It's been a long time since I've written a letter to an elected official. I live in a state where all the elected officials think entirely differently than I do, so I've told myself there's no use in communicating.
However, a recent news item changed my mind. The more I think about it, it's my duty as a citizen to speak up even if I think they will disagree.
After the Moore, Oklahoma, tornado one of our senators was interviewed about the possibility of having safe rooms built in schools. He said safe rooms can collapse.
This worried me. So I researched it. It seems there's a project run by the University of Texas that tests safe rooms and checks on safe rooms after tornados. They checked all the safe rooms in Moore and none of them collapsed.
So I'm going to write my senator and ask him if he will also check the truth of his statement and if he finds he was incorrect, make a public statement to that effect.
His earlier statement might have stopped people from building safe rooms. He is seen as an authority and people will believe him. So I think he owes it to his constituents to be accurate and I'm going to encourage him to do so.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Reading Has Saved My Life
Amazon.com has read my mind. I get emails every few days, letting me know about books I might want to read based on what I've purchased in the past. They are almost always right. I have a stack of books almost as tall as I am that I haven't read yet. I am excited.
Most of them are very serious stuff - about health and spirituality. A few of these new ones are novels - humorous science fiction. I realize I am a bit odd to still be reading everything I can find on how to improve my life, but since I've learned things in the past that have literally saved my life, I probably will never quit.
Most of them are very serious stuff - about health and spirituality. A few of these new ones are novels - humorous science fiction. I realize I am a bit odd to still be reading everything I can find on how to improve my life, but since I've learned things in the past that have literally saved my life, I probably will never quit.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Making New Memories
It seems so strange to me how my mind wants to be so passive. Maybe it's the character defect of sloth. I made no plans for my birthday (I'm 72 today) and in my mind I was just going to act like it was just another day.
Well, what I really believe is that there's no such thing as just another day. It's up to me to make every day count and what's a better day than my birthday to do that?
Too bad it was almost noon before I caught on! But it's never too late. So, I'm going to go to a meeting in a few minutes (and another one tonight), get a massage and read a little bit in all the new books I've accumulated. I might also go over to the Woodward Park rose garden and see how the roses are doing!
Well, what I really believe is that there's no such thing as just another day. It's up to me to make every day count and what's a better day than my birthday to do that?
Too bad it was almost noon before I caught on! But it's never too late. So, I'm going to go to a meeting in a few minutes (and another one tonight), get a massage and read a little bit in all the new books I've accumulated. I might also go over to the Woodward Park rose garden and see how the roses are doing!
Saturday, June 08, 2013
1964
I think it was 1964. I had a baby and a two year old. It was early in the morning and I wasn't all the way awake. I had just changed the baby's poopy diaper and went into the bathroom to rinse it out (no disposable diapers in that time). I saw that my two year old and done a nice poop in the potty chair.
This presented me with a dilemma - the toilet would only flush once and then you had to wait for the tank to fill up. So, I thought about the best way to go about this and decided to rinse the diaper first, not flush and then dump the potty. I was thrilled that I had figured out the most efficient way of taking care of this chore.
Then I thought to myself that it was pretty weird that a smart gal like me had no better use for her mind than figuring out the most efficient way to dispose of poop. I laughed to myself.
Later in the 60s when I read Betty Friedan's, The Feminine Mystique, about how motherhood and housewifeing might be too little for all women to spend their lives doing - that all humans had a contribution to make and it surely must be possible for women to be good mothers, homemakers, and still contribute other things to the world, I remembered that morning when I was thrilled about efficiently disposing of poop and understood what Betty meant.
This presented me with a dilemma - the toilet would only flush once and then you had to wait for the tank to fill up. So, I thought about the best way to go about this and decided to rinse the diaper first, not flush and then dump the potty. I was thrilled that I had figured out the most efficient way of taking care of this chore.
Then I thought to myself that it was pretty weird that a smart gal like me had no better use for her mind than figuring out the most efficient way to dispose of poop. I laughed to myself.
Later in the 60s when I read Betty Friedan's, The Feminine Mystique, about how motherhood and housewifeing might be too little for all women to spend their lives doing - that all humans had a contribution to make and it surely must be possible for women to be good mothers, homemakers, and still contribute other things to the world, I remembered that morning when I was thrilled about efficiently disposing of poop and understood what Betty meant.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Visitors
I love company. I love solitude. In the past week I've had both. First my daughter and her oldest son and his wife were here, and we took a tour of local restaurants. We also went to the Farmer's Market and Whole Foods. Since my dear grandson and his dear wife are "foodies," we had fun. AND as nearly as I can tell, I'm not any larger.
Then my dearest friend, Eric, was here and our first order of business was to eat at our favorite restaurants.
My treasured departed husband introduced me to the concept of food as entertainment. I guess before that I thought that it was a good thing to like what you ate but it never occurred to me to raise food to the level of entertainment. Of course, in my case, there's a downside. I'm larger than I need to be!
Then my dearest friend, Eric, was here and our first order of business was to eat at our favorite restaurants.
My treasured departed husband introduced me to the concept of food as entertainment. I guess before that I thought that it was a good thing to like what you ate but it never occurred to me to raise food to the level of entertainment. Of course, in my case, there's a downside. I'm larger than I need to be!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
How to Never, Ever be Bored
The last time I was bored I was about four years old and in church with my parents. There was not one single thing for a four year old to do. Soon after that my mother taught me to read and I've never been bored since.
So my first recommendation for never, ever being bored would be to read. If you don't like to read, it's probably because you've not read anything you liked. If you actually have trouble reading, get audio books. Libraries are full of them!
I suggest you secrete reading materials in your pockets, your car, your briefcase, purse or whatever. You never know when you'll have an extra minute with nothing to do. Never let it go to waste just sitting and listening to your thoughts.
Speaking of thoughts - if you're tired of reading and/or didn't bring any reading material with you, organize your thoughts. Why let boring repetitive thinking go unchecked. Think up interesting and new things to do on holidays, new and interesting things to do on weekends. Make mental lists of people you know that could use a blessing of some kind - babysitting, hedge trimming, flowers, a basket of fruit, etc. Those are just to get started with. Once you get in the swing of thinking creatively you won't be able to stop. And you will never, ever be bored.
So my first recommendation for never, ever being bored would be to read. If you don't like to read, it's probably because you've not read anything you liked. If you actually have trouble reading, get audio books. Libraries are full of them!
I suggest you secrete reading materials in your pockets, your car, your briefcase, purse or whatever. You never know when you'll have an extra minute with nothing to do. Never let it go to waste just sitting and listening to your thoughts.
Speaking of thoughts - if you're tired of reading and/or didn't bring any reading material with you, organize your thoughts. Why let boring repetitive thinking go unchecked. Think up interesting and new things to do on holidays, new and interesting things to do on weekends. Make mental lists of people you know that could use a blessing of some kind - babysitting, hedge trimming, flowers, a basket of fruit, etc. Those are just to get started with. Once you get in the swing of thinking creatively you won't be able to stop. And you will never, ever be bored.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
A Gift of Recovery for Mother's Day
A couple of my friends were disappointed with what their children did for Mother's Day. It occurred to me that I have never been disappointed on Mother's Day, Christmas or my birthday or any other day since my early days in recovery.
I don't really remember how this happened - probably my dear first sponsor taught me - but I decided to have no expectations of anybody. The saying is, "Expectations are premeditated resentments (or disappointments)." For one thing I think our consumer culture puts pressure on us to outdo ourselves for the people in our lives on these holidays. If you don't conform, they tell you you are communicating a lack of love. Crap!
So if I have no expectations, anything that happens is wonderful.
My mother, on the other hand, was fixated on being critical of everybody's efforts to show their love for her on those "special " days. She griped all the time. Nothing was ever good enough and she let you know if incessantly. The result was that I disliked her more and more. If you want to get people to dislike you, accuse them of not treating you right.
I think holidays should be spent in enjoyment that I create for myself. If someone else shows up, that's great.
For whatever reason, somehow the thought came to me this year that Mother's Day would be a good day to find ways to mother mothers and to reach out to all the children in the world that don't have what they need. Cards, flowers, eating out - that's all fine. But mothers need support all year round. Plus we have a world where there are millions of children that don't even have enough to eat. What better way to celebrate than to contribute to solutions.
I don't really remember how this happened - probably my dear first sponsor taught me - but I decided to have no expectations of anybody. The saying is, "Expectations are premeditated resentments (or disappointments)." For one thing I think our consumer culture puts pressure on us to outdo ourselves for the people in our lives on these holidays. If you don't conform, they tell you you are communicating a lack of love. Crap!
So if I have no expectations, anything that happens is wonderful.
My mother, on the other hand, was fixated on being critical of everybody's efforts to show their love for her on those "special " days. She griped all the time. Nothing was ever good enough and she let you know if incessantly. The result was that I disliked her more and more. If you want to get people to dislike you, accuse them of not treating you right.
I think holidays should be spent in enjoyment that I create for myself. If someone else shows up, that's great.
For whatever reason, somehow the thought came to me this year that Mother's Day would be a good day to find ways to mother mothers and to reach out to all the children in the world that don't have what they need. Cards, flowers, eating out - that's all fine. But mothers need support all year round. Plus we have a world where there are millions of children that don't even have enough to eat. What better way to celebrate than to contribute to solutions.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Mixed Feelings on Mother's Day
Anne Lamott wrote an article titled, "Why I Hate Mother's Day" on Salon.com. I thought about my own mixed feelings about Mother's Day when I read it. Anne thinks it singles out mothers as some sort of super heroes which some deserve and a lot more don't. She doesn't like it. I don't either but I wouldn't say I hate Mother's Day even though I realize it was probably invented to sell greeting cards, flowers and restaurant meals.
I've given birth to three children, only one of which is still on the earth. The other two died at early ages in confusing, tragic circumstances. I will always feel guilty and sad that I wasn't able to fulfill the most basic of motherly duties - keeping my children alive. I really don't know if I had done something differently that they would have lived, so I just live with a certain amount of guilt. It's always food for thought on mother's day. I miss them both every day but especially on mother's day.
My two youngest are very disabled. I had no idea when they came into our family through the foster care system that it would have such a negative impact on our family. Once they were with us, they had nowhere else to go. They are adults now and, for the most part, have the care they need. But I will always be sad for the hardship for us all.
I know there are many, many other mothers with mixed feelings on mother's day. There are all kinds of reasons - some similar to mine, some different, but the mother's day cards don't address those situations.
On the bright side, I have two fabulous adult daughters and four beautiful grandchildren who give me great delight on mother's day. I focus always on them and the joy they are in my life.
I've given birth to three children, only one of which is still on the earth. The other two died at early ages in confusing, tragic circumstances. I will always feel guilty and sad that I wasn't able to fulfill the most basic of motherly duties - keeping my children alive. I really don't know if I had done something differently that they would have lived, so I just live with a certain amount of guilt. It's always food for thought on mother's day. I miss them both every day but especially on mother's day.
My two youngest are very disabled. I had no idea when they came into our family through the foster care system that it would have such a negative impact on our family. Once they were with us, they had nowhere else to go. They are adults now and, for the most part, have the care they need. But I will always be sad for the hardship for us all.
I know there are many, many other mothers with mixed feelings on mother's day. There are all kinds of reasons - some similar to mine, some different, but the mother's day cards don't address those situations.
On the bright side, I have two fabulous adult daughters and four beautiful grandchildren who give me great delight on mother's day. I focus always on them and the joy they are in my life.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Neighborhood Party
I finally made it to a neighborhood party. They have one about every year but I am shy and stay home. Today I went for about half an hour and did my best to socialize. I found out that my neighbor across the street that was married to one of Ron's professors at the University of Tulsa, and whose second husband was killed in an accident in 2004 is getting married next year. Hot neighborhood gossip.
Every time they have one of these parties, I sneer at it and think how much better I could do. This year I said nothing. They were over the top. They had a mobile Italian restaurant, music, a drawing for a prize (I don't know what it was), and were handing out a flyer with information about suspicious characters they had seen in the neighborhood since most of the people at the party were part of the neighborhood watch. There were two giant friendly dogs in attendance.
I met my next door neighbor again who landscaped his yard elaborately when he moved in a couple of years ago. I hate him and I always tell him. He claims he gets all the trees and plants from his father-in-law who re-does his yard every year. I said I was more in need than he was then. He said his father in law had offered him a Japanese maple. I've longed for a Japanese maple ever since I saw one but they are so expensive. So he says he will bring me one. Hope he really does.
A good day all around.
Every time they have one of these parties, I sneer at it and think how much better I could do. This year I said nothing. They were over the top. They had a mobile Italian restaurant, music, a drawing for a prize (I don't know what it was), and were handing out a flyer with information about suspicious characters they had seen in the neighborhood since most of the people at the party were part of the neighborhood watch. There were two giant friendly dogs in attendance.
I met my next door neighbor again who landscaped his yard elaborately when he moved in a couple of years ago. I hate him and I always tell him. He claims he gets all the trees and plants from his father-in-law who re-does his yard every year. I said I was more in need than he was then. He said his father in law had offered him a Japanese maple. I've longed for a Japanese maple ever since I saw one but they are so expensive. So he says he will bring me one. Hope he really does.
A good day all around.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Habits
Just finished reading a book called, "The Power of Habit." It's a best seller and goes nicely with my constant reading of the blog called, "Zen Habits."
A very long time ago I realized that I was terrible at making changes in my habits and that it caused me a lot of trouble. So I'm in the middle of researching what scientific research is learning as well as what Leo of Zen Habits has learned and tried out on himself.
I've been working at this for several weeks. One of the habit changes is exercise and I've done okay with that. Not to the extent that I could say I've established a habit, but enough to have experienced some benefits.
I feel better. I have a tiny bit more energy. I'm hoping that my lower back pain will go away like it did when I was in physical therapy.
Of course, the trick is to keep at it. I have five priorities - things to do every morning. I'm working at managing to do all of them the majority of the time. I'm not even half way there yet, but I have achieved an average of three times a week. Not too bad.
It's making a big difference in my self-esteem and in my mood as well as creating a higher level of peace.
A very long time ago I realized that I was terrible at making changes in my habits and that it caused me a lot of trouble. So I'm in the middle of researching what scientific research is learning as well as what Leo of Zen Habits has learned and tried out on himself.
I've been working at this for several weeks. One of the habit changes is exercise and I've done okay with that. Not to the extent that I could say I've established a habit, but enough to have experienced some benefits.
I feel better. I have a tiny bit more energy. I'm hoping that my lower back pain will go away like it did when I was in physical therapy.
Of course, the trick is to keep at it. I have five priorities - things to do every morning. I'm working at managing to do all of them the majority of the time. I'm not even half way there yet, but I have achieved an average of three times a week. Not too bad.
It's making a big difference in my self-esteem and in my mood as well as creating a higher level of peace.
Monday, April 29, 2013
I Wish I Had that Piece of My Mind Back Now
I wish I had that
piece of my mind
back now.
They didn't want it
anyway.
And now I just
feel foolish.
No wonder
with such a big
piece of my mind
missing.
piece of my mind
back now.
They didn't want it
anyway.
And now I just
feel foolish.
No wonder
with such a big
piece of my mind
missing.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Two Ding-a-Lings Don't Make a Bell!
Not only do two Ding-a-Lings not make a bell; a rooster and a hen don't make a farm. I heard these sayings in a meeting the other night. They are funny, easy to remember and most of all, TRUE! I love it. So here's another thing that it's really, really a bad idea to do in relationships: go into a relationship with all your issues unresolved.
In trying to remember what I thought about my problems that I knew I had going into relationships, I am a little stumped because I didn't really think about it at all. I don't remember that I was ever taught or even heard that it would be a great idea to think about my issues and how they might affect the other person and the relationship as a whole. I guess I thought it was the other person's job to be understanding and to put up with me. It most certainly did not occur to me that the other person could have issues and that I would be called on to understand and put up with them. Needless to say, that mind set did not work well at all.
It's been my observation of myself and others that there are issues that really have a big negative impact on relationships. For example, I was a very fearful person and as soon as I was in a relationship a lot of my fears got transferred to the person I was with. I was defensive, irritable, and suspicious. I've noticed that I was not alone in this - that many people seem to have this problem. Another example: I was emotionally immature and thought that the other person was supposed to somehow be my unconditionally loving parent. Oh boy! That does not work!
So, what to do? Well, the only thing I know that will work is to get help to resolve fears and to grow up emotionally so that we can stand on our own two feet and be a contributing, loving member of a relationship. Help comes in all sorts of ways - a good, professional counselor that will help us see ourselves in new ways, a program of spiritual growth that gives us trust in a power greater than ourselves so that we can stop trying to make other people our parents, and information about how to treat other people.
In trying to remember what I thought about my problems that I knew I had going into relationships, I am a little stumped because I didn't really think about it at all. I don't remember that I was ever taught or even heard that it would be a great idea to think about my issues and how they might affect the other person and the relationship as a whole. I guess I thought it was the other person's job to be understanding and to put up with me. It most certainly did not occur to me that the other person could have issues and that I would be called on to understand and put up with them. Needless to say, that mind set did not work well at all.
It's been my observation of myself and others that there are issues that really have a big negative impact on relationships. For example, I was a very fearful person and as soon as I was in a relationship a lot of my fears got transferred to the person I was with. I was defensive, irritable, and suspicious. I've noticed that I was not alone in this - that many people seem to have this problem. Another example: I was emotionally immature and thought that the other person was supposed to somehow be my unconditionally loving parent. Oh boy! That does not work!
So, what to do? Well, the only thing I know that will work is to get help to resolve fears and to grow up emotionally so that we can stand on our own two feet and be a contributing, loving member of a relationship. Help comes in all sorts of ways - a good, professional counselor that will help us see ourselves in new ways, a program of spiritual growth that gives us trust in a power greater than ourselves so that we can stop trying to make other people our parents, and information about how to treat other people.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Becoming More Myself
I just realized today that my studies and my spiritual practices are coalescing into a pattern. This happens all the time, but I'm always surprised! I'm not sure how many years I've been "studying" now. It's probably around 30 years. I've always been a reader from the time I was a little kid. Since my parents were big readers, I just accepted massive amounts of reading as the normal pastime.
In the beginning I just read whatever seemed interesting and entertaining at the time. After I came into recovery I began to notice that my reading gravitated, without my conscious thought, to whatever I seemed to need at the time. When I came across something that really spoke to me, I read it several times and took notes - which is why I call it "studying."
For a long time I read mostly about practical things like money and time management. I had sooo much trouble with those things and needed education badly. I probably read hundreds of books on organization, money and time management, how to clean a house, how to be a good, efficient cook, nutrition, etc. I now feel, and have felt for quite awhile, very well educated in those areas.
In the past few years I've realized that I am drawn to information about the potential for growth we have as human beings. Recently I've read several books on the mind/brain capability. Famous ancient people have always said (without, of course, any scientific proof whatsoever) that we (humans) are capable of using our mind/brains to create our bodies, our lives and our experiences. That we are not at the mercy of forces outside ourselves, that we are all connected so that how we think and behave affects the entire world. Now there's a lot of scientific evidence to back this up.
I have a lot more studying to do before I can really put this information to work, but I have enough to make a start. Condensing it into what I would need to do to put it into action, comes out that a very dedicated meditation practice would be the first thing. It seems that all those scientists agree that meditation brings us into contact with the part of ourselves that can re-create ourselves, our lives and our connection with the world around us.
I've just entered the second month of a morning meditation practice that I've been consistent with. I don't notice a lot of change but in small ways I feel more myself. I realize "feeling more myself" is not a very clear description but it's the best I can do right now. I have been through so many changes in the past 7 1/2 years that I have often not felt like myself. The meditation seems to be restoring me to who I used to be or maybe just more in touch with who I am now.
In the beginning I just read whatever seemed interesting and entertaining at the time. After I came into recovery I began to notice that my reading gravitated, without my conscious thought, to whatever I seemed to need at the time. When I came across something that really spoke to me, I read it several times and took notes - which is why I call it "studying."
For a long time I read mostly about practical things like money and time management. I had sooo much trouble with those things and needed education badly. I probably read hundreds of books on organization, money and time management, how to clean a house, how to be a good, efficient cook, nutrition, etc. I now feel, and have felt for quite awhile, very well educated in those areas.
In the past few years I've realized that I am drawn to information about the potential for growth we have as human beings. Recently I've read several books on the mind/brain capability. Famous ancient people have always said (without, of course, any scientific proof whatsoever) that we (humans) are capable of using our mind/brains to create our bodies, our lives and our experiences. That we are not at the mercy of forces outside ourselves, that we are all connected so that how we think and behave affects the entire world. Now there's a lot of scientific evidence to back this up.
I have a lot more studying to do before I can really put this information to work, but I have enough to make a start. Condensing it into what I would need to do to put it into action, comes out that a very dedicated meditation practice would be the first thing. It seems that all those scientists agree that meditation brings us into contact with the part of ourselves that can re-create ourselves, our lives and our connection with the world around us.
I've just entered the second month of a morning meditation practice that I've been consistent with. I don't notice a lot of change but in small ways I feel more myself. I realize "feeling more myself" is not a very clear description but it's the best I can do right now. I have been through so many changes in the past 7 1/2 years that I have often not felt like myself. The meditation seems to be restoring me to who I used to be or maybe just more in touch with who I am now.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
How to Make Sure You Follow Through on Making Changes
This is so wild, so funny and so true. My Zen Habits guy that I've been following for a few years now is all about leading a simpler, less stressful life. The barrier to getting this done, for him and for me too and apparently for a lot of other people judging by the thousands of followers he has on his blog, is procrastination. He posts articles every few days as well as links to other bloggers working on similar issues.
He has a Sea Change program that I signed up for to make 12 habit changes (one per month) in 2013. The first thing we worked on was "unprocrastination" which was about choosing a "Most Important Task" (MIT) and establishing a habit of getting that done first. The next was adding more nutritious food to your diet and this month it was establishing a meditation practice. I did okay with the MIT thing (which was writing) although I'm not doing so hot now. I did okay with the nutrition thing although I'm slacking on going to the store so I have what I need. I've done really well with the meditation thing.
A few days ago he posted a guest article on insuring success that knocked my socks off. This guy hired a gal that he found on Craig's list (for $8.00 an hour) to sit with him while he wrote. If he stopped writing, she was supposed to slap him. According to the article, she did have to slap him a few times, but he managed to finish the project he was working on in record time!
This same guy had people take him to a cave in an isolated are where he camped for a month - no cell phone, no computer, etc. He hand wrote an entire project during that month and was completely finished when the people came back to get him.
A long time ago I read a true story about a guy that was consistently late to work, to the unhappiness of his boss. So he hired somebody to come into his house, wake him up, take him to the shower and turn it on, make coffee and breakfast and follow him to his office so that he got there 30 minutes early. Problem solved.
This is all very serious and hysterically funny at the same time. The funny part is obvious. The serious message is: "How serious are we about getting the things done that we've been putting off?"
He has a Sea Change program that I signed up for to make 12 habit changes (one per month) in 2013. The first thing we worked on was "unprocrastination" which was about choosing a "Most Important Task" (MIT) and establishing a habit of getting that done first. The next was adding more nutritious food to your diet and this month it was establishing a meditation practice. I did okay with the MIT thing (which was writing) although I'm not doing so hot now. I did okay with the nutrition thing although I'm slacking on going to the store so I have what I need. I've done really well with the meditation thing.
A few days ago he posted a guest article on insuring success that knocked my socks off. This guy hired a gal that he found on Craig's list (for $8.00 an hour) to sit with him while he wrote. If he stopped writing, she was supposed to slap him. According to the article, she did have to slap him a few times, but he managed to finish the project he was working on in record time!
This same guy had people take him to a cave in an isolated are where he camped for a month - no cell phone, no computer, etc. He hand wrote an entire project during that month and was completely finished when the people came back to get him.
A long time ago I read a true story about a guy that was consistently late to work, to the unhappiness of his boss. So he hired somebody to come into his house, wake him up, take him to the shower and turn it on, make coffee and breakfast and follow him to his office so that he got there 30 minutes early. Problem solved.
This is all very serious and hysterically funny at the same time. The funny part is obvious. The serious message is: "How serious are we about getting the things done that we've been putting off?"
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
It's Possible to Never Have Another Argument Again!
It's a fact that you never have to have an argument with another person as long as you live! I can prove the truth of this because I stopped having arguments with people. If I can do it, anybody can.
What I'm not promising is that you will never be invited to have an argument. You'll probably have plenty of invitations. Not very many people give up arguing like I did, so other people are bound to invite you. Not that I'm better than anybody else - I just learned that I could quit. I think that the truth about arguments is not well known among humans.
The thing is, it takes two humans to make an argument. If one person has decided to stop arguing, there will be no arguments. Simple. Very simple. But...it's not an easy thing. Those invitations are extremely difficult to decline.
So what is so incredibly attractive about arguments that swearing off is so very, very hard? In my case, I argued in order to prove I was right (very important since being right was all I had to shore up my low self-esteem). I also argued to defend myself whether I actually needed to defend myself or not. I often perceived a threat from other people whether there was one or not. I defended myself just in case. The bottom line, though, was that I was trying to get my way about something.
The sad thing is that arguing never, never, ever, ever got me anything but a worse relationship with another person and a feeling in my body that I had been poisoned. Once in a great while I got my way, but that was so very rare. Even when I got my way, I didn't enjoy it because of the emotional hangover from being in an argument.
So I eventually got willing to investigate another way. It turns out that it's tremendously more effective to just ask for what I want instead of fighting for it. Asking in a friendly way and being willing to accept "no" for an answer, doesn't invite a fight and may encourage the other person to say "yes." If someone else wants to pick a fight with me, I can do my best to understand what they're really saying to me and resist my impulse to fight back.
In order to have the capability to resist my impulse to fight back, I have to live each day, with the help of a higher power, as best I can in accordance with my values. When I make mistakes, I try to correct them. Cleaning my side of the street keeps me from being so defensive when someone is wanting to fight with me. This is a very hard, lifetime job. I'm not great at it, but I have finally practiced enough that I at least remember to try every day.
Usually when I'm invited to a fight, the other person is telling me that they've interpreted my actions as a threat whether I intended a threat or not. Maybe their feelings are hurt because they think I meant to hurt them. Maybe I said "no" when they had a lot of energy bound up in my saying "yes." There are a ton of reasons why someone might want to fight me. I often wish I could reassure them that I mean no harm, but that rarely works. I can just remember what someone told me a long time ago - "You add just as much suffering to the world when you take offense as when you give offense." and refuse to take offense myself.
What I'm not promising is that you will never be invited to have an argument. You'll probably have plenty of invitations. Not very many people give up arguing like I did, so other people are bound to invite you. Not that I'm better than anybody else - I just learned that I could quit. I think that the truth about arguments is not well known among humans.
The thing is, it takes two humans to make an argument. If one person has decided to stop arguing, there will be no arguments. Simple. Very simple. But...it's not an easy thing. Those invitations are extremely difficult to decline.
So what is so incredibly attractive about arguments that swearing off is so very, very hard? In my case, I argued in order to prove I was right (very important since being right was all I had to shore up my low self-esteem). I also argued to defend myself whether I actually needed to defend myself or not. I often perceived a threat from other people whether there was one or not. I defended myself just in case. The bottom line, though, was that I was trying to get my way about something.
The sad thing is that arguing never, never, ever, ever got me anything but a worse relationship with another person and a feeling in my body that I had been poisoned. Once in a great while I got my way, but that was so very rare. Even when I got my way, I didn't enjoy it because of the emotional hangover from being in an argument.
So I eventually got willing to investigate another way. It turns out that it's tremendously more effective to just ask for what I want instead of fighting for it. Asking in a friendly way and being willing to accept "no" for an answer, doesn't invite a fight and may encourage the other person to say "yes." If someone else wants to pick a fight with me, I can do my best to understand what they're really saying to me and resist my impulse to fight back.
In order to have the capability to resist my impulse to fight back, I have to live each day, with the help of a higher power, as best I can in accordance with my values. When I make mistakes, I try to correct them. Cleaning my side of the street keeps me from being so defensive when someone is wanting to fight with me. This is a very hard, lifetime job. I'm not great at it, but I have finally practiced enough that I at least remember to try every day.
Usually when I'm invited to a fight, the other person is telling me that they've interpreted my actions as a threat whether I intended a threat or not. Maybe their feelings are hurt because they think I meant to hurt them. Maybe I said "no" when they had a lot of energy bound up in my saying "yes." There are a ton of reasons why someone might want to fight me. I often wish I could reassure them that I mean no harm, but that rarely works. I can just remember what someone told me a long time ago - "You add just as much suffering to the world when you take offense as when you give offense." and refuse to take offense myself.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Stuff that It's a very Bad Idea to do in Relationships, Part 3
In addition to criticism and being bossed, people really, really, hate being ignored. I've heard it said that children will disobey, knowing they will be punished, just to keep their parents' attention. I've noticed that most of us adults retain a lot of childish attitudes and behaviors even though we look like mature human beings. Examples: pouting, temper tantrums, competing for attention. Maybe we also retain the fear that if we're ignored, our needs will not be met.
Looking like we're paying attention is almost as important as actually paying attention. I happen to be one of those people who hear best when I'm looking away from the person. Unfortunately, that leaves the impression that I'm actually not listening. So I have learned to look at the person that's talking even if I'm a little uncomfortable. It's a gift I can give that lets them know I care.
Looking like we're paying attention is almost as important as actually paying attention. I happen to be one of those people who hear best when I'm looking away from the person. Unfortunately, that leaves the impression that I'm actually not listening. So I have learned to look at the person that's talking even if I'm a little uncomfortable. It's a gift I can give that lets them know I care.
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Stuff that it's a Very Bad Idea to do in Relationships, Part 2
I have learned that people (including me) hate, hate, hate being told what to do. For me, at least, I think it relates back to being criticized. I react as though they're telling me I'm wrong to be doing what I'm doing and that I should be doing something else. I hate, hate, hate that.
The thing is, I tell other people what to do. They hate, hate, hate that! I have an excuse - the last two jobs I had I supervised people and it was my job to direct their activities. Also, I sponsor people and since they ask for my input, I end up telling them what to do. This is a very bad habit. What works much better is for me to share my experience.
I really don't believe there's ANY need for us humans to try to tell each other what to do. For one thing, we're all very different and what one person should do is not what another person should do. Usually, though, the reason one person is bossing another person is to get that person to do what they want. Bossing them is terribly ineffective though. Asking politely works soooo much better.
The trigger that starts me telling someone what to do is when they're complaining about something. So I am working on reminding myself that they're probably just making conversation. So much of our human conversation consists of complaining. I can do my part by responding sympathetically and by not complaining myself.
The thing is, I tell other people what to do. They hate, hate, hate that! I have an excuse - the last two jobs I had I supervised people and it was my job to direct their activities. Also, I sponsor people and since they ask for my input, I end up telling them what to do. This is a very bad habit. What works much better is for me to share my experience.
I really don't believe there's ANY need for us humans to try to tell each other what to do. For one thing, we're all very different and what one person should do is not what another person should do. Usually, though, the reason one person is bossing another person is to get that person to do what they want. Bossing them is terribly ineffective though. Asking politely works soooo much better.
The trigger that starts me telling someone what to do is when they're complaining about something. So I am working on reminding myself that they're probably just making conversation. So much of our human conversation consists of complaining. I can do my part by responding sympathetically and by not complaining myself.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Stuff that It's a Very Bad Idea to Do in Relationships Part 1.
I've learned a lot of things about relationships with other human beings the hard way - which means I didn't believe some of the very useful stuff I heard as a child. For example, I heard, "If you can't say something good; don't say anything at all." This is not only extremely good advice, it's been my experience that it's an essential building block of having happy relationships.
Humans hate being criticized and judged. We hate, hate, hate it! I always thought criticism was just necessary in life. I thought, "How else do we learn?" Well, I most assuredly do not believe that any more. Criticism beats us down and takes away our energy. Most of us already believe we're unworthy so criticism just backs up that idea.
The very best thing I've learned to do about criticism when it's leveled at me is:
1) To pause, hear it, and decide whether it's true or not. (This is a lot harder than it sounds. But as I've gotten more comfortable with self-examination, it's gotten easier.) Sometimes input from other people is useful if I don't let it stab me through the heart.
2) To realize that critical people usually are incredibly self-critical and are just taking a break from kicking themselves by kicking me. They also might be fearful of me in some way and are defending themselves in advance. That last one sounds weird but I've had that happen to me more than once.
3) For me the best responses are:
(A)"Thank you"
(B)"Oh?"
(C)"That could be."
(D) complete quiet with a smile.
All of these work just fine.
As for my criticisms of other people: Best thing to do is zip my lip.
There is no reason for me to criticize anyone - even myself. There aren't ANY good outcomes. What works is to focus on what I want to be like and what I want my life to be about. As I focus on what I want and act accordingly, my thoughts, feelings and actions crowd out much of the negatives.
If I don't like what someone else is doing and it actually affects me and I've talked my idea over with a wise person, I might ask the person I've thought of criticizing for what I want instead. This is rarely necessary. My belief is that I can accept most people the way they are. When I reach perfection, I can work on perfecting other people.
The thing is, all of this requires that I practice, practice, practice shutting up. Unless I keep quiet, there's no chance I'm going to speak in a way that avoids criticism. Warning: This is a lifetime job.
Humans hate being criticized and judged. We hate, hate, hate it! I always thought criticism was just necessary in life. I thought, "How else do we learn?" Well, I most assuredly do not believe that any more. Criticism beats us down and takes away our energy. Most of us already believe we're unworthy so criticism just backs up that idea.
The very best thing I've learned to do about criticism when it's leveled at me is:
1) To pause, hear it, and decide whether it's true or not. (This is a lot harder than it sounds. But as I've gotten more comfortable with self-examination, it's gotten easier.) Sometimes input from other people is useful if I don't let it stab me through the heart.
2) To realize that critical people usually are incredibly self-critical and are just taking a break from kicking themselves by kicking me. They also might be fearful of me in some way and are defending themselves in advance. That last one sounds weird but I've had that happen to me more than once.
3) For me the best responses are:
(A)"Thank you"
(B)"Oh?"
(C)"That could be."
(D) complete quiet with a smile.
All of these work just fine.
As for my criticisms of other people: Best thing to do is zip my lip.
There is no reason for me to criticize anyone - even myself. There aren't ANY good outcomes. What works is to focus on what I want to be like and what I want my life to be about. As I focus on what I want and act accordingly, my thoughts, feelings and actions crowd out much of the negatives.
If I don't like what someone else is doing and it actually affects me and I've talked my idea over with a wise person, I might ask the person I've thought of criticizing for what I want instead. This is rarely necessary. My belief is that I can accept most people the way they are. When I reach perfection, I can work on perfecting other people.
The thing is, all of this requires that I practice, practice, practice shutting up. Unless I keep quiet, there's no chance I'm going to speak in a way that avoids criticism. Warning: This is a lifetime job.
Saturday, March 02, 2013
Hope for the Best; Plan for the Worst
From what I saw on CNN last night, there are social psychologists that study things like optimism and pessimism. (I would rather they study something more important for the species like what ways of parenting yield the best outcomes.) It seems that pessimists are right more often than optimists but optimists are happier. Pessimists also live longer because they are on guard and anticipate trouble (but optimists are happier).
I'm thinking I want to be an optimist; hoping for the best, but at the same time look ahead and plan for escaping possible disaster. Best of both worlds.
I'm thinking I want to be an optimist; hoping for the best, but at the same time look ahead and plan for escaping possible disaster. Best of both worlds.
Friday, March 01, 2013
Looking Back I See the Pattern of God's Grace
It's a practice in recovery to "tell your story" so that listeners can see how the program helped you to recover. I've done it dozens of times and each time I see something new and enlightening for me whether the listeners do or not.
I am one of those people that hear from others, "You should write a book!" So I'm writing my memoir. It has turned out to be ever so much more trouble than I thought. I've started over three times because it just didn't seem right to me.
The effort of looking back over my story has shown me that my life is a terrific example of how a force for good in the universe has been taking care and guiding me even when I was a dedicated atheist! Amazing!!!
I am one of those people that hear from others, "You should write a book!" So I'm writing my memoir. It has turned out to be ever so much more trouble than I thought. I've started over three times because it just didn't seem right to me.
The effort of looking back over my story has shown me that my life is a terrific example of how a force for good in the universe has been taking care and guiding me even when I was a dedicated atheist! Amazing!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)