More about Loss

If you haven't already, you will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and you never completely get over the loss of a deeply beloved person. But this is also good news. The person lives forever, in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through, and you learn to dance with the banged-up heart. You dance to the absurdities of life; you dance to the minuet of old friendships." Anne Lamott. PLAN B: Further Thoughts on Faith.

Folks, this quote tells the exact and total truth of my experience. I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my first child. I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my third child. And I am a completely different person than I was before the death of my soul mate. And there's good and bad news in the changes.

The bad news: I probably will never be as completely happy as I was capable of before the first big loss. Knowledge of the pain of loss makes the whole world look different. It is no longer possible to believe that everything will eventually be wonderful and stay that way forever. I knew that everything is completely and arbitrarily temporary. After the death of my first child, I believed that at least nothing that awful would happen to me again. It just didn't seem possible. Guess what! There are no such guarantees. For a long time I reacted to that truth by standing back from life as much as I could. That is bad news.

The good news: It is possible to accept the certainty that loss is a consistent part of life and use that truth to sharpen one's connection to life and love. Dancing with a banged up heart is a lot more interesting when you're sure you must seize the moment.

Reunion

Here we are - reunited after 30 years... My first husband's brother, Sam, who is a great guy and was a great kid, plus my daughter, Liz, and her daughter, Rebecca. I am never endingly amazed at how good feelings for someone can last over so much time without any contact. As soon as I saw Sam I felt just as I felt 30 years ago - how much I liked him and had fun with him when we were kids. I think it must be a gift we're given to hold on to good feelings and forget bad ones.

Fun

When I take time to play, to laugh, and to enjoy. I am taking care of myself and giving My Higher Power some room to take care of the rest. Courage to Change

It's Spring Break and for several years now I've spent time with grandchildren in one way or another. For a long time it was my middle child grandson who spent his spring break with me to experience being an only child for a few days. This year my daughter and her 14 year old daughter are here. Of course it's always wonderful to have visitor grandchildren and my daughter. But the side benefit is that I take several days off and just have fun. It's a requirement! This year we're visiting relatives in Springfield and will be visiting Fantastic Caverns. I don't know what it is about caves, but I just love thm. One time I was mad at Ron - don't remember why. He took me to Fantastic Caverns and I got over it!

Tears

There is nothing unenlightened about crying over the tragedy of human suffering; perhaps what is neurotic is how infrequently we do. Marianne Williamson. Everyday Grace.

I have had a week with a lot of challenges. One of the volunteers that worked with us on our big event that was so successful took a lot of liberties and caused a lot of problems that we have spent days trying to straighten out. Once again a dear friend came to my aid and has helped a lot but there still a long way to go. Expending energy on solving problems isn't something that bothers me. On the other hand I have so little energy that the effort costs me days to recover or evenings when I go to bed at 6:00 p.m. and wake up at 8:30 a.m. I'm not used to having so little physical strength. These problems aren't tragedies but I suspect that the volunteer was suffering and probably has been her whole life. It's sad to watch people hurt themselves by their own bad behavior when what they are trying to do is make their lives better. I've been there. I know how bad it hurts. I'm grateful not to be living like that anymore.

Journey Update

Every time I start to do an update on my journey, I resist. I would rather just live day to day and not take an overall look at where I am. But it seems to be very useful to check myself out to see how I'm doing.

When I went to the doctor in January we still couldn't see from the xray whether my femur was healing or not. There's no way to be sure other than opening my leg up and looking - which isn't an option. So, he said to start using the cane and then walk without it and see how that went. So, here I am two plus months later. I walk a little without the cane at home, but my leg does hurt if I do much of that. That tells me the bone is not solid and that the rod that holds my leg together is probably moving. But I can get around with the cane like a house afire. I'm able to walk a lot and pretty fast. It feels so good to be able to go up and down stairs and go wherever I want - yay!

I wonder when, if ever, I will quit thinking about Ron. Maybe I will have to be without him for as long as we were together before he is not such a big part of my life and thoughts still. Of course, enough time has passed now that thinking about him doesn't cause me great pain. He's just there. I'm finishing up a fourth step and our relationship is a big part of what I'm inventorying. But I probably won't know what it all means until the 5th step or maybe even through 9.

I'm going through a tremendous amount of change right now. All good things but very challenging. I'm doing the first in a series of classes for recovering people that Ron and I talked about doing but never did due to his health problems. We'll see how that goes. I think it is time for me to look for other ways to earn a living other than working for the Alzheimer's Association. I need a less stressful kind of work so that my body can heal without having to deal with stress. I'm also committed to working toward being a published writer. I haven't made much progress there because I'm still trying to finish all the odds and ends that are left from the wreck. I still need to clean out some of Ron's stuff - especially in the garage. I'm making my will and doing all my "end of life" stuff that needs to be changed. I'm almost there but not quite. When I get that stuff done, I will have serious time to write.

All in all, I'm satisfied with where I am. I wish I were farther along but considering the barriers I have, I think I've done pretty well. I have more energy now than I did and my sleep patterns are not as screwy. My eating is healthier and I've lost a tiny amount of weight. The foundation for everything is my physical well being and I've made more progress there than anywhere else. Thank you, God, family and friends for all you give me. Nothing would be working without that support.

Cold

It has been really cold the past few days and I feel it more now with all this metal in my leg. It's harder to warm up again once I get chilled. I realized that I was hibernating inside to avoid getting cold. Not good. So I now have some pink silk long underwear. It's working. While I was at it I bought a silk quilt too. Now I'm warm all night too. Amazing and odd the things I'm grateful for these days.

Rebecca and the Snow in Texas

It finally snowed in Texas. Rebecca did the snow dance last night and it worked. She's letting snow flakes melt on her tongue. Yay for snow in Texas.

Meditating with the Devil

The topic at the meeting I went to on Saturday was "worry." I heard a lot about faith being the answer, staying in the now, etc. But then I heard that worry was "meditating with the devil." Wow - that has got to be true. When I'm worrying I'm making myself miserable and probably making everybody around me miserable. What a great way for evil to get a foothold in my life!

Love

"We need not wait for someone else's expression of love before giving it. When we love, it will be returned tenfold. Love attracts itself, and it will heal us, soften the hard edges of our lives." Each Day a New Beginning

There have been some times when I really lived by this and was amazed at the results. Then I got hooked on the love I got from one person. When the supply was interrupted I got crazy like addicts do. Then it was REALLY hard to give love. Besides that, I finally realized that this is not a promise that I will be loved by the person I want to love me. While I'm longing for that love, I'll miss the rest of the love that's coming my way. And lots of it is, and I am so grateful.

I Gave Them a Piece of My Mind

I wish I had that
piece of my mind
back now.
They didn't want it
any way.
I miss it
because I felt really smart
for a minute but then
I got to feeling stupid
and no wonder
with such a big
piece of my mind missing.

1988

As I begin to write seriously, I looked back at some of the things I wrote in the past. Here's one of my favorite poems I wrote 20 years ago.

How to Rescue other People

"... you can never really live anyone else's life, not even your own child's. The influence you exert is through your own life and what you become yourself." - Eleanor Roosevelt

When I was about six months into recovery, I desperately wanted to save all the people I loved. I knew I had finally found the answers I had been searching for my whole life, and at last had found relief from fear, crisis, and disaster. I knew they needed what I had found. I knew they must want to be relieved of their own misery. Well, guess what? They didn't. They looked at me like I had two heads and had gone completely crazy and was in the grip of a cult. One of them said I had been "brainwashed." I remember thinking that I probably had been brainwashed - my brain needed it!

So, in my despair at not being able to save my dear ones, I called my sponsor who said that this was how recovery worked. Of course, you want to pass on the wonderful gift you've received to the ones you love. The thing is, they won't accept it from this person they've known for years as a screw up and a general crack pot. The only way to help them is to get well and happy yourself over a period of time, and then they might want what you have. Of course, they will not ask you for help. They'll ask someone else. Most of the people you can directly help will be people you don't have a relationship with.

Hmmm. I could see the logic in that. So, I quit trying to save them and worked on myself. As far as I know, none of the people I was desperately trying to save have ever availed themselves of recovery. The reason I don't know for sure is that they got bored with me and left my life! But I've gotten quite well and happy.

Now my problem is that the people around me think that I'm some kind of paragon since I seem to be able to handle a lot of crap in my life without crashing and burning. That's because they didn't know me before, of course. When they tell me how wonderful I am, I respond by explaining that it's not me, it's my recovery program. Then they think I'm being excessively modest. But no, they are missing the point! The same power to handle life is available to them too. Phooey. I still haven't been able to figure out how to handle this. Maybe it's the same thing as before: Let them think what they want and go on working on me.

Teen Aged Pregnancy

Awhile ago I saw "Juno" which being a movie about a teen ager who got pregnant and seemed to be a kind of comedy, interested me. I had a friend who worked at a school program for pregnant teen age girls. We were both puzzled as to why this happened with birth control finally easily available. Well, apparently, like in the movie, sex isn't planned and so the couple isn't prepared.

In the old days, birth control was just not doing it. But at sleep overs the girls whispered in corners about how impossible it seemed to not do it. I would guess that about half or more of the steady couples were doing it. And there were a lot of pregnancies. So sad because lives were just derailed by the disgrace, shame, secrecy and responsibility of a child. Now, of course, there's not so much shame and disgrace but there's still the responsibility which teenagers are just not ready for. Lives are still derailed. I wish I knew what the answer was because all of us lose when teenagers have to grow up before they're ready and lose their dreams of the future.

Solving Problems

"It appears to me that most of the wrenching turmoil in people’s lives—whether or not they are alcoholic—derives from too stubborn persistence in trying to resolve insoluble problems. That is why the philosophy contained in the Serenity Prayer is one of the most important guidelines I’ve found in A.A." © 1973 AAWS, Inc.; Came to Believe, 30th printing 2004, pg. 111

I love that phrase: "wrenching turmoil." That should be my middle name. Learning to live with unsolvable problems has been one of the greatest challenges I've ever had on my journey. Ron's health and money problems almost tore me to shreds. I loved him absolutely and knew he was a thoroughly good person through and through. But he had a terrible flat spot in his brain where money and health were concerned, and both of those problems of his had a tortuous effect on me. He was sick a lot in the last 10 years of our marriage which disrupted his showing his love and caring for me. A huge loss for a love junkie like myself. And money - oh my God. I couldn't believe the craziest things he said. He never did believe he was an over spender even though his outgo exceeded his income consistently.

Somehow, with the help of advisors, I managed to live with these unsolvable problems - after, of course, trying absolutely everything I could think of to get him to solve them many, many times! What I got from that experience was a clear sense of how "wrenching turmoil" feels. If I get that feeling, I know I've come in contact with an unsolvable problem. The only thing to do is pry my fingers off the problem, pray for acceptance, go to a whole lot of meetings, check with other people to make sure I'm not missing something and giving up too soon, and then buckle down and learn to live with the problem. That knowledge has come in very handy in learning to live with my current disability. I've heard over and over in recovery that acceptance is the key to everything, and that how I respond in impossible situations is what will give me peace of mind - NOT changes in my circumstances. Hard to do but worth it.

Progress, not Perfection

Well, I'm still working on that todo list but I'm finally seeing the end of it. And I'm not adding more things to it. Of course, the goal was to finish by the end of January and start the new year off with stuff done... Nevertheless, I feel pretty good about how much I have accomplished considering how little energy I have on some days.

I had my sleep study and now have a CPAP which still isn't being used since I can't figure out how to get the distilled water in there - but I'm close! I have been to physical therapy several times and can easily do all the balance and strength exercises Kathy gives me. In fact, I've resumed doing a little yoga. I can do down dog, warrior and triangle - not perfectly but well enough to really help my back. The yoga was something I added to the physical therapy exercises that I do almost every day now. I've resumed my meditation practice and have been able to be fairly consistent (5 days out of 7 most weeks). I've started eating my own cooking most of the time instead of take out. And since I'm getting enough sleep and better nutrition, I'm not hungry all the time like I have been for so long. I've even been able to feed some of my friends here and there. My will is almost finished. I still have to talk to some members of the family about it before it's finalized, but it's very close. I've gone through stacks of papers and thrown a lot of unnecessary stuff away. Extra blankets and sheets are now stored in those packages where you vacuum out the air - the thing is, the seal on the packages isn't great so... But they're stored anyway. My closets are now cleaned out and everything is where I want it so I can hang up my clothes after washing them! The black history event the Alzheimer's Association puts on each year as outreach to the African American community was a huge success. I didn't do much except help with some details and cheer Beverly on, but I did feel part of the success since I insist that we do it. There's more but I'm getting bored with this. So finally and best of all, I've arranged to do the first in a series of classes for recovering people that I know is needed but I'm not sure is wanted. The only way to find out is to offer them and see what happens.

The ability to do all of this is purely a gift. I just had a small disagreement with someone yesterday who insisted I was unique and wonderful because I have accomplished so much in the face of adversity. I insisted I was not unique and that everything I do and who I am is a gift. I'm totally not who I used to be. I enjoy the compliments but I know for a fact that I have not changed from my own resources. The love and support from friends, the love and strength given to me my higher power - all are the reasons I can do anything.

Thank you.

My Valentines Day Present

This is my beautiful granddaughter, Rebecca, who was born on Valentines Day and is therefore my Valentines Day present every year. My oldest two grandson's were born on my birthday and the day after my birthday respectively and are, therefore, my birthday presents every year. So thoughtful of their mother to have these babies just to please me. And I am very pleased!

Happiness

"One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness - simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self-denial to a point, love of work, and above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain" - George Sand

I've noticed that when happiness is discussed like in the quote above, there is no mention of Prince Charming or large sums of money. I was raised on fairy tales where people suddenly became rich and were swept away by love. Of course, I am a child of the 40s and 50s, so everyone was taught this stuff. They didn't mention work, self-denial and clear consciences. If they had I wouldn't have believed them. I've been in love and I've had the experience of having enough money. Both are delightful. But I've also had the experience of not being in love and not having enough money and still being pretty happy. It's a relief to know that I have some ability to be happy no matter what. Right now I'm pretty happy. No prince charming and not very much money. I'm still pretty happy!

Decisions

"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." Ancient Chinese proverb

Another great way to say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I used to think I was just a leaf in the wind - at the mercy of the people, circumstances and events in my life. Then I had an awakening due to my recovery program. It turns out that I'm responsible for my life through the decisions and choices I make. Not that I have control over others, the weather, world events, etc. but I am in charge of my responses. What a freedom! My life changed enormously.

Perfect Rose

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

-Dorothy Parker

This is really pretty funny. But I'd be very happy with one perfect rose. I've got some terrific Valentine's Day cards around here. Ron and I had a mushy card contest going - not just valentines. Which ever one of us cried, the other one won. Before Ron - I don't actually remember getting valentines - except, of course, in school when every one got one.

Almost everyone I've ever talked to hates Valentines Day. Men tell me they don't know what to get so they just ignore it. They're afraid their sweetheart will hate what they get. So, of course, women hate it because - well, that's obvious. Someone - maybe me - should set up a 900 number to give ideas to men for what to get for their sweethearts. For example, jewelry is always good. But lots of women might just be thrilled if he picked his dirty underwear up for the rest of the year.

Fear

"If your children were afflicted by fearful images, you would take them in your arms and rock them with a lullaby. And so we must begin to treat ourselves like our only child...We intensify fear by trying to force it away...the first step in healing fear is accepting it. " Unattended Sorrow. Stephen Levine

I lived my life in terror; driven to action by it; desperately trying to escape. I remember being afraid when my children were afraid because I didn't know how to comfort them - because I didn't know how to deal with my own fear. It was torture; only relieved by ingesting chemicals or being absorbed in reading something.

In recovery I was taught to examine my fear, talk to someone about it, and then get out of myself by helping someone else - although some of my suggestion-givers suggested I make my bed and go to the grocery store. They also suggested that I turn my life and will over to the care of God and be willing to accept whatever happened after that. I still had/have fear from time to time. I was so attached to Ron that his health problems caused me extreme fear, but I eventually began to have relief from that.

Right now I'm grateful because I really don't have fear - a little mild anxiety about money and health but even so the anxiety is really mild. At my age both those things are realistic to have some anxiety about, but the anxiety is mostly about not being able to handle whatever happens or just anxiety about being uncomfortable. It's really not enough to even cause much of a ripple on the surface of my mind.

Economics

It really worries me that we're being told that spending money is what will help the current problems with the economy. I don't get it. It works the other way around in my household budget. When there's trouble, the answer is usually to spend less. As I've said before, I possibly should try to learn something about economics instead of just having opinions but I'm almost afraid if I learn something it might mess up my simplistic ideas. That might be a bad thing.

Businesses would still make money if people quit spending money on stuff they can't afford and don't need. The business that would make money would be the ones selling food and other necessities. That might not be a bad way to live for awhile. For every dollar I earn and then spend on something I don't need, is a certain amount of my life/time that I've wasted, because to earn the dollar I spent time and energy doing something.

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."- Henry David Thoreau