R-E-S-P-E-C-T

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T  Find out what it means to me..."

I've always loved Aretha Franklin's song, although I never really thought about what respect meant.  It just seemed to be a song about wanting a man to  treat her better as a woman.  As I've worked at self-examination as a big part of recovery, I've realized that I never really had much respect for myself and as a result, not much respect for anyone or anything else.  As I began to live more closely aligned to who I believed I was created to be, I began to have some respect in general - for myself and for other people I admired.

When Nelson Mandela died recently I began reading more about him. Everything I knew about Nelson Mandela made me admire him.  His courage, his intellect, his ability to forgive and his ability to endure 27 years in prison amazed me.  And, of course, his huge role in changing South Africa's apartheid without a civil war.  I learned that there was a lot to learn about respect from Mandela's way of living. What really attracted my attention was how he commanded respect from his captors while he was in prison. 

Mandela believed that gaining respect was necessary if he was going to be able to help make a change in his country on behalf of himself and other black people.  He spent much time contemplating how to do that since he was a black man in a country where white people had the power and treated all black people with contempt.  For example, he just did not respond when his captors called him anything but Mr. Mandela.  He put thought into the way he carried himself physically, how he showed emotion, and how he communicated with others.  His purpose was to embody dignity and gain respect.

I am a child of the 40s and 50s where women were definitely second class citizens.  The lack of respect (contempt) for women weighed on me too - of course, to a much lesser extent than Mandela experienced.  It was so much a part of my life I didn't realize that I was carrying a weight until well into my adulthood. 

When I became a foster parent to children with disabilities, I discovered to my horror, the extreme contempt many people had for them.  I have been told many time that they would be better off dead.  I realized that those people didn't see people with disabilities as fully human, just like they didn't see people of other races as fully human, and, the most frightening of all for me, women were seen as a little bit subhuman.

In the 40s and 50s, women were supposed to be wives and mothers only and were to work only if our families needed the money.  We were subject to the will of our husbands in family decision making.  In general, the jobs available to us were secretary, nurse, teacher, waitress, and prostitute - none of which paid enough for a woman to be independent.  It wasn't possible for women to have credit independent of a man. 

Just like snarky jokes about black people, there were lots of jokes about how women were not very bright; too emotional; bad drivers; not capable of being doctors, lawyers, supervisors, executives, business owners; how "being on the rag" made us irrational, etc.  Keeping women "barefoot and pregnant" was a goal as well as a joke.  Men were considered to be intellectually superior to women in every way.  Men who had sex outside marriage and with more than one woman were just being men.  Women who exhibited the same behavior were sluts.

I took that all in without being aware of it until in my early 20s when I read The Feminine Mystique. I woke up to what kind of culture I was living in and how it was affecting me.  I was amazed.  Ever since I've done my best to notice the disrespect for myself I picked up from the culture around me.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a guide to help me develop self-respect and dignity.  Mostly what I did in response was gripe and throw fits.  Which didn't add a thing to my self-respect or dignity.

Unlike me, Mandela was raised in a family and community where he did not experience the contempt of whites so he didn't have to overcome any beliefs he might have otherwise acquired about the superiority of whites.  His family was much respected in his tribe and therefore he himself was treated with respect.  It was a great shock to him when he left home and experienced the world where he was treated like trash.  I, on the other hand, knew from the time I knew I was a girl that I was considered second class and for a long time believed that it was true.

Of course, Mandela's efforts to be respected were less personal than strategic.  His goal was freedom for black people in South Africa.  I haven't had such big goals.  I just wanted to be out of the emotional pain I was in when I came into recovery. I would never have guessed that respect was part of recovery.  I respected my sponsor, though.  I thought she knew everything (I still think she did). She was a wise person.  She thought I was worth something.  She said I was a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to get good.

Bit by bit by doing what was suggested in my recovery program, I've gained respect for myself and then for others too.  I've come to realize that all humans deserve respect.  Even the ones that look like they are evil.  All of us are God's creation.  So even people that seem weak, bad or even evil have to have some worth or they wouldn't have arrived on the earth.  I think it's up to us to decide to live in a way that we can respect ourselves and as part of that process try our best to understand others. 

My Plan for Myself as I Get Older

I worked in the disability field for several years and in the elder care field for a lot more years.  In both of those jobs I found that a lot of people simply ignored the truth - we are all going to get older, most likely we're going to get sick, and we're all going to die. 

I suppose that many of us hope that we're going to be just fine and very functional and then one day we'll just keel over and be gone.  The truth is it hardly ever works that way.  Most of us are sick and need help for awhile before we finally kick the bucket.  And in this day and age of prolonging life with technology, that period of sickness can get to be very, very long.

Family members of people with disabilities rarely have made legal arrangements for them for when their caregivers get sick or die.  One family member said her plan was to outlive her son with disabilities.  The only problem with that plan was that she was 40 years older than he was.  Almost no one I met with had made a plan for what they wanted their family members to do when they themselves got sick and needed help.  It's just stuff us human beings don't want to think about.  So we just pretend it isn't true and wait until there's a crisis.  Then everyone rushes around to take care of the problem without time to make good decisions.

It occurred to me the other day that although I knew exactly what I was going to do under what circumstances, I probably needed to put it in writing so that my family would know what I thought.  I've told them, but people can forget - especially when they don't want to think about it.  I do have an advance directive and a will.  But that's really not enough.

So...  if I have brain damage and am not able to take care of myself, I recommend that my family members take me straight to a nursing home and skip any guilt they would have about it.  During the time I worked in the elder care field, I visited every nursing home in my area and a lot of them around the state.  They are all pretty much the same.  The expensive ones have prettier furniture and surroundings, but they are the ones that cost almost double compared to the others.  Plus the expensive ones are short of care staff just like the less expensive ones. 

So my advice to my family is don't make a big deal out of it.  There aren't any good nursing homes so don't spend any money.  Do what you can to get me eligible for Medicaid (which will mean you'll have to sell a lot of my stuff) and pick a nursing home that is close to you or whatever.  I've been low income for virtually all my life so I think using Medicaid is perfectly appropriate.  In the final analysis, though, if I'm out of it, I hereby give them permission to do whatever is best for them.  It's not going to matter to me anyway.

When I get to the point where I shouldn't be driving - and I plan to take the AARP tests regularly to be sure that I am capable - I will move into an inexpensive place that will provide me with meals, some housekeeping and a little transportation.  I've already looked at some of those places and I could almost pay for one with my Social Security income.

I don't have a lot of money and I don't get a lot of Social Security so I supplement the Social Security with savings.  If I run out of money, my plan is to get a reverse mortgage.  My house is small so its value isn't that great.  But it would tide me over for awhile.  If I have to move, I will sell it and use the money for living expenses.

I am blessed that I am never lonely and am quite happy living alone.  I am blessed to have friends that help me if/when I'm sick and not able to get out.  I have alarms on my doors to scare off burglars.  I carry my cell phone with me so if I fall, I'll call somebody.  If I have a heart attack or a stroke and can't call somebody, one of those "buttons" wouldn't help me anyway.  Usually I talk to someone every day so if I were out of touch for a day, someone would check.  On the other hand, dying from a stroke or a heart attack isn't that bad a way to go.

To clarify regarding the advance directive - I have absolutely no fear of death.  I'm not in the least bit interested in living longer if I am dependent on someone else's care because my quality of life depends on my independence.  That might not be true for everybody, but it's true for me.  If and when I get older than 75, I'm going to sign a "Do Not Resuscitate" because 75 plus years is plenty long enough to live.  I don't need to be brought back from near death - it's time for me to go.

I've had a lot of deaths to deal with in my family and in my work life I've dealt with many of these issues.  So, I don't really have denial.  I've watched many people get old and have admired how some of them did it and been appalled at how others did it.  I don't plan to sit around and feel sorry for myself as I get more and more decrepit.  My objective is to live until I die rather than wait to die.  

I am taking good care of myself.  I eat nutritiously.  I work constantly at keeping my weight down.  I exercise. I do what I can to be useful to other people.  I ask for help when I need it.  I do little bits of service as part of my recovery program.  I have an active program of spiritual growth - prayer, a meditation practice, study.  So I hope I will remain independent and functional as close to my death as I possible can.   

Since this is a public blog, although this is written primarily for my family members, I hope it's useful to someone else.  I'm putting this here so that it's easy to find - it's online and in my data base.  If I change my mind about any of it, I can just update.

The Path of Intuition

I'm just making a note of what I'm working on now:  I've made a commitment to myself to develop my intuition - to really spend some quality time with myself working on it.  I've felt for many years that this was what I needed to do, but wander off from it time after time.

It's really kind of anxiety provoking.  I'm used to relying on my rational mind for decision making and I've learned from the greater world that the best way to live is by self-discipline.  The thing is I'm 72 and a half and I'm still not disciplined even though I've worked at it for decades.  Also, my rational mind, smart as I think I am, has let me down time after time.

I spent some time a few days ago with a friend who does intuitive readings.  Right off the bat she said that I was longing for something very intensely that I still had not allowed myself to do.  I instantly knew what it was because for the past couple of years I've felt passionately about clearing away my time in order to focus. 

So...

"The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery.  There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don't know how or why." 

Albert Einstein

Personal Preferences vs General Rules

Not having a lot of energy for running around in the world gives me time for introspection.  Not the most fun always.  I have realized that for a great deal of my life I pretty much considered myself to be the smartest person in the room.  That illusion led to my believing that my personal preferences should be the general rule for all human beings.  Wow!  That's crazy. 

I am grateful that I've found out I'm not always the smartest person in the room - in fact I rarely am.  I have a lot of talent with language which can make me seem smart but that's far from making me a genius! 

I'm also grateful to realize that personal preferences are just personal to each person - that what I prefer has no connection whatever to good vs. bad or right vs. wrong.  I just happen to love the color blue, dragons, and simplicity in decoration.  I just happen to prefer wearing black a lot because it makes me look less fat and it goes with everything else. 

I used to think that people who decorated with lots of brown and lots of furniture and do-dads were just plumb crazy.  They would be so much happier in the peaceful space of simplicity.  (They probably would think my personal preference created a  "cold" environment.)  I thought people who dressed in bright colors and lots of variety were spending too much of their precious time on dressing themselves and were frivolous.  (What if I'm just too lazy to care?) 

I prefer to wash all my laundry in cold water because it saves wear and tear and fading.  I only use half of a dryer sheet at a time, because I found out that's all that's needed.  I only put half as much dishwasher detergent in and my dishes are pretty clean.  All that seems kind of insignificant now but I used to feel pretty self-righteous about it.  I was saving money and the environment.  Uh...not so much that everyone "should" follow my example.

Now I've begun to understand that I was chasing after being "right" which made me feel a little less down on myself.  Thanks to my spiritual mentors, I've learned how to let go of my heavy self-criticism which in turn has helped me recognize the difference between personal preference and general rules.

When Someone Dies Your Relationship is not Over

The love of my life left the earth about 8 1/2 years ago, but I am still discovering things about him, about myself, and about my relationship with him.  I keep an ongoing letter in my data base and add to it when I think of something I want to tell him. 

Often what I want to tell him is "thank you" because when I hear about someone else's conflicts with a spouse I realize I could have had their problem but didn't because of his good relationship skills. 

For example, he was a fabulous stepfather.  He never told me what to do as a mother.  He never criticized my children.  He told me that he saw himself as a person who could support me as a mother and that he intended to be a friendly adult in the lives of my children and grandchildren.  He gave us all a lot of encouragement and love and zero criticism.  He made us laugh a lot.

I've always said that one of the things I love in a man is an ability to keep his mouth shut.  Occasionally he would make a polite request for me to stop talking about something (usually an unresolved problem I was wrestling with) when getting up and leaving the room didn't work. 

When I got mad at him, he would say things like, "Remember me?  I'm on your side!"  Or, "I don't understand why you're so upset.  Please tell me what you want me to do."  Very reasonable.  Usually bumped me right out of my upset and into problem solving.

I really did know he was on my side.  I counted on that.  For the most part I was sure he wouldn't take advantage of me knowingly and that he thought I was pretty close to perfect.  (He must have thought that because he never voiced any judgments of me.)
I always felt respected as well as loved.  That surely made him easy to live with most of the time.

The Most Generous Gift We Can Give Ourselves

When I was reading one of my recovery books this morning, I was happy to see one of the sentences that expressed a central principles of recovery programs.  The meaning was not new.  I've seen it and heard it thousands of times over the years, but I was just delighted to see it expressed in a way that was new to me.

Basically, it just said that maybe the most generous gift we can give ourselves is to treat everyone with compassion and respect - even those who have treated us badly.  Maybe even ESPECIALLY those who have treated us badly. 

Well, I used to think, that idea is just dumb.  How could anyone but a saint even do it?  Plus, how could that attitude possibly be a gift to myself? 

Of course, the reading explained it, and the answer is ridiculously obvious:  Harboring anger and resentment toward people who have treated us badly just keeps us tied to the past and to an ongoing cycle of bitterness that keeps us feeling miserable and victimized!

I have to be constantly reminded that it's to my benefit to live by spiritual principles.  It isn't to make me into a good person necessarily, but to make me into a happy, joyous and free person!!!

Confusion, Consternation and Fascination - Sex Over a Lifetime

I feel obligated to write about what I've learned about sex over a lifetime, but I realize I actually don't know that much.  Which is a shame since sex seems to rule the world - well, money is the big ruler but sex is all mixed up with money anyway.

I guess that since sex is all mixed up with rules, shame, guilt, confusion, judgment and general ignorance, it's no wonder that it hasn't been a big topic of scientific research until the recent past.  Even now, it seems to be a bit taboo as a research subject.

I thought that by the time I reached a ripe old age (which I achieved when I reached 70 two and a half years ago), science would have gathered enough information to at least reduce the misery human beings are in because of sex a little bit.  But not so far as I can see.  I'm sad because I'm probably going to die before much gets better.

So, here's the thing - sex is one of the most powerful urges on the face of the earth.  Hunger is first but right after that comes sex.  And we are all ignorant but we passionately don't believe in our ignorance. Most of us seem to believe we already know everything about sex.  Not knowing that we don't know and believing that we do is the absolute worst kind of ignorance.

And our ignorance is causing misery everywhere.  Here's a partial list:

• Unwanted pregnancies
• Unwanted children
• Parents who never wanted to be parents and who don't know how to be parents or are so messed up themselves that they are unable to parent.  Leading to abused/neglected children who grow up to be dysfunctional adults
• Sexual jealousy leading to violence
• Massive guilt and shame
• Clueless adolescents misusing their sexuality
• Wars fought over beliefs about sexuality
• Rape
• Other types of violence against women
• Unhappy marriage partners
• Hate crimes against gays
• Subjugation of women
• Men believing they're not good enough for all kinds of sexual reasons.
• Young girls believing that their sexuality determines their worth in the world.
• All sorts of bad hard-wiring that causes sexual predation of children, serial killers, etc.
• Politicization of sex - laws governing it, etc.
• AIDs epidemic in Africa

Then, here is a list of the things I wish would happen:

*  Everyone gets operating instructions for how their own body works.  (When I was growing up, there was no information at all.  I guess they thought that if we knew nothing, we would do nothing.  Haha and good luck with that!)
*  Everyone gets operating instructions for how the other sex's body works. 
*  Everyone gets instructions on how to manage their sex drive so that our sex drive doesn't drive us to do things we don't want to do.  This instruction would be mandatory for kids going into puberty.  (I don't mean cold showers.  That's stupid.)  I'm not sure there's even been any research on how to do this.
*  Everyone in or past puberty has easy, free access to birth control so that there are no unwanted pregnancies, no unwanted children, and no parents that don't want to be parents.
*  Everyone who has a child and decides they don't want to be a parent can drop the child off at the local fire station.
*  People who are hardwired to be attracted to children or want to rape or other sadistic sex urges are encouraged to get medication to eliminate their sex drive before they hurt someone.  If they do hurt  someone, they are in prison forever or must undergo mandatory elimination of their sex organs - their choice.
*  Medication to temporarily eliminate sex drive would be readily available to anyone who feels their sexuality is a burden.
*  Last but not least - and this is just a hope that will probably not be realized any time soon - religion that condemns people for their sexuality and sexual expression that hurts no one would cut that out. 

Give and Take in a Partnership

I'm currently single (and happy about it), but I've been married three times.  I learned a lot.  I've learned a lot more in my recovery program.  I also talk to a lot of people who are in a partnership and having conflict.  I've learned a lot from that too.

The thing is, from time to time one of the partners has a huge desire of the heart that if it were satisfied would make the other person feel like he/she were living in hell.  Unfortunately this kind of situation is kind of frequent - just my observation.  I'm not talking about the day to day conflict of where we eat dinner, who left the trash overflowing, etc.  I'm talking about the big stuff when someone really wants something and the other person feels terribly threatened.

I recently heard from one side of a conflict like that.  Luckily neither one of the partners blamed the other one.  Blame is usually the way it goes. Both sides feel attacked.  Then the conflict escalates into who's right and who's wrong, good/bad, etc.  Both see the other as an enemy.  Neither side wants to give in because they don't want to feel like the other person controls them.  Usually these fights get really messy and mean, and there are a lot of permanently hurt feelings. 

But in this case both sides listened to the other.  One of them gave in because of the pain the other person was in at the very thought of the potential change.  I'm sure that was hard to do.  They are to be congratulated for not trying to tear each other to shreds in a power struggle.

Rocketed into the Fourth Dimension, Part 2

Let's see...since just before Christmas I've had one difficulty after another.  Eye doctor said I needed to do cataract surgery.  The guy that drove my car out of the car wash didn't speak English that well and didn't do my left-foot accelerator that well either - drove it right over a three-foot high concrete barricade, which according to State Farm, totaled it.  I missed Christmas with my Texas family.  I was coming down some stairs after a movie with friends on New Year's day, and twisted my bad knee.  There was an ominous pop and I left there in a wheelchair.  I missed my middle grandson's graduation from Air Force basic training.  About the time my knee healed and I was pretty much healed from the cataract removal from my right eye, I got the flu.  (I forgot about the flu shot - so much else was going on.)  My car was finally fixed (it wasn't really totaled) and I drove it home.  I pulled into the garage as far to the right as I could so that I could get the driver's door open all the way, making it possible for me to get out of the car without having to bend my right knee.  I miscalculated and ripped the right mirror off.  During this whole time, the weather was very wintery - snow, ice, bitter cold. 

So...   In the past any one of those things would have caused me to completely freak out.  Fear would have overcome my rational mind.  My self-criticism would have escalated and I would have kicked myself from here to Sunday.  All of those things happening in a short period of time ... well, I can't even imagine what I would have been like.  Instead, I laughed.  (I also cussed a good bit, but I laughed at the same time.)  I realized that all of that stuff was just stuff that happens.  The part I played in it just proved that I'm human.  Like I've been taught in recovery, I looked for the good in each event.  I'm still looking but I'm sure I'll find something to appreciate.  The lucky thing is that my friend, Eric, has been staying with me so he drove me from here to there, went to the store, picked up prescriptions, put drops in my eyes, heated up canned chicken and noodle soup and made soothing noises.

None of that may sound like much, but I am convinced that it's proof that I've been rocketed into the fourth dimension.  I was mildly irritated instead of being a basket case.  It was pretty peaceful inside my head.  I decided that God had given me another opportunity for a retreat.  I read Anne Lamott's latest book on spirituality and the latest issue of the Sun magazine.  I lost a couple of pounds.  Definitely the fourth dimension.

"Rocketed into the Fourth Dimension"

I recently talked with someone who was questioning the phrase, "rocketed into the 4th dimension" from the Big Book.  I'm not sure what she thought it meant, but she was pretty sure it hadn't happened for her.  She said she had been rocketed into a normal life.

So, from listening to her, I went back in time to when I felt like I had been rocketed into the fourth dimension and what that meant to me.  The simplest explanation was that I had had a spiritual awakening.  It was a feeling rather than a lifestyle change where I got a bunch of money, a fabulous boyfriend, and looked like a super model.

My best description is that I felt my spirit wake up.  I knew I had a spirit, but I wasn't sure where or what it was.  It was kind of a gradual process.  I felt as if I was in touch with a part of my original, true self as I was created to be and that that self was absolutely loved by my Creator. 

My spirit has never gone back to sleep again.  My spirit keeps pushing me toward living my life from my heart instead of my head.  My Creator speaks to me through my spirit.  My spirit is never afraid, is always accepting of all of life, is eager to see what life is going to bring next, and is totally confident that she can create the life she was created to live.

I don't know if I actually felt rocketed but certainly one minute my spirit was asleep and the next minute she was awake.  It wasn't all that dramatic and still isn't.  What a gift.

I Want to Understand Points of View Other Than My Own

I've been puzzling for days over Mike Huckabee's comment that Democrats are trying to make women think we need the help of the government to regulate our libidos.  I'm completely lost.  Since he said it in terms of birth control, I guess it must mean that if women could regulate our libidos, we wouldn't need birth control.  I guess if I would have been able to regulate my libido, I would never have become pregnant accidentally. 

I guess unwanted pregnancies are a function of women's unregulated libido rather than lack of birth control.  Which adds up to:  don't have sex unless you want to get pregnant - which would be about twice in a lifetime for most women.  Not only would we women have to have tight control on our libido, that would pretty much mean a whole lot less sex for men - except and unless they paid for it or got it from women who wanted endless numbers of kids. 

Well, I can't really figure this out.  Was he serious?  Is that really what a lot of conservative men think? 

I'm Censoring Myself

Sometimes my mental censorship is a good thing.  Sometimes it's not.  A lot of what I think is not necessarily a good thing to share.  I used to believe that my thoughts were the truth and that they represented me - who I am.  I've learned - and a fabulously helpful lesson it was - that a great many of my thoughts are pretty meaningless.

One of the spiritual journeys I've taken and am still on, is the practice of watching my thoughts.  Some of what I observe might be useful to someone else even though I would probably get quite a bit of disagreement from a number of people.  When I'm watching my thoughts, I try to set aside those things that might be useful from just the random stuff that wanders through my mind.

It occurs to me from time to time that all of us seem to be focusing on a bunch of things that are pretty irrelevant to our quality of life and ignoring things that might really help us live our best lives.  I can't speak for anyone but myself, but when I'm ignoring stuff that could really be in my best interests to pay attention to, I'm usually unconsciously trying to protect myself from noticing that I am the one who could stand to make some changes!

Here are some things I tend to censor:

Nutrition - It's clear from all the scientific research that the quality of our lives is hugely dependent on what we put in our mouths.  In relation to how massively important it is, the amount of attention I pay to what I eat is pretty small.

Exercise - I have many, many excuses for why this item isn't near the top of my priority list.  After all, I'm kind of old, kind of disabled, and what do you expect of poor little old me?  Oh, come on:  once again exercise is at the top of the researchers' list for creating quality of life.

Meditation - Many amazing things have been discovered by studying regular meditators.  It doesn't seem to matter what religion they are or if they even have one, but spending some time being quiet and still for a few minutes every day seems to make a huge difference in their stress levels, their ability to get along with other people, etc. etc. 

Okay, okay.  I'll stop censoring the thoughts about these obvious priorities and put some more effort into them instead of the bologna I usually pay attention to and report back.

Responsibilities I Believe I Must Take Seriously

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was very upset with a couple of people whom she's close to in her life.  Being a very talented problem solver, I started trying to share some ideas about ways to solve the conflicts without trying to change the other person.

She got even more upset - probably because she was venting not problem solving and I was wrecking her vent with solutions.  The thing is, she had already told me about these problems multiple times and in my mind the venting wasn't doing either of us any good. 

My responsibility that I lost track of in that conversation because I was trying to please her, was my responsibility to myself.  Once I realized she wasn't in a problem-solving mood, I could have just excused myself politely from the conversation.  But because I care about her and knew there were some easy solutions that would take her out of her upset, I foolishly tried to convince her to problem solve.

What a waste of time that was!  I ended by apologizing for my foolishness and made a mental note to at least remember to ask people who are venting, if they want me to help them problem-solve or not. 

A Life Centered Around Self-Love and Self-Caring

I was taught that a "good person" always put other people ahead of him/herself.  Of course, I was also taught that this was supposed to be even more true for women.  That putting yourself first, loving yourself, and self-care were bad - selfish attitudes that made you a bad person.

Those lessons led me to a place where I never got enough sleep, enough nutritious food, dental and medical care.  Funny thing - living like that created chronic anger without my really being aware of why I was so angry (and sad and fearful and totally overwhelmed).  I had nothing to give to anybody.  All I really wanted was a day off!

I mistakenly thought that the solution was for other people to take better care of me.  Then I landed in a recovery program because I was truly at the end of my rope.  They told me that well-intentioned people had simply taught me things that weren't true.  And that I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of myself. 

Since then I've been on a long, long, journey of learning how to take care of myself.  I began by doing the obvious things - food, rest, medical and dental care etc. 

Then I realized that I had developed a disdain for fun - that I believed that in deadly serious world with problems galore to be solved, taking any time for fun was just plain evil.  So I tentatively started to explore what I thought might be fun.  I discovered that as an adult I still liked to swing.  It's kind of embarrassing to go to the park and wait your turn with all the kids, but it was totally worth it.

So, now years later, I'm still practicing.  I'm not an expert at this yet.  But I can say that I continue to discover what, for me, a life centered around self-love and self-caring looks like. 

The basics of food, rest, exercise and medical and dental care continue to get better and better as I learn more.  I see the dentist four times a year and by so doing, my gum disease has been arrested.  I go for my annual check ups.  I get a flu shot.  I've studied nutrition tailored to a woman of my age with the health issues I have and I work at creating food that I love and that meets my needs.  With research and expert help, I have an exercise program that also meets my particular needs - a little bit of seated aerobics, modified yoga, strength training, and a lot of exercises to keep my core muscles strong. 

I've learned that treating other people the way I want to be treated usually causes other people to treat me well.  Even when it doesn't turn out that way, I'm okay because I've learned that people treat other people the way they treat themselves.  If they treat me badly, it's usually because their own self-care isn't good.  I've learned to listen better although I still need a lot of work in that area.  I've stopped trying to change people (usually) and just ask for what I want.  If they don't want to, I work on acceptance.  If people treat me badly, I ask them not to.  If they don't change, I put distance between us. 

I realized too that part of a life centered around self-care and self-love is to use my talents.  That's been a lot harder because I ran right up against my fear of being judged.  So now I'm working on growing a thicker skin.  I've taken classes and try to do something with my talents every day.

There was a little piece of the truth in what I was taught about giving to others.  It turns out that sharing with other people is also a way for me to take care of myself.  The thing is, it's important for me to give from a place of plenty - which I can do when I've taken care of my own needs first. 

A Retreat Arranged by God

Snow days weren't a big deal when I was a kid.  Unless there was a sheet of ice on the roads, we just carried on.  Since I was an only child and we lived in the country, getting time off from school wasn't that exciting.  There weren't any other kids nearby and it was a time before television.

Later when my kids were home from school because of snow, I either had to go to work anyway or we found ways to entertain ourselves.  But it didn't really seem like a vacation.

In most recent years, I usually just carry on.  Unless there's a bunch of ice.  In my mind, it's more than a little bit wimpy to let snow scare you.  I've got front wheel drive on my car and I just carry on.

Last week when we had the blizzard of 2013, and the local stations were going on and on about the snow (we had four whole inches), it suddenly occurred to me that I could take a snow day.  I hadn't realized it before but God was giving me a gift - I could just check out of life until a melt!

It's probably just the stage of life I'm in, but I've been noticing that I enjoy quiet more than I ever have in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I'm recovering from a lifetime of scurrying around from this to that, in a noisy world, trying to stay out of trouble with other people. 

A blanket of white silence outside, the bright white light from the white outside coming through my windows had the unusual effect of quieting my mind and body.  I ate, slept, prayed, sat and thought, listened to music and read Winnie the Pooh.  When the melt came, I wasn't quite ready and so pretended to be snowed in for a couple more days.

There is No Situation too Difficult to be Bettered and No Unhappines too Great to be Lessened

The closing that's read at the end of one of the recovery program meetings I attend contains the above sentence.  I love it because of its unfailing truth!

When I came into recovery I was in many, many very difficult situations and was extremely unhappy.  I felt hopeless and helpless.

Very gradually the people of the program showed me how my situations could be bettered and my unhappiness lessened.  That sounds like it was a lovely, delightful process.  But it wasn't.

I actually hated every minute of that process.  What I wanted was for them to tell me how to make the people change that I thought were causing my problems.  I had very detailed stories about how wrong those other people were.  But they didn't listen - they just pointed out that I had many possible solutions that did not involve anyone else changing but me.  I felt accused of being at fault.  I felt as if I was being told I should have already thought of the ideas they offered to me.  I was sure they just really didn't understand how innocent I was and how guilty those other people were.

I didn't begin to open my mind until I had truly had all the pain I could stand and then I thought I might try some suggestions even though I still felt as if they really just didn't understand.

Lo and behold!  Their suggestions worked.  Over time I've realized that my resistance was really my ego wanting to always be right and wanting to blame somebody else for my problems.

I've come to understand that whenever I'm blaming and complaining, it's my ego trying to shield me from my own harsh self-judgments.  I've forgotten that I am a child of God, with flaws but still a divine creation and that it's not my job to live in self-hate.

When I can (with the help of mentors) turn my attention to the question, "What can I do (with the help of God) to make my situation better," I find that I have many, many options for solutions and partial solutions. 

The unexpected outcome for me is that I actually have a good time solving problems now.  It's great entertainment.  Thanks to things like "Google" I have a world of ideas open to me!

"Solicitous Domination"

Eeew!  A very creepy phrase: solicitous domination." I read this in a recent reading in one of my meditation books.  It was referring to the pattern of behavior that's common to folks taking care of someone who needs care. 

I noticed when I worked for the Alzheimer's Association and talked to a lot of family members who were caring for someone with Alzheimer's that it was very common for the caregiver to speak to the person as though he or she was not all there.

Of course, the person actually wasn't "all there," but he or she didn't know that and usually became very angry about being spoken to in a way that seemed very disrespectful to him or her.  Solicitous domination. 

Then I began to notice that that "solicitous domination" was very common with all caregivers.  I used to say that it seemed to be a human thing to become obnoxiously bossy when someone needed help. 

Then I noticed that I was that way with my husband when he was ill.  I seemed to think that I should tell him what to do all the time.  I eventually apologized to him and, for the most part, was able to give him enough respect to let him decide for himself how he was going to live his life.

Of course, I had good motives:  I loved him and I wanted him to feel better and I wanted him to live for a long time.  However, good motives didn't excuse obnoxious bossiness (solicitous domination). 

After the 2005 wreck when the love of my life died and I was seriously injured, the awareness of the common behavior pattern in caregivers came in handy.  For quite awhile I was completely dependent on the people around me and had the experience of being bossed.  Because I knew it was a common behavior in caregivers, I didn't get my feelings hurt or get angry.

Not everyone was like that and the ones that were probably had the same good motives as I had when I was like that.  They loved me and wanted me to get better and thought they knew what I should do.  Sometimes they were right.  A lot of the time they were wrong. 

I didn't say much because I didn't want to piss anyone off.  I just ignored as much of it as I could and when it was necessary, I called in expert opinions to be sure what was right.  In my heart, I had to know that this was a case of "what goes around, comes around."  I gave my husband several years of bossiness (solicitous domination), and I only had to deal with a much shorter time. 

I am still learning that although I might be very very sure that I know what someone ought to do about whatever problem is going on in his/her life, I actually cannot be sure at all.  Plus I am way out of line by telling them what to do when I haven't even been asked because their lives are theirs.

Of course, I think I'm pretty smart so it's often been hard to shut up.  I've collected some lovely rolls of masking tape that I keep around to remind me that I will never regret keeping my mouth shut!

Living from Intention and Intuition

I've been listening to Oprah and Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation challenge.  One of the recent ones reminded me of some old, old lessons I've learned.

By old I mean that one of them was first taught to me over 30 years ago before I even got into recovery and the other one I learned very early in recovery.

The concept of "intention" was something I learned in some pretty off-the-wall seminars I took in the 70s.  Off-the-wall or not, I got some information that really helped me navigate some very difficult times. 

The concept is that we can either have unconscious or conscious intentions.  Either way our intentions guide our behavior and therefore create our lives.  It's a whole lot better to have intentions that we choose because otherwise we are kind of driven by whatever our brains come up with at the spur of the moment - which may or may not be what we actually want.  Impulses are not always healthy or positive!

I learned early in recovery from my spiritual mother that rational thinking has it's place but intuition often trumps it for inspiration, God connection, and living from a spirit of love. 

Intention was relatively easy for me to grasp how to use it.  I understood that I could have a vision and intention for my life, for each day of my life and for each moment of my life.  By consciously choosing my purpose/intention, my life grew more and more satisfying.

Intuition was much, much harder.  All the explanations and definitions just seemed kind of lofty and full of air - nothing to get hold of; nothing real.  My spiritual mother suggested I just look back through my life for situations when I had had understanding or knowledge that didn't come from my rational mind. 

Sure enough I could remember many of them and how when I ignored the knowledge, I paid a price.  She said she thought that God and our hearts spoke to us through our intuition, and that by following that guidance we would be able to steer through difficulties that used to have us stumped. 

I'm still practicing choosing intention and daily practicing connection with my intuition.  It's easier but still pretty mysterious.  It has paid off in so many ways.

Struggle, Struggle, Struggle

Periodically I read back through my journals.  I've been journaling pretty much every day since 1996 so I have piles of them.  (I've requested that my oldest daughter gather them up and trash them as the first thing she does after my death since there's not a thing in them worth reading by anyone else.  No secrets, no dramatic revelations.)

What's in all those piles of paper is a long history of struggling to use my time and energy in the way I most want to.  I'm pretty much always writing about the war I'm having with myself to lose weight, eat right, exercise, keep tight track of my finances, get done for my kids with disabilities what I think needs to be done, and last but hardly least, finish the writing projects I start.

In little teeny, tiny inches forward, I can see by reading back that I make progress and that it is worth the struggle. 

Powerlessness does not Equal Helpless nor Hopeless

I am so amazingly powerless.  I thought that was a terrible thing when I first admitted it.

Turns out it's just the first step to real power.

I have an infinite number of options in every situation of powerlessness.  I just don't have to power to overcome addiction, other people, remove my own character defects, etc.

I can always ask God for direction and the power to carry out that direction. 

What is absolutely certain:  God's ideas are always for the absolute good for everyone and I would never have thought of them by myself.