Pics

Montana golden rod.  Smells as pretty as it looks.

Motel in Billings, Montana.  Flew into Billings because there are no airports anywhere near Lame Deer.

Close up of the gorgeous petunias at the Billings motel.

Horse at the Billings airport.  Not real, of course.  Why is there a horse at the airport?

Here's the only pic that came out that I took at my birthday bash (celebration of decrepitude).  After this one is my birthday at the family birthday - both my grandsons and mine.  We're at Olive Garden and I'm eating who knows what.  After that is a picture of my dentist's garden outside his office.  I want one like that at my house.

I want a lavender garden like this one in my yard instead of a neighbor's yard.

Montana

Twice I've been able to go see my dear friend in Montana since he moved there.  Each time it's been a joy to catch up with him and know that he's enjoying himself there.  That's why I go.  The perk, however, is getting to enjoy the incredible landscapes.  On this trip the faces of the rolling hills were covered with flowers - I think it was Golden Rod - and the air smelled like smoky, flowery incense.  The inhabitants of this lovely place didn't seem to realize the scent - I asked what the lovely smell was and they looked at me strangely and didn't answer.

The Northern Cheyenne Tribe was having a four day Pow Wow on the July 4th weekend.  (The federal government transferred the Cheyenne tribe to Oklahoma where the Southern Cheyenne tribe still is.  Part of the tribe escaped and went back north - thus the Northern Cheyenne.)  There were tee pees everywhere.  I'm guessing there were several thousand people camped on the Pow Wow grounds.  I've been to Pow Wows in Oklahoma and this one was similar except it was outside.  Since it is much, much cooler in Montana than here, the outside venue was pretty much perfect except that campers probably needed lots of blankets at night since 58 degrees was the usual temperature.  I did not take picture.  My feeling was that I was a guest there - one of the only white people - and guests don't take pictures to take home and exhibit the natives.

As soon as I download my camera, I'll post the very few pictures I did take.

Fear of Being Taken Advantage of

One of the many times I've been in counseling, the counselor said my greatest problem was that I was "gullible."  In other words I hadn't learned to take care of my best interests around other people - that I just trusted everybody whether they were trustworthy or not.  That, of course, led to constant resentment.  I was just chronically bursting with - first, anger; then rage.  After I got into recovery, my sponsor taught me how to handle myself around other people. 

First of all, she said, my source of love, safety, and really everything, was my Higher Power.  I could safely let go of all that fear of being taken advantage of because I was going to learn how to take care of myself.  For one thing, I needed to let go of all my expectations of others and how they needed to treat me and become dependent on my Higher Power instead of other people.  My HP would send the right people to me when I needed them.  This would mean that I was an independent person in the world - I was in the care of a perfect being who would not let me down.  Then she taught me that I could treat people the way I wanted to be treated which in turn teaches people how to treat me.  People who did not treat me well could simply be avoided rather than my becoming outraged about it.  My "rules" about how other people were supposed to treat me could be dumped in the trash because everyone has their own rules and weren't likely to follow mine.

For the most part I've been able to live in peace with other people.  It's hard sometimes and I need a lot of reminders and support from other recovering people, but I am very grateful.

Integrity Fund

My youngest adopted daughter and my foster son have been living in small group homes in the community for 20 years now (since they left Hissom behind).  The good news is that they have so much better lives now than I ever could have imagined.  My son has a part time job at a re-cycling center and last month he made enough money to cover all his living expenses.  He takes piano lessons, bowls on a team and swims.  He has autism and severe mental retardation and when he first came to live with our family at almost two years, he was so incredibly messed up that I would not have dared to even think about what his life would be like at almost 40.  What a blessing.  My daughter, too, has a much better life.  But there have been a lot of scary problems.  Her mother had Rubella when she was pregnant and as a result my daughter has all the possible disabilities from that - she's legally blind, totally deaf, has cerebral palsy and a bad seizure disorder.  No doubt she has mental retardation too but she's impossible to test.  The problems she's had mostly stem from the difficulty of finding staff to work with her that are willing to carry out the activities she needs to stay well and happy. 

After 20 years of frustration, I finally woke up to the realization that the people who work with her are not really paid a living wage.  Most of them just make minimum wage and many are single mothers.  Their lives are really difficult.  My daughter's life is much better than theirs - she has a reasonably nice house, nice furniture, good food, pretty clothes, and enjoyable activities.  Her medical care is good.  They don't have any of these things and yet I expect them to work hard and do everything for her.  So (and I think this is a God deal), I have realized I need to care as much about the well-being of the staff as I do about hers and be as strong an advocate for them as I am for her. 

I wish I could say that I've had many wonderful ideas about how to put this realization into action but I haven't.  Right now all I've thought up is fund raising to supplement the small amount they are paid.  So I'm throwing myself a 70th birthday party and since I already have everything I need in life - I'm asking people to contribute to an "Integrity Fund" which I will distribute to her staff on a monthly basis.  I also plan to have other fundraisers throughout the year.

Of course, if my memoir is a best seller I will be rich and will be able to double their salaries!!

Happy Birthdays to Me!

I've just passed my 70th birthday and my 28th sobriety birthday!  I owe thanks to many, many, many people and God for these celebrations.  Looking back at what I used to be like, there's no way I would have made it this far on my own.  I'm celebrating "decrepitude" because it's a stage of life I never imagined attaining.  The people who shared their wisdom with me in recovery programs, my loving family,  the professional counselors that helped me understand the sources of my misery and dump it, the doctors that repaired my body after the wreck, the physical therapists who restored my physical strength, the practitioners who assisted me in repairing my nervous system, the writers who have inspired me, other parents of kids with disabilities, personal friends and professional colleagues, and many others that I can't think of at the moment, all have made "decrepitude" possible and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.  Of course, the God of my understanding who held me in His hands and guided me (when I was paying attention) - I am so grateful.

Storms

Yesterday I spent the day in Joplin because I had gathered some items and cash to help the folks affected by the storm.  One of my classmates is a member of a church that has set up a "distribution center" where people can come and get replacements for some of the things they might need that were lost in the storm.  So that's where I took everything.  They were organized and even more organized than that.  They had an intake area where people dropped off the things they had brought.  The church's website had lists of what was needed.  The intake area volunteers put each item in the area where it belonged.  Periodically rented trucks came and took items to the distribution area where people could come to get what they needed. 

Each family that came was assigned a "personal shopper" who got the family a shopping cart(s) and took them to the tents that comprised the distribution area.  Each tent had a category of items with volunteers to help.  My classmate and I volunteered in the pet area which had dog, cat and bird food, collars and leashes, cat litter, etc.  Other tents had all kinds of non-perishable food, cleaning products, personal care items, over the counter medication, etc. 

On the way to the church we drove through part of the area that was hit by the storm.  It's hard to believe that something as unsubstantial as wind could create that kind of destruction.  It's odd but as I've lived my life, I've become less and less emotional about disaster.  I know quite a bit about what the people have been experiencing, but I'm somehow not very sad about it.  I've learned that there's no way to escape heartbreak and if you work at it and are lucky, you will be happier and more at peace on the other side of it.  That's what I wish for all of the people affected by the storm.

Serenity Project

"The trouble is STAYING clean, taming the pit bull that's been chewing on your innards your entire life, the one you've been bribing to stay out of your consciousness."  Peter Coyote. 

It's no use trying to be serene with inner conflicts lurking at the edge of consciousness determined to be dealt with.  Anyone who thinks recovery from the disease of addiction is about not using alcohol and drugs is way off the beam.  It's almost impossible to stay off them without serenity, and it's totally impossible to have serenity without self-awareness, self-examination and self-acceptance.  That's really why I spend so much time and effort on a daily basis with prayer, meditation, meetings, helping others, accepting help myself, etc.  Serenity and peace have never come from improving my environment, getting a better job, making the people around me into what I wanted them to be.  They've only come when I've done the work on myself.

Excitement at Walmart

Here's the story as best I understand it.  Some poor crazy guy with several guns kidnapped a guy in the little town called Prue and ended up with him at my Walmart market just a few blocks from my house.  He went into the Walmart, shot off a gun a few times, went into the parking lot and tried to hijack a car.  The occupant who was a Tulsa University student would not get out of the car so the guy just shot him in the head and moved on to a pickup with several people in it.  They all got out and the guy and his hostage drove off in the pickup.  By this time the whole area was covered with cops.  The guy crashed the pickup in the parking lot of a business across the street and started shooting at the cops.  Somehow the guy died in the shootout.  At this point no one is sure whether he shot himself or the cops shot him.  The hostage is okay. 

My thoughts were that we human beings have not figured out how to do life.  We'll never know now what was going on with the guy.  Besides I could have been at the Walmart but had decided to do that errand last on my list.  Once again it wasn't my time.

Thoughts

Serenity Project

Day 5:  Much of what I'm studying these days has to do with how we human beings think.  Nothing I've read yet even gives me a theory as to why and how we first started thinking negatively but research shows human beings have a bias toward negativity.  The Four Agreements and subsequent books focus on the action to be taken rather than the why and how of it.  Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote the Four Agreements says we have a "parasite" in our minds that lives off the negative energy created from negative thinking.  The "parasite" is composed of a judge and a victim.  The judge constantly tells us we are not good enough and the victim takes it on the chin.  Don Miguel says that we're the only species that constantly attack ourselves about our mistakes - not just once but over and over for life.  We also attack each other for our mistakes - over and over and over.

Byron Katie also focuses on negative thinking as the source of all suffering.  Most of our thinking is negative - either we're worrying about the future or judging the past.  And most of our negative thoughts aren't even true.  We think they are when we're thinking them, but if we examine them, we see that they are false.  Katie's method of fighting back is to question the truth of the thought and then find truth in an opposite thought.  For example, if I'm thinking that a friend should not be late, I would ask myself if that's true.  Actually, I'm not God so I can't really say what someone else should be doing.  I'm not the author of the rules for every human on the earth.  Plus keeping my mind on how wrong my friend is keeps me from finding a solution.  Of course, I can ask him/her to be on time.  But if he/she is still late, then what?  Finding something I can do to fill the time while I wait might be one solution.  Another might be telling him/her that I will meet him/her at a time earlier than I intend to be there.  (This one is tricky, though.  It's pretty manipulative and people don't like that.  Plus it would be my luck that he/she would show up at the time I said and I would be the one that's late.)  The opposite thought might be, "He/she should be late."  That could be true - since something very important may have held him/her up.  Or another opposite thought might be, "I should not be late."  That could be true also.  By questioning the truth of my thoughts the "parasite" may get awfully tired of attacking me and give up!

The necessity is for me to keep myself aware of my thoughts.  Off and on through the day I can check and see what I'm thinking.  Good times for noticing are when I'm stopped at a stoplight, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting at the dentist's office - anytime when there's nothing much grabbing my attention and I can just notice my thoughts.  Very soon I will notice that the same worries and judgments run through my head over and over.  Boiled down to their essence, the thoughts are usually about my own or someone else's mistakes or unworthiness, and regardless of what someone told you - none of us are unworthy!

Serenity vs Mood Swings

Day 4:  In my morning reading there was a page about how our moods can change based on what's going on around us.  However, being so vulnerable to outside events sets me up to be a victim of things I have no power to change.  What I can do that I've learned over the years, is quiet myself by "getting out of my head and back into my body."  I do that by just noticing my breathing, how my body feels, how my feet feel on the floor/ground and by noticing what I'm thinking (and changing it to something positive).  Listening to the sounds in my environment and looking around at where I am help too.  Sometimes I can't quiet myself because my environment is so chaotic and charged with other people's upset, so I have to physically leave that space to quiet myself. 

Practicing this has taught me that I am actually reacting to my own thoughts rather than what's going on around me.  That was weird!  No matter what's going on, it's my negative thinking that causes my upset.  What I can do to get out of that victim place is to think about how I could inject something positive into the situation and do that.  Even if it has no effect, just thinking about something positive and taking action on it, returns me to a positive place.

I am powerless but not helpless

Serenity Project
Day 2 & 3:  I read the above statement in one of my morning readings today.  I love it because it sums up for me the truth about my responsibility for myself.  I came into recovery believing my problems were caused by other people and certainly other people were involved.  But the real problem was that I was never looking for the part I played in the problem.  In the last couple of days I've been practicing looking at even tiny little problems with the clear eyes of a person who is powerless but not helpless. 

I am powerless over other people, tornadoes, what my body wants to do about sleep, etc.  But I am not helpless - I do have the responsibility to respond rather than react to what happens around me.  I'm also responsible for taking care of my thoughts so that they don't run to the negative.  I've learned that believing what I think about ANYTHING is hazardous!  Usually my ego is running things in my head and my ego never wants to take responsibility for anything so tells me that someone or something else needs to shape up. 

This weekend I had a conversation with a friend about a problem she was having in a relationship and was reminded of this concept again.  She was feeling helpless about the effect the other person was having on her.  She truly didn't believe there was any solution to the problem unless the other person changed.  She had come to me for help, so I shared some ideas about ways she could take care of herself in the situation.  Since her mind was already made up that the only solution was for the other person to change, I didn't get anywhere.  I love and care about her so in the past I would have gotten emotional and tried very hard to get her to see things my way.  This time I just took care of myself by saying that I could see that she did not want to try doing anything except try to change the other person, but that I didn't know how that could be done.  Then I shut up.  I'm sure she wasn't happy, but at least I didn't get all upset myself.  I will pray for her since God is the one that has the power and be serene myself. 

Freedom

In one of Pearl Buck's autobiographies she describes how she felt after she and her family ran away from China during the revolution.  She had lived there all her life as the child of missionaries and then the wife of a missionary, but during the revolution all the Caucasians had to leave.  She and her family ran to Japan where the kind people loaned them a place to live since all they left with were the clothes they were wearing.  She said that suddenly her life was radically and enjoyably simplified. 

Each morning she rolled up their sleeping pads, made breakfast over a charcoal brazier in the one pot they had, ate, washed the pot, swept the floor and then the rest of the day was hers to do with as she wanted.  She wrote a whole chapter about the joyful freedom she felt while they were in Japan and before they began accumulating possessions again.  It was not that she didn't feel the loss of everything they had, but that the sharp pain of that loss only lasted a short time before the lightness and freedom of simplicity set in.

This story comes to mind because I have friends in the Joplin, Missouri, area who survived the big tornado there but lost pretty much everything.  I am hoping they will have the same experience of lightness and freedom of simplicity.  I've experienced this myself after the fire we had in 2000 ruined pretty much everything we had.  Of course at first I was traumatized and very sad.  But soon I felt the freedom that the lack of possessions gave me.  Nothing to dust, wash, rearrange, pick up, put away, etc.  I loved it.  I still have empty drawers in my house where I just didn't replace things.  Somehow, however, I manage to accumulate "stuff" and when I get too much of it, I just give it away so I can keep the freedom of simplicity.

Serenity Project
I've decided to reinstate the Serenity Project I started a long time ago but didn't continue.  My idea was to record my efforts to increase the serenity in my life, but I wandered away from the goal as I sometimes do.  Now that I'm going to try again to do the project,  I had the idea of starting a whole new blog for it, but in the interests of simplicity and serenity, I think I will just stick with adding it to my regular posts. 

Day 1:  The reading for today in my "Courage to Change" book was about taking responsibility for my problems instead of perceiving people, places or things outside myself as the reason for the problem and blaming and complaining.  This was one of my first lessons in recovery.  At that time I was extremely angry and saw myself as a powerless victim of others and of fate.  My dear sponsor just gently pointed out ways I could solve those problems without having to try to make other people do something different or try to force solutions over and over that were not working.

At first I thought she was trying to tell me that all my problems were my own fault, and I just got angrier because I knew that was wrong.  But she kept reassuring me that it wasn't about whose fault it was, but it was about me taking responsibility for myself and for solving my own problems.  This was not a concept I had ever heard of or been taught about so I was a slow learner and I still have to be reminded.  But the concept has given me immeasurable peace of mind and serenity.  What ever the problem is, I can ask God (and myself), what can I do about this today?  Then I can take that action - whatever it is - and forget about the problem for the day. 

A couple of examples:  During the past few years I've been plagued with sudden spells of exhaustion where I sleep many hours for several days.  It's annoying and embarrassing and other people sometimes have been upset with me because I suddenly have to cancel plans.  My best advisers have pointed out that since my body and psyche are healing from a tremendous trauma followed by the trauma of several major surgeries, that I may just need to accept my sudden need for long periods of rest.  But I've resisted, trying to regulate and anticipate so that I have some control over it.  It seemed to me that this problem was lasting longer than it should.   Finally, I arrived at acceptance - which consists of me asking God and myself - "What can I do about this today?"  The answer varies from day to day. Sometimes I try to stay up - drink some coffee, exercise or whatever - but if nothing works, I go to bed and rest - with peace of mind.  For the last couple of days, I have mostly just rested - with serenity.

Another example:  I am usually unhappy in some way or another about the care my disabled daughter receives from her caregivers.  Right now she is in pretty good health and is fairly happy.  However, much of what is supposed to be provided for her just doesn't happen.  In the past, I would have spent days and days angry and griping incessantly to anyone who would listen.  If I could do these things for her myself, I would do it, but I am unable.  I can't say that I never get upset because I frequently do.  But my upset only lasts until I remember that I'm responsible for solving my own problems.  So, I ask God and myself, "What can I do about this today?"  Usually there's something I can do.  Most recently, her caregivers were supposed to take her for a regular medical appointment, but skipped many of them.  So, I just began reminding them about the appointment on the morning of the appointment, plus going there myself from time to time.  I don't think they were crazy about these reminders, however, eventually, they began taking her to her appointments on a regular basis. Serenity!

Gratitude

I am amazed at the weather the world is dealing with.  This time the disaster was close to home and I have friends who were in the middle of it.  They and their cats are okay but their home is gone.   I grew up near where the tornado hit and my mother and grandmother died in a tornado near there in 1996.  I know how incredibly strange it feels to have everything you know just disappear in moments.  I am grateful my friends were spared and thoughtful about all the ones who were not spared.  I can't help but wonder what this all means - all the disasters.  Since the world did not come to an end on Saturday as predicted, I'm guessing it's not the end of the world yet.  However, I am realizing that for any of us our world could suddenly and unexpectedly stop.

Gratitude

One of my friends has been sharing her daily gratitude list with me from time to time.  I am always inspired by what she puts on that list.  I also do a graditude list every day as part of my daily writing.  Even though my journal shows my activities, thoughts, and feelings, those gratitude lists are much more of a view of how I am each day.  When I do a progress report on myself, the quickest way to do it is to look at my gratitude lists. 

I saw something in one of my meditation books that reminded me that gratitude for things "not made with hands" might be more a part of what I look for and have gratitude for each day.  The page in the book suggested that spending time with things "not made with hands"  (made by God, the writer was saying) is an effective way to get in conscious contact with the spirit of God.  I've wondered off and on why I love spending time outside.  That might be it!

So I've decided to increase the amount of time I spend outside while the weather is lovely.  There are so many terrific places to do it in Tulsa!

Everyday

Short verse of a poem by Mary Oliver (one of the best love poems I've ever seen):

So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the beautiful ideas of God

One of which was you.

Perception

I enjoyed the strange looking guy tell me in the Walmart parking lot that my leg was healed by the beautiful healing mother - one of the highlights of my day.  I was telling it to a friend later that day who was horrified - OMG!  He was probably mentally ill!  No telling what he might of done to you!  Etc.!  Weird that she saw it that way when I experienced it the opposite way.  Very odd.  Just showed me that perception is everything.  I was happy.  She was upset.  She would have been a lot more upset if it had happened to her. 

Loving What Is

I'm still listening to an audio book by Byron Katie, but it's the second one now.  I finished listening to the first one during the two hours I waited for AAA to come and change my flat tire.  It was the perfect thing to be listening to while waiting because it motivated me to try to see the wait as the perfect thing to happen so that I could finish listening to the book.  AAA was extremely apologetic about the wait, but I was only mildly irritated thanks to what I was listening to.

All this is making me more aware of what actually happens around me that I could be enjoying if I were paying attention.  Today I went to the neighborhood Walmart which is basically a grocery store.  There's a guy that works there who gathers up the shopping carts.  He has dredlocks and wears some sort of clothing that appears be be Sufi or something like that.  He never looks at anybody, just goes about his business.  Today I smiled at him and immediately he came over to me and put his hand near my messed up right leg.  I think he said - the blessed mother of healing has healed your leg and so it is.  I thanked him and went in the grocery store.  That was a nice way to begin the morning.

Hissom in Stages of Being Torn Down



View of the school area



Inside what was the hospital unit where my friend's son died.

The old administration building.

The office building

Outside the gate looking in

Another gate

Hissom had its own water supply

I felt oddly calm when I expected to have some sadness.

Pics

Spring bouquets

Bec on spring break playing with Kristin's baby toys

Mary Lou and other classmates at the last gathering of the class of 59.

Kristin and I colored eggs!

Kristin found the last egg!

I was the Easter bunny this year.

Kristin in her new sweater.

What If...?

Our books study group is trying to grasp the idea that all of our unhappiness is a result of the stories we tell ourselves.  Maybe everything is just the way it's supposed to be.  What?!! No way!  What about illness, death, people not doing what we want and doing what we don't want.  Shouldn't I be unhappy about those terrible things?  But suppose I'm not God and don't know what's best for me, anyone else, or the world?  Could it be that God is in charge instead of me?  There's a very good chance that that is a true statement.  But that would mean I would have to tell myself a different story.  For example, in our study group there were several mothers who had not heard a thing from their adult children on Mothers' Day.  Someone brought a huge number of fresh roses for all the mothers at the clubhouse, so we all went home with Mothers' Day flowers either to add to the love we'd already received or to receive the love we wished for.  Interesting.