Friday, August 31, 2007
Talent
One of the things I'm grateful for is all the talented people that live in Tulsa. I've had the opportunity to see singers, musicians of all kinds, actors and other artists over the years. I guess I thought that the only REALLY talented folks were in the movies, on t.v. or made recordings. Well, that's not true. Lots of REALLY talented people live here - and probably a lot of other places too. They just haven't had the luck or whatever to make it to the big time. Which is why I love the new reality shows that show off talent that probably wouldn't make it to the big time otherwise. I used to say that they should make t.v. shows that just gave artists no one ever heard of, the opportunity to be seen. Well, see there, they stole my idea and are making millions! (ha)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Grief
I feel like complaining today.
I've read a lot of books about grief over the years and, of course, more of them lately. And then I've also had a lot of advice about it. Some of the books have been very helpful. Some haven't. In fact, there's just a lot of crap out there about grief. "He's in a better place" is one of the things people used to say. Another one is "time heals all wounds." He may be in a better place and if so, that's good. But he's still gone from me. And "time heals all wounds" may be partially true but so what. If I'm in agony right now, the future doesn't comfort me one bit.
A couple of years ago I read a book about grief that was written by a spiritual teacher I really respect. Unfortunately his book about grief was total crap as far as I was concerned. He said his mother still existed in the universe in the form of energy so she wasn't really totally gone. That one is akin to stuff I've read more recently that people live on in the memories of the people who knew and loved them. Also, I've read that your relationship with the person just changes - you can still communicate with them - write them a letter. I'm sorry but it's just crap. Doesn't make me feel better at all!
The person I loved is not here and pretending that the energy that remains or the memories or the one-sided conversations are actually going to help is just nonsense. I can't touch the person; I can't kiss and hug the person; he or she doesn't answer when I call; he or she doesn't respond to my communication; I can't call him when I have a flat tire in another town and hear "hang on baby - papa's coming to the rescue." What has helped me in the books I've read and the people who have talked to me is the acknowledgement of the amazing pain that grief brings and the better it's described so that I can identify with it, the more it helps.
I read in one book that the agony of the longing for the other person can be just slightly alleviated by sending them your love and blessings wherever they are. That one turns out to be true for me. It doesn't take away the longing but it gives me some place to send the energy of the love I have for that person. It seems to me that a great deal of my pain consists of the inability to actively love the person I've lost. The day to day loving gestures and words have nowhere to go. Of course, I also miss the loving words and gestures that I received every day, but it is actually more painful to think of the person with love a million times a day and have no way to express it.
As I'm learning to survive the grief, I notice that I'm learning a new skill - living without someone I thought was vital to my happiness. As it turns out, the more I practice, the more I see it is possible to live without him happily - most of the time. It's like learning any new skill - hard in the beginning, easier with practice and time. One of the barriers, though, is the feeling that comes over me sometimes, that if I'm happy it means I love him less. Not true, of course, but I still have the feeling and have to talk myself out of it.
I've read a lot of books about grief over the years and, of course, more of them lately. And then I've also had a lot of advice about it. Some of the books have been very helpful. Some haven't. In fact, there's just a lot of crap out there about grief. "He's in a better place" is one of the things people used to say. Another one is "time heals all wounds." He may be in a better place and if so, that's good. But he's still gone from me. And "time heals all wounds" may be partially true but so what. If I'm in agony right now, the future doesn't comfort me one bit.
A couple of years ago I read a book about grief that was written by a spiritual teacher I really respect. Unfortunately his book about grief was total crap as far as I was concerned. He said his mother still existed in the universe in the form of energy so she wasn't really totally gone. That one is akin to stuff I've read more recently that people live on in the memories of the people who knew and loved them. Also, I've read that your relationship with the person just changes - you can still communicate with them - write them a letter. I'm sorry but it's just crap. Doesn't make me feel better at all!
The person I loved is not here and pretending that the energy that remains or the memories or the one-sided conversations are actually going to help is just nonsense. I can't touch the person; I can't kiss and hug the person; he or she doesn't answer when I call; he or she doesn't respond to my communication; I can't call him when I have a flat tire in another town and hear "hang on baby - papa's coming to the rescue." What has helped me in the books I've read and the people who have talked to me is the acknowledgement of the amazing pain that grief brings and the better it's described so that I can identify with it, the more it helps.
I read in one book that the agony of the longing for the other person can be just slightly alleviated by sending them your love and blessings wherever they are. That one turns out to be true for me. It doesn't take away the longing but it gives me some place to send the energy of the love I have for that person. It seems to me that a great deal of my pain consists of the inability to actively love the person I've lost. The day to day loving gestures and words have nowhere to go. Of course, I also miss the loving words and gestures that I received every day, but it is actually more painful to think of the person with love a million times a day and have no way to express it.
As I'm learning to survive the grief, I notice that I'm learning a new skill - living without someone I thought was vital to my happiness. As it turns out, the more I practice, the more I see it is possible to live without him happily - most of the time. It's like learning any new skill - hard in the beginning, easier with practice and time. One of the barriers, though, is the feeling that comes over me sometimes, that if I'm happy it means I love him less. Not true, of course, but I still have the feeling and have to talk myself out of it.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Cronehood
Having decided not to join in the cultural race to look younger via various procedures, and therefore, won't be pretending to be 50, I have to ask myself what to do with myself. It doesn't seem to me that there are many role models. I've always heard that Native Americans and Asians respect elders for their wisdom. But that doesn't seem to be true of our culture. I think that elders are considered to be out of touch and old fashioned. It would be nice to sit around and give advice and be honored for it, but I don't think that's on the menu for my cronehood.
Of course, there's the story I've heard about how Eskimos used to put their old people on ice floes to float to their deaths since they were no longer useful and still had to be fed. I worry some about this one. As we all start to live longer and longer, and our kids have to take care of us to the detriment of their kids and lives...Well, I guess they really wouldn't put us on ice floes but they might want to.
So, I will try to be as useful as I can and will keep trying until I fall over from croneness. For one thing, it's fun. Just sitting around resting is sooo boring. In my work I've had occasion to visit quite a few nursing homes where people are sitting around. It always occurs to me that these folks surely must have some skills they could use. Couldn't they fold towels, sort silverware, hang a picture or something? They would be a lot happier, the people in their lives would respect them more, and they could lighten the load for the grossly underpaid and overworked staff of nursing homes.
Of course, there's the story I've heard about how Eskimos used to put their old people on ice floes to float to their deaths since they were no longer useful and still had to be fed. I worry some about this one. As we all start to live longer and longer, and our kids have to take care of us to the detriment of their kids and lives...Well, I guess they really wouldn't put us on ice floes but they might want to.
So, I will try to be as useful as I can and will keep trying until I fall over from croneness. For one thing, it's fun. Just sitting around resting is sooo boring. In my work I've had occasion to visit quite a few nursing homes where people are sitting around. It always occurs to me that these folks surely must have some skills they could use. Couldn't they fold towels, sort silverware, hang a picture or something? They would be a lot happier, the people in their lives would respect them more, and they could lighten the load for the grossly underpaid and overworked staff of nursing homes.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Obesity
I can't help but wonder about this and it's another thing I see nothing about in the media. I know fast food is partly responsible for the obesity epidemic but the thing is - everybody used to smoke! I was a 5 pack a day smoker and never weighed more than 105 lbs. When I quit, I quickly went to 160 lbs. Hmmm. Wonder how many other people had the same experience. I know, I know - there are plenty of exceptions. My mother was very overweight and she was a heavy smoker too. But still...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Stories
I'm on the other side of some of the worst of the grief, thank God. While I was in it I was so overwhelmed I couldn't put words to it. Now it seems important to try to describe what was happening to me.
First there was the constant realization - over and over- that he was gone. Not gone like he was out of town, but totally and forever gone. I would be thinking like I always did about things I wanted to tell him when he got home, and then realize that he wasn't coming home, and I wasn't going to get to tell him. It was as if I was storing up stories to tell. The were piling up and piling up until the weight of them was crushing me. Telling someone else wouldn't work because they were stories I could only tell him. I wanted to know what he would say; what he would think. There were more than 20 years of history that the stories fit in to. No one else knew the history.
First there was the constant realization - over and over- that he was gone. Not gone like he was out of town, but totally and forever gone. I would be thinking like I always did about things I wanted to tell him when he got home, and then realize that he wasn't coming home, and I wasn't going to get to tell him. It was as if I was storing up stories to tell. The were piling up and piling up until the weight of them was crushing me. Telling someone else wouldn't work because they were stories I could only tell him. I wanted to know what he would say; what he would think. There were more than 20 years of history that the stories fit in to. No one else knew the history.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Crone
I believe "crone" is the correct word for the stage of life I'm in. I'm certainly not a child. I'm not in my childbearing years. I'm not even postmenopausal since that happened about 20 years ago. Being a crone wasn't on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. I've been in this stage of life for over 6 years (since age 60), and I can't figure out what to do with it.
In this culture I think what I'm supposed to do is pretend I'm around 45 or 50 and get a lot of skin treatments, maybe even plastic surgery, liposuction, and hair dye. I do have the hair dye and I've given a few hours of thought to those other things. But since I'm limited on funds I have to ask myself, "what would I actually gain if I looked 15 years younger?" "Would it be worth the investment in $ and time and pain?" So....I guess that when I looked in the mirror I would see a younger-looking person. So what? Would I feel better about myself? Why? I know I'm 66. Looking younger wouldn't make me feel different. Or at least I don't think so. So... the change must be for other people. So... what if people thought I was 50? Well, that would only be people who don't know me because people who know me know I'm 66. I guess that looking 50 might be a good thing if I was looking for a job. But I already have a job.
Or, of course, there's the obvious: MEN would find me more attractive. Or they would until I took off my clothes or got under a bright light. It's kind of like wearing what we used to call "falsies." If a guy thinks you have big boobs and that's one of the reasons he was attracted to you, what happens when you take them off in his presence? Have you had a little conversation beforehand? "By the way, honey...." Or do you just let him find out on his own? Scary. I thought about that one a lot when my mother bought me my first padded bra because she felt sorry for my flatchestedness.
Okay. Am I looking for a man? No. When I think about this question, I think "what would I do with one?" We could have fun doing things together. It would be lovely to have sex enter my life again. But then there's all the rest of it. Would he expect me to do things with him that he likes but I hate? Would he expect me to sew on buttons, pick up his socks, fix his meals, change the toilet paper rolls, like his dog, etc.? I barely can do those things for myself in the condition I'm in. He might not like what I like and then I'd have to limit myself on those things - if I didn't want to annoy him. I don't know. Would I want someone who wanted me because I looked 50 instead of 66? Very scary.
Being a crone is very confusing. More on this later.
In this culture I think what I'm supposed to do is pretend I'm around 45 or 50 and get a lot of skin treatments, maybe even plastic surgery, liposuction, and hair dye. I do have the hair dye and I've given a few hours of thought to those other things. But since I'm limited on funds I have to ask myself, "what would I actually gain if I looked 15 years younger?" "Would it be worth the investment in $ and time and pain?" So....I guess that when I looked in the mirror I would see a younger-looking person. So what? Would I feel better about myself? Why? I know I'm 66. Looking younger wouldn't make me feel different. Or at least I don't think so. So... the change must be for other people. So... what if people thought I was 50? Well, that would only be people who don't know me because people who know me know I'm 66. I guess that looking 50 might be a good thing if I was looking for a job. But I already have a job.
Or, of course, there's the obvious: MEN would find me more attractive. Or they would until I took off my clothes or got under a bright light. It's kind of like wearing what we used to call "falsies." If a guy thinks you have big boobs and that's one of the reasons he was attracted to you, what happens when you take them off in his presence? Have you had a little conversation beforehand? "By the way, honey...." Or do you just let him find out on his own? Scary. I thought about that one a lot when my mother bought me my first padded bra because she felt sorry for my flatchestedness.
Okay. Am I looking for a man? No. When I think about this question, I think "what would I do with one?" We could have fun doing things together. It would be lovely to have sex enter my life again. But then there's all the rest of it. Would he expect me to do things with him that he likes but I hate? Would he expect me to sew on buttons, pick up his socks, fix his meals, change the toilet paper rolls, like his dog, etc.? I barely can do those things for myself in the condition I'm in. He might not like what I like and then I'd have to limit myself on those things - if I didn't want to annoy him. I don't know. Would I want someone who wanted me because I looked 50 instead of 66? Very scary.
Being a crone is very confusing. More on this later.
Monday, July 30, 2007
You Don't Love Me and You Never Did
This is about getting to be enough - so I'll do this one more and then quit for now and come back to it later. You Don't Love Me and You Never Did is enough for an entire blog for several years!
Now this is so lofty that I hate to even write it down, but it's what has been taught to me in 12 step programs for the past 24 years: The only solution to this dilemma is unconditional love. And, of course, unconditional love would mean perfection which none of us is capable of. But, with the help of God it's possible to move in that direction at least. What I know for sure from my experience is that when I'm focused on loving unconditionally, I forget about the "you don't love me and you never did" dilemma. For some mysterious, incredibly lofty reason, trying to love takes care of my need for love. My best guess is that my effort opens the channel between me and God and God's love fills my need.
Now this is so lofty that I hate to even write it down, but it's what has been taught to me in 12 step programs for the past 24 years: The only solution to this dilemma is unconditional love. And, of course, unconditional love would mean perfection which none of us is capable of. But, with the help of God it's possible to move in that direction at least. What I know for sure from my experience is that when I'm focused on loving unconditionally, I forget about the "you don't love me and you never did" dilemma. For some mysterious, incredibly lofty reason, trying to love takes care of my need for love. My best guess is that my effort opens the channel between me and God and God's love fills my need.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
You Don't Love Me and You Never Did
On the other hand.... if they really are doing something that proves they couldn't possibly love you - what then? How do you know for sure? You could ask somebody but they will just be guessing. Aren't there some universal rules?
Everybody has rules about love. And everybody thinks his/her rules are the same as everybody else's and are absolutely right. So, if you break their rules or they break yours, then it means you don't love them or they don't love you, right? But what if their rules are totally different from yours? Well, then I guess we must straighten them out about what the right rules are! And the best way to do that is to yell and have a fit. Wait. Maybe that's not right.
Everybody has rules about love. And everybody thinks his/her rules are the same as everybody else's and are absolutely right. So, if you break their rules or they break yours, then it means you don't love them or they don't love you, right? But what if their rules are totally different from yours? Well, then I guess we must straighten them out about what the right rules are! And the best way to do that is to yell and have a fit. Wait. Maybe that's not right.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
You Don't Love Me and You Never Did
Maybe instead of jumping to the conclusion that they don't love us and they never did, we could just ask for what we want and mention that if they would do it (or not do it), it would make us feel loved. Who knows - they might just do it. The trouble is - at least for me - that I react so emotionally (to an extreme), that simply asking would require a whole lot of self restraint. When suddenly completely sure that the person I love and who I thought loved me, does something that I think proves he doesn't love me, it's pretty hard to be calm and make a request. It feels like I'm dying and must defend myself from death!
Reasoning with me doesn't usually help much although Ron used to sidle up to me and say, "Hey, remember me? I'm Ron. And I'm on your side." Sometimes that helped. But my insane mind sometimes told me he was just trying to pull the wool over my eyes because he didn't want me to know he didn't love me anymore.
Reasoning with me doesn't usually help much although Ron used to sidle up to me and say, "Hey, remember me? I'm Ron. And I'm on your side." Sometimes that helped. But my insane mind sometimes told me he was just trying to pull the wool over my eyes because he didn't want me to know he didn't love me anymore.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
You Don't Love Me and You Never Did
A long time ago when my dear friend, Brad, was still alive, I called him and he answered the phone in a terribly grumpy voice. I said that I didn't do anything so why was he mad at me? He said he was sorry - that he had been arguing with his mother. I asked what they were arguing about. "It started with the temperature to set the air conditioner on and ended with you don't love me and you never did," he explained. I've never forgotten that because it summed up every argument I ever had with someone I loved. It might sum up every argument anyone ever has with someone they love.
If you really loved me, you would set the air conditioner on the temperature I want.
If you really loved me, you would be on time.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I'm late.
If you really loved me, you would hug me when I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would not bug me to hug you.
If you really loved me, you would wear what I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would lose weight.
If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks.
If you really loved me, YOU would pick up MY socks.
If you really loved me, you would spend less money.
If you really loved me, you would spend more money (on me).
If you really loved me, you would have sex when I want to.
If you really loved me, you wouldn't talk to people of the opposite sex like that.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I don't want to have sex.
If you really loved me, you would put me before the kids.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I have to put the kids first.
If you really loved me, you would stop drinking, gambling, whatever.
If you really loved me, you would understand why I don't stop whatever and you would get off my back.
If you really loved me, you would set the air conditioner on the temperature I want.
If you really loved me, you would be on time.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I'm late.
If you really loved me, you would hug me when I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would not bug me to hug you.
If you really loved me, you would wear what I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would lose weight.
If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks.
If you really loved me, YOU would pick up MY socks.
If you really loved me, you would spend less money.
If you really loved me, you would spend more money (on me).
If you really loved me, you would have sex when I want to.
If you really loved me, you wouldn't talk to people of the opposite sex like that.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I don't want to have sex.
If you really loved me, you would put me before the kids.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I have to put the kids first.
If you really loved me, you would stop drinking, gambling, whatever.
If you really loved me, you would understand why I don't stop whatever and you would get off my back.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Flowers
When I was a kid one of the things I loved was my mother's habit of growing old-fashioned flowers in the summer. We had whole gardens of zinnias, marigolds (large and dwarf), salvia, petunias, snap dragons and others that I can't remember names for. Every few days she picked a huge bunch and arranged them in a turquoise glass bowl which sat on the dining room table. I thought we were very sophisticated for having those flowers on the table at dinner. I sometimes grew my own garden of flowers and picked some of them for the table.
When I stopped smoking more than 20 years ago, I was smoking about 5 packs a day, which cost around $150 a month. It would be a whole lot more now. I promised myself that I would never lack for expensive perfume or fresh flowers as long as I lived. If I could somehow find the money for cigarettes as broke as I was at the time, I could surely always find the money for things that smelled a whole lot better. I've kept the promise to have perfume I wanted, but only partially kept the fresh flowers promise. Sometimes I had them; sometimes I didn't. Usually I just bought something at the grocery store.
However, recently it occured to me that I could take a vase to my favorite florist (a little vase) and ask them to do an arrangement and pick it up later. Somehow having flowers all the time nourishes my soul. So I tried it and I love it as much as I thought I would. They always ask me what kind of flowers I want and how I want them arranged. I always tell them they're the ones with the talent, so they should use their best judgment. I get the most amazing bouquets for not very much money - around $25 a week which is a while lot less than I was spending on cigarettes 20 plus years ago!
Right now I have two amazing bouquets - one I got for $5.00 at the farmer's market. It's a huge bunch of zinnias (red ones mostly) and marigolds. The other one came from the florist. It's sunflowers, poppies (orange and purple), and various other ones that I'm unacquainted with - mostly maroon, plus of course, various other things that look like wild flowers. My soul is definitely nourished this week.
When I stopped smoking more than 20 years ago, I was smoking about 5 packs a day, which cost around $150 a month. It would be a whole lot more now. I promised myself that I would never lack for expensive perfume or fresh flowers as long as I lived. If I could somehow find the money for cigarettes as broke as I was at the time, I could surely always find the money for things that smelled a whole lot better. I've kept the promise to have perfume I wanted, but only partially kept the fresh flowers promise. Sometimes I had them; sometimes I didn't. Usually I just bought something at the grocery store.
However, recently it occured to me that I could take a vase to my favorite florist (a little vase) and ask them to do an arrangement and pick it up later. Somehow having flowers all the time nourishes my soul. So I tried it and I love it as much as I thought I would. They always ask me what kind of flowers I want and how I want them arranged. I always tell them they're the ones with the talent, so they should use their best judgment. I get the most amazing bouquets for not very much money - around $25 a week which is a while lot less than I was spending on cigarettes 20 plus years ago!
Right now I have two amazing bouquets - one I got for $5.00 at the farmer's market. It's a huge bunch of zinnias (red ones mostly) and marigolds. The other one came from the florist. It's sunflowers, poppies (orange and purple), and various other ones that I'm unacquainted with - mostly maroon, plus of course, various other things that look like wild flowers. My soul is definitely nourished this week.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Outlook
My outlook seems to be sliding right smack into the negative. Most of what I've written lately seems to either be rants about stuff I see on CNN or complaints about grief and/or pain. The inside of my head seems to be deteriorating into sludge. Time for a change.
In actual fact (what a weird phrase), my life is good. I eat well, I sleep sort of well - at least better than I did when I was sleeping in the hospital bed. I have loads of fabulous friends. I have fun on a regular basis. I do miss my two guy friends that have moved away. But I still hear from them (thank you email) and get to see them from time to time. I have a great job even though I've had to go to part time due to my slowness to recover from the last surgery. I have enough money to get my hair done, my toes done and a massage every month. Two small closets are full of clothes that I think are fabulous (thank you Chico's for solving my dressing disorder). I have conscious contact with a higher power that comforts and directs me - the directions are always pretty much the same - take good care of yourself and work on loving the people in my life unconditionally. I have four great kids, four great grandkids. It's really hard to describe how great they are. I enjoy my relationship with each of them and they are so different. And, of course, there's Cisco the cat. He's a lover cat - talks to me, kisses me, cuddles me and teases me.
I love gratitude lists. This one isn't finished but it's enough for now.
In actual fact (what a weird phrase), my life is good. I eat well, I sleep sort of well - at least better than I did when I was sleeping in the hospital bed. I have loads of fabulous friends. I have fun on a regular basis. I do miss my two guy friends that have moved away. But I still hear from them (thank you email) and get to see them from time to time. I have a great job even though I've had to go to part time due to my slowness to recover from the last surgery. I have enough money to get my hair done, my toes done and a massage every month. Two small closets are full of clothes that I think are fabulous (thank you Chico's for solving my dressing disorder). I have conscious contact with a higher power that comforts and directs me - the directions are always pretty much the same - take good care of yourself and work on loving the people in my life unconditionally. I have four great kids, four great grandkids. It's really hard to describe how great they are. I enjoy my relationship with each of them and they are so different. And, of course, there's Cisco the cat. He's a lover cat - talks to me, kisses me, cuddles me and teases me.
I love gratitude lists. This one isn't finished but it's enough for now.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Being a Woman
Guess what! I read an article in Psychology Today that cites recent research regarding why men judge women on the basis of their looks (plus what we need to look like to attract them). It was oddly comforting to know I'm not crazy when I've observed this stuff time and time again.
So, the article said that -in general - meaning not all men all the time but on the average - men are attracted to women with small waists, big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Now this obviously does not apply to gay people or people of color. Some of it could be extrapolated I guess but.... Anyway, according to the article, men are programmed by their biology to look for women who are healthy/fertile - which would also mean young. Women around menopause start collecting fat around their waists so a small waist means young/fertile. Big boobs sag more with age than little ones so it's easier to spot youth in women with big ones. Sick people's hair doesn't grow long - I can testify to this - my hair and nails didn't grow for months after the wreck. So, long hair - and the longer it is the better - means the healthier (thus more fertile) the woman is. Blonde hair usually darkens with age; therefore, the more blonde the hair, the younger (thus more fertile) the woman is. When a woman is attracted to someone, her pupils dilate and it's easier to see this in blue eyed women. Personality, brains - none of that counts at all with fertility.
According to the article, men are completely unconscious of their programming but the statistics bear out the over all pattern. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it), women who have boob jobs, liposuction, dye their hair blond and get hair extensions and wear blue contacts will attract more men even though it's all artificial. The guys aren't programmed to tell the difference between the real and artificial. I still think it's sad. The poor babies are chasing women who may or may not be suitable for long term companions/partners and those of us who don't fit the template get the leftovers.
The article also extrapolated the data to a whole lot of other things - like good looking people tend to have more girls, religions that tolerate polygamy tend to have more violent men, etc. But I was just interested in knowing why men seemed to be so ignorant when they chased women. Now I know. They can't help it, the poor babies. But being old, with a large waist, little boobs and dark hair - I am now officially out of luck!
So, the article said that -in general - meaning not all men all the time but on the average - men are attracted to women with small waists, big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Now this obviously does not apply to gay people or people of color. Some of it could be extrapolated I guess but.... Anyway, according to the article, men are programmed by their biology to look for women who are healthy/fertile - which would also mean young. Women around menopause start collecting fat around their waists so a small waist means young/fertile. Big boobs sag more with age than little ones so it's easier to spot youth in women with big ones. Sick people's hair doesn't grow long - I can testify to this - my hair and nails didn't grow for months after the wreck. So, long hair - and the longer it is the better - means the healthier (thus more fertile) the woman is. Blonde hair usually darkens with age; therefore, the more blonde the hair, the younger (thus more fertile) the woman is. When a woman is attracted to someone, her pupils dilate and it's easier to see this in blue eyed women. Personality, brains - none of that counts at all with fertility.
According to the article, men are completely unconscious of their programming but the statistics bear out the over all pattern. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it), women who have boob jobs, liposuction, dye their hair blond and get hair extensions and wear blue contacts will attract more men even though it's all artificial. The guys aren't programmed to tell the difference between the real and artificial. I still think it's sad. The poor babies are chasing women who may or may not be suitable for long term companions/partners and those of us who don't fit the template get the leftovers.
The article also extrapolated the data to a whole lot of other things - like good looking people tend to have more girls, religions that tolerate polygamy tend to have more violent men, etc. But I was just interested in knowing why men seemed to be so ignorant when they chased women. Now I know. They can't help it, the poor babies. But being old, with a large waist, little boobs and dark hair - I am now officially out of luck!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Supreme Court Ruling
Okay, now I'm REALLY upset. Am I the only old person that remembers Brown vs. the Board of Education? I was a kid when the Supreme Court ordered schools integrated and it was NOT to "create diversity!" I don't think that was even discussed at the time. The truth was that the segregated schools were terrible. African American kids got horribly crappy education. In my town, the black kids went to a one room school and the teacher didn't even have an 8th grade education. When those kids came to our school due to the Supreme Court decision, they were so far behind it was totally pitiful.
Even as recently as when my kids were in school, the schools where the black kids went were falling down around their ears, they had fewer school books, etc. Of course, the kids weren't segregated by law then, they were segregated by residential patterns. But the schools were still lousy for the black kids. So, now the Supreme Court says race can't be the major factor in assigning kids to schools so the magnet schools are ended and the other desegregation efforts are ended. Well, we'll see how long it takes for the schools that are predominantly black to descend into crappy. I'm going to guess not very long based on how my city spends money to repair streets. The more black people there are in a neighborhood, the crappier the streets. Check it out.
Even as recently as when my kids were in school, the schools where the black kids went were falling down around their ears, they had fewer school books, etc. Of course, the kids weren't segregated by law then, they were segregated by residential patterns. But the schools were still lousy for the black kids. So, now the Supreme Court says race can't be the major factor in assigning kids to schools so the magnet schools are ended and the other desegregation efforts are ended. Well, we'll see how long it takes for the schools that are predominantly black to descend into crappy. I'm going to guess not very long based on how my city spends money to repair streets. The more black people there are in a neighborhood, the crappier the streets. Check it out.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
zoo
Rebecca and I went to the zoo when it was raining off and on. A lot of the animals were asleep. A couple of male chimps were standing in the rain with their lower jaws jutting out, letting it rain in their mouths. I've done that myself when I was a kid.
The rhinos were awake too. They were cuddling. We'd never seen cuddling rhinos before. They lay side by side and rubbed their chins on each other. Then one got up, turned around, lay down again, pushed his butt firmly against the other one and heaved a big sigh of contentment.
The meerkats were up and looking curiously at us. They seem to have actual facial expression. All the birds were awake too.
I think other than the ones I've described that were awake, all the rest were asleep. A rainy afternoon looking at snoozing animals made me want to take a nap too so I had to do it as soon as I got home.
The rhinos were awake too. They were cuddling. We'd never seen cuddling rhinos before. They lay side by side and rubbed their chins on each other. Then one got up, turned around, lay down again, pushed his butt firmly against the other one and heaved a big sigh of contentment.
The meerkats were up and looking curiously at us. They seem to have actual facial expression. All the birds were awake too.
I think other than the ones I've described that were awake, all the rest were asleep. A rainy afternoon looking at snoozing animals made me want to take a nap too so I had to do it as soon as I got home.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Losses
Some things I really miss:
Having somebody I love incredibly much around every day to hug and kiss. I kissed Ron on the top of his head every time I passed by him when he was sitting down. Now I just have to kiss the cat twice as much and he really likes it. Wherever Ron is, I think he knows half the cat's kisses are his.
Having somebody around every day that I know thinks I'm just about perfect. Not totally but almost. That feels really, really good - especially if it's somebody you love and whose opinion you respect! And especially if it's someone who knows you snore and cuss and are lazy and sometimes even mean and still thinks you're almost perfect.
Having somebody I love incredibly much around every day to hug and kiss. I kissed Ron on the top of his head every time I passed by him when he was sitting down. Now I just have to kiss the cat twice as much and he really likes it. Wherever Ron is, I think he knows half the cat's kisses are his.
Having somebody around every day that I know thinks I'm just about perfect. Not totally but almost. That feels really, really good - especially if it's somebody you love and whose opinion you respect! And especially if it's someone who knows you snore and cuss and are lazy and sometimes even mean and still thinks you're almost perfect.
Being a Woman
The best thing about being a woman is the built-in desire to love and nurture. I love that in myself and other women. Even though I'm basically kind of self-centered, I still have the instinct to nurture. I see that in some men, and it's lovable in them too. Most women seem to have it unless they are severely damaged psychologically.
The worst thing about being a woman is always being judged by my looks. I really don't have the words to describe how I hate it. I've noticed that when describing a woman, men always mention how she looks first. It's undoubtedly biological, and they can't help it, but it's sad anyway. I can't make up my mind whether - if I had known this was how it worked when I was 20 - I would have tried to really work on how I looked. For most of my life I assumed I was only decent looking and that nothing could be done about that, so I made no effort to improve how I looked. Now that I know, I wonder what would have happened if.....
The worst thing about being a woman is always being judged by my looks. I really don't have the words to describe how I hate it. I've noticed that when describing a woman, men always mention how she looks first. It's undoubtedly biological, and they can't help it, but it's sad anyway. I can't make up my mind whether - if I had known this was how it worked when I was 20 - I would have tried to really work on how I looked. For most of my life I assumed I was only decent looking and that nothing could be done about that, so I made no effort to improve how I looked. Now that I know, I wonder what would have happened if.....
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Losses
Losing a loving partner is a bunch of losses - not just one. My dear friend Joanie told me after her husband died that when she was missing him terribly, she would just mentally list the things she hated about him and was glad to be rid of and was cured instantly of missing him. So some of the losses are of things I didn't like - hate is too strong a word - and remembering them does help a little, but I'm not instantly cured.
One of the losses that makes me feel better -
One of the losses that makes me feel better -
Worry - I don't worry about what the crisis is going to be next. Ron was a crisis junkie and had one every one or two weeks. Being severely co-dependent, I thought I should solve every one of them and just drove myself completely crazy. He lost things all the time - keys to things - I got a lot of calls from him when I was out of town asking me to come and give him the key to his office or his car or the house. He also lost expensive watches, fishing equipment and worst of all, his false teeth. There are still many, many sunglasses and reading glasses in the house and the garage because he lost them so many times he finally just bought 20 at a time.
The other kind of crises were the medical crises which were fairly constant the last 10 years of our marriage. He never wanted to go to the doctor, let alone the hospital or the emergency room. So, I spend a lot of co-dependent hours thinking up ways to get him to the doctor, the hospital or the emergency room. Once I called an ambulance and they made him go. Those were the worst because there was always a really good chance he was going to die.
Now that the worst has happened I don't have to be braced all the time. Of course, when I finally went to Alanon and got a sponsor and actually tried to free myself (and him) from my obsessive rescuing, things got a lot better. He never met my Alanon sponsor but he referred people to her. He said she was responsible for greatly improving his quality of life.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Rain
I guess it must just be terribly impractical or someone would have done it by now. But I would like to see someone try. Or at least talk about it.
We're getting too much rain in the middle part of the country and there are wild fires on both coasts from drought. If we can move oil by pipeline.... I guess there must not be any money in it - gathering excess rain and moving it to where it's needed. But if I knew how to build a pipeline and could get some other crazy people to go in with me...
We're getting too much rain in the middle part of the country and there are wild fires on both coasts from drought. If we can move oil by pipeline.... I guess there must not be any money in it - gathering excess rain and moving it to where it's needed. But if I knew how to build a pipeline and could get some other crazy people to go in with me...
Friday, June 15, 2007
Immigration
I am so confused. It's one of those times when the true motives of the decision-makers in government are out of my realm of thinking. Here's the way I'm thinking about illegal immigration from Mexico and it doesn't fit with what I hear on CNN:
Lots of people are coming to this country from Mexico. Some of them are drug runners, but that's another story. Most of them, though, are just poor people trying to get away from a hopeless situation. Here they get lousy pay, backbreaking work and live in substandard housing. But it's so much better than Mexico that they're willing to risk their lives and even their children's lives to come here.
For a long time now, businesses - large and small - have hired them because they work so cheap which increases the businesses' profits. It seems to me that's why people say they need these workers to take jobs Americans won't take. Well, of course we won't. None of us would want to live the way these folks have to live because we have other choices. We might very well do the jobs if they paid a living wage.
Now there's this big outcry about illegal immigration, and I can't really follow what the complaint is. Yes, it's illegal, but so are a lot of other things that no one cares about because they benefit people with power. Ostensibly it's because we might be letting terrorists in over the border but really.... I haven't heard one thing about Mexicans being terrorists. No one believes that.
Or it's because they aren't paying income taxes and their children are coming to school and using other services, etc. etc. Oh come on, there are thousands of wealthy people who aren't paying taxes, but if they were, our government could probably get out of debt. If all the illegals from Mexico paid taxes it would be a drop in the bucket against the national debt.
So, I don't get it. If we don't want these folks why don't we just help Mexico develop an economy that would employ them and give them the same substandard (by our standards) lives they could build here? Then they wouldn't come, right? It worries me that maybe all this hoo hah about illegal immigration is just so that we'll think something is being done and businesses can continue to hire them and maximize their profits.
Lots of people are coming to this country from Mexico. Some of them are drug runners, but that's another story. Most of them, though, are just poor people trying to get away from a hopeless situation. Here they get lousy pay, backbreaking work and live in substandard housing. But it's so much better than Mexico that they're willing to risk their lives and even their children's lives to come here.
For a long time now, businesses - large and small - have hired them because they work so cheap which increases the businesses' profits. It seems to me that's why people say they need these workers to take jobs Americans won't take. Well, of course we won't. None of us would want to live the way these folks have to live because we have other choices. We might very well do the jobs if they paid a living wage.
Now there's this big outcry about illegal immigration, and I can't really follow what the complaint is. Yes, it's illegal, but so are a lot of other things that no one cares about because they benefit people with power. Ostensibly it's because we might be letting terrorists in over the border but really.... I haven't heard one thing about Mexicans being terrorists. No one believes that.
Or it's because they aren't paying income taxes and their children are coming to school and using other services, etc. etc. Oh come on, there are thousands of wealthy people who aren't paying taxes, but if they were, our government could probably get out of debt. If all the illegals from Mexico paid taxes it would be a drop in the bucket against the national debt.
So, I don't get it. If we don't want these folks why don't we just help Mexico develop an economy that would employ them and give them the same substandard (by our standards) lives they could build here? Then they wouldn't come, right? It worries me that maybe all this hoo hah about illegal immigration is just so that we'll think something is being done and businesses can continue to hire them and maximize their profits.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)