There are a lot of us humans that think we are the smartest person in the room wherever we go. It may be an illusion or it may be the truth. The thing is that thinking that is a huge hazard! What happens is that we begin to think everyone else is stupid and then the way we interact with them is condescending. That does NOT make us popular.
I know a lot about this problem since I was told over and over as a kid that my best trait was that I was smart. Somehow I translated that to mean that I was smarter than everybody else. I was wrong about that, for sure. Plus I learned that people are at different levels of smartness, but everybody knows and understands stuff that other people don't. I've also learned to be patient with the other smartest people in the room who are shocked to find out that I don't know as much as they do.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Don't Believe Everything You Hear
One of the things that really bothers me as I get older is how much stuff people believe that I'm fairly sure is not true. This is especially true in politics - if my side says something bad about the other side, it must be true, right? Not really. However, the number of things that are not true that many, many people believe range far beyond politics. Some things become "common knowledge." People say, "Everybody knows that!"
Since I have two adult children in my life that are cognitively disabled (used to be called mental retardation but it was changed because "retard" became such a bad word that was used to hurt people), I've heard a bunch of stuff that's supposedly "common knowledge." For example, there are a lot of people in the medical profession and even people who work in the field who believe that people who are cognitively disabled don't feel physical pain like the rest of us. I don't know about other people, but my adult children feel pain just like anyone else and have suffered a lot at the hands of people who believed they didn't need pain medication. I've heard a lot of other very bad stuff too that I'm not going to repeat. Most of it is designed to make people afraid of people with disabilities.
I think the root of these beliefs came from a belief system that was common in the first half of the 20th century. When I was in college, some class I was in had a book that mentioned "eugenics." When I read about it, I thought, "Boy those people sure were stupid to believe that stuff. Glad no one believes that now." Basically, eugenics was a belief and a movement that people could be bred like animals - and by doing so "defective people" could be eliminated. The list of defective people went on and on - people (children) with disabilties especially those with cognitive disabilities, people with mental illness, Native Americans, African Americans, immigrants from Ireland, Italy, etc.; people who were convicted of a crime, alcoholics and addicts, poor people. How the movement functioned to eliminate these people from the population was to sterilize both men and women. The media worked to educate the public to report and/or capture children and adults and turn them in to be locked up and sterilized.
Good grief! How could this have happened in the 20th Century? I have no idea. In fact, Oklahoma still had a sterilization program for Native American women in the 1960s. These practices are not so far away in time. I would have thought that this stuff would have to be carried out on the fringes of society but the Rockefeller Foundation funded a lot of it, Winston Churchill was a proponent. Also, Margaret Sanger and Theodore Roosevelt were proponents in the United States. Oklahoma was the 30th state to pass a law mandating compulsory sterilization and institutionalization for "undesirables." Sterilizations were carried out at the "Institution for the Feebleminded" in Enid, Oklahoma (a facility that still exists) and at the McAlester State Prison (also still in existence). According to statistics kept by the federal Indian Health Care system, in the 1970s there were more sterilizations of Native American women than there were births at the Claremore Indian Hospital.
It's not a surprise that Hitler in Nazi Germany took up the crusade - he loved eugenics. Of course, that led to the rounding up of Jews AND people with disabilities, gypsies, people in prisons, etc. and getting rid of them in gas chambers. He was "purifying the Aryan race." A lot of people in the rest of the world talk about this as a horrible, evil thing that Hitler did and how he must have been both evil and crazy and how awful it was that the people of Germany went along with it. The thing is, right here in the United States of America we did something similar for half a century. Odd how since World War II no one even mentions the eugenics movement. However, I can see every day by how people talk about people with disabilities and minorities that there are still a lot of people who regard these groups as "defective." It isn't that far a jump to start allowing people to die without medical treatment,etc.
The conclusion I reach is that I'm not believing the latest "scientific" research or philosophy, no matter how famous and credible it's proponents. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt.
Since I have two adult children in my life that are cognitively disabled (used to be called mental retardation but it was changed because "retard" became such a bad word that was used to hurt people), I've heard a bunch of stuff that's supposedly "common knowledge." For example, there are a lot of people in the medical profession and even people who work in the field who believe that people who are cognitively disabled don't feel physical pain like the rest of us. I don't know about other people, but my adult children feel pain just like anyone else and have suffered a lot at the hands of people who believed they didn't need pain medication. I've heard a lot of other very bad stuff too that I'm not going to repeat. Most of it is designed to make people afraid of people with disabilities.
I think the root of these beliefs came from a belief system that was common in the first half of the 20th century. When I was in college, some class I was in had a book that mentioned "eugenics." When I read about it, I thought, "Boy those people sure were stupid to believe that stuff. Glad no one believes that now." Basically, eugenics was a belief and a movement that people could be bred like animals - and by doing so "defective people" could be eliminated. The list of defective people went on and on - people (children) with disabilties especially those with cognitive disabilities, people with mental illness, Native Americans, African Americans, immigrants from Ireland, Italy, etc.; people who were convicted of a crime, alcoholics and addicts, poor people. How the movement functioned to eliminate these people from the population was to sterilize both men and women. The media worked to educate the public to report and/or capture children and adults and turn them in to be locked up and sterilized.
Good grief! How could this have happened in the 20th Century? I have no idea. In fact, Oklahoma still had a sterilization program for Native American women in the 1960s. These practices are not so far away in time. I would have thought that this stuff would have to be carried out on the fringes of society but the Rockefeller Foundation funded a lot of it, Winston Churchill was a proponent. Also, Margaret Sanger and Theodore Roosevelt were proponents in the United States. Oklahoma was the 30th state to pass a law mandating compulsory sterilization and institutionalization for "undesirables." Sterilizations were carried out at the "Institution for the Feebleminded" in Enid, Oklahoma (a facility that still exists) and at the McAlester State Prison (also still in existence). According to statistics kept by the federal Indian Health Care system, in the 1970s there were more sterilizations of Native American women than there were births at the Claremore Indian Hospital.
It's not a surprise that Hitler in Nazi Germany took up the crusade - he loved eugenics. Of course, that led to the rounding up of Jews AND people with disabilities, gypsies, people in prisons, etc. and getting rid of them in gas chambers. He was "purifying the Aryan race." A lot of people in the rest of the world talk about this as a horrible, evil thing that Hitler did and how he must have been both evil and crazy and how awful it was that the people of Germany went along with it. The thing is, right here in the United States of America we did something similar for half a century. Odd how since World War II no one even mentions the eugenics movement. However, I can see every day by how people talk about people with disabilities and minorities that there are still a lot of people who regard these groups as "defective." It isn't that far a jump to start allowing people to die without medical treatment,etc.
The conclusion I reach is that I'm not believing the latest "scientific" research or philosophy, no matter how famous and credible it's proponents. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wedding Pix
Rehearsal Dinner
Vietnamese tradition - the groom's family gives the bride's family a pig. Here it is - ready to be eaten!
Dad and groom
Rebecca, groom's sister, bride's mom and sister plus groom's grandad and wife in the background.
Bride's sister and boyfriend with bride's mom in the background taking a picture.
Rebecca and Jeremy
Groom, bride's mom and bride.
Groom's brother and date
Groom's brother looking sad because it's sparkling cider and not champagne
Pig after dinner.
Lynn, Uncle Sam and Anita waiting for the ceremony. Uncle Mike looking at the door waiting for the wedding party to come out.
And here they come - Aaron, best man, Steve, Liz (groom's mom) escorting the groom.
Bridesmaids looking for the bride
Groom and chaplain waiting for the bride.
And the bride made it!
Moms
Jeremy and Bec
Bride and groom eating the fabuloous food.
And a good time was had by everyone!!!
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Pix
Above - picture of the podium and stage at the Springtime in the Ozarks conference. Very dramatic and suited for the dramatic story that followed.
View from the balcony outside our room in Eureka.
My friend, Phyllis, had a coupon for this Jamaican restaurant.
My hydrangea bush is blooming.
Stew with ground chicken. Never made this stew with ground chicken before, but it's pretty good.
Monday, May 07, 2012
Anniversaries
April, May and June of each year are full of anniversaries of some of the worst tragedies I've experienced. Some years I do better than others with those times. I've worked through the feelings, done the grief work and still sometimes my body remembers anyway. This has been one of those years for remembering things I don't usually have occasion to think about.
In April of 1976 my grandmother and mother were killed in a tornado. For some reason, this year the memories that came to me were of how my youngest son and daughter, who are very severely disabled, reacted to being left with strangers while we went to my dad after the tornado. Both of them came to me through the foster care system and never really left. I knew that when they arrived at my house. The placement was supposed to be temporary but due to their disabilities, I knew they weren't going anywhere. By the time of the tornado, they had been with me most of their lives. My daughter stayed with friends and my son had to go to Children's Medical Center. Both of them were unbelievabley difficult to care for so we were lucky to have had any options for them. Both of them were about four years old at the time.
While we were gone, one of our friends who also had a child with severe disabilities, called to tell us that our daughter had laid down in her bed with her eyes closed and would not respond, not even to eat. She said that she had been that way for three days and thought we should come back. So my husband jumped in the car and went back. When he got there, he just picked her up. She immediately opened her eyes. He fed her and held her and when she was back to herself, he returned to my dad's. Apparently, she did fine after that. She just needed the reassurance that we had not left her forever.
When we returned from being with my dad, I picked our son up from Children's Medical Center. He was very quiet on the way home. I carried him into the house and set him down on the kitchen floor just inside the back door. He immediately lay down on the floor and began to cry softly. He just lay there for almost an hour, crying softly - I think with relief because he was finally home. He too probably thought he had been deserted forever.
Both of these two are now 40 years old and I am always aware of my responsibility for them. for the past 20 years they have lived with roommates in homes in the community with 24 hour staff assistance. Their disabilities make them vulnerable in the world and the only consistent person they have in their lives to look out for their safely and well being is me. Sometimes that responsibility is heavy and I would rather skip some of the things that need to be done. But I always remember that my daughter tried to die when she thought we had deserted her and my son could not stop crying with relief for an hour after he came home.
In April of 1976 my grandmother and mother were killed in a tornado. For some reason, this year the memories that came to me were of how my youngest son and daughter, who are very severely disabled, reacted to being left with strangers while we went to my dad after the tornado. Both of them came to me through the foster care system and never really left. I knew that when they arrived at my house. The placement was supposed to be temporary but due to their disabilities, I knew they weren't going anywhere. By the time of the tornado, they had been with me most of their lives. My daughter stayed with friends and my son had to go to Children's Medical Center. Both of them were unbelievabley difficult to care for so we were lucky to have had any options for them. Both of them were about four years old at the time.
While we were gone, one of our friends who also had a child with severe disabilities, called to tell us that our daughter had laid down in her bed with her eyes closed and would not respond, not even to eat. She said that she had been that way for three days and thought we should come back. So my husband jumped in the car and went back. When he got there, he just picked her up. She immediately opened her eyes. He fed her and held her and when she was back to herself, he returned to my dad's. Apparently, she did fine after that. She just needed the reassurance that we had not left her forever.
When we returned from being with my dad, I picked our son up from Children's Medical Center. He was very quiet on the way home. I carried him into the house and set him down on the kitchen floor just inside the back door. He immediately lay down on the floor and began to cry softly. He just lay there for almost an hour, crying softly - I think with relief because he was finally home. He too probably thought he had been deserted forever.
Both of these two are now 40 years old and I am always aware of my responsibility for them. for the past 20 years they have lived with roommates in homes in the community with 24 hour staff assistance. Their disabilities make them vulnerable in the world and the only consistent person they have in their lives to look out for their safely and well being is me. Sometimes that responsibility is heavy and I would rather skip some of the things that need to be done. But I always remember that my daughter tried to die when she thought we had deserted her and my son could not stop crying with relief for an hour after he came home.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Rules
It occurred to me the other day that I should write a book called, "Rules I'm Never Going to Follow Again." At age 70 I'm pretty sure I'm done with a lot of them. Of course, I'm still going to stop at stoplights, use my turn signal (follow traffic laws). I'm still going to follow most of the laws of courtesy - basically they're just about caring about other people - not a bad thing at all. However I no longer think I have to wear make up when going out in public. I no longer comb my hair more than once a day. I don't have summer and winter clothes - I wear the same stuff year round. I buy very comfortable clothes so that they can double as pajamas. (I know. That's really terrible. That means I sometimes am too lazy to put on pajamas. OMG!) I don't like traditional breakfast foods so I often eat spagetti, pizza, salad, hamburgers, hot dogs and other lunch type stuff for breakfast. What's the big deal? My sleeping patterns have been messed up for years so I sleep at odd times. Whatever.
I hate business meetings so I never go to them anymore. I've been boycotting funerals unless I think they're going to be the kind I like where they just talk about the person or I need to be there for support for the person's family. Otherwise I generally don't like funerals so I don't go. On the other hand I go to every wedding I'm invited to - I might even start crashing them. They're usually fun. I feel that way even though I've decided that no one should get married unles they're prepared to accept the other person exactly as they are.
Well, that's just a few of the rules I'm not following anymore. When the book is published, I'll post where it can be purchased.
I hate business meetings so I never go to them anymore. I've been boycotting funerals unless I think they're going to be the kind I like where they just talk about the person or I need to be there for support for the person's family. Otherwise I generally don't like funerals so I don't go. On the other hand I go to every wedding I'm invited to - I might even start crashing them. They're usually fun. I feel that way even though I've decided that no one should get married unles they're prepared to accept the other person exactly as they are.
Well, that's just a few of the rules I'm not following anymore. When the book is published, I'll post where it can be purchased.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Fun
Just came back from the Eureka Springs, Springtime in the Ozarks conference. The weather was lovely and the speakers were entertaining and very helpful. I laughed and laughed at the speaker on Saturday night. He said that meditation was not "extra credit" in working the program - it's in the steps so we're supposed to do it. He said meditation had taught him that he was not his thoughts. He said that people sometimes believed that their thoughts were enemies since acting on their thoughts often got them in trouble. No, he said, it's not that our thoughts are enemies - they're trying to help us but they're just stupid is all. Boy has that ever been true for me.
This was the first time I'd been to the conference since the wreck. For several years I didn't want to go because I thought going would trigger grief. Ron and I were married there in 1986 and went to the conference every year but one after that until his death. We thought Eureka was our town - just made for us and we went there a whole lot in between conferences. We shopped, ate and walked. My whole house is decorated with stuff we got in Eureka Springs. I got my beloved bubble machine there. This year when I thought about going to the conference I didn't have the feeling that I would grieve there and I didn't. It was like coming home to a place that has always been filled with joy for me.
Thanks to my friend and roommate for making the drive and helping me get around and thanks to one of Ron's friends who gave me a ride on his motorcycle up the hill from the conference. I know my truma surgeon would have a fit, but it also felt good to be back on a bike!
This was the first time I'd been to the conference since the wreck. For several years I didn't want to go because I thought going would trigger grief. Ron and I were married there in 1986 and went to the conference every year but one after that until his death. We thought Eureka was our town - just made for us and we went there a whole lot in between conferences. We shopped, ate and walked. My whole house is decorated with stuff we got in Eureka Springs. I got my beloved bubble machine there. This year when I thought about going to the conference I didn't have the feeling that I would grieve there and I didn't. It was like coming home to a place that has always been filled with joy for me.
Thanks to my friend and roommate for making the drive and helping me get around and thanks to one of Ron's friends who gave me a ride on his motorcycle up the hill from the conference. I know my truma surgeon would have a fit, but it also felt good to be back on a bike!
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Precious Gift of Serenity
Two weeks before the end of February I had my two week detox from the prison of the to do list I've lived in all my life. I didn't kick it out of my life forever; I just quit making one for two weeks. That eliminated the anxiety of trying to figure out what to do first and thinking that I had to do everything on it all at once or I was a failure. Of course, I didn't rationally believe any of that, but some part of me kept on trying to make me believe it. It was a weird two weeks. I was just trying to get in touch with my intuition so as to be able to use that as my guide rather than my ego. I was more peaceful but certainly more discombobulated.
Then I immediately went into the inner ear mess where I was completely disfunctional for over a month. Boy oh boy did things ever get piled up. So now I'm digging out. Had to get an extension on my taxes. My bookkeeping was two months behind. Plus I hadn't written a word in I don't know when. I had started on a major cleanout of closets, cabinets and drawers and was right in the beginning stages of that. Without the detox from the to do list I would have been in a quandry at this point. But I'm not. I just do two or three things a day and then rest. If I feel like more I do more. If I don't, I don't.
Several months ago I started re-reading The Artist's Way as a way of breaking out of the writing slump I was in. One of the major things it recommends is something called "morning pages" which is three pages written every morning in long hand just as quickly as possible. The idea is to empty out all the thoughts that are in the way of the right brain which is the creative side of the brain. I started the writing back at the end of December and have been fairly diligent since. I've missed some days but the majority of the time I write. I have been amazed at the crap that spills out of my head. The longer I do the writing, the more quickly I get to the right side of my brain that's the part that tells me what I really want to do with the precious moments of each day.
Then I immediately went into the inner ear mess where I was completely disfunctional for over a month. Boy oh boy did things ever get piled up. So now I'm digging out. Had to get an extension on my taxes. My bookkeeping was two months behind. Plus I hadn't written a word in I don't know when. I had started on a major cleanout of closets, cabinets and drawers and was right in the beginning stages of that. Without the detox from the to do list I would have been in a quandry at this point. But I'm not. I just do two or three things a day and then rest. If I feel like more I do more. If I don't, I don't.
Several months ago I started re-reading The Artist's Way as a way of breaking out of the writing slump I was in. One of the major things it recommends is something called "morning pages" which is three pages written every morning in long hand just as quickly as possible. The idea is to empty out all the thoughts that are in the way of the right brain which is the creative side of the brain. I started the writing back at the end of December and have been fairly diligent since. I've missed some days but the majority of the time I write. I have been amazed at the crap that spills out of my head. The longer I do the writing, the more quickly I get to the right side of my brain that's the part that tells me what I really want to do with the precious moments of each day.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Pix
Kooper is playing with his toy.
Caryn did my spring pedicure!!!!
Judy did my spring haircut.
A birdfeeder the squirrels can't figure out.
A very weird tree.
The wildflower garden is growing! Thank you, Aaron and Tammy (Tammy made a fence for it so the dogs wouldn't dig it up.).
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Addiction to Being Right
It's election time again which means the media is going crazy looking for stuff to report on that makes somebody look stupid and wrong - either side will do. I don't blame the media because it the way politics works these days which in turn in a reflection of how the whole culture functions.
I talk to enough people on a daily basis that are trying hard to correct their thinking so that they can have some peace of mind and peace with other people to notice how pervasively we all seem to work at "being right." Most of the stuff they talk about is how somebody else is wrong and how pissed off they are about it. I'm almost always completely amazed by how ridiculous their stories are. They guess at what other people's motives are and get mad at what they guessed. The behavior they report is usually neutral unless the motive for it is part of it. Plus they are not actually impacted by the behavior at all. They're just mad because the person is "wrong." Totally goofy. The whole thing deserved no attention whatever.
I'm just guessing, but it seems likely to me that when we're feeling bad about ourselves, we look around for someone who's "wrong" and that makes us feel better - eventually leading to a deep seated addiction to taking offense at things that are completely unimportant because it makes us feel "right."
What I'm doing about my own tendency to do this is to use the 10th Step to root out anything I'm kicking myself for and doing what I can to correct it with the help of God. Then I try to turn my attention to enjoyable and wonderful things. Right now I am reading a poem every day and reading about poetry. I used to write poetry all the time and I'm going to start writing in a few days. This is a lot more entertaining than wondering if I should get mad at somebody for something.
I talk to enough people on a daily basis that are trying hard to correct their thinking so that they can have some peace of mind and peace with other people to notice how pervasively we all seem to work at "being right." Most of the stuff they talk about is how somebody else is wrong and how pissed off they are about it. I'm almost always completely amazed by how ridiculous their stories are. They guess at what other people's motives are and get mad at what they guessed. The behavior they report is usually neutral unless the motive for it is part of it. Plus they are not actually impacted by the behavior at all. They're just mad because the person is "wrong." Totally goofy. The whole thing deserved no attention whatever.
I'm just guessing, but it seems likely to me that when we're feeling bad about ourselves, we look around for someone who's "wrong" and that makes us feel better - eventually leading to a deep seated addiction to taking offense at things that are completely unimportant because it makes us feel "right."
What I'm doing about my own tendency to do this is to use the 10th Step to root out anything I'm kicking myself for and doing what I can to correct it with the help of God. Then I try to turn my attention to enjoyable and wonderful things. Right now I am reading a poem every day and reading about poetry. I used to write poetry all the time and I'm going to start writing in a few days. This is a lot more entertaining than wondering if I should get mad at somebody for something.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
FLOW
In order to have an enjoyable life, the author of FLOW believes (based on research), we need to discipline our minds to focus on the present and on the activities we've chosen. The author says that left to itself, our mind will just wander around and eventually focus on thoughts that carry the biggest charge of energy - which in almost all cases is whatever randomly shows up that's negative. Our minds have evolved to protect us from danger so naturally run to the negative. Unfortunately since we are not living with saber toothed tigers, this negative thinking is mostly not helpful - in fact, it's very UNhelpful.
According to the author, most of our addictive type activities: drugs, alcohol, work, tv watching, etc. are designed to stop our minds from running to the negative. Of course, there are big downsides to these efforts. A much better way is to systematically train ourselves to think about - for the lack of a better word - our goals. The author isn't very happy with the word, "goal" because it's associated with the extrinsic rather than intrinsic. He means activities and goals we have chosen strictly for ourselves rather than the objectives the culture determines for us. The structure of goals we chose for ourselves decides what our lives will be about and how much we will enjoy our lives. The research shows that when people are focused on the activities that will move them toward the goals they have for their lives, they are happy. In the beginning, of course, these goals will usually be focused on the material as we establish ourselves as adults in the world, then many people will focus on the larger framework of the community and finally, the happiest people will work toward developing their talents.
The author is really unhappy about the direction our culture has taken in downgrading "amateur" hobbies. He says that it's a shame that one's "hobby" is not considered important unless one makes money from it (which entitles one to be called, professional). It's his contention that it used to be more common than it is now, that people sang in "amateur" choirs and choruses, played musical instruments in local bands and orchestras, painted, sculpted, wrote poetry, studied history for their own interest, etc. Now, he says, people look down on those who do so. In his opinion, if you have talents, you should develop them. If you have interests, you should study. What matters is that by developing yourself as a human being, you will have optimal experiences, which even if those experiences give joy only to you, the world will still have one more joyful person in it.
According to the author, most of our addictive type activities: drugs, alcohol, work, tv watching, etc. are designed to stop our minds from running to the negative. Of course, there are big downsides to these efforts. A much better way is to systematically train ourselves to think about - for the lack of a better word - our goals. The author isn't very happy with the word, "goal" because it's associated with the extrinsic rather than intrinsic. He means activities and goals we have chosen strictly for ourselves rather than the objectives the culture determines for us. The structure of goals we chose for ourselves decides what our lives will be about and how much we will enjoy our lives. The research shows that when people are focused on the activities that will move them toward the goals they have for their lives, they are happy. In the beginning, of course, these goals will usually be focused on the material as we establish ourselves as adults in the world, then many people will focus on the larger framework of the community and finally, the happiest people will work toward developing their talents.
The author is really unhappy about the direction our culture has taken in downgrading "amateur" hobbies. He says that it's a shame that one's "hobby" is not considered important unless one makes money from it (which entitles one to be called, professional). It's his contention that it used to be more common than it is now, that people sang in "amateur" choirs and choruses, played musical instruments in local bands and orchestras, painted, sculpted, wrote poetry, studied history for their own interest, etc. Now, he says, people look down on those who do so. In his opinion, if you have talents, you should develop them. If you have interests, you should study. What matters is that by developing yourself as a human being, you will have optimal experiences, which even if those experiences give joy only to you, the world will still have one more joyful person in it.
Monday, April 09, 2012
FLOW
After reading the books on shame, I started reading a book called, "FLOW: The Psychology of Optimal Experience." It seems to me that it's about how to be happy. No airy, fairy philosophy stuff - evidence-based (research) on what makes people happy.
One of the ways they researched was, they had all kinds of people carry pagers around, and the researchers paged them at random times. Then the folks filled out forms on what they were doing and how they were feeling. From that information they extrapolated what seemed to be consistently useful in making people happy. It turned out that pleasure and leisure were not the answer to happiness. What was the answer is a lot more complicated and harder to describe.
The psychology consistently showed that people start out in life working on getting their basic needs met - food, shelter, health, relationships, work, etc. Lots and lots of people stay in the framework for their whole lives and lots of those folks are quite happy there. Others are not satisfied in that framework and move on to a larger framework - that of religion or some other spiritual practice that guides their decisions and their lives or some other framework that connects them to a larger community such as community service, politics, etc. Last but not least, there are some people who move on to a much larger framework - that of self-actualization - meaning that they develop their talents and capabilities. The happiest of all the folks studied were those that were living in all three frameworks simultaneously. There was almost no "leisure" or "pleasure" type activities in those folks lives because their joy came from their spiritual and creative activities.
Interesting. More on this later. Haven't finished the book yet.
One of the ways they researched was, they had all kinds of people carry pagers around, and the researchers paged them at random times. Then the folks filled out forms on what they were doing and how they were feeling. From that information they extrapolated what seemed to be consistently useful in making people happy. It turned out that pleasure and leisure were not the answer to happiness. What was the answer is a lot more complicated and harder to describe.
The psychology consistently showed that people start out in life working on getting their basic needs met - food, shelter, health, relationships, work, etc. Lots and lots of people stay in the framework for their whole lives and lots of those folks are quite happy there. Others are not satisfied in that framework and move on to a larger framework - that of religion or some other spiritual practice that guides their decisions and their lives or some other framework that connects them to a larger community such as community service, politics, etc. Last but not least, there are some people who move on to a much larger framework - that of self-actualization - meaning that they develop their talents and capabilities. The happiest of all the folks studied were those that were living in all three frameworks simultaneously. There was almost no "leisure" or "pleasure" type activities in those folks lives because their joy came from their spiritual and creative activities.
Interesting. More on this later. Haven't finished the book yet.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Shame
I just finished reading a couple of books on shame - what it is, what causes it, and how it affects us. It's a subject I used to give a good deal of thought but haven't in a long time. But it occurs to me after reading these books that shame is a plague on our individual lives, our culture, our country and our world. Secrets become our middle names. We are terrified that someone will find out about all the ways we are not perfect and perfection is defined totally arbitrarily by our culture - what we weigh, what we wear, what we do all day, how we look, how our children behave, how much money we have, what we think about.
Women are ashamed because their husbands cheat (how is that possible since she's not the one that's cheating. I guess it's because if she were better, he wouldn't want someone else. The thing is all those gorgeous, perfect movie star women are being cheated on all the time.) People are ashamed because they are getting older. We're ashamed because we don't know how to do some stuff. We're ashamed that our houses and cars aren't fancy enough. We're ashamed because our parents aren't the way we think they should be. Our kids needs to be beautiful, smart and successful and never make mistakes or we are ashamed. People are especially ashamed if they have someone in their family with addiction. (People don't really believe addiction is a disease because addicts behave so badly. Then people believe the disease idea is an excuse.)
We are especially ashamed if we make mistakes of any kind; big or small - which, of course, we do every single day. So we are ashamed all the time. The only way to make us feel better is for us to shame someone else. Which we do a lot. Good grief! I don't believe in this crap any more. Being ashamed is not helpful.
Women are ashamed because their husbands cheat (how is that possible since she's not the one that's cheating. I guess it's because if she were better, he wouldn't want someone else. The thing is all those gorgeous, perfect movie star women are being cheated on all the time.) People are ashamed because they are getting older. We're ashamed because we don't know how to do some stuff. We're ashamed that our houses and cars aren't fancy enough. We're ashamed because our parents aren't the way we think they should be. Our kids needs to be beautiful, smart and successful and never make mistakes or we are ashamed. People are especially ashamed if they have someone in their family with addiction. (People don't really believe addiction is a disease because addicts behave so badly. Then people believe the disease idea is an excuse.)
We are especially ashamed if we make mistakes of any kind; big or small - which, of course, we do every single day. So we are ashamed all the time. The only way to make us feel better is for us to shame someone else. Which we do a lot. Good grief! I don't believe in this crap any more. Being ashamed is not helpful.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Pix
Flower shopping with Aaron
Flower shopping with Aaron
P.F. Chang's
Kristin at P.F. Chang's
Full moon.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Grrrr
Huge doses of steroids have put me back on my feet after a whole month of vertigo severe enough to keep me lying down with my eyes closed 98% of the time. Apparently, this is caused by some kind of an inner ear problem (probably allergies), and a lot of other people have had it. I tried ignoring it and getting around anyway, but I got so dizzy I fell. That's not good since I've got a rather fragile body and don't need any injuries. So, I gave in and did what worked - lying pefectly still with my eyes closed. Enforced meditation. I told everyone I was pregnant since the dizziness made me feel like I had morning sickness. (Amazing how you never forget the fun of morning sickness. I read somewhere that if men got morning sickness, there would be a whole building full of a cadre of scientists looking for a cure.) I ate a lot of soda crackers. I wish I could say that I gained something from the experience - that it increased my spiritual growth or something. But I guess the thing I mostly gained, was great gratitude for not being sick!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Spritual Awakenings in General
I guess most of my spiritual awakenings could be classified as waking up to the truth about myself. In the past if I had "come to" and seen those things I would have been in despair. There's a reason why the first three steps of the 12 Steps are the first three steps. Waking up to reality has the foundation of the realization of powerlessness and unmanageability, followed by the belief (hope/suspicion) that there is a force for good in the universe that can and will restore sanity, followed by the decision to let that power care for us and change us. At first my spiritual awakenings were definitely rude awakenings and were painful. But not so much any more. I am completely dependent on a higher power for my life and any changes that happen in my personality and attitudes. My awareness of other people and how to treat them comes to me from a higher power also. To sum up - no spiritual awakening has happened to me except as I was surrendered to the care of that force for good in the universe.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Welcome Memories
At a meeting a few days ago, the speaker mentioned Ron and how much help he was in getting sober. I remember how Ron spent a lot of time helping people who were stuck and really didn't want to do anything but meetings, so he would take off his counselor hat and put on his AA hat and try to take them through the steps. From what the speaker said, I'm guessing he was one of those. Then after the meeting, a gal came up to me and said that Ron had helped her mother do an intervention that eventually got her into treatment and she said how grateful she was. She said that the intervention itself didn't go that well. As soon as she realized what was happening, she ran out of the room and went up on the roof where they couldn't talk to her. But she eventually got sober. I'll bet Ron was entertained by that. Going up on the roof was a bit unusual, but stuff like that happened all the time. People hate being called on their addictions! It's been over six years since Ron died, but people I don't know still tell me about how he saved their lives.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Spiritual Awakening #7
This was a gradual one. I don't remember there being a moment in time when I had a flash of light and woke up, although there was one flash a few years ago when the whole concept solidified and I totally got it. I heard things in meetings like, "My mind is dangerous territory, and I shouldn't go there alone." Or the "stinkin thinkin" phrase. The upshot was that I should not believe my thoughts.
I always thought that my thoughts were me and that they were true. I've come to believe that for whatever reason my thoughts are often - nearly all the time - not in my best interests at all. They almost always are either judgments of myself or others or worries about the future. They urge me to do things that are destructive. I've also learned that being aware of what I'm thinking as continuously as is humanly possible and questioning the truth of my thoughts and then changing them, is a huge key to serenity and peace and love.
Learning that my negative thinking was very likely the cause of the majority of my emotional upsets was a huge turn around for me. Recently I've been practicing the "morning pages" recommended by The Artist's Way. The idea is to empty your mind of whatever you're thinking about in order to fill it up with the good stuff.
I've actually been journaling daily since 1991, or thereabout, for that purpose, and it's been my experience that although I don't have control of my first thoughts, I do have a choice about whether I entertain and believe them or not. These "morning pages" take the process a lot deeper in that they're three pages of longhand every single day. All the stuff that's buried under the usual blah, blah, blah of my thoughts usually comes to the surface by the end of that third page.
Questioning my thoughts is a challenge because I have unconsciously come to believe a lot of things that are not true. Recently I realized that some of it probably comes from the fairy tales I learned in childhood. For example, I learned from fairy tales that some people are evil and some are good (the wicked step sisters and stepmother of Cinderella) and that when people do things that hurt me, it means that they are just bad people and want to hurt me for no reason. Of course, I always saw myself as the good person.
Well, the actual truth is that all of us are hurt emotionally - seriously wounded - by the crazy world we live in, the crazy way we bring up children, and we pass that woundedness to each other all the time. That's the reason there are "bad" people. I'm not one of those brainless do-gooders that wants to let everyone off the hook because of their woundedness - that doesn't help at all. Being accountable for our behavior is always the right thing to do. But having compassion for myself and all other humans means not living with fear caused by my thinking.
I always thought that my thoughts were me and that they were true. I've come to believe that for whatever reason my thoughts are often - nearly all the time - not in my best interests at all. They almost always are either judgments of myself or others or worries about the future. They urge me to do things that are destructive. I've also learned that being aware of what I'm thinking as continuously as is humanly possible and questioning the truth of my thoughts and then changing them, is a huge key to serenity and peace and love.
Learning that my negative thinking was very likely the cause of the majority of my emotional upsets was a huge turn around for me. Recently I've been practicing the "morning pages" recommended by The Artist's Way. The idea is to empty your mind of whatever you're thinking about in order to fill it up with the good stuff.
I've actually been journaling daily since 1991, or thereabout, for that purpose, and it's been my experience that although I don't have control of my first thoughts, I do have a choice about whether I entertain and believe them or not. These "morning pages" take the process a lot deeper in that they're three pages of longhand every single day. All the stuff that's buried under the usual blah, blah, blah of my thoughts usually comes to the surface by the end of that third page.
Questioning my thoughts is a challenge because I have unconsciously come to believe a lot of things that are not true. Recently I realized that some of it probably comes from the fairy tales I learned in childhood. For example, I learned from fairy tales that some people are evil and some are good (the wicked step sisters and stepmother of Cinderella) and that when people do things that hurt me, it means that they are just bad people and want to hurt me for no reason. Of course, I always saw myself as the good person.
Well, the actual truth is that all of us are hurt emotionally - seriously wounded - by the crazy world we live in, the crazy way we bring up children, and we pass that woundedness to each other all the time. That's the reason there are "bad" people. I'm not one of those brainless do-gooders that wants to let everyone off the hook because of their woundedness - that doesn't help at all. Being accountable for our behavior is always the right thing to do. But having compassion for myself and all other humans means not living with fear caused by my thinking.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Spiritual Awakening #6
Early in my recovery I read a lot of books trying to find a way to connect with a Higher Power. One of them was "Love is Letting Go of Fear." There was a story in the book about a guy on the subway who was very, very disturbed by some children who were more or less running amok. He got angrier and angrier because their father was sitting right there doing nothing about the situation. Finally he got so mad that he confronted the father. The father apologized and got the children to sit down. He said that he guessed the kids were just letting off steam because they had just come from the hospital where their mother had died and he, himself, was just not quite present since he was in deep grief.
Of course, the moral of the story is that I don't know whether my harsh judgments of other people are true or not. There may be a good reason for what I've judged as their bad behavior. In fact, instead of assuming that they are bad people, lazy, uncaring or just have bad motives, it might work better if I assumed the best instead of the worst.
This has helped me immensely in that I no longer wear myself out so much with judgments of other people or myself. If I assume good reasons, I can just adjust to what is, instead of using my time and energy blaming and complaining and keeping myself in emotional turmoil.
Of course, the moral of the story is that I don't know whether my harsh judgments of other people are true or not. There may be a good reason for what I've judged as their bad behavior. In fact, instead of assuming that they are bad people, lazy, uncaring or just have bad motives, it might work better if I assumed the best instead of the worst.
This has helped me immensely in that I no longer wear myself out so much with judgments of other people or myself. If I assume good reasons, I can just adjust to what is, instead of using my time and energy blaming and complaining and keeping myself in emotional turmoil.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Spiritual Awakening #5
Oh how I hated this one. I was complaining and blaming to my sponsor about how awful my boyfriend was behaving. She suggested I take his inventory - write down all the bad things he was doing and what character defects he exhibited. When I finished, she asked me to come to her house and tell her all about it. As soon as I finished, she said for me to sign my name at the bottom of the list. Of course, I was horrified and greatly insulted. Then she explained that it's actually impossible to see someone else's character defects unless we have some form of them ourselves. We might be going in a different direction with them than the person we're judging or we might just wish we could get away with the same behavior, but there's something we're secretly judging ourselves for that we're covering up by judging someone else. If I call someone a miser, for example, I might be feeling guilty about overspending or being "tight" myself. If I'm not judging myself, I might just see the person as thrifty.
Oh how hard this one was to swallow. On the other hand, it's an absolutely perfect way to see my own character defects that I'm blind to. Very handy. After enough personal examination, I'm not so shocked at my character defects, and my ego doesn't try so hard to defend me. None of this has a purpose of trying to make me feel bad or guilty, but just to help me see how I'm getting in my own way and keeping me unhappy. By continuing to work the steps on whatever I find, I'm able to forgive myself which helps me be a lot more accepting of other people. Unfortunately, it's a process, not an event.
Oh how hard this one was to swallow. On the other hand, it's an absolutely perfect way to see my own character defects that I'm blind to. Very handy. After enough personal examination, I'm not so shocked at my character defects, and my ego doesn't try so hard to defend me. None of this has a purpose of trying to make me feel bad or guilty, but just to help me see how I'm getting in my own way and keeping me unhappy. By continuing to work the steps on whatever I find, I'm able to forgive myself which helps me be a lot more accepting of other people. Unfortunately, it's a process, not an event.
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