Bogged Down

I've had another one of those weeks where I've been bogged down with too much to do and no desire to do any of it.  I managed to get tiny bits done and am just about on the other side of it.  YAY!  But I am going to have to do something to boost myself out of the doldrums - which I have taken the first steps to do - asking people for help.  What a concept.  Works really well.  I always forget that it does.  Plus I really, really, really hate admitting that I need help.  (Ego).  So, I've asked.  And no one said no.  What a blessing.

Theresa

It was probably about 1995 when I was recruiting and training volunteers to visit people with cognitive disabilities to make sure they had what they needed, that I recruited a volunteer named Theresa.  The project I was working on mandated that the volunteers would be family members of people with disabilities and people with disabilities so Theresa was perfect for the job.  She had a type of cerebral palsy that caused her to have uncontrollable movements of her arms and legs.  She was in a wheelchair but her body was in constant wild movement which made all activities even speech difficult.  However, she was quite a poet and shared some of her poetry with me.  She used a manual typewriter to write her poems and did them all in caps so that she didn't have to mess with shifting.  I changed that part to make it easier to read.  Yesterday I was cleaning out a closet and found one of her poems:

AS IT WAS

The world is not the same
Anymore as I am getting older
I am finding out.
Life isn't pretty anymore either
Way life is hard for me now.
I wish I was little again with a hard cry and soft tears.
A lot of people said that I
Never cried when I was little.
I guess I had a small world in my mind.
No, I am not mad because I am disabled,
The Lord made me as He saw fit.
Yes, I believe in God because Life is God!!!
This is how I look at it.
Now I am not God crazy I am just telling
The facts.  Here.
My life is normal like yours.
A lot people have to understand people
To get along with someone different
Than someone who is a little different.
But who's to say I'm weird because
I am in a wheelchair.
Are you weird because you're normal?
I just want to be me.

What Would Jesus Do?

Although I'm not very religious, I liked those little bracelets that were popular a few years ago.  I thought they would be a good reminder to try to answer that question when confronted with a dilemma.  Yesterday or day before a friend of mine posted a list of things Jesus would NOT do on Facebook.  I thought it was pretty good so I adapted it a little and will post it here.  Of course, I am aware that there are probably people that think Jesus would do these things or some version of them, but I am not in agreement:

STUFF JESUS WOULD PROBABLY NOT DO:
Harass single moms
Beat up homosexuals
Picket funerals
Shoot doctors
Shoot anyone
Join a militia
Own a weapon
Run for president
Attack the poor
Burn a cross
Put his name on merchandise.

Hmmm

So far, so good.  It looks like the politicians have begun to single out the groups that will need to get less money so that the government can quit spending so much money:  old people (Medicare, Social Security), poor people (Medicaid), teachers and other government employees (poor people?).  As the child of two teachers, I'm fairly sure the teachers are not overpaid.  I guess the government workers (teachers, cops, firefighters, military, etc.) are just not important enough to pay them a decent amount.  God knows those poor people and old people just need to get up off their asses and get a job and quit expecting the government to take care of them.  I'm just kind of wondering if the other government workers (subsidized corporate farms, etc.) as well as state legislators and congress would be willing to take a pay cut.  Maybe it would only be symbolic, but I'd love to see them do something like that.  Maybe until the economy improves they could take a 10% pay cut and pay for 1/2 their retirement and health benefits.  That would make me feel sooo much better.

Motivation Pill?

One of my grandsons' girlfriends posted a question on Facebook - "Is there a motivation pill?  I'd like to abuse that!"  She's so smart.  She probably has asked a very important question in a very funny way.  I know exactly how she feels.  There are those who would tell you that there is a motivation pill - it's called "speed."  The problem is that you will definitely abuse it and you may be motivated but not necessarily in a good way.  I am particularly unmotivated right now.  Not sure why.  Retiring to a cave for a long, long time sounds soothing and good.  It's not that I have a bunch of stuff to do that I don't want to do.  I just want to stop for awhile.

Regeneration of Spirit

Went to the 5:30 women's meeting which was on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings - they seemed  so trite.  But now I love them.  I thought of all I have learned and practiced over the years and how my spirit has regenerated.  That phrase was in one of my readings this morning.  One of the things I'm most grateful for is that I've lost a lot of my fear of being judged.  In the program I am just who I am with all my good and bad qualities and I hide almost nothing from the people of the program.  I am accepted and loved just the way I am.  When I walk in the door I drop all my pretenses.  I still have some fears of judgment - especially my own and other close relationships, but I am willing to be honest in spite of my fear.  Being who I am has given me the gift of being a "free spirit" which is what I've always wanted in my life.  It's who I thought I was in my drinking days - although I was actually a captive of my own self-judgement and the chemicals I was ingesting.  Now my spirit is truly free!  I am grateful.

Melting

The snow is melting.  It's been warm the last couple of days.  The trash man came.  But I still can't get to my outside garbage cans because I would have to shovel the snow away from the gate.  There's still a lot of snow in the street but I should be able to get out today anyway.  Since it's Valentines Day and I didn't get to go to my beautiful granddaughter's birthday party, I will be going out to mail all the cards I meant to take with me.  I hate being in the dog house for not doing what I can't do, but ...sometimes that that's just the way it is.  I have an invitation from a friend to treat me to a Valentine's Dinner out - a female friend.  But that is terrific to have a date where I don't have to do anything except be myself!  I think Valentines Day should be about melted hearts - compassion for all those people who aren't doing it right and for myself for being so imperfect.  In fact, let's start trend - Valentine's Day is melted hearts day!!!

Pics

Here's Kristin with her fairy wings she got at the Women's Symposium plus the bracelet that came with her Valentine she got from me.

Sculpture in front of the Performing Arts Center.

My friend Alicia with the four wheel drive in front of the Performing Arts Center.  We made it to the ballet so I made her pose in front of one of the lovely snow piles we have all over Tulsa.

Compare and Despair

"Compare and despair" is a quote from one of the women who used to meet with the women's group that studied the steps at my house.  I've never heard it from anyone else, but she may have heard it somewhere or maybe she made it up.  But that little phrase has been a terrific defense against the judge in everyone's head that gives us a hard time when we see someone we think is better than we are.  There's another saying in the recovery community:  "Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides."  That's another really good defense.

One of the readings in one of my meditation books yesterday reminded me of those sayings and I realized how grateful I should feel that I actually don't compare myself with other people anymore.  I used to think there were people who did everything right most of the time and as a result lived charmed lives.  Then one time I had the flu and was home from work for several days.  I watched a whole lot of biographies on tv, and learned that even those people I assumed would have led charmed lives had many of the same painful experiences in their lives that I did in mine.  Beverly Sills had a daughter who was deaf and would never be able to hear her sing.  Paul Newman had had a child die.  And on and on.  Furthermore, they did not do everything right most of the time.  They had made a lot of the same mistakes I had.

The main thing I learned from the women's meetings at my house (for over 10 years), was that although all of us were very different - in background, age, life circumstances, etc., we were very much the same on the inside.  We had the same fears, had made similar horrendous mistakes in our lives, had had terribly difficult events to deal with, and on and on.  Learning that really helped make me less judgmental of myself.

So today my endless struggles to be more organized, to exercise and eat right every day, to get all my chores done when they need to be done - well, at least I don't kick myself when I don't do everything right most of the time.  Little by little, I get better and am grateful for progress.

Luxury

Since all my responsibilities and appointments have been wiped off my calendar by a snow storm, I have the luxury of spending a little more time with meditation.  This morning I read"No longer half-asleep to the wonders around me, I become aware that each moment fairly vibrates with the possibility of healing..." from Hope for Today.  I have the luxury to notice that the birds have completely wiped out the bird seed I put out for them yesterday.  I've had more time to read/study the writing of other writers and learn more about how I want to write myself.  I've reconnected with some friends I haven't talked to in a long time.  Meditation always returns me to the things that are most important to me.

Stuff to be Grateful for While being Stuck in the House in a Snow Storm

"Today I am grateful for everything - even things that surprise me..."  Hope for Today  

I had the makings for vegetable soup.

My hot water works so I had a hot bath.

Friends who offer to get me stuff at the store.

The spider mums I forgot to bring in from the car survived two days and are still in great shape.

Usually I ignore facebook but I like it when enclosed.

My cable tv works,

I've caught up with some friends on the phone.

I caught a mouse.

The way the sun reflects off snow so that it's twice as light in my house.

There's no mail so I don't have to watch the postman struggle to deliver it.

There's no newspaper so I don't have to feel guilty that I haven't read it.

The bird tracks in the snow on the wheelchair ramp reminding me to put out bird food.

I've had time to pray for the citizens of Egypt.

Snow and More Snow

We're not alone - from the weather map it looks like most of the country is in a blizzard.  I was looking forward to the temperature being in the 40s tomorrow, but woke up to more snow this morning.  Looks like I'm going to be stuck here awhile longer.  Luckily I have plenty to do to keep myself from sinking into slug.  What a great opportunity to study, read and write.  I am more and more hopeful about finishing my writing project in the next two or three months. 

I'm reading the same meditation books I've read for probably three years now.  They seem new and fresh every year even though I remember reading them before.  Today in "Courage to Change," the writer says that remembering that "God is not a terrorist" is necessary for serenity.  I guess that some of us think that since God is in charge, any situation we don't like is God's fault.  I'm just guessing but I wonder if there aren't some folks who think this constant cold and snow is God's punishment for something.  Since I believe God is not a terrorist, I'm going to assume that it's all meant for our good.

New Ideas

One of the things I'm most grateful for is the fabulous new stuff I learned in the beginning of recovery that I'm still using today.  One of them is just a mind set change, really.  If I'm having a problem - especially a problem with another person - the first place I should go to solve it is to myself rather than trying to get them to change.  What a concept.  I had no idea it was possible to solve a problem with another person by changing myself.  Wow!  Of course, at first I thought it was just crazy - if the other person is behaving badly, how could I solve the problem by changing myself?  Well, nine times out of 10 it is possible and so much easier than trying to change another person or situation - which almost never works. 

Example - I was at an event with a friend.  The room was crowded so it started getting overly warm.  The air conditioning went on which solved the problem - except for my friend who is cold-natured.  She began to fuss about being cold - every few minutes.  Finally I pointed out that she had a coat.  She didn't put it on and continued to fuss about being cold.  I just laughed and said, "I guess you would rather be cold and wait for them to change the room temperature than to put on your coat!"  Then she did put on her coat.

The whole thing reminded me of what a gift it was to learn that the easiest way to solve any problem in the world is to change myself.  I used to be just like she is - sure that the people who put the air conditioning on were wrong and wait for them to realize it and change while freezing to death myself.  I sure suffered a lot until I learned that new idea.

Pictures

Adam smoking his pipe after the package opening.

Some of the wreckage from package opening on Christmas.

Fred taking a picture of who knows what on Christmas Eve (must be Christmas Eve - presents are still under the tree).

Sofi taking a picture of Aaron and Liz on Christmas.

Sofi watching over the snacks on Christmas

Thein cooking on Christmas in her American Eagle hat.

Wreath on the ceiling at the Philbrook Museum of Art.  The things dangling from the wreath are feathers - I guess because we're Indian Country.  Whatever!

Aaron taking a picture of the landscaping at Philbrook Museum of Art

Pretty good Christmas lights in my neighborhood.  I think there's a light on every leaf on the tree and bushes!

Old Warehouse Market -art deco building.

One of the famous art deco buildings in Tulsa - an old warehouse market.

The famous praying hands at Oral Roberts University

Oral Roberts University Prayer Tower

Oklahoma Surgical Hospital - interesting to a design student like Sofi.

Aaron and I by the lobby Christmas tree at Oklahoma Surgical.

Aaron and Sofi by the lobby Christmas tree in the lobby of the Oklahoma Surgical Hospital.  We were checking out the design since Sofi is a design student.

Sofi, Aaron, Bec, Adam, Thein around the fire pit at Aaron's graduation party.

Another pic from the 1959 mini reunion at Christmas

Victim Thinking continued

I did a little online research into victim thinking and learned that that personal world view usually comes from trauma where the person really was powerless.  However, when that stance turns into a way of life, it is incredibly damaging.  Although it has its perks - like: blaming others makes you feel "right," self-pity gets you sympathy from others (up to a point), it keeps you from being responsible for directing your life.  You unconsciously create situations where you're a victim so you can keep your role going.  The most noticeable thing about a "victim thinker" is that they are constantly complaining and blaming.  It's their main or only topic of conversation.

Life is full of situations where we really are powerless - tornadoes, earthquakes, and other natural disasters, for example.  But we ARE in charge of our responses to those disasters.  Victim thinkers whine about their fate and look for someone to blame.  Non-victims (responsible people) take charge and make things better.

Lots of philosophers and spiritual gurus will tell you that the answer to victim thinking is forgiveness.  I think though, that the beginning of the answer is to take charge of making things better.  When I'm working on making things better, I'm not blaming and complaining.  Then I'm more likely to forgive when I'm not feeling hopeless, helpless and full of rage. 

"...in my vehement determination to no longer be a victim, I held the hostility that perpetuated my pain.  Once I realized this, I experienced a spiritual awakening in the form of a deep desire to let go of those feelings that were poisoning my life...I gave up my bitterness and regained my life."   Hope for Today.

Victim Thinking

Every once in awhile I re-visit something I already know and am amazed at how powerful it is.  Usually it's something I read in one of my meditation books or something one of my sponsors reminds me of.  Just recently I read that "resentment marks the spot where I felt like a victim."  I wanted to have that tatooed somewhere on my body where I could see it all the time.  Just today one of my sponsors emailed me a reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie on not being a victim, and yesterday another of my sponsors reminded me that I was dealing with someone who can only see herself as a victim which keeps her from ever taking action to solve her problems (if you take action and solve a problem, you're not a victim anymore).

I spent the first half of my life thinking like a victim.  I felt hopeless and helpless and enraged.  When I came into a recovery program and they began to teach me about not being a victim and taking responsibility for my life, I got really mad because I couldn't see that they weren't telling me that everything was my fault.  Little by little I saw that I could change how I thought and how I behaved, which would in turn change everything around me and that that didn't mean that my circumstances or other people would necessarily change.

There was a television program I watched a little bit of a couple of years ago.  I can't remember what it was called but it was about parents who had out of control, acting out children, and the show sent a nanny to their house to help.  I was amazed at the parents - they were angry when the nanny showed them how to improve their parenting skills so that the children could rely on their parents to teach good behavior.  The parents saw themselves as victims of their children - saw the children as "bad" and expected the nanny to straighten the children out.  Of course, that isn't how it works.  Parents are responsible for their parenting skills, and the reason the children were acting out was because the parents were not parenting properly. 

Usually there was a confrontation between the nanny and the parents where she had to explain that they either wanted to use her expertise to solve the problem or they didn't.  If they didn't, she was leaving.  If they did, they would have to do as she suggested.  Since it was a tv show, the parents agreed to at least try her suggestions.  They usually consisted of providing structure to the children's day so that they could anticipate what was expected of them.  Included in the structure were fun things to do as a family so that the bond between the parents and the children was nurtured.  The children were also given responsibilities as members of the family - like picking up their toys, taking their dirty plates to the sink, helping set the table, taking out the trash, - reponsibilities appropriate for their ages.  There was usually a chart hung up somewhere that showed whether the responsibilities were taken care of and there was some kind of positive thing that happened if they were.  That might be extra television time, extra time on the computer or something like that.

The parents were to teach the children what was expected of them regarding eating, sleeping, dressing, etc.  Fighting and other kinds of acting out were to be followed by time out, where the parents put the child in a "time out place."  The parent explained to the child why the child was going to time out and told them how long they would be staying there - one minute for every year of age.  Of course, the children who were used to running wild would not stay in the time out place.  The nanny taught the parents to say nothing but just pick the child up and put him or her back - no matter how many times it took.  Of course the parents hated this even more than the children and wanted to give in, but the nanny wouldn't let them.  In an amazingly short period of time, the children learned that if they wanted to stay out of the time out place, all they had to do was refrain from acting up.

One of the common problems was kids who wouldn't go to bed, which resulted in mornings fraught with stress because the kids were too tired to get up and go to school.  Usually the kids had trouble at school because they were so tired.  The nanny used the same technique for that problem:  the parents explained to the kids that bedtime was at whatever time would give them plenty of sleep and let them be able to get up in the morning in plenty of time for school.  A bedtime routine was instituted - a bath followed by story reading was common. Then the parents were to put the kids to bed at that time. 

Of course, the kids immediately got up and tried to talk the parents into letting them stay up.  The parents were to just say, "it's time to go to sleep" and put the child back in bed.  The nanny usually recommended that the parent sit by the bed for two or three nights to make the child feel more secure.  Also, that made it more convenient for the parent to put the child back in bed every time he or she got up.  The parent was not to talk to the child at all after saying one time that it was time to go to sleep.  After the third night, the parent was to sit by the door for three nights and then after that leave the room entirely.  The parent was to put the child back in bed how ever many times it took until the child fell asleep.  Some kids were really stubborn and the parent had to put them back to bed twenty, thirty, even fifty times.  It didn't matter, the parent just kept putting them back to bed.  Usually the kids were falling asleep right after they went to bed by the third or fourth night.  Amazing. 

When the parents stopped being victims of their children and became willing to learn some new ways to parent, the problems were solved.  This example applies to my life over and over.  I had to laugh at how convinced the parents were that the kids were the problem and not themselves.  I lived my life that way:  if I wasn't happy at work it was because of my boss or co-workers, if I wasn't happy in my relationships it was because the other people were not acting the way I wanted them to, and on and on.  I tried to solve my problems by making other people behave the way I wanted them to.  And I did that for years and years without ever noticing that it wasn't working.  Thank God and the people of the program for showing me other ways to live.  Now when I try to work with newcomers to help them see how they can change their perspective from victim to responsible adult, and they fight like tigers to convince me it's not their fault, I can share how it was for me when I was living the way they are and what it's like for me now that I'm not a victim.  It's a far better life, for sure.  There are enough troubles in the world that I don't have control over without creating a bunch more for myself by victim thinking.

Living in the Past

I've discovered that writing a memoir is a lot like living in the past.  That seems pretty obvious, I know.  The thing is that in order to write about something, I have to sit still and really remember how I felt, what things looked like and for the time that I'm writing I do feel like I'm there again.  Right now I'm writing about the death of one of my children.  I'm not liking it much, but I've made a commitment to do this based on the urging of lots of knowledgeable people in my life.  So, onward I go.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.

D.H. Lawrence

Keeping it Simple

I absolutely love the idea I got from Steve Pavlina of making goals so tiny that it would be impossible to fail.  I've managed to ramp up both my writing time and exercise by making itty, bitty, teeny, tiny goals - 15 minutes a day each.  I'm up to over 30 days with each of them and needless to say, progress is being made.  I'm fairly sure that the 15 minutes a day of writing has almost always ended up by being several hours.  So maybe the problem is procrastination and the solution is doing something even if it's almost nothing because it gets me started.  Whatever.  I'm hoping this keeps on working. 

...we of this world are pupils in a great school of life.  As Bill Sees It

New Year

Always at the new year I think about what I might want in my life this year.  I don't make resolutions - I have too much history with breaking them - it's depressing.  But thinking about what I want - that's another story.  This year I want to fill my mind and heart with love and serenity.  I want to ignore all the crap that seems to be going on in the world and around me.  I want to see if I can stay 100% positive all the time.  Well, that may be too lofty, but it's worth a shot.  I wonder how I would feel if I stayed 100% positive.

I pray to learn the way to see myself as a child of God, bearing in my heart and mind the dignity and grace He has conferred upon every one of His children.  Let me learn to live up to this picure of perfection - a little at a time, but always going forward.  One Day at a Time.

Pictures

My friend from high school, Mary Ann and her husband, Bob.  We were at the NHS mini-reunion in Joplin.  Obviously it was Christmas time.

Well, that's it for now because I'm having a challenge figuring out how to get the last batch of pictures posted.  All my computer is giving me is this picture.  There are a whole bunch more.