Don't Do Anything Too Stupid

One of the greatest gifts I've received from my recovery program is the ability to manage emotions - especially the kind of emotions that tempt me to do things I know better than to do. I wish I could say that I have this totally managed but I don't. The thing is, I really do know that when I have strong feelings and really want to act out, it's usually fear - fear from my past experiences. My brain is trying to save me from another bad experience but my poor brain can't tell the difference between something important and something unimportant. So I react in a way that really doesn't have anything to do with the present. Knowing this gives me the power to stop and think and pray - which usually keeps me from doing anything too stupid!

Supply or Demand

The war on drugs... don't they remember about prohibition? They focused on solving the problems with the effects of alcohol on humans by banning it. Gosh. That didn't work out very well, did it? The war on drugs is going just as well. Humans are very smart and inventive when it comes to feeding our addictions. I believe prostitution is illegal also but seems to continue to thrive. Not to be too sarcastic but maybe it's time to try something else. Unless, of course, we're just going through the motions of doing what we know won't work so that people will think something is being done. I'm waiting for the day when the drug problem is addressed on the demand side instead of the supply side. With the money we're spending on the drug wars, we could probably send every addict through treatment about 10 times. The ones who didn't recover could just be locked up and given all the drugs they wanted. It would at least reduce crime! I really don't think this is going to happen in my lifetime. But it does seem to be logical.

Self Restraint

I'm reading something that makes a distinction between emotions and impulses. Good! Impulsive behavior is always a disaster in my experience. I'm usually feeling threatened so just attack when I think I've been attacked. Not good. I have a lifetime of little hurts I still have not resolved - although I'm working on it - and I'm liable to attack when I haven't actually been hurt. Then I have a mess to clean up. Then there's the other problem - when I've actually been attacked and just freeze up instead of doing something about it - which leads to resentment which in turn leads to my attacking when I haven't been attacked, etc. etc. etc. Learning to pause when I feel an impulse - oh! more valuable than gold!

Wounded Spirits

What we all want most is to be loved and accepted. Somehow we get all twisted up and refuse to love and accept until the other person loves and accepts us first. That never, ever works. We seem to think our relationship is unique and everyone else is loved and accepted in their relationships - just not us. The one we're with is just cruel and cold. But underneath that belief is the belief that we don't actually deserve to be loved. Usually we got that idea from the conditional love we got from our parents who never were unconditionally loved themselves. So we pass this mess on to our children and suffer every day from lack of love. The solution lies in the love of God but as long as we're looking to a human for it, we can't get love from God. But the love of God is real and healing and has given me the ability to love people who were not being loveable at the moment. But sustaining this knowledge is a daily struggle. But it's worth whatever I have to do on this planet full of wounded spirits.

Relationships

I'm at the beginning of another class for recovering people based on the second book by Earnie Larson, Stage II Relationships. I'm having all sorts of fun re-reading books I have in my library looking for tidbits that might be helpful to participants. I'm contantly struck by how much is known scientifically and how little is known by most people in this area. For example, "being in love" is scientifically known as a state brought on by biology to get us to mate and it always wears off in a few months. It's pretty much a state of temporary insanity that has nothing to do with love. Sadly, though, people make lifetime commitments based on it. Very scary.

Fun

What a great time I had last weekend. I drove to Dallas to visit my daughter's family. Friday night was a graduation party for my middle grandson's girlfriend. It was a lovely celebration and I was honored to get to attend . Saturday was the flute festival that my granddaughter was involved in. There were hundreds of flute players everywhere and of course they were practicing for their performances all playing different things. I love the sound of flutes anyway but this was like being in heaven. My granddaughter played well - not as well as I've heard her before but she has a new boyfriend and didn't practice as much as usual. And then there was the performance by a group called Project that was just incredible. They are famous for the variations of sounds they make on their instruments - flute, cello, and bass. I love live music. It fills my soul.

Journey

Here it is about two weeks since I've written here. As I've said before I don't write when I feel lousy. I think I should but I don't because I can't think what to say. So, I feel better than I have and am writing.

The experiment with walking on my unhealed leg in order to encourage it to heal led to it caving in - basically. The hardware broke. The xray looks like a 400 lb woman has been walking on this leg. So I'm waiting for word from the surgery scheduler at my doctor's office to call......

I am wondering if there's anything I can change to increase the odds that it will heal this time. I tend to just accept things the way they are because I'm more comfortable that way. Maybe I should work at creating a state of mind that expects the leg to heal instead of working on just accepting it the way it is. Why not?

Magic

It's the one thing I can't explain about 12 Step meetings - the magic. I have a friend that calls it angel dust that falls on us from the angel wings in meetings. I personally think it's probably all the loving energy at such high levels that we are all healed as soon as we walk in the door. A guy I know once said that he thought God came to AA meetings to have a vacation - no one there wants anything - we've already received the miracles and are exuding gratitude. Whatever. Yesterday was the quarterly women's brunch and meeting. I got to have it at my house although it's small, because there wasn't another place available. We had exactly the right number of people for the chairs I had (miracle). I have a refrigerator full of food - enough to feed me this week. I had a deviled egg and spinach salad for breakfast. But most of all my house is full of angel dust or loving energy - whichever.

Acceptance

Another of my old poems:

I liked it when it was simple
I just wanted
to get what I wanted
I usually didn't get it
but it was SO simple

Now I just want
to want what I get
I can ALWAYS get it
but it sure ain't simple to want it