THE SIX FOOT LONG PURPLE TAIL

Someone told me that a way to recognize one's character defects was to listen carefully to what people tell you about yourself. If one person tells you that you have a six foot long purple tail, don't pay any attention. That's obviously crazy. But if a second person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should probably look. But if a third person tells you you have a six foot long purple tail, you should just go ahead and make an appointment with a surgeon to have it removed.

From following this advice, I've learned a lot about myself that I didn't know. I usually have no idea I have certain traits until someone tells me. One of the beautiful things about being in recovery is that my fellow travelers will almost always tell me what they see if I ask. I hate asking. But it's been valuable.

We have a new president. It gave me joy to see the joyful, hopeful faces of the millions who came to bear witness. My hope is that unlike Christmas, we will continue to be hopeful and helpful all through the next four years.

I stole this image from another recovering blogger's site. It's what I get from meetings. I'm always incredibly grateful when I leave a meeting. I've been reminded of who and what I am. I have received the miracle of a second chance at life.

I've been asked to share my story at my home group's open meeting tonight. Another great way to assess where I am in my journey even though I really don't like speaking that much. However, even though I don't like it, I always need to hear what I have to say.

Serenity Experiments update

Missed Monday. Was just not able to get myself to head for the meeting I'd chosen. I was very tired so rested instead. Tuesday I got to give a wonderful friend his 8 year chip. What an honor. Wednesday I attended a meeting I'd never been to before and saw a friend from 25 years ago that I hadn't seen in years. Today I went to a noon meeting and saw some more people I hadn't seen before. All three meetings reminded me that serenity comes from surrender.

Serenity experiment update: Meeting at noon yesterday was about the effects of an environment where addictions rule. Reminded me again of the importance and urgency of being aware of my hard wiring lest it get me into trouble in my current life. Meeting today: learning to recognize when I'm being affected by my past hardwiring so that I can change! Good stuff.

Serenity Experiments

When I first came into a 12 step program, I had a sponsor that suggested I treat using the tools of the program as experiments - in other words, try something for awhile and see what effect it had. The first suggestion she made was that I go to a meeting every day for two weeks and see what happened. Well, I didn't do a very good job of following that suggestion because I was too flaky to be consistent. But I managed at least part of a meeting six days out of seven and went to two on Saturday. Lo and behold! I felt SO much better. My flakiness diminished and my emotional pain was drastically reduced. That made a believer out of me. From then on, I tried out every suggestion at least for awhile. Some of them worked better than others but I learned how to use the tools of the program in my own life.

Right now I'm at another transition point in my life. I don't like transition points. They require decisions. They require change. I'm feeling unsettled and flaky. I'm in a certain amount of emotional pain. BUT it's time. My leg is almost healed. I'm almost finished with the projects I'm doing for my old employer. It occurs to me that serenity is the state of mind I most need when I'm at a transition point. Oh yes, I sarcastically say to myself, it is probable that the tools of the program could work again in this situation.

So, my first experimental tool will be a meeting every day from now until the end of the month.

Happiness

"If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good." Maya Angelou

It's been my experience that this is totally true. Even if I have to shove myself out of a screaming black depression to contribute something in the world, it's always a way to happiness - even if just for a moment!

Sublime 2009

Rebecca and Kristin at Hideway Pizza after The Nutcracker. Here here's me, Rebecca and her boyfriend at The Nutcracker. Then here are my two precious daughters at Hideaway's Pizza. Here's me cracking up over pizza after seeing The Nutcracker. My oldest granddaughter's boyfriend made me laugh like crazy!

Say goodbye to the crutch. According to my xray, the femur in my leg that's been broken for 3 1/2 years appears to be very nearly healed. I've switched to the cane and plan to be walking without support as soon as the muscles in my leg are strong enough. Another transition time. Another time for gratitude!

Lessons Learned

"...It's not our disagreements that wound; it's our criticism, attack, and blame that wound...So it is that when we disagree with someone, our prayer should not be that their eyes be opened to our point of view, but that our eyes be opened to theirs." Everyday Grace. Marianne Williamson.

This would require a lot more humility than I have at this point in my growth. But it seems to me that this is what's up for me right now. Not only to understand, but to let the other person know that I understand. This last experiment in love ended with disagreements galore and hurt feelings on the other person's part. My part was my confidence that I was right. I realize that I'm almost always sure I'm right. Not good. I miss out on new information that way. So, the gift I take away from the experiment, is the gift of awareness that I need more humility. It isn't necessary for me to be right.

Don't tarry too long to mourn...;celebrate and rejoice in the new. The past is over. Wipe the dirt off your feet. Marianne Williamson. A Woman's Worth

It's always hard for me to know how much grief is enough or to trust my feelings. I tend toward sinking into compulsive self-examination and then despair. I don't think I need to do that now. I think I will celebrate and rejoice in the now instead.

We are always responsible for our own sobriety. Beyond that, we're also responsible for maintaining good attitudes and making sure that our own anger and pride do not make any situation worse than it already is. ~Walk in Dry Places

A wounded heart is always a good excuse for me to get angry and prideful and try to make myself the victim. That always - in the past - has made things a lot worse. It doesn't reduce my pain - just distracts me momentarily. Far better to feel the pain and then distract myself with other activities and thoughts. I need help from my higher power and other people to stay in sanity. I am so grateful for friends and family that are willing to be my support.

short time love

Grrr. New love; good-bye love. No regrets. It was worth the risk AND all the things I feared did happen. So now I am sad and feel a lot like I just fell out of a third story window and hit the ground hard. It was still worth the risk. Having a chance to love is always worth the risk.

Today I will accept whre I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings. The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie

Justification

"Heaven protect me from my good friends who with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, and justify my complaints." One Day at a Time in Alanon

I love that the friends I have now don't cut me any slack! I've had an upper respiratory infection for a few days and was sick enough to go to bed a few times. But no one gave me any pity. They didn't give me any pity for the resentments I was about to nourish, either. (When I'm sick, I get picky about other people's behavior.) I remember when my favorite activity was to get on the phone and complain for hours to my friends while they gave me agreement and pity - and I got sicker and sicker. Self-pity and complaining just kept me unhappy. I wanted to be "right" so that I could feel better about myself. Ego again - the source of all misery for me. I don't know who is right or wrong. I just want to live from the heart because that makes me happy and peaceful.

Seeing Myself

I love being in recovery. Being in recovery and loving someone are pretty much chained together with big thick links for me. I am feeling vulnerable. It's pretty scary trying to love someone who sees my faults and shortcomings. Hmmm. What will happen? I work on my shortcomings but they are still there. When they bother someone I love, I want to change really bad. I would much rather be seen as the perfect person I wish I was. I know that I have to have help to change though and wanting to be perfect isn't a good reason. Besides, I'm not actually in control here. If I were I would already be perfect. So, I get to see myself through someone else's eyes and tolerate the vulnerable feelings that come with love and not being perfect. Of course, he isn't perfect either. That helps - a lot.

Season of Love

I like the idea of mistletoe being a symbol of the Christmas season. It might be a little out of fashion, but maybe it should come back into fashion. I have experienced so many losses in my life that everything is filtered through that knowledge. If we only have the present moment and no guarantees of anything more, and since this is the season of love, mistletoe hung everywhere for a reminder to kiss and hug each other while we still can....

Hope

Autumn can be a sad time or a hopeful time for me. Something about cooling weather and falling leaves used to bring on sadness. Now - especially now - I am hopeful. I'm sure it has a lot to do with new love and a new, very different president. I hope for much this next year - hope for opportunities to make a difference in the world, hope for opportunities to contribute to a special person's life, hope for more love shared with family and friends, and hope for my continued recovery. It occurs to me that my hope often comes from gratitude for gifts I've been given. And that would be true again this year.

Gratitude

Who knew gratitude would be such a source of power? For most of my life holidays made me feel sad because I knew they would be terrible. Actually, they weren't always terrible but I felt that I wasn't living up to what I was supposed to do or be at the holidays. Early in recovery I was taught that what I put into being happy and grateful for what I did do or be would be enough. And sure enough it was. That was the foundation for doing and being more and more of what I wanted to do and be. So, now I am grateful for the holidays - however they turn out - because it's another opportunity for fun, family, friends and love.

Anti-depressant

I'm trying to remember when I last remembered to take my anti-depressant. It may have been two or three days. Usually when I miss even one, I suddenly feel as if I weigh enough to sink into the earth. I now feel just fine. I'm going to keep taking these things because it's not a good idea to just stop. I'm just very interested in the fact that being given the gift of loving someone has raised my spirits so much that I'm depression free. An extra gift, that is.

Changes

I've been stalling trying to think what I could say about the recent changes in my life that would fit in a paragraph. I still don't know, but the vacant space on my blog is too much. So, here goes: A dear friend for the past three or more years, recently proposed that we take our relationship further. I was so surprised I had to take time to think about it. It really wasn't the best idea for him and I gave him all those reasons, but he said he didn't care. I'd been carefully staying on the back side of the friendship line with him because I had no idea of being in any kind of romantic relationship and because I had no idea he was thinking of any such thing. But as it turns out....

So all is well. Marvelously well, actually. There's more I could say but not now.

Surrender

...I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission - it means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own....(which is) undertaking, one day at a time, the monumental task of setting (my) world in order through a change in (my) own thinking. One Day at a Time in Alanon

Probably I should make a list of the things that I forget over and over and over. The surrender thing is one of them. I am hard wired to never ever ever give up. I had a friend once who called me bulldog because he said I was persistent to the point of insanity. And, of course, it was always about my trying to change something that I didn't have the power to change. All my intelligence, energy and creativity went into trying to change things I couldn't change, which left nothing for changing the things I could.

Then there's the thing about changing my thinking. I thought, "what in the world does my thinking have to do with it?" It took years before I accepted that my thinking was creating my world and that it was actually possible to change my thinking. My goal is to keep my thinking focused on the good I'm trying to create in my world - with the guidance of my Higher Power (a force for good in the universe). My world DOES change with my thinking!