I spent the greater portion of my life in a rush to finish my to do list. I started making todolists when I was a teenager because somehow I had gathered the impression that I was supposed to accomplish stuff in order to be a good person. That's about a 60 year run of the todolist life. Only one time did I actually finish a todolist and I had to stay up without food or sleep for over 24 hours in order to do it. You would think I would have learned something from that experience. I did think that I should make my todolists smaller but that was all.
Later in my 30s I had become so overwhelmed that I was downright crazy with everything I had taken on that I had to just stop or fall apart. I was already a little disintegrated. I stopped long enough to notice that there was a part of me that knew what was what and that could guide my actions and I was excited because I felt strongly that I had found the answer. However, some terrible tragedies came along about that time and I totally let go of what I had discovered. Some part of me connected the tragic things that happened with the discovery I had made and I became terrified to go back to that.
Finally, at my now advanced age, I have arrived at a place where I am brave enough to stop again and renew my search for that part of me that I now know is intuition. So my new practice is to ask that part of me for guidance and attempt to follow instructions. I hope I will get really good at this sooner rather than later. So far, I am delighted with the peacefulness I have.
No comments:
Post a Comment