I saw a re-run of an Oprah show awhile back that had several metaphysical gurus on. One of the things they talked about was that if you were looking for a romantic partner, you should just make a list of the characteristics you wanted in that person, then put the list away and wait. Theoretically the person will eventually show up. So, I thought I would make a list even though I'm not looking for a romantic partner. Well, here's where I am in my grieving process - I decided I wanted Ron - just without the health problems that interfered in our closeness and without the crisis addiction and money problems. There would still be enough negatives to make the person quite human and plenty irritating. I really self-examined if that was really how I felt and it was. This is interesting. I just don't visualize anyone else when I think of romance.

Seven Questions

A very long time ago, I found seven questions to be used every day, but especially in times of emotional disturbance and confusion. They were helpful to me, so I passed them on to other people. As I often do, I kind of forget about them, and then someone I passed them on to will thank me. Then, of course, I have to find them and use them again.

In this past three years I've felt a lot like a small child looking for guidance since nothing in my world now resembles the person I was and the life I led before the wreck. I just re-found the 7 questions today and will use them to guide me again.

1. Today I feel...
2. What I most want right now is...
3. What I need right now is...
4. What I'm most afraid of is...
5. I am grateful for...
6. What is the truth of my experience right now?
7. If I could reclaim my life, I would...

I'm grateful for all the loving people in my life. I'm grateful for my seemingly inborn adaptability. I'm not going to be reclaiming the life I had. It's my job to create a new one. That is very difficult when I'm always waiting... waiting for a surgery, waiting to heal from a surgery... waiting to be told by the doctor whether I can drive, walk, etc. But it's going to have to be possible to create a life in the midst of waiting because I get way too squirreley when I have to sit and wait for life to begin. So, I pretend I'm not waiting and just forge ahead. When I have to stop, I do the best I can to put everything on hold for just as long as necessary and not a minute longer. I try not to start things that require my actual presence unless there's a way to put them on hold. So far, this approach is working fairly well but I still feel squirreley - like I don't have an actual life. So, 7 questions will be answered every day. I'm grateful to whoever gave me these questions.

fires and floods

Where should I send this idea? Why doesn't some entrepreneur or do gooder catch the rain that's falling in a potential flood zone and transport it to California to put out fires. Maybe there's no money in it but I'll bet land owners in both areas would kick in some serious money. I think about this every time fire and flood season starts.

Love

"While we are born with a perfect capacity to love, each of us is tempted by the realities of life to withhold our love and defend against pain. Compassion, defenselessness, and unconditional love are much easier to express before we become aware of how dangerous life and love can be. Only very small children - and saints - are really very good at it. Yet our alternative... is to slide down the slippery slope to hell. Marianne Williamson. Everyday Grace.

My defense against all the dangers of life and love is my connection with God, and God gives me the realization that if those I love don't treat me well it's because they are not loving themselves at the time and so can't love anyone else. I don't have to take it personally. Easier said than done! But still true. I'm noticing that I'm seeing a lot of lack of self love in other people and myself. So, I'm working on cutting myself some slack. I'm not doing a lot of the things I want to do with the level of perfection I think I should. I'm still getting up in the morning and doing what I can, though. For now that's good enough!

What if ...we knew everything was okay and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then? We'd be free to let go and enjoy life! The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie.

Friday's trip to the doctor was basically good but the progress in healing was not actually clear. So I'm released to do a little more but not a lot. I was hoping for more.

I know that not worrying and that everything is really okay is true. However, it does not mean that I will always get everything I want. There's a tee shirt in one of the catalogs I get that says, "Manure Occureth." That is also true. The thing is I really don't have to worry about manure occuring. I get the courage, patience and ability to handle that too. So I will work on being free and enjoying life today!

Priorities

Paraphrased and summarized from "Courage to Change" - "Here's what's really important and what my to-do list should look like - Make better contact with my Higher Power. Take time to enjoy the present moment. Becoming the person I want to be. Give thanks for blessings. Be a channel for love."

I'm a big list maker. I carry list making to great heights - color coded, illustrated, etc. Of course, that's a big time waster but we won't talk about that. Nevertheless, I do get things completed that I would otherwise forget about. Sometimes things stay on my list for years and years and then I finally do them. Lists are good. But the really important priorities get sandwiched in between grocery shopping and renewing my driver's license. I think I'll put those priorities first on the list!

Friend Cisco in the afternoon sun. Sometimes when I was in the hospital, friends would have trouble finding a place to park so they went to my house to visit Cisco instead. I totally understand. He has way softer fur and is more loving than me. I have better breath, though.

Change

I'm probably the poster child for how hard it is to change. Everything in me resists as soon as I decide I need to change something. It could be something as simple as what time I go to bed and as soon as I decide I start resisting myself. I am crazy. I especially resist anything that would be good for me. It seems like way too much trouble and the exact wrong thing to do. So I decide that I won't do it - today anyway. Maybe tomorrow. When I look back at my life, though, I see that an amazing amount of things have changed. Grace of God!

The Dwarves of Grief

I just read in the latest Oprah magazine an article about a couple who lost their first child at birth - stillborn. The baby came early while they were still in France on vacation. Neither of them spoke French very well, so when the nurse asked the husband if they would like to speak to a nun, he thought she said would he like to speak to a dwarf. His wife asked him later why he said "yes" and he said that he thought maybe they had a dwarf/clown on staff that tried to cheer people up who were grieving. Of course, a nun came instead of a dwarf and the couple did not laugh about this until much, much later when their grief had subsided somewhat.

Grief is so unbelievably painful. No one can really believe it the first time they experience it. It's common to think you're going crazy or that you're going to die. But, no, it's just grief - more painful than childbirth, more painful than anything I can think of. My grandson's girlfriend's sister's husband was killed in a terrible wreck on Friday. He was only 25. They have a 5 month old baby. My grandson and his girlfriend's family are in that tortured phase of grief when they can't talk so they can be understood. When I talked to them on the phone, I mostly just said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't understand what you said." What I had to offer was my experience, strength and hope - you are not going crazy and you're not going to die. All of you will get through this even though it seems impossible right now. It will get better. The love you have for each other will help.

"Love and fear cannot dwell together. By their very natures, they cannot exist side by side. Fear is a very strong force...But a strong love, a love of God that trusts in God, is sure eventually to conquer fear." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Sometimes when I step back from my situation and look at it from the long view, it's pretty scary. I was looking in the mirror to see how one of my new shirts looked with the pants I had on, and I was struck again with how weird my body looks to me now. My upper body is much bigger proportionately than it used to be - of course, that's because my arms and upper body muscles have been moving me around for almost three years. My legs and butt are smaller from lack of use. But the muscles at the very top of my butt are bigger. My shape is absolutely nothing like I'm used to looking at. Very strange and a little scary. I've turned into another person! Luckily I still have the sense on a daily basis that I am still the same beloved child of God.

Making Connections

A very long time ago I was having an absolutely miserable time in my life - no reason except that I constantly told myself that I was a failure. (I took over for my mother who told me that a lot when I was a kid.) It's too long a story to tell and it's kind of boring - but at one point I was able to make connection with the present moment and went from misery to joy. Boy is it ever hard to stay in the moment but that's where the joy is. I couldn't be a failure in the moment. Failure is in the past. Yay for the present moment!

Broken Hearts

"God would draw us all closer to Him in the bonds of the spirit. He would have all people drawn closer to each other in the bonds of the spirit. God, the great Spirit of the universe, of which each of our own spirits is a small part, must want unity between Himself and all His children. Unity of the spirit in the bond of peace. Each experience of our life, of joy, of sorrow, of danger, of safety, of difficulty, of success, of hardship, of ease, each should be accepted as part of our common lot, in the bonds of the spirit." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

Maybe all of us are broken hearted from childhood on. Or at least most of us. We are hungry tigers for love; love we didn't get enough of from childhood. We want to be loved for ourselves; as we are. Even when we're obnoxious and stepping on the toes of the people we want to love us. What in the world is the solution? I guess (ha!) it must be to go to God for that kind of love and then try to be a channel for others. Hmmm. Tall order. "What an order! I can't go through with it!" But what else have I got to do before I die?

Sunshine of the Spirit

" Sunshine is the laughter of nature. Live out in the sunshine. The sun and air are good medicine. Nature is a good nurse for tired bodies. Let her have her way with you. God's grace is like the sunshine. Let your whole being be enwrapped in the Divine spirit. The Divine spirit heals and cures the mind. Let it have its way and all will be well." Twenty-Four Hours a Day

It's July in Oklahoma so I'm not sure I would get much from living in the sunshine right now except a sunburn and a lot of sweat. But I surely do need to live in the Divine Spirit. For whatever reason I am sad and tired right now and my mind wants to run to the negative. There really is no discernible reason! I will consult the Divine Spirit for what activities for this day and ask that my mind be cured.

Sad

Another sad day. Why? Don't know. Maybe I'll become aware in a few days; maybe not. It just is. It might be inactivity. I was tired today because of activity yesterday and fell asleep in the afternoon after sleeping late. Whatever. But it's a holiday for freedom and I'm glad for that.

"You should not doubt that better things are ahead for you. Go forward unafraid because you feel deeply safe under God's protection. Twenty-Four Hours A Day.

Freedom

I pray that I may lose my limitations in the immensity of God's love. Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I woke up at 6:15 this morning after a solid night's sleep beginning around 9:00 p.m. last night. Boy did that feel good. I had a long day yesterday and was very tired. Sometimes that means I will sleep well. Sometimes it doesn't. Last night it did. It's a big deal to wake up before 10:00 in the morning since I often sleep 10 to 12 hours a night (with a couple of wake ups). So, I think this means I'm doing a little better with healing from surgery. Yay! That in turn means that I can do more during the day - besides watch Law and Order re-runs that is. I certainly am limited and certainly I need God's love to accept my limitations without fear.

Never Alone Again

When I first came into recovery, they told me I would never have to be alone again. That was hugely comforting to me because one of my greatest fears was that I was so unlovable that I would always be alone. I felt alone when I was with people. I felt alone when I was with people who said they loved me (I didn't believe them, really). And I could barely stand to be actually alone. I thought they meant that I would always have the people of the program but they meant I would always have God. Now - in my current state - I spend a lot of time alone. I can feel my old self lurking just out of the corner of my eye but that's as much as I can see. For the most part I can feel my greatest friend and parent present and I am not alone.

"What is sometimes called holiness is often only the invitation of God to be our Friend. As God becomes your friend, you become a friend to others. We experience true human friendship and from this experience we can imagine what kind of a Great Friend God can be. We believe Him to be a tireless, selfless, all conquering, miracle-working Friend. We can reach out to the Great Friend and figuratively take His hand in ours. I pray that I may think of God as a Great Friend in need." Twenty-Four Hours a Day