My oldest grandson tells me the above words are frequently misused. So in honor of 2008, one of my first contributions to the greater good will be the simple definitions provided by my grandson:
Geek - a person who is intensely interested in one thing, ie computer geek, music geek, etc.
Dork - an extremely clueless person.
Nerd - a very smart person
So Bill Gates is a geek and a nerd but not a dork.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Journey
Here it is, the last day of 2007 and I feel obligated to take an overall look at the year. I don't really like to do it - I prefer living one day at a time. But in some ways I'm just escaping looking at my situation in it's entirety. So....
Last year at this time I was still in the exhausted fog from the extensive surgery I had in September 2006. It was a long and difficult surgery with a long recovery time to even learn how to take care of myself again. Although I got a new hip, it turned out that my femur was very much not healed and there was nothing they could do for my knee. I was very upset and decided to plan on having my leg amputated and getting an artificial one to speed up the process of being able to function. (I changed my mind about that eventually.)
As it turned out I stayed in that fog for the whole year. I felt worse than I felt after the wreck in some ways. Often I just could not get up in the morning. Sometimes I slept as much as 18 hours a day. Obviously, work wasn't going that well since I was barely able to work. I mostly tried to eat, sleep, work as much as my condition would allow and go to as many meetings as I was able. Grief at losing Ron receded into the background somewhat - partly due to time passing, partly due to the grief work I was doing, partly to the amount of effort it took to get through a day, and partly due to Cymbalta (the anti-depressant I was on).
I began going to counseling again in January of last year. In the beginning, counseling consisted of trying to find ways to write (which is what I want to do). Pretty soon we gave up working on that since I was clearly not able to to add anything to my life in the condition I was in. We just talked about how to handle the exhaustion, etc.
Sometime in the summer I was able to go back to getting some body work that has helped with my PTSD in the past and was immediately a lot better. We thought (the doctor and I) that my leg was healing so I went from the walker to a cane and then to walking on my own. Almost immediately I had severe pain in my leg and a ct scan showed that the bone was not actually healed. Sooo - back to the hospital for another bone graft surgery in September.
In June my boss told me they were putting me on part time and changing my title from Vice President to Director - and, of course, changing my salary accordingly. I lost my private office too. I was actually fine with it since I had been thinking that I should probably request the same change. I felt stressed every day because of my inability to function. Unfortunately, I still felt stressed because I still wasn't able to handle even the part time schedule. In August the Association's national office decided to have an event in Oklahoma and I was not sure I could handle that and neither were they. While I was worrying about that, I found out that I was going to have to have yet another surgery. After talking to a couple of people in the program, I decided to tell my boss that I thought they should hire someone to do my job and just contract with me for some of the loose ends I needed to take care of. As soon as I made that decision, I felt a whole lot better. We agreed to work out a contract which I'm now working under. It doesn't require much of me and doesn't pay much either but I feel sooo much less stress.
One of my friends asked me if I was going to be able to make it on what I have coming in which includes Social Security. My answer was that I have no idea. What I hope is that as I feel better I may be able to work more doing something else. Right now shelving books in the library sounds lovely, peaceful and calm.
When I thought my leg was healing, and that I was going to be walking within the year, my oldest daughter, Liz, and I booked a cruise to celebrate. Of course, it turned out I had surgery instead of walking, but we went on the cruise anyway - six weeks from the surgery. It was a lovely week. There's really nothing to do on a cruise except eat, rest and have fun. We did all that and we both felt very renewed when we came back. My theory is that everyone should take one week a month and go on a cruise. We would function ever so much better when we get back.
When I wasn't on the cruise, I was setting up my new business called, "Empowerment Services." I'm not that fond of the word "empowerment." But I couldn't find a synonym that described what I want to do. I want to help various groups of people with information and support to function better in their lives. It's all stuff I really love to do and stuff that's needed. I have learned that what's needed isn't always what's wanted so it remains to be seen whether this stuff works out.
I still have some more to do to get Empowerment Services operational. But I'm close. At my last visit to the doctor, we talked about what's next with my leg. It appears that nothing is really happening in the healing. So, I probably have another bone graft surgery in my immediate future.
Well, 2007. You haven't been that bad a year, all-in-all. I've been a lot more disabled than I had hoped but still have been able to do many things I wanted to do - the cruise being a prime example. My family, my program, my friends in recovery, and my Higher Power continue to sustain me. I am so grateful for the love of God and my friends and family. I have four marvelous grandchildren and have been able to spend more time with them this year. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special, but mine actually are incredible. Anyone would say so. So, of course, are my children or they wouldn't have their fabulous kids. I'm looking forward to 2008, having learned a lot about how to manage myself in my situation - what's important and what's not. Welcome 2008!
Last year at this time I was still in the exhausted fog from the extensive surgery I had in September 2006. It was a long and difficult surgery with a long recovery time to even learn how to take care of myself again. Although I got a new hip, it turned out that my femur was very much not healed and there was nothing they could do for my knee. I was very upset and decided to plan on having my leg amputated and getting an artificial one to speed up the process of being able to function. (I changed my mind about that eventually.)
As it turned out I stayed in that fog for the whole year. I felt worse than I felt after the wreck in some ways. Often I just could not get up in the morning. Sometimes I slept as much as 18 hours a day. Obviously, work wasn't going that well since I was barely able to work. I mostly tried to eat, sleep, work as much as my condition would allow and go to as many meetings as I was able. Grief at losing Ron receded into the background somewhat - partly due to time passing, partly due to the grief work I was doing, partly to the amount of effort it took to get through a day, and partly due to Cymbalta (the anti-depressant I was on).
I began going to counseling again in January of last year. In the beginning, counseling consisted of trying to find ways to write (which is what I want to do). Pretty soon we gave up working on that since I was clearly not able to to add anything to my life in the condition I was in. We just talked about how to handle the exhaustion, etc.
Sometime in the summer I was able to go back to getting some body work that has helped with my PTSD in the past and was immediately a lot better. We thought (the doctor and I) that my leg was healing so I went from the walker to a cane and then to walking on my own. Almost immediately I had severe pain in my leg and a ct scan showed that the bone was not actually healed. Sooo - back to the hospital for another bone graft surgery in September.
In June my boss told me they were putting me on part time and changing my title from Vice President to Director - and, of course, changing my salary accordingly. I lost my private office too. I was actually fine with it since I had been thinking that I should probably request the same change. I felt stressed every day because of my inability to function. Unfortunately, I still felt stressed because I still wasn't able to handle even the part time schedule. In August the Association's national office decided to have an event in Oklahoma and I was not sure I could handle that and neither were they. While I was worrying about that, I found out that I was going to have to have yet another surgery. After talking to a couple of people in the program, I decided to tell my boss that I thought they should hire someone to do my job and just contract with me for some of the loose ends I needed to take care of. As soon as I made that decision, I felt a whole lot better. We agreed to work out a contract which I'm now working under. It doesn't require much of me and doesn't pay much either but I feel sooo much less stress.
One of my friends asked me if I was going to be able to make it on what I have coming in which includes Social Security. My answer was that I have no idea. What I hope is that as I feel better I may be able to work more doing something else. Right now shelving books in the library sounds lovely, peaceful and calm.
When I thought my leg was healing, and that I was going to be walking within the year, my oldest daughter, Liz, and I booked a cruise to celebrate. Of course, it turned out I had surgery instead of walking, but we went on the cruise anyway - six weeks from the surgery. It was a lovely week. There's really nothing to do on a cruise except eat, rest and have fun. We did all that and we both felt very renewed when we came back. My theory is that everyone should take one week a month and go on a cruise. We would function ever so much better when we get back.
When I wasn't on the cruise, I was setting up my new business called, "Empowerment Services." I'm not that fond of the word "empowerment." But I couldn't find a synonym that described what I want to do. I want to help various groups of people with information and support to function better in their lives. It's all stuff I really love to do and stuff that's needed. I have learned that what's needed isn't always what's wanted so it remains to be seen whether this stuff works out.
I still have some more to do to get Empowerment Services operational. But I'm close. At my last visit to the doctor, we talked about what's next with my leg. It appears that nothing is really happening in the healing. So, I probably have another bone graft surgery in my immediate future.
Well, 2007. You haven't been that bad a year, all-in-all. I've been a lot more disabled than I had hoped but still have been able to do many things I wanted to do - the cruise being a prime example. My family, my program, my friends in recovery, and my Higher Power continue to sustain me. I am so grateful for the love of God and my friends and family. I have four marvelous grandchildren and have been able to spend more time with them this year. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special, but mine actually are incredible. Anyone would say so. So, of course, are my children or they wouldn't have their fabulous kids. I'm looking forward to 2008, having learned a lot about how to manage myself in my situation - what's important and what's not. Welcome 2008!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Dream
This is a dream from a few days ago. I intended to document it but forgot. I guess it didn't make that much of an impression on me, but when I shared it at breakfast it got some weird looks and a few laughs - making it worth recording.
I dreamed I was at a campaign event of some kind for Hillary Clinton. Bill was there, and he made a pass at me. In the dream I thought, "Boy, is he ever clumsy at this. Those gals that fell for him must have had a huge talent for self-delusion." I wasn't even tempted. However, in the dream, he and Hillary had another child - a son about 8 years old who was a talented artist. I spent a lot of time with him and he drew wonderful, soaring pictures in my journal. I had a lot of fun with him. He was a wonderful kid.
I dreamed I was at a campaign event of some kind for Hillary Clinton. Bill was there, and he made a pass at me. In the dream I thought, "Boy, is he ever clumsy at this. Those gals that fell for him must have had a huge talent for self-delusion." I wasn't even tempted. However, in the dream, he and Hillary had another child - a son about 8 years old who was a talented artist. I spent a lot of time with him and he drew wonderful, soaring pictures in my journal. I had a lot of fun with him. He was a wonderful kid.
"I will link my life with the Divine Force for Good in the world." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day
In my meditation book this morning I found the phrase above. I've been reading this book for over 24 years and this is the first time I remember seeing this. What's amazing is that I have been calling my Higher Power "the force for good in the world" for years and years. I thought I thought it up by myself. But it looks like I got it from the Twenty-Four Hour book. Which is fine. Somewhere I read that all genius is undetected plagarism.
This name for my HP helps me not be concerned about whether God is this or that or the other thing. That's a big help since I always want to know everything possible before I even begin to accept anything. I think I love my scepticism. I don't know if it's a character defect or not; sometimes it helps me, sometimes not. What is absolutely clear to me that there is a force for good in the world (in the universe, really); just as clear as the fact that there's a force for evil. Linking my own life with a force for good gives me direction, joy, peace, love and fun. Why would I not want to link up? I don't know, but sometimes I forget. Well, okay, a lot of times. At least for today, I'm remembering...
This name for my HP helps me not be concerned about whether God is this or that or the other thing. That's a big help since I always want to know everything possible before I even begin to accept anything. I think I love my scepticism. I don't know if it's a character defect or not; sometimes it helps me, sometimes not. What is absolutely clear to me that there is a force for good in the world (in the universe, really); just as clear as the fact that there's a force for evil. Linking my own life with a force for good gives me direction, joy, peace, love and fun. Why would I not want to link up? I don't know, but sometimes I forget. Well, okay, a lot of times. At least for today, I'm remembering...
Monday, December 24, 2007
Learning How to Love
It's the Christmas season with all the urgent activity that goes with it. I've been organizing my "to-do" list with the hope that I will be able to get everything in before my energy runs out. Then I read my morning meditation and realized I'd fallen back into the old habit of making a list based on what my ego tells me I really must do. But according to my meditation book, the object of each day is to learn how to love, and since I have come to believe that learning how to love is what we're all here for, a different kind of to do list is in order. I wish I had some kind of wonderful, lofty thing to say about a different kind of to do list, but I don't. With the shift comes a different feeling in my heart even though the list looks pretty much the same. The only thing added was phone calls to people I wanted to tell that I loved them - and my own heart was lifted.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Raising Children
Right at the top of my Christmas list is the wish that there was some consensus on how to raise healthy children. It seems to me that there are a lot of opinions but not much concrete research. Talk about peace on earth, good will toward men....for an inveterate do-gooder like me, information on child raising would be the solution to a lot of the world's problems. Unfortunately, we all seem to think we should know how to raise our children, and we stumble through it without having a clue - most of us, that is. A lot of us are clueless that we don't have have a clue.
I have a daughter with a toddler. She expects herself to already know how to take care of her, and when her strategies don't work, she doesn't know what to do. But she's ashamed to ask because she thinks she should already know. So, she gets very frustrated. Frustration leads her to yelling, which in turn leads to loud screaming and crying from the baby.
I can relate since I experienced the same thing. I read Dr. Spock and that was some help but a lot of what went on on a daily basis was just not in the book. I asked a lot of questions of other mothers but what they said didn't seem to fit. For example, I asked a woman I met at a company party, how she got her two-year old toilet trained. She said she just tied him to the potty chair until he went and wouldn't let him up no matter how much he screamed. Even though I didn't have a clue, I was pretty sure that was wrong. But boy, she certainly was sure she was right!
I longed for something definitive that would help me with the day to day situations I encountered. Never did find it. So, I just went along everyday feeling wrong and guilty - which made me depressed and a worse mother. From talking to other mothers, no one ever felt they were doing things right. Like me they had no way to judge, so if their children weren't always happy and perfect, they were sure it was their fault.
I have a daughter with a toddler. She expects herself to already know how to take care of her, and when her strategies don't work, she doesn't know what to do. But she's ashamed to ask because she thinks she should already know. So, she gets very frustrated. Frustration leads her to yelling, which in turn leads to loud screaming and crying from the baby.
I can relate since I experienced the same thing. I read Dr. Spock and that was some help but a lot of what went on on a daily basis was just not in the book. I asked a lot of questions of other mothers but what they said didn't seem to fit. For example, I asked a woman I met at a company party, how she got her two-year old toilet trained. She said she just tied him to the potty chair until he went and wouldn't let him up no matter how much he screamed. Even though I didn't have a clue, I was pretty sure that was wrong. But boy, she certainly was sure she was right!
I longed for something definitive that would help me with the day to day situations I encountered. Never did find it. So, I just went along everyday feeling wrong and guilty - which made me depressed and a worse mother. From talking to other mothers, no one ever felt they were doing things right. Like me they had no way to judge, so if their children weren't always happy and perfect, they were sure it was their fault.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Gratitude
Tis the season for an attitude of gratitude. I'm more familiar with grumpy than gratitude but....
- I'm glad I survived the wreck. If you had asked me before the wreck if I wanted to die at the same time as Ron, I would have said, "yes." But that was because I was so afraid of losing him. When I woke up in the hospital, I immediately knew that it was his time but not mine and I wasn't afraid. Just terribly sad. I believe I'm here for a reason. I can think of several possibilities but I don't really know. For right now, I'm just focusing on healing and awaiting instructions from a higher power. I miss Ron like hell, like I knew I would, but I'm not afraid to live without him.
- I am most grateful of all for family and friends. I am still amazed by all the energy and love that has held me up for the past two years. It's never even begun to slack up. I wish I could think of a way to write a story about it. I'm trying but haven't figured out how I want it yet. In this day and age of incredible busy-ness when everyone is overloaded with way, way too much to do, people carved huge chunks out of their lives to be there for me in every conceivable way. They fed me, clothed me, sat with me, cried with me, slept at my house to oversee my middle of the night fears and bathroom visits, cared for my cat, helped me pay my bills and take care of the massive amount of paper work involved after an accident and a death, helped me take a bath, did my laundry, cleaned my house, brought me 12 Step meetings in the hospital and at home, helped me do Ron's memorial (mostly they did it. I didn't do much), gave money to help with extra expenses, took me to the doctor, picked up prescriptions, went to the grocery store, mowed the grass, fixed my house so that I could manage in a wheelchair, took me to meetings, took me out to eat, took me to the movies and just sat around and loved me. Utterly amazing. I'm particularly grateful for my daughters who both had major changes going on in their lives at the time of the wreck - one moved from Virginia to Texas and the other had a brand new baby. They really had their lives disrupted one more time but stood up under it like the tough, loving women they are. I've heard it said that sometimes there's nothing you can do to repay what's given to you except to pass it on. This is certainly one of those times.
More on gratitude later.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Dreams
I've been having some dandy dreams. They are very entertaining to me. It occurred to me that writing them down might be useful, so...
I dreamed I was having sex with conjoined twins. It went rather well.
I dreamed I was a man who was going for a job interview. When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked anxious. So I decided to lower my eyebrows because I thought I would look calm. The whole dream was about plucking my eyebrows just the right amount at the top and brushing them down with a brush and then putting gel on them so they would stay down. When I finished, I left the mirror and the dream was over.
I dreamed I was having sex with conjoined twins. It went rather well.
I dreamed I was a man who was going for a job interview. When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked anxious. So I decided to lower my eyebrows because I thought I would look calm. The whole dream was about plucking my eyebrows just the right amount at the top and brushing them down with a brush and then putting gel on them so they would stay down. When I finished, I left the mirror and the dream was over.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Back Again
I see I've been absent a long time again. That's mostly because I've been up to my ears in change. It took awhile to recover from surgery. Plus right before surgery I made the decision to step down from my job in order to have more time to do the things I need to do to heal, and to allow them to find someone to do the important work that I cannot do due to my recovery issues. It was a very good decision. I felt stress leave as soon as I made it. I had thought my recovery would be in a fairly straight line upward. I was wrong - it's been up and down and a lot of down. So, I spent the time before surgery rushing around to set up a new business through which I will contract to do a small amount of work. After surgery, as soon as I was able, I prepared for the CRUISE that my oldest daughter and I have been planning for a long time. We booked it to celebrate my being able to walk with a cane. But as it happened, I went in my wheelchair because it turned out that the femur in my right leg was not healed, and that's why I needed the surgery. So, we celebrated surviving adversity in pretty good shape instead.
The cruise was a great experience - just rest and kindness and good food and beautiful music. It was lovely to spend the time with Liz. She's been with me through this extremely tough experience and has managed to be positive through it all. And this is in spite of a difficult two years of her own. The highlight next to the beauty of it all, was the crew of the ship - representing more than 100 different countries. They were friendly and kind and fascinating people.
Now I'm back to reality - going through mail, paperwork from surgery (a full time job), and just trying to see what I need to be doing to play my part in healing. I've decided to put myself on a very high nutrition diet, increase my exercise, and do all I can to develop spiritually. That way I will know I've done my part to heal. The rest will be up to a higher power, of course
The cruise was a great experience - just rest and kindness and good food and beautiful music. It was lovely to spend the time with Liz. She's been with me through this extremely tough experience and has managed to be positive through it all. And this is in spite of a difficult two years of her own. The highlight next to the beauty of it all, was the crew of the ship - representing more than 100 different countries. They were friendly and kind and fascinating people.
Now I'm back to reality - going through mail, paperwork from surgery (a full time job), and just trying to see what I need to be doing to play my part in healing. I've decided to put myself on a very high nutrition diet, increase my exercise, and do all I can to develop spiritually. That way I will know I've done my part to heal. The rest will be up to a higher power, of course
Monday, October 08, 2007
Battle of the Sexes
I am worried that these facts I pick up here and there; handled casually by the media like they aren't important at all; are as important as water and food to people but totally unnoticed!
I just heard on NBC (a talk show with two psychologists) that the "friends with benefits" phenomenon that seems to be popular right now, doesn't work at all well for women. Well, we women probably already knew that, but there's science that explains it. It seems that testosterone blocks the receptors in the brain that cause attachment as a result of the pleasure hormone that floods the brain during good sex. But women become strongly attached as a result of the pleasure hormone because, of course, we don't have enough testosterone to block the attachment.
Think how much heartache women suffer because we become so deeply emotionally attached to guys we experience sexual pleasure with while they remain completely detached. We decide that we're in love and expect him to be also. Think how much some guys disrespect women because they think women are "weak" based on our propensity for "falling in love" uninvited. And all the time it's a plot by biology for guys to run around impregnating women without getting attached while the women get attached and stay faithful out of "love." Oh how sad.
Of course, I also heard a couple of years ago - again on some t.v. show with psychologists - that when men fall in love (and no I have no idea what the biology is that causes it), their testosterone drops and so they become very attached and become like women in their desire to kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. Eventually this wears off and they are not as attached, and they don't like to cuddle, etc. unless it leads to sex. Think how much heartache women suffer because suddenly the love of their lives detaches from them and only cares about sex. Men wonder what happened - why did she become all disgustingly clingy but doesn't want sex? Biology again.
If people knew this it would really save a lot of pain for women. Men would have to work a lot harder to get into womens' pants, so to speak. We women wouldn't expect as much from the poor babies because we'd know they couldn't help but be detached. They're programmed to move from woman to woman and if they don't it's a miracle. Of course, our mothers and grandmothers told us this, but we didn't believe them. It turns out they were right. I hate that. Of course, all this just makes me want some testosterone or to be celibate for the rest of my life.
I just heard on NBC (a talk show with two psychologists) that the "friends with benefits" phenomenon that seems to be popular right now, doesn't work at all well for women. Well, we women probably already knew that, but there's science that explains it. It seems that testosterone blocks the receptors in the brain that cause attachment as a result of the pleasure hormone that floods the brain during good sex. But women become strongly attached as a result of the pleasure hormone because, of course, we don't have enough testosterone to block the attachment.
Think how much heartache women suffer because we become so deeply emotionally attached to guys we experience sexual pleasure with while they remain completely detached. We decide that we're in love and expect him to be also. Think how much some guys disrespect women because they think women are "weak" based on our propensity for "falling in love" uninvited. And all the time it's a plot by biology for guys to run around impregnating women without getting attached while the women get attached and stay faithful out of "love." Oh how sad.
Of course, I also heard a couple of years ago - again on some t.v. show with psychologists - that when men fall in love (and no I have no idea what the biology is that causes it), their testosterone drops and so they become very attached and become like women in their desire to kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. Eventually this wears off and they are not as attached, and they don't like to cuddle, etc. unless it leads to sex. Think how much heartache women suffer because suddenly the love of their lives detaches from them and only cares about sex. Men wonder what happened - why did she become all disgustingly clingy but doesn't want sex? Biology again.
If people knew this it would really save a lot of pain for women. Men would have to work a lot harder to get into womens' pants, so to speak. We women wouldn't expect as much from the poor babies because we'd know they couldn't help but be detached. They're programmed to move from woman to woman and if they don't it's a miracle. Of course, our mothers and grandmothers told us this, but we didn't believe them. It turns out they were right. I hate that. Of course, all this just makes me want some testosterone or to be celibate for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Edith Bunker
I swear I have got to start writing things down that I read or hear so that I can identify where these fascinating things come from. I'm fairly sure that I heard this on t.v.: The character of Edith Bunker in "All in the Family" was developed based on what God would do in each of the situations she was in.
Wow. What a concept. I watched one re-run in the middle of the night with this concept in mind and it fit like a glove. All she ever says is "Oh, Archie" when he's at his worst. She might follow up with reminding him of what a loving person would do instead of what he's doing. She does the same thing with Gloria and Mike. She just encourages and loves everybody no matter how ugly they're acting. Even when people try to run over her, she doesn't really allow it but doesn't exactly fight back either. She just returns their attempts to control her with hugs and kisses. Very interesting. Now I'm tempted to buy the DVDs so I can watch "God" in the person of Edith Bunker as conceptualized by situation comedy writers.
Wow. What a concept. I watched one re-run in the middle of the night with this concept in mind and it fit like a glove. All she ever says is "Oh, Archie" when he's at his worst. She might follow up with reminding him of what a loving person would do instead of what he's doing. She does the same thing with Gloria and Mike. She just encourages and loves everybody no matter how ugly they're acting. Even when people try to run over her, she doesn't really allow it but doesn't exactly fight back either. She just returns their attempts to control her with hugs and kisses. Very interesting. Now I'm tempted to buy the DVDs so I can watch "God" in the person of Edith Bunker as conceptualized by situation comedy writers.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Love is Like War: Easy to Begin, Hard to Stop
The above is a fortune I got in a fortune cookie from Pei Wei's yesterday. Hmmm. So true. I've had that experience time and again. Particularly with falling in love and then finding out that there's something or things about the other person that are totally unacceptable but not being able to stop being in love. Extremely annoying and life changing.
Go or stay? Go or stay? Go or stay? Constant internal conflict. The only sensible solution is to go and grit one's teeth and tolerate the pain of leaving someone very much loved but not unconditionally. It's especially important to do it when being with the person is not healthy for you. It's not good for them to be with someone who finds things about them unacceptable. I think this dilemma is commonly called being "between a rock and a hard place." Sucks.
And then, of course, is the situation I'm in now where I love someone totally and he's dead. Sucks. Can't really figure out how to love someone who's dead. It seems to require his presence. I know it helps a little to send him love wherever he is, hoping that he will receive it. Notice I didn't say it helps much. At a recent women's retreat I attended, we made "God Boxes." This is a technique for "accepting the things I cannot change" from the Serenity Prayer. When you run across something painful that you cannot change, you write it down and put it in the God Box as a symbolic way to teaching yourself to allow God to work on it. I made a God Box to put messages to people who aren't able to receive my love in the usual way and let God deliver them. I don't know if this will help or not but it's worth a try.
Go or stay? Go or stay? Go or stay? Constant internal conflict. The only sensible solution is to go and grit one's teeth and tolerate the pain of leaving someone very much loved but not unconditionally. It's especially important to do it when being with the person is not healthy for you. It's not good for them to be with someone who finds things about them unacceptable. I think this dilemma is commonly called being "between a rock and a hard place." Sucks.
And then, of course, is the situation I'm in now where I love someone totally and he's dead. Sucks. Can't really figure out how to love someone who's dead. It seems to require his presence. I know it helps a little to send him love wherever he is, hoping that he will receive it. Notice I didn't say it helps much. At a recent women's retreat I attended, we made "God Boxes." This is a technique for "accepting the things I cannot change" from the Serenity Prayer. When you run across something painful that you cannot change, you write it down and put it in the God Box as a symbolic way to teaching yourself to allow God to work on it. I made a God Box to put messages to people who aren't able to receive my love in the usual way and let God deliver them. I don't know if this will help or not but it's worth a try.
Monday, September 17, 2007
I'm Back
I really hate these periods where I don't want to write but I know if I don't I will quit altogether because I've lost the momentum.
So.... I'm home recovering from surgery on the 10th. It went well for a change and I'm feeling okay. I got to go home less than 24 hours later which was wonderful. I'm not crazy about having to be quiet and inside for so long but I'm doing okay with it. The last time I had surgery, "Six Feet Under" was running on some cable channel and I watched most of the episodes. It was the best series I've seen in forever. I swear I'd buy DVDs of it if that was available. But this time there's absolutely nothing on tv to watch. Even Dr. Phil seems to have turned into Jerry Springer. So, I might as well give some thought to my blog.
So.... I'm home recovering from surgery on the 10th. It went well for a change and I'm feeling okay. I got to go home less than 24 hours later which was wonderful. I'm not crazy about having to be quiet and inside for so long but I'm doing okay with it. The last time I had surgery, "Six Feet Under" was running on some cable channel and I watched most of the episodes. It was the best series I've seen in forever. I swear I'd buy DVDs of it if that was available. But this time there's absolutely nothing on tv to watch. Even Dr. Phil seems to have turned into Jerry Springer. So, I might as well give some thought to my blog.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Clean Out
Well, today was the appointed day for me to bag up Ron's clothes. I decided that I was not going to postpone it even one more time. Today is the anniversary of the wreck which makes it a good day for clearing out the closet. I've cleared out quite a few other things but the clothes? NO. Everytime I headed for the closet I had the feeling that he would not like it one bit that I gave away his clothes. Of course, what was really going on was that I still had the feeling that he would need his clothes when he came back. I know, I know, that's crazy thinking but it's just part of grief. So I postponed and postponed.
The clothes are now in bags and I will take them to the Salvation Army. Ron did a relapse prevention group for the Salvation Army for several years. These were the homeless guys that had such terrible drug and alcohol problems that they literally had no where to go. He loved those guys a lot and spent extra time with them trying to help them make the transition to the world. He would approve of giving his clothes to them.
Ron loved clothes. Sometimes that was a problem when he was broke. But as I put each item in the bags, I could tell you when he bought it, where he bought it, why he bought it and what he loved about it. Each item was chosen with care and I was usually with him when he bought it. I think it's a good thing to pay attention to what you put on your body every day. Clothes are a big part of what defines you to the world. His signature was a touch of outrageousness and his Hawaiin shirts. I still don't know what to do with the "ear cuff" he bought several years ago for the express purpose of annoying his conservative boss. He sure didn't want to pierce his ears so he just bought a silver ear cuff that he could take on and off.
He liked to buy clothes for me too and had an unerring accuracy about what would look good on me. I didn't pay much attention to clothes when we got together, but I picked up his careful attention to that part of his identity. Another gift I'm left with. I should put all my very best clothes in his now empty closet.
The clothes are now in bags and I will take them to the Salvation Army. Ron did a relapse prevention group for the Salvation Army for several years. These were the homeless guys that had such terrible drug and alcohol problems that they literally had no where to go. He loved those guys a lot and spent extra time with them trying to help them make the transition to the world. He would approve of giving his clothes to them.
Ron loved clothes. Sometimes that was a problem when he was broke. But as I put each item in the bags, I could tell you when he bought it, where he bought it, why he bought it and what he loved about it. Each item was chosen with care and I was usually with him when he bought it. I think it's a good thing to pay attention to what you put on your body every day. Clothes are a big part of what defines you to the world. His signature was a touch of outrageousness and his Hawaiin shirts. I still don't know what to do with the "ear cuff" he bought several years ago for the express purpose of annoying his conservative boss. He sure didn't want to pierce his ears so he just bought a silver ear cuff that he could take on and off.
He liked to buy clothes for me too and had an unerring accuracy about what would look good on me. I didn't pay much attention to clothes when we got together, but I picked up his careful attention to that part of his identity. Another gift I'm left with. I should put all my very best clothes in his now empty closet.
Is it true, Is it kind, Is it necessary?
I picked this up in a meeting the other day. It wasn't the first time I heard it but it was the first time it stuck. I thought we should all have this tatooed on the inside of our forearms where we could consult it before saying anything to anybody. Usually what I say is true. I don't lie on purpose anymore. But the "kind" part is probably something I should work on. And the "necessary?" Wow I REALLY need to work on that. I wonder if even 50% of what I say is actually necessary. I think these questions are really designed to help people stop before they "straighten somebody out." But they're applicable to communication in general.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Talent
One of the things I'm grateful for is all the talented people that live in Tulsa. I've had the opportunity to see singers, musicians of all kinds, actors and other artists over the years. I guess I thought that the only REALLY talented folks were in the movies, on t.v. or made recordings. Well, that's not true. Lots of REALLY talented people live here - and probably a lot of other places too. They just haven't had the luck or whatever to make it to the big time. Which is why I love the new reality shows that show off talent that probably wouldn't make it to the big time otherwise. I used to say that they should make t.v. shows that just gave artists no one ever heard of, the opportunity to be seen. Well, see there, they stole my idea and are making millions! (ha)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Grief
I feel like complaining today.
I've read a lot of books about grief over the years and, of course, more of them lately. And then I've also had a lot of advice about it. Some of the books have been very helpful. Some haven't. In fact, there's just a lot of crap out there about grief. "He's in a better place" is one of the things people used to say. Another one is "time heals all wounds." He may be in a better place and if so, that's good. But he's still gone from me. And "time heals all wounds" may be partially true but so what. If I'm in agony right now, the future doesn't comfort me one bit.
A couple of years ago I read a book about grief that was written by a spiritual teacher I really respect. Unfortunately his book about grief was total crap as far as I was concerned. He said his mother still existed in the universe in the form of energy so she wasn't really totally gone. That one is akin to stuff I've read more recently that people live on in the memories of the people who knew and loved them. Also, I've read that your relationship with the person just changes - you can still communicate with them - write them a letter. I'm sorry but it's just crap. Doesn't make me feel better at all!
The person I loved is not here and pretending that the energy that remains or the memories or the one-sided conversations are actually going to help is just nonsense. I can't touch the person; I can't kiss and hug the person; he or she doesn't answer when I call; he or she doesn't respond to my communication; I can't call him when I have a flat tire in another town and hear "hang on baby - papa's coming to the rescue." What has helped me in the books I've read and the people who have talked to me is the acknowledgement of the amazing pain that grief brings and the better it's described so that I can identify with it, the more it helps.
I read in one book that the agony of the longing for the other person can be just slightly alleviated by sending them your love and blessings wherever they are. That one turns out to be true for me. It doesn't take away the longing but it gives me some place to send the energy of the love I have for that person. It seems to me that a great deal of my pain consists of the inability to actively love the person I've lost. The day to day loving gestures and words have nowhere to go. Of course, I also miss the loving words and gestures that I received every day, but it is actually more painful to think of the person with love a million times a day and have no way to express it.
As I'm learning to survive the grief, I notice that I'm learning a new skill - living without someone I thought was vital to my happiness. As it turns out, the more I practice, the more I see it is possible to live without him happily - most of the time. It's like learning any new skill - hard in the beginning, easier with practice and time. One of the barriers, though, is the feeling that comes over me sometimes, that if I'm happy it means I love him less. Not true, of course, but I still have the feeling and have to talk myself out of it.
I've read a lot of books about grief over the years and, of course, more of them lately. And then I've also had a lot of advice about it. Some of the books have been very helpful. Some haven't. In fact, there's just a lot of crap out there about grief. "He's in a better place" is one of the things people used to say. Another one is "time heals all wounds." He may be in a better place and if so, that's good. But he's still gone from me. And "time heals all wounds" may be partially true but so what. If I'm in agony right now, the future doesn't comfort me one bit.
A couple of years ago I read a book about grief that was written by a spiritual teacher I really respect. Unfortunately his book about grief was total crap as far as I was concerned. He said his mother still existed in the universe in the form of energy so she wasn't really totally gone. That one is akin to stuff I've read more recently that people live on in the memories of the people who knew and loved them. Also, I've read that your relationship with the person just changes - you can still communicate with them - write them a letter. I'm sorry but it's just crap. Doesn't make me feel better at all!
The person I loved is not here and pretending that the energy that remains or the memories or the one-sided conversations are actually going to help is just nonsense. I can't touch the person; I can't kiss and hug the person; he or she doesn't answer when I call; he or she doesn't respond to my communication; I can't call him when I have a flat tire in another town and hear "hang on baby - papa's coming to the rescue." What has helped me in the books I've read and the people who have talked to me is the acknowledgement of the amazing pain that grief brings and the better it's described so that I can identify with it, the more it helps.
I read in one book that the agony of the longing for the other person can be just slightly alleviated by sending them your love and blessings wherever they are. That one turns out to be true for me. It doesn't take away the longing but it gives me some place to send the energy of the love I have for that person. It seems to me that a great deal of my pain consists of the inability to actively love the person I've lost. The day to day loving gestures and words have nowhere to go. Of course, I also miss the loving words and gestures that I received every day, but it is actually more painful to think of the person with love a million times a day and have no way to express it.
As I'm learning to survive the grief, I notice that I'm learning a new skill - living without someone I thought was vital to my happiness. As it turns out, the more I practice, the more I see it is possible to live without him happily - most of the time. It's like learning any new skill - hard in the beginning, easier with practice and time. One of the barriers, though, is the feeling that comes over me sometimes, that if I'm happy it means I love him less. Not true, of course, but I still have the feeling and have to talk myself out of it.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Cronehood
Having decided not to join in the cultural race to look younger via various procedures, and therefore, won't be pretending to be 50, I have to ask myself what to do with myself. It doesn't seem to me that there are many role models. I've always heard that Native Americans and Asians respect elders for their wisdom. But that doesn't seem to be true of our culture. I think that elders are considered to be out of touch and old fashioned. It would be nice to sit around and give advice and be honored for it, but I don't think that's on the menu for my cronehood.
Of course, there's the story I've heard about how Eskimos used to put their old people on ice floes to float to their deaths since they were no longer useful and still had to be fed. I worry some about this one. As we all start to live longer and longer, and our kids have to take care of us to the detriment of their kids and lives...Well, I guess they really wouldn't put us on ice floes but they might want to.
So, I will try to be as useful as I can and will keep trying until I fall over from croneness. For one thing, it's fun. Just sitting around resting is sooo boring. In my work I've had occasion to visit quite a few nursing homes where people are sitting around. It always occurs to me that these folks surely must have some skills they could use. Couldn't they fold towels, sort silverware, hang a picture or something? They would be a lot happier, the people in their lives would respect them more, and they could lighten the load for the grossly underpaid and overworked staff of nursing homes.
Of course, there's the story I've heard about how Eskimos used to put their old people on ice floes to float to their deaths since they were no longer useful and still had to be fed. I worry some about this one. As we all start to live longer and longer, and our kids have to take care of us to the detriment of their kids and lives...Well, I guess they really wouldn't put us on ice floes but they might want to.
So, I will try to be as useful as I can and will keep trying until I fall over from croneness. For one thing, it's fun. Just sitting around resting is sooo boring. In my work I've had occasion to visit quite a few nursing homes where people are sitting around. It always occurs to me that these folks surely must have some skills they could use. Couldn't they fold towels, sort silverware, hang a picture or something? They would be a lot happier, the people in their lives would respect them more, and they could lighten the load for the grossly underpaid and overworked staff of nursing homes.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Obesity
I can't help but wonder about this and it's another thing I see nothing about in the media. I know fast food is partly responsible for the obesity epidemic but the thing is - everybody used to smoke! I was a 5 pack a day smoker and never weighed more than 105 lbs. When I quit, I quickly went to 160 lbs. Hmmm. Wonder how many other people had the same experience. I know, I know - there are plenty of exceptions. My mother was very overweight and she was a heavy smoker too. But still...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Stories
I'm on the other side of some of the worst of the grief, thank God. While I was in it I was so overwhelmed I couldn't put words to it. Now it seems important to try to describe what was happening to me.
First there was the constant realization - over and over- that he was gone. Not gone like he was out of town, but totally and forever gone. I would be thinking like I always did about things I wanted to tell him when he got home, and then realize that he wasn't coming home, and I wasn't going to get to tell him. It was as if I was storing up stories to tell. The were piling up and piling up until the weight of them was crushing me. Telling someone else wouldn't work because they were stories I could only tell him. I wanted to know what he would say; what he would think. There were more than 20 years of history that the stories fit in to. No one else knew the history.
First there was the constant realization - over and over- that he was gone. Not gone like he was out of town, but totally and forever gone. I would be thinking like I always did about things I wanted to tell him when he got home, and then realize that he wasn't coming home, and I wasn't going to get to tell him. It was as if I was storing up stories to tell. The were piling up and piling up until the weight of them was crushing me. Telling someone else wouldn't work because they were stories I could only tell him. I wanted to know what he would say; what he would think. There were more than 20 years of history that the stories fit in to. No one else knew the history.
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