Pix

My friend's garden.  The birds just flew away as I took this picture and they're not in it to my chagrin.

I have no idea what this is a picture of.

Aaron and Adam looking something up on the computer.

Thien is cooking.

Trying to get an action picture of these three - totally impossible.  Only Jeremy knows how to act.

Bec's beautiful shoes she wore to the homecoming dance.

Thien and Adam at Bec's homecoming game.

Bec's band at half time.

Band in the stadium playing like mad.

Drums at the homecoming game.

13 year old tap dancer at the Dance Movie event I attended where a friend of mine who's a ballerina was in one of the films.  (and it won first prize).  The little guy was a great dancer.  The only thing was I couldn't match his dancing with the music he was supposedly dancing to.

Bronze statue (new one) in the park next to a golf course.

Lake on the golf course outside the window of the meeting room where a group I attend meets every Sunday morning.

Sunday morning meeting in the "glass house" at a park.  View is of the lake on the golf course.

Progress not Perfection

I've learned that I'm a slow learner.  Making any change is a huge challenge for me.  Thanks to recovery, though, my whole attitude toward change has matured; I used to try to change in accordance with some arbitrary rules I learned somewhere.  I was trying hard to be "a good person" so that I could feel all right about myself.  I was pretty much a complete failure at that.  I couldn't possibly live up to what I thought I should be.  So eventually I just gave up on myself.  In recovery, though, I learned that change takes place with the help of a Higher Power and it occurs in the here and now, one day at a time.  After some period of time, I can look back and see that I have changed - not perfectly but definitely for the better. 

I've also learned that arbitrary rules that I learned somewhere are not good guides to change.  Soul searching for how to live my life, meditations on kindness, reading other people's ideas and adopting the ones that fit with kindness, are better guides for me.  I read once that the Dalai Lama's religion was kindness and my sense of it is that all religions have that as a central tenet.  In recovery there's a saying - when deciding what to say in any situation, ask yourself, "Is it necessary?  Is it constructive?  Is it kind?" 

A big part of kindness is learning to be kind to myself, so "progress not perfection" is what I apply to my efforts to live the life I want to live.  For example, I have tried many times to establish a meditation practice that is truly a meditation practice.  I go along for awhile and then forget the whole thing.  Now that my life is not so busy, I'm working at this again.  I'm pretty good now with the morning meditation, but I forget to do the evening one.  Also, I do not yet have anything like a quiet mind, so I've adopted what I think is a Buddhist meditation where I focus on my breathing, saying to myself as I breathe in, "May I be free from suffering" and as I breathe out, "May I be at peace."  (This is not a prayer.  This is me giving myself permission to be free of suffering and to be at peace.)  Boy does my mind really hate that.  It wants to think about my to do list, what I ought to do about some problem, etc. etc. etc.  It could be discouraging if I were trying for perfection.  Luckily I'm not - the goal is progress and I'm seeing some of that as I persist every day.

Ignoring Problems

Ignoring problems has an upside and a downside.  The downside is, of course, that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away.  Problem solving is a skill that can be learned.  It's work.  It's my responsibility to learn it and not depend on other people to solve my problems.  It's good, though, to have the humility to ask people who know to give me the information I need to solve them.  I wasn't born knowing how to solve problems, and I will never stop needing information to do a good job at it.

The upside of ignoring problems is recognizing when I've done all I can, and it's time to stop.  It's the part in the Serenity Prayer when I receive the wisdom to know I've got a problem that I need to ignore (accept) because it's something I can't change - at least right now.  It's the opposite of doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  I'm getting better and better at this kind of ignoring of problems.  I've noticed that sometimes what I thought was a problem, isn't actually a problem.  This is particularly true when I think I need to change someone else.  It may well be that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.

Why I Shop at a Ridiculously Expensive Grocery Store

• The produce is fresher and lasts longer.
• The produce doesn't have any pesticides on it.
• The meat doesn't have growth hormones.
• The milk doesn't have growth hormones
• The cheese doesn't have growth hormones
• The cows, chickens, etc. have not been tortured their whole lives.
• The eggs are from vegetarian chickens (they didn't eat other chickens) so the eggs are lower in cholesterol.
• The cows didn't eat other cows which means there's less chance of disease.
• By spending my money there, help the farmers make money by growing clean produce and caring for healthy cows, chickens, etc.  I hope that when other food producers notice it pays to farm that way, they'll start doing it too.
• They have a lot of stuff I really like but can't get anywhere else - like canned lentils.
• Their flowers last twice as long but don't cost any more.

Unsolved Problems

There's something to be said for living into the 7th decade.  I'm a slow learner but I eventually catch on to some stuff.  For example, unsolved problems seem to plague us humans for long, long, long period of time.  I've decided that if I'm uncomfortable about something for more than 24 hours it's time to do something.  Usually that something is to talk to somebody about it.  The inside of my own head is not a safe place to be with a problem.  I usually just look for someone or something to blame.  Sometimes it's me, but mostly not.

Some problems can be solved; some can't; some can be solved at a later time.  However, I certainly have to start with accepting reality.  My physical problems only have temporary solutions at this point.  I've worked really hard at learning what causes them and what will help.  I know that exercise (the right kind, guided by people who know what they're doing), good nutrition (guided by people who know what they're doing), yoga and meditation, plenty of sleep, avoiding stress and food that promotes inflammation, and a positive frame of mind are all things that help.  So every day I do my best to do what's needed to take care of myself. 

I've learned to let go of my physical problems when I've done what I can to take care of myself, and then I just get on with my life.  Thinking about them all day or griping doesn't help at all.  In fact I really think it makes me worse.  I avoid pills too.  Pain meds just mask the problems and don't solve anything, plus there are gross side effects.  I just avoid them, not completely refuse them.  There are times when I've done everything else I can and it's time to use them.  But I'm aware of their dangers. 

If something new comes up, I make a quick trip to a good doctor and try to figure out what's up and whether there's something that can be done.  Sometimes it's as simple as using crutches when I have to be on my feet for several hours.  Using crutches keeps some of the weight off my hip and knee so they don't become inflamed and sore.  Simple solution.  That solution allowed me to spend several hours seeing the sights at the state fair without having a lot of pain.

In my past life I would have tried a couple of things and then just given up, assuming that I was just doomed.  Sometimes there are no obvious solutions and I have to surrender to reality and learn to accept and cope, but that strategy is actually a solution. 

Pix

My latest bouquet.

Midway at the fair

The cops at the fair.  Little pink piggies on top.

Better view of the piggies.

Tony at the fair

My dear neighbors have already decorated for Halloween

Bridget with her purse and Christine her caregiver

Julie, Bridget's program coordinator is checking the books.

Two of the paintings on the wall at Cafe Samana - a great place to eat if you're into healthy food.

Eric here for a visit on his way to his latest adventure.

Short Answers

I've probably sat in thousands of meetings with a guy that likes to make the principles of the program into "one-liners."  I love it because I am able to remember the principles that way.  For example: "There's only one money problem - not enough of it.  There are only two possible solutions:  Earn more, spend less."  Try to argue with that!  I can't think of an exception. 

The other one I love is in regard to relationship problems, and it applies to every relationship of any kind:  "There are only three things you can do about a relationship conflict - change them, change yourself or leave."  Leaving could just mean leaving the room.  I would add that changing them is usually the first one us humans try - usually by raising hell in some way.  Almost always fails miserably.  People hate to be criticised.  It almost always just makes people want to fight back.  Asking extremely politely and respectfully will occasionally work. 

Changing myself means getting my attitude changed so that I can accept the person/situation exactly as it is without trying to change him, her or it.  That's the hardest one of all.  Of course, when I first heard this stuff, I wanted to argue - how can I accept a person or situation where I am being unfairly attacked?  The answer to that one is very complicated.  But the answer doesn't include arguing with the person.  Sometimes it just means that I accept reality rather than trying to change it.  It's likely that there's something I need to do about the situation instead of making it the responsibility of the other person. 

I love these simple ways of solving problems.  It's made my life so much less stressful.  Unfortunately, I've had to have help from someone every time I need to apply a principle.  I forget from one time to the next!

Priorities

Since I have such a limited amount of energy in a day's time now (actually I've always had a limited amount of energy in a day's time and so does everybody in the world - it's just less energy than I'm used to),  I have to make decisions about priorities.  I have never been good at this.  I always want to do everything and in order to deal with the limitations of time and energy, I just figure I will go faster, sleep less, or whatever.  Just fyi - that doesn't work.  But that's the strategy I most often use.  Grrrr. 

Recently I read that making decisions between priorities takes a lot of mental energy and we get tired quickly when we have to do a lot of it.  I can testify to the truth of that.  Whatever I was reading also said that the best way to make those decisions is to see which thing gives me a feeling of peace rather than stress.  I'm going to try that!

Pix

Outside Whole Foods - they've obviously gone crazy with the fall stuff.

My newest bouquet.

Found a place for the fabulous windchime I got for my "love gift" at Heart to Heart.  It's on my back door and chimes when I go in and out.

Here I am at yoga class with my dear friend Karen who is teaching it.  I am blessed to be in a class with someone who does such gentle yoga that I can't hurt myself!

The new outline method for the book I'm writing.  Each card is a chapter.  I write for 20 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break.  Good for a disorganized writer.

Celebration

I really should throw a party.  For six years I've worked on normalizing my sleeping patterns.  I've accepted them, and then not accepted them.  I've tried pretty much everything I could think of plus any suggestions any one could give me.  So for the past six months, the patterns have steadied and fallen into a pretty liveable and predictable patterns.  I'm usually up between 7:00 and 8:00 a.m. and usually asleep by 10:00 p.m.  I usually go to bed around 9:00 and read or watch television.  Sometimes I need a nap in the late afternoon.  Yay!  I think a lot of the chaos had to do with ptsd, the need for rest to heal physically and emotionally, plus the medications for pain that I took after multiple surgeries. 

A lot of stuff I tried did not work:  Setting the alarm and getting up whether I wanted to or not.  This strategy usually resulted in being exhausted and kind of freaked out emotionally.  Taking medication for sleep - as I usually experience with any kind of meds - sleeping meds kept me awake.  I could go on for awhile about the stuff I tried that didn't work. 

So - here's the stuff that worked:  I accepted that I need anywhere from 14 hours to 10 hours of sleep out of every 24 hours.  It depends on how much mental, emotional and physical activity I've expended.  It's no use trying to get out of it.  Some physical activity every day helps.  Taking a hot bath (preferably with bubbles).  Taking a Benedryl at 8:00 p.m. (I have allergies that make my breathing weird when I sleep, plus the Benedryl makes me a little sleepy.)  Last but not least:  Tempurpedic mattress and pillows and learning how to arrange my body so I have very little pain.

I am SO grateful.  My days are so much more predictable and productive.  I'm glad I persisted and didn't give in to despair!  I'm glad I've healed enough to benefit from the strategies I've tried.  I'm grateful to my Higher Power.

Simple Abundance

I'm reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance again.  There are daily readings on lifestyle which were life changing at the time I first read them which was over 20 years ago.  I love her writing style plus there are 365 little essays with marvelous ideas. 

During the month of September she's writing essays about success.  Yesterday the essay was on ambition.  She said taking action on our goals is ambition in motion - there's no success without ambition because it drives action.  She also says that ambition has a bad reputation because of it's association with pride and greed.  "When the soul is impoverished, the ego is easily seduced.  Greed is a very effective pimp for the dark side."  I love it.  I can see this everywhere in our world and even sometimes in myself.  An impoverished soul = greed.  Love and light of the soul are the answers to greed. 

Today the reading was about fear.  All of us, I'm sure, are familiar with the voices inside our head that tell us we are going to fail, make a fool of ourselves, etc., etc., etc. if we take action on our heart's desires.  I was startled to read that she believes those voices come from the ego.  The ego wants to protect itself from embarrassment so it whispers to us that we are so tired and need to take care of ourselves instead of taking action.  Mindless TV, computer games, unneeded naps, "Relax," the ego says, "There's plenty of time.  Tomorrow will be soon enough."  I knew my ego was not my friend, but I've been listening to the "It's time to rest" thing because I often am REALLY tired.  Sometimes it's my ego, though.  Thanks, Sarah, for the heads up!

Stuff to be Grateful For

I'm writing this to remind me when I have a bad case of self-pity and can't remember what to be grateful for, that I have more to be grateful for than I can even ever write down:

• Hot bubble baths (thanks to the people who did the work to make my bathtub, the hot water, the Vitabath, etc.)
• God for giving me life, helping me live this long, helping me find recovery, my recovery from injuries.  Plus my surgeon, body work tech, physical therapists, etc.
• God for giving me children and grandchildren that are marvelous.
• God for giving me the stubborness it has taken for me to keep trying when things looked hopeless or impossible.
• God and everyone else who has ever loved me and shown me their love.  (Seems like thousands)
• Living in a country where good food is plentiful.
• For the good luck to have a comfortable house, in reasonably good repair, that I think is beautiful.
• For the God given talent I have for problem solving.
• For all the people who are kind to me every day.
• For my mother who taught me to read when I was four and reading has been both a pleasure and a great help throughout my life.
• For my fabulous friends.

There's a fabulous start!

Pix

Cisco lounging in my bed long past time for him to get up and for me to make the bed.

Below Cisco is toasting in the blistering sun in the bedroom window.

Above is the view outside of my living room window where the bushes are blooming at last.  The blistering heat kept even these hot weather bushes from blooming until the fall caused a cool down.  Nice to see pink flowers again.

Here's part of our Tulsa contingent at Heart to Heart.  It was purple night so we all have on purple.  Below is Liz on the last morning of the retreat when we all have balloons to release.

Here Liz and I are with our new friend, Mary Pearl.  Good grief!  She is so funny!

Denial is not a river in Egypt

This saying is not a joke!  Denial kills.  I learned about denial when I was first in recovery.  I didn't have a lot of denial - I knew I had a bad problem (I wasn't sure what it was), I knew I needed help and I was ready to accept it.  Since then, I've recovered enough to work with others who are newer in recovery than I am.  Everyone has denial.  Some of us have a worse case of it than others.  Melody Beattie talks about how breaking denial is like yanking a warm blanket off somebody in a cold room.  They just yank it back and cover up again.  You have to make the room warm first. 

I'm not very good at making the room warm.  I'm a blanket yanker.  As one of the people I work with says, "Boy, you really just cut to the chase."  As I was cleaning out a bookcase earlier today, I found a book for professional counselors on managing denial so I'm reading it so I can be a better "room warmer."  I'm working with a couple of people now who switch into denial really quickly in a couple of areas of their lives.  Because of the denial, their whole lives are affected negatively and they are in a lot of pain.  But they don't think it's denial; they think it's their circumstances that are creating the problems.

The author of the book says that denial is just a coping mechanism that has developed to protect us from emotional pain.  It keeps us from recognizing that there's a problem, that it's a very serious problem that resides within ourselves, and that we have the responsibility for solving.  I've noticed that I and the people I work with usually go to blaming other people, bad luck, etc. for their problems.  They change the subject a lot.  They get mad and yell.  They attack me (verbally).  I worked with one person whose cell phone died when she was talking to me as soon as she went into denial.  Weird. 

I'm hoping I will find some answers for "warming up the room" for myself and others who are plagued with denial and whose lives are being sabotaged by it.

New Poet

I've moved on from e.e. cummings to Billy Collins - the poet my friend told me about.  He's a simple guy.  Very accessible.  He wrote one about obsessive, compulsive neatness:

The Straightener

Even as a boy I was a straightener.
On a long table near my window
I kept a lantern, a spyglass, and my tomahawk.

Never tomahawk, lantern, and spyglass.
Always lantern, spyglass, tomahawk.

You could never tell when you would need them
but that was the order you would need them in.

On my desk pencils at attention in a cup,
foreign coins stacked by size,

a photograph of my parents,
and under the heavy green blotter,
a note from a girl I was fond of.

These days I like to stack in pyramids
the cans of soup in the pantry
and I keep the white candles in rows like logs of wax.

And if I can avoid doing my taxes
or phoning my talkative aunt
on her eighty-something birthday,

I will use a ruler to measure the space
between the comb and brush on the dresser,
the distance between shakers of salt and pepper.

Today, for example I will devote my time
to lining up my shoes in the closet,
pair by pair in chronological order

and lining up my shirts on the rack by color
to put off having to tell you, dear,
what I really think and what I now am bound to do.
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Excited to Wake Up

One of the things I always hoped would happen for me as an adult is to wake up excited about the day.  There were a few times as a child when something special was going to happen that I waked up excited.  But not so much as an adult.  I usually woke up feeling anxious about my to do list and always felt behind before I started.  But these days, after several years of working on losing my guilt and anxiety about how little energy I have and how little I get done, I've been able to focus on doing things that improve my quality of life.  That focus has started having an effect so that I look forward to my day and feel a little tingle of excitement. 

For the past several years I've had one of my televisions tuned in to a music channel pretty much 24 hours a day - sweet, soft music for the most part.  In my effort to bump up my enjoyment, I've started changing the music I listen to several times a day.  Right now it's jazz.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy smooth jazz.  And, of course, reading a poem a day is very enjoyable.  For a few days since I ditched cranky, depressed Emily Dickinson, I've been reading e.e. cummings.  He has such a great sense of humor and writes the best love poems ever!

your little voice
                         Over the wires came leaping
and i felt suddenly
dizzy
        With the jostling and shouting of merry flowers
were skipping high-heeled flames
courtesied before my eyes
                                          or twinkling over to my side
Looked up
with impertinently exquisite faces
floating hands were laid upon me
I was whirled and tossed into delicious dancing
up
Up
with the pale important
                                     stars and the Humorous moon
dear girl
How i was crazy how i cried when i heard
                                                                     over time
and tide and death
leaping
sweetly
            your voice
        

Anger

I attended a meeting last week that was on anger.  I was almost the last one to say anything and the meeting was large so I had a long time to think about myself and anger while I listened to everyone else.  I love trying to boil everything down to just a few words because it's so much easier to remember.  I came up with kind of a mental list of things that I either used to get angry about or still do get angry about.

1.  I think people should know what I want (and follow my rules because my rules are the right ones) and if they're not, it's because they don't care about me or are just bad, lazy people who need to be set right!!! (Actually, the best solution for this one is to understand that lots of people - almost everybody, in fact - has different rules than I do and they believe theirs are the only right ones.  Setting people right has never worked.  They get mad and feel criticized which usually means they keep doing what I don't want them to do just for spite or to show they can.  On the other hand, if I ask gently, politely and without a hint of criticism - "It would be wonderful if you could or would_______)"  sometimes they will actually do what I want.  If they don't, my best bet for peace of mind is to blow it off unless it's truly life or death.)

2.  Somebody is doing something that hurts someone I love.  I am a big rescuer.  In this case I usually react as if the person I love is in a burning building.  I rush to the rescue.  Sometimes this is insulting because they think they can rescue themselves - and that's usually true.  Sometimes they don't believe they're in a burning building at all - and maybe they're not.  But in either case, they truly don't want to be rescued.  Can't rescue somebody that doesn't want to be. 

3.  People out in the world are doing things that I think are terrible and wrong.  I used to get mad when I watched the news.  Sometimes I still do.  Even though what those people are doing doesn't actually affect me, I can still get mad.  If I think it affects me - well, then I can really give myself permission to throw a fit!!.  Only thing is unless I can do something about it, there's no purpose in expending all that energy and mental pain.  Blowing it off is best.  However, often there is something I can do about it, if nothing else by writing to my legislators or the newspaper.  I usually would rather just get mad than go to all that trouble.  So I've started writing letters.  I've noticed that I get all upset around natural disasters because it's the one thing we know is going to happen, but everyone acts all shocked and it takes forever for the folks who are supposed to know what to do to do anything.  I think I'm going to write up what I think should be done in the case of natural disasters and send it off to FEMA, the Red Cross and anyplace else I can think of.  Of course I have no idea whether I actually know what should be done or not.

Those are all the reasons I could think of as to why I get angry - just three things/situations.  Usually what precedes the anger is the feeling of powerlessness.  A long time ago when my youngest two kids were in a bad situation and I felt powerless to change it, I called a wise lady who said to get down on my knees and ask God to show me what I could do that day to make their situation better.  Guess what?!  That works.  Every day I came up with something to do that made it better and eventually made it a whole lot better.  I am never really totally powerless.  I just imagine I am.

Changing Emily

Okay.  I've had it with Emily.  She is depressed and cranky.  I'll check with my friend, Karen, who says she has the world's best poetry book.  Since I wasn't reading poetry at the time, I didn't get the information about it from her.  But now I'm ready for something more uplifting.  Here's the last one of Emily's I've read.  Not too depressing but definitely cranky:

Much madness is divinest sense
To a discerning eye;
Much sense the starkest madness.
'Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevails.
Assent, and you are sane;
Demur, - you're straightway dangerous,
And handled with a chain.

Poems

I've embarked on several "30 day challenges" that are ideas for bumping up quality of life.  I love poetry but rarely read it because it seems to me that reading poetry should be reserved for times when I've finished all the important stuff.  I was taught this way of doing things (do the drudgery first and then the fun), and I've been working at escaping from it ever since.  So I've started reading at least one poem a day starting with Emily Dickinson.  She wasn't the most positive, inspiring writer of all time but I still love her.  This poem perfectly describes how I felt during the most painful periods of my life:

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

I think it always seems as if pain has no beginning and no ending.  Another reason to stick close to spiritual advisors who will remind you that it will end - and more quickly if you don't try to avoid it.

Pix:

Farmer's market - very hot so not very many people.

A friend invited me to a Rotary Club fundraiser at the Outback.  Good lunch, good company.  I learned that the fundraiser was for school supplies for kids in two Tulsa schools.  Rotary also funds an international initiative to eradicate polio as well as an international initiative to train people in their mid-careers on conflict resolution.  I think they have schools in about 10 countries.

This picture is in my office as well as on the walls of a lot of AA clubhouses.  This one is in the little room where a group of us do a book study.  It says, "Should I forget the misery and the pain of where I've been, Remind me, God so I might not return there again."  Good prayer.

Here are some of the love gifts I found at Tuesday morning.  I love butterfly gifts for Heart to Heart.  They symbolize transformation (from a caterpillar to a butterfly) that takes place on that weekend.

Both of the counselors I've seen in the past six years have had beautiful spaces to sit and talk.

Hunger

I can't remember how I ran across Geneen Roth's books.  But the more I read the more I learned.  I don't believe I'm technically an overeater although I'm over weight, but Geneen doesn't talk about that.  She talks about how our concerns with body weight and appearance have taught us to treat our bodies like naughty children and thus lose touch with what it's like to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. 

Babies and young children know when they're hungry and when they've had enough.  I used to know.  When I was a heavy smoker, I ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted and how ever much I wanted and stayed skinny.  Then when I quit smoking I immediately gained a lot of weight and started dieting.  That in turn led to my gaining more and more weight.  At the age of 70, it's not that easy to lose weight.  So I decided to try Geneen's way.  At first I gained, then I started losing.  I've lost about 10 lbs but stopped losing.  It's hard trying to remember to pay attention and eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.  I've had a lot of practice eating when it's time to eat and eating whatever I serve myself or whatever they serve me in restaurants.  But since I initially lost some excess fat, I'm going to keep going.

Hope

I started college after I was an adult - almost forty to be exact.  One of my first teachers was a guy with a unique teaching style.  He taught humanities - literature, film, art, etc., and he simply introduced us to various things and asked that we write about our impressions.  No tests, essays, etc.  One of the areas he taught was poetry which I had absolutely no interest in.  I couldn't see the point - it all seemed obscure for no reason.  He said that poetry wasn't supposed to be "understood."  That good poetry simply evoked universal images in the minds of readers.  This fascinated me and I started reading and writing poetry pretty much constantly.  In recent years, all that has gone by the wayside in favor of more practical ways to use my time and energy. 

Resting, for me, has become a necessary activity usually accompanied by mindless television.  The practical ways I use my time and energy usually mean feeding myself, caring for the living beings in my household and taking care of my environment.  I run out of energy quickly and so I rest a lot.  Nevertheless, even mindless television can sometimes wake me up to other ways of living.  Yesterday one of the characters in a show quoted one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems that expresses the central idea that informs my life:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

Cisco

I didn't name my cat - he came with that name.  He doesn't answer to it so he probably doesn't regard it as his name.  I call him sugar booger.  There's a long story about how we came to have him, but it's not that interesting so I'll just say that he's a rescue cat and an odd one.  He has a very fast heartbeat, weighs almost nothing (he looks like he's almost starved if you look at him from the top), can't purr because of an injury to his neck and has the worst breath you can imagine.  He's also the most loving cat I've ever known.  I tell people he's on a mission to love as many people as he possibly can - he works really hard at it.  Since I'm often the only one here, he showers love on me every day.  He joins me in my morning meditation and his sweet spirit lifts mine. 

A few weeks ago he stopped grooming himself and began to look really scruffy.  At the same time he started peeing in places besides his cat box and drinking out of dishes soaking in the sink.  So I took him to the vet because I though he was sick.  The diagnosis?  He's old.  The vet said that sometimes when cats get old they get eccentric and want their potty boxes to be pristine before they use them, their water changed every day or more, and someone else (me) to groom them.  So...I am now the faithful servant of my sweet spirited companion.  He expects me to get to work the minute I get up.  He looks at me expectantly as I pour my first cup of coffee.  He is willing to put up with my having two cups before he gets insistent.  If I don't get to work right then, he just heaves a sigh (figuratively) and goes back to bed to wait for me to remember my duties.  I usually change his water and clean his potty box first.  Then I wipe him down with a "cat wipe" (did you know there were such things - I got them at Petsmart) and then brush him thoroughly.  As I write this he is sitting patiently at my feet waiting, so I have to go...

Pix

Pictures of my bouquets followed by a picture of Beverly and a friend whose name I do not know.  Beverly annoys me with how good she constantly looks.

Kristin in the playroom at Lynn's doctor's office.  Below - me and David.  I used to work with him many years ago and he turned up again.

Chuck is cutting limbs off the my tree in the backyard - the last storm tore it up pretty good.

I tied the left over balloons from my birthday party in the storage room.  They're still looking kind of good.  It's still a party!

Power Comes with Guidance

In my recovery program we are taught to pray for God's will and the power to carry it out (and pray for nothing else).  I do that every day, but it seems to me that I don't always get the power to carry it out.  Yesterday one of my meditation readings basically said that when we're guessing what God's will is, we don't always get the power to carry it out.  That may be because it isn't God's will.  Interesting.  Of course, this business of discerning God's will is very tricky.  Some of the world's greatest villains have said they were listening to the voice of God.  For sure, though, I can pretty much count on getting the power to carry something out if it's loving and respectful to both myself and others. 

365 Project

I really miss being in the habit of taking a picture every day.  That habit helped me look around me every day to find something worth taking a picture of.  I was ever so much aware of my surroundings.  Since I've been missing that habit, I've been telling myself that I can still take a picture when I see something worth it.  Once in  awhile I do, but mostly I don't.  So, I'm starting another 365 project today with the intention of seeing the interesting things I come across.  Probably I will take some boring, no good pictures but so what.

Rain

In Oklahoma when the drought ends, it's not with a gentle rain.  It started on Saturday with high winds, hail and power outages and continued through this week.  Right now there's incredible thunder and lightning although it doesn't seem like there's any high wind.  Many, many trees in my neighborhood and all over the city have bitten the dust.  The sound of chain saws has replaced the sound of birds.  One day we got almost 5 inches of rain in one day. Of course, with the rain, temperatures are lower which is wonderful.  Who would have thought that 96 degrees would feel cool!  Lots of drama with the weather this summer. 

Sometimes it seems to me that the drama us humans create on the planet (in my opinion, totally unnecessarily), is accompanied by dramatic weather.  It occurs to me almost every day that at my age, I'm not going to see the end of it.  All I can really accomplish is to increase the peace within myself and share that with whoever wants it.

Greed and Fear and Finance

I've been watching the stock market go nuts.  Since I don't invest in the stock market because I think it's just about guessing which way the sheep will run, I'm not personally affected.  I took a tiny bit of time to check in with CNN and Fox to see what they were saying about what was going on.  All I heard was the blame game and guesses as to why what was happening was happening.

I would love to see some psychologists make a study of what drives investors to buy or sell.  I'm guessing it's not about the logical, rational stuff the media thinks it is.  I'm guessing it's more about emotions like fear and character defects like greed.  When the market is going up, people buy stock (greed), and when it's going down, people panic and sell stock (which makes prices go down more).  What's goofy about it is that people who make money buy stock when prices are low and sell when they're going up.  That's the rational thing to do but since fear and greed seem to be the motivators...

Appreciation

A short, but typically Oklahoma thunderstorm came through just as my friend and I finished eating all we could at Golden Corral (I want to move in there so I can just keep eating).  Short, powerful wind bursts and little penny-sized hail, lots of rumbling thunder and bright lightening.  As we drove home, we saw trees, branches, a bus bench and various pieces of trash on the street.  At my house all that was blown down was a few tree limbs but my power was out.  So I sat on my front porch in my porch swing until my tail got numb.  Then I went and got an egg crate and sat on that while I watched it get dark and the solar lights come on in my yard and the neighbors' yards.  There was a breeze which, since I have a lot of windchimes hanging on my front porch, created music to go with the coolness.  Unfortunately I eventually had to go to bed in my very warm house but managed to eventually go to sleep until the power suddenly came on (does it ever come on slowly?) at 2:30 a.m.  I once again was grateful for electricity and went back to sleep without the icepack I went to sleep with.

Cool

It's over 110 today.  It was 117 Wednesday of last week.  I've taken to skipping my morning chores and dashing out the door before 8:00 a.m. so that I can run my errands before the pavement starts steaming.  I see by the weather report that it's supposed to get down into the 90s in a few days.  I'm ready.  I'm noticing that I'm not that upset about the heat.  I don't like it, but I'm just basically indifferent to the weather.  Basic problem solving:  Park in the shade.  Crack a window.  Put up the sun shade.  Take an ice pack to put on my neck when I have to get back in a hot car.  Turn the fans on.  Go places where I can park close and not have to walk far in the sun. 

It was Farmer's Market day and I got there about 7:45 a.m.  It wasn't that well attended - too hot already.  But to my surprise the vendors had more to sell than I thought they would.  Lots of tomatoes and okra.  A few green beans.  Lots of yellow squash and zucchini.  I was thrilled to find some summer vegetables even though the weather is like living in a desert than in a place where things grow. 

In this last leg of my journey, I am determined to enjoy absolutely everything I possibly can.  Even the blistering hot weather.

How Not to be a Doormat without being a Bitch

I think I will write a book with the above title.  It will, of course, be only for women.  I don't think men would relate.  I know from what men tell me that they do worry about being a doormat.   And it's been my observation that they worry incessantly about being controlled by women.  Sometimes it has seemed to me that just asking a guy to change something triggered his fear of being controlled and so he just went into automatic pilot and refused on principle.  Made me nuts.  I told my dearly beloved husband that I thought he didn't feel like a real man unless some woman somewhere was mad at him.  He didn't deny it - he said he thought I might have something there.  I knew I did.  But the guys don't seem to worry about being a bitch or a sonofa...  In fact they seem to collect points for being "tough" (hard to get along with).

On the other hand, us girls seem to want to please (doormat?), until we don't, and then we blow up (bitch?).  I'm guessing - from my own experience and from talking to other women - that our minds seem to be set in a way - maybe by mother nature - to be kind and nurturing.  We feel guilty if we are some other way - which we frequently are.  Being a doormat used to make me really angry which led to throwing big fits.  Finally I've learned that giving in to someone else's wishes doesn't make me a doormat unless I'm going to come to some harm by doing so.  Other people don't know what I want unless I speak up.  But asking for what I want is way different from throwing a fit.  There a million different ways to deal with people who don't want to do what I've asked for - and, of course, acceptance is one way.  Sometimes, however, it's necessary to do something else.

One of my favorite memories is of one of my ex-husbands building a fire in a fireplace that was a gas fireplace.  Sparks and smoke came through cracks in the upstairs closet because the fireplace wasn't built to have a real fire in it.  I carefully explained that fact, but it made no difference.  Then I began throwing fits because I was so afraid the house was going to catch on fire.  Now that I've learned that taking care of problems myself is sometimes the only answer, I would just call the fire department.  I don't think I would be that popular with the person building the fires if I did that, but I would not be a doormat and I would not be a bitch.

Purpose

I spent yesterday reading back through my journal beginning in January 2011 through July 2011.  It really was a daylong process - my rear end actually started to get numb from sitting still so long, and I haven't had that problem since spending months on end in a wheelchair.  My goal was to see what progress I had made on my priorities. 

For most of my life, I was driven by necessity and urgency.  I always ran out of energy before I got to the end of the urgent necessities and so lived with fear and guilt.  I got a lot better in that department after I got into recovery, but I never really figured out what came first.  I remember having company over for dinner and falling asleep in my chair after dinner because I was so exhausted from the preparations.  One year my husband decided we should never again have Thanksgiving dinner at our house because after everyone left I was so shaky with exhaustion I could barely walk.  In this part of my journey, I was still learning my limitations.

Finally I figured out - with the help of the principles of the program - that knowing what my purpose is is the key.  At first my purpose was to get well enough to kind of function normally.  Then my purpose became to be a reasonably responsible adult.  Then the evolution of my recovery led me to a purpose of spiritual growth.  At the same time I was working at a job that was so demanding that I felt like I was working 24 hours a day while coping with my husband's very serious illness.  My purpose of spiritual growth gave me the tools to love my husband and my job.  This part of my journey was about acceptance of reality and doing my best within my limitations even if it wasn't perfect.

Now I'm in the last leg of my journey.  My purpose in this phase is to stay as healthy and functional as I can while continuing to grow spiritually.  Part of growing spiritually is to find ways to share what I've learned.  But for the past almost six years, my purpose was to get as well as I could and I think I'm pretty much there.  So now I'm back to learning my limitations and accepting reality.  I have goofy goals like increasing the number of times I am able to get up before 8:00 a.m. so that I have the most amount of time to do the things that matter the most before I poop out.  Some of the others are to eat well, exercise and write, as well as make time for my spiritual practices.   Some of these are going better than others.  For example, in January and February I was up before 8:00 a.m. three times, but in the last three months I've averaged about 20 times.  On the other hand, I've exercised zero times in the last month, but in February, March, April and May I averaged twice a week.  Sometimes I go backward instead of forward, but I've learned to accept that about myself and just keep on keeping on.

 I also have my dear companion cat to care for and that gets more involved as he gets older.  I work with a number of people in the program and although that's time and energy consuming, it also increases my own growth exponentially.  All in all I was pleased with my progress report, and am ready for increasing my progress. 

Pics

Montana golden rod.  Smells as pretty as it looks.

Motel in Billings, Montana.  Flew into Billings because there are no airports anywhere near Lame Deer.

Close up of the gorgeous petunias at the Billings motel.

Horse at the Billings airport.  Not real, of course.  Why is there a horse at the airport?

Here's the only pic that came out that I took at my birthday bash (celebration of decrepitude).  After this one is my birthday at the family birthday - both my grandsons and mine.  We're at Olive Garden and I'm eating who knows what.  After that is a picture of my dentist's garden outside his office.  I want one like that at my house.

I want a lavender garden like this one in my yard instead of a neighbor's yard.