Progress

Today was a good day for progress. Although I've spent the last couple of days resting my back without checking much off my todo/self-discipline list, I'm feeling quite grateful. I accompanied my youngest daughter to a new doctor - a neurologist - and was very pleased with what he had to say and with what kind of person he seems to be. I rarely mention my two youngest - a daughter and a son - because I try to keep my posts short and explanations about my two youngest do not lend themselves to short posts. Suffice it to say for this post that my youngest daughter, who is 37, has a long dreary history of neurological problems, beginning at one year of age. Because she has multiple disabilities, finding a doctor of any kind that would treat her like she was a real human has been an almost impossible struggle. We found this one because he has several other adults with severe disabilities as patients. So, today is a good day for progress. My daughter's well-being depends greatly on the personality, philosophy and skills of her physicians. When she's without good ones, I'm always worried about her at some level. Today I feel a weight being lifted! Yay!

Self Discipline Discovery

This is me when I've finished my "todolist!" Only once in my life have I ever finished a list and I had to stay up almost 24 hours to do it. So, my latest self-discipline project is to just try to do something on the list every day. Baby steps in other words. My list has now shrunk to just one 8 1/2 by 11 inch page. Incredible. I've never had such a short list. And this is while giving first priority to "rest." I've discovered that it is just no use at all to try to do anything unless I've had sufficient rest. In the process of recovery from injury, rest needed can vary enormously from day to day. For example, yesterday was a day when after 11:30 I just rested. Didn't do another thing except answer a couple of phone calls. Read a little bit. Fixed myself a small amount of food. Slept and watched mindless tv. In the past this behavior would have been accompanied by intense and miserable guilt and self-loathing which in turn would wear me out. Yesterday I just accepted that for some unknown reason I needed a huge amount of rest. I feel much more energetic today. It's a weird way to describe self-discipline, but allowing myself to rest almost all day and all night without guilt required all my self-discipline.

Sublime 2009 update

I think this is going to be the year I'm able to walk without support. I'm still doing physical therapy and working on discarding the cane a little at a time. As has happened several times in the past, my back goes out and I have to work with that and it slows me down. However, I'm doing well over all. This journey has been slow, but I have no complaints. It's time for me to take more shoes to the shoe repair place and have them built up on the right side to compensate for my shorter leg. Walking without the cane when there's no compensation for the difference in my legs makes me lurch a bit. I'm working on graceful walking!

Serenity Experiments updated

I've missed quite a few meetings this week. My wellbeing actually shows it. Physically I haven't been up to par and have used that as an excuse to stay home. Of course, as some part of me knew, I would have been better off to take my less-than-well body to a meeting. Nevertheless, I drove 4 1/2 hours to celebrate my granddaughter's 15th birthday and it was surely worth it. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be part of the grandchildren's lives. I remember very well the day she was born. She yelled loudly until she wore herself out and went to sleep. She had the biggest blue eyes I had ever seen in my life! Even the yelling is a happy memory.

More on Self Discipline

Change/self discipline or anything else related is difficult, or nearly impossible for me. I am a truly undisciplined person. So I am in a constant struggle with myself to improve in this area. It seems to me that there are two parts to work on - one is composed of the day-to-day chores that if left undone or done late create chaos and messes everywhere - such as paying the bills, doing the dishes and laundry, making the bed, errands - and on and on. Then there's the part that's composed of the actions or non-actions that move my life forward or keep it on hold - such as anything to do with work or creativity and my spiritual practices.

My usual way of handling these areas is to bounce back and forth, with one or the other taking precedence but not really getting anywhere with either area until the chaos and messes catch up and my fear of consequences causes me to take action. Around the first of every year I vow to clean these things up and every year I make a tiny bit of progress and then go backward. For the last three years I've had a wonderful excuse - my recovery from the wreck. But truly I've needed every bit of self-discipline I could summon to do the work of recovery. So here I am at the beginning of another year with the goal of improving in the area of self-discipline. This time I'm really looking at what the barriers are and looking for ways to get over or around them.

Some of my barriers are just expecting myself to "just do it" when I don't have the information on how to "just do it." Some of my deficits of information are time management skills, the need for really thinking through what I want to do and visualizing these activities, and practicing them. Then there's the problem of "why" and I've been using the "if I were a good person I would be self-disciplined" motivation. That always fails. Maybe a better "why" would be that I could build a better life for myself with better self-discipline. Another barrier is my self-image as a free spirit. In my mind, free spirits don't practice self discipline. It really messes up my image of myself badly. But I think free spirits like myself probably spend way too much time in chaos and trying to clean up messes caused by lack of self-discipline. This free spirit could use the extra time created by practicing self-discipline to be free.

Sublime 2009 - the year of my freedom from chaos and messes!

Self Discipline, continued

"Self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you train it, the stronger you become. The less you train it, the weaker you become. Just as everyone has different muscular strength, we all possess different levels of self-discipline. Everyone has some — if you can hold your breath a few seconds, you have some self-discipline. But not everyone has developed their discipline to the same degree." Steve Pavlina

Steve suggests we start developing the muscle of self-discipline from wherever we are at this point. Then he gives us a way of inventorying where we are. I really hate this:

Do you shower/bathe every day?
Do you get up at the same time every morning? Including weekends?
Are you overweight?
Do you have any addictions (caffeine, nicotine, sugar, etc.) you’d like to break but haven’t?
Is your email inbox empty right now?
Is your office neat and well organized?
Is your home neat and well organized?
How much time do you waste in a typical day? On a weekend?
If you make a promise to someone, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
If you make a promise to yourself, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
Could you fast for one day?
How well organized is your computer’s hard drive?
How often do you exercise?
What’s the greatest physical challenge you’ve ever faced, and how long ago was it?
How many hours of focused work do you complete in a typical workday?
How many items on your to do list are older than 90 days?
Do you have clear, written goals? Do you have written plans to achieve them?
If you lost your job, how much time would you spend each day looking for a new one, and how long would you maintain that level of effort?
How much TV do you currently watch? Could you give up TV for 30 days?
How do you look right now? What does your appearance say about your level of discipline (clothes, grooming, etc)?
Do you primarily select foods to eat based on health considerations or on taste/satiety?
When was the last time you consciously adopted a positive new habit? Discontinued a bad habit?
Are you in debt? Do you consider this debt an investment or a mistake?
Did you decide in advance to be reading this blog right now, or did it just happen?
Can you tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Next weekend?
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your overall level of self-discipline?
What more could you accomplish if you could answer that last question with a 9 or 10?

I have a little work to do in these areas. Of course, this is only one guy's opinion about self-discipline, but these are not bad ideas for developing self-discipline.

More to come.

Serenity Experiments update

I'm continuing the experiment of going to a meeting every day through the month of February. I legitimately missed three meetings due to ice. And then I missed a couple due to being checked out. Now I'm back on track with a meeting every day. I can't really tell whether I'm actually doing myself any BIG good, but certainly I am reminded every day that I am in need of conscious contact with God. By being reminded every day, I keep turning over my thoughts, emotions, and problems to God. What a blessing. I am reminded of the very real fact that I am a lot more powerless than I like to think, but that God is powerful and can run my world and THE world quite well.

If we waste time and energy talking about past injustices or old mistakes, we are unwittingly calling them back into our lives. We are bringing back garbage that should have been discarded permanently to make room for better things. ~Walk in Dry Places.

It took a lot of years in recovery before I was able to use the tools of the program to rid my mind of past injustices and old mistakes - mine or other people's. I am so grateful for the people I'm surrounded with who remind me when I get stuck there again. The only useful thing about thinking and talking about injustices and mistakes is to learn what I need to learn so that I don't repeat them and let other people off the hook for theirs. After that - I can enjoy my life.

"Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. " Steve Pavlina

I just found a blog that has a myriad of articles on such subjects as how to get yourself out of bed when the alarm goes off, etc It looks like I could sit here all day and just read this guy's posts and entertain myself without having to make any changes. Since I don't have all day (it's time for me to get ready and go for an appointment), I will just say that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that we recovering alcoholics are undisciplined people. It says that several times. I need to read Steve's stuff and see if it helps. I love the above definition. In the beginning of his article he says something like - wouldn't it be wonderful if when you noticed you were 20 lbs overweight, you just said, oops! I'm going to lose 20 lbs and then just did it!?

Courage to Change

I wonder why the Serenity Prayer says, "courage to change the things I can." Just today I started wondering about it. Hmmm. I've been saying this prayer for years - sometimes several times a day - and I just now wondered why it takes courage to change... Maybe because it's hard to admit that a change is needed. But it doesn't say that. It says, "courage TO change." Probably the answer is that for me any change is fearful. Even when things are really crappy, it's somehow more comfortable to stick with the familiar. No wonder I have to have a higher power helping in order to make a change.

Serenity Experiments update

I'm allowing days off from meetings when I think I need "rest" - which really means I'm checking out -retreating - allowing my mind, emotions and body to process and integrate the events I'm living with. I've checked this out with my mentors and advisors, and we agree - apparently I really need to do this and fighting it is useless. So - why not manage it so that it serves my well being instead of tormenting me with guilt. Boy, does that help. Having experienced some drama and upset a few days ago, in one of my important relationships (I was indeed being obnoxious without really realizing it, and paid a big price since I got a long rant from the other person about my being a control freak), I'm taking some days off to recover. I went to a meeting on Saturday but not Sunday. I did talk to one of my sponsors on Sunday. No meeting yesterday either but spent a couple of hours with another of my sponsors. Today the world is iced over so I have a wonderful excuse for hibernating.

"I have learned that, if we set our minds to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful...Be done with it!...Today I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what's good and right in my life. Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

The idea of turning our lives and our will over to the care of God is a very revolutionary thing to do. We are being told, "Let go of your excessive carefulness. Let the spirit guide you." When we are in touch with ourselves, with the people around us, with God, we are free to experiment. We don't learn from doing the same things correctly again and again. We learn from trying new things and making mistakes. Over control is spiritually deadening. This is a program of life. Our renewal is a miraculous event. Why stop now? We can be in touch with the messages around us without trying to control the outcome. When we let God do the worrying, we find many possibilities open up. As this adventure of life unfolds, I will not shy away from it. ~Touchstones

I love the idea of letting go of excessive carefulness. I am just a human being. I can't see all the dangers. I can't see the future. It's fruitless to even try. I can refrain from jumping off tall buildings but for other less obvious dangers, I must let spirit guide me. This guidance tells me that no matter what happens, I will be all right.

THE SIX FOOT LONG PURPLE TAIL

Someone told me that a way to recognize one's character defects was to listen carefully to what people tell you about yourself. If one person tells you that you have a six foot long purple tail, don't pay any attention. That's obviously crazy. But if a second person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should probably look. But if a third person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should just go ahead and make an appointment with a surgeon to have it removed.

From following this advice, I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know. I usually have no idea I have certain traits until someone tells me. One of the beautiful things about being in recovery is that my fellow travelers will almost always tell me what they see if I ask. I hate asking. But it's been valuable.

We have a new president. It gave me joy to see the joyful, hopeful faces of the millions who came to bear witness. My hope is that unlike Christmas, we will continue to be hopeful and helpful all through the next four years.

I stole this image from another recovering blogger's site. It's what I get from meetings. I'm always incredibly grateful when I leave a meeting. I've been reminded of who and what I am. I have received the miracle of a second chance at life.

I've been asked to share my story at my home group's open meeting tonight. Another great way to assess where I am in my journey even though I really don't like speaking that much. However, even though I don't like it, I always need to hear what I have to say.

Serenity Experiments update

Missed Monday. Was just not able to get myself to head for the meeting I'd chosen. I was very tired so rested instead. Tuesday I got to give a wonderful friend his 8 year chip. What an honor. Wednesday I attended a meeting I'd never been to before and saw a friend from 25 years ago that I hadn't seen in years. Today I went to a noon meeting and saw some more people I hadn't seen before. All three meetings reminded me that serenity comes from surrender.

Serenity experiment update: Meeting at noon yesterday was about the effects of an environment where addictions rule. Reminded me again of the importance and urgency of being aware of my hard wiring lest it get me into trouble in my current life. Meeting today: learning to recognize when I'm being affected by my past hardwiring so that I can change! Good stuff.

Serenity Experiments

When I first came into a 12 step program, I had a sponsor that suggested I treat using the tools of the program as experiments - in other words, try something for awhile and see what effect it had. The first suggestion she made was that I go to a meeting every day for two weeks and see what happened. Well, I didn't do a very good job of following that suggestion because I was too flaky to be consistent. But I managed at least part of a meeting six days out of seven and went to two on Saturday. Lo and behold! I felt SO much better. My flakiness diminished and my emotional pain was drastically reduced. That made a believer out of me. From then on, I tried out every suggestion at least for awhile. Some of them worked better than others but I learned how to use the tools of the program in my own life.

Right now I'm at another transition point in my life. I don't like transition points. They require decisions. They require change. I'm feeling unsettled and flaky. I'm in a certain amount of emotional pain. BUT it's time. My leg is almost healed. I'm almost finished with the projects I'm doing for my old employer. It occurs to me that serenity is the state of mind I most need when I'm at a transition point. Oh yes, I sarcastically say to myself, it is probable that the tools of the program could work again in this situation.

So, my first experimental tool will be a meeting every day from now until the end of the month.

Happiness

"If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good." Maya Angelou

It's been my experience that this is totally true. Even if I have to shove myself out of a screaming black depression to contribute something in the world, it's always a way to happiness - even if just for a moment!

Sublime 2009

Rebecca and Kristin at Hideway Pizza after The Nutcracker. Here here's me, Rebecca and her boyfriend at The Nutcracker. Then here are my two precious daughters at Hideaway's Pizza. Here's me cracking up over pizza after seeing The Nutcracker. My oldest granddaughter's boyfriend made me laugh like crazy!

Say goodbye to the crutch. According to my xray, the femur in my leg that's been broken for 3 1/2 years appears to be very nearly healed. I've switched to the cane and plan to be walking without support as soon as the muscles in my leg are strong enough. Another transition time. Another time for gratitude!