You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

This is about getting to be enough - so I'll do this one more and then quit for now and come back to it later. You Don't Love Me and You Never Did is enough for an entire blog for several years!



Now this is so lofty that I hate to even write it down, but it's what has been taught to me in 12 step programs for the past 24 years: The only solution to this dilemma is unconditional love. And, of course, unconditional love would mean perfection which none of us is capable of. But, with the help of God it's possible to move in that direction at least. What I know for sure from my experience is that when I'm focused on loving unconditionally, I forget about the "you don't love me and you never did" dilemma. For some mysterious, incredibly lofty reason, trying to love takes care of my need for love. My best guess is that my effort opens the channel between me and God and God's love fills my need.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

On the other hand.... if they really are doing something that proves they couldn't possibly love you - what then? How do you know for sure? You could ask somebody but they will just be guessing. Aren't there some universal rules?


Everybody has rules about love. And everybody thinks his/her rules are the same as everybody else's and are absolutely right. So, if you break their rules or they break yours, then it means you don't love them or they don't love you, right? But what if their rules are totally different from yours? Well, then I guess we must straighten them out about what the right rules are! And the best way to do that is to yell and have a fit. Wait. Maybe that's not right.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

Maybe instead of jumping to the conclusion that they don't love us and they never did, we could just ask for what we want and mention that if they would do it (or not do it), it would make us feel loved. Who knows - they might just do it. The trouble is - at least for me - that I react so emotionally (to an extreme), that simply asking would require a whole lot of self restraint. When suddenly completely sure that the person I love and who I thought loved me, does something that I think proves he doesn't love me, it's pretty hard to be calm and make a request. It feels like I'm dying and must defend myself from death!

Reasoning with me doesn't usually help much although Ron used to sidle up to me and say, "Hey, remember me? I'm Ron. And I'm on your side." Sometimes that helped. But my insane mind sometimes told me he was just trying to pull the wool over my eyes because he didn't want me to know he didn't love me anymore.

You Don't Love Me and You Never Did

A long time ago when my dear friend, Brad, was still alive, I called him and he answered the phone in a terribly grumpy voice. I said that I didn't do anything so why was he mad at me? He said he was sorry - that he had been arguing with his mother. I asked what they were arguing about. "It started with the temperature to set the air conditioner on and ended with you don't love me and you never did," he explained. I've never forgotten that because it summed up every argument I ever had with someone I loved. It might sum up every argument anyone ever has with someone they love.

If you really loved me, you would set the air conditioner on the temperature I want.
If you really loved me, you would be on time.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I'm late.
If you really loved me, you would hug me when I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would not bug me to hug you.
If you really loved me, you would wear what I want you to.
If you really loved me, you would lose weight.
If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks.
If you really loved me, YOU would pick up MY socks.
If you really loved me, you would spend less money.
If you really loved me, you would spend more money (on me).
If you really loved me, you would have sex when I want to.
If you really loved me, you wouldn't talk to people of the opposite sex like that.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I don't want to have sex.
If you really loved me, you would put me before the kids.
If you really loved me, you would understand when I have to put the kids first.
If you really loved me, you would stop drinking, gambling, whatever.
If you really loved me, you would understand why I don't stop whatever and you would get off my back.

Flowers

When I was a kid one of the things I loved was my mother's habit of growing old-fashioned flowers in the summer. We had whole gardens of zinnias, marigolds (large and dwarf), salvia, petunias, snap dragons and others that I can't remember names for. Every few days she picked a huge bunch and arranged them in a turquoise glass bowl which sat on the dining room table. I thought we were very sophisticated for having those flowers on the table at dinner. I sometimes grew my own garden of flowers and picked some of them for the table.

When I stopped smoking more than 20 years ago, I was smoking about 5 packs a day, which cost around $150 a month. It would be a whole lot more now. I promised myself that I would never lack for expensive perfume or fresh flowers as long as I lived. If I could somehow find the money for cigarettes as broke as I was at the time, I could surely always find the money for things that smelled a whole lot better. I've kept the promise to have perfume I wanted, but only partially kept the fresh flowers promise. Sometimes I had them; sometimes I didn't. Usually I just bought something at the grocery store.

However, recently it occured to me that I could take a vase to my favorite florist (a little vase) and ask them to do an arrangement and pick it up later. Somehow having flowers all the time nourishes my soul. So I tried it and I love it as much as I thought I would. They always ask me what kind of flowers I want and how I want them arranged. I always tell them they're the ones with the talent, so they should use their best judgment. I get the most amazing bouquets for not very much money - around $25 a week which is a while lot less than I was spending on cigarettes 20 plus years ago!

Right now I have two amazing bouquets - one I got for $5.00 at the farmer's market. It's a huge bunch of zinnias (red ones mostly) and marigolds. The other one came from the florist. It's sunflowers, poppies (orange and purple), and various other ones that I'm unacquainted with - mostly maroon, plus of course, various other things that look like wild flowers. My soul is definitely nourished this week.

Outlook

My outlook seems to be sliding right smack into the negative. Most of what I've written lately seems to either be rants about stuff I see on CNN or complaints about grief and/or pain. The inside of my head seems to be deteriorating into sludge. Time for a change.

In actual fact (what a weird phrase), my life is good. I eat well, I sleep sort of well - at least better than I did when I was sleeping in the hospital bed. I have loads of fabulous friends. I have fun on a regular basis. I do miss my two guy friends that have moved away. But I still hear from them (thank you email) and get to see them from time to time. I have a great job even though I've had to go to part time due to my slowness to recover from the last surgery. I have enough money to get my hair done, my toes done and a massage every month. Two small closets are full of clothes that I think are fabulous (thank you Chico's for solving my dressing disorder). I have conscious contact with a higher power that comforts and directs me - the directions are always pretty much the same - take good care of yourself and work on loving the people in my life unconditionally. I have four great kids, four great grandkids. It's really hard to describe how great they are. I enjoy my relationship with each of them and they are so different. And, of course, there's Cisco the cat. He's a lover cat - talks to me, kisses me, cuddles me and teases me.

I love gratitude lists. This one isn't finished but it's enough for now.

Being a Woman

Guess what! I read an article in Psychology Today that cites recent research regarding why men judge women on the basis of their looks (plus what we need to look like to attract them). It was oddly comforting to know I'm not crazy when I've observed this stuff time and time again.

So, the article said that -in general - meaning not all men all the time but on the average - men are attracted to women with small waists, big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Now this obviously does not apply to gay people or people of color. Some of it could be extrapolated I guess but.... Anyway, according to the article, men are programmed by their biology to look for women who are healthy/fertile - which would also mean young. Women around menopause start collecting fat around their waists so a small waist means young/fertile. Big boobs sag more with age than little ones so it's easier to spot youth in women with big ones. Sick people's hair doesn't grow long - I can testify to this - my hair and nails didn't grow for months after the wreck. So, long hair - and the longer it is the better - means the healthier (thus more fertile) the woman is. Blonde hair usually darkens with age; therefore, the more blonde the hair, the younger (thus more fertile) the woman is. When a woman is attracted to someone, her pupils dilate and it's easier to see this in blue eyed women. Personality, brains - none of that counts at all with fertility.

According to the article, men are completely unconscious of their programming but the statistics bear out the over all pattern. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it), women who have boob jobs, liposuction, dye their hair blond and get hair extensions and wear blue contacts will attract more men even though it's all artificial. The guys aren't programmed to tell the difference between the real and artificial. I still think it's sad. The poor babies are chasing women who may or may not be suitable for long term companions/partners and those of us who don't fit the template get the leftovers.

The article also extrapolated the data to a whole lot of other things - like good looking people tend to have more girls, religions that tolerate polygamy tend to have more violent men, etc. But I was just interested in knowing why men seemed to be so ignorant when they chased women. Now I know. They can't help it, the poor babies. But being old, with a large waist, little boobs and dark hair - I am now officially out of luck!