I've been stalling trying to think what I could say about the recent changes in my life that would fit in a paragraph. I still don't know, but the vacant space on my blog is too much. So, here goes: A dear friend for the past three or more years, recently proposed that we take our relationship further. I was so surprised I had to take time to think about it. It really wasn't the best idea for him and I gave him all those reasons, but he said he didn't care. I'd been carefully staying on the back side of the friendship line with him because I had no idea of being in any kind of romantic relationship and because I had no idea he was thinking of any such thing. But as it turns out....
So all is well. Marvelously well, actually. There's more I could say but not now.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Surrender
...I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission - it means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own....(which is) undertaking, one day at a time, the monumental task of setting (my) world in order through a change in (my) own thinking. One Day at a Time in Alanon
Probably I should make a list of the things that I forget over and over and over. The surrender thing is one of them. I am hard wired to never ever ever give up. I had a friend once who called me bulldog because he said I was persistent to the point of insanity. And, of course, it was always about my trying to change something that I didn't have the power to change. All my intelligence, energy and creativity went into trying to change things I couldn't change, which left nothing for changing the things I could.
Then there's the thing about changing my thinking. I thought, "what in the world does my thinking have to do with it?" It took years before I accepted that my thinking was creating my world and that it was actually possible to change my thinking. My goal is to keep my thinking focused on the good I'm trying to create in my world - with the guidance of my Higher Power (a force for good in the universe). My world DOES change with my thinking!
Probably I should make a list of the things that I forget over and over and over. The surrender thing is one of them. I am hard wired to never ever ever give up. I had a friend once who called me bulldog because he said I was persistent to the point of insanity. And, of course, it was always about my trying to change something that I didn't have the power to change. All my intelligence, energy and creativity went into trying to change things I couldn't change, which left nothing for changing the things I could.
Then there's the thing about changing my thinking. I thought, "what in the world does my thinking have to do with it?" It took years before I accepted that my thinking was creating my world and that it was actually possible to change my thinking. My goal is to keep my thinking focused on the good I'm trying to create in my world - with the guidance of my Higher Power (a force for good in the universe). My world DOES change with my thinking!
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Is Cleaning House Actually Important?
I grew up in a household where nothing was put away, nothing was cleaned, dishes were not washed, and there was a coating of black Cocker Spaniel fur on everything. My mother smoked which made everything in the environment sticky - all the better for dog hair to stick to it. When I was seven, my mother decided that it should be my job to clean the house. Unfortunately, I got no instructions on how to do it. I was a pretty precocious kid, but this was beyond me. I washed dishes after a fashion, I tried to dust and run the vacuum. I did a really bad job. I could hardly tell any difference when I finished because of all the "stuff" sitting around. My mother always said that when she saw a clean house, she knew that boring people lived there because they thought about cleaning and spent their time cleaning.
After I left home, I kept house pretty much the same way. There was always a shedding dog and I smoked. As I accumulated kids, the clutter grew. I was married twice during those years - first to a person who didn't care at all and then to someone who liked things neat and clean. Unfortunately, the neat and clean husband wasn't willing to spend very much time neatening and cleaning. He did some but quickly became discouraged. I tried really hard to get the kids to clean, but they were not as afraid of me as I was of my mother, so sometimes they cleaned and sometimes they didn't and the mess grew.
Eventually I made it into recovery. At first my mess didn't bother me. Then I started throwing everything from the rest of the house into my bedroom, which made it almost impossible to walk in there. I married again to a person who liked things neat and clean but who in his heart of hearts really thought it was "women's work." BOTH of us smoked and both of us were messy. Oh dear. Sooner or later, usually later, one of us would get overwhelmed by the mess and start cleaning. Then the other one would feel guilty and clean. So sometimes things were clean and sometimes they weren't. About a year and a half into recovery, both of us stopped smoking - which did cut down on the dog hair sticking to everything.
Then I grew in recovery and woke up to the fact that cleaning house wasn't about some rule somebody made but about serenity and beauty. I began to think enough of myself to want my surroundings to be serene and beautiful. In the year 2000 we had a fire and lost most of our belongings. We didn't replace a lot of stuff so in a way the fire helped us get rid of clutter. Since then my motive for cleaning is to give myself the gift of a lovely place to live. And sure enough I have a lovely place to live and it nurtures me. So I guess the answer to the question of whether cleaning house is actually important is: it depends on the goal. If I'm just trying to follow the rules - probably not. If I want to nurture myself, the answer is, "yes, defnitely."
After I left home, I kept house pretty much the same way. There was always a shedding dog and I smoked. As I accumulated kids, the clutter grew. I was married twice during those years - first to a person who didn't care at all and then to someone who liked things neat and clean. Unfortunately, the neat and clean husband wasn't willing to spend very much time neatening and cleaning. He did some but quickly became discouraged. I tried really hard to get the kids to clean, but they were not as afraid of me as I was of my mother, so sometimes they cleaned and sometimes they didn't and the mess grew.
Eventually I made it into recovery. At first my mess didn't bother me. Then I started throwing everything from the rest of the house into my bedroom, which made it almost impossible to walk in there. I married again to a person who liked things neat and clean but who in his heart of hearts really thought it was "women's work." BOTH of us smoked and both of us were messy. Oh dear. Sooner or later, usually later, one of us would get overwhelmed by the mess and start cleaning. Then the other one would feel guilty and clean. So sometimes things were clean and sometimes they weren't. About a year and a half into recovery, both of us stopped smoking - which did cut down on the dog hair sticking to everything.
Then I grew in recovery and woke up to the fact that cleaning house wasn't about some rule somebody made but about serenity and beauty. I began to think enough of myself to want my surroundings to be serene and beautiful. In the year 2000 we had a fire and lost most of our belongings. We didn't replace a lot of stuff so in a way the fire helped us get rid of clutter. Since then my motive for cleaning is to give myself the gift of a lovely place to live. And sure enough I have a lovely place to live and it nurtures me. So I guess the answer to the question of whether cleaning house is actually important is: it depends on the goal. If I'm just trying to follow the rules - probably not. If I want to nurture myself, the answer is, "yes, defnitely."
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Salt and Pepper
The 70s were a time of great upheaval and a time of great interest in self-improvement and being happier. I read tons of books but wasn't much improved or happier until I had the foundation of recovery to build on. One of the many books I read was A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships. I think the author was Ken Keyes. The main thing I remember from the book was that we should know what we want from other people and we should always ask for it - once. He suggested that we use the voice tone that we would use to ask someone to pass the salt and pepper. Boy is that ever hard. But it's a far more peaceful way than demanding instead of requesting. So, the "salt and pepper" voice is a staple in our family - or at least that's what we strive for.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Dr Dreamy
The trip to the doctor was a pretty good one. Xrays look good but since we don't believe them, I will go for a ct scan and then we'll see how the femur really is. If that looks good, I'll be able to get on the cane. Yay! That would mean I will have one hand free and can carry something. Also, I'm released to use my left leg (from which they took a huge amount of bone to graft the other leg), as much as I want which will give me the ability to take a bath and use that leg to lift me out of the tub. It also means I can do some yoga poses that will really help my back. Yay again!
On the down side - I now have osteopina which means my bones in my legs are losing calcium from non-weight bearing for long periods. The up side is that there's a new drug that helps bone cell growth that might be useful. Down side again - the drug costs $700 a month and requires that I give myself a shot every day. Grrrr. Whatever. I will find a way to do whatever it takes. Still on the downside - I told Dr. Dreamy that I occasionally took a few steps without support since I thought it was safe to experiment. He turned a very bright red and hid his face in his hands. I knew then that I had been very very bad. He was nice about it but said I was not to do that anymore so okay I won't.
Final upside - I asked the hard question which was "what do we do if this never heals?" He said, "It will heal because we will keep grafting it until it does." I will now quit thinking about other alternatives like amputation. I don't want to give up and so I won't since I have his thinking on my side.
On the down side - I now have osteopina which means my bones in my legs are losing calcium from non-weight bearing for long periods. The up side is that there's a new drug that helps bone cell growth that might be useful. Down side again - the drug costs $700 a month and requires that I give myself a shot every day. Grrrr. Whatever. I will find a way to do whatever it takes. Still on the downside - I told Dr. Dreamy that I occasionally took a few steps without support since I thought it was safe to experiment. He turned a very bright red and hid his face in his hands. I knew then that I had been very very bad. He was nice about it but said I was not to do that anymore so okay I won't.
Final upside - I asked the hard question which was "what do we do if this never heals?" He said, "It will heal because we will keep grafting it until it does." I will now quit thinking about other alternatives like amputation. I don't want to give up and so I won't since I have his thinking on my side.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Day of Reckoning
I'm always nervous before the doctor appointments. I love/hate them. I always hope we'll look at the xrays and see a solid bone instead of a hole in my femur. Tomorrow I'm going to have the heart to heart talk about what the hell do we do if the damn thing never heals. I'm not looking forward/am looking forward to it. Grrrrrrrr.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I was lonely because I kept myself separate from people. I saw them as being different from myself, and so I remained the lonely and isolated victim. Strange how similar we are when we begin to share. When we get beneath culture, class and creed, we discover sensitive human beings trying to make sense of their lives. We need each other. ~Fr Leo
I spent most of my life until recovery feeling as if I was just not a worthy person. After hearing other people's stories again and again in recovery, I realized that underneath all our "acts," we are the same. I don't worry much now about what other people think of me.
I spent most of my life until recovery feeling as if I was just not a worthy person. After hearing other people's stories again and again in recovery, I realized that underneath all our "acts," we are the same. I don't worry much now about what other people think of me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Opening Our Hearts in Hell
I read the above phrase in Stephen Levine's book, Unattended Sorrow. I am reminded of it because I'm reading the Alanon book on grief (again). It talks about the propensity it seems most of us have to shut down feelings of grief. Those feelings are way too painful so we just shut down. Of course, that doesn't work. I think I need more work in this area. I spent this last weekend with some members of my high school graduating class and it was quite lovely. It's odd to me how much I enjoy these outings when I was very unhappy in high school. It probably should be another whole topic to explore. However, I noticed how much I missed Ron. He would have enjoyed the weekend so much. He was such a great companion to explore the world with. He was always enthusiastic about new things, and my pleasure was greatly enhanced by sharing with him.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Tough Communication
This time the article I read was in Psychology Today, and it was about communicating with someone who likes to explode when asked to change his/her behavior. Been there - on both sides of this one. My opinion is that exploding and throwing fits is very bad for relationships. I know that seems pretty obvious but apparently this type of communication is fairly common with couples. What I hear - and what I've thought myself - is that "I can't help it." "He/she is going to have to change - stop yelling at me - and then I'll be able to change." Well, that doesn't work either.
So, here's the answer according to the article: When neither of you are mad, sit down and talk about it without exploding. Just say, "I'm not willing to keep on having these horrible episodes. It's hurting both of us. I want us to have some ground rules for talking about problems: Talk reasonably and kindly. Try to find solutions that meet both of our needs. Do you agree?" If he/she does not agree, say: "I'm going to try to talk to you in a kind way, and if you explode I'm going to leave for 10 minutes to give you a chance to calm down, and then I'm going to try again. If you still can't talk reasonably, I will stop talking to you and leave again. You will have left me to solve the problem without your input, and you might not like the solution I come up with." Then the article says that you will need to solve the problem in such a way that he/she cannot do what they've done before. The example was that the husband invited guests without asking her first. When she tried to talk to him about it, he blew up and walked out - which was how he usually reacted when she asked him to change something. So, the writer of the article suggested that if he wouldn't agree to talking out the problem without exploding, she just tell him she would not be there to hostess guests if he invited people without asking her. And then make good on her promise by leaving and spending the day elsewhere if he did it again.
Well, I wonder how that would have worked with the people I used to have screaming fights with. Since I'm not in a relationship like that now, I won't have a chance to practice it. But it would certainly change the dynamics - and that couldn't help but be a good thing.
So, here's the answer according to the article: When neither of you are mad, sit down and talk about it without exploding. Just say, "I'm not willing to keep on having these horrible episodes. It's hurting both of us. I want us to have some ground rules for talking about problems: Talk reasonably and kindly. Try to find solutions that meet both of our needs. Do you agree?" If he/she does not agree, say: "I'm going to try to talk to you in a kind way, and if you explode I'm going to leave for 10 minutes to give you a chance to calm down, and then I'm going to try again. If you still can't talk reasonably, I will stop talking to you and leave again. You will have left me to solve the problem without your input, and you might not like the solution I come up with." Then the article says that you will need to solve the problem in such a way that he/she cannot do what they've done before. The example was that the husband invited guests without asking her first. When she tried to talk to him about it, he blew up and walked out - which was how he usually reacted when she asked him to change something. So, the writer of the article suggested that if he wouldn't agree to talking out the problem without exploding, she just tell him she would not be there to hostess guests if he invited people without asking her. And then make good on her promise by leaving and spending the day elsewhere if he did it again.
Well, I wonder how that would have worked with the people I used to have screaming fights with. Since I'm not in a relationship like that now, I won't have a chance to practice it. But it would certainly change the dynamics - and that couldn't help but be a good thing.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Tricky Business
I hate criticism. It hate to give it. I hate even worse to get it. I want nothing but positive feedback, thank you very much! I actually have people in my life that pretty much give me nothing but positive feedback. When I was supervising people I never did get the evaluation thing down. And I certainly never did get good at asking for what I wanted in my intimate/partnership relationships. I was a doormat until I couldn't stand it any more and then I blew up and attacked. I have noticed that many people (especially men, it seems to me) hear negative criticism when they're asked to do something differently or asked for help. Just the fact that I asked was enough to make sure that he would never, ever do whatever it was. It might have been a control issue or a self-esteem issue or both.
So, imagine my delight in reading about how to give and receive criticism even though I'm not supervising people and am not living in partnership with anyone right now. In the grander scheme of things when I'm looking at priorities, learning to motivate rather than chastise, seems to be a big priority. The latest issue of Real Simple has a good article on how to give and receive "motivation."
First, learn to see feedback/motivation as a good thing - a useful tool. Second, answer these questions: 1) What's working ? 2) What's not working? 3) What can we do together to fix it? Try to give feedback in such a way as to let the person feel appreciated for what's working and optimistic about changes. You could say things like, "I really appreciate...." "It would be great if you could..." "It would mean a lot if you could..."
When you're receiving feedback, ask the questions of the other person so that you're clear about what he/she wants. Listen without disagreeing or arguing. Take notes. Assume the other person has a good point. Maybe you can learn some new skills - maybe it would be fun!
So, imagine my delight in reading about how to give and receive criticism even though I'm not supervising people and am not living in partnership with anyone right now. In the grander scheme of things when I'm looking at priorities, learning to motivate rather than chastise, seems to be a big priority. The latest issue of Real Simple has a good article on how to give and receive "motivation."
First, learn to see feedback/motivation as a good thing - a useful tool. Second, answer these questions: 1) What's working ? 2) What's not working? 3) What can we do together to fix it? Try to give feedback in such a way as to let the person feel appreciated for what's working and optimistic about changes. You could say things like, "I really appreciate...." "It would be great if you could..." "It would mean a lot if you could..."
When you're receiving feedback, ask the questions of the other person so that you're clear about what he/she wants. Listen without disagreeing or arguing. Take notes. Assume the other person has a good point. Maybe you can learn some new skills - maybe it would be fun!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Let me remember
Last weekend was Heart to Heart weekend and it was the 12th year I've gone to it. It's a retreat for 100 women in 12 Step programs.
For the first few years that I went, the effect of the weekend on me was dramatic. I let go of much of the pain I had carried all my life - always feeling as if I was unlovable, mother guilt, grief. Then going to Heart to Heart became about just seeing what would happen. Sometimes something big happened; sometimes not. Whether or not something big happened, I always came back happier and more solid in my relationship with God.
In the last guided meditation we do on Sunday morning, a song is played called "Let me remember - I am one with God." That always stands out for me, and it did again this year. I am always comforted and released from feeling alone.
This year for the first time, I started hearing things to tell someone else - which is always a dangerous thing. I went ahead and shared them anyway. They didn't have quite the effect I had hoped (that's why it's dangerous) but I'm working on clearing that up. I'm making a note: beware of sharing something you heard for someone else!
For the first few years that I went, the effect of the weekend on me was dramatic. I let go of much of the pain I had carried all my life - always feeling as if I was unlovable, mother guilt, grief. Then going to Heart to Heart became about just seeing what would happen. Sometimes something big happened; sometimes not. Whether or not something big happened, I always came back happier and more solid in my relationship with God.
In the last guided meditation we do on Sunday morning, a song is played called "Let me remember - I am one with God." That always stands out for me, and it did again this year. I am always comforted and released from feeling alone.
This year for the first time, I started hearing things to tell someone else - which is always a dangerous thing. I went ahead and shared them anyway. They didn't have quite the effect I had hoped (that's why it's dangerous) but I'm working on clearing that up. I'm making a note: beware of sharing something you heard for someone else!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Having forgiven ourselves and others, and having made amends, we need no punishment. We will work to succeed in all of our activities, with a reasonable expectation of success most of the time. We will expect and deserve the best. ~
This is so BIG! It took so long for me to really believe this. The habit of self-hate kept returning over and over again. But I really do believe this now even though I have to work at believing it.
This is so BIG! It took so long for me to really believe this. The habit of self-hate kept returning over and over again. But I really do believe this now even though I have to work at believing it.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Onward
I'm throwing a whole bunch of stuff at this healing thing - a new massage therapy that I'm doing once a week, some type of yoga and this new physical therapy. I've been laughing out loud at some of the stuff the physical therapist tells me to do. The first couple of times I try, nothing happens at all. I think I'm trying to move muscles that haven't moved since 200 5. So I laugh because nothing happens. Eventually I'm able to move my leg the way I'm instructed but it's very very tough. When I do the laughing thing, the pt tells me to double the number of times I do it. I figured that out - if it seems impossible, do twice as many reps. Luckily I can actually do it. Who knew I would be laughing when my leg won't move when I tell it to. I have no idea what this means. After I finish the workout, I feel dizzy and a little sick at my stomach and have to lie down when I get home. I don't know what that means either. But in a few hours I have no further pain in my hip. That's a very good thing.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Crutches
It's been two or three weeks now since I was released to get around on crutches. Since my back has been painful, I haven't done a lot with them. I revert to the wheelchair when I have to carry something as crutches take both hands. Even with those limitations, my ambulation with the crutches is going pretty well. I don't have to think as much about what I'm doing. My body is celebrating being upright. It feels good!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The well is God's; I bring the buckets.
May I be aware always that God's power and peace are a bottomless well within me. I can draw bucket after bucket from it to refresh and purify my life. All I need to supply are the buckets and the rope. The water is mine - free, fresh, healing and unpolluted. A Day at a Time
Here's where I am on the journey: Most recently I went to the new physical therapist my surgeon sent me to. This visit was strictly for the purpose of evaluation. He tested my strength and flexibility, and since I never want to be thought of as a wimp, I really put everything I had into it. And he was really impressed - that's what he said. Of course, the next day I was miserable with back strain and pain in various other parts of my body which was a great reminder that my ego isn't on my side! Also, this weekend is the third anniversary of the wreck. I'm finding myself really missing Ron. I just wish I could talk to him and hug him. I am grateful for the power and peace of God.
Here's where I am on the journey: Most recently I went to the new physical therapist my surgeon sent me to. This visit was strictly for the purpose of evaluation. He tested my strength and flexibility, and since I never want to be thought of as a wimp, I really put everything I had into it. And he was really impressed - that's what he said. Of course, the next day I was miserable with back strain and pain in various other parts of my body which was a great reminder that my ego isn't on my side! Also, this weekend is the third anniversary of the wreck. I'm finding myself really missing Ron. I just wish I could talk to him and hug him. I am grateful for the power and peace of God.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Saved
"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love." Reinhold Niebuhr
I was loved before I found recovery, but I didn't believe it so it did me no good. When I had told my first sponsor all the worst things about me and she still loved me I had to believe that she loved the real me. Ron said the thing that saved him was that people told him, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." From living close to him for 22 years, I truly believe that somewhere in there he stopped loving himself and letting other people love him. As a result, he stopped caring whether he lived or died and so died before his time. I wonder how many other people die before their time because they don't care about themselves.
I was loved before I found recovery, but I didn't believe it so it did me no good. When I had told my first sponsor all the worst things about me and she still loved me I had to believe that she loved the real me. Ron said the thing that saved him was that people told him, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." From living close to him for 22 years, I truly believe that somewhere in there he stopped loving himself and letting other people love him. As a result, he stopped caring whether he lived or died and so died before his time. I wonder how many other people die before their time because they don't care about themselves.
Friday, August 29, 2008
If You Knew
What if you knew you'd be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips along the life line's crease.
When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn't signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won't say Thank you, I don't remember
they're going to die.
A friend told me she'd been with her aunt.
They'd just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt's powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.
How close does the dragon's spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
- Ellen Bass
This is something I know but forget. I shouldn't. I've experienced five sudden and tragic deaths of dearly loved people in my life. One day they were here; the next minute they weren't. But I still forget. When I was angry with Ron and said something mean to him, I would think, "I'll regret this after he dies. But I don't care." Sure enough, I did regret it.
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips along the life line's crease.
When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn't signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won't say Thank you, I don't remember
they're going to die.
A friend told me she'd been with her aunt.
They'd just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt's powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.
How close does the dragon's spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
- Ellen Bass
This is something I know but forget. I shouldn't. I've experienced five sudden and tragic deaths of dearly loved people in my life. One day they were here; the next minute they weren't. But I still forget. When I was angry with Ron and said something mean to him, I would think, "I'll regret this after he dies. But I don't care." Sure enough, I did regret it.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Forgiveness
"Be slow to take offense if indeed you ever take offense at all. For being offended gains you nothing and can cost you much.
Have patience with the mistakes and follies of others. Instead of harsh criticism, offer genuinely helpful feedback so that everyone benefits.
Forgive early and forgive often. Set yourself free from the heavy burden of resentment, and move quickly beyond the pain."
Ralph Marston
I've had too much time on my hands while I was waiting to recover from surgery and so managed to collect a few resentments. I talked to one of my spiritual advisors and realized that I was just afraid that a couple of precious friends were displeased with me. Instead of feeling that, I got angry that they "insulted" me. In one instance, I decided to ask the person what he meant when he said what he said. That cleared it up and I could let it go. In the other instance, I decided to cut the person some slack. It's the first time in our over 10 year long friendship that she's said anything even vaguely critical so I certainly could let one time go.
I used to hurt myself a lot through the behavior of others. I am so grateful to have been taught that I need not take anything personally. It is my responsibility to keep my side of the street clean. Once I've done that, I can feel free to forgive. Of course, it's only necessary to forgive if I've taken offense; so a better way is to simply not take offense in the first place!
Have patience with the mistakes and follies of others. Instead of harsh criticism, offer genuinely helpful feedback so that everyone benefits.
Forgive early and forgive often. Set yourself free from the heavy burden of resentment, and move quickly beyond the pain."
Ralph Marston
I've had too much time on my hands while I was waiting to recover from surgery and so managed to collect a few resentments. I talked to one of my spiritual advisors and realized that I was just afraid that a couple of precious friends were displeased with me. Instead of feeling that, I got angry that they "insulted" me. In one instance, I decided to ask the person what he meant when he said what he said. That cleared it up and I could let it go. In the other instance, I decided to cut the person some slack. It's the first time in our over 10 year long friendship that she's said anything even vaguely critical so I certainly could let one time go.
I used to hurt myself a lot through the behavior of others. I am so grateful to have been taught that I need not take anything personally. It is my responsibility to keep my side of the street clean. Once I've done that, I can feel free to forgive. Of course, it's only necessary to forgive if I've taken offense; so a better way is to simply not take offense in the first place!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Eyebrow lowering experiences
In the dream I'm a man who is preparing for a job interview. In an effort to look calm and relaxed, I am trimming my eyebrows so that they look lower on my face - which somehow I think will make me look calm and relaxed. I dreamed this about a year ago and my daughter found it very funny. We can get a good laugh just by talking about whether something is an "eyebrow lowering" experience or not. It's no wonder I dreamed about my eyebrows. I've worried about them my whole life. They just don't look right, and I never have known what to do about it. I had an anesthician shape them but it didn't help. Finally, I went to Ulta to get something to fix my eyebrows. My daughter insisted that I get help from the staff. So, I went home with a rather expensive "eyebrow kit" with brushes, pencils, wax and stencils. Get that? Stencils! You have a choice of several different types of eyebrows. You put the one you choose over your eyebrow and color it in in that shape. Then you get rid of any eyebrow that doesn't fit in the stencil. Voila! I have correctly shaped eyebrows and have solved a life-long problem.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"The moment a thing seems wrong to you or a person's actions to be not what you think they should be, at that moment begins your obligation and responsibility to pray for those wrongs to be righted or that person to be changed. What is wrong in your surroundings or in the people you know? Think about these things and make these matters your responsibility. Not to interfere or be a busybody, but to pray that a change may come through your influence. You may see lives altered and evils vanish. Twenty -Four Hours a Day
Well, what a lovely way to say, "mind your own business." If you believe in the power of prayer like I do - if only to believe that prayer changes the person who is praying - this could be pretty powerful. I hear people say, (and I've said this myself) "I know I'm powerless and there's nothing I can do about this." But the truth is I can pray.
Well, what a lovely way to say, "mind your own business." If you believe in the power of prayer like I do - if only to believe that prayer changes the person who is praying - this could be pretty powerful. I hear people say, (and I've said this myself) "I know I'm powerless and there's nothing I can do about this." But the truth is I can pray.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)