Well, I'm still working on that todo list but I'm finally seeing the end of it. And I'm not adding more things to it. Of course, the goal was to finish by the end of January and start the new year off with stuff done... Nevertheless, I feel pretty good about how much I have accomplished considering how little energy I have on some days.
I had my sleep study and now have a CPAP which still isn't being used since I can't figure out how to get the distilled water in there - but I'm close! I have been to physical therapy several times and can easily do all the balance and strength exercises Kathy gives me. In fact, I've resumed doing a little yoga. I can do down dog, warrior and triangle - not perfectly but well enough to really help my back. The yoga was something I added to the physical therapy exercises that I do almost every day now. I've resumed my meditation practice and have been able to be fairly consistent (5 days out of 7 most weeks). I've started eating my own cooking most of the time instead of take out. And since I'm getting enough sleep and better nutrition, I'm not hungry all the time like I have been for so long. I've even been able to feed some of my friends here and there. My will is almost finished. I still have to talk to some members of the family about it before it's finalized, but it's very close. I've gone through stacks of papers and thrown a lot of unnecessary stuff away. Extra blankets and sheets are now stored in those packages where you vacuum out the air - the thing is, the seal on the packages isn't great so... But they're stored anyway. My closets are now cleaned out and everything is where I want it so I can hang up my clothes after washing them! The black history event the Alzheimer's Association puts on each year as outreach to the African American community was a huge success. I didn't do much except help with some details and cheer Beverly on, but I did feel part of the success since I insist that we do it. There's more but I'm getting bored with this. So finally and best of all, I've arranged to do the first in a series of classes for recovering people that I know is needed but I'm not sure is wanted. The only way to find out is to offer them and see what happens.
The ability to do all of this is purely a gift. I just had a small disagreement with someone yesterday who insisted I was unique and wonderful because I have accomplished so much in the face of adversity. I insisted I was not unique and that everything I do and who I am is a gift. I'm totally not who I used to be. I enjoy the compliments but I know for a fact that I have not changed from my own resources. The love and support from friends, the love and strength given to me my higher power - all are the reasons I can do anything.
Thank you.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
My Valentines Day Present
This is my beautiful granddaughter, Rebecca, who was born on Valentines Day and is therefore my Valentines Day present every year. My oldest two grandson's were born on my birthday and the day after my birthday respectively and are, therefore, my birthday presents every year. So thoughtful of their mother to have these babies just to please me. And I am very pleased!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Happiness
"One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness - simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self-denial to a point, love of work, and above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain" - George Sand
I've noticed that when happiness is discussed like in the quote above, there is no mention of Prince Charming or large sums of money. I was raised on fairy tales where people suddenly became rich and were swept away by love. Of course, I am a child of the 40s and 50s, so everyone was taught this stuff. They didn't mention work, self-denial and clear consciences. If they had I wouldn't have believed them. I've been in love and I've had the experience of having enough money. Both are delightful. But I've also had the experience of not being in love and not having enough money and still being pretty happy. It's a relief to know that I have some ability to be happy no matter what. Right now I'm pretty happy. No prince charming and not very much money. I'm still pretty happy!
I've noticed that when happiness is discussed like in the quote above, there is no mention of Prince Charming or large sums of money. I was raised on fairy tales where people suddenly became rich and were swept away by love. Of course, I am a child of the 40s and 50s, so everyone was taught this stuff. They didn't mention work, self-denial and clear consciences. If they had I wouldn't have believed them. I've been in love and I've had the experience of having enough money. Both are delightful. But I've also had the experience of not being in love and not having enough money and still being pretty happy. It's a relief to know that I have some ability to be happy no matter what. Right now I'm pretty happy. No prince charming and not very much money. I'm still pretty happy!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Decisions
"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." Ancient Chinese proverb
Another great way to say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I used to think I was just a leaf in the wind - at the mercy of the people, circumstances and events in my life. Then I had an awakening due to my recovery program. It turns out that I'm responsible for my life through the decisions and choices I make. Not that I have control over others, the weather, world events, etc. but I am in charge of my responses. What a freedom! My life changed enormously.
Another great way to say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I used to think I was just a leaf in the wind - at the mercy of the people, circumstances and events in my life. Then I had an awakening due to my recovery program. It turns out that I'm responsible for my life through the decisions and choices I make. Not that I have control over others, the weather, world events, etc. but I am in charge of my responses. What a freedom! My life changed enormously.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Perfect Rose
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
-Dorothy Parker
This is really pretty funny. But I'd be very happy with one perfect rose. I've got some terrific Valentine's Day cards around here. Ron and I had a mushy card contest going - not just valentines. Which ever one of us cried, the other one won. Before Ron - I don't actually remember getting valentines - except, of course, in school when every one got one.
Almost everyone I've ever talked to hates Valentines Day. Men tell me they don't know what to get so they just ignore it. They're afraid their sweetheart will hate what they get. So, of course, women hate it because - well, that's obvious. Someone - maybe me - should set up a 900 number to give ideas to men for what to get for their sweethearts. For example, jewelry is always good. But lots of women might just be thrilled if he picked his dirty underwear up for the rest of the year.
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
-Dorothy Parker
This is really pretty funny. But I'd be very happy with one perfect rose. I've got some terrific Valentine's Day cards around here. Ron and I had a mushy card contest going - not just valentines. Which ever one of us cried, the other one won. Before Ron - I don't actually remember getting valentines - except, of course, in school when every one got one.
Almost everyone I've ever talked to hates Valentines Day. Men tell me they don't know what to get so they just ignore it. They're afraid their sweetheart will hate what they get. So, of course, women hate it because - well, that's obvious. Someone - maybe me - should set up a 900 number to give ideas to men for what to get for their sweethearts. For example, jewelry is always good. But lots of women might just be thrilled if he picked his dirty underwear up for the rest of the year.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Fear
"If your children were afflicted by fearful images, you would take them in your arms and rock them with a lullaby. And so we must begin to treat ourselves like our only child...We intensify fear by trying to force it away...the first step in healing fear is accepting it. " Unattended Sorrow. Stephen Levine
I lived my life in terror; driven to action by it; desperately trying to escape. I remember being afraid when my children were afraid because I didn't know how to comfort them - because I didn't know how to deal with my own fear. It was torture; only relieved by ingesting chemicals or being absorbed in reading something.
In recovery I was taught to examine my fear, talk to someone about it, and then get out of myself by helping someone else - although some of my suggestion-givers suggested I make my bed and go to the grocery store. They also suggested that I turn my life and will over to the care of God and be willing to accept whatever happened after that. I still had/have fear from time to time. I was so attached to Ron that his health problems caused me extreme fear, but I eventually began to have relief from that.
Right now I'm grateful because I really don't have fear - a little mild anxiety about money and health but even so the anxiety is really mild. At my age both those things are realistic to have some anxiety about, but the anxiety is mostly about not being able to handle whatever happens or just anxiety about being uncomfortable. It's really not enough to even cause much of a ripple on the surface of my mind.
I lived my life in terror; driven to action by it; desperately trying to escape. I remember being afraid when my children were afraid because I didn't know how to comfort them - because I didn't know how to deal with my own fear. It was torture; only relieved by ingesting chemicals or being absorbed in reading something.
In recovery I was taught to examine my fear, talk to someone about it, and then get out of myself by helping someone else - although some of my suggestion-givers suggested I make my bed and go to the grocery store. They also suggested that I turn my life and will over to the care of God and be willing to accept whatever happened after that. I still had/have fear from time to time. I was so attached to Ron that his health problems caused me extreme fear, but I eventually began to have relief from that.
Right now I'm grateful because I really don't have fear - a little mild anxiety about money and health but even so the anxiety is really mild. At my age both those things are realistic to have some anxiety about, but the anxiety is mostly about not being able to handle whatever happens or just anxiety about being uncomfortable. It's really not enough to even cause much of a ripple on the surface of my mind.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Economics
It really worries me that we're being told that spending money is what will help the current problems with the economy. I don't get it. It works the other way around in my household budget. When there's trouble, the answer is usually to spend less. As I've said before, I possibly should try to learn something about economics instead of just having opinions but I'm almost afraid if I learn something it might mess up my simplistic ideas. That might be a bad thing.
Businesses would still make money if people quit spending money on stuff they can't afford and don't need. The business that would make money would be the ones selling food and other necessities. That might not be a bad way to live for awhile. For every dollar I earn and then spend on something I don't need, is a certain amount of my life/time that I've wasted, because to earn the dollar I spent time and energy doing something.
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."- Henry David Thoreau
Businesses would still make money if people quit spending money on stuff they can't afford and don't need. The business that would make money would be the ones selling food and other necessities. That might not be a bad way to live for awhile. For every dollar I earn and then spend on something I don't need, is a certain amount of my life/time that I've wasted, because to earn the dollar I spent time and energy doing something.
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."- Henry David Thoreau
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Grief
On Monday I got up and did my morning stuff and then went back to bed. I felt really, really tired and just couldn't get it together. When I lay down I really expected to go right back to sleep but I just lay there feeling exhausted. I never did feel any better although I lay down all day. I finally fell asleep pretty early in the evening. When I woke up yesterday morning I didn't feel particularly rested although I had been resting for 24 hours.
Yesterday was a busy day - I had one appointment after another and made it to all of them. I was surprised when I went home in the afternoon that I wasn't particularly tired. All at once I was aware that Monday was Ron's 25th AA birthday. Our AA birthdays were really big days for us. Both of us loved the program, loved recovery and were absolutely joyous about celebrating. So some part of me was sad and it was expressed in physical tiredness. I've experienced this before - on the anniversary of my son's death I have been tired like that and unable to rest but didn't realize what day it was. I eventually learned to be aware and to spend the day remembering my son and celebrating his life instead of lying in bed.
Evidently I've passed into another phase of grief where my conscious mind isn't going to alert me to what day it is, but my body is going to grieve without my awareness. Interesting. I've never read about this in any books about grief but I'll bet I'm not the only one. I'll mark Ron's AA birthday on my calendar so I can celebrate it with awareness.
I'm so grateful for the awareness I have. Otherwise I would think I was crazy or something awful. It's not awful - it just is.
Yesterday was a busy day - I had one appointment after another and made it to all of them. I was surprised when I went home in the afternoon that I wasn't particularly tired. All at once I was aware that Monday was Ron's 25th AA birthday. Our AA birthdays were really big days for us. Both of us loved the program, loved recovery and were absolutely joyous about celebrating. So some part of me was sad and it was expressed in physical tiredness. I've experienced this before - on the anniversary of my son's death I have been tired like that and unable to rest but didn't realize what day it was. I eventually learned to be aware and to spend the day remembering my son and celebrating his life instead of lying in bed.
Evidently I've passed into another phase of grief where my conscious mind isn't going to alert me to what day it is, but my body is going to grieve without my awareness. Interesting. I've never read about this in any books about grief but I'll bet I'm not the only one. I'll mark Ron's AA birthday on my calendar so I can celebrate it with awareness.
I'm so grateful for the awareness I have. Otherwise I would think I was crazy or something awful. It's not awful - it just is.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Love and Fights
"When we have been attacked, the mystic's prayer is to feel from God the love that has been denied us by someone else. We pray for the ability to send love to someone who has withheld it from us, that we not contribute to the ....suffering between us...When someone has not shown us their love, our power lies in knowing that they would have, had they known how. " Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace.
Boy, do I wish I could do this. Attack = defend/counterattack in my hard wiring. Certainly only the grace of God can make any kind of change in my hard wiring. But from years of experience with loving my husband and knowing him in depth, I know it was true that on the occasions I felt attacked, he was usually attacking himself at some level. Every once in awhile I was able to respond in love; but mostly I defended and attacked back. Except for the time when he was really mad at me about something and in his frustration attacked me with the worst thing he could think of. He said I was the worst housekeeper he had ever seen. That time I was struck dumb. At that time I thought housekeeping was a waste of time, and took a certain amount of pride in only doing what I absolutely had to. So, it was the worst thing he could think of to criticize me for while I could be a little bit proud of it. Weird. I almost laughed. Glad I didn't.
Boy, do I wish I could do this. Attack = defend/counterattack in my hard wiring. Certainly only the grace of God can make any kind of change in my hard wiring. But from years of experience with loving my husband and knowing him in depth, I know it was true that on the occasions I felt attacked, he was usually attacking himself at some level. Every once in awhile I was able to respond in love; but mostly I defended and attacked back. Except for the time when he was really mad at me about something and in his frustration attacked me with the worst thing he could think of. He said I was the worst housekeeper he had ever seen. That time I was struck dumb. At that time I thought housekeeping was a waste of time, and took a certain amount of pride in only doing what I absolutely had to. So, it was the worst thing he could think of to criticize me for while I could be a little bit proud of it. Weird. I almost laughed. Glad I didn't.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
What You See is What You Get
The saying above was from Flip Wilson's Geraldine character on his tv show in the 70s. I loved that show. I think "funny" comes a lot from surprise and his show was surprising. Geraldine was a self-confident woman that put herself out there big time and didn't seem to care what anyone thought. She knew she was magnificent. One of the first things I was told in recovery was that we're only as sick as the secrets we keep. I was sure if I told someone all my secrets that I would be judged and rejected. But that's not what happened. I was loved and accepted instead.
These days I am not on guard all the time like I used to be to make sure no one saw the real me. It has become a habit to be who I am. I sometimes catch myself, however, keeping quiet about what I want for fear someone will think I'm grandiose. I'm working on letting those secrets go too. It works.
"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." - Reinhold Niebuhr
These days I am not on guard all the time like I used to be to make sure no one saw the real me. It has become a habit to be who I am. I sometimes catch myself, however, keeping quiet about what I want for fear someone will think I'm grandiose. I'm working on letting those secrets go too. It works.
"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." - Reinhold Niebuhr
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Direction
"I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome." - Golda Meir
Oh, this is very strange. It's exactly what I need to apply to my current situation. I didn't know how much of the time I try to figure out how something is going to work out as a way of determining what to do. And, of course, I have no idea how something is going to work out since I can't read the future. No wonder I get stuck. So, all I really have to do is ask my Higher Power and my heart "what is the next right thing to do?" Wow! Amazing. I usually have little trouble with this way of deciding a direction. But once I start trying to predict the future, I get really scared and get stuck. Okay. Onward.
Oh, this is very strange. It's exactly what I need to apply to my current situation. I didn't know how much of the time I try to figure out how something is going to work out as a way of determining what to do. And, of course, I have no idea how something is going to work out since I can't read the future. No wonder I get stuck. So, all I really have to do is ask my Higher Power and my heart "what is the next right thing to do?" Wow! Amazing. I usually have little trouble with this way of deciding a direction. But once I start trying to predict the future, I get really scared and get stuck. Okay. Onward.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Trust My Aspirations?
"How many dreams have we let die? How many projects did we start, only to leave them unfinished? How many times have we promised ourselves, "this time will be different," but then didn't work to make it so?" Each Day a New Beginning.
Okay; enough stalling around. Today is the day I quit cleaning house and start on these projects I've promised myself for a lifetime to get done. Ugh! I am really nervous. But time is up for sure. At 66 how much more longer can I stall!? I'm not even sure what is in my way except fear of failure and ridicule, but I know how to over come those obstacles. Of course in previous cases I've been driven by a greater fear of some kind like, "I must do this even though I'm terrified because my kids are in danger." Or," I must do this because I'll lose my job if I don't." I know about forcing myself forward through fear because of a greater fear but absolutely nothing about going forward because I want something badly.
I'm grateful for my recovery program because I'm not alone in my efforts. So, my first step is going to be to call some people for support.
Okay; enough stalling around. Today is the day I quit cleaning house and start on these projects I've promised myself for a lifetime to get done. Ugh! I am really nervous. But time is up for sure. At 66 how much more longer can I stall!? I'm not even sure what is in my way except fear of failure and ridicule, but I know how to over come those obstacles. Of course in previous cases I've been driven by a greater fear of some kind like, "I must do this even though I'm terrified because my kids are in danger." Or," I must do this because I'll lose my job if I don't." I know about forcing myself forward through fear because of a greater fear but absolutely nothing about going forward because I want something badly.
I'm grateful for my recovery program because I'm not alone in my efforts. So, my first step is going to be to call some people for support.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Just for Today
I had a diet coke with my burger which I ate at around 8:00 p.m. last night. Because of that I had a crummy night's sleep - went to sleep around midnight and woke up at 4:00. And I have a busy day ahead. I really want to get some of these items checked off my to do list that have been on there long enough for me to get worried. I need to order some checks, make a deposit at the bank, pick up a prescription (call from the pharmacy that if I don't pick it up, they'll put it back) and about 20 other things. I just detailed all this into a schedule and it doesn't fit in the time available - plus there's no way I have the energy after an abbreviated night's sleep. It seems I made some ineffective decisions somewhere along the way. Luckily I've been taught that I have choices. So just for today I'll enjoy my life anyway and accept with as good a grace as possible, my less than intelligent choices.
"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." Just for Today
"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." Just for Today
Monday, January 28, 2008
Faith
"Faith is a way of saying, "Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." -Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love
Faith isn't a word I use much. I'm bad at believing anything without some kind of proof. So, they told me to experiment. Try asking something I didn't believe in to help me. Being desperate, I did. Then I noticed that a lot of things were getting better that I had tried and tried to fix without result. Hmmm. I still don't understand, but now I think as a human I'm probably incapable of understanding. I don't need it. I have proof that there's a force for good that helps me every day.
Faith isn't a word I use much. I'm bad at believing anything without some kind of proof. So, they told me to experiment. Try asking something I didn't believe in to help me. Being desperate, I did. Then I noticed that a lot of things were getting better that I had tried and tried to fix without result. Hmmm. I still don't understand, but now I think as a human I'm probably incapable of understanding. I don't need it. I have proof that there's a force for good that helps me every day.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Change
"...when the time comes for us to accept a change. We'll know when it's coming. Our present circumstances will begin to pinch." Each Day a New Beginning
I've been ignoring my anxiety and procrastination about getting going with some projects I've promised myself to do. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a writer. I've been writing prolifically as part of my work for years and years, but I don't think about that as being a writer. I have many ideas for what I want to do and someone in my life who thinks what I write is publishable, but I've been stuck. However, right now my present circumstances have begun to pinch. That must mean it's time to move ahead. What I've been forgetting is that I'm not alone. If this is what is supposed to be, then it will happen. If not, it won't. The failure for me would be being on my deathbed having never given it a shot.
I've been ignoring my anxiety and procrastination about getting going with some projects I've promised myself to do. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a writer. I've been writing prolifically as part of my work for years and years, but I don't think about that as being a writer. I have many ideas for what I want to do and someone in my life who thinks what I write is publishable, but I've been stuck. However, right now my present circumstances have begun to pinch. That must mean it's time to move ahead. What I've been forgetting is that I'm not alone. If this is what is supposed to be, then it will happen. If not, it won't. The failure for me would be being on my deathbed having never given it a shot.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Economics
I'll start by admitting that I really am ignorant of the subject of economics. I probably need to study it since I have all these questions and ideas. Nevertheless, in spite of my ignorance, I have opinions.
When I was in junior high or high school, I think I remember learning that investing in stocks was about owning part of companies and getting dividends from companies that were doing well. You checked into public information about companies and invested in the ones that were doing a good job and making money. I don't remember a single thing about guessing which stocks were going to go up in price and making money that way. To my surprise as an adult it seemed to me that it was just a gamble/guess, and you had to sell the stock to make money.
No one seems to actually know why stock goes up or down in price. It seems like the "sheep" all run in one direction or another because they're scared of something or because they think they're going to get rich from buying stock when the market is going up. No one actually seems to notice that prices go up and then they go down. It's a crisis and everyone gets very upset when prices start going down - like it's never happened before.
Lots of people have lots of opinions about how it works, but I always want to know what their track record is - are they making lots of money from good guesses? That never seems to be shared as part of their opinion. Scary.
Then it seems that everyone thinks "the economy" is doing well when the stock market prices are going up. What is "the economy" anyway? Who decided how to define it? How do we know they were right? I equate everything to my household budget - my "economy" is doing well when I have more coming in than going out, when I have a prudent reserve and when I'm gainfully employed in some way. By that standard our "economy" has been doing lousy for a long time. Government spends tons of money it doesn't have and doesn't have a prudent reserve. Businesses routinely lie about how much money they're making so their stock will go up. No wonder things are in a mess.
I wish I had answers for this because it affects me and everyone else.
When I was in junior high or high school, I think I remember learning that investing in stocks was about owning part of companies and getting dividends from companies that were doing well. You checked into public information about companies and invested in the ones that were doing a good job and making money. I don't remember a single thing about guessing which stocks were going to go up in price and making money that way. To my surprise as an adult it seemed to me that it was just a gamble/guess, and you had to sell the stock to make money.
No one seems to actually know why stock goes up or down in price. It seems like the "sheep" all run in one direction or another because they're scared of something or because they think they're going to get rich from buying stock when the market is going up. No one actually seems to notice that prices go up and then they go down. It's a crisis and everyone gets very upset when prices start going down - like it's never happened before.
Lots of people have lots of opinions about how it works, but I always want to know what their track record is - are they making lots of money from good guesses? That never seems to be shared as part of their opinion. Scary.
Then it seems that everyone thinks "the economy" is doing well when the stock market prices are going up. What is "the economy" anyway? Who decided how to define it? How do we know they were right? I equate everything to my household budget - my "economy" is doing well when I have more coming in than going out, when I have a prudent reserve and when I'm gainfully employed in some way. By that standard our "economy" has been doing lousy for a long time. Government spends tons of money it doesn't have and doesn't have a prudent reserve. Businesses routinely lie about how much money they're making so their stock will go up. No wonder things are in a mess.
I wish I had answers for this because it affects me and everyone else.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Oh Barak!
I'm feeling sad. Barak has let Hillary and Bill drag him into a nasty round of accusations. I was surprised that he let it happen. Didn't he know that was how it was going to go? I figured he had a plan as to how to handle it when they twisted his words and put him down. But maybe he's not as smart as I thought.
I'm not sure how he should handle it, but striking back means he's sunk to their level. (Someone asked me once - "Do you know how to get even with a son-of-a-bitch?" Answer: "Sink to their level") In other words, you have not handled it well. Maybe a simple, "that's not true" would work combined with a "truth squad" that provided a more thorough explanation in another venue, and then a return to the issues at hand.
I still credit Barak with the wonderful goal of rising above the infighting and separatist politics that have disgusted me for years and eaten away at my hope for enlightened leadership. But I'm sorely disappointed that the Clinton's dragged him into the mud so easily. I'm truly bummed.
I'm not sure how he should handle it, but striking back means he's sunk to their level. (Someone asked me once - "Do you know how to get even with a son-of-a-bitch?" Answer: "Sink to their level") In other words, you have not handled it well. Maybe a simple, "that's not true" would work combined with a "truth squad" that provided a more thorough explanation in another venue, and then a return to the issues at hand.
I still credit Barak with the wonderful goal of rising above the infighting and separatist politics that have disgusted me for years and eaten away at my hope for enlightened leadership. But I'm sorely disappointed that the Clinton's dragged him into the mud so easily. I'm truly bummed.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Realistic Optimism
I just saw a very "dark" movie which portrayed some of the very worst in human beings and in our world right now. I heard from someone else that it was depressing. I wasn't depressed and I wondered about it. I thought the movie was a work of art as it showed the underside of life. Maybe something is wrong with me that I don't get depressed when I am confronted with evidence of the terrible things in the world. I don't really know if something is wrong with me. I don't think so.
I have worked hard in my recovery to accept myself and the world around me as I am and as the world is and still remain optimistic. It wasn't that difficult once I accepted that I didn't have the power to change myself or anything in the world without the help of a higher power. To the extent that I don't face myself as I am and the world as it is, I am truly powerless. I won't even have sense enough to ask for help from my higher power.
My life has had quite a lot of difficulties that sometimes shock other people. That fact may have a bearing on why I'm not shocked by the tragedies in the world. I'm not living in a fantasy land where nothing bad happens if you behave yourself; and so those tragedies happening to other people - well, they probably did something to cause them to happen and since I'm behaving myself, I don't need to be concerned about what's happening to other people. No, I know that much tragedy is simply random or has multiple causes.
My task as a human is to learn to live in the real world and contribute to the greater good as I'm able. The trick is to stay optimistic while facing the truth. I can only do that because I believe in a force for good in the universe that I can align myself with.
"Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built." As Bill Sees It
I have worked hard in my recovery to accept myself and the world around me as I am and as the world is and still remain optimistic. It wasn't that difficult once I accepted that I didn't have the power to change myself or anything in the world without the help of a higher power. To the extent that I don't face myself as I am and the world as it is, I am truly powerless. I won't even have sense enough to ask for help from my higher power.
My life has had quite a lot of difficulties that sometimes shock other people. That fact may have a bearing on why I'm not shocked by the tragedies in the world. I'm not living in a fantasy land where nothing bad happens if you behave yourself; and so those tragedies happening to other people - well, they probably did something to cause them to happen and since I'm behaving myself, I don't need to be concerned about what's happening to other people. No, I know that much tragedy is simply random or has multiple causes.
My task as a human is to learn to live in the real world and contribute to the greater good as I'm able. The trick is to stay optimistic while facing the truth. I can only do that because I believe in a force for good in the universe that I can align myself with.
"Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built." As Bill Sees It
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Journeys
"Try to see in all things some fulfillment of the Divine Intent." Twenty -Four Hours a Day
I'm really on two trips at the same time: learning to live without Ron and physically recovering from the wreck. It's a struggle because I can't actually focus on one at a time because they're happening simultaneously and I have little control over either trip. I'm grateful for the structure my recovery program gives me - I believe there's a gift from the force for good in the universe in both trips.
Right now I'm more and more thankful for Ron's and my relationship. The first ten years of our marriage he was the one with the stability and could give me the support I needed to re-do my life, make amends to my children with disabilities, and get comfortable with myself. Most of the time during those years I felt unconditionally loved. Amazing healing took place at a time when I was most hard on myself and feeling the most worthless.
I know I'm not supposed to take my self worth from what someone else feels about me. But too bad. I did. It worked. I wish I had been as good at giving him unconditional love when he needed it. I still have the feeling that wherever he is, he still loves me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that a person I loved and respected convinced me that I was a wonderful, beautiful, capable child of God.
The most recent trip to the orthopedic surgeon revealed very little from the xrays. He was happy that I had done well with walking with only one crutch. He said since there didn't appear to be any movement of the rod, pins, and wires that are holding my femur together, he was going to guess that the femur was healing. So, my instructions are to switch to the cane, and when I'm strong and doing well with that, stop using any assistance with locomotion, walk independently and hope my leg will hold me up.
My friend, Peggy, who comes with me to most of my doctor appointments, was elated. I was cautiously optimistic. I just wish there was a way to know what is truly going on with that bone, but there isn't, short of opening up my leg. So, I just have to move forward and see what happens. My wheelchair is folded up behind the kitchen table. It's close by - not in the garage. But my butt hasn't been anywhere near it for a over a month.
At this point I finally have the energy to work on getting some routines in my life that will support what I really want to do. Now that my every waking moment isn't taken up with trying to function while being exhausted, in physical and emotional pain and overwhelmed with doctor appointments; I'm thinking about having an organized home, good nutrition, time to write, time to build my new business, and time to grow spiritually. My goal is to finish setting up these routines and learning them as well as cleaning up some of the most messy parts of the house by the end of the month. Let's see - I have about 10 days. I've been at it for a couple of days now and gone to bed totally worn out but feeling good. So, maybe I will make it by the end of the month.
I'm really on two trips at the same time: learning to live without Ron and physically recovering from the wreck. It's a struggle because I can't actually focus on one at a time because they're happening simultaneously and I have little control over either trip. I'm grateful for the structure my recovery program gives me - I believe there's a gift from the force for good in the universe in both trips.
Right now I'm more and more thankful for Ron's and my relationship. The first ten years of our marriage he was the one with the stability and could give me the support I needed to re-do my life, make amends to my children with disabilities, and get comfortable with myself. Most of the time during those years I felt unconditionally loved. Amazing healing took place at a time when I was most hard on myself and feeling the most worthless.
I know I'm not supposed to take my self worth from what someone else feels about me. But too bad. I did. It worked. I wish I had been as good at giving him unconditional love when he needed it. I still have the feeling that wherever he is, he still loves me unconditionally. It was the first time in my life that a person I loved and respected convinced me that I was a wonderful, beautiful, capable child of God.
The most recent trip to the orthopedic surgeon revealed very little from the xrays. He was happy that I had done well with walking with only one crutch. He said since there didn't appear to be any movement of the rod, pins, and wires that are holding my femur together, he was going to guess that the femur was healing. So, my instructions are to switch to the cane, and when I'm strong and doing well with that, stop using any assistance with locomotion, walk independently and hope my leg will hold me up.
My friend, Peggy, who comes with me to most of my doctor appointments, was elated. I was cautiously optimistic. I just wish there was a way to know what is truly going on with that bone, but there isn't, short of opening up my leg. So, I just have to move forward and see what happens. My wheelchair is folded up behind the kitchen table. It's close by - not in the garage. But my butt hasn't been anywhere near it for a over a month.
At this point I finally have the energy to work on getting some routines in my life that will support what I really want to do. Now that my every waking moment isn't taken up with trying to function while being exhausted, in physical and emotional pain and overwhelmed with doctor appointments; I'm thinking about having an organized home, good nutrition, time to write, time to build my new business, and time to grow spiritually. My goal is to finish setting up these routines and learning them as well as cleaning up some of the most messy parts of the house by the end of the month. Let's see - I have about 10 days. I've been at it for a couple of days now and gone to bed totally worn out but feeling good. So, maybe I will make it by the end of the month.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I have a dream day
I was awake and in the world during the time Martin Luther King was doing his work. I had never heard of non-violence as a way of changing the world and was fascinated. I remember watching the marches with the police violence and waking up to the state of human nature. My heart felt broken for the injustice and cruelty. As time has passed, I've rejoiced at the changes I've seen AND I know there's still a long way to go. Another one of my "soap box" speeches is on why we don't expend tons of research dollars on finding out what motivates humans to be violent and cruel and whether we can change. I have a dream that we'll all wake up and put our resources in the really important things.
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