Loneliness

I finally have to admit that I'm experiencing loneliness. For the first year and a half after Ron's death, I didn't really have that feeling. I missed him. There was a huge hole in my life and my heart. But I wasn't lonely. At first I thought it was because there were so many people around after the accident that I didn't have a chance to be lonely. But that wasn't it. After I began to spend a lot of time alone, I still wasn't lonely. I was surprised. But then at about a year and a half I began to feel really lonely. I poked around inside myself to see if I could discover why. What had shifted was the feeling that Ron was going to show up just any time. I knew from previous losses that that feeling was the usual way my psyche reacts. There's just part of me that's not ready to give up on some sort of miracle. As time passes, so does that feeling. Once my whole being accepted that Ron was gone, I finally felt truly alone and without a loving partner: lonely. Well, that's probably how I'm supposed to feel for now.

Faces and Beauty

I'm not sure why I've developed an interest in this. It seems frivolous on the one hand and important on the other. Why are some people considered beautiful and some aren't? Frivolous, of course, since there are a lot of other much more important things to be interested in. Important since scientific studies show that good looking people - especially REALLY good looking people are treated far better by others that even nice looking people. But what is good looking or beauty anyway. What makes Brad Pitt a heart stopper as well as Russell Crowe. Weird. Julia Roberts is beautiful but her nose is all wrong. Just about the time I started staring at faces trying to figure it out, I saw a program on tv that said a plastic surgeon had figured it out. The eyebrows have to be a certain distance from the eyes, the eyes have to be a certain distance apart, etc. etc. etc. But the thing is all three of the Playboy girls have identical bodies and features but one of them seems to me to be more beautiful than the others. What's that about?