, which is our minds and which is our bodies. A lot of work. The author says that she and the other people who practice this gain weight at first as they eat only what they want - which usually begins with something like chocolate chip cookies. Then as they learn, they realize they mostly wanted the chocolate chip cookies because they had forbidden themselves to have them. Once they let themselves have them, they really stopped craving them. Eventually they lose weight and stay at a normal weight.
Then comes the process of eating only what you want. What if you're at a restaurant and when your food comes, and you don't want it? She says - pack it up to take home and order what you do want. What if you wake up in the middle of the night really wanting an ice cream cone bad? She says if you're really sure you're hungry and not just mentally wanting it, get up and go get yourself one. If you try to eat something else, it won't satisfy you.
I love and hate this thing at the same time. It sounds like a lot more introspective work than I want to do. Time consuming. Perhaps confusingly uncertain. I love it because the idea of only eating what my body wants is such a great idea. I already have experienced the feeling of eating what my body wants and it really is a great feeling. I'm trying it now. I do hope I don't gain.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
365 Project
A great big amazing cloud coming into Tulsa from Dallas after the big birthday bash. I saw another pic of this on Facebook - someone else thought it was gorgeous too.
Oklahoma sky on the way home from Dallas (just coming into Tulsa)
Wish I could remember what Sofi (Aaron's girlfriend) is holding, but I don't. Something to do with the birthdays we were celebrating, I'm sure.
Adam left the party for a minute and Thein is keeping Adam's pipe going. Sofi is making a face about something.
Bec is astonishing Thein at the birthday bash.
Bec looking beautiful at the birthday bash. (taking a break from texting)
The birthday swimming party - Adam and Thein
Co-cooks, Adam and Thein, making the fancy salad for birthday dinner.
Thein is making something yummy for the birthday bash.
Fred is making pancakes for everyone on the big birthday weekend. (Adam and I on the 11th and Aaron on the 12th.)
Oklahoma sky after Tuesday night meeting.
Never saw anything like this before - it's a car seat for a small dog - there's a seat belt there some place.
Here's Julie, Bridget's program coordinator, at the training for people who work with people with hearing and vision loss. She's trying to figure out what her partner is trying to communicate without formal language.
Here we are doing a blindfold exercise at the training for people who work with individuals with vision and hearing loss. Everyone is trying to communicate without talking or using formal sign language. It is very hard.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Non-Violent Communication
A friend mentioned a couple of books when a group of us were just standing around in a parking lot after a meeting. I was fascinated with the titles and immediately asked the library for them. So, after having read them, I'm going to have to buy one of them for my library. I was a little irritable at first when I started reading - I saw that the author had cobbled several ways of communicating into one and called it non-violent communication. I've seen some of it in books on assertiveness, conflict resolution, and in one particular book on negotiations ("Getting to Yes without Giving In). But as I read on I saw that he had put the methods together in a unique way.
Here's what I got out of the two books - and, of course, I know it isn't really possible to summarize two books in a few sentences, but, for me, summarizing books this way is how I internalize what I've learned and, I hope, use it. When my summary isn't enough, I can go back to the book.
Summary: What most of us do is argue with each other to try to solve problems. We point out how we're right and the other person is wrong. In fact, not just individuals do this, political parties, organizations, businesses, nations, do this. It doesn't work and it never has and it never will. People, organizations and nations do what they do to try to get their needs met. All of our behavior and communication has the purpose of getting needs met. The only thing that could possibly work is for us to identify our own needs and other's needs and find better ways to get both sets of needs met in better ways than fighting and arguing about who's right and who's wrong.
We will have to begin by becoming aware of our feelings and the needs we are trying to meet. Instead of judging ourselves, we will need to be compassionate with ourselves, and then, of course, be compassionate with others and try to understand their feelings and needs. We will need to open ourselves up to do this even when the "other" is yelling and calling us names. None of this will be easy and it will be a lifetime job. But what are we going to do instead? Keep doing what we've been doing and get what we've been getting?
At 69 it's a little late to start practicing this. But whatever. I've got nothing else important to do. I'm thinking of all the conflicts I've had with people in my life and how completely clueless I was as to what my needs were, let alone what theirs were. In recovery I've been taught a lot about caring about other's needs and understanding other's points of view, so I've actually done some of this in some ways. A lot more needs to be done.
The books: "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life." "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict." Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Here's my plan: I will work on noticing when I feel "out of sorts" with someone instead of just trying to ignore my feelings. I will identify what I'm feeling and what needs of mine are not being met. Instead of being a doormat or a witch, I will try to just politely ask for what I want without making the other person feel criticized. (This one is the tough one). I will try to guess what they're feeling and what they need and ask them if I'm right. I hope this will start a conversation that will end in both of us getting our needs met and I hope bring us closer.
Here's what I got out of the two books - and, of course, I know it isn't really possible to summarize two books in a few sentences, but, for me, summarizing books this way is how I internalize what I've learned and, I hope, use it. When my summary isn't enough, I can go back to the book.
Summary: What most of us do is argue with each other to try to solve problems. We point out how we're right and the other person is wrong. In fact, not just individuals do this, political parties, organizations, businesses, nations, do this. It doesn't work and it never has and it never will. People, organizations and nations do what they do to try to get their needs met. All of our behavior and communication has the purpose of getting needs met. The only thing that could possibly work is for us to identify our own needs and other's needs and find better ways to get both sets of needs met in better ways than fighting and arguing about who's right and who's wrong.
We will have to begin by becoming aware of our feelings and the needs we are trying to meet. Instead of judging ourselves, we will need to be compassionate with ourselves, and then, of course, be compassionate with others and try to understand their feelings and needs. We will need to open ourselves up to do this even when the "other" is yelling and calling us names. None of this will be easy and it will be a lifetime job. But what are we going to do instead? Keep doing what we've been doing and get what we've been getting?
At 69 it's a little late to start practicing this. But whatever. I've got nothing else important to do. I'm thinking of all the conflicts I've had with people in my life and how completely clueless I was as to what my needs were, let alone what theirs were. In recovery I've been taught a lot about caring about other's needs and understanding other's points of view, so I've actually done some of this in some ways. A lot more needs to be done.
The books: "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life." "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict." Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Here's my plan: I will work on noticing when I feel "out of sorts" with someone instead of just trying to ignore my feelings. I will identify what I'm feeling and what needs of mine are not being met. Instead of being a doormat or a witch, I will try to just politely ask for what I want without making the other person feel criticized. (This one is the tough one). I will try to guess what they're feeling and what they need and ask them if I'm right. I hope this will start a conversation that will end in both of us getting our needs met and I hope bring us closer.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Duty
(My internet connection has been out for several days, and I was too busy to call Cox and go through all the effort to figure out the problem. Today I got around to it and it seems my wonderful cat companion has been exploring among the wires and cords and loosened something up. So now I'm playing catch up.)
I think most of us have a "code of honor" that tells us what our duties are. I've tried not to have one plenty of times but it just doesn't go away. I'm not sure where it comes from and for a long time I thought it interfered with self-care. But that's the last thing it does! Paying my bills on time, filing my taxes - all of those "duties" prevent bad things from happening to me. Other kinds of duties -like responsibilities for other people - like the many advocacy chores I do for my son and daughter with disabilities - are sometimes very difficult, energy-draining, and time consuming. But when I've done them I feel more like my true self, the person I really want to be. Taking care of these duties is essential for my spiritual growth and self respect.
"I don't want to do this, but I feel it's important to do because..." "Even when we don't want to be doing what we must, we may find ourselves almost enjoying ourselves..." Ignoring our duties piles up guilt and anxiety. Fulfilling true duties energizes us. It feels good in the end."
- Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.
I think most of us have a "code of honor" that tells us what our duties are. I've tried not to have one plenty of times but it just doesn't go away. I'm not sure where it comes from and for a long time I thought it interfered with self-care. But that's the last thing it does! Paying my bills on time, filing my taxes - all of those "duties" prevent bad things from happening to me. Other kinds of duties -like responsibilities for other people - like the many advocacy chores I do for my son and daughter with disabilities - are sometimes very difficult, energy-draining, and time consuming. But when I've done them I feel more like my true self, the person I really want to be. Taking care of these duties is essential for my spiritual growth and self respect.
"I don't want to do this, but I feel it's important to do because..." "Even when we don't want to be doing what we must, we may find ourselves almost enjoying ourselves..." Ignoring our duties piles up guilt and anxiety. Fulfilling true duties energizes us. It feels good in the end."
- Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Serenity Experiment Update
Here's one thing I know for sure: the longer I work on something the more it evolves into something else entirely. Let's see if I can explain a little about the evolution of the serenity experiment. I thought what I needed was self-discipline, and that has gotten better as I worked on it. However, as I worked on self-discipline the tireder (is that a word?), I got. So, on some good advice, I just tried to arrange my day according to what my heart told me to do. I'm a lot happier and have more energy and am getting more done. Now, I can't kid myself - I'm still not organized, but what the hell. It turns out that my heart is a lot smarter than my mind. It's a good idea to do what will cause negative consequences if it's not done. My mind tells me that too but for some reason, caring about myself and therefore avoiding negative consequences is a lot more motivating than what my mind tells me. Hmmm. I may be on to something here. It surely may not be a motivator for everybody but it is working extremely well for me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
365 Project
Friend Paul with Jerry Provencal at Starbucks. Jerry was one of the court overseers during the time people were moving from Hissom. He did a fabulous job. He was back in town to see if he could help with convincing the legislators that community services were better than institutional services. It was good to see him again.
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