Sunday, June 10, 2007


I used to be equally afraid of physical pain and emotional pain. Both scared me to an extreme. I learned - I think from reading about natural childbirth - that a lot of the pain is caused by resisting it. Over time I learned to lean into physical pain; to focus on it; to really notice what kind of pain it was; whether it was hot or cold, sharp or dull, etc. And it seemed to diminish as I focused on it, or at least it became bearable. That skill has really come in handy in recovering from the injuries I got in the wreck. Now, there's a level of pain where I just scream and cry. Focusing on it is way, way beyond me. But below that level, I can accept it and just go on. I haven't had to take a lot of pain medication as a result, which I think has helped my healing.

But I'm still scared of emotional pain. That's one of the reasons I love the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Working them has relieved me of a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Some emotional pain is just inevitable though. Loss - especially of people we love - no way to escape hurting about that. But for some reason I continue to try to escape it all I can. Leaning into it, focusing on it - no way. I experience it when I just have to but otherwise... So, I think the escaping and resisting is partly what is making me so tired these days. Maybe I'll think about using the solution for physical pain on emotional pain. But... probably not right now. Later would be good....

1 comment:

Adam said...

I love you, Grandma!

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