Tomorrow

It's surgery day tomorrow at 1:15. So I'm going to eat dinner very late since I won't be able to eat tomorrow. Other preparations have included a haircut, pedicure, physical therapy, chiropractic, prayer, affirmations. I'm all set. Also, the house is clean, laundry done, bills paid. It feels good to be prepared. Most of all I'm blessed with the love of family, friends, and cat, Cisco. He can tell something is going on so he's extra affectionate.

Computers

I don't understand why my home computer is dysfunctional more than functional. There's probably a book somewhere called, "Computers for Dummies" that I need to read. I'm dependant on other people to fix it every time it stops working which means long delays. It's actually been out of service more than it has been working during the past year. I miss my husband. He took care of all that. I miss him for big reasons and small. The computer is a small reason. But now I need to grow up and learn how to take care of it myself.

Language

I've been observing trends in language/slang for most of my life probably because my mother was an English teacher and she frequently commented on observations she made about how people talk. Several years ago I started saying "cool" about anything I thought was really wonderful. I picked it up from a woman I worked with who was very charismatic. It's a wonder I didn't pick up more from her! But now I'm really sick of saying "cool" about everything and I can't seem to stop. It's very annoying.

Another word that began to be commonly used a few years ago is, "absolutely." People seem to use it constantly as a synonym for "yes" when they want to put a lot of emphasis on the "yes." I hear it on television, at work, with friends.... I'm very tired of it too. I'm trying to think of a better synonym but so far no luck.

A new one I've just noticed is "at the end of the day" which seems to have replaced the phrase "when all is said and done." I just noticed it a few weeks ago and I'm already tired of it.

Surgery

Today I went to the hospital for my pre-op visit. All was well. I passed blood tests, EKGs, etc. I am ready to go except for the errands, laundry, and everything else I need to do so that I don't leave it for someone else.

Heart to Heart

I just returned from that annual retreat for women in recovery, and as usual, I feel as if I have a direction to guide me. It was somewhat of a challenge in an outdoor environment that wasn't designed to be wheelchair friendly. But thanks to friends and new acquaintances, all went well. As usual too, I slept quietly through the night without waking which is definitely not the way it goes at home. In a nutshell, I felt I received a kind of direction from both from my husband - wherever he is now - and from a higher power that it was time for me to take an in-depth look at how I am in relationships as well as what I should do next with my skills. Maybe I need to go to graduate school - seems a little silly at age 65, but not impossible. I'm certain I will become aware of more direction as time goes on. In the meantime, my mind is a little quieter.

Surgery is coming

It's been a year since the accident. All the healing that's going to take place has already taken place. So, in a couple of weeks, my surgeon will remove the dead bone and replace it with metal, plastic and wire. When he's finished, he tells me, I will be able to start learning to walk again. It won't happen right away since many of the muscles in my leg haven't had much exercise. It's going to take awhile to build them up so that I can walk.

A year ago I woke up in a different world - without my husband and without the ability to walk. I'm eager to have this surgery but I know I'm going to be waking up in a different world again. It's strange to have this somewhat conflicted feeling of eagerness and yet fear of the unknown. I'm so lucky to have friends and family to support me, which keeps fear to a very mild level.

what does this mean?

As a person in a wheelchair I have lots of opportunities to notice how people react. Men run to help me load or unload my wheelchair in the car, but they're lousy at getting out of the way. In elevators I have to point out that if they don't move, I might run over their toes, whereas women cut me a wide berth. Women hold doors and try to help me up ramps. The interesting thing is that frequently they are women with canes, and I fear for their safety. I'm not sure whether these observations mean something about the difference between men and women as groups or not. Certainly a year of observations probably doesn't give me a real statistical sample but it might be close. I plan to keep on watching. I am sure that on the whole people are very helpful AND I think men just defend their space more than women do.