Re-re-re-organizing

Re-organizing is the story of my life. My priorities shift constantly. Of course, the wreck really re-organized my life. Grief takes massive amounts of energy. My whole psyche had to learn to live without Ron who was the center of my life for twenty-two years. It was the most amazing thing to just observe how much work went into that that was pretty much out of my control. I guess we are hardwired to grieve losses and there's little we can really do to change it. It's possible to schedule some of the uncontrollable weeping for more convenient times than at work or at the grocery store, but that's about it. Then, of course, there was the physical healing process that was daily work. Five surgeries in a year and a half took a toll on this over 60 body when added to the trauma of being hit by a car. It wasn't unusual for me to sleep 14 to 16 hours out of every 24. Some folks tried to tell me that I was depressed, but believe me I know the difference between completely pooped and bummed, and I was pooped.

Little by little I've gotten better. Not just because almost five years have passed, although that's part of it. I've also done just about everything I could think of or that anybody could suggest to facilitate my healing: Hawaiian massage, cranial-sacral body work (2 kinds), counseling, nutrition, voice-mapping, NUCCA chiropractic, physical therapy. It seems to me that the voice-mapping, nutrition, physical therapy, and cranial-sacral body work have been the most help.

I am far from normal now, but it's hard to tell what I would have been like at 69 without the wreck. Maybe I would be as easily tired as I am now. Maybe I would have the same quirks - like I can't eat highly spiced food anymore. Who knows. But here I am - probably as well as I'm going to be. That doesn't mean I will stop doing the things that help me, but I'm shifting my focus. Up til now healing has been top priority - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Everything else had to take second place. Of course, I spend time with family and friends because I love them and because they sustain me, but besides that - it was kind of - "I'll do what I can and that will have to be enough." Household chores certainly fell into that category. Sometimes the chores didn't get done and things were in a wreck. I paid bills late, ate McDonalds three meals a day, etc. Finally my job fell into that category and I quit after cutting back three or four times.

I've spent the last few months inventorying my spiritual and emotional self (per the 12 Steps) and I'm almost done with that process. Through that process I realized I needed to do some clearing of the house and I'm almost finished with that. So, now I'm re-organizing my priorities to get even more serious about the writing I've wanted to do my whole life. I've done a lot of it in the past few months, but I need a lot more time to progress more quickly. I'm feeling pretty unsettled in this process. I've been through so many changes that I would rather dig a rut and veg out in it. But my decision is to move forward. At 69, it's not good to postpone the desire of my life!!!! But in redesigning my days, I will have to take into consideration that the time to write will have to come out of something else and it can't be the time to rest; feed myself physically, spiritually, emotionally; and exercise.