When I had been in recovery about 9 months I realized that I had consistently done something for 9 whole months - I hadn't taken a drink, I had gone to several meetings a week, I talked to my sponsor almost every day, almost every day I had read some of the literature and had asked God to help me pretty much every day. That alone was a huge awakening - I knew that I had never ever before in my life, done that many things consistently for that length of time. I knew it was a miracle. I wasn't a believer in God, but now I was suspecting that there must be a force for good in the universe that had given me the power to do those things.
Then at about that same time I realized that I was happy and had some peace of mind. Happiness and peace were new things for me. AND I had none of the things I thought I must have to be happy - my finances were a mess, I had lost my job, my daughter who was still at home was going through a terribly difficult adolescence, plus I hadn't even had a date with a guy in several months. That was a miracle too. The only thing that had changed was my willingness to do some simple things.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
A few pix from Christmas
The gorgeous jewelry box from Adam and Thien in its place of honor.
The "check" from Aaron that promises me help with my wildflower garden.
This year's collage.Thursday, January 19, 2012
Spiritual Awakening #2
After the awakening that the only place to live was in the present, I had another amazing realization, thanks to the same counselor that told me about the book, Your Erroneous Zones. I called her, having a huge fit because my husband had left our youngest two children in the house alone while I was at the grocery store. Both of them were very severely disabled, and when I got back there were windows broken out and various other disasters had occurred. He was in the backyard working in the garden. I was completely beside myself.
She asked me what I thought needed to happen, and I said that he needed to change! She asked me how long I had known him (15 years), and what he had changed during that period of time. I said he now ate vegetables. She said that many people would have self-examined during that period of time with as many life changing experiences that he'd had during that period, and that they would have made some changes. Since he had not, she said, how likely was it that anything she or I could say or do would get him to change. A flash of light went on - he wasn't going to change! She said that we were now getting somewhere. So, if he's not going to change, she said, what will you do to fix this problem. Of course, the obvious answer was that I need to get a babysitter if I left the kids at home while I went somewhere else.
It was another wake up call to stop waiting for other people to see things my way and do what I wantedno matter how right I thought I was. From then on I either asked someone else to watch the kids when I went some where or I went when they were in school.
She asked me what I thought needed to happen, and I said that he needed to change! She asked me how long I had known him (15 years), and what he had changed during that period of time. I said he now ate vegetables. She said that many people would have self-examined during that period of time with as many life changing experiences that he'd had during that period, and that they would have made some changes. Since he had not, she said, how likely was it that anything she or I could say or do would get him to change. A flash of light went on - he wasn't going to change! She said that we were now getting somewhere. So, if he's not going to change, she said, what will you do to fix this problem. Of course, the obvious answer was that I need to get a babysitter if I left the kids at home while I went somewhere else.
It was another wake up call to stop waiting for other people to see things my way and do what I wantedno matter how right I thought I was. From then on I either asked someone else to watch the kids when I went some where or I went when they were in school.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Spiritual Awakenings I Have Had - #1
I heard a speaker say one time that all the spiritual awakenings she had were immediately preceded by rude awakenings. Very perceptive. I do have to add in all honesty that her perceptiveness and articulativeness didn't save her. She relapsed and died a few years ago. Just goes to show that being articulate and perceptive does not keep you sober. She stopped working a daily program and that's what happened.
Anyway, the thing about rude awakenings is true for me too. The very first awakening - both rude and spiritual - was when the very first counselor I ever saw told me to get the book, Your Erroneous Zones." She said to read it and do what it said and I wouldn't need to see her any more. Since I was completely at my wits end and was completely physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from trying but failing to meet my overwhelming responsibilities, I immediately set out to read it as fast as I could from beginning to end.
It was, in my opinion, a very badly written book. It also challenged my belief system. As I read it, I occasionally threw it against the wall. Finally the lights went on when I got nearly to the end of the book. Contrary to what I had believed, the author said that I wasn't responsible for absolutely everything - that I could ask for help. He also said that complaining did absolutely no good whatsoever. Instead, he said, I should take responsibility for myself and start trying to solve whatever problems I was having. Most importantly of all, he said, worrying about the future and feeling bad about the past was a complete waste of time. Life is only happening in the present and that's where I should be living.
I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and I felt as if I was capable of solving my problems. I wish I could tell you that everything went well from that moment. But it did not. Unfortunately, I did not have a mentor to talk to to help me put the principles into practice. The only thing I was able to do on my own was learn to center myself in the present by focusing on what I felt, saw and heard around me instead of focusing on my thoughts. I was able to be "present" most of the time which felt absolutely lovely. However, that didn't help me solve my problems.
I did ask for help - in fact, I demanded it. That didn't work at all and I was still left with the problems and now the people I demanded help from were pissed. Even so I had periods of absolute joy being present, which is definitely at the heart of spiritual awakening. I still have the skill of centering myself in the present no matter what is happening. I think that the present is where God is and the present is the only place I can get in contact.
Anyway, the thing about rude awakenings is true for me too. The very first awakening - both rude and spiritual - was when the very first counselor I ever saw told me to get the book, Your Erroneous Zones." She said to read it and do what it said and I wouldn't need to see her any more. Since I was completely at my wits end and was completely physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from trying but failing to meet my overwhelming responsibilities, I immediately set out to read it as fast as I could from beginning to end.
It was, in my opinion, a very badly written book. It also challenged my belief system. As I read it, I occasionally threw it against the wall. Finally the lights went on when I got nearly to the end of the book. Contrary to what I had believed, the author said that I wasn't responsible for absolutely everything - that I could ask for help. He also said that complaining did absolutely no good whatsoever. Instead, he said, I should take responsibility for myself and start trying to solve whatever problems I was having. Most importantly of all, he said, worrying about the future and feeling bad about the past was a complete waste of time. Life is only happening in the present and that's where I should be living.
I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and I felt as if I was capable of solving my problems. I wish I could tell you that everything went well from that moment. But it did not. Unfortunately, I did not have a mentor to talk to to help me put the principles into practice. The only thing I was able to do on my own was learn to center myself in the present by focusing on what I felt, saw and heard around me instead of focusing on my thoughts. I was able to be "present" most of the time which felt absolutely lovely. However, that didn't help me solve my problems.
I did ask for help - in fact, I demanded it. That didn't work at all and I was still left with the problems and now the people I demanded help from were pissed. Even so I had periods of absolute joy being present, which is definitely at the heart of spiritual awakening. I still have the skill of centering myself in the present no matter what is happening. I think that the present is where God is and the present is the only place I can get in contact.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sabbatical
Right after the first of the year I decided to take a short sabbatical from doing a whole bunch of things I don't want to do. I had three volunteer jobs that I kind of took out of either guilt or people-pleasing and then noticed that they were taking up the time I wanted to do other things that were really important to me. It turns out that it's a lot harder to quit than I ever imagined. One of the people has emailed me at least once and sometimes twice a day to ask if I would "at least" do this or that. I've said, "no." It's not getting through. The other person cried. Dear God. How do I get myself into these things!
So...today, in between continuing to say, "no." I sent a story off to one of my favorite magazines - the first time I've ever put any of my writing out in the hope it would be published. If I had kept saying yes, I would never have done it.
So...today, in between continuing to say, "no." I sent a story off to one of my favorite magazines - the first time I've ever put any of my writing out in the hope it would be published. If I had kept saying yes, I would never have done it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Unsolved Problems
I puzzle a lot over why we human beings keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. It's the definition of insanity and yet we don't seem to notice it - in ourselves or even in other people. I also call it "victim thinking" because we see the source of our problems being other people and/or our situations. Yesterday's reading in one of my meditation books addressed this and reminded me that learning a new perspective on myself and my life was so miraculous. I think I'm still hard wired to see my problems as originating outside of me but because I still talk to people in recovery, read the literature and go to meetings, I have these constant reminders of a much more helpful way of dealing with life.
"Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern." The writer of the meditation page was referring to the behavior of other people. He/she suggests that we ask ourselves when we are upset (one more time) with the behavior of someone else, how many times this has happened before. If it's three or more, it's time to quit hoping it will change and change ourselves instead. I used to think, "But it's him/her that's wrong; so he/she should change. What can I possibly do to help myself if the other person keeps on doing things that upset me?"
Well, there are a lot of pretty simple, but difficult answers: Like changing my expectations and accepting that this person, for whatever reason, is probably going to keep doing what he/she is doing. That alone can increase my peace of mind, because I won't be continually surprised that he/she hasn't seen the error of his/her ways and changed. I may need to distance myself temporarily from that person, or stop talking about a particular subject. A lot depends on what the actual behavior is, but I can always figure out what I need to change by talking to other people in recovery. It is never necessary for me to suffer because of someone else's behavior!
"Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern." The writer of the meditation page was referring to the behavior of other people. He/she suggests that we ask ourselves when we are upset (one more time) with the behavior of someone else, how many times this has happened before. If it's three or more, it's time to quit hoping it will change and change ourselves instead. I used to think, "But it's him/her that's wrong; so he/she should change. What can I possibly do to help myself if the other person keeps on doing things that upset me?"
Well, there are a lot of pretty simple, but difficult answers: Like changing my expectations and accepting that this person, for whatever reason, is probably going to keep doing what he/she is doing. That alone can increase my peace of mind, because I won't be continually surprised that he/she hasn't seen the error of his/her ways and changed. I may need to distance myself temporarily from that person, or stop talking about a particular subject. A lot depends on what the actual behavior is, but I can always figure out what I need to change by talking to other people in recovery. It is never necessary for me to suffer because of someone else's behavior!
Monday, January 09, 2012
It's Okay Darling...
Cheryl Richardson who has written several books on improving your life sends a weekly email to anyone who signs up, and of course, I signed up! This week's email had to do with New Year's resolutions. She doesn't like them either, but still the beginning of a new year is a good time to think about making changes that would improve your life. She said that research shows that all change comes about in fits and starts so we should be patient with ourselves. She recommends that when we get off track we should put a hand over our hearts and say to ourselves, "It's okay, darling. Just get back on track quickly." I like that. I'll be doing that a lot, I'm sure.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Non resolutions
January of each year is just an arbitrary time for change. Change can happen any time. Hope can happen anytime. What I want to know, what I wish research would focus on, is what are the most effective ways to make personal change. The universal problem is that people make resolutions (me included) and then....well, you know....All that actually happens is that we feel discouraged and bad about ourselves. I have read that the problem is that we are hardwired for short term pleasure rather than long term success and that overcoming the drive for short term pleasure is extremely difficult to overcome. At the very least someone surely has interviewed people like me who always say, "this is the year I lose 20 lbs" but who still weigh the same at the end of the year and then finally actually did it. Okay, National Institues of Health - where are you spending my tax dollars? All that research into heart conditions, diabetes, etc. would not be needed if we had the answer to the qeustion of how to get ourselves to hang in for the long term. There are lots of opinions and lots of ads on T.V. but where's the research that proves what will work?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Grief
"There are many forms of loss - divorce, incarceration, illness, death, even emotional change. When I lost the person I loved more than anyone in the world, I was more than devastated, and in my grief, I pushed everyone away...With the help of so many wonderful {program}members who held me and let me grieve in my own way and time...I learned to live with loss with pain, with despair, until eventually I began to feel alive again." Courage to Change.
This is the seventh Christmas after the wreck when I lost the love of my life. I am so grateful that I could mostly enjoy this Christmas season without having to pretend to be myself like I have had to in years past. I have learned that the world in general finds it difficult to put up with people who are in grief. We are irrational, irritable, morose, and generally no fun. They want us to act like ourselves and quit being so self-centered. I am incredibly grateful for all the program people who expected me to grieve and let me cry as much as I needed to, who expected nothing from me because they knew I had nothing to give. Because of them, I arrived at a Christmas season with a real smile instead of pretend one.
This is the seventh Christmas after the wreck when I lost the love of my life. I am so grateful that I could mostly enjoy this Christmas season without having to pretend to be myself like I have had to in years past. I have learned that the world in general finds it difficult to put up with people who are in grief. We are irrational, irritable, morose, and generally no fun. They want us to act like ourselves and quit being so self-centered. I am incredibly grateful for all the program people who expected me to grieve and let me cry as much as I needed to, who expected nothing from me because they knew I had nothing to give. Because of them, I arrived at a Christmas season with a real smile instead of pretend one.
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
Sunday morning meeting by the pond at the park. This one white duck looks like he feels like I used to feel - out of place.
Went to The Nutcracker ballet with friend, Mary. Another friend couldn't make it so gave us the tickets! Kids were getting their pictures taken with characters in the lobby.
My "for awhile" roommate had a bad case of tummy trouble so we went to the minor emergency center. This is a picture of the room we were in - someone decorated for a soothing effect.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Pix
Bob and Mary Ann with their brand new Christmas tree, hanging the ornaments they got from some of the NHS class of '59.
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These pix are of the rebuilding of Mary Ann and Bob's neighbors houses after the tornado in Joplin. |
Bob is taking a pic while I take one of him and friends
Mary Ann is opening the ornaments classmembers have given her and Bob to replace the ones they lost in the tornado.
Went to see the Muppets. The Muppets live in the same world as the Star Trek folks. Good always wins.
Monday, December 05, 2011
Babies
I kind of envision us humans as babies about a year old or less, standing in our cribs, screaming at the top of our lungs, faces red, tears dripping off our cheeks, snot running over our upper lips. We have poopy diapers and diaper rash. We are hungry. It has been a very, very long time since anyone kissed and hugged us and rocked us. We are wailing with all our might but no one is coming. Somehow we missed it when we grew into adults and were in charge of ourselves. Sure enough no one is coming because who we have to rescue us is us. All the blaming and complaining we are doing will never solve our problems.
Friday, December 02, 2011
So here's what I think...
I think that a whole bunch of people in recovery plus a whole lot of other folks (I'm including myself in this) are just stuck in the emotional development of a one-year old child. We complain and complain and judge other people and somehow miss it that there are a lot of things we could be doing to solve our own problems. I had a counselor/therapist tell me a long time ago that when you complain and complain about the same on-going problem over and over and over, it's like a little baby crying and crying and crying so that someone will come and fix the problem. Babies can't help it. It's the only thing they're capable of doing. If someone doesn't come and fix it, they just keep crying louder and louder until they exhaust themselves and then fall asleep.
From time to time I realize I'm doing this - sometimes it takes me years to see it. Recently I decided that if I complained about something for more than 24 hours (even just inside my head), I was going to talk to somebody and decide on what action I could take to solve the problem. I say this a lot, but it's true: I'm old and I don't have time to waste on fruitless whining. Since I'm not a baby anymore I can just ask somebody for help if I don't know what to do myself. Sometimes the solution is to accept what I can't change and turn my attention to something else - preferably something positive.
I see this one-year old behavior everywhere - especially in politics. It's just sad. Blaming and complaining don't solve problems. We're stuck in our grown up bassinets.
From time to time I realize I'm doing this - sometimes it takes me years to see it. Recently I decided that if I complained about something for more than 24 hours (even just inside my head), I was going to talk to somebody and decide on what action I could take to solve the problem. I say this a lot, but it's true: I'm old and I don't have time to waste on fruitless whining. Since I'm not a baby anymore I can just ask somebody for help if I don't know what to do myself. Sometimes the solution is to accept what I can't change and turn my attention to something else - preferably something positive.
I see this one-year old behavior everywhere - especially in politics. It's just sad. Blaming and complaining don't solve problems. We're stuck in our grown up bassinets.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Holidays
I've got my work cut out for me - it's that time of year. For many years now I've worked at enjoying the holidays. For a variety of reasons, it's not automatic. Left to myself, I would probably pretend that holidays were just ordinary days and go about my business. But after I got into recovery I decided that those days were there to be enjoyed and if I had to work at it, I would do it. Luckily, the love of my life was a holiday lover and that was a big help. We had some truly lovely times. We went to the zoo when they had it lit up with Christmas lights, we went to musicals and plays about Christmas, we had parties, we went to parties. Sometimes we went off by ourselves and just enjoyed each other. Since he's been gone, it's more work but I still believe it's worth it.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Pix
Kristin and teammates at soccer match.
Kitchen table
Above: Sharon's studio that they built on their house. She is such a wonderful artist.
Neighborhood tree
Kristin making math problems on the refrigerator with magnetic numbers.
Thanksgiving table
Oh look ! My Christmas tree and Christmas lights are already up. Wait - they're up all year.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wounds
I'm reading Geneen Roth's Breaking Free of Emotional Eating and she's giving me a lot to think about. At the time of the year when there's a special day set aside for being grateful, I am grateful for the people who write books and the publishers who publish them so that I can learn about myself and the world. I am reading a part of the book where she discusses the effect of "stuffing" our negative emotions (phrase borrowed from the program). "None of us lacks for wounds," she says. "Born of imperfect parents, sheathed in bodies that get ill and grow old, we are always subject to the aggressions and torment of others. We all have our stories." Instead of paying attention to our wounds and facing them, we try to run away by numbing ourselves with chemicals, food, gambling, sex, and/or self-righteousness. The running away process causes us to project our pain outward causing us to hate and hurt others who are already hurting from their own wounds. Profound.
"Everyone gets abandoned, everyone... We all have to live through the feeling of having nothing left when people we love walk out, or move away or die." So, what's the answer? Live through it. Love through it. Learn through it. Grow from it. Understand that we can be transformed from it.
"Everyone gets abandoned, everyone... We all have to live through the feeling of having nothing left when people we love walk out, or move away or die." So, what's the answer? Live through it. Love through it. Learn through it. Grow from it. Understand that we can be transformed from it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Changing of the Guard
Saturday was my oldest daughter's 50th birthday, and I was honored to be invited to the party. A long time ago I decided I was the "queen" of the family because I was the oldest (and by definition, the most wise). Of course, that's actually a joke - getting older doesn't really make you wise. But it occurred to me that when you turn 50 someone should crown you the queen, so I passed on the tiara I got at a women's retreat - it was child size so it just perches on the top of your head and falls off if you move in any way that isn't "queenly." (Stiff neck, chin up, back straight, slow graceful walk, etc.) Now she is the "wise" one and everyone should listen with humility to her advice - so now I'm off the hook. Not that anyone actually thought I knew what I was talking about!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Sitting Still
I read the same meditation books over and over. I think I may be on the third year of reading the two I'm on now. I was thinking about changing them out, or at least one of them out on January 1, but I read something this morning that has changed my mind. It's a weird thing that happens - and I hear this from other people in the program all the time - when I read the same thing over and over: I find stuff that seems to have just been put in the book. I couldn't possibly have read it before. But I must have. Since I saw something brand new this morning, I may just stay with these two books for another year.
The gist of it was that many of us have a hard time "sitting still" for recovery because our lives have been full of "fight or flight." Those are the two things we know how to do and neither one of them helps in recovery at all. It's hard to get in a fight in the program - although it is definitely possible. Mostly, though, people are working hard to learn NOT to fight. Depending on how far their recovery has come, they might just smile at you and hug you and tell you to keep coming back if you try to start a fight. Certainly people run away from the program all the time. There's a saying, "If you don't like the program, we will cheerfully refund your misery." So, people leave - running from truth, hard work, self-examination, ego-puncturing, etc. Lots and lots of us come back when we have hurt bad enough.
That "sitting still" explanation is very helpful to me. I've certainly been in that "flight or flight" mode for most of my life, and it still is hard for me to sit still. The people I work with have big trouble sitting still and working out solutions to problems. I'm thinking that they might be like me and just very used to either fighting or running. But problem solving requires sitting still and thinking and taking responsibility instead of running away or picking a fight -both of which make the cause of the problem other people!
The gist of it was that many of us have a hard time "sitting still" for recovery because our lives have been full of "fight or flight." Those are the two things we know how to do and neither one of them helps in recovery at all. It's hard to get in a fight in the program - although it is definitely possible. Mostly, though, people are working hard to learn NOT to fight. Depending on how far their recovery has come, they might just smile at you and hug you and tell you to keep coming back if you try to start a fight. Certainly people run away from the program all the time. There's a saying, "If you don't like the program, we will cheerfully refund your misery." So, people leave - running from truth, hard work, self-examination, ego-puncturing, etc. Lots and lots of us come back when we have hurt bad enough.
That "sitting still" explanation is very helpful to me. I've certainly been in that "flight or flight" mode for most of my life, and it still is hard for me to sit still. The people I work with have big trouble sitting still and working out solutions to problems. I'm thinking that they might be like me and just very used to either fighting or running. But problem solving requires sitting still and thinking and taking responsibility instead of running away or picking a fight -both of which make the cause of the problem other people!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Meditation Practice
I only took an interest in meditation when I saw it was in the 12th Step, which is coming up on 30 years ago. Before that I thought it sounded stupid and boring. I had friends who had a serious meditation practice that really irritated me. Nothing could start in the morning until they had sat still and in silence for 20 minutes and everything had to stop in the evening while they did the same thing. We were on vacation in Europe at the time, and I had other priorities. I just saw no point in it. They weren't any different after meditating than they were before. They weren't getting along and just went right back to fighting after their meditations.
My first sponsor gave me a little booklet on meditation. It wasn't program material but had been used by a lot of people in the program. It basically said to write down all the thoughts you needed to get out of your head (the to-do list, etc.) so that you had room to listen for God. Then it said to spend some time asking God for direction for the day and write down any thoughts you had. Then you should definitely check with someone before you carried out any instructions because it might be God or your wishful thinking. I loved this meditation and still do it a lot. Recently, though, I thought I would try a kind of Zen meditation and I find I am loving it too. I'm still not really sure what the point of it all is, but since it's in the steps...
Also I found a book I got at a used bookstore a hundred years ago. (How to Meditate by Lawrence LeShan) It talks about the point of meditation, which is to get the benefits serious meditators have received since history began to be recorded - a sense of being part of everything in the universe and a felt peace that stays 24 hours a day. I could use those benefits so...
My first sponsor gave me a little booklet on meditation. It wasn't program material but had been used by a lot of people in the program. It basically said to write down all the thoughts you needed to get out of your head (the to-do list, etc.) so that you had room to listen for God. Then it said to spend some time asking God for direction for the day and write down any thoughts you had. Then you should definitely check with someone before you carried out any instructions because it might be God or your wishful thinking. I loved this meditation and still do it a lot. Recently, though, I thought I would try a kind of Zen meditation and I find I am loving it too. I'm still not really sure what the point of it all is, but since it's in the steps...
Also I found a book I got at a used bookstore a hundred years ago. (How to Meditate by Lawrence LeShan) It talks about the point of meditation, which is to get the benefits serious meditators have received since history began to be recorded - a sense of being part of everything in the universe and a felt peace that stays 24 hours a day. I could use those benefits so...
Monday, November 07, 2011
Serenity Prayer
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I might not like this person/situation one bit, but I am willing to accept it with Your help. I will (with Your help) stop blaming and complaining and think and talk about something else. If there are things I can do to improve the situation without even thinking about changing someone else, please show me what they are. Maybe the change I want to see can begin with me. Maybe I could start treating him/her with the same kindness, courtesy and respect I want. I need Your help to trust that I am in Your care and have nothing to fear.
The courage to change the things I can...
Based on my past experience, I think there's a good chance the changing I need to do is my own thinking and behavior. I certainly am going to need your help with this too. This business of treating other people the way I want to be treated (even if they are not treating me that way), is really hard. My ego tells me that I need to straighten them out and show them what's what. My ego tells me that when I don't fight back, I'm a doormat. So it takes a lot of courage for me to not attack people. I need Your help to trust that I am in Your care. I need Your help to change my thinking so that I don't tell myself "victim" stories about how I am a feeble, helpless victim of other people and unpleasant situations. That's the only way I can have the courage to change myself.
And the wisdom to know the difference...
Well, it seems that it's not all that hard, rationally, to know the difference. I can, with Your help, change myself. I can't change other people and situations. The confusion comes from my ego that wants to tell me all problems come from other people and that I am always right. So, please help me not believe those lies and know that changing my own thinking and behavior can solve most problems. Even when changing myself is not enough to solve problems, behaving like a kind, respectful, rational adult (with Your help) in difficult situations can have a positive influence on difficult situations.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I might not like this person/situation one bit, but I am willing to accept it with Your help. I will (with Your help) stop blaming and complaining and think and talk about something else. If there are things I can do to improve the situation without even thinking about changing someone else, please show me what they are. Maybe the change I want to see can begin with me. Maybe I could start treating him/her with the same kindness, courtesy and respect I want. I need Your help to trust that I am in Your care and have nothing to fear.
The courage to change the things I can...
Based on my past experience, I think there's a good chance the changing I need to do is my own thinking and behavior. I certainly am going to need your help with this too. This business of treating other people the way I want to be treated (even if they are not treating me that way), is really hard. My ego tells me that I need to straighten them out and show them what's what. My ego tells me that when I don't fight back, I'm a doormat. So it takes a lot of courage for me to not attack people. I need Your help to trust that I am in Your care. I need Your help to change my thinking so that I don't tell myself "victim" stories about how I am a feeble, helpless victim of other people and unpleasant situations. That's the only way I can have the courage to change myself.
And the wisdom to know the difference...
Well, it seems that it's not all that hard, rationally, to know the difference. I can, with Your help, change myself. I can't change other people and situations. The confusion comes from my ego that wants to tell me all problems come from other people and that I am always right. So, please help me not believe those lies and know that changing my own thinking and behavior can solve most problems. Even when changing myself is not enough to solve problems, behaving like a kind, respectful, rational adult (with Your help) in difficult situations can have a positive influence on difficult situations.
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