Judgement

A very long time ago, in the first year of my recovery, someone told me about the Course in Miracles. I studied it for about a year and attended a class. I'm not going to tell you that the Course was totally wonderful because I didn't understand the bulk of it, and I had a healthy scepticism about the whole thing. But one thing stuck with me, and I relearn it over and over again.

Basically, the course says that the source of most of our emotional pain comes from our judgements of ourselves, circumstances, and other people. It says that our judgmentalness comes from our egos. We think we know what other people really mean, what their motivations are, etc. And since we are not Gods, we actually have no idea what is really true, but we act on our judgments and cause havoc for ourselves and other people.

I'm usually reminded of this concept when I'm being judged by someone else and I'm sure I'm innocent. I've had this happen several times in my life and it caused me no end of grief. As time has passed, I've begun to realize that I've spent a good deal of time in my life assuming I knew all kinds of things I didn't know and acting on those assumptions. The Course in Miracles says that we should assume that everyone is innocent; including ourselves and that any bad behavior be interpreted as the person acting out fear and needing love. That new assumption will certainly take the rest of my life to integrate, but I would be willing to bet would pay off in a lot of peace as well as a lot of extra time saved when I can do something else besides judge!

365 Project

Dancers at the 50th Reunion edited by Picasa!

365 Project

A portion of the courthouse mural in Neosho. Participants at the 50th high school reunion had a tour of Neosho which included several murals. This is the Big Spring Inn which burned several years ago. But I have happy memories of eating there. You could catch a trout in the spring and have it for dinner.

Dancers at the 50th reunion. I was able to dance a little - yay! See above how Picasa fixed this too dark picture!

This string of tv's inside the front door of Sam's reminds me of a chorus line.

Kristin and Minky ignoring each other at his 38th birthday party. I hope Kristin is old enough to understand him. Right now she seems to just accept him the way he is without questions.

Here's Bridget at her adopted brother's 38th birthday party. She was having a great time!

This one isn't as clear as I would have liked. The object on the right is one of my new coasters with butterflies on them. Dee brought them to me and they are beautiful.

We had an amazing rain storm. I've discovered that it's hard to take pictures of rain!

My former boss, my former staff member and myself at my former staff member's retirement party. It was good to see everyone.

Off we go

In an hour or so I will be on the road to Neosho, Missouri, for my 50th high school reunion. I never was crazy about high school since I was still a miserable person then, but I eventually went to a reunion - I think it was the 25th. It seems as if every time I go I reconnect with friends that I haven't seen since then. It turns out they are just as wonderful now as they were then. So, I'm really looking forward to being there.

Change Update

"Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better." ~Samuel Johnson

"Inconvenience?!!!" Now there's an understatement! At least it is for me. I just revised my to-do/goal list. It takes me such a long time to wake up. I just realized that I've been trying to make changes in order to have more serenity, but the list was of the wrong stuff. I'm changing it to all the things that have been on my to-do list for more than 10 years. I would be willing to bet that I will have a lot more serenity when I've checked those things off the list! I know, I know. Who would have things on their to-do lists for more than 10 years? Besides me, that is. I have no idea. But you have to give me credit for persistence. Never, never, ever give up!!!

Physically I am gradually improving with the new therapy I've been doing. I'm sleeping better and more restfully. I have just a little more energy and so have been able to make more progress with the projects I've dreamed up for myself. One of the new things I've done has loosened up the scar tissue in my injured leg so that I have much more ability to use the muscles. Yay for that. When I include the new ability I have to keep my back in alignment as long as I do daily exercises, I feel close to completely healed. That fact gives me a lot more than some serenity!

365 Project

This is my new roommate who came with Dee. We're rooming together while Dee's house is being remodeled.

Another resting-up-day picture. This is the metal sun that hangs on the wall in my kitchen. When I sit at my kitchen table I face it and am reminded of the light.

This was taken on one of my resting-up-days when my nose didn't even poke outside. When killing time before a 5th night at Utica Square, my friend, Karen, and I visited Pier I. I saw these butterflies made from feathers and had to have some. I had no idea what to do with them. So Eric put some on my tree (not a Christmas tree until December).

I love having some kind of flowers in my yard that I can enjoy in the house too. Otherwise I spend money and bring them home from the store. This is my friend, Kristi, and her beau at the dinner to celebrate her 40th birthday. I don't think she is going to become stodgy and old anytime soon.

Dee on the roof where we had lunch. It was great to be outside!

Tulsa skyline from the roof of the Mexican restaurant where Dee and I had lunch on Sunday.

Sitting Still

"All human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room."
~ Blaise Pascal

What in the world do you suppose that means? Right now I think for me it means that sitting still gives me rest and opportunity to think. I rested, then I ran around very fast catching up on my to-do list. Then I had to rest again. I think I will make a better decision today!

Resting

"Quietness is a great ally..." ~One Day at a Time

I resist rest. It seems to me that I've always been behind on what I should be doing, and that if I'm resting I shouldn't be. However, the truth of my experience for the past four years is that resting takes up a great deal of my time since my body seems to insist on it. As a result of the Heart to Heart retreat, I've been resting for three days. It can be a good thing. The quiet allows me to get perspective on what I want to do when I'm rested. I'm reminded of my purpose. As best I can, I try to be grateful for the need to rest.

365 Project

After the meeting is over, we write on the balloons a character defect, person, situation we want to give to God or a message we want to send to a loved one who has gone on. Then we let the balloons go with their messages.

On Sunday morning the meeting room is filled with balloons. The next picture will show what happens.

The tables are set for the Saturday night dinner at Heart to Heart.

The beautiful view from the top of the hill where the Heart to Heart campground sits.

Three Tulsa women (me, Laurie and Liz) plus Artis the smarta.... who used to be from Tulsa waiting for the Cinderella Ball on Saturday night at Heart to Heart.

Our charming communal bathroom in the dormitory at Heart to Heart.

The fire in which I burned my "stinking thinking" at Heart to Heart!

On the way out of town to Heart to Heart, we took a tour of some Tulsa archtecture. I think it is art deco.

We're ready for the voters. Where are they?

My co-worker on election day babysitting while parents vote.

Worked the election - primary for mayor and city council. A whole lot fewer voters than in November.

Dinner with Kristin (and Lynn) at Marie Callendars. We colored while we waited for food.

Elections

Yesterday I worked the primary election for Tulsa mayor and city council. The last time I worked was the November election which was like a very large excited party with over 1,000 guests. The time went fast. There was, of course, not as much interest in this election, and there were about 200 plus voters. With Tulsa streets as bad as they are, I thought there might be more interest. I got a little sleepy waiting for people to show up. I also - for some unknown reason - felt uneasy in the company of my co-workers. Whatever. I still enjoyed it. I love Democracy.

"We can learn to believe that we are doing any task as well as we need to do it, at this time. Our job is the effort. The outcome is part of a larger plan, one that involves more than ourselves." ~ Each Day a New Beginning

365 Project

I'm not sure how I'm going to label this week's pictures. Blogspot arranges them differently than I intended. So... there's a picture of the entrance to the church where my home group meets. When I walk up that long walk, my troubles start to fall off my shoulders and hope begins to settle in. There's a picture of my front porch swing that I will be sitting on now that it's cooler in the morning. Next is an image of the wall of the Goodwill Industries building that faces the Sonic Drivein where I got a burger. The wall is concrete block so I don't know how they got that cool pattern. Next is my new book holder holding the latest issue of Psychology Today. Since I eat alone a lot, I read and the book holder allows me to read hands free. I ate dinner with my friend, Karen, at my favorite place - Ri Le's. I don't think I realized the walls were pink until I downloaded this picture. Then there's the woman talking on the phone in front of the mall. I just thought she looked cool standing there. Not an exciting week and a few weird/boring pictures. But - never, never, ever give up!!!

Friends

"Surrounded by so many ....friends, the so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone." Bill W.

For a large part of my life I was lonely - even when I was with people. There were a lot of reasons for that - mostly that I felt unworthy. But once I was in recovery and began my relationship with a Higher Power, I found that one of the miracles was that I no longer felt lonely - even when I was alone for long period of time. It was one of the promises made to me in the first few days of recovery - you don't have to be alone any more.

As Ron's health problems grew worse, I began to live again with the fear of being alone. I felt I had found the right person to be with and it looked as if he wasn't going to be sticking around. I managed to frighten myself badly. I really wasn't sure I could make it on my own.

Another one of the gifts of recovery has been an amazing growth in my intuition. When I woke up in the hospital after that horrible wreck, I saw a room full of friends. I knew I was not alone and that I would be all right. I also knew that Ron was not going to be all right but that it was time for him to leave the earth. It hurt badly but I knew I would be all right.

This is the weekend anniversary of the wreck (on Monday). I have a certain amount of dread of anniversaries. I have a tendency to relive the event. The way it has worked out is that I've had company for part of today - a friend from my recovery program and a friend of his. I look forward to the rest of the weekend and whatever it brings. I am not lonely.

Serenity Experiment Update

"I will close my mind to what I hear and see when it tempts me to quarrel or resent." One Day at a Time in Alanon.

The not resenting thing is going well. Also, the not quarreling part. But the disciplined life part is improved rather than perfect. It may be that I will have to accept my limitations before serenity arrives. My bed is made most days. My house is usually in order. I'm usually dressed before noon. My meditation practice is coming along. I just wish I was consistent. But I am powerless over my character defects and need the help of God to change. Does that mean if I'm still not perfect, it's God's fault? I wish. But no. So, back to my mantra - never, never, ever give up!!