Crone

I believe "crone" is the correct word for the stage of life I'm in. I'm certainly not a child. I'm not in my childbearing years. I'm not even postmenopausal since that happened about 20 years ago. Being a crone wasn't on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. I've been in this stage of life for over 6 years (since age 60), and I can't figure out what to do with it.

In this culture I think what I'm supposed to do is pretend I'm around 45 or 50 and get a lot of skin treatments, maybe even plastic surgery, liposuction, and hair dye. I do have the hair dye and I've given a few hours of thought to those other things. But since I'm limited on funds I have to ask myself, "what would I actually gain if I looked 15 years younger?" "Would it be worth the investment in $ and time and pain?" So....I guess that when I looked in the mirror I would see a younger-looking person. So what? Would I feel better about myself? Why? I know I'm 66. Looking younger wouldn't make me feel different. Or at least I don't think so. So... the change must be for other people. So... what if people thought I was 50? Well, that would only be people who don't know me because people who know me know I'm 66. I guess that looking 50 might be a good thing if I was looking for a job. But I already have a job.

Or, of course, there's the obvious: MEN would find me more attractive. Or they would until I took off my clothes or got under a bright light. It's kind of like wearing what we used to call "falsies." If a guy thinks you have big boobs and that's one of the reasons he was attracted to you, what happens when you take them off in his presence? Have you had a little conversation beforehand? "By the way, honey...." Or do you just let him find out on his own? Scary. I thought about that one a lot when my mother bought me my first padded bra because she felt sorry for my flatchestedness.

Okay. Am I looking for a man? No. When I think about this question, I think "what would I do with one?" We could have fun doing things together. It would be lovely to have sex enter my life again. But then there's all the rest of it. Would he expect me to do things with him that he likes but I hate? Would he expect me to sew on buttons, pick up his socks, fix his meals, change the toilet paper rolls, like his dog, etc.? I barely can do those things for myself in the condition I'm in. He might not like what I like and then I'd have to limit myself on those things - if I didn't want to annoy him. I don't know. Would I want someone who wanted me because I looked 50 instead of 66? Very scary.

Being a crone is very confusing. More on this later.