Falling in Love with What Is

Some friends gave me a couple of audio books by Byron Katie, and I listened to part of one on the way home from visiting my friends in Joplin.  She basically says that if you want to be happy, the only way to do it is to fall in love with reality.  She suggests you assume that whatever is happening is what is supposed to happen and it's all for your enjoyment.  That includes all those things we currently bitch about and act like they're not supposed to be happening.  Radical, huh?

But you know, this is not the first time I've heard this concept.  My program tells me that acceptance is the answer to every problem.  Of course, falling in love with reality is quite a few steps beyond acceptance because it's quite possible to accept something without liking it.  The other part of it is that if I'm bitching because I think something isn't supposed to be happening, I'm really playing God, if you think about it.

This little concept is so hard to implement that there only a few human beings that have ever lived that acheived it even part of the time.  So I'm not thinking I'm going to be one of them.  However, there's a good chance that if I work at thinking that everything is a gift - even stuff I hate - I will certainly increase my level of happiness from day to day.

Shoes

Took two pairs of shoes to the shoe repair to have the soles on the right shoe built up another 3/4 of an inch per the xray Dr. Dreamy took to measure exactly how much more my shoe needs to be built up.  I am told by people who should know that this will fix my back problem.  That would be very cool.  I'm on my third week of physical therapy and am already about 75% pain free.  Now if I can just figure out how to keep it that way.  Theoretically the shoe build up will do it.  My fingers are crossed.

We add just as much pain to the world when we take offense as when we give offense.

I'm a self-help book junkie.  I have been for most of my life.  I realized early that I lacked a lot of information about how to live life and so have been looking for it for years.  I've noticed that there are an awful lot of nonsensical books out there that somebody wrote in order to promote his/her opinions.  The thing is, unless things have been tried and found effective, they're useless.  But there are a lot of facts that have been tried and found useful that seem to be totally ignored.  I was reading another one of those books this morning and found an idea I've seen a bunch of times before and tried again and again and it works.  However, on any given day I can see literally dozens of examples of people doing the exact opposite.

Here it is:  Criticism makes people fight back and resist change.  Worse yet, what usually happens is that the person being criticized either keeps doing what he/she is being criticized for or does it more.  Change only happens when people are supported, and it only occurs slowly like a plant growing.  It can't be forced by being criticized by another person.  

The book I was reading was, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating,by Geneen Roth.  Of course, the example she gave was of husbands criticizing wives for being overweight.  That absolutely never works.  In fact, the wives usually gain more and more weight.  The criticism gives them a lot of emotional pain which leads to more eating, etc. As an observer of relationships, I've noticed that spouses criticize each other a lot, which doesn't lead to change, which in turn fosters emotional pain on both their parts.  However, they never seem to notice that it's not working and continue to criticize for years and years and years.  Considering all the pain in the world, it looks to me like we humans should make it a priority to stop hurting each other unnecessarily.  There's nothing wrong with just asking for what we want from the other person without criticizing.

Fear No Evil

"Though we of A.A. find ourselves living in a world characterized by destructive fears as never before in history, we see great areas of faith, and tremendous aspirations toward justice and brotherhood.  Yet no prophet can presume to say whether the world outcome will be blazing destruction or the beginning, under God's intention, of the brightest era yet known to mankind...we have been enabled to deeply feel and say, 'we shall fear no evil--'"  As Bill Sees It.

At the Friday noon meeting this was the page I got to read.  It was written in 1962 and, of course, definitely applies today.  The news is so painful to watch that I just check in for a few minutes every day and then pray for the suffering people in Japan, Libya, Afghanistan, and Iraq and everywhere else - New Orleans, Haiti, etc.  I thought when I was in my 20s that by the time I reached the age I am now that solutions would have been found for some of the tragedies of the world.  Some things are better - not so many people die of starvation in our country as there used to be.  Plenty of people still go hungry, though, which would be just as easy to solve as starvation was, but we lack the willingness to take the action.  I no longer think that sending my $20 does much toward solving the overall problem.  I do think that my exploration of solutions in the big picture, and my commitment to doing what I can toward those solutions every day has some impact even if a tiny one.  Only my recovery has given me the release from fear that positive action requires.

Struggle and Answers

Recently I've had occasion to struggle with questions about how to handle situations with other people that puzzled me.  After talking to a couple of people and prayerful thought, the principles of the program kicked in again.  I wish I could think of this tool before I have to wrestle with questions, but it just doesn't work that way. 

What I remembered was something that my first sponsor began teaching me in the first year of my recovery.  It took me quite awhile to get it, but when I use it and it works, I get all excited and thrilled because it will work 99% of the time and it doesn't require anyone but me to make changes.  The thing is I keep forgetting to use the tool and have to be reminded. 

There's the spiritual axiom - "Whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me."  Now, that doesn't mean that everything is always my fault like I thought in the beginning.  It just means that I am one of the people involved in the problem so I had a part in it.  All I need to do is figure out my part and do something different - probably something more loving and kind - and poof! the problem goes away. 

I used this tool almost every day with my boss in my last job.  I looked for my part in every difficulty I had with her and made quick changes.  I improved my ability to communicate with her and made sure I did my best every day on the job.  I did my best to treat her with respect.  You know what?  Improving my communication, doing my best and treating people with respect does wonders for my relationships with anybody.  I learned more about money and how to handle it than I ever thought I could learn because my husband had big problems with it.  Instead of looking at his mistakes, I decided to challenge myself to be better with money and it paid off big time!!

So - right now I'm working on improving my communication, doing my best and treating others with respect.  I'm betting that this tool will work again.

Mistakes

I used to believe that one of the purposes in life was to get to a place where I made no mistakes.  In my reading this morning is a prayer, "Help me, Higher Power.   Help me remember that the purpose of making mistakes is to prepare myself to make more; help me remember that when I'm no longer making mistakes I'll be out of this world."  I am so lucky to have found recovery where I do what I can to avoid mistakes since I don't like their consequences but at the same time knowing that I am going to make some.  This reminds me that one of the definitions of a sociopath is that he/she doesn't learn from his/her mistakes.  I can always learn from my mistakes which in turn makes it possible for me to continue to grow and get better at life as I go along.  It was impossible for me to do that when I looked for somebody else to blame.

I remember this especially when I'm in the midst of one of my self-improvement projects.  Right now I'm working on getting up early and taking no naps.  The purpose is to get more productive time every day.  On the one hand, I am doing a whole lot better.  On the other hand, I'm very far away from my goal.  The old part of me is trying to surface and tell me I'm a failure for all the days I pooped out and took a nap and then didn't go to sleep until 11:00 p.m. which in turn made it impossible to get up early.  However, I'm simply not listening - I've been up every single day before 9:00 a.m. and have had way more productive hours every day.  I'm not giving up on the goal and I'm happy about progress,  Plus as long as I don't give up, I can't possibly fail.  All the mistakes I've made have just allowed me to learn how I need to do things so that I can reach my goal.

I was born with this beauty inside me...

"Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness...until it flowers again from within..."  Galway. Kinnell.  Courage to Change.

My readings remind me that all my work on being more organized, etc. really doesn't make me the beautiful human being I was created to be.  Not that self-improvement is a bad thing; just that it's not a good idea to think that I'm only going to be okay when I reach goals.  I get confused easily on that.  Today I begin physical therapy again and I'm looking forward to finding some solutions to the chronic lower back pain I have.  They cured me once so I'm sure it will happen again.  I hope to find out what I need to do to prevent it.  Simultaneously, I'm fighting back against my periodic crashes into being a slug.  They tell me (the experts) that any stress, no matter how insignificant, can cause this.  I've had a lot of advice about going easy on myself in those times, however, I'm really sick of being at the mercy of unexpected crashes.  So, I'm trying to schedule them as well as finding other ways to take care of myself.  In the midst of my self-improvement efforts, I am remembering that I am already okay.

Pics

Jean, Tammy and me at the Out of Africa event.  Big success.

The "Out of Africa" event.  Good crowd, great program.

Girls Night Out at the Casino.  Slot machines everywhere.  We went to see the Japanese drummers so didn't gamble.

Look closely to see the lady with the square dancer outfit with boots and a whole lot of hair.  Entertaining but the pic is not so hot.

Girls night out - Katie, Diana, Mary and Danna.

Diana and Dana laughing at a funny lady.

Girls night out.  The band was too loud.  This is Diana and Mary trying to talk to each other.

Bogged Down

I've had another one of those weeks where I've been bogged down with too much to do and no desire to do any of it.  I managed to get tiny bits done and am just about on the other side of it.  YAY!  But I am going to have to do something to boost myself out of the doldrums - which I have taken the first steps to do - asking people for help.  What a concept.  Works really well.  I always forget that it does.  Plus I really, really, really hate admitting that I need help.  (Ego).  So, I've asked.  And no one said no.  What a blessing.

Theresa

It was probably about 1995 when I was recruiting and training volunteers to visit people with cognitive disabilities to make sure they had what they needed, that I recruited a volunteer named Theresa.  The project I was working on mandated that the volunteers would be family members of people with disabilities and people with disabilities so Theresa was perfect for the job.  She had a type of cerebral palsy that caused her to have uncontrollable movements of her arms and legs.  She was in a wheelchair but her body was in constant wild movement which made all activities even speech difficult.  However, she was quite a poet and shared some of her poetry with me.  She used a manual typewriter to write her poems and did them all in caps so that she didn't have to mess with shifting.  I changed that part to make it easier to read.  Yesterday I was cleaning out a closet and found one of her poems:

AS IT WAS

The world is not the same
Anymore as I am getting older
I am finding out.
Life isn't pretty anymore either
Way life is hard for me now.
I wish I was little again with a hard cry and soft tears.
A lot of people said that I
Never cried when I was little.
I guess I had a small world in my mind.
No, I am not mad because I am disabled,
The Lord made me as He saw fit.
Yes, I believe in God because Life is God!!!
This is how I look at it.
Now I am not God crazy I am just telling
The facts.  Here.
My life is normal like yours.
A lot people have to understand people
To get along with someone different
Than someone who is a little different.
But who's to say I'm weird because
I am in a wheelchair.
Are you weird because you're normal?
I just want to be me.

What Would Jesus Do?

Although I'm not very religious, I liked those little bracelets that were popular a few years ago.  I thought they would be a good reminder to try to answer that question when confronted with a dilemma.  Yesterday or day before a friend of mine posted a list of things Jesus would NOT do on Facebook.  I thought it was pretty good so I adapted it a little and will post it here.  Of course, I am aware that there are probably people that think Jesus would do these things or some version of them, but I am not in agreement:

STUFF JESUS WOULD PROBABLY NOT DO:
Harass single moms
Beat up homosexuals
Picket funerals
Shoot doctors
Shoot anyone
Join a militia
Own a weapon
Run for president
Attack the poor
Burn a cross
Put his name on merchandise.

Hmmm

So far, so good.  It looks like the politicians have begun to single out the groups that will need to get less money so that the government can quit spending so much money:  old people (Medicare, Social Security), poor people (Medicaid), teachers and other government employees (poor people?).  As the child of two teachers, I'm fairly sure the teachers are not overpaid.  I guess the government workers (teachers, cops, firefighters, military, etc.) are just not important enough to pay them a decent amount.  God knows those poor people and old people just need to get up off their asses and get a job and quit expecting the government to take care of them.  I'm just kind of wondering if the other government workers (subsidized corporate farms, etc.) as well as state legislators and congress would be willing to take a pay cut.  Maybe it would only be symbolic, but I'd love to see them do something like that.  Maybe until the economy improves they could take a 10% pay cut and pay for 1/2 their retirement and health benefits.  That would make me feel sooo much better.

Motivation Pill?

One of my grandsons' girlfriends posted a question on Facebook - "Is there a motivation pill?  I'd like to abuse that!"  She's so smart.  She probably has asked a very important question in a very funny way.  I know exactly how she feels.  There are those who would tell you that there is a motivation pill - it's called "speed."  The problem is that you will definitely abuse it and you may be motivated but not necessarily in a good way.  I am particularly unmotivated right now.  Not sure why.  Retiring to a cave for a long, long time sounds soothing and good.  It's not that I have a bunch of stuff to do that I don't want to do.  I just want to stop for awhile.

Regeneration of Spirit

Went to the 5:30 women's meeting which was on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings - they seemed  so trite.  But now I love them.  I thought of all I have learned and practiced over the years and how my spirit has regenerated.  That phrase was in one of my readings this morning.  One of the things I'm most grateful for is that I've lost a lot of my fear of being judged.  In the program I am just who I am with all my good and bad qualities and I hide almost nothing from the people of the program.  I am accepted and loved just the way I am.  When I walk in the door I drop all my pretenses.  I still have some fears of judgment - especially my own and other close relationships, but I am willing to be honest in spite of my fear.  Being who I am has given me the gift of being a "free spirit" which is what I've always wanted in my life.  It's who I thought I was in my drinking days - although I was actually a captive of my own self-judgement and the chemicals I was ingesting.  Now my spirit is truly free!  I am grateful.

Melting

The snow is melting.  It's been warm the last couple of days.  The trash man came.  But I still can't get to my outside garbage cans because I would have to shovel the snow away from the gate.  There's still a lot of snow in the street but I should be able to get out today anyway.  Since it's Valentines Day and I didn't get to go to my beautiful granddaughter's birthday party, I will be going out to mail all the cards I meant to take with me.  I hate being in the dog house for not doing what I can't do, but ...sometimes that that's just the way it is.  I have an invitation from a friend to treat me to a Valentine's Dinner out - a female friend.  But that is terrific to have a date where I don't have to do anything except be myself!  I think Valentines Day should be about melted hearts - compassion for all those people who aren't doing it right and for myself for being so imperfect.  In fact, let's start trend - Valentine's Day is melted hearts day!!!

Pics

Here's Kristin with her fairy wings she got at the Women's Symposium plus the bracelet that came with her Valentine she got from me.

Sculpture in front of the Performing Arts Center.

My friend Alicia with the four wheel drive in front of the Performing Arts Center.  We made it to the ballet so I made her pose in front of one of the lovely snow piles we have all over Tulsa.

Compare and Despair

"Compare and despair" is a quote from one of the women who used to meet with the women's group that studied the steps at my house.  I've never heard it from anyone else, but she may have heard it somewhere or maybe she made it up.  But that little phrase has been a terrific defense against the judge in everyone's head that gives us a hard time when we see someone we think is better than we are.  There's another saying in the recovery community:  "Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides."  That's another really good defense.

One of the readings in one of my meditation books yesterday reminded me of those sayings and I realized how grateful I should feel that I actually don't compare myself with other people anymore.  I used to think there were people who did everything right most of the time and as a result lived charmed lives.  Then one time I had the flu and was home from work for several days.  I watched a whole lot of biographies on tv, and learned that even those people I assumed would have led charmed lives had many of the same painful experiences in their lives that I did in mine.  Beverly Sills had a daughter who was deaf and would never be able to hear her sing.  Paul Newman had had a child die.  And on and on.  Furthermore, they did not do everything right most of the time.  They had made a lot of the same mistakes I had.

The main thing I learned from the women's meetings at my house (for over 10 years), was that although all of us were very different - in background, age, life circumstances, etc., we were very much the same on the inside.  We had the same fears, had made similar horrendous mistakes in our lives, had had terribly difficult events to deal with, and on and on.  Learning that really helped make me less judgmental of myself.

So today my endless struggles to be more organized, to exercise and eat right every day, to get all my chores done when they need to be done - well, at least I don't kick myself when I don't do everything right most of the time.  Little by little, I get better and am grateful for progress.

Luxury

Since all my responsibilities and appointments have been wiped off my calendar by a snow storm, I have the luxury of spending a little more time with meditation.  This morning I read"No longer half-asleep to the wonders around me, I become aware that each moment fairly vibrates with the possibility of healing..." from Hope for Today.  I have the luxury to notice that the birds have completely wiped out the bird seed I put out for them yesterday.  I've had more time to read/study the writing of other writers and learn more about how I want to write myself.  I've reconnected with some friends I haven't talked to in a long time.  Meditation always returns me to the things that are most important to me.

Stuff to be Grateful for While being Stuck in the House in a Snow Storm

"Today I am grateful for everything - even things that surprise me..."  Hope for Today  

I had the makings for vegetable soup.

My hot water works so I had a hot bath.

Friends who offer to get me stuff at the store.

The spider mums I forgot to bring in from the car survived two days and are still in great shape.

Usually I ignore facebook but I like it when enclosed.

My cable tv works,

I've caught up with some friends on the phone.

I caught a mouse.

The way the sun reflects off snow so that it's twice as light in my house.

There's no mail so I don't have to watch the postman struggle to deliver it.

There's no newspaper so I don't have to feel guilty that I haven't read it.

The bird tracks in the snow on the wheelchair ramp reminding me to put out bird food.

I've had time to pray for the citizens of Egypt.

Snow and More Snow

We're not alone - from the weather map it looks like most of the country is in a blizzard.  I was looking forward to the temperature being in the 40s tomorrow, but woke up to more snow this morning.  Looks like I'm going to be stuck here awhile longer.  Luckily I have plenty to do to keep myself from sinking into slug.  What a great opportunity to study, read and write.  I am more and more hopeful about finishing my writing project in the next two or three months. 

I'm reading the same meditation books I've read for probably three years now.  They seem new and fresh every year even though I remember reading them before.  Today in "Courage to Change," the writer says that remembering that "God is not a terrorist" is necessary for serenity.  I guess that some of us think that since God is in charge, any situation we don't like is God's fault.  I'm just guessing but I wonder if there aren't some folks who think this constant cold and snow is God's punishment for something.  Since I believe God is not a terrorist, I'm going to assume that it's all meant for our good.