Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Pix

Cisco lounging in my bed long past time for him to get up and for me to make the bed.
Below Cisco is toasting in the blistering sun in the bedroom window.
Above is the view outside of my living room window where the bushes are blooming at last.  The blistering heat kept even these hot weather bushes from blooming until the fall caused a cool down.  Nice to see pink flowers again.
Here's part of our Tulsa contingent at Heart to Heart.  It was purple night so we all have on purple.  Below is Liz on the last morning of the retreat when we all have balloons to release.
Here Liz and I are with our new friend, Mary Pearl.  Good grief!  She is so funny!

Monday, September 05, 2011

Denial is not a river in Egypt

This saying is not a joke!  Denial kills.  I learned about denial when I was first in recovery.  I didn't have a lot of denial - I knew I had a bad problem (I wasn't sure what it was), I knew I needed help and I was ready to accept it.  Since then, I've recovered enough to work with others who are newer in recovery than I am.  Everyone has denial.  Some of us have a worse case of it than others.  Melody Beattie talks about how breaking denial is like yanking a warm blanket off somebody in a cold room.  They just yank it back and cover up again.  You have to make the room warm first. 

I'm not very good at making the room warm.  I'm a blanket yanker.  As one of the people I work with says, "Boy, you really just cut to the chase."  As I was cleaning out a bookcase earlier today, I found a book for professional counselors on managing denial so I'm reading it so I can be a better "room warmer."  I'm working with a couple of people now who switch into denial really quickly in a couple of areas of their lives.  Because of the denial, their whole lives are affected negatively and they are in a lot of pain.  But they don't think it's denial; they think it's their circumstances that are creating the problems.

The author of the book says that denial is just a coping mechanism that has developed to protect us from emotional pain.  It keeps us from recognizing that there's a problem, that it's a very serious problem that resides within ourselves, and that we have the responsibility for solving.  I've noticed that I and the people I work with usually go to blaming other people, bad luck, etc. for their problems.  They change the subject a lot.  They get mad and yell.  They attack me (verbally).  I worked with one person whose cell phone died when she was talking to me as soon as she went into denial.  Weird. 

I'm hoping I will find some answers for "warming up the room" for myself and others who are plagued with denial and whose lives are being sabotaged by it.

Friday, September 02, 2011

New Poet

I've moved on from e.e. cummings to Billy Collins - the poet my friend told me about.  He's a simple guy.  Very accessible.  He wrote one about obsessive, compulsive neatness:

The Straightener

Even as a boy I was a straightener.
On a long table near my window
I kept a lantern, a spyglass, and my tomahawk.

Never tomahawk, lantern, and spyglass.
Always lantern, spyglass, tomahawk.

You could never tell when you would need them
but that was the order you would need them in.

On my desk pencils at attention in a cup,
foreign coins stacked by size,

a photograph of my parents,
and under the heavy green blotter,
a note from a girl I was fond of.

These days I like to stack in pyramids
the cans of soup in the pantry
and I keep the white candles in rows like logs of wax.

And if I can avoid doing my taxes
or phoning my talkative aunt
on her eighty-something birthday,

I will use a ruler to measure the space
between the comb and brush on the dresser,
the distance between shakers of salt and pepper.

Today, for example I will devote my time
to lining up my shoes in the closet,
pair by pair in chronological order

and lining up my shirts on the rack by color
to put off having to tell you, dear,
what I really think and what I now am bound to do.
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Thursday, September 01, 2011

Excited to Wake Up

One of the things I always hoped would happen for me as an adult is to wake up excited about the day.  There were a few times as a child when something special was going to happen that I waked up excited.  But not so much as an adult.  I usually woke up feeling anxious about my to do list and always felt behind before I started.  But these days, after several years of working on losing my guilt and anxiety about how little energy I have and how little I get done, I've been able to focus on doing things that improve my quality of life.  That focus has started having an effect so that I look forward to my day and feel a little tingle of excitement. 

For the past several years I've had one of my televisions tuned in to a music channel pretty much 24 hours a day - sweet, soft music for the most part.  In my effort to bump up my enjoyment, I've started changing the music I listen to several times a day.  Right now it's jazz.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy smooth jazz.  And, of course, reading a poem a day is very enjoyable.  For a few days since I ditched cranky, depressed Emily Dickinson, I've been reading e.e. cummings.  He has such a great sense of humor and writes the best love poems ever!

your little voice
                         Over the wires came leaping
and i felt suddenly
dizzy
        With the jostling and shouting of merry flowers
were skipping high-heeled flames
courtesied before my eyes
                                          or twinkling over to my side
Looked up
with impertinently exquisite faces
floating hands were laid upon me
I was whirled and tossed into delicious dancing
up
Up
with the pale important
                                     stars and the Humorous moon
dear girl
How i was crazy how i cried when i heard
                                                                     over time
and tide and death
leaping
sweetly
            your voice
        

Monday, August 29, 2011

Anger

I attended a meeting last week that was on anger.  I was almost the last one to say anything and the meeting was large so I had a long time to think about myself and anger while I listened to everyone else.  I love trying to boil everything down to just a few words because it's so much easier to remember.  I came up with kind of a mental list of things that I either used to get angry about or still do get angry about.

1.  I think people should know what I want (and follow my rules because my rules are the right ones) and if they're not, it's because they don't care about me or are just bad, lazy people who need to be set right!!! (Actually, the best solution for this one is to understand that lots of people - almost everybody, in fact - has different rules than I do and they believe theirs are the only right ones.  Setting people right has never worked.  They get mad and feel criticized which usually means they keep doing what I don't want them to do just for spite or to show they can.  On the other hand, if I ask gently, politely and without a hint of criticism - "It would be wonderful if you could or would_______)"  sometimes they will actually do what I want.  If they don't, my best bet for peace of mind is to blow it off unless it's truly life or death.)

2.  Somebody is doing something that hurts someone I love.  I am a big rescuer.  In this case I usually react as if the person I love is in a burning building.  I rush to the rescue.  Sometimes this is insulting because they think they can rescue themselves - and that's usually true.  Sometimes they don't believe they're in a burning building at all - and maybe they're not.  But in either case, they truly don't want to be rescued.  Can't rescue somebody that doesn't want to be. 

3.  People out in the world are doing things that I think are terrible and wrong.  I used to get mad when I watched the news.  Sometimes I still do.  Even though what those people are doing doesn't actually affect me, I can still get mad.  If I think it affects me - well, then I can really give myself permission to throw a fit!!.  Only thing is unless I can do something about it, there's no purpose in expending all that energy and mental pain.  Blowing it off is best.  However, often there is something I can do about it, if nothing else by writing to my legislators or the newspaper.  I usually would rather just get mad than go to all that trouble.  So I've started writing letters.  I've noticed that I get all upset around natural disasters because it's the one thing we know is going to happen, but everyone acts all shocked and it takes forever for the folks who are supposed to know what to do to do anything.  I think I'm going to write up what I think should be done in the case of natural disasters and send it off to FEMA, the Red Cross and anyplace else I can think of.  Of course I have no idea whether I actually know what should be done or not.

Those are all the reasons I could think of as to why I get angry - just three things/situations.  Usually what precedes the anger is the feeling of powerlessness.  A long time ago when my youngest two kids were in a bad situation and I felt powerless to change it, I called a wise lady who said to get down on my knees and ask God to show me what I could do that day to make their situation better.  Guess what?!  That works.  Every day I came up with something to do that made it better and eventually made it a whole lot better.  I am never really totally powerless.  I just imagine I am.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Changing Emily

Okay.  I've had it with Emily.  She is depressed and cranky.  I'll check with my friend, Karen, who says she has the world's best poetry book.  Since I wasn't reading poetry at the time, I didn't get the information about it from her.  But now I'm ready for something more uplifting.  Here's the last one of Emily's I've read.  Not too depressing but definitely cranky:

Much madness is divinest sense
To a discerning eye;
Much sense the starkest madness.
'Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevails.
Assent, and you are sane;
Demur, - you're straightway dangerous,
And handled with a chain.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Poems

I've embarked on several "30 day challenges" that are ideas for bumping up quality of life.  I love poetry but rarely read it because it seems to me that reading poetry should be reserved for times when I've finished all the important stuff.  I was taught this way of doing things (do the drudgery first and then the fun), and I've been working at escaping from it ever since.  So I've started reading at least one poem a day starting with Emily Dickinson.  She wasn't the most positive, inspiring writer of all time but I still love her.  This poem perfectly describes how I felt during the most painful periods of my life:

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

I think it always seems as if pain has no beginning and no ending.  Another reason to stick close to spiritual advisors who will remind you that it will end - and more quickly if you don't try to avoid it.

Pix:
Farmer's market - very hot so not very many people.

A friend invited me to a Rotary Club fundraiser at the Outback.  Good lunch, good company.  I learned that the fundraiser was for school supplies for kids in two Tulsa schools.  Rotary also funds an international initiative to eradicate polio as well as an international initiative to train people in their mid-careers on conflict resolution.  I think they have schools in about 10 countries.
This picture is in my office as well as on the walls of a lot of AA clubhouses.  This one is in the little room where a group of us do a book study.  It says, "Should I forget the misery and the pain of where I've been, Remind me, God so I might not return there again."  Good prayer.
Here are some of the love gifts I found at Tuesday morning.  I love butterfly gifts for Heart to Heart.  They symbolize transformation (from a caterpillar to a butterfly) that takes place on that weekend.
Both of the counselors I've seen in the past six years have had beautiful spaces to sit and talk.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hunger

I can't remember how I ran across Geneen Roth's books.  But the more I read the more I learned.  I don't believe I'm technically an overeater although I'm over weight, but Geneen doesn't talk about that.  She talks about how our concerns with body weight and appearance have taught us to treat our bodies like naughty children and thus lose touch with what it's like to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. 

Babies and young children know when they're hungry and when they've had enough.  I used to know.  When I was a heavy smoker, I ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted and how ever much I wanted and stayed skinny.  Then when I quit smoking I immediately gained a lot of weight and started dieting.  That in turn led to my gaining more and more weight.  At the age of 70, it's not that easy to lose weight.  So I decided to try Geneen's way.  At first I gained, then I started losing.  I've lost about 10 lbs but stopped losing.  It's hard trying to remember to pay attention and eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.  I've had a lot of practice eating when it's time to eat and eating whatever I serve myself or whatever they serve me in restaurants.  But since I initially lost some excess fat, I'm going to keep going.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hope

I started college after I was an adult - almost forty to be exact.  One of my first teachers was a guy with a unique teaching style.  He taught humanities - literature, film, art, etc., and he simply introduced us to various things and asked that we write about our impressions.  No tests, essays, etc.  One of the areas he taught was poetry which I had absolutely no interest in.  I couldn't see the point - it all seemed obscure for no reason.  He said that poetry wasn't supposed to be "understood."  That good poetry simply evoked universal images in the minds of readers.  This fascinated me and I started reading and writing poetry pretty much constantly.  In recent years, all that has gone by the wayside in favor of more practical ways to use my time and energy. 

Resting, for me, has become a necessary activity usually accompanied by mindless television.  The practical ways I use my time and energy usually mean feeding myself, caring for the living beings in my household and taking care of my environment.  I run out of energy quickly and so I rest a lot.  Nevertheless, even mindless television can sometimes wake me up to other ways of living.  Yesterday one of the characters in a show quoted one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems that expresses the central idea that informs my life:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Cisco

I didn't name my cat - he came with that name.  He doesn't answer to it so he probably doesn't regard it as his name.  I call him sugar booger.  There's a long story about how we came to have him, but it's not that interesting so I'll just say that he's a rescue cat and an odd one.  He has a very fast heartbeat, weighs almost nothing (he looks like he's almost starved if you look at him from the top), can't purr because of an injury to his neck and has the worst breath you can imagine.  He's also the most loving cat I've ever known.  I tell people he's on a mission to love as many people as he possibly can - he works really hard at it.  Since I'm often the only one here, he showers love on me every day.  He joins me in my morning meditation and his sweet spirit lifts mine. 

A few weeks ago he stopped grooming himself and began to look really scruffy.  At the same time he started peeing in places besides his cat box and drinking out of dishes soaking in the sink.  So I took him to the vet because I though he was sick.  The diagnosis?  He's old.  The vet said that sometimes when cats get old they get eccentric and want their potty boxes to be pristine before they use them, their water changed every day or more, and someone else (me) to groom them.  So...I am now the faithful servant of my sweet spirited companion.  He expects me to get to work the minute I get up.  He looks at me expectantly as I pour my first cup of coffee.  He is willing to put up with my having two cups before he gets insistent.  If I don't get to work right then, he just heaves a sigh (figuratively) and goes back to bed to wait for me to remember my duties.  I usually change his water and clean his potty box first.  Then I wipe him down with a "cat wipe" (did you know there were such things - I got them at Petsmart) and then brush him thoroughly.  As I write this he is sitting patiently at my feet waiting, so I have to go...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Pix

Pictures of my bouquets followed by a picture of Beverly and a friend whose name I do not know.  Beverly annoys me with how good she constantly looks.
Kristin in the playroom at Lynn's doctor's office.  Below - me and David.  I used to work with him many years ago and he turned up again.
Chuck is cutting limbs off the my tree in the backyard - the last storm tore it up pretty good.
I tied the left over balloons from my birthday party in the storage room.  They're still looking kind of good.  It's still a party!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Power Comes with Guidance

In my recovery program we are taught to pray for God's will and the power to carry it out (and pray for nothing else).  I do that every day, but it seems to me that I don't always get the power to carry it out.  Yesterday one of my meditation readings basically said that when we're guessing what God's will is, we don't always get the power to carry it out.  That may be because it isn't God's will.  Interesting.  Of course, this business of discerning God's will is very tricky.  Some of the world's greatest villains have said they were listening to the voice of God.  For sure, though, I can pretty much count on getting the power to carry something out if it's loving and respectful to both myself and others. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

365 Project

I really miss being in the habit of taking a picture every day.  That habit helped me look around me every day to find something worth taking a picture of.  I was ever so much aware of my surroundings.  Since I've been missing that habit, I've been telling myself that I can still take a picture when I see something worth it.  Once in  awhile I do, but mostly I don't.  So, I'm starting another 365 project today with the intention of seeing the interesting things I come across.  Probably I will take some boring, no good pictures but so what.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Rain

In Oklahoma when the drought ends, it's not with a gentle rain.  It started on Saturday with high winds, hail and power outages and continued through this week.  Right now there's incredible thunder and lightning although it doesn't seem like there's any high wind.  Many, many trees in my neighborhood and all over the city have bitten the dust.  The sound of chain saws has replaced the sound of birds.  One day we got almost 5 inches of rain in one day. Of course, with the rain, temperatures are lower which is wonderful.  Who would have thought that 96 degrees would feel cool!  Lots of drama with the weather this summer. 

Sometimes it seems to me that the drama us humans create on the planet (in my opinion, totally unnecessarily), is accompanied by dramatic weather.  It occurs to me almost every day that at my age, I'm not going to see the end of it.  All I can really accomplish is to increase the peace within myself and share that with whoever wants it.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Greed and Fear and Finance

I've been watching the stock market go nuts.  Since I don't invest in the stock market because I think it's just about guessing which way the sheep will run, I'm not personally affected.  I took a tiny bit of time to check in with CNN and Fox to see what they were saying about what was going on.  All I heard was the blame game and guesses as to why what was happening was happening.

I would love to see some psychologists make a study of what drives investors to buy or sell.  I'm guessing it's not about the logical, rational stuff the media thinks it is.  I'm guessing it's more about emotions like fear and character defects like greed.  When the market is going up, people buy stock (greed), and when it's going down, people panic and sell stock (which makes prices go down more).  What's goofy about it is that people who make money buy stock when prices are low and sell when they're going up.  That's the rational thing to do but since fear and greed seem to be the motivators...

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Appreciation

A short, but typically Oklahoma thunderstorm came through just as my friend and I finished eating all we could at Golden Corral (I want to move in there so I can just keep eating).  Short, powerful wind bursts and little penny-sized hail, lots of rumbling thunder and bright lightening.  As we drove home, we saw trees, branches, a bus bench and various pieces of trash on the street.  At my house all that was blown down was a few tree limbs but my power was out.  So I sat on my front porch in my porch swing until my tail got numb.  Then I went and got an egg crate and sat on that while I watched it get dark and the solar lights come on in my yard and the neighbors' yards.  There was a breeze which, since I have a lot of windchimes hanging on my front porch, created music to go with the coolness.  Unfortunately I eventually had to go to bed in my very warm house but managed to eventually go to sleep until the power suddenly came on (does it ever come on slowly?) at 2:30 a.m.  I once again was grateful for electricity and went back to sleep without the icepack I went to sleep with.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Cool

It's over 110 today.  It was 117 Wednesday of last week.  I've taken to skipping my morning chores and dashing out the door before 8:00 a.m. so that I can run my errands before the pavement starts steaming.  I see by the weather report that it's supposed to get down into the 90s in a few days.  I'm ready.  I'm noticing that I'm not that upset about the heat.  I don't like it, but I'm just basically indifferent to the weather.  Basic problem solving:  Park in the shade.  Crack a window.  Put up the sun shade.  Take an ice pack to put on my neck when I have to get back in a hot car.  Turn the fans on.  Go places where I can park close and not have to walk far in the sun. 

It was Farmer's Market day and I got there about 7:45 a.m.  It wasn't that well attended - too hot already.  But to my surprise the vendors had more to sell than I thought they would.  Lots of tomatoes and okra.  A few green beans.  Lots of yellow squash and zucchini.  I was thrilled to find some summer vegetables even though the weather is like living in a desert than in a place where things grow. 

In this last leg of my journey, I am determined to enjoy absolutely everything I possibly can.  Even the blistering hot weather.

Friday, August 05, 2011

How Not to be a Doormat without being a Bitch

I think I will write a book with the above title.  It will, of course, be only for women.  I don't think men would relate.  I know from what men tell me that they do worry about being a doormat.   And it's been my observation that they worry incessantly about being controlled by women.  Sometimes it has seemed to me that just asking a guy to change something triggered his fear of being controlled and so he just went into automatic pilot and refused on principle.  Made me nuts.  I told my dearly beloved husband that I thought he didn't feel like a real man unless some woman somewhere was mad at him.  He didn't deny it - he said he thought I might have something there.  I knew I did.  But the guys don't seem to worry about being a bitch or a sonofa...  In fact they seem to collect points for being "tough" (hard to get along with).

On the other hand, us girls seem to want to please (doormat?), until we don't, and then we blow up (bitch?).  I'm guessing - from my own experience and from talking to other women - that our minds seem to be set in a way - maybe by mother nature - to be kind and nurturing.  We feel guilty if we are some other way - which we frequently are.  Being a doormat used to make me really angry which led to throwing big fits.  Finally I've learned that giving in to someone else's wishes doesn't make me a doormat unless I'm going to come to some harm by doing so.  Other people don't know what I want unless I speak up.  But asking for what I want is way different from throwing a fit.  There a million different ways to deal with people who don't want to do what I've asked for - and, of course, acceptance is one way.  Sometimes, however, it's necessary to do something else.

One of my favorite memories is of one of my ex-husbands building a fire in a fireplace that was a gas fireplace.  Sparks and smoke came through cracks in the upstairs closet because the fireplace wasn't built to have a real fire in it.  I carefully explained that fact, but it made no difference.  Then I began throwing fits because I was so afraid the house was going to catch on fire.  Now that I've learned that taking care of problems myself is sometimes the only answer, I would just call the fire department.  I don't think I would be that popular with the person building the fires if I did that, but I would not be a doormat and I would not be a bitch.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Purpose

I spent yesterday reading back through my journal beginning in January 2011 through July 2011.  It really was a daylong process - my rear end actually started to get numb from sitting still so long, and I haven't had that problem since spending months on end in a wheelchair.  My goal was to see what progress I had made on my priorities. 

For most of my life, I was driven by necessity and urgency.  I always ran out of energy before I got to the end of the urgent necessities and so lived with fear and guilt.  I got a lot better in that department after I got into recovery, but I never really figured out what came first.  I remember having company over for dinner and falling asleep in my chair after dinner because I was so exhausted from the preparations.  One year my husband decided we should never again have Thanksgiving dinner at our house because after everyone left I was so shaky with exhaustion I could barely walk.  In this part of my journey, I was still learning my limitations.

Finally I figured out - with the help of the principles of the program - that knowing what my purpose is is the key.  At first my purpose was to get well enough to kind of function normally.  Then my purpose became to be a reasonably responsible adult.  Then the evolution of my recovery led me to a purpose of spiritual growth.  At the same time I was working at a job that was so demanding that I felt like I was working 24 hours a day while coping with my husband's very serious illness.  My purpose of spiritual growth gave me the tools to love my husband and my job.  This part of my journey was about acceptance of reality and doing my best within my limitations even if it wasn't perfect.

Now I'm in the last leg of my journey.  My purpose in this phase is to stay as healthy and functional as I can while continuing to grow spiritually.  Part of growing spiritually is to find ways to share what I've learned.  But for the past almost six years, my purpose was to get as well as I could and I think I'm pretty much there.  So now I'm back to learning my limitations and accepting reality.  I have goofy goals like increasing the number of times I am able to get up before 8:00 a.m. so that I have the most amount of time to do the things that matter the most before I poop out.  Some of the others are to eat well, exercise and write, as well as make time for my spiritual practices.   Some of these are going better than others.  For example, in January and February I was up before 8:00 a.m. three times, but in the last three months I've averaged about 20 times.  On the other hand, I've exercised zero times in the last month, but in February, March, April and May I averaged twice a week.  Sometimes I go backward instead of forward, but I've learned to accept that about myself and just keep on keeping on.

 I also have my dear companion cat to care for and that gets more involved as he gets older.  I work with a number of people in the program and although that's time and energy consuming, it also increases my own growth exponentially.  All in all I was pleased with my progress report, and am ready for increasing my progress. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Pics

Montana golden rod.  Smells as pretty as it looks.
Motel in Billings, Montana.  Flew into Billings because there are no airports anywhere near Lame Deer.
Close up of the gorgeous petunias at the Billings motel.
Horse at the Billings airport.  Not real, of course.  Why is there a horse at the airport?

Here's the only pic that came out that I took at my birthday bash (celebration of decrepitude).  After this one is my birthday at the family birthday - both my grandsons and mine.  We're at Olive Garden and I'm eating who knows what.  After that is a picture of my dentist's garden outside his office.  I want one like that at my house.
I want a lavender garden like this one in my yard instead of a neighbor's yard.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Montana

Twice I've been able to go see my dear friend in Montana since he moved there.  Each time it's been a joy to catch up with him and know that he's enjoying himself there.  That's why I go.  The perk, however, is getting to enjoy the incredible landscapes.  On this trip the faces of the rolling hills were covered with flowers - I think it was Golden Rod - and the air smelled like smoky, flowery incense.  The inhabitants of this lovely place didn't seem to realize the scent - I asked what the lovely smell was and they looked at me strangely and didn't answer.

The Northern Cheyenne Tribe was having a four day Pow Wow on the July 4th weekend.  (The federal government transferred the Cheyenne tribe to Oklahoma where the Southern Cheyenne tribe still is.  Part of the tribe escaped and went back north - thus the Northern Cheyenne.)  There were tee pees everywhere.  I'm guessing there were several thousand people camped on the Pow Wow grounds.  I've been to Pow Wows in Oklahoma and this one was similar except it was outside.  Since it is much, much cooler in Montana than here, the outside venue was pretty much perfect except that campers probably needed lots of blankets at night since 58 degrees was the usual temperature.  I did not take picture.  My feeling was that I was a guest there - one of the only white people - and guests don't take pictures to take home and exhibit the natives.

As soon as I download my camera, I'll post the very few pictures I did take.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fear of Being Taken Advantage of

One of the many times I've been in counseling, the counselor said my greatest problem was that I was "gullible."  In other words I hadn't learned to take care of my best interests around other people - that I just trusted everybody whether they were trustworthy or not.  That, of course, led to constant resentment.  I was just chronically bursting with - first, anger; then rage.  After I got into recovery, my sponsor taught me how to handle myself around other people. 

First of all, she said, my source of love, safety, and really everything, was my Higher Power.  I could safely let go of all that fear of being taken advantage of because I was going to learn how to take care of myself.  For one thing, I needed to let go of all my expectations of others and how they needed to treat me and become dependent on my Higher Power instead of other people.  My HP would send the right people to me when I needed them.  This would mean that I was an independent person in the world - I was in the care of a perfect being who would not let me down.  Then she taught me that I could treat people the way I wanted to be treated which in turn teaches people how to treat me.  People who did not treat me well could simply be avoided rather than my becoming outraged about it.  My "rules" about how other people were supposed to treat me could be dumped in the trash because everyone has their own rules and weren't likely to follow mine.

For the most part I've been able to live in peace with other people.  It's hard sometimes and I need a lot of reminders and support from other recovering people, but I am very grateful.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Integrity Fund

My youngest adopted daughter and my foster son have been living in small group homes in the community for 20 years now (since they left Hissom behind).  The good news is that they have so much better lives now than I ever could have imagined.  My son has a part time job at a re-cycling center and last month he made enough money to cover all his living expenses.  He takes piano lessons, bowls on a team and swims.  He has autism and severe mental retardation and when he first came to live with our family at almost two years, he was so incredibly messed up that I would not have dared to even think about what his life would be like at almost 40.  What a blessing.  My daughter, too, has a much better life.  But there have been a lot of scary problems.  Her mother had Rubella when she was pregnant and as a result my daughter has all the possible disabilities from that - she's legally blind, totally deaf, has cerebral palsy and a bad seizure disorder.  No doubt she has mental retardation too but she's impossible to test.  The problems she's had mostly stem from the difficulty of finding staff to work with her that are willing to carry out the activities she needs to stay well and happy. 

After 20 years of frustration, I finally woke up to the realization that the people who work with her are not really paid a living wage.  Most of them just make minimum wage and many are single mothers.  Their lives are really difficult.  My daughter's life is much better than theirs - she has a reasonably nice house, nice furniture, good food, pretty clothes, and enjoyable activities.  Her medical care is good.  They don't have any of these things and yet I expect them to work hard and do everything for her.  So (and I think this is a God deal), I have realized I need to care as much about the well-being of the staff as I do about hers and be as strong an advocate for them as I am for her. 

I wish I could say that I've had many wonderful ideas about how to put this realization into action but I haven't.  Right now all I've thought up is fund raising to supplement the small amount they are paid.  So I'm throwing myself a 70th birthday party and since I already have everything I need in life - I'm asking people to contribute to an "Integrity Fund" which I will distribute to her staff on a monthly basis.  I also plan to have other fundraisers throughout the year.

Of course, if my memoir is a best seller I will be rich and will be able to double their salaries!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happy Birthdays to Me!

I've just passed my 70th birthday and my 28th sobriety birthday!  I owe thanks to many, many, many people and God for these celebrations.  Looking back at what I used to be like, there's no way I would have made it this far on my own.  I'm celebrating "decrepitude" because it's a stage of life I never imagined attaining.  The people who shared their wisdom with me in recovery programs, my loving family,  the professional counselors that helped me understand the sources of my misery and dump it, the doctors that repaired my body after the wreck, the physical therapists who restored my physical strength, the practitioners who assisted me in repairing my nervous system, the writers who have inspired me, other parents of kids with disabilities, personal friends and professional colleagues, and many others that I can't think of at the moment, all have made "decrepitude" possible and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  Of course, the God of my understanding who held me in His hands and guided me (when I was paying attention) - I am so grateful.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Storms

Yesterday I spent the day in Joplin because I had gathered some items and cash to help the folks affected by the storm.  One of my classmates is a member of a church that has set up a "distribution center" where people can come and get replacements for some of the things they might need that were lost in the storm.  So that's where I took everything.  They were organized and even more organized than that.  They had an intake area where people dropped off the things they had brought.  The church's website had lists of what was needed.  The intake area volunteers put each item in the area where it belonged.  Periodically rented trucks came and took items to the distribution area where people could come to get what they needed. 

Each family that came was assigned a "personal shopper" who got the family a shopping cart(s) and took them to the tents that comprised the distribution area.  Each tent had a category of items with volunteers to help.  My classmate and I volunteered in the pet area which had dog, cat and bird food, collars and leashes, cat litter, etc.  Other tents had all kinds of non-perishable food, cleaning products, personal care items, over the counter medication, etc. 

On the way to the church we drove through part of the area that was hit by the storm.  It's hard to believe that something as unsubstantial as wind could create that kind of destruction.  It's odd but as I've lived my life, I've become less and less emotional about disaster.  I know quite a bit about what the people have been experiencing, but I'm somehow not very sad about it.  I've learned that there's no way to escape heartbreak and if you work at it and are lucky, you will be happier and more at peace on the other side of it.  That's what I wish for all of the people affected by the storm.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Serenity Project

"The trouble is STAYING clean, taming the pit bull that's been chewing on your innards your entire life, the one you've been bribing to stay out of your consciousness."  Peter Coyote. 

It's no use trying to be serene with inner conflicts lurking at the edge of consciousness determined to be dealt with.  Anyone who thinks recovery from the disease of addiction is about not using alcohol and drugs is way off the beam.  It's almost impossible to stay off them without serenity, and it's totally impossible to have serenity without self-awareness, self-examination and self-acceptance.  That's really why I spend so much time and effort on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, meetings, helping others, accepting help myself, etc.  Serenity and peace have never come from improving my environment, getting a better job, making the people around me into what I wanted them to be.  They've only come when I've done the work on myself.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Excitement at Walmart

Here's the story as best I understand it.  Some poor crazy guy with several guns kidnapped a guy in the little town called Prue and ended up with him at my Walmart market just a few blocks from my house.  He went into the Walmart, shot off a gun a few times, went into the parking lot and tried to hijack a car.  The occupant who was a Tulsa University student would not get out of the car so the guy just shot him in the head and moved on to a pickup with several people in it.  They all got out and the guy and his hostage drove off in the pickup.  By this time the whole area was covered with cops.  The guy crashed the pickup in the parking lot of a business across the street and started shooting at the cops.  Somehow the guy died in the shootout.  At this point no one is sure whether he shot himself or the cops shot him.  The hostage is okay. 

My thoughts were that we human beings have not figured out how to do life.  We'll never know now what was going on with the guy.  Besides I could have been at the Walmart but had decided to do that errand last on my list.  Once again it wasn't my time.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Thoughts

Serenity Project

Day 5:  Much of what I'm studying these days has to do with how we human beings think.  Nothing I've read yet even gives me a theory as to why and how we first started thinking negatively but research shows human beings have a bias toward negativity.  The Four Agreements and subsequent books focus on the action to be taken rather than the why and how of it.  Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote the Four Agreements says we have a "parasite" in our minds that lives off the negative energy created from negative thinking.  The "parasite" is composed of a judge and a victim.  The judge constantly tells us we are not good enough and the victim takes it on the chin.  Don Miguel says that we're the only species that constantly attack ourselves about our mistakes - not just once but over and over for life.  We also attack each other for our mistakes - over and over and over.

Byron Katie also focuses on negative thinking as the source of all suffering.  Most of our thinking is negative - either we're worrying about the future or judging the past.  And most of our negative thoughts aren't even true.  We think they are when we're thinking them, but if we examine them, we see that they are false.  Katie's method of fighting back is to question the truth of the thought and then find truth in an opposite thought.  For example, if I'm thinking that a friend should not be late, I would ask myself if that's true.  Actually, I'm not God so I can't really say what someone else should be doing.  I'm not the author of the rules for every human on the earth.  Plus keeping my mind on how wrong my friend is keeps me from finding a solution.  Of course, I can ask him/her to be on time.  But if he/she is still late, then what?  Finding something I can do to fill the time while I wait might be one solution.  Another might be telling him/her that I will meet him/her at a time earlier than I intend to be there.  (This one is tricky, though.  It's pretty manipulative and people don't like that.  Plus it would be my luck that he/she would show up at the time I said and I would be the one that's late.)  The opposite thought might be, "He/she should be late."  That could be true - since something very important may have held him/her up.  Or another opposite thought might be, "I should not be late."  That could be true also.  By questioning the truth of my thoughts the "parasite" may get awfully tired of attacking me and give up!

The necessity is for me to keep myself aware of my thoughts.  Off and on through the day I can check and see what I'm thinking.  Good times for noticing are when I'm stopped at a stoplight, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting at the dentist's office - anytime when there's nothing much grabbing my attention and I can just notice my thoughts.  Very soon I will notice that the same worries and judgments run through my head over and over.  Boiled down to their essence, the thoughts are usually about my own or someone else's mistakes or unworthiness, and regardless of what someone told you - none of us are unworthy!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Serenity vs Mood Swings

Day 4:  In my morning reading there was a page about how our moods can change based on what's going on around us.  However, being so vulnerable to outside events sets me up to be a victim of things I have no power to change.  What I can do that I've learned over the years, is quiet myself by "getting out of my head and back into my body."  I do that by just noticing my breathing, how my body feels, how my feet feel on the floor/ground and by noticing what I'm thinking (and changing it to something positive).  Listening to the sounds in my environment and looking around at where I am help too.  Sometimes I can't quiet myself because my environment is so chaotic and charged with other people's upset, so I have to physically leave that space to quiet myself. 

Practicing this has taught me that I am actually reacting to my own thoughts rather than what's going on around me.  That was weird!  No matter what's going on, it's my negative thinking that causes my upset.  What I can do to get out of that victim place is to think about how I could inject something positive into the situation and do that.  Even if it has no effect, just thinking about something positive and taking action on it, returns me to a positive place.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I am powerless but not helpless

Serenity Project
Day 2 & 3:  I read the above statement in one of my morning readings today.  I love it because it sums up for me the truth about my responsibility for myself.  I came into recovery believing my problems were caused by other people and certainly other people were involved.  But the real problem was that I was never looking for the part I played in the problem.  In the last couple of days I've been practicing looking at even tiny little problems with the clear eyes of a person who is powerless but not helpless. 

I am powerless over other people, tornadoes, what my body wants to do about sleep, etc.  But I am not helpless - I do have the responsibility to respond rather than react to what happens around me.  I'm also responsible for taking care of my thoughts so that they don't run to the negative.  I've learned that believing what I think about ANYTHING is hazardous!  Usually my ego is running things in my head and my ego never wants to take responsibility for anything so tells me that someone or something else needs to shape up. 

This weekend I had a conversation with a friend about a problem she was having in a relationship and was reminded of this concept again.  She was feeling helpless about the effect the other person was having on her.  She truly didn't believe there was any solution to the problem unless the other person changed.  She had come to me for help, so I shared some ideas about ways she could take care of herself in the situation.  Since her mind was already made up that the only solution was for the other person to change, I didn't get anywhere.  I love and care about her so in the past I would have gotten emotional and tried very hard to get her to see things my way.  This time I just took care of myself by saying that I could see that she did not want to try doing anything except try to change the other person, but that I didn't know how that could be done.  Then I shut up.  I'm sure she wasn't happy, but at least I didn't get all upset myself.  I will pray for her since God is the one that has the power and be serene myself. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Freedom

In one of Pearl Buck's autobiographies she describes how she felt after she and her family ran away from China during the revolution.  She had lived there all her life as the child of missionaries and then the wife of a missionary, but during the revolution all the Caucasians had to leave.  She and her family ran to Japan where the kind people loaned them a place to live since all they left with were the clothes they were wearing.  She said that suddenly her life was radically and enjoyably simplified. 

Each morning she rolled up their sleeping pads, made breakfast over a charcoal brazier in the one pot they had, ate, washed the pot, swept the floor and then the rest of the day was hers to do with as she wanted.  She wrote a whole chapter about the joyful freedom she felt while they were in Japan and before they began accumulating possessions again.  It was not that she didn't feel the loss of everything they had, but that the sharp pain of that loss only lasted a short time before the lightness and freedom of simplicity set in.

This story comes to mind because I have friends in the Joplin, Missouri, area who survived the big tornado there but lost pretty much everything.  I am hoping they will have the same experience of lightness and freedom of simplicity.  I've experienced this myself after the fire we had in 2000 ruined pretty much everything we had.  Of course at first I was traumatized and very sad.  But soon I felt the freedom that the lack of possessions gave me.  Nothing to dust, wash, rearrange, pick up, put away, etc.  I loved it.  I still have empty drawers in my house where I just didn't replace things.  Somehow, however, I manage to accumulate "stuff" and when I get too much of it, I just give it away so I can keep the freedom of simplicity.

Serenity Project
I've decided to reinstate the Serenity Project I started a long time ago but didn't continue.  My idea was to record my efforts to increase the serenity in my life, but I wandered away from the goal as I sometimes do.  Now that I'm going to try again to do the project,  I had the idea of starting a whole new blog for it, but in the interests of simplicity and serenity, I think I will just stick with adding it to my regular posts. 

Day 1:  The reading for today in my "Courage to Change" book was about taking responsibility for my problems instead of perceiving people, places or things outside myself as the reason for the problem and blaming and complaining.  This was one of my first lessons in recovery.  At that time I was extremely angry and saw myself as a powerless victim of others and of fate.  My dear sponsor just gently pointed out ways I could solve those problems without having to try to make other people do something different or try to force solutions over and over that were not working.

At first I thought she was trying to tell me that all my problems were my own fault, and I just got angrier because I knew that was wrong.  But she kept reassuring me that it wasn't about whose fault it was, but it was about me taking responsibility for myself and for solving my own problems.  This was not a concept I had ever heard of or been taught about so I was a slow learner and I still have to be reminded.  But the concept has given me immeasurable peace of mind and serenity.  What ever the problem is, I can ask God (and myself), what can I do about this today?  Then I can take that action - whatever it is - and forget about the problem for the day. 

A couple of examples:  During the past few years I've been plagued with sudden spells of exhaustion where I sleep many hours for several days.  It's annoying and embarrassing and other people sometimes have been upset with me because I suddenly have to cancel plans.  My best advisers have pointed out that since my body and psyche are healing from a tremendous trauma followed by the trauma of several major surgeries, that I may just need to accept my sudden need for long periods of rest.  But I've resisted, trying to regulate and anticipate so that I have some control over it.  It seemed to me that this problem was lasting longer than it should.   Finally, I arrived at acceptance - which consists of me asking God and myself - "What can I do about this today?"  The answer varies from day to day. Sometimes I try to stay up - drink some coffee, exercise or whatever - but if nothing works, I go to bed and rest - with peace of mind.  For the last couple of days, I have mostly just rested - with serenity.

Another example:  I am usually unhappy in some way or another about the care my disabled daughter receives from her caregivers.  Right now she is in pretty good health and is fairly happy.  However, much of what is supposed to be provided for her just doesn't happen.  In the past, I would have spent days and days angry and griping incessantly to anyone who would listen.  If I could do these things for her myself, I would do it, but I am unable.  I can't say that I never get upset because I frequently do.  But my upset only lasts until I remember that I'm responsible for solving my own problems.  So, I ask God and myself, "What can I do about this today?"  Usually there's something I can do.  Most recently, her caregivers were supposed to take her for a regular medical appointment, but skipped many of them.  So, I just began reminding them about the appointment on the morning of the appointment, plus going there myself from time to time.  I don't think they were crazy about these reminders, however, eventually, they began taking her to her appointments on a regular basis. Serenity!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gratitude

I am amazed at the weather the world is dealing with.  This time the disaster was close to home and I have friends who were in the middle of it.  They and their cats are okay but their home is gone.   I grew up near where the tornado hit and my mother and grandmother died in a tornado near there in 1996.  I know how incredibly strange it feels to have everything you know just disappear in moments.  I am grateful my friends were spared and thoughtful about all the ones who were not spared.  I can't help but wonder what this all means - all the disasters.  Since the world did not come to an end on Saturday as predicted, I'm guessing it's not the end of the world yet.  However, I am realizing that for any of us our world could suddenly and unexpectedly stop.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Gratitude

One of my friends has been sharing her daily gratitude list with me from time to time.  I am always inspired by what she puts on that list.  I also do a graditude list every day as part of my daily writing.  Even though my journal shows my activities, thoughts, and feelings, those gratitude lists are much more of a view of how I am each day.  When I do a progress report on myself, the quickest way to do it is to look at my gratitude lists. 

I saw something in one of my meditation books that reminded me that gratitude for things "not made with hands" might be more a part of what I look for and have gratitude for each day.  The page in the book suggested that spending time with things "not made with hands"  (made by God, the writer was saying) is an effective way to get in conscious contact with the spirit of God.  I've wondered off and on why I love spending time outside.  That might be it!

So I've decided to increase the amount of time I spend outside while the weather is lovely.  There are so many terrific places to do it in Tulsa!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Everyday

Short verse of a poem by Mary Oliver (one of the best love poems I've ever seen):

So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the beautiful ideas of God

One of which was you.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Perception

I enjoyed the strange looking guy tell me in the Walmart parking lot that my leg was healed by the beautiful healing mother - one of the highlights of my day.  I was telling it to a friend later that day who was horrified - OMG!  He was probably mentally ill!  No telling what he might of done to you!  Etc.!  Weird that she saw it that way when I experienced it the opposite way.  Very odd.  Just showed me that perception is everything.  I was happy.  She was upset.  She would have been a lot more upset if it had happened to her. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Loving What Is

I'm still listening to an audio book by Byron Katie, but it's the second one now.  I finished listening to the first one during the two hours I waited for AAA to come and change my flat tire.  It was the perfect thing to be listening to while waiting because it motivated me to try to see the wait as the perfect thing to happen so that I could finish listening to the book.  AAA was extremely apologetic about the wait, but I was only mildly irritated thanks to what I was listening to.

All this is making me more aware of what actually happens around me that I could be enjoying if I were paying attention.  Today I went to the neighborhood Walmart which is basically a grocery store.  There's a guy that works there who gathers up the shopping carts.  He has dredlocks and wears some sort of clothing that appears be be Sufi or something like that.  He never looks at anybody, just goes about his business.  Today I smiled at him and immediately he came over to me and put his hand near my messed up right leg.  I think he said - the blessed mother of healing has healed your leg and so it is.  I thanked him and went in the grocery store.  That was a nice way to begin the morning.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Hissom in Stages of Being Torn Down


View of the school area

Inside what was the hospital unit where my friend's son died.


The old administration building.

The office building

Outside the gate looking in

Another gate


Hissom had its own water supply
I felt oddly calm when I expected to have some sadness.

Pics

Spring bouquets
Bec on spring break playing with Kristin's baby toys

Mary Lou and other classmates at the last gathering of the class of 59.
Kristin and I colored eggs!
Kristin found the last egg!
I was the Easter bunny this year.
Kristin in her new sweater.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

What If...?

Our books study group is trying to grasp the idea that all of our unhappiness is a result of the stories we tell ourselves.  Maybe everything is just the way it's supposed to be.  What?!! No way!  What about illness, death, people not doing what we want and doing what we don't want.  Shouldn't I be unhappy about those terrible things?  But suppose I'm not God and don't know what's best for me, anyone else, or the world?  Could it be that God is in charge instead of me?  There's a very good chance that that is a true statement.  But that would mean I would have to tell myself a different story.  For example, in our study group there were several mothers who had not heard a thing from their adult children on Mothers' Day.  Someone brought a huge number of fresh roses for all the mothers at the clubhouse, so we all went home with Mothers' Day flowers either to add to the love we'd already received or to receive the love we wished for.  Interesting.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Loneliness

I used to be very lonely despite the love and companionship of friends and family.  I remember thinking how weird that was.  The problem was that I hid so much of myself for fear of being judged, that I knew no one knew who I really was.  I believed if they did know, they would not love me.  As a result I knew I actually was alone. 

My friend and spiritual mother, Joanie, heard my very first 5th step where I told all my secrets, and she didn't even flinch - in fact, she yawned a few times.  Right up until her death she knew everything about me and loved me anyway.  She taught me that I will always feel alone in the world as long as I pretend to be someone other than who I am.  She taught me that there will always be people in my life who will try to shame me for my imperfections but I can just agree with the truth that I have imperfections and refuse the shame.  From that day, I've never been lonely.  There are tons of people in the world now who know everything about me and love me anyway - including me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Going Against Our Natural Desires

In yesterday's meeting I got the paragraph in the 12 & 12 that talks about how hard Step 5 is - telling our secrets to another trustworthy human being.  I thought that was cool since I've been thinking about how hard that is for most everyone.  We're terrified of being judged (because we're judging ourselves).  But it is so freeing to find out that almost everyone has the same secrets. 

"This practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient.  It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered...people... Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person."  Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

It's interesting that it says that all people have the need to show their true selves to somebody - not just drunks and crazy people!  I wonder how much misery would be eliminated if all of us quit hiding and found out how similar we all are.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Relationships

I think a lot about the mistakes we humans make in relationships because I talk to a lot of people who are having difficulties.  As I've said before, one of the first things I learned in recovery was that if I have a conflict with someone, all I have to do to solve it, 99% of the time, is figure out what my part is and change my part.  Poof!  Like magic - the conflict goes away. If one of the people in the conflict stops doing what he/she has been doing, the other person can't do what they've been doing.

The first thing that was pointed out to me was that I am actually powerless to change other people.  So, since I'm powerless anyway, I look pretty stupid demanding change.  They said that instead of complaining about what I don't like, I should ask for what I want.  Most people will just go on the defensive if you complain at them.  If you ask for what you want, they can at least think about it.  My first teacher in this said that you should only ask once.  If you bring it up again, you're trying to control.  I've never managed to shut up after asking once though.  So I've given myself permission to ask again on another day, this time really emphasizing how important it is to me.  Then I really should shut up.  I wish I could say that I've always done this, but I can't.  If I have a lot of emotion vested in getting my way, I sometimes go on for years (I hate to admit it, but it's true.) 

The second thing is that there is a God and I'm not it.  So I don't actually know how things are supposed to go.  Maybe they're supposed to be the way the other person wants it.  Of course, there are some things I'm sure about like murdering people is wrong, etc.  But I'm thinking about stuff like people who are consistently late, lie, don't do what they say they'll do, etc.  There are other rules too like how long dirty dishes can sit in the sink, etc.  Those are the kind of things I used to get upset about and that I hear about from other people.  But you know what?  Those are just opinions and different people see things a different way.  So since I'm not God, I'm way off my spiritual path when I start trying to get people to follow my rules. 

What's even worse for me is that I often refuse to take responsibility for myself by blaming other people for my problems.  If I know that a person I'm in conflict with does not want to do things my way, I'm not taking care of myself by constantly getting upset about it.  Odds are I could solve my problem by accepting that the person is just playing by their rules and doing what I need to do to take care of myself.  I used to be late at all times - not on purpose - I just couldn't gauge time.  I'm still late sometimes in spite of my best efforts.  The only way I can do better is to plan to be 30 minutes early.  However, it kind of ticks me off when other people are late.  Some people are always late (like I used to be).  If I know that in advance, why be annoyed when it happens again?  If I take responsibility for myself, I can expect them to be late and do what I need to do to take care of myself.  I carry a book with me and read while I wait.  I used to take work projects and finish them up.  If they're more than 15 minutes late to a meal in a restaurant, I order an appetizer, etc.  Guess what?  I'm not even irked when they show up. 

Life is a lot more peaceful when I change the person I actually have the power to change - me.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Simple Abundance

Back in the last big recession when everybody was having to cut back (1995), Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote Simple Abundance, a book of daily readings for having abundance without money.  I remember buying it just because it spoke to me from the shelf at the book store, not knowing it was a big best seller.  I loved it and implemented a lot of the suggestions in it which improved my life a lot.  I got it out the other day because it's another big recession and I'm cutting back even more than I did in 1995.  I was amazed to find that I'm still doing a lot of the things she suggested. 

Today's reading was based on Thomas Gray's poem, "Elegy in a Country Churchyard" which points out that we're all going to die.  All the things we think are so important today, in the face of the truth that we're going to die and we don't know when, are not all that important.  What is important are the people in our lives and the beauty of the world.  On our death beds we're probably not going to worry that much over whether we were overweight, had a tidy house, etc., etc.  There's so much to enjoy in every day that I just overlook in my efforts to get everything done.  This idea fits in with Don Miguel Ruiz's idea of making every day a work of art.

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