Grief

On Monday I got up and did my morning stuff and then went back to bed. I felt really, really tired and just couldn't get it together. When I lay down I really expected to go right back to sleep but I just lay there feeling exhausted. I never did feel any better although I lay down all day. I finally fell asleep pretty early in the evening. When I woke up yesterday morning I didn't feel particularly rested although I had been resting for 24 hours.

Yesterday was a busy day - I had one appointment after another and made it to all of them. I was surprised when I went home in the afternoon that I wasn't particularly tired. All at once I was aware that Monday was Ron's 25th AA birthday. Our AA birthdays were really big days for us. Both of us loved the program, loved recovery and were absolutely joyous about celebrating. So some part of me was sad and it was expressed in physical tiredness. I've experienced this before - on the anniversary of my son's death I have been tired like that and unable to rest but didn't realize what day it was. I eventually learned to be aware and to spend the day remembering my son and celebrating his life instead of lying in bed.

Evidently I've passed into another phase of grief where my conscious mind isn't going to alert me to what day it is, but my body is going to grieve without my awareness. Interesting. I've never read about this in any books about grief but I'll bet I'm not the only one. I'll mark Ron's AA birthday on my calendar so I can celebrate it with awareness.

I'm so grateful for the awareness I have. Otherwise I would think I was crazy or something awful. It's not awful - it just is.

Love and Fights

"When we have been attacked, the mystic's prayer is to feel from God the love that has been denied us by someone else. We pray for the ability to send love to someone who has withheld it from us, that we not contribute to the ....suffering between us...When someone has not shown us their love, our power lies in knowing that they would have, had they known how. " Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace.

Boy, do I wish I could do this. Attack = defend/counterattack in my hard wiring. Certainly only the grace of God can make any kind of change in my hard wiring. But from years of experience with loving my husband and knowing him in depth, I know it was true that on the occasions I felt attacked, he was usually attacking himself at some level. Every once in awhile I was able to respond in love; but mostly I defended and attacked back. Except for the time when he was really mad at me about something and in his frustration attacked me with the worst thing he could think of. He said I was the worst housekeeper he had ever seen. That time I was struck dumb. At that time I thought housekeeping was a waste of time, and took a certain amount of pride in only doing what I absolutely had to. So, it was the worst thing he could think of to criticize me for while I could be a little bit proud of it. Weird. I almost laughed. Glad I didn't.

What You See is What You Get

The saying above was from Flip Wilson's Geraldine character on his tv show in the 70s. I loved that show. I think "funny" comes a lot from surprise and his show was surprising. Geraldine was a self-confident woman that put herself out there big time and didn't seem to care what anyone thought. She knew she was magnificent. One of the first things I was told in recovery was that we're only as sick as the secrets we keep. I was sure if I told someone all my secrets that I would be judged and rejected. But that's not what happened. I was loved and accepted instead.

These days I am not on guard all the time like I used to be to make sure no one saw the real me. It has become a habit to be who I am. I sometimes catch myself, however, keeping quiet about what I want for fear someone will think I'm grandiose. I'm working on letting those secrets go too. It works.

"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Direction

"I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome." - Golda Meir

Oh, this is very strange. It's exactly what I need to apply to my current situation. I didn't know how much of the time I try to figure out how something is going to work out as a way of determining what to do. And, of course, I have no idea how something is going to work out since I can't read the future. No wonder I get stuck. So, all I really have to do is ask my Higher Power and my heart "what is the next right thing to do?" Wow! Amazing. I usually have little trouble with this way of deciding a direction. But once I start trying to predict the future, I get really scared and get stuck. Okay. Onward.

Trust My Aspirations?

"How many dreams have we let die? How many projects did we start, only to leave them unfinished? How many times have we promised ourselves, "this time will be different," but then didn't work to make it so?" Each Day a New Beginning.

Okay; enough stalling around. Today is the day I quit cleaning house and start on these projects I've promised myself for a lifetime to get done. Ugh! I am really nervous. But time is up for sure. At 66 how much more longer can I stall!? I'm not even sure what is in my way except fear of failure and ridicule, but I know how to over come those obstacles. Of course in previous cases I've been driven by a greater fear of some kind like, "I must do this even though I'm terrified because my kids are in danger." Or," I must do this because I'll lose my job if I don't." I know about forcing myself forward through fear because of a greater fear but absolutely nothing about going forward because I want something badly.

I'm grateful for my recovery program because I'm not alone in my efforts. So, my first step is going to be to call some people for support.

Just for Today

I had a diet coke with my burger which I ate at around 8:00 p.m. last night. Because of that I had a crummy night's sleep - went to sleep around midnight and woke up at 4:00. And I have a busy day ahead. I really want to get some of these items checked off my to do list that have been on there long enough for me to get worried. I need to order some checks, make a deposit at the bank, pick up a prescription (call from the pharmacy that if I don't pick it up, they'll put it back) and about 20 other things. I just detailed all this into a schedule and it doesn't fit in the time available - plus there's no way I have the energy after an abbreviated night's sleep. It seems I made some ineffective decisions somewhere along the way. Luckily I've been taught that I have choices. So just for today I'll enjoy my life anyway and accept with as good a grace as possible, my less than intelligent choices.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." Just for Today

Faith

"Faith is a way of saying, "Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." -Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love

Faith isn't a word I use much. I'm bad at believing anything without some kind of proof. So, they told me to experiment. Try asking something I didn't believe in to help me. Being desperate, I did. Then I noticed that a lot of things were getting better that I had tried and tried to fix without result. Hmmm. I still don't understand, but now I think as a human I'm probably incapable of understanding. I don't need it. I have proof that there's a force for good that helps me every day.

Change

"...when the time comes for us to accept a change. We'll know when it's coming. Our present circumstances will begin to pinch." Each Day a New Beginning

I've been ignoring my anxiety and procrastination about getting going with some projects I've promised myself to do. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a writer. I've been writing prolifically as part of my work for years and years, but I don't think about that as being a writer. I have many ideas for what I want to do and someone in my life who thinks what I write is publishable, but I've been stuck. However, right now my present circumstances have begun to pinch. That must mean it's time to move ahead. What I've been forgetting is that I'm not alone. If this is what is supposed to be, then it will happen. If not, it won't. The failure for me would be being on my deathbed having never given it a shot.

Economics

I'll start by admitting that I really am ignorant of the subject of economics. I probably need to study it since I have all these questions and ideas. Nevertheless, in spite of my ignorance, I have opinions.

When I was in junior high or high school, I think I remember learning that investing in stocks was about owning part of companies and getting dividends from companies that were doing well. You checked into public information about companies and invested in the ones that were doing a good job and making money. I don't remember a single thing about guessing which stocks were going to go up in price and making money that way. To my surprise as an adult it seemed to me that it was just a gamble/guess, and you had to sell the stock to make money.

No one seems to actually know why stock goes up or down in price. It seems like the "sheep" all run in one direction or another because they're scared of something or because they think they're going to get rich from buying stock when the market is going up. No one actually seems to notice that prices go up and then they go down. It's a crisis and everyone gets very upset when prices start going down - like it's never happened before.

Lots of people have lots of opinions about how it works, but I always want to know what their track record is - are they making lots of money from good guesses? That never seems to be shared as part of their opinion. Scary.

Then it seems that everyone thinks "the economy" is doing well when the stock market prices are going up. What is "the economy" anyway? Who decided how to define it? How do we know they were right? I equate everything to my household budget - my "economy" is doing well when I have more coming in than going out, when I have a prudent reserve and when I'm gainfully employed in some way. By that standard our "economy" has been doing lousy for a long time. Government spends tons of money it doesn't have and doesn't have a prudent reserve. Businesses routinely lie about how much money they're making so their stock will go up. No wonder things are in a mess.

I wish I had answers for this because it affects me and everyone else.

Oh Barak!

I'm feeling sad. Barak has let Hillary and Bill drag him into a nasty round of accusations. I was surprised that he let it happen. Didn't he know that was how it was going to go? I figured he had a plan as to how to handle it when they twisted his words and put him down. But maybe he's not as smart as I thought.

I'm not sure how he should handle it, but striking back means he's sunk to their level. (Someone asked me once - "Do you know how to get even with a son-of-a-bitch?" Answer: "Sink to their level") In other words, you have not handled it well. Maybe a simple, "that's not true" would work combined with a "truth squad" that provided a more thorough explanation in another venue, and then a return to the issues at hand.

I still credit Barak with the wonderful goal of rising above the infighting and separatist politics that have disgusted me for years and eaten away at my hope for enlightened leadership. But I'm sorely disappointed that the Clinton's dragged him into the mud so easily. I'm truly bummed.

Realistic Optimism

I just saw a very "dark" movie which portrayed some of the very worst in human beings and in our world right now. I heard from someone else that it was depressing. I wasn't depressed and I wondered about it. I thought the movie was a work of art as it showed the underside of life. Maybe something is wrong with me that I don't get depressed when I am confronted with evidence of the terrible things in the world. I don't really know if something is wrong with me. I don't think so.

I have worked hard in my recovery to accept myself and the world around me as I am and as the world is and still remain optimistic. It wasn't that difficult once I accepted that I didn't have the power to change myself or anything in the world without the help of a higher power. To the extent that I don't face myself as I am and the world as it is, I am truly powerless. I won't even have sense enough to ask for help from my higher power.

My life has had quite a lot of difficulties that sometimes shock other people. That fact may have a bearing on why I'm not shocked by the tragedies in the world. I'm not living in a fantasy land where nothing bad happens if you behave yourself; and so those tragedies happening to other people - well, they probably did something to cause them to happen and since I'm behaving myself, I don't need to be concerned about what's happening to other people. No, I know that much tragedy is simply random or has multiple causes.

My task as a human is to learn to live in the real world and contribute to the greater good as I'm able. The trick is to stay optimistic while facing the truth. I can only do that because I believe in a force for good in the universe that I can align myself with.

"Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built." As Bill Sees It

Journeys

"Try to see in all things some fulfillment of the Divine Intent." Twenty -Four Hours a Day

I'm really on two trips at the same time: learning to live without Ron and physically recovering from the wreck. It's a struggle because I can't actually focus on one at a time because they're happening simultaneously and I have little control over either trip. I'm grateful for the structure my recovery program gives me - I believe there's a gift from the force for good in the universe in both trips.

Right now I'm more and more thankful for Ron's and my relationship. The first ten years of our marriage he was the one with the stability and could give me the support I needed to re-do my life, make amends to my children with disabilities, and get comfortable with myself. Most of the time during those years I felt unconditionally loved. Amazing healing took place at a time when I was most hard on myself and feeling the most worthless.

I know I'm not supposed to take my self worth from what someone else feels about me. But too bad. I did. It worked. I wish I had been as good at giving him unconditional love when he needed it. I still have the feeling that wherever he is, he still loves me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that a person I loved and respected convinced me that I was a wonderful, beautiful, capable child of God.

The most recent trip to the orthopedic surgeon revealed very little from the xrays. He was happy that I had done well with walking with only one crutch. He said since there didn't appear to be any movement of the rod, pins, and wires that are holding my femur together, he was going to guess that the femur was healing. So, my instructions are to switch to the cane, and when I'm strong and doing well with that, stop using any assistance with locomotion, walk independently and hope my leg will hold me up.

My friend, Peggy, who comes with me to most of my doctor appointments, was elated. I was cautiously optimistic. I just wish there was a way to know what is truly going on with that bone, but there isn't, short of opening up my leg. So, I just have to move forward and see what happens. My wheelchair is folded up behind the kitchen table. It's close by - not in the garage. But my butt hasn't been anywhere near it for a over a month.

At this point I finally have the energy to work on getting some routines in my life that will support what I really want to do. Now that my every waking moment isn't taken up with trying to function while being exhausted, in physical and emotional pain and overwhelmed with doctor appointments; I'm thinking about having an organized home, good nutrition, time to write, time to build my new business, and time to grow spiritually. My goal is to finish setting up these routines and learning them as well as cleaning up some of the most messy parts of the house by the end of the month. Let's see - I have about 10 days. I've been at it for a couple of days now and gone to bed totally worn out but feeling good. So, maybe I will make it by the end of the month.

I have a dream day

I was awake and in the world during the time Martin Luther King was doing his work. I had never heard of non-violence as a way of changing the world and was fascinated. I remember watching the marches with the police violence and waking up to the state of human nature. My heart felt broken for the injustice and cruelty. As time has passed, I've rejoiced at the changes I've seen AND I know there's still a long way to go. Another one of my "soap box" speeches is on why we don't expend tons of research dollars on finding out what motivates humans to be violent and cruel and whether we can change. I have a dream that we'll all wake up and put our resources in the really important things.

Creative Actions

"Reaction isn't action - that is, it's not truly creative." - Elizabeth Janeway, Each Day a New Beginning

Freedom to be creative - that's one of the amazing things I've learned in recovery. I am not at the mercy of my past mistakes, negative experiences, or current struggles! I'm free to decide how I want to be and how I want my life to be regardless of outside circumstances.

Today I'm sitting in the midst of my creativity and having a good laugh at myself. My kitchen table still has a huge bunch of left over Christmas stuff - two dead poinsettias, green and red placemats and the platter, red paper plates and "Santa, I can explain..." napkins that never got used for the Christmas brunch because of the ice storm. The office floor is covered with wrapping paper and gifts that haven't been wrapped, let alone delivered because, although I've been home two weeks, I'm still struggling with the magazines, catalogs and mail that came while I was in Texas. All those are on the kitchen floor and the dining room table. I can't put away the Christmas brunch stuff until I clean out a shelf in the linen closet. I really have been working at it, but for some reason it's very slow.

I have, however, had time to go to the movies, eat lunch and dinner with friends, do a tiny bit of work, and buy a used, fake mink bedspread. I'm also making to do lists, calendars, schedules and using every resource I can find to help me do a better job of being creative rather than reactive in 2008. I'm having a glorious time.

New Year

The rule I thought up just now is that I have until the end of January to start the new year. Of course I realize that I can start a new year anytime. It's just arbitrary. But something about January gives me hope that this will be the year I lose weight, get in shape, get organized, and become a better person in general. I refuse to give up the hope. There's a good chance that I would weigh more, have fewer muscles, be more confused and be a cranky old woman if it weren't for new year's resolutions. I'm grateful for the hope. Luckily I also have a lot of help available to me.

"God never, ever asks us to do anything that God does not equip and supply us to do." Melody Beattie, Co-Dependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps

"Grief Calls Us to Open Our Hearts in Hell" - Stephen Levine

The above quote is from Unattended Sorrow which is probably my favorite book on grief. Stephen Levine and his wife have been working with grieving people since the 70s. And he knows what he's talking about. No bullshit as that quote shows. In fact, opening my heart in hell has been the only way of making my way in grief. I've tried other ways - like getting drunk and staying that way, going to bed and pulling the covers over my head, getting furious at the world and life and acting out accordingly. None of them work. They only made things and me a whole lot worse.

Levine says, "The inclination to disown our pain degrades us and turns our pain into suffering. Approaching the pain with mercy and awareness, we are called to open our hearts to it." This is unbelievably hard to do. The program has taught me to have mercy on myself for my flaws - even for my unwillingness to bear the pain of grief. It seems to me, though, that the pain of grief is equal to the love I had for the person who died; so the greater the love, the more impossible it is to escape the pain. What else is there to do really, except try to open my heart to it?

"...all that we love will someday turn to dust. But the love will remain. A love that calls us even now to attend more fully as much to the sorrow remaining from a departed loved one as to the unloved parts of ourselves." Quote from Levine again. I'm glad I knew this when Ron died. For awhile my love for the others in my life was what was mostly in my awareness - overshadowing his loss. And I still loved myself as I have since having worked the steps enough times to learn who I really am - with all my flaws - because I know I am God's beloved child. The odd thing was that I lost my conscious contact with God for awhile. I wasn't mad at God. I wasn't questioning the justice of Ron's death and my injuries. I just had no energy to even think about conscious contact. I felt quite lost but still knew God was present even though I couldn't feel it. I felt much like a woman quoted in Unattended Sorrow: "I'm feeling a little better. But to tell the truth, I would rather be with Robert (her husband who died) than with God."

I still feel a little bit that way sometimes. But wherever Ron is, I'm sure he's with God. So, God and Ron are kind of mixed up with each other. When I'm talking to God, I'm talking to Ron. When I'm talking to Ron, I'm talking to God. They are surely in touch with each other and in the same place. There's some resolution in that.

My Christmas Presents - Grandsons and Girlfriends

Left to Right:
Thien, Adam's girlfriend, Adam; Aaron and Amy,
Aaron's girlfriend. And, of course, Rusty

" Shed peace, not discord, wherever you go....Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

This concept from my morning meditation really makes me think. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with ignoring evil, but I do believe it's my job to shed peace not discord. Seeing myself in my mind's eye shedding peace....hmmm. It's pretty easy to see myself shedding discord, because I've done a lot of that in my life and I'm fairly new at shedding peace.

I can absolutely testify that fighting evil with discord does not work well at all. I've actually won a lot of the fights I've taken on. But you know what - even when I've won, the folks I beat kept fighting - just in secret while pretending to knuckle under. For sure things are a lot more complicated than I used to think. At the same time, I do believe that underneath it all people want to be accepted - and loved - for that matter. But we all cover up that need with a whole bunch of fears, rules, demands and general insanity.

Today is my last day with my daughter and her family in Texas. It's been an amazing visit. I'm so glad I got to spend this time with her, her husband and the three pretty much grown children. The older two - guys - have serious girlfriends and I got to know them better on this visit also. They have both done a really good job of picking out girlfriends. Being a visitor and a member of the family with all these personalities in the same house has actually been an exercise in trying to shed peace. Mostly I've just tried to love and enjoy which has left me comfortable at least, whether any one else benefited or not!

Geek, Dork, Nerd

My oldest grandson tells me the above words are frequently misused. So in honor of 2008, one of my first contributions to the greater good will be the simple definitions provided by my grandson:

Geek - a person who is intensely interested in one thing, ie computer geek, music geek, etc.

Dork - an extremely clueless person.

Nerd - a very smart person


So Bill Gates is a geek and a nerd but not a dork.

Journey

Here it is, the last day of 2007 and I feel obligated to take an overall look at the year. I don't really like to do it - I prefer living one day at a time. But in some ways I'm just escaping looking at my situation in it's entirety. So....

Last year at this time I was still in the exhausted fog from the extensive surgery I had in September 2006. It was a long and difficult surgery with a long recovery time to even learn how to take care of myself again. Although I got a new hip, it turned out that my femur was very much not healed and there was nothing they could do for my knee. I was very upset and decided to plan on having my leg amputated and getting an artificial one to speed up the process of being able to function. (I changed my mind about that eventually.)

As it turned out I stayed in that fog for the whole year. I felt worse than I felt after the wreck in some ways. Often I just could not get up in the morning. Sometimes I slept as much as 18 hours a day. Obviously, work wasn't going that well since I was barely able to work. I mostly tried to eat, sleep, work as much as my condition would allow and go to as many meetings as I was able. Grief at losing Ron receded into the background somewhat - partly due to time passing, partly due to the grief work I was doing, partly to the amount of effort it took to get through a day, and partly due to Cymbalta (the anti-depressant I was on).

I began going to counseling again in January of last year. In the beginning, counseling consisted of trying to find ways to write (which is what I want to do). Pretty soon we gave up working on that since I was clearly not able to to add anything to my life in the condition I was in. We just talked about how to handle the exhaustion, etc.

Sometime in the summer I was able to go back to getting some body work that has helped with my PTSD in the past and was immediately a lot better. We thought (the doctor and I) that my leg was healing so I went from the walker to a cane and then to walking on my own. Almost immediately I had severe pain in my leg and a ct scan showed that the bone was not actually healed. Sooo - back to the hospital for another bone graft surgery in September.

In June my boss told me they were putting me on part time and changing my title from Vice President to Director - and, of course, changing my salary accordingly. I lost my private office too. I was actually fine with it since I had been thinking that I should probably request the same change. I felt stressed every day because of my inability to function. Unfortunately, I still felt stressed because I still wasn't able to handle even the part time schedule. In August the Association's national office decided to have an event in Oklahoma and I was not sure I could handle that and neither were they. While I was worrying about that, I found out that I was going to have to have yet another surgery. After talking to a couple of people in the program, I decided to tell my boss that I thought they should hire someone to do my job and just contract with me for some of the loose ends I needed to take care of. As soon as I made that decision, I felt a whole lot better. We agreed to work out a contract which I'm now working under. It doesn't require much of me and doesn't pay much either but I feel sooo much less stress.

One of my friends asked me if I was going to be able to make it on what I have coming in which includes Social Security. My answer was that I have no idea. What I hope is that as I feel better I may be able to work more doing something else. Right now shelving books in the library sounds lovely, peaceful and calm.

When I thought my leg was healing, and that I was going to be walking within the year, my oldest daughter, Liz, and I booked a cruise to celebrate. Of course, it turned out I had surgery instead of walking, but we went on the cruise anyway - six weeks from the surgery. It was a lovely week. There's really nothing to do on a cruise except eat, rest and have fun. We did all that and we both felt very renewed when we came back. My theory is that everyone should take one week a month and go on a cruise. We would function ever so much better when we get back.

When I wasn't on the cruise, I was setting up my new business called, "Empowerment Services." I'm not that fond of the word "empowerment." But I couldn't find a synonym that described what I want to do. I want to help various groups of people with information and support to function better in their lives. It's all stuff I really love to do and stuff that's needed. I have learned that what's needed isn't always what's wanted so it remains to be seen whether this stuff works out.

I still have some more to do to get Empowerment Services operational. But I'm close. At my last visit to the doctor, we talked about what's next with my leg. It appears that nothing is really happening in the healing. So, I probably have another bone graft surgery in my immediate future.

Well, 2007. You haven't been that bad a year, all-in-all. I've been a lot more disabled than I had hoped but still have been able to do many things I wanted to do - the cruise being a prime example. My family, my program, my friends in recovery, and my Higher Power continue to sustain me. I am so grateful for the love of God and my friends and family. I have four marvelous grandchildren and have been able to spend more time with them this year. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special, but mine actually are incredible. Anyone would say so. So, of course, are my children or they wouldn't have their fabulous kids. I'm looking forward to 2008, having learned a lot about how to manage myself in my situation - what's important and what's not. Welcome 2008!

Dream

This is a dream from a few days ago. I intended to document it but forgot. I guess it didn't make that much of an impression on me, but when I shared it at breakfast it got some weird looks and a few laughs - making it worth recording.

I dreamed I was at a campaign event of some kind for Hillary Clinton. Bill was there, and he made a pass at me. In the dream I thought, "Boy, is he ever clumsy at this. Those gals that fell for him must have had a huge talent for self-delusion." I wasn't even tempted. However, in the dream, he and Hillary had another child - a son about 8 years old who was a talented artist. I spent a lot of time with him and he drew wonderful, soaring pictures in my journal. I had a lot of fun with him. He was a wonderful kid.

"I will link my life with the Divine Force for Good in the world." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

In my meditation book this morning I found the phrase above. I've been reading this book for over 24 years and this is the first time I remember seeing this. What's amazing is that I have been calling my Higher Power "the force for good in the world" for years and years. I thought I thought it up by myself. But it looks like I got it from the Twenty-Four Hour book. Which is fine. Somewhere I read that all genius is undetected plagarism.

This name for my HP helps me not be concerned about whether God is this or that or the other thing. That's a big help since I always want to know everything possible before I even begin to accept anything. I think I love my scepticism. I don't know if it's a character defect or not; sometimes it helps me, sometimes not. What is absolutely clear to me that there is a force for good in the world (in the universe, really); just as clear as the fact that there's a force for evil. Linking my own life with a force for good gives me direction, joy, peace, love and fun. Why would I not want to link up? I don't know, but sometimes I forget. Well, okay, a lot of times. At least for today, I'm remembering...

Learning How to Love

It's the Christmas season with all the urgent activity that goes with it. I've been organizing my "to-do" list with the hope that I will be able to get everything in before my energy runs out. Then I read my morning meditation and realized I'd fallen back into the old habit of making a list based on what my ego tells me I really must do. But according to my meditation book, the object of each day is to learn how to love, and since I have come to believe that learning how to love is what we're all here for, a different kind of to do list is in order. I wish I had some kind of wonderful, lofty thing to say about a different kind of to do list, but I don't. With the shift comes a different feeling in my heart even though the list looks pretty much the same. The only thing added was phone calls to people I wanted to tell that I loved them - and my own heart was lifted.

Raising Children

Right at the top of my Christmas list is the wish that there was some consensus on how to raise healthy children. It seems to me that there are a lot of opinions but not much concrete research. Talk about peace on earth, good will toward men....for an inveterate do-gooder like me, information on child raising would be the solution to a lot of the world's problems. Unfortunately, we all seem to think we should know how to raise our children, and we stumble through it without having a clue - most of us, that is. A lot of us are clueless that we don't have have a clue.

I have a daughter with a toddler. She expects herself to already know how to take care of her, and when her strategies don't work, she doesn't know what to do. But she's ashamed to ask because she thinks she should already know. So, she gets very frustrated. Frustration leads her to yelling, which in turn leads to loud screaming and crying from the baby.

I can relate since I experienced the same thing. I read Dr. Spock and that was some help but a lot of what went on on a daily basis was just not in the book. I asked a lot of questions of other mothers but what they said didn't seem to fit. For example, I asked a woman I met at a company party, how she got her two-year old toilet trained. She said she just tied him to the potty chair until he went and wouldn't let him up no matter how much he screamed. Even though I didn't have a clue, I was pretty sure that was wrong. But boy, she certainly was sure she was right!

I longed for something definitive that would help me with the day to day situations I encountered. Never did find it. So, I just went along everyday feeling wrong and guilty - which made me depressed and a worse mother. From talking to other mothers, no one ever felt they were doing things right. Like me they had no way to judge, so if their children weren't always happy and perfect, they were sure it was their fault.

Gratitude

Tis the season for an attitude of gratitude. I'm more familiar with grumpy than gratitude but....

• I'm glad I survived the wreck. If you had asked me before the wreck if I wanted to die at the same time as Ron, I would have said, "yes." But that was because I was so afraid of losing him. When I woke up in the hospital, I immediately knew that it was his time but not mine and I wasn't afraid. Just terribly sad. I believe I'm here for a reason. I can think of several possibilities but I don't really know. For right now, I'm just focusing on healing and awaiting instructions from a higher power. I miss Ron like hell, like I knew I would, but I'm not afraid to live without him.

• I am most grateful of all for family and friends. I am still amazed by all the energy and love that has held me up for the past two years. It's never even begun to slack up. I wish I could think of a way to write a story about it. I'm trying but haven't figured out how I want it yet. In this day and age of incredible busy-ness when everyone is overloaded with way, way too much to do, people carved huge chunks out of their lives to be there for me in every conceivable way. They fed me, clothed me, sat with me, cried with me, slept at my house to oversee my middle of the night fears and bathroom visits, cared for my cat, helped me pay my bills and take care of the massive amount of paper work involved after an accident and a death, helped me take a bath, did my laundry, cleaned my house, brought me 12 Step meetings in the hospital and at home, helped me do Ron's memorial (mostly they did it. I didn't do much), gave money to help with extra expenses, took me to the doctor, picked up prescriptions, went to the grocery store, mowed the grass, fixed my house so that I could manage in a wheelchair, took me to meetings, took me out to eat, took me to the movies and just sat around and loved me. Utterly amazing. I'm particularly grateful for my daughters who both had major changes going on in their lives at the time of the wreck - one moved from Virginia to Texas and the other had a brand new baby. They really had their lives disrupted one more time but stood up under it like the tough, loving women they are. I've heard it said that sometimes there's nothing you can do to repay what's given to you except to pass it on. This is certainly one of those times.

More on gratitude later.

Dreams

I've been having some dandy dreams. They are very entertaining to me. It occurred to me that writing them down might be useful, so...

I dreamed I was having sex with conjoined twins. It went rather well.

I dreamed I was a man who was going for a job interview. When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked anxious. So I decided to lower my eyebrows because I thought I would look calm. The whole dream was about plucking my eyebrows just the right amount at the top and brushing them down with a brush and then putting gel on them so they would stay down. When I finished, I left the mirror and the dream was over.

Back Again

I see I've been absent a long time again. That's mostly because I've been up to my ears in change. It took awhile to recover from surgery. Plus right before surgery I made the decision to step down from my job in order to have more time to do the things I need to do to heal, and to allow them to find someone to do the important work that I cannot do due to my recovery issues. It was a very good decision. I felt stress leave as soon as I made it. I had thought my recovery would be in a fairly straight line upward. I was wrong - it's been up and down and a lot of down. So, I spent the time before surgery rushing around to set up a new business through which I will contract to do a small amount of work. After surgery, as soon as I was able, I prepared for the CRUISE that my oldest daughter and I have been planning for a long time. We booked it to celebrate my being able to walk with a cane. But as it happened, I went in my wheelchair because it turned out that the femur in my right leg was not healed, and that's why I needed the surgery. So, we celebrated surviving adversity in pretty good shape instead.

The cruise was a great experience - just rest and kindness and good food and beautiful music. It was lovely to spend the time with Liz. She's been with me through this extremely tough experience and has managed to be positive through it all. And this is in spite of a difficult two years of her own. The highlight next to the beauty of it all, was the crew of the ship - representing more than 100 different countries. They were friendly and kind and fascinating people.

Now I'm back to reality - going through mail, paperwork from surgery (a full time job), and just trying to see what I need to be doing to play my part in healing. I've decided to put myself on a very high nutrition diet, increase my exercise, and do all I can to develop spiritually. That way I will know I've done my part to heal. The rest will be up to a higher power, of course

Battle of the Sexes

I am worried that these facts I pick up here and there; handled casually by the media like they aren't important at all; are as important as water and food to people but totally unnoticed!

I just heard on NBC (a talk show with two psychologists) that the "friends with benefits" phenomenon that seems to be popular right now, doesn't work at all well for women. Well, we women probably already knew that, but there's science that explains it. It seems that testosterone blocks the receptors in the brain that cause attachment as a result of the pleasure hormone that floods the brain during good sex. But women become strongly attached as a result of the pleasure hormone because, of course, we don't have enough testosterone to block the attachment.

Think how much heartache women suffer because we become so deeply emotionally attached to guys we experience sexual pleasure with while they remain completely detached. We decide that we're in love and expect him to be also. Think how much some guys disrespect women because they think women are "weak" based on our propensity for "falling in love" uninvited. And all the time it's a plot by biology for guys to run around impregnating women without getting attached while the women get attached and stay faithful out of "love." Oh how sad.

Of course, I also heard a couple of years ago - again on some t.v. show with psychologists - that when men fall in love (and no I have no idea what the biology is that causes it), their testosterone drops and so they become very attached and become like women in their desire to kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. Eventually this wears off and they are not as attached, and they don't like to cuddle, etc. unless it leads to sex. Think how much heartache women suffer because suddenly the love of their lives detaches from them and only cares about sex. Men wonder what happened - why did she become all disgustingly clingy but doesn't want sex? Biology again.

If people knew this it would really save a lot of pain for women. Men would have to work a lot harder to get into womens' pants, so to speak. We women wouldn't expect as much from the poor babies because we'd know they couldn't help but be detached. They're programmed to move from woman to woman and if they don't it's a miracle. Of course, our mothers and grandmothers told us this, but we didn't believe them. It turns out they were right. I hate that. Of course, all this just makes me want some testosterone or to be celibate for the rest of my life.

Edith Bunker

I swear I have got to start writing things down that I read or hear so that I can identify where these fascinating things come from. I'm fairly sure that I heard this on t.v.: The character of Edith Bunker in "All in the Family" was developed based on what God would do in each of the situations she was in.

Wow. What a concept. I watched one re-run in the middle of the night with this concept in mind and it fit like a glove. All she ever says is "Oh, Archie" when he's at his worst. She might follow up with reminding him of what a loving person would do instead of what he's doing. She does the same thing with Gloria and Mike. She just encourages and loves everybody no matter how ugly they're acting. Even when people try to run over her, she doesn't really allow it but doesn't exactly fight back either. She just returns their attempts to control her with hugs and kisses. Very interesting. Now I'm tempted to buy the DVDs so I can watch "God" in the person of Edith Bunker as conceptualized by situation comedy writers.

Love is Like War: Easy to Begin, Hard to Stop

The above is a fortune I got in a fortune cookie from Pei Wei's yesterday. Hmmm. So true. I've had that experience time and again. Particularly with falling in love and then finding out that there's something or things about the other person that are totally unacceptable but not being able to stop being in love. Extremely annoying and life changing.

Go or stay? Go or stay? Go or stay? Constant internal conflict. The only sensible solution is to go and grit one's teeth and tolerate the pain of leaving someone very much loved but not unconditionally. It's especially important to do it when being with the person is not healthy for you. It's not good for them to be with someone who finds things about them unacceptable. I think this dilemma is commonly called being "between a rock and a hard place." Sucks.

And then, of course, is the situation I'm in now where I love someone totally and he's dead. Sucks. Can't really figure out how to love someone who's dead. It seems to require his presence. I know it helps a little to send him love wherever he is, hoping that he will receive it. Notice I didn't say it helps much. At a recent women's retreat I attended, we made "God Boxes." This is a technique for "accepting the things I cannot change" from the Serenity Prayer. When you run across something painful that you cannot change, you write it down and put it in the God Box as a symbolic way to teaching yourself to allow God to work on it. I made a God Box to put messages to people who aren't able to receive my love in the usual way and let God deliver them. I don't know if this will help or not but it's worth a try.

I'm Back

I really hate these periods where I don't want to write but I know if I don't I will quit altogether because I've lost the momentum.

So.... I'm home recovering from surgery on the 10th. It went well for a change and I'm feeling okay. I got to go home less than 24 hours later which was wonderful. I'm not crazy about having to be quiet and inside for so long but I'm doing okay with it. The last time I had surgery, "Six Feet Under" was running on some cable channel and I watched most of the episodes. It was the best series I've seen in forever. I swear I'd buy DVDs of it if that was available. But this time there's absolutely nothing on tv to watch. Even Dr. Phil seems to have turned into Jerry Springer. So, I might as well give some thought to my blog.

Clean Out

Well, today was the appointed day for me to bag up Ron's clothes. I decided that I was not going to postpone it even one more time. Today is the anniversary of the wreck which makes it a good day for clearing out the closet. I've cleared out quite a few other things but the clothes? NO. Everytime I headed for the closet I had the feeling that he would not like it one bit that I gave away his clothes. Of course, what was really going on was that I still had the feeling that he would need his clothes when he came back. I know, I know, that's crazy thinking but it's just part of grief. So I postponed and postponed.

The clothes are now in bags and I will take them to the Salvation Army. Ron did a relapse prevention group for the Salvation Army for several years. These were the homeless guys that had such terrible drug and alcohol problems that they literally had no where to go. He loved those guys a lot and spent extra time with them trying to help them make the transition to the world. He would approve of giving his clothes to them.

Ron loved clothes. Sometimes that was a problem when he was broke. But as I put each item in the bags, I could tell you when he bought it, where he bought it, why he bought it and what he loved about it. Each item was chosen with care and I was usually with him when he bought it. I think it's a good thing to pay attention to what you put on your body every day. Clothes are a big part of what defines you to the world. His signature was a touch of outrageousness and his Hawaiin shirts. I still don't know what to do with the "ear cuff" he bought several years ago for the express purpose of annoying his conservative boss. He sure didn't want to pierce his ears so he just bought a silver ear cuff that he could take on and off.

He liked to buy clothes for me too and had an unerring accuracy about what would look good on me. I didn't pay much attention to clothes when we got together, but I picked up his careful attention to that part of his identity. Another gift I'm left with. I should put all my very best clothes in his now empty closet.

Is it true, Is it kind, Is it necessary?

I picked this up in a meeting the other day. It wasn't the first time I heard it but it was the first time it stuck. I thought we should all have this tatooed on the inside of our forearms where we could consult it before saying anything to anybody. Usually what I say is true. I don't lie on purpose anymore. But the "kind" part is probably something I should work on. And the "necessary?" Wow I REALLY need to work on that. I wonder if even 50% of what I say is actually necessary. I think these questions are really designed to help people stop before they "straighten somebody out." But they're applicable to communication in general.

Talent

One of the things I'm grateful for is all the talented people that live in Tulsa. I've had the opportunity to see singers, musicians of all kinds, actors and other artists over the years. I guess I thought that the only REALLY talented folks were in the movies, on t.v. or made recordings. Well, that's not true. Lots of REALLY talented people live here - and probably a lot of other places too. They just haven't had the luck or whatever to make it to the big time. Which is why I love the new reality shows that show off talent that probably wouldn't make it to the big time otherwise. I used to say that they should make t.v. shows that just gave artists no one ever heard of, the opportunity to be seen. Well, see there, they stole my idea and are making millions! (ha)

Grief

I feel like complaining today.

I've read a lot of books about grief over the years and, of course, more of them lately. And then I've also had a lot of advice about it. Some of the books have been very helpful. Some haven't. In fact, there's just a lot of crap out there about grief. "He's in a better place" is one of the things people used to say. Another one is "time heals all wounds." He may be in a better place and if so, that's good. But he's still gone from me. And "time heals all wounds" may be partially true but so what. If I'm in agony right now, the future doesn't comfort me one bit.

A couple of years ago I read a book about grief that was written by a spiritual teacher I really respect. Unfortunately his book about grief was total crap as far as I was concerned. He said his mother still existed in the universe in the form of energy so she wasn't really totally gone. That one is akin to stuff I've read more recently that people live on in the memories of the people who knew and loved them. Also, I've read that your relationship with the person just changes - you can still communicate with them - write them a letter. I'm sorry but it's just crap. Doesn't make me feel better at all!

The person I loved is not here and pretending that the energy that remains or the memories or the one-sided conversations are actually going to help is just nonsense. I can't touch the person; I can't kiss and hug the person; he or she doesn't answer when I call; he or she doesn't respond to my communication; I can't call him when I have a flat tire in another town and hear "hang on baby - papa's coming to the rescue." What has helped me in the books I've read and the people who have talked to me is the acknowledgement of the amazing pain that grief brings and the better it's described so that I can identify with it, the more it helps.

I read in one book that the agony of the longing for the other person can be just slightly alleviated by sending them your love and blessings wherever they are. That one turns out to be true for me. It doesn't take away the longing but it gives me some place to send the energy of the love I have for that person. It seems to me that a great deal of my pain consists of the inability to actively love the person I've lost. The day to day loving gestures and words have nowhere to go. Of course, I also miss the loving words and gestures that I received every day, but it is actually more painful to think of the person with love a million times a day and have no way to express it.

As I'm learning to survive the grief, I notice that I'm learning a new skill - living without someone I thought was vital to my happiness. As it turns out, the more I practice, the more I see it is possible to live without him happily - most of the time. It's like learning any new skill - hard in the beginning, easier with practice and time. One of the barriers, though, is the feeling that comes over me sometimes, that if I'm happy it means I love him less. Not true, of course, but I still have the feeling and have to talk myself out of it.

Cronehood

Having decided not to join in the cultural race to look younger via various procedures, and therefore, won't be pretending to be 50, I have to ask myself what to do with myself. It doesn't seem to me that there are many role models. I've always heard that Native Americans and Asians respect elders for their wisdom. But that doesn't seem to be true of our culture. I think that elders are considered to be out of touch and old fashioned. It would be nice to sit around and give advice and be honored for it, but I don't think that's on the menu for my cronehood.

Of course, there's the story I've heard about how Eskimos used to put their old people on ice floes to float to their deaths since they were no longer useful and still had to be fed. I worry some about this one. As we all start to live longer and longer, and our kids have to take care of us to the detriment of their kids and lives...Well, I guess they really wouldn't put us on ice floes but they might want to.

So, I will try to be as useful as I can and will keep trying until I fall over from croneness. For one thing, it's fun. Just sitting around resting is sooo boring. In my work I've had occasion to visit quite a few nursing homes where people are sitting around. It always occurs to me that these folks surely must have some skills they could use. Couldn't they fold towels, sort silverware, hang a picture or something? They would be a lot happier, the people in their lives would respect them more, and they could lighten the load for the grossly underpaid and overworked staff of nursing homes.

Obesity

I can't help but wonder about this and it's another thing I see nothing about in the media. I know fast food is partly responsible for the obesity epidemic but the thing is - everybody used to smoke! I was a 5 pack a day smoker and never weighed more than 105 lbs. When I quit, I quickly went to 160 lbs. Hmmm. Wonder how many other people had the same experience. I know, I know - there are plenty of exceptions. My mother was very overweight and she was a heavy smoker too. But still...

Stories

I'm on the other side of some of the worst of the grief, thank God. While I was in it I was so overwhelmed I couldn't put words to it. Now it seems important to try to describe what was happening to me.

First there was the constant realization - over and over- that he was gone. Not gone like he was out of town, but totally and forever gone. I would be thinking like I always did about things I wanted to tell him when he got home, and then realize that he wasn't coming home, and I wasn't going to get to tell him. It was as if I was storing up stories to tell. The were piling up and piling up until the weight of them was crushing me. Telling someone else wouldn't work because they were stories I could only tell him. I wanted to know what he would say; what he would think. There were more than 20 years of history that the stories fit in to. No one else knew the history.

Crone

I believe "crone" is the correct word for the stage of life I'm in. I'm certainly not a child. I'm not in my childbearing years. I'm not even postmenopausal since that happened about 20 years ago. Being a crone wasn't on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. I've been in this stage of life for over 6 years (since age 60), and I can't figure out what to do with it.

In this culture I think what I'm supposed to do is pretend I'm around 45 or 50 and get a lot of skin treatments, maybe even plastic surgery, liposuction, and hair dye. I do have the hair dye and I've given a few hours of thought to those other things. But since I'm limited on funds I have to ask myself, "what would I actually gain if I looked 15 years younger?" "Would it be worth the investment in $ and time and pain?" So....I guess that when I looked in the mirror I would see a younger-looking person. So what? Would I feel better about myself? Why? I know I'm 66. Looking younger wouldn't make me feel different. Or at least I don't think so. So... the change must be for other people. So... what if people thought I was 50? Well, that would only be people who don't know me because people who know me know I'm 66. I guess that looking 50 might be a good thing if I was looking for a job. But I already have a job.

Or, of course, there's the obvious: MEN would find me more attractive. Or they would until I took off my clothes or got under a bright light. It's kind of like wearing what we used to call "falsies." If a guy thinks you have big boobs and that's one of the reasons he was attracted to you, what happens when you take them off in his presence? Have you had a little conversation beforehand? "By the way, honey...." Or do you just let him find out on his own? Scary. I thought about that one a lot when my mother bought me my first padded bra because she felt sorry for my flatchestedness.

Okay. Am I looking for a man? No. When I think about this question, I think "what would I do with one?" We could have fun doing things together. It would be lovely to have sex enter my life again. But then there's all the rest of it. Would he expect me to do things with him that he likes but I hate? Would he expect me to sew on buttons, pick up his socks, fix his meals, change the toilet paper rolls, like his dog, etc.? I barely can do those things for myself in the condition I'm in. He might not like what I like and then I'd have to limit myself on those things - if I didn't want to annoy him. I don't know. Would I want someone who wanted me because I looked 50 instead of 66? Very scary.

Being a crone is very confusing. More on this later.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

This is about getting to be enough - so I'll do this one more and then quit for now and come back to it later. You Don't Love Me and You Never Did is enough for an entire blog for several years!



Now this is so lofty that I hate to even write it down, but it's what has been taught to me in 12 step programs for the past 24 years: The only solution to this dilemma is unconditional love. And, of course, unconditional love would mean perfection which none of us is capable of. But, with the help of God it's possible to move in that direction at least. What I know for sure from my experience is that when I'm focused on loving unconditionally, I forget about the "you don't love me and you never did" dilemma. For some mysterious, incredibly lofty reason, trying to love takes care of my need for love. My best guess is that my effort opens the channel between me and God and God's love fills my need.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

On the other hand.... if they really are doing something that proves they couldn't possibly love you - what then? How do you know for sure? You could ask somebody but they will just be guessing. Aren't there some universal rules?


Everybody has rules about love. And everybody thinks his/her rules are the same as everybody else's and are absolutely right. So, if you break their rules or they break yours, then it means you don't love them or they don't love you, right? But what if their rules are totally different from yours? Well, then I guess we must straighten them out about what the right rules are! And the best way to do that is to yell and have a fit. Wait. Maybe that's not right.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

Maybe instead of jumping to the conclusion that they don't love us and they never did, we could just ask for what we want and mention that if they would do it (or not do it), it would make us feel loved. Who knows - they might just do it. The trouble is - at least for me - that I react so emotionally (to an extreme), that simply asking would require a whole lot of self restraint. When suddenly completely sure that the person I love and who I thought loved me, does something that I think proves he doesn't love me, it's pretty hard to be calm and make a request. It feels like I'm dying and must defend myself from death!

Reasoning with me doesn't usually help much although Ron used to sidle up to me and say, "Hey, remember me? I'm Ron. And I'm on your side." Sometimes that helped. But my insane mind sometimes told me he was just trying to pull the wool over my eyes because he didn't want me to know he didn't love me anymore.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

A long time ago when my dear friend, Brad, was still alive, I called him and he answered the phone in a terribly grumpy voice. I said that I didn't do anything so why was he mad at me? He said he was sorry - that he had been arguing with his mother. I asked what they were arguing about. "It started with the temperature to set the air conditioner on and ended with you don't love me and you never did," he explained. I've never forgotten that because it summed up every argument I ever had with someone I loved. It might sum up every argument anyone ever has with someone they love.

If you really loved me, you would set the air conditioner on the temperature I want.
If you really loved me, you would be on time.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I'm late.
If you really loved me, you would hug me when I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would not bug me to hug you.
If you really loved me, you would wear what I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would lose weight.
If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks.
If you really loved me, YOU would pick up MY socks.
If you really loved me, you would spend less money.
If you really loved me, you would spend more money (on me).
If you really loved me, you would have sex when I want to.
If you really loved me, you wouldn't talk to people of the opposite sex like that.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I don't want to have sex.
If you really loved me, you would put me before the kids.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I have to put the kids first.
If you really loved me, you would stop drinking, gambling, whatever.
If you really loved me, you would understand why I don't stop whatever and you would get off my back.

Flowers

When I was a kid one of the things I loved was my mother's habit of growing old-fashioned flowers in the summer. We had whole gardens of zinnias, marigolds (large and dwarf), salvia, petunias, snap dragons and others that I can't remember names for. Every few days she picked a huge bunch and arranged them in a turquoise glass bowl which sat on the dining room table. I thought we were very sophisticated for having those flowers on the table at dinner. I sometimes grew my own garden of flowers and picked some of them for the table.

When I stopped smoking more than 20 years ago, I was smoking about 5 packs a day, which cost around $150 a month. It would be a whole lot more now. I promised myself that I would never lack for expensive perfume or fresh flowers as long as I lived. If I could somehow find the money for cigarettes as broke as I was at the time, I could surely always find the money for things that smelled a whole lot better. I've kept the promise to have perfume I wanted, but only partially kept the fresh flowers promise. Sometimes I had them; sometimes I didn't. Usually I just bought something at the grocery store.

However, recently it occured to me that I could take a vase to my favorite florist (a little vase) and ask them to do an arrangement and pick it up later. Somehow having flowers all the time nourishes my soul. So I tried it and I love it as much as I thought I would. They always ask me what kind of flowers I want and how I want them arranged. I always tell them they're the ones with the talent, so they should use their best judgment. I get the most amazing bouquets for not very much money - around $25 a week which is a while lot less than I was spending on cigarettes 20 plus years ago!

Right now I have two amazing bouquets - one I got for $5.00 at the farmer's market. It's a huge bunch of zinnias (red ones mostly) and marigolds. The other one came from the florist. It's sunflowers, poppies (orange and purple), and various other ones that I'm unacquainted with - mostly maroon, plus of course, various other things that look like wild flowers. My soul is definitely nourished this week.

Outlook

My outlook seems to be sliding right smack into the negative. Most of what I've written lately seems to either be rants about stuff I see on CNN or complaints about grief and/or pain. The inside of my head seems to be deteriorating into sludge. Time for a change.

In actual fact (what a weird phrase), my life is good. I eat well, I sleep sort of well - at least better than I did when I was sleeping in the hospital bed. I have loads of fabulous friends. I have fun on a regular basis. I do miss my two guy friends that have moved away. But I still hear from them (thank you email) and get to see them from time to time. I have a great job even though I've had to go to part time due to my slowness to recover from the last surgery. I have enough money to get my hair done, my toes done and a massage every month. Two small closets are full of clothes that I think are fabulous (thank you Chico's for solving my dressing disorder). I have conscious contact with a higher power that comforts and directs me - the directions are always pretty much the same - take good care of yourself and work on loving the people in my life unconditionally. I have four great kids, four great grandkids. It's really hard to describe how great they are. I enjoy my relationship with each of them and they are so different. And, of course, there's Cisco the cat. He's a lover cat - talks to me, kisses me, cuddles me and teases me.

I love gratitude lists. This one isn't finished but it's enough for now.

Being a Woman

Guess what! I read an article in Psychology Today that cites recent research regarding why men judge women on the basis of their looks (plus what we need to look like to attract them). It was oddly comforting to know I'm not crazy when I've observed this stuff time and time again.

So, the article said that -in general - meaning not all men all the time but on the average - men are attracted to women with small waists, big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Now this obviously does not apply to gay people or people of color. Some of it could be extrapolated I guess but.... Anyway, according to the article, men are programmed by their biology to look for women who are healthy/fertile - which would also mean young. Women around menopause start collecting fat around their waists so a small waist means young/fertile. Big boobs sag more with age than little ones so it's easier to spot youth in women with big ones. Sick people's hair doesn't grow long - I can testify to this - my hair and nails didn't grow for months after the wreck. So, long hair - and the longer it is the better - means the healthier (thus more fertile) the woman is. Blonde hair usually darkens with age; therefore, the more blonde the hair, the younger (thus more fertile) the woman is. When a woman is attracted to someone, her pupils dilate and it's easier to see this in blue eyed women. Personality, brains - none of that counts at all with fertility.

According to the article, men are completely unconscious of their programming but the statistics bear out the over all pattern. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it), women who have boob jobs, liposuction, dye their hair blond and get hair extensions and wear blue contacts will attract more men even though it's all artificial. The guys aren't programmed to tell the difference between the real and artificial. I still think it's sad. The poor babies are chasing women who may or may not be suitable for long term companions/partners and those of us who don't fit the template get the leftovers.

The article also extrapolated the data to a whole lot of other things - like good looking people tend to have more girls, religions that tolerate polygamy tend to have more violent men, etc. But I was just interested in knowing why men seemed to be so ignorant when they chased women. Now I know. They can't help it, the poor babies. But being old, with a large waist, little boobs and dark hair - I am now officially out of luck!

Supreme Court Ruling

Okay, now I'm REALLY upset. Am I the only old person that remembers Brown vs. the Board of Education? I was a kid when the Supreme Court ordered schools integrated and it was NOT to "create diversity!" I don't think that was even discussed at the time. The truth was that the segregated schools were terrible. African American kids got horribly crappy education. In my town, the black kids went to a one room school and the teacher didn't even have an 8th grade education. When those kids came to our school due to the Supreme Court decision, they were so far behind it was totally pitiful.

Even as recently as when my kids were in school, the schools where the black kids went were falling down around their ears, they had fewer school books, etc. Of course, the kids weren't segregated by law then, they were segregated by residential patterns. But the schools were still lousy for the black kids. So, now the Supreme Court says race can't be the major factor in assigning kids to schools so the magnet schools are ended and the other desegregation efforts are ended. Well, we'll see how long it takes for the schools that are predominantly black to descend into crappy. I'm going to guess not very long based on how my city spends money to repair streets. The more black people there are in a neighborhood, the crappier the streets. Check it out.

zoo

Rebecca and I went to the zoo when it was raining off and on. A lot of the animals were asleep. A couple of male chimps were standing in the rain with their lower jaws jutting out, letting it rain in their mouths. I've done that myself when I was a kid.

The rhinos were awake too. They were cuddling. We'd never seen cuddling rhinos before. They lay side by side and rubbed their chins on each other. Then one got up, turned around, lay down again, pushed his butt firmly against the other one and heaved a big sigh of contentment.

The meerkats were up and looking curiously at us. They seem to have actual facial expression. All the birds were awake too.

I think other than the ones I've described that were awake, all the rest were asleep. A rainy afternoon looking at snoozing animals made me want to take a nap too so I had to do it as soon as I got home.

Losses

Some things I really miss:

Having somebody I love incredibly much around every day to hug and kiss. I kissed Ron on the top of his head every time I passed by him when he was sitting down. Now I just have to kiss the cat twice as much and he really likes it. Wherever Ron is, I think he knows half the cat's kisses are his.

Having somebody around every day that I know thinks I'm just about perfect. Not totally but almost. That feels really, really good - especially if it's somebody you love and whose opinion you respect! And especially if it's someone who knows you snore and cuss and are lazy and sometimes even mean and still thinks you're almost perfect.

Being a Woman

The best thing about being a woman is the built-in desire to love and nurture. I love that in myself and other women. Even though I'm basically kind of self-centered, I still have the instinct to nurture. I see that in some men, and it's lovable in them too. Most women seem to have it unless they are severely damaged psychologically.

The worst thing about being a woman is always being judged by my looks. I really don't have the words to describe how I hate it. I've noticed that when describing a woman, men always mention how she looks first. It's undoubtedly biological, and they can't help it, but it's sad anyway. I can't make up my mind whether - if I had known this was how it worked when I was 20 - I would have tried to really work on how I looked. For most of my life I assumed I was only decent looking and that nothing could be done about that, so I made no effort to improve how I looked. Now that I know, I wonder what would have happened if.....

Losses

Losing a loving partner is a bunch of losses - not just one. My dear friend Joanie told me after her husband died that when she was missing him terribly, she would just mentally list the things she hated about him and was glad to be rid of and was cured instantly of missing him. So some of the losses are of things I didn't like - hate is too strong a word - and remembering them does help a little, but I'm not instantly cured.

One of the losses that makes me feel better -

Worry - I don't worry about what the crisis is going to be next. Ron was a crisis junkie and had one every one or two weeks. Being severely co-dependent, I thought I should solve every one of them and just drove myself completely crazy. He lost things all the time - keys to things - I got a lot of calls from him when I was out of town asking me to come and give him the key to his office or his car or the house. He also lost expensive watches, fishing equipment and worst of all, his false teeth. There are still many, many sunglasses and reading glasses in the house and the garage because he lost them so many times he finally just bought 20 at a time.

The other kind of crises were the medical crises which were fairly constant the last 10 years of our marriage. He never wanted to go to the doctor, let alone the hospital or the emergency room. So, I spend a lot of co-dependent hours thinking up ways to get him to the doctor, the hospital or the emergency room. Once I called an ambulance and they made him go. Those were the worst because there was always a really good chance he was going to die.

Now that the worst has happened I don't have to be braced all the time. Of course, when I finally went to Alanon and got a sponsor and actually tried to free myself (and him) from my obsessive rescuing, things got a lot better. He never met my Alanon sponsor but he referred people to her. He said she was responsible for greatly improving his quality of life.

Rain

I guess it must just be terribly impractical or someone would have done it by now. But I would like to see someone try. Or at least talk about it.

We're getting too much rain in the middle part of the country and there are wild fires on both coasts from drought. If we can move oil by pipeline.... I guess there must not be any money in it - gathering excess rain and moving it to where it's needed. But if I knew how to build a pipeline and could get some other crazy people to go in with me...

Immigration

I am so confused. It's one of those times when the true motives of the decision-makers in government are out of my realm of thinking. Here's the way I'm thinking about illegal immigration from Mexico and it doesn't fit with what I hear on CNN:

Lots of people are coming to this country from Mexico. Some of them are drug runners, but that's another story. Most of them, though, are just poor people trying to get away from a hopeless situation. Here they get lousy pay, backbreaking work and live in substandard housing. But it's so much better than Mexico that they're willing to risk their lives and even their children's lives to come here.

For a long time now, businesses - large and small - have hired them because they work so cheap which increases the businesses' profits. It seems to me that's why people say they need these workers to take jobs Americans won't take. Well, of course we won't. None of us would want to live the way these folks have to live because we have other choices. We might very well do the jobs if they paid a living wage.

Now there's this big outcry about illegal immigration, and I can't really follow what the complaint is. Yes, it's illegal, but so are a lot of other things that no one cares about because they benefit people with power. Ostensibly it's because we might be letting terrorists in over the border but really.... I haven't heard one thing about Mexicans being terrorists. No one believes that.

Or it's because they aren't paying income taxes and their children are coming to school and using other services, etc. etc. Oh come on, there are thousands of wealthy people who aren't paying taxes, but if they were, our government could probably get out of debt. If all the illegals from Mexico paid taxes it would be a drop in the bucket against the national debt.

So, I don't get it. If we don't want these folks why don't we just help Mexico develop an economy that would employ them and give them the same substandard (by our standards) lives they could build here? Then they wouldn't come, right? It worries me that maybe all this hoo hah about illegal immigration is just so that we'll think something is being done and businesses can continue to hire them and maximize their profits.

Pain

I used to be equally afraid of physical pain and emotional pain. Both scared me to an extreme. I learned - I think from reading about natural childbirth - that a lot of the pain is caused by resisting it. Over time I learned to lean into physical pain; to focus on it; to really notice what kind of pain it was; whether it was hot or cold, sharp or dull, etc. And it seemed to diminish as I focused on it, or at least it became bearable. That skill has really come in handy in recovering from the injuries I got in the wreck. Now, there's a level of pain where I just scream and cry. Focusing on it is way, way beyond me. But below that level, I can accept it and just go on. I haven't had to take a lot of pain medication as a result, which I think has helped my healing.

But I'm still scared of emotional pain. That's one of the reasons I love the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Working them has relieved me of a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Some emotional pain is just inevitable though. Loss - especially of people we love - no way to escape hurting about that. But for some reason I continue to try to escape it all I can. Leaning into it, focusing on it - no way. I experience it when I just have to but otherwise... So, I think the escaping and resisting is partly what is making me so tired these days. Maybe I'll think about using the solution for physical pain on emotional pain. But... probably not right now. Later would be good....

Democracy

I had a really tough civics teacher. Her name was Mrs. Hisaw and she was incredibly mean. Every kid in her classes was terrorized including me. I heard somewhere that fear causes your memory to really go to work so that you can avoid the same situation in the future. So, of course, I vividly remember most of what I learned in 7th and 8th grade civics, thanks to terror and Mrs. Hisaw. Which in turn means that I have a deep understanding of the three branches of government, the difference between federal government and state government and how they work together, etc. etc.

Then a lot of years later when I became a foster parent of two babies with extremely severe disabilities, I got a nasty surprise. I decided to try to help them because I had the naive belief that there would be help - that there would be someone to tell me how to help them. It turns out there wasn't. In the end I got most of my help from other parents of kids with disabilities, and together we tried to create what our kids needed. We soon found out that our own resources were not enough, and we couldn't even raise enough money to create, for example, a school program for them. So, we turned to government because that's where other kids' schooling comes from. We had quite a fight over a number of years because no one thought our kids could benefit from school, but eventually we won. In that process, I learned a lot about democracy. It's supposed to respond to the needs of its citizens, and we eventually made enough of a ruckus that it did.

So, I'm really quite passionate about our system of government. It's slow; it's subject to corruption; it has many other flaws too. But because I've seen it work and really make a difference in people's lives, I'm deeply disturbed by what I see happening. I'm old enough to have watched a long process take place which began with the Vietnam war. Well, maybe it began farther back than that, but that's when I started paying attention. A large number of people thought our government had made a terrible mistake and fought to stop the war. Our government came after them. The FBI watched them, arrested them and harrassed them in many ways and what they were doing wasn't illegal. Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were assassinated. Then we had Nixon and Watergate, and it turns out he actually was a crook.

I think somewhere along the way the majority of people just decided our government was such a mess it wasn't worth bothering with. In later efforts to help parents of adults with disabilities find ways to meet their sons and daughters needs, I found that most of them did not want to bother talking to their government representatives. They had absolutely no faith that they would be heard. In recent years I've had similar experiences with trying to persuade people to communicate with government officials. I tell them - that's how democracy works. You elect people to represent you but they can't represent you if you don't tell them what you want. Falls on deaf ears.

This year I wrote my Congressman. I asked for something very straightforward. I asked him to tell me what his position was. He could have said he didn't agree with my request and explained why if that were the case. But he just didn't answer. I only received a reply after months of calls and faxes. He is an acquaintance of mine, and I think he's a good person. But he didn't respond until he was harrassed!

I'm beginning to think our government isn't a democracy any more - that it just runs to serve itself and the interests of campaign contributors. If that's true, it makes it even more important for me to stay on my soapbox and keep trying to persuade people to get involved in their democracy. I refuse to give up!

Happiness

I just finished reading "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, which is a serious study of what makes people happy. It seems there has been a lot of research into this topic. Unfortunately, none of us seem to be paying attention. What was delightful about this book was how funny it was - it was the first time I've read psychological research and laughed all through it. Here's a little excerpt from the part where he is explaining how our brains work and how poorly they help us predict how we will feel in the future:

" In the late 1960s, a Harvard psychology professor took LSD, resigned his appointment (with some encouragement from the administration), went to India, met a guru, and returned to write a popular book called BE HERE NOW, whose central message was succinctly captured by the injuction of its title. Now, why would anyone go all the way to India and spend his time, money, and brain cells just to learn how not to think about the future? Because, as anyone who has ever tried to learn meditation knows, not thinking about the future is much more challenging than being a psychology professor. Not to think about the future requires that we convince our frontal lobe not to do what it was designed to do... and it naturally resists this suggestion."

Gilbert says that we treat ourselves like our future children - guessing what will make us happy in the future and then trying to create that for ourselves. But we're doing a terrible job of guessing judging by the number of divorces, moves and job changes. It seems that in spite of our heroic efforts, we have no idea what will make us happy and our future selves suffer as a result.

As examples are the fairly well-known studies that show that more money only makes us happy up to about $50,000 a year. When people make less than that, extra money really improves their quality of life. But over $50,000 it doesn't really make any difference. In fact, in some cases people are more unhappy. But have you noticed that this fact doesn't keep people from striving and making enormous sacrifices to make more and more money and buy more and more stuff? His explanation is that we are programmed by society to do this because people who are focused on money and stuff don't run around making trouble - the lifestyle contributes to a stable society and good reproduction rates. He doesn't think there's any kind of a conspiracy - it just happens because it works.

Hmmm. I guess that means if we decide to opt out of the rat race and run around making trouble instead, we should keep it quiet. Oh wait, I've already been doing that for years.

So, Gilbert says the solution is to ask somebody who is currently experiencing what you're thinking about doing in the future what the experience is like. He points out that no one does this much. If you ask people whether they would rather use their imagination to decide what to do in the future or ask some one, they almost 100% say they would use their imaginations - because everyone thinks he/she is unique. But we aren't. But it's an ego thing. Now he strongly emphasizes that you shouldn't ask somebody who HAS experienced something in the past. He goes into great detail explaining that peoples' memories are very unreliable and they may tell you that law school was wonderful when they actually thought they were in hell at the time. So you should ask a current student.

A thought - there would be a lot of things you just couldn't find out about that way. I'm not sure whether someone would tell you whether a face lift was worth it right after they had the surgery. Also, I guess you wouldn't be able to find out whether someone was good in bed unless you asked right afterward and if he/she was already involved...well that just wouldn't work although I'm sure it's something most people would really want to know ahead of time.

Anyway, I loved this book. It's another "if we can put a man on the moon, why can't we...." thing. Looks like solid information about how to be happy would be a priority. But it doesn't appear to be and even the information we have is pretty much ignored.

Loneliness

I finally have to admit that I'm experiencing loneliness. For the first year and a half after Ron's death, I didn't really have that feeling. I missed him. There was a huge hole in my life and my heart. But I wasn't lonely. At first I thought it was because there were so many people around after the accident that I didn't have a chance to be lonely. But that wasn't it. After I began to spend a lot of time alone, I still wasn't lonely. I was surprised. But then at about a year and a half I began to feel really lonely. I poked around inside myself to see if I could discover why. What had shifted was the feeling that Ron was going to show up just any time. I knew from previous losses that that feeling was the usual way my psyche reacts. There's just part of me that's not ready to give up on some sort of miracle. As time passes, so does that feeling. Once my whole being accepted that Ron was gone, I finally felt truly alone and without a loving partner: lonely. Well, that's probably how I'm supposed to feel for now.

Faces and Beauty

I'm not sure why I've developed an interest in this. It seems frivolous on the one hand and important on the other. Why are some people considered beautiful and some aren't? Frivolous, of course, since there are a lot of other much more important things to be interested in. Important since scientific studies show that good looking people - especially REALLY good looking people are treated far better by others that even nice looking people. But what is good looking or beauty anyway. What makes Brad Pitt a heart stopper as well as Russell Crowe. Weird. Julia Roberts is beautiful but her nose is all wrong. Just about the time I started staring at faces trying to figure it out, I saw a program on tv that said a plastic surgeon had figured it out. The eyebrows have to be a certain distance from the eyes, the eyes have to be a certain distance apart, etc. etc. etc. But the thing is all three of the Playboy girls have identical bodies and features but one of them seems to me to be more beautiful than the others. What's that about?

The Weekend

Springtime in the Ozarks weekend. We were married there and went back every year to celebrate. Last year the weekend was very hard.

We looked forward to going for weeks ahead of time and never had an unhappy moment in Eureka Springs. Every year was different but every year was wonderful. To think that Ron and I would never do that again was heartbreaking.

This year a friend suggested that she spend the weekend with me and another friend joined her. It was one of the loveliest weekends I've ever had. Amazing blessings.

Goodbye Kurt

If Ron were here, we would have a ceremony to mark the passing of Kurt Vonnegut, one of the strongest links in the bond between us. Both of us were reluctant atheists when we first got together. Over time we came to believe in a force for good in the universe which we called God. But both of us continued to laugh while in anger and sorrow about the state of the world, and Kurt's characters continued to aid and abet us. In one of his stories there were twins - a boy and a girl. Together they were geniuses. When separated they were mentally retarded. Ron said he thought we were like that. I had to agree but I said I thought that meant we were seriously co-dependent. He said, well, I can't repeat what he said, but it meant he didn't care, he liked our relationship the way it was. Goodbye, Kurt. I may have a ceremony for you even without Ron's physical presence. It won't involve flowers, though, so don't worry.

The Cane

Yesterday was my first visit back to physical therapy since my last visit to the orthopedist. I've been looking forward to going since I knew Kathy would not just put me in a little room to do isometric exercises by myself. (A waste since I already do them at home). I knew she would help me figure out how to use the cane. I've tried but I could see immediately that I didn't know what I was doing.

Sure enough, I've been doing it totally wrong. The way that works is to use the hand opposite to my weak leg. That way I'm bearing weight on my left hand and right leg simultaneously - stability! Yay. So, now I just need lots of practice.

I'm actually kind of lazy. I've grown fond of the convenience of the wheelchair. It's fast, it's comfy (nothing hurts) and it gets me lots of help which I've become accustomed to. But it's time to move on or grow up or whatever.

Anniversaries

Sometime in April, sometime in the 70s, is the time the tornado came through southwest Missouri and killed my mother and grandmother. I can never remember the exact date, but I've noticed that in April, my body seems to know something happened then.

In 1986 on April 1st, Ron and I got our marriage license in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. We laughed because we said we could always claim we were just April fools. Ron insisted that he wanted to be married in a church with a real minister. I was amazed because he was totally anti organized religion. He told me he would haunt me if I had a religious funeral. So, I didn't. But he had to be married in a church. So, we were married on April 16 in the Presbyterian church in Eureka Springs, with my daughter, Liz and her husband, Fred and their son, Adam in attendance.

The poor minister did not know what to do with us. He told us he was worried about our ability to be married. He didn't say why. Ron was so terrified he was shaking. For many years I thought he was scared because of the risks of marrying me - which were many and high. In the end I realized he was more worried about whether he could step up to the plate and change the things his other wives had left him about. We got lucky. He changed quite a few things. A couple of the major ones he couldn't seem to change and he thought I was going to leave him. But I didn't. I was tougher than he thought and I loved him too much. Leaving him wouldn't have improved my quality of life one whit. We had way more joyful times than unhappy times.

Now there will be a new anniversary - the massacre at Virginia Tech. My grandson, Adam, will graduate from there in another year.

April is a sad and joyful month.

Virginia Tech

Another terribly sad event. I am so relieved that my grandson, Adam, is all right. I wish I had some words of wisdom to say over such a terrible thing but... It grieves me that some tortured soul thought the solution to his problems was to execute all the people he could before taking his own life. This isn't new in humans but the scale is new enough to pierce our hearts.

The Torture, Terror and Tyranny of the To Do List

Can't live with them; can't live without them. Without my to do lists I would be totally lost in my life and would forget important things and have to pay crumby consequences. But they keep me feeling anxious, miserable and less than at the same time. I have made lists, lists of lists, master lists, and lists of why I hate lists. In the beginning I felt better when I made lists - it felt like I had accomplished something. But right away I felt rebellious - as if someone else had imposed this list of chores and that I needed to protect myself. So, I'd go back to bed or the equivalent. Now I just make the lists and start trying to make myself do the stuff on the lists. I've tried rewards but I just reward myself before I've done anything. I love treats. I've tried accountability partners and that works the best but almost everybody I pick lets me off the hook. I must be bad at picking partners. So, then I feel guilty all the time.

Once I made a list of everything I thought was important to do and decided to work on it without interruption until it was done. I had to stay up about 36 hours straight to do it, but I finished the list. I decided being finished was not worth it. Another time I decided not to do another thing till I felt like it. I stayed in bed and read for days. Then one day I actually felt like doing something and got up. Then I just did what I felt like doing and got a lot accomplished. That lasted for several days/weeks and I thought I had found the answer. However, I decided I wanted to go back to school, enrolled and went. Assignments were absolutely necessary to complete when I wanted to or not, so my plan disintegrated.

I'm 65 years old and I don't want to die still being tyrannized by to do lists. My current plan is to make a list of ongoing priorities and work a little on them every day. I'm quite sure that changing this particular character defect will only happen with the help of God. But on my deathbed I'm sure I'm not going to be thinking about what I got accomplished from my lists. I'm probably going to be thinking about the people that I love so they will go at the top of my list!

Greed

The Bible says that the root of all evil is the love of money, which would make greed the most dangerous of the seven deadly sins. But what about pride/ego? That seems to be even more dangerous because it leads to playing God. Maybe pride/ego causes greed. Greed, from my observations, can serve a lot of purposes - sometimes people want to accumulate more and more stuff to make themselves feel financially secure. The thing is, it never works. It always seems like there needs to be just a little bit more even when there's a whole lot. Fear of not having enough seems to persist. Pride/ego can cause people to want more and more so that they will be envied by others. Again, the thing is, does being envied actually improve quality of life? I'm just seeing a lot of greed around me these days. How much is enough?

Coming back

It's time to get back to this. A posting every few months is no good.

The last visit to the doctor was mostly good news. I can't just take off walking like I thought he might let me do but I can use the cane as much as I can tolerate it. When I go back in a couple of months, he will look again at my knee. If the healing is complete with the femur, he'll consider going ahead with the knee surgery.

I called about the writers' meeting on Wednesdays. For me to really get to work with finishing some of the essays I've started, I'm going to have to have a lot of support. My evil brain thinks of many, many other things to do that distract me and keep me from working.

Why don't we know?

I'm worried. I'm a news junkie so I'm sure I didn't miss it. Why don't we know from the media what is motivating the right wing Muslims to fight so hard? I hear plenty of guesses and I have some of my own. Maybe some of the guesses are right. But I've heard nothing about someone trying to truly understand what is causing the violence. People fight to the death for a reason - and it's usually not because they hate freedom or because they are sure they're going to heaven. How in the world will it ever be settled unless there's an understanding of motivation?

It seems to me that most of the fights in the world are about greed - more territory, more resources, etc. But this one seems to be different.