365 Project

I'm not sure how I'm going to label this week's pictures. Blogspot arranges them differently than I intended. So... there's a picture of the entrance to the church where my home group meets. When I walk up that long walk, my troubles start to fall off my shoulders and hope begins to settle in. There's a picture of my front porch swing that I will be sitting on now that it's cooler in the morning. Next is an image of the wall of the Goodwill Industries building that faces the Sonic Drivein where I got a burger. The wall is concrete block so I don't know how they got that cool pattern. Next is my new book holder holding the latest issue of Psychology Today. Since I eat alone a lot, I read and the book holder allows me to read hands free. I ate dinner with my friend, Karen, at my favorite place - Ri Le's. I don't think I realized the walls were pink until I downloaded this picture. Then there's the woman talking on the phone in front of the mall. I just thought she looked cool standing there. Not an exciting week and a few weird/boring pictures. But - never, never, ever give up!!!

Friends

"Surrounded by so many ....friends, the so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone." Bill W.

For a large part of my life I was lonely - even when I was with people. There were a lot of reasons for that - mostly that I felt unworthy. But once I was in recovery and began my relationship with a Higher Power, I found that one of the miracles was that I no longer felt lonely - even when I was alone for long period of time. It was one of the promises made to me in the first few days of recovery - you don't have to be alone any more.

As Ron's health problems grew worse, I began to live again with the fear of being alone. I felt I had found the right person to be with and it looked as if he wasn't going to be sticking around. I managed to frighten myself badly. I really wasn't sure I could make it on my own.

Another one of the gifts of recovery has been an amazing growth in my intuition. When I woke up in the hospital after that horrible wreck, I saw a room full of friends. I knew I was not alone and that I would be all right. I also knew that Ron was not going to be all right but that it was time for him to leave the earth. It hurt badly but I knew I would be all right.

This is the weekend anniversary of the wreck (on Monday). I have a certain amount of dread of anniversaries. I have a tendency to relive the event. The way it has worked out is that I've had company for part of today - a friend from my recovery program and a friend of his. I look forward to the rest of the weekend and whatever it brings. I am not lonely.

Serenity Experiment Update

"I will close my mind to what I hear and see when it tempts me to quarrel or resent." One Day at a Time in Alanon.

The not resenting thing is going well. Also, the not quarreling part. But the disciplined life part is improved rather than perfect. It may be that I will have to accept my limitations before serenity arrives. My bed is made most days. My house is usually in order. I'm usually dressed before noon. My meditation practice is coming along. I just wish I was consistent. But I am powerless over my character defects and need the help of God to change. Does that mean if I'm still not perfect, it's God's fault? I wish. But no. So, back to my mantra - never, never, ever give up!!

Gratitude (again)

"Sometimes I feel as if life is prodding me, poking me, pushing me. It hurts sometimes. But then I think ' Oh, I get it. I'm not supposed to ignore the pain. Pain can motivate me to change.'"
Prayer: Guide me into taking the action you want me to take.

Melody Beattie. 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact.

I had a friend in the program who was a gratitude junkie. He talked about being grateful for the people who made it possible for him to have a hot shower in the morning, the people who gathered the ingredients for his food and so on. He also used to say that we were not living in a box in Calcutta, and we should be grateful for that since there was no particular reason why we shouldn't have been born there instead of here. Taking the action to be grateful especially when things are not going quite right (in my opinion) is one of my favorite tools of the program. Today I am grateful for the cooler weather. It didn't even wait until September. I love fall.

Texas Skies

I might be a little bit in love with the Texas skies. I scared Liz to death with my picture taking while driving. But it's surely not as bad as texting while driving which I never do.

Rusty and I had some lovely lazy days together.

Bec with new boyfriend, Josh. I think Bec is getting tired of being the subject of so many 365 Project pictures.

Bright vehicles

We were on the way somewhere when we saw this bright yellow car and bright blue motorcycle. A little bit of beauty on a bright Texas day.

365 Project - Pics from Texas trip

The mall that we ate lunch with Aaron in has a wonderful skylight.

A Little Bit Cool in Texas

It was so cool outside this morning that I sat on the back porch to do my meditation time. Rusty the dog could not figure out what in the world I was doing. He stayed with me for awhile but then went back inside. It is cloudy and sprinkling but not really raining. It is so lovely and quiet in this big, beautiful house all by myself. I remember a time when this much quiet and alone time would have sent me over the edge. Now I love it. As a helper, there's not a lot to do so I've taken the opportunity to do a lot of writing and reading. A luxury!

Here's why a helper should be invisible: A guest is someone who needs attention and entertainment. A helper is someone who doesn't need anything and stays out of the way (what I call invisible). I'm bad at invisible! But I'm giving it my best shot.

Texas

It is lovely to be in Texas. Although I'm missing the cool weather in Tulsa, I've been able to spend time with two of my grandchildren and, of course, my daughter. We're not vacationing. We're dealing with the first week of school for Rebecca, a trip to D.C. to visit his brother and his girlfriend for Aaron, a trip to Tulsa to visit family and for work-related classes for Fred, and the first week of Liz's new job. My role is to try to be invisible, not make any messes, take Aaron to the airport, pick up Rebecca if she misses the bus and cook dinner. So far, so good. Mostly that is. My **** stinking energy levels still get in my way. But I triumphantly found my way home from the airport with only one mistake where I ended up in a parking lot. However, the nice lady parking attendant let me back out and start over.

Being Powerless

Courtyard in office building where my hairdresser is

It's as peaceful as a church in the woods

I'm running out of ideas and energy for the 365 project. All my ideas for pictures seem boring. But since my life motto is "never, never, ever give up," I'm not giving up. Be prepared for bad pictures!

I am powerless but not alone. One of my recent readings had something in it like this. The basic idea was that the more I feel my powerlessness and smallness, the greater my spiritual growth. I interpreted that to mean that most of my fear, anger, stress, etc. comes from not being in touch with my powerlessness and my need for guidance and power from God. If I were living moment to moment in contact with the truth, my fear/anger/stress would disappear. It's my new spiritual practice. It seems unlikely to me that I will - even sometime in the future - be able to consistently live like this, but I seems very likely that giving it my best effort every day could transform me and my life.

Drop the Rock

"We fear becoming invisible if we quit practicing our faults." Drop the Rock.

Change is hard. The book, Drop the Rock, is about practicing the opposite of our faults. It doesn't cut us any slack. It just says to work at it one day at a time. (In other words, never, never, ever give up.) Gradually, in fits and starts, two steps forward and one step back, we change. It has to be gradual or we feel like we're disappearing, since we see ourselves in terms of our faults. As I'm working on making changes, I keep having the feeling that I won't be myself anymore if I don't have my wonderful bad habits. The other night, I dreamed that I was chasing wild kittens that I had discovered living under a house. They were darling, but scruffy, dirty and in need of food. I was trying to help them but they kept running away. There are some ways of interpreting dreams that say that animals in dreams represent your habits. My habits are definitely like cute, scruffy kittens - very much in need of help but constantly escaping my grasp. Never mind - I will never, never, ever give up!!

Dinner at Tei Kei's

Eric came to town Thursday night. Friday we had fun, plus he helped me run errands. We had dinner at Tei Kei's after we saw "District 9." Here's the carved wood Samurai at the entrance of Tei Kei's.

I liked the movie - it had enough social commentary to satisfy me and enough hand-to-hand combat, weapons and people being blown to bits to satisfy the testosterone crowd.

My Digital Camera is Happy at Last

My camera doesn't like the batteries I've been providing. It complains and uses them up like crazy. So, I went to a special store and bought the batteries they suggested. It stopped complaining so I must have done right.

Thursday night at Utica Square

Thursday night was almost balmy so my friend, Karen, and I went to hear jazz at Utica Square 5th night. The kids will dance when no one else will. One of the little ones - maybe 3 or 4 - said they were "mixing" which I thought was a pretty good description of dancing.

Cisco goes to the vet

It was check up time again so here is Cisco in his carrier. He really is fairly cooperative (for a cat). But after having blood drawn, temperature taken, blood pressure taken, etc., he was very stressed and threw up in the carrier on his tail on the way home. Poor baby. They tell me he is fairly healthy for a senior cat (age 13).

Friends

Two of my friends from when I worked for the Alzheimer's Association. We had lunch on Tuesday. I now volunteer for an event and work with these two beautiful ladies. I am even more blessed!

Friends

Here are some of the beautiful women who gather on the second Sunday at my house. I am so blessed.

Applebees

It was the third time I've eaten at Applebees this week - thank to my Discover cash back $50.00 gift cards that I paid $40 for out of cash back - making all three times totally free. Lunch with a friend on Wednesday, dinner with a friend on Friday and dinner last night with Lynn and Kristin. Lynn is back on some of her medication and doing better (in my opinion but she's not sure) and Kristin is getting to be sooo grown up.

One Day at a Time

"...I learned how to set realistic goals and achieve them step-by-step. I learned that success is irrelevant. Failure can be an opportunity to grow, not to beat myself up. This is how positive self-esteem is built." Hope for Today.

Birthday night at New Haven group. 74 years of sobriety among the three people celebrating - with the least amount being 17 years and the greatest 34 years. That "one day at a time" thing works! Success built on failure.

I found the meeting...

Sometimes it's hard to figure out where a meeting is. There aren't any signs (usually). A long time ago they told me to look for bumper stickers. This time it was a license plate that clued me in that I was somewhere close to where the meeting was. I hadn't been to it before and was meeting a sponsoree there. Lots of new women were there who were still in treatment. It was a good meeting and a good way to end the day.

Update

This will probably be the last visit I have with Dr. Dreamy for awhile. I had some left over questions - like, "Should I have the hardware in my leg removed eventually?" The answer is that there are very few advantages compared to the disadvantages, which makes me happy since I'm not crazy about another surgery. I took a picture of my two granddaughters, my middle daughter and myself dancing at 5th Night at Utica Square so he could see that I could not only walk but dance too, and then took this picture for posterity - declaring myself cured!

My Life in Pictures Last Week

Since I was out of it last week and didn't take pictures, I thought I would at least take a picture of where I spent most of my time.

Furlough

Mary Ann VanWinkle has been sleeping a lot again this week. I'm really sick of it. So I've decided not to do it anymore. I'm going to continue the new therapy for now, but it had better start making me feel better instead of worse pretty soon.

The 365 project has not been implemented, but at least I've done the basics so that my life wasn't destroyed. I'm still exceedingly sleepy but so what. Today I went to a meeting at the glass house in the park and then to eat at an Tei Kei's (the Asian restaurant pictured here). Right now Eric and I are working on our writing. I'm editing old blog posts and having a good time with that. The dishes are done. My bed is made. I'm clean and well dressed. I've done my meditation. I'm doing something productive. I'm back in the world.

Wicked

The group that saw Wicked last night...Lynn, Marilyn's daugher; Dee, Marilyn, and me. I wasn't expecting Wicked to have such complex messages. I loved it. We all did. I had the urge to go out and collect green things (Emerald City of Oz and the green complexion of the wicked witch of the west) but settled for a tee shirt that says "wicked."

How Can We Make Our Lives Better

Hi Courtney! We had lunch at D'Novo yesterday and talked about how we could make our lives even better than they are - which is our topic of conversation whenever we get together. After that I thought seriously about how well I was doing with not taking a nap and decided that to make my life better, I was going to take one. So, I slept from 1:00 to 5:00 and from 11:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. I think today is going to be another exception where I am going to take a nap. So there.

Reunion

The monthly reunion of the 2009 Stage II Recovery class was at my house tonight and here's a partial view of the setting. Everything is very tidy - always a good reason for having people over. We had a great time. It was pot luck and our luck was terrific - the best meal I've had recently. Our sharing was upbeat - everyone was making progress. All stuff I love to hear.

Grocery Store

So today's picture is of my full refrigerator. It doesn't usually look this way. I don't like to go to the grocery store. I'm not sure why. Somewhere along the way I lost my gratitude for being able to go to the grocery store. Someone else had to go for me. Until you've experienced this... well, I was very, very grateful for the help. At the same time, half the time I don't know exactly what I want until I sort through what's available. When I first became able to go on my own, I was thrilled. But now the thrill is gone. It's an exhausting process. It takes me about three hours from start to finish because I sit down and rest a lot. But now the job is done and I've got food for a couple of weeks!

Birds

By looking extremely closely you may see two very tiny unassuming birds that somehow got by the squirrels and are eating at the birdfeeder! Victory!!

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's pictures - inside of my car at the car wash. I was just curious as to what the pictures would look like. Now I know. Today was errand day and it's 5:00. I finished all but two on the list which made me happy and will give me some time to do something besides run around getting things done. How did errands get to be such a big deal? I know I always felt totally overwhelmed when I was working full time and no wonder since I went from the library to the book store, to get cat food, gas and a car wash, etc. etc. and it took several hours. I'm actually grateful to be able to do it. For a long time there someone else ran errands for me - it usually took several people. Strange to be grateful for errands but I am.

Sunday at the Park

I often go to a meeting on Sunday morning at a little building in LaFortune park with a bunch of windows that look out on these views. We call the building the glass house and the meeting the glass house meeting. Outside is a little lake with ducks and geese. Another happy thing.

Farmer's Market Day

A little bit of heaven on a relatively mild day. The last picture in the collage (courtesy of my learning a little bit of a new skill with my digital camera and some new software) is of the loot I brought home from the market. Right now I'm going to put the flowers in water and eat some of that bread and send happy thoughts to the guy playing music at the market who had his walker right there. I can relate.

Mary Ann VanWinkle

"Just for today I will live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once." Just for Today.

This new thing I'm doing - voice mapping - that I hope will do what it's supposed to do - which is to rewire my nervous system so that I don't have so many ptsd symptoms - is putting me to sleep. I'm sleeping a long time at night and am having trouble staying up all day. One day I got up at 7:00 a.m., did my morning routine and went back to bed at 8:30. I slept until 3:00 p.m., ate and went to bed for the night around 6:00 and slept until 9:00 the next morning. I don't seem to have much choice about whether I go to sleep or not. Plus I am very sad this week since my son who died 30 years ago would have been 45 on the 15th. I am sad because I still miss him. It seems to me to be strange that I would still love and miss someone who wasn't quite 15 when he died and has been gone 30 years. It must mean that love is more powerful than time. I'm making my best effort to take care of business since my program has taught me not to let myself be overwhelmed by anything I'm dealing with. I picked up my taxes today - since I sent in some money based on a wild guess as to what I might owe, I'm getting some of it back. That's a happy thing. Tonight I will be going to my regular Friday night meeting right after I meet one of the women I sponsor for dinner so that we can go over her 8th step work. That's another happy thing.

New Toy

Cisco has a new toy - I went to Target after some basic necessities and came back with a new toy for Cisco - a "cat condo" with a feather. He does think it's pretty cool. Target is a dangerous place for me. Last time I was there I bought a metal tub with a peace symbol on it. This impulse purchase is at least a little more practical. Cisco is the king and he deserves having something new. The other good news is that I was able to put the thing together without help. I have a flat spot in my brain re: spatial perceptions, but this thing was easy enough even for me.

Squirrel

Obnoxious bird with a furry tail. It must be a bird. It's a squirrel-proof bird feeder.

Here he is - the fat little devil. He's on the right side of the squirrel-proof birdfeeder. Note his fat little belly.

Grrr

I hoped that the birds would find the food in the squirrel-proof birdfeeder before the squirrel's did but I was wrong. I tried to get a picture of the squirrels cleaning it out, but they are so used to my screaming at them that I couldn't get a picture. The birds are on the ground trying to get seeds that the squirrels have dropped. I think I need to Google how to keep squirrels from eating from squirrel-proof bird feeders.

"I ask God to make me willing to see clearly my eeryday experiences, to sharpen my perception of how much there is to enjoy even in ordinary things and happenings. Let me be receptive. Restore to me my sense of wonder." One Day at a Time.

I've been taking some pretty bad pictures the last few days - under or over exposed. But this one isn't bad. I took it yesterday of the cars in my driveway belong to several of the participants in our monthly women's step practice group. Some of them carpool so there are never that many cars. The other picture is of the cars parked on the street. Proof that we actually had the meeting.

Let me make this day a celebration of the spirit. Courage to Change.

Last winter I got annoyed with the squirrels stealing all the birdseed from my squirrel-proof bird feeder and stopped putting bird seed in it. These two doves sitting on my ramp railing faithfully visited me anyway. So, I rewarded them with some birdseed.

Kristin on the carousel at Casa Bonita's. This was our afternoon together, plus Kristin helped Lynn put birdseed in the bird feeders and Lynn went to the store for me.

My white silk quilt is supposed to go to the cleaners. But my friend, Heather, said that was ridiculous and I should wash it. So I did. It and figuring my finances (it is as I expected: I'm poor at the moment) were my big accomplishments for the day. I wish it were more exciting or beautiful but whatever.

Update

An illustration of how my life is going - the take out door of Applebees. My search for a permanent solution to my lousy nervous system hardwiring has taken me to a therapy called "voice mapping." You can Google it and get an idea of what it is. All I'm going to say about it is that I've been sleeping most of the time since the last session. I'm hoping that means that I'm just catching up on my sleep rather than a step backward. More later.
"We'll find joy when we find acceptance of ourselves and our efforts and the belief that we are spiritual beings whose lives do have purpose and direction." Each Day a New Beginning.

365 Project - Miss Figgy

Here is Miss Figgy - my "fig" tree (ficus) that I've had since 1980. She is an icon for me - representing miracles. She survived my drinking, and when I got into recovery she only had a few leaves. One of the first things I learned to do was to be responsible for the living things in my house. Then she survived the fire we had in 2000, thanks to friends who cleaned soot off all her poor little leaves, repotted her and brought her back when we moved back into the house. I try to tell her frequently how much I appreciate her hanging in there with me.

"When you and I are one with God, have aligned our will with the will of God, we know joy. We know this fully, that all is well. No harm can befall us." Each Day a New Beginning