Awareness

In the process of working the steps, I've realized - again - that one of the things I find my self regretting over and over is how I've treated people when I'm not conscious of reality. It's not that I treat people really badly, but I could certainly do better. Reality is - all of us are just a breath away from leaving this planet. We have no idea whether this interaction we are having with someone will be the last one because we die or they do. Of course, no one wants to keep this in mind. The only reason I am able to keep this fact in mind is that I've experienced the sudden and unexpected deaths of two of my children and my husband.

Death in our society is a taboo subject (and a taboo thought, apparently). BUT it IS a reality. My newest effort is to try to remember this - especially when I'm interacting with someone with whom I consistently get irritated. I could be at their funeral some day and sit there wishing I had treated them better.

Funerals are funny in an ironic sort of way. We say all kinds of sweet things about people after they're gone and we're missing them terribly. We long to see them again so we can tell them how much we love them and how wonderful we think they are. Of course, it would be a lot better if we told them all this while they were still alive!

The 6th Step says that I need to be entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character. Having just recently done a 4th and 5th Step where I inventoried my defects and talked to one of my Alanon sponsors about them, I have a nice, tidy list of them. So, today I tried to see what behavior I need to change and what to change it to. This is one of those things that absolutely wears me out. I don't squirm in shame anymore. But I do get really tired. I think I get tired just from thinking about changing my behavior. The thing is... the step says GOD is the one who will remove....As one of my friends in the program once said, "Either steps 6 and 7 work or they don't." And I know they do work.